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I Would Have Thought This Would Make Me Feel Better.. Getting To Be The One To Leave And Not The One Left Behind. But It Didn't. Not At All.

-Sarah Dessen

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I Would Have Thought

Sarah Dessen

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I Would Have Thought This Would Make Me Feel Better.. Getting To Be The One To Leave And Not The One Left Behind. But It Didn't. Not At All.

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He Was Not My Boyfriend. On The Other Hand, He Wasn't Just A Friend Either. Instead, Our Relationship Was Elastic, Stretching Between Those Two Extremes Depending On Who Else Was Around, How Much Either Of Us Had To Drink, And Other Varying Factors. This Was Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

And To Know Me, As You Have Discovered, Is To Love Me.

There Was Something Striking About A Single Key. It Was Like A Question Waiting To Be Answered, A Whole Missing A Half. Useless On Its Own, Needing Something Else To Be Truly Defined.

Maybe Marriage, Like Life, Is'nt Only About The Big Moments, Whether They Be Good Or Bad. Maybe It's All The Small Things — Like Being Guided Slowly Forward, Surely, Day After Day — That Stretches Out To Strengthen Even The Most Tenuous Bond.

I Hoped That Grace Would Be A Little Bit Of The Best Of All Of Us: Scarlett's Spirit, And My Mother's Strength, Marion's Determination, And Michael's Sly Humor. I Wasn't Sure What I Could Give, Not Just Yet. But I Would Know When I Told Her About The Comet, Years From Now, I Would Know. And I Would Lean Close To Her Ear, Saying The Words No One Else Could Hear, Explaining It All. The Language Of Solace And Comets, And The Girls We All Become, In The End.

Macon: “it’s True. And If That Doesn’t Work, Use The Jedi Mind Trick. But Only If You Really Have To.” Halley: “the What?” Macon: “the Jedi Mind Trick.” He Looked At Me. “didn’t You Ever See Star Wars?

When Someone Starts To Change, And It’s Obvious, It's Sort Of Natural To Wonder Why. Right?

Really? Screaming?” He Shrugged. “it Wasn’t That Bad. But There Were Definitely Some Freak-outs On Both Sides. Though, To Be Honest, The Silence Was Worse.” “worse Than Screaming?” I Said. “much,” He Said, Nodding. “i Mean, At Least With An Argument, You Know What’s Happening. Or Have Some Idea. Silence Is… It Could Be Anything. It’s Just –” “so Freaking Loud,” I Finished For Him. He Pointed At Me. “exactly.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together.

If You Have Just One Person Believe In You, You'll Always Find Your Way

Some People, They Can't Just Move On, You Know, Mourn And Cry And Be Done With It. Or At Least Seem To Be. But For Me... I Don't Know. I Didn't Want To Fix It, To Forget. It Wasn't Something That Was Broken. It's Just...something That Happened. And Like That Hole, I'm Just Finding Ways, Every Day, Of Working Around It. Respecting And Remembering And Getting On At The Same Time.

It Was Like Those Songs I'd Heard As A Child, Each So Familiar, And All Mine. When I Got Older And Realized The Words Were Sad, The Stories Tragic, It Didn't Make Me Love Them Any Less. By Then They Were Already Part Of Me, Woven Into My Conciousness & Memory

I Was Heading Off To My New World. But I Was Taking A Part Of My Past, And The Future, Along With Me For The Ride.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

Despite My Dad's Assurances I Was Strangely Nervous My Stomach Tight Ever Since We'd Hung Up. Maybe Deb Had Picked Up On This And It Was Why She'd Pretty Much Talked Nonstop Since I'd Approached Her And Asked For A Ride. I'd Barely Had Time To Explain The Situation Before She Had Launched Into A Dozen Stories To Illustrate The Point That Things Happened But People Were Okay In The End.

You Know The Minute You Stop Thinking About It, It'll Happen.

Look At It This Way: I Might Be Saying You're Fat, But At Least I'm Not Punching You In The Face.' Are Those The Only Options?' Not Always. Just Sometimes.

I'd Learn That It's Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There. So I Pulled That Sign Off The Green Bike - Enjoy Your Ride! - And Went Inside To Take The First Step Toward Doing Just That.

All Those Clean, Fresh Starts Had Made Me Forget What It Was Like, Until Now, To Be Messy And Honest And Out Of Control. To Be Real.

