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I Would Assign Every Lie A Color: Yellow When They Were Innocent, Pale Blue When They Sailed Over You Like The Sky, Red Because I Knew They Drew Blood. And Then There Was The Black Lie. That's The Worst Of All. A Black Lie Was When I Told You The Truth.

-Steve Martin

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I Would Assign Every

Steve Martin

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I Would Assign Every Lie A Color: Yellow When They Were Innocent, Pale Blue When They Sailed Over You Like The Sky, Red Because I Knew They Drew Blood. And Then There Was The Black Lie. That's The Worst Of All. A Black Lie Was When I Told You The Truth.

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She Has Learned That Her Body Is Precious And It Mustn't Be Offered Carelessly Ever Again, As It Holds A Direct Connection To Her Heart.

I Would Say The Three Stages Of Making A Film Are The Initial 'are We Gonna Do This,' 'how Much Will I Be Paid,' Is There A Lot Of Nights, Who's It Going To Be With? The Second Stage Of Doing A Film Is How Much Fun Your Going To Have Doing It. The Third Stage Is Was The Film A Hit?

A Father Carries Pictures Where His Money Used To Be.

It's Funny That Some Ideas Start With A Little "what If?" And Then Suddenly You're Spending A Million Dollars To Shoot The Scene And Hoping That It Works.

I Think When The Movie `roxanne' Came Out, Which I Also Had Written, I Felt Something New That I Never Felt, Which Was Respect.

I Loved Doing 'pennies From Heaven.' Because You Have To Understand That I'd Been Doing Comedy For 15 To 20 Years, And Suddenly Along Came The Opportunity To Do This Beautiful Film. It Was So Emotional To Me. I Loved It. I Don't Think It Was A Good Career Move, But I Have No Regrets About Doing It.

A Kiss May Not Be The Truth, But It Is What We Wish Were True.

I Loved To Make People Laugh In High School, And Then I Found I Loved Being On Stage In Front Of People. I'm Sure That's Some Kind Of Ego Trip Or A Way To Overcome Shyness. I Was Very Kind Of Shy And Reserved, So There's A Way To Be On Stage And Be Performing And Balance Your Life Out.

Halle Berry Is Here, Whose Win Last Year Broke Down Barriers For Unbelievably Hot Women.

Before You Criticize A Man, Walk A Mile In His Shoes. That Way, When You Do Criticize Him, You'll Be A Mile Away And Have His Shoes.

Rebelliousness Really Is The Province Of Young People-that Kind Of Iconoclasm.

I Really Enjoy Finding The Right Word, Creating A Good, Flowing Sentence. I Enjoy The Rhythm Of The Words.

Any Type Of Humor Can Be Transferred To The Screen, As Long As There's Clarity. The Audience Wants To Know Just What They're Supposed To Be Feeling, When They're Supposed To Laugh.

In Talking To Girls I Could Never Remember The Right Sequence Of Things To Say. I'd Meet A Girl And Say, Hi, Was It Good For You Too? If A Girl Spent The Night, I'd Wake Up In The Morning And Then Try To Get Her Drunk.

I Actually Credit Twitter With Fine-tuning Some Joke-writing Skills. I Still Feel Like I'm Working At It.

It Is The Perfect Wrong Time For Jeremy To Do To Mirabelle What She Had Done To Him - Call Him Up For A Quick Fix - Because;, In A Sense, She Is Now Betrothed. Her First Date With Someone Who Treated Her Well Obligates Her To Faithfulness, At Least Until The Relationship Is Explored.

Introductions Are Hard To Come By When Your Natural State Is Shyness

... You're Nuts But You're Welcome Here.

I Like A Woman With A Head On Her Shoulders. I Hate Necks.

I'm Not A Human Being. I'm Despicable And Disgusting - But That's Where The Money Is.

With Comedy, You Never Know Until You Put It In Front Of An Audience. You Shoot It And A Year Later You Have No Idea If It's Going To Work. And Then You Get The Response. It's Great When It's Good.

You Know, A Lot Of People Come To Me And They Say, "steve, How Can You Be So Fucking Funny?" There's A Secret To It, It's No Big Deal. Before I Go Out, I Put A Slice Of Bologna In Each Of My Shoes. So When I'm On Stage, I Feel Funny.

I Choose A Project Based On Whether It Feels Worthwhile Working On When It Comes To Me. But Secondly I Choose It If It Sounds Like Fun. Projects Are Determined By Just How They Strike Me At The Moment, As They Have Done Throughout My Whole Life.

I Love Animated Films When They Are Good, Because They Do Bring A Lot Of Emotion And Heart That's Very Difficult To Get In A Live Action Film.