This Is What Daughters Did. They Left, And Came Home Later With Lives Of Their Own.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

Teaching Was Great For Me, Because I Got To Show People How Writing Can Really Change The Way You See Not Only Yourself But The World.

I Told You, Everyone Understands A Quest.

Funny How A Beautiful Song Could Tell Such A Sad Story

Teenagers Are A Great Audience And They Are Fearless About Asking What They Want To Know.

Because You Have To Just Go With The Flow. Your Life Is Not Your Own, With People Coming In And Out All The Time. You Get Mellow Because You Have To.

There's A Kind Of Radar That You Get, After Years Of Being Talked About And Made Fun Of By Other People. You Can Almost Smell It When It's About To Happen, Can Recognize Instantly The Sound Of A Hushed Voice, Lowered Just Enough To Make Whatever Is Said Okay. I Had Only Been In Colby For A Few Weeks. But I Had Not Forgotten.

That's Not A Real Answer.' Says Who?' Says Me. I Mean Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence.' Clowns.

And Don't Change For A Guy, Ever," Leah Added. "if They're Worthy, They'll Like You Just The Way You Are.

Self Respect, Colie. If You Don't Have It, The World Will Walk All Over You.

So," She Went On, "it Got Me Thinking About What Cost Beauty. Or For That Matter, What Cost Anything? Would You Trade Love For Beauty? Or Happiness For Beauty? Could A Gorgeous Person With A Mean Streak Be A Worthy Trade? And If You Did Make The Trade, Decide You'd Take That Beautiful Swan And Hope It Wouldn't Turn On You, What Would You Do If It Did?

I Don't Believe In Failure, Because Simply By Saying You've Failed, You've Admitted You Attempted. And Anyone Who Attempts Is Not A Failure. Those Who Truly Fail In My Eyes Are The Ones Who Never Try At All. The Ones Who Sit On The Couch And Whine And Moan And Wait For The World To Change For Them.

I've Always Written In First Person. It Gives The Readers More Insight.

I Wondered If Emotions Were Like Menstrual Cycles, If You Get Enough Women Together. Give It Time, And Everyone Was Crying.

It's Nice To Have Options Even If You Can't Take Them.

After Everything That Happened, How Could I Miss Him? But I Did, I Did.

But Those Words Were Only The Middle Of The Story. There Was A Beginning Here, Too.

A Second Later, When He Looked Up At Me, We Were Face To Face, And Again, Even Under These Circumstances, I Was Struck By How Good Looking He Was, In That Accidental, Doesn't-even-know-it Kind Of Way. Which Only Made It Worse. Or Better. Or Whatever. "yup", He Said, As If There'd Been Any Doubt, "you're In There, All Right." "i Was Warned, Too,"i Told Him, As He Stood Up. "i Just Saw That Sculpture, And I Got Distracted." "the Sculpture?" He Looked At It, Then At Me. "oh, Right. Because You Know It.

I Used To Worry I Was Entirely Uninteresting, But The Truth Is I Think If My Life Was More Exciting I'd Never Have Any Time To Write.

I Wanted To Be Somewhere Else ... Someplace Where The Sight Of Me Sobbing Would Tie Me To No One And No One To Me.

Don't Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

So Finally, I Decided That The Best Response — The Safest — Was None At All.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

How Weird That Must Be, To Stay The Same As Everyone Else Changes.

It's A Funny Feeling, Being Suddenly Airborne. Just As You Realize It, It's Over, And You're Sinking.

I Was Actually Kind Of A Hot Mess In High School. I Did A Lot Of Things In High School I'm Not Proud Of. I Wasn't A Good Student And I Wasn't Particularly A Good Daughter. I Wasn't Very Engaged.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together. Not A Place, But A Moment, And Then Another, Building On Each Other Like Bricks To Create A Solid Shelter That You Take With You For Your Entire Life, Wherever You May Go.

I'd Been Through So Much, Falling Short Again And Again, And Only Recently Had Found A Place Where Who I Was, Right Now, Was Enough.

If There Was A Way To Recognize Something You'd Never Seen But Still Knew By Heart, I Felt It As I Looked At His Face. Finally, Someone Understood.

It All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing.

Maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

Like It Takes So Little Not Only To Change Something, But To Make You Forget The Way It Once Was, As Well.

I Can Say I Made A Lot Of Mistakes, But I Don't Regret Things. Because At Least I Didn't Spend A Life Standing Outside, Wondering What Living Would Be Like.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

I Find That The More I Depend On Real Life, The Less Interesting The Story Is. It's Much More Common For Me To Take Something That Almost-happened, Or I Wish Had Happened, And Then Follow That Possibility.

Conciseness Is Underrated

We'd Start Slow, The Way We Always Did, Because The Run, And The Game, Could Go On For A While. Maybe Even Forever. That Was The Thing. You Just Never Knew. Forever Was So Many Different Things. It Was Always Changing, It Was What Everything Was Really All About. It Was Twenty Minutes, Or A Hundred Years, Or Just This Instant, Or Any Instant I Wished Would Last And Last. But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening. Right Then, As I Ran With Wes Into That Bright Sun, And Every Moment Afterwards. Look, There. Now. Now. Now.

Oh Darling, Don't Be Bitter. It's The First Instinct Of The Weak.

The Girl In The Tight Black Dress Was Passing By Us Now, Eyeing Wes And Walking Entirely Too Slowly. "hi," She Said, And He Nodded At Her But Didn't Reply. Knew It, I Thought. Honestly," I Said. What?" Come On. You Have To Admit, It's Sort Of Ridiculous." What Is?" Now That I Had To Define It, I Found Myself Struggling For The Right Words. "you Know," I Said, Then Figured Kristy Had Really Summed It Up Best. "the Sa-woon." The What?

Sometimes A Question Can Hurt More Than An Answer.

N The Dark Everyone Felt The Same: The Edges Blurred. When I Think Of Myself Then, What I Was Like Two Years Ago, I Feel Like A Wound In A Bad Place, Prone To Be Bumped On Corners Or Edges. Never Able To Heal.

It's A Big Deal When You Finally Get The Chance To Do The One Thing You Want To Do - Need To Do - More Than Anything. It Can Kind Of Scare The Crap Out Of You.

Let Me Guess,” Eli Said, His Voice That Low, Even Timbre, As Always. “drinking From Kegs Also Falls Under Outdoor Activity.” I Just Looked At Him, Standing There In Jeans And The Same Blue Hoodie He’d Had On The First Time I Met Him. Maybe It Was The Embarrassment, Which Had Been Bad Enough Before I Had An Audience, But I Was Instantly Annoyed. I Said, “are We Outside?” He Glanced Round, As If Needing To Confirm This. “nope.” “then No.” I Turned My Attention Back To The Keg.

Please. She Sighed. 'can't A Girl Have High Standards? I Don't Want An Ordinary Boy.

Okay. Enough." I Got Out Of The Closet, Brushing Myself Off, Then Turned Around To Face Her. "this Is Happening. So You Need To Go Downstairs, Face Your Fears, And Make The Best Of It, And Everything Will Be Okay." She Narrowed Her Eyes At Me. "when Did You Suddenly Become So Positive?" "just Get Out Of There.

…it’s Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There.

Who Would Have Thought That Grieving An Old Relationship And Enjoying A New One Could Happen Simultaneously, In Parallel? Yet Another Thing You Only Find Out Once It's Happening To You.

Old Relationship

Because You Can Never Go From Going Out To Being Friends, Just Like That. It's A Lie. It's Just Something That People Say They'll Do To Take The Permanence Out Of A Breakup. And Someone Always Takes It To Mean More Than It Does, And Then Is Hurt Even More When, Inevitably, Said ‘friendly' Relationship Is Still A Major Step Down From The Previous Relationship, And It's Like Breaking Up All Over Again. But Messier.

I Mean, To Me, Freaking Out Is Different. More Of A Running Away, Not Telling Anyone What's Wrong, Slowly Simmering Until You Burst Kind Of Thing.

Okay, So If That's Not Real, What Is? What Counts, To You?" He Thought For A Second, Then Said, "i Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting." I Wasn't Sure What Answer I'd Expected. But This Wasn't It. For A Second, I Just Sat There, Letting It Sink In. "you Know," I Said Finally, "saying Stuff Like That Would Make Girls Even Crazier For You. Now You're Cuteand Somewhat More Attainable. If You Were Appealing Before, Now You're Off The Charts.

When You've Never Gotten Love From Someone, You Don't Know What It Might Look Like If It Ever Does Appear. You Look For It In Everything: Any Bright Light Overhead Could Be A Star.