I Do Think That Animated Films Have The Ability To Touch You Someplace. There Is Something About Live Action Movies That Is Different Because We Know The Characters Are Real People, So They Always Stay Flawed For Us Somehow. But Animated Films Touch Us In A Very Clear, Uncomplicated Place. They Have That Ability. And An Animated Character Can Make An Expression In A Way Humans Can't Do.

Comedy Makes You Humble. Because There Are So Many Opportunities To Miss, And Strike Out.

Relationships End, But They Don't End Your Life.

Bad Relationship

Relationships Ending

Failed Relationship

I Ignored My Stand-up Career For Twenty-five Years, But Now, Having Finished This Memoir, I View This Time With Surprising Warmth. One Can Have, It Turns Out, An Affection For The War Years.

She Looked Down Again And I Was Stymied. I Sat. Oh, This Was Enough To Make Me Love Her, Because I Was Right With Her, Understanding Every Second And Longing To Step In. I Didn’t Even Need To Know The Specific That Was Troubling Her, Because To Me Her Halting Voice Easily Stood For The General Woe That Hangs In The Air, Even On Life’s Happiest Days.

The Self-prepared Dinner Is A Great Time Killer For Lonely People And As Much Time Should Be Spent On It As Possible.

I'm A Bitter, Sad, Sour Young Man Who Makes A Career Out Of Hastling People With Real Careers.

I Feel Good About Being Able To Take Bluegrass On To Television Like 'letterman' And 'the View,' And I've Heard Nice Things About Being Able To Do That. I Really Haven't Felt Any Negativity Toward Me Or My Music.

She Is Nearing Forty And Not So Easily Forgiven As When Her Skin Bloomed Like Roses.

I Didn't Come From A Wealthy Family. I Had No Money. Maybe It Goes Back To Naivete Which Is Your Greatest Asset When You're Young. If I Was Starting In Comedy Today And If It Didn't Work The First Time, I'd Probably Quit. But I Kept At It, Kept At It.

I've Been Writing For A Long Time, Since The Late '60s. But It Hasn't Been In The Same Form. I Used To Write Scripts For Television. I Wrote For My Comedy Act. Then I Wrote Screenplays, And Then I Started Writing New Yorker Essays, And Then I Started Writing Plays. I Didn't Start Writing Prose, Really, Until The New Yorker Essays, But They Were Comic. I Didn't Start Writing Prose, Really, Until The '90s. In My Head, There Was A Link Between Everything. One Thing Led To Another.

If You Saw Her In These Moments, You Might Think She Was Collecting Her Thoughts In Order To Go Forward. But I See It Another Way: Her Mind Is Being Overwhelmed By Two Processes That Must Simultaneously Proceed At Full Steam. One Is To Deal With And Live In The Present World. The Other Is To Re-experience And Mourn Something That Happened Long Ago. It Is As Though Her Lightness Pulls Her Toward Heaven, But The Extra Gravity Around Her Keeps Her Earthbound.

I Believe The United States Should Allow All Foreigners In This Country, Provided They Can Speak Our Native Language... Apache.

Native Language

. . . Now You See . . . They' Re Not Fit For Humans . . ." "put Them On Me.

The Apple Pie Hubbub Was A Significant Novel For Me, Because That's When I First Started Using Verbs.

I Believe You Should Place A Woman On A Pedestal: High Enough So You Can Look Up Her Dress.

In A Strange Way, I Don't Have A Job, So I Have A Lot Of Time On My Hands. When I Do Work, It Might Be Very Concentrated, And It Might Be Months Where You're Not Really Doing Anything Except Maybe Playing The Banjo Or Writing Something. You Know, There's A Lot Of Time In The Day If You're Not Working 9 To 5.

I Thought If I Had A Twitter Feed And Say I Had A Following Of A 100,000, That Means 100,000 Of Them Would Be Interested In My Book. It Was Logical, But It Didn't Turn Out To Be True. It Turned Out If I Had A Twitter Feed Of A 100,000, Four Of Them Were Interested In My Book.

Comedy Is A Distortion Of What Is Happening, And There Will Always Be Something Happening.

When I Die, Now Don't Think That I'm A Nut, Don't Want No Fancy Funeral, Just One Like Old King Tut.

As A Human Being On Earth, You Can't Imagine Friendship Not Being Important In Some Other Solar System Or Some Other Planet, Or Some Other Context Of Beings That Are Conscious. We Even See It In Animals. It Is Important For People On Earth To Reach Out Or Reach Into Someone.

But Carroll's Were More Convoluted, And They Struck Me As Funny In A New Way: 1) Babies Are Illogical. 2) Nobody Is Despised Who Can Manage A Crocodile. 3) Illogical Persons Are Despised. Therefore, Babies Cannot Manage Crocodiles. And: 1) No Interesting Poems Are Unpopular Among People Of Real Taste. 2) No Modern Poetry Is Free From Affectation. 3) All Of Your Poems