It Was So Weird, Because Usually I Was Totally Nervous Talking To Guys. But Eli Was Different. He Made Me Want To Say More, Not Less. Which Was Maybe Not A Good Thing.

In The End, Though, Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

I Hated High School. I Was Not The Greatest Student, Participated In No Activities, And Spent Most Of My Time Hanging Out In My Parking Lot.

I Tried To Hold Myself Apart, Showing Only What I Wanted, Doling Out Bits And Pieces Of Who I Was. But That Only Works Out For So Long. Eventually, Even The Smallest Fragments Can't Help But, Make A Whole.

The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

I Knew I Had To Keep Him To Myself, As I'd Slowly Begun To Keep Everything. We Had Secrets Now, Truths And Half-truths, That Kept Her Always At Arm's Length, Behind A Closed Door, Miles Away.

But Against Love, The Case Was Solid. Easily Argued. And You Could, Indeed, Hold It In Your Hand.

The Point,' Ms. Conyers Continued, "is That No Word Had One Specific Definition. Maybe In The Dictionary, But Not In Real Life.

No Matter How Much Time Has Passed, These Things Still Affect Us And The World We Live In. If You Don't Pay Attention To The Past, You'll Never Understand The Future. It's All Linked Together.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

This Was Our Common Ground, The Secret We Shared But Never Spoke Aloud. I Should Have Been With Him; She Should Have Left Him Alone. Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. It's So Easy In The Past Tense.

As If At The Age Of Eighteen Life Already Sucked Beyond Any Hope Of Improvement.

Everyone Had A Forever.

The Chances We Take, Knowing No Better Than To Fall Or To Stand Back And Hold Ourselves In... Protecting Our Hearts With The Tightest Of Grips.

Whether It Was A Song, A Person, Or A Story, There Was A Lot You Couldn’t Know From Just An Excerpt, A Glance, Or Part Of A Chorus.

My Books Are So Tame!

I Realized How Truly Hard It Was, Really, To See Someone You Love Change Right Before Your Eyes. Not Only Is It Scary, It Throws Your Balance Off As Well.

Call It Crazy, Or Just Chicken Salad. But Within Reason, Or Without It I Was In It Too.

I'm Really Interested In The Idea Of Anomynity And Familiarity. And Sunglasses, You Know, Are So Indicatitve Of That. I Mean, They're Worn By Some People To Hide Themselves. But They're Also A Fashion Statement, Meant To Be Noticed. So There's A Dichotomy There.

Love Is So Unpredictable. That's What Makes It So Great.

I've Found In My Own Life That If My Writing Isn't Going Well, Not Much Else Will. It Is The One Constant, The Key To Everything Else.

Music Is A Total Constant. That's Why We Have Such A Strong Visceral Connection To It, You Know? Because A Song Can Take You Back Instantly To A Moment, Or A Place, Or Even A Person. No Matter What Else Has Changed In Your Or The World, That One Song Says The Same, Just Like That Moment.

And No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

When You Don't Know Where You're Going, Maybe It Wasn't Such A Bad Thing To Have More Than You Need.

You're Not Supposed To Have It All Figured Out In High School. If You Knew It All, And It Was The Best, It's All Downhill From There.

What Happened To Goodbye?

Missing Someone

Hey, And For What It's Worth? Friends Don't Leave You Alone In The Woods. Friends Are The Ones Who Come And Take You Out.

Some Writers Pick A Topic And Write Around That, But I Like To Include It All.

Even If You Couldn't See It Beneath The Surface, Molecules Were Bonding, Energy Pushing Up Slowly, As Something Worked Do Hare, All Alone To Grow.

It's All In The View. That's What I Mean About Forever, Too. For Any One Of Us Our Forever Could End In An Hour, Or A Hundred Years From Now. You Never Know For Sure, So You'd Better Make Every Second Count.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

I Was Actually Pretty Miserable In High School. I Couldn't Wait For It To Be Over. And When It Finally Was, I Remember Sitting At Graduation With All These Classmates Getting Nostalgic And Emotional Already And All I Could Think Was, "get Me Out Of Here. I Never Want To See You People Again." So It's Ironic That I Spend Half My Day Putting Myself Back There By Choice [while Writing].

You Bought Me Some Forks. And Knives. And Spoons. Because You Love Me!

Everything Always Gets Crazy At The End. You Just Have To Keep Going, Regardless Of How Awful It Gets. So That's What I Do.

And That Was It. All This Buildup To A Great Leap, And I Didn't Fall Or Fly. Instead I Found Myself Back On The Edge Of The Cliff, Blinking, Wondering If I'd Ever Jumped At All. It's Not Supposed To Be Like This.

I Don't Know," I Said. "maybe You're Right, And All That Stuff I Think I Missed Is Overrated. Why Should I Even Bother? What's The Point Really?" He Thought For A Moment. "who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do." He Moved Down To Start Bagging While I Just Stood There, Letting This Sink In. Just Something You Have To Do. No Excuse Or Rationale Necessary. I Kind Of Like That.

Some Things You Don't Have To Tell. Some Things, Between Sisters, Are Understood.

There Comes A Time When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Own Heart. So You'd Better Learn The Sound Of It. Otherwise You'll Never Understand What It's Saying.

Silence Is So Freaking Loud

Hollis " I Said "you're Messing With Me Right Now Aren't You You're In Paris Or Somewhere And Just-" "what " He Replied. "no This Is The Real Deal. Here I'll Prove It." There Was A Muffled Noise Followed By Some Static. Then I Heard My Mother Recite At A Distance In Her Most Droll Flat Tone "yes. It Is True. Your Brother Is In Love And In My Kitchen.

A Lot Can Change Between Planning Something And Actually Doing It. But Maybe All That Really Matters Is That Anything Is Different At All.

She Was Just A Shell Of Her Former Self, Functioning And Talking But Hardly Alive.

I'm Always Hopeful. I Feel Like I'm At The Prom Sitting Against The Wall Waiting For Someone To Ask Me To Dance.

But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening.

Truth About Forever

And The Rest Is History,' I Said. Nah.' He Shook His Head. 'the Rest Is Now.

Now, Now," My Father Said. "let's Just Get The Bags." This Was Typical. My Father, The Lone Male In Our Estrogen-heavy Household, Had Always Dealt With Any Kind Of Emotional Situation Or Conflict By Doing Something Concrete And Specific. Discussion Of Cramps And Heavy Flow At The Breakfast Table? He Was Up And Out The Door To Change Oil On One Of Our Cars. Coming Home In Tears For Reasons You Just Didn't Want To Discuss? He'd Go Make You A Grilled Cheese, Which He'd Probably End Up Eating. Family Crisis Brewing In A Public Place? Bags. Get The Bags.

Not For The First Time, I Wished Both Of Us Could Just Say What We Meant. But That, Like So Much Else, Was Impossible

Call It Chicken Salad

But Anyone Can Begin. It Was The Part With All The Promise, The Potential, The Things I Loved. More And More, Though, I Was Finding Myself Wanting To Find Out What Happened In The End.

I Looked At The Sweatshirt Again. "'you Swim' Is A Philosophy?" He Shrugged. "better Than 'you Sink', Right?

I've Given Lots Of People Chances. But There's Only So Much Faith You Can Have In People.

If There's One Thing I've Learned In The Last Few Months, It's That Sometimes You Just Have To Close Your Eyes And Jump.

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

And For One Second, It Was Like I Could Feel The Timing Clicking Together, Finally Pieces Falling Into Place.

I Walked Over, My Eyes Scanning Luna Blu, My House, And Dave's. But It Was The Building Behind Them, That Empty Hotel, That Had The Tiniest Light, Provided By One Word, Written In Fluorescent Paint. Maybe It Wasn't What Was Once There, In Real Life. But In This One, It Said It All: Stay.

It's Still A Memory Worth Having, Even If It's Not Exactly What You Imagined.

That Was The Thing About Being On The Inside: The World Was Just Going On, Even When It Seemed Like Time For You Had Stopped For Good.

The Further You Go, The More You Have To Be Proud Of. At The Same Time, In Order To Come A Long Way, You Have To Be Behind To Begin With. In The End, Though Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

Once, She'd Been A Pro At Decompressing, Loved To Sit On The Back Deck Of The Beach House In One Of Our Splintery Adirondack Chairs For Hours At A Time, Staring At The Ocean. She Never Had A Book Or The Paper Or Anything Else To Distract Her. Just The Horizon, But It Kept Her Attention, Her Gaze Unwavering. Maybe It Was The Absence Of Thought That She Loved About Being Out There, The World Narrowing To Just The Pounding Of The Waves As The Water Moved In And Out.

…you Don’t Want The Best Of Times To Be Just One Thing, Forever. You Have To Have A Lot Of Bests Of Times, Each One Topping The Last. You Know?

I Seriously Doubt That The Santa Police Do An Underwear Check." -cora

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

Once, I Was Easy. Now, I Was Choosy. See? Big Difference.

I Spent A Lot Of Time Looking At That Picture. Wondering What I’d Think Of That Girl, If I Was Someone Else, Seeing How Easily She Sits In Her Boyfriend’s Lap, Laughing, With His Arms Around Her. I Would Have Thought Her Life Was Perfect, The Way I Once Thought Cass’s Was. It Was Too Easy, I Was Learning, To Just Assume Things.

I'd Heard Of Evergreen Care Center Before. Cass And I Had Always Made Fun Of The Stupid Ads They Ran On Tv, Featuring Some Dragged-out Woman With A Limp Perm And Big, Painted-on Circles Under Her Eyes, Downing Vodka And Sobbing Uncontrollably. "we Can't Heal You At Evergreen", The Very Somber Voiceover Said. "but We Can Help You To Heal Yourself." It Had Become Our Own Running Joke, Applicable To Almost Anything. "hey Cass, "i'd Say, "hand Me That Toothpaste." "caitlin," She'd Say, Her Voice Dark And Serious. "i Can't Hand You The Toothpaste. But I Can Help You Hand The Toothpaste To Yourself.

At Every Wedding Someone Stays Home.

Just Because Something's Damaged Doesn't Mean It Shouldn't Be Treated With Respect.' 'ad,' Wallace Said, 'it's A Coffee Table, Not An Orphan.

It's Only Advice. Ignore It If You Want.

But As I Lay There, It Only Seemes Like Silence Filling My Ears. And The Thing Was, It Was So Freaking Loud.

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

But You Don’t Have To Give Everyone The Benefit Of The Doubt.” “you Don’t Have To Assume The Worst About Everyone, Either. The World Isn’t Always Out To Get You.

Talk Was Cheap And Useless. Action Was What Mattered. And Me, I Was Moving. Now, Again, Always.

Looking At The Pond, All I Could Think Was That It Is An Incredivle Thing, How A Whole World Can Rise From What Seems Like Nothing At All.

And She Was Good To Me: Strong, Fun, And Fiercely Loyal. And If I Didn't Have Many Other Friends Because Of Her-most Girls Were Intimidated By Her Looks, Or Thought She Was Too Pushy, Or Just Flat-out Feared For Their Boyfriends-it Never Bothered Me. I Never Missed Having A Wide, Thick Circle Of Girlfriends: Rina Was More Than Enough. We Were Comfortable With Each Other's Flaws And Weaknesses, So We Stuck Together And Kept To Ourselves.

Rogerson," I Asked Him Sweetly As We Sat Watching A Video In The Pool House, "where Would I Find The Pelagic Zone?" "in The Open Sea," He Said. "now Shut Up And Eat Your Junior Mints.

Then What Are You Like, Annabel?" He Shot Back. "a Liar, Like You Told Me That First Day? Come On. That Was The Biggest Lie Of All.

The Worst Part Was That I Had Things I Wanted To Tell My Mother, Too Many To Count, But None Of Them Would Go Down So Easy. She'd Been Through Too Much, Between My Siters-i Could Not Add To The Weight. So Instead, I Did My Best To Balance It Out, Bit By Bit, Word By Word, Story By Story, Even If None Of Them Were True.

But For Now, I Just Sat There On The Bed And Listened To My Song. The One That Had Been Written For Me By A Man Who Knew Me Not At All, Now Sung By The One Who Knew Me Best.

Apologies Come In All Shapes And Sizes. You Can Give Diamonds, Candy, Flowers, Or Just Your Deepest Heartfelt Sentiment.

Just Me And The Future, Finally Together. Now There Was A Happy Ending I Could Believe In.

We Sat There, Not Talking, For A Few Minutes. He Ate The Moon Pie; Only Skinny People Can Scarf Down Junk Food Like That. Finally, I Said, "norman?" "yeah?" "are You Ever Going To Show Me The Painting?" "man," He Said. "you Are, Like, So Impatient." "i Am Not," I Said. "i've Been Waiting Forever." "okay, Okay." He Stood Up And Went Over To The Corner, Picking Up The Painting And Bringing It Over To Rest Against The Bright Pink Belly Of One Of The Mannequins. Then, He Handed Me A Bandana. "tie That On.

You Can't Just Turn Your Heart Off Like A Faucet; You Have To Go To The Source And Dry It Out, Drop By Drop.

I Just Stood There, Looking At Her. My Head Was Spinning, My Mouth Dry, And All I Could Think About Was That I Wanted To Go Someplace Safe, Someplace I Could Be Alone And Okay, And That This Was Impossible. My Old Life Had Changed And My New One Was Still In Progress, Altering By The Second. There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

Next Thing You Know She'll Be On The Bus And Selling T-shirts In The Parking Lot, Showing Off Her Boobs To Get In The Stage Door." "at Least She Has Boobs To Show," Jess Said. "i Have Boobs," Chloe Said, Pointing To Her Chest. "just Because They're Not Weighing Me Down Doesn't Mean They're Not Substantial." "okay, B Cup," Jess Said, Taking A Sip Of Her Drink. "i Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly--she'd Already Had A Couple Of Minibottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

Let's Just Start And See What Happens.

How Ballsy It Was To Just Assume You Know, With One Glance, The Things Another Person Could Live Without. As If It Was The Same For Everyone, That Simple.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

I Planned My Whole Future Around Adam," She Said Now, Quietly. "and Now I Have Nothing." "no," I Told Her, "now You Just Don't Have Adam. There's A Big Difference, Lissa. You Just Can't See It Yet.

You Know," I Told Him,"if You Don't Know How To Eat A Cupcake, That's Nothing To Be Ashamed Of." Now He Did Smile. "i Know How To Eat A Cupcake." "sure You Do." "i Do," He Said. "i Just Don't Want One Of Those." "yeah? Prove It.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

I Took In A Breath. "what's The One Thing You'd Do," I Asked. "if You Could Do Anything?" Pass," He Said. For A Second I Was Sure I'd Heard Wrong. "what?" He Cleared His Throat. "i Said, I Pass." Why?" He Turned His Head And Looked At Me. "because." Because Why?" Because I Just Do.

I Had No Illusions About Love Anymore. It Came, It Went, It Left Casualties Or It Didn't. People Weren't Meant To Be Together Forever, Regardless Of What The Songs Say.

In Those First Few Hours Officially Single Again The World Seems Like It Expands, Suddenly Bigger And More Vast Now That You Have To Get Through It Alone.

It's Just That...i Just Think That Some Things Are Meant To Be Broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's The Universe's Way Of Providing Contrast, You Know? There Have To Be A Few Holes In The Road. It's How Life Is.

The World Is Speaking To You Every Day, You Just Don't Know How To Listen.

You Asked Me To Go Out With You. I Know You Probably Changed Your Mind. But You Should Know, The Answer Was Yes. It's Always Been Yes When It Comes To You.

I Know You Guys Have Some Sort Of Weird Thing Going On, With That Game You Play And Everything—" "it's Called A Friendship.

Was It Really This Easy, Once You Escaped, To Just Not Care?

Fifteen Minutes Later, A Meeting Was Called. "okay, Look." Deb's Face Was Dead Serious. "i Know I Just Joined This Project, And I Don't Want To Offend Anyone. But I'm Going To Be Honest. I Think You've Been Going About This All Wrong." "i'm Offended," Dave Told Her Flatly.

With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

In Midair, Dangling Lost Above The World.

You, Have This Whole Tall, Dark Stranger Thing Going On. Not To Mention The Tortured Artist Bit. And You, Have That Whole Blonde Cool And Collected Perfect Smart Thing Going On. You're The Boy All The Girls Want To Rebel With. You, Are The Unattainable Girl In Homeroom Who Never Gives A Guy The Time Of Day.

"which Is Completely Out-of-line Behavior. Then You Are Wholly Within Your Rights To Stomp On Their Foot." "no," Delia Said, Over Her Shoulder. "actually, You're Not. Just Excuse Yourself As Politely As Possible, And Get Out Of Arm's Reach." Kristy Looked At Me, Shaking Her Head. "stomp Them." She Said, Under Her Breath. "really."

At The Same Time, Though, I Was Beginning To Wonder If This Was Just How It Was Supposed To Be For Me, Like Perhaps I Wasn't Capable Of Having That Many People In My Life At Any One Time. My Mom Turned Up, Nate Walked Away, One Door Opening As Another Clicked Shut.

This Is Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

After The Group Vet Appointment--during Which Lyle Scratched The Vet, The Vet Tech, And Some Poor Woman Minding Her Own Business In The Waiting Room--we Went Back To Sabrina's And Re-released The Cats To Their Natural Habitat.

We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

Maybe We Were All Destined To Just Keep Doing The Same Stupid Things, Over And Over Again, Never Really Learning A Single Thing.

I Had To Wonder Whether It Was Possible That This Wasn’t Already Decided For Me, And If Maybe, Just Maybe, This Was My One Last Chance To Try And Prove It. There Was No Way To Know. There Never Is. But I Reached Out And Took It Anyway.

All Of My Stories, They Don't Come From My High School Experience, But They're Definitely Based On Things That Happened To Me In High School, Or Things That Happened To Friends Of Mine, Or Things That I Wish Had Happened To Me.

I Wasn't Sure What I Expected Her To Do Or Say To This. It Was All New To Me From That Second On. But Clearly, She'd Been There Before. It Was Obvious In The Easy Way She Shrugged Off Her Bag, Letting It Fall With A Thump Onto The Sand, Before Sitting Down Beside Me. She Didn't Pull Me Close For A Big Bonding Hug Or Offer Up Some Saccharine Words Of Comfort, Both Of Which Would Have Sent Me Running For Sure. Instead She Gave Me Nothing But Her Company, Realizing Even Before I Did This That This, In Fact, Was Just What I Needed.

My Mother Has Always Been The Point I Calibrated Myself Against. In Knowing Where She Was, I Could Always Locate Myself, As Well. These Months She'd Been Gone, I Felt Like I'd Been Floating, Loose And Boundaryless, But Now That I Knew Where She Was, I Kept Waiting For A Kind Of Certainty To Kick In. It Didn't. Instead, I Was More Unsure Than Ever, Stuck Between This New Life And The One I'd Left Behind.

After All, It's All Kinds Of Things That Make Up A Life, Right? The Big, Like Falling In Love And Spending Time With Your Family, And The Little....like Blow Drying Your Hair, Applying Concealer, And Cursing Those Magazine Inserts. It All Counts. It Has To.

Falling In Love

Fall In Love With Someone Who Truly Deserves Your Heart. Not With Someone Who Plays With It.

Falling In Love

The Best Gifts Come From The Heart, Not The Store.

I Had Stepped Into His Arms, Showing Him My Raw, Broken Heart.

I Hadn't Said Goodbye. It Had Been Easier, Like Always, To Just Disappear, Sparing Myself The Messy Details Of Another Farewell. Now, My Fingers Hovered Over My Track Pad, Moving The Cursor Down To His Comment Section Before I Stopped Myself. What Was The Point? Anything I Said Now Would Only Be An Afterthought. Elizabeth Who Goes By Her Middle Name

"it's Gonna Be Okay," I Said. It Was The First Time In A Long Time That I Believed It. "it Will."

If You Expect The Worst, You'll Never Be Disappointed.

But I Always Worked Harder When I Was Up Against Something, Or When Someone Assumed I Couldn't Succeed. That's What Drove Me, All Those Nights Studying. The Fact That So Many Figured I Couldn't Do It.

But Sometimes You Lose. Nothing You Can Do But Admit It. -eli

One Open, One Closed. It Was No Wonder That The First Image That Came To Mind When I Thought Of Either Of My Sisters Was A Door. With Kirsten, It Was The Front One To Our House, Through Which She Was Always Coming In Or Out, Usually In Mid-sentence, A Gaggle Of Friends Trailing Behind Her. Whitney’s Was The One To Her Bedroom, Which She Preferred To Keep Shut Between Her And The Rest Of Us, Always.

It’s Funny How One Summer Can Change Everything.

Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

There Comes A Point When Things Are Undeniable And Can't Be Hidden Any Longer. Even From Yourself.

But I'd Long Ago Learned Not To Be Picky In Farewells. They Weren't Guaranteed Or Promised. You Were Lucky, More Than Blessed, If You Got A Good-bye At All.

In Anger Management,' He Said,'we Had To Do All This Role-playing Stuff. You Know, To Get Used To Handling Things In A Less Volatile Way.' 'you Role-played,' I Said, Trying To Picture This. 'i Had To. It Was Court-ordered.

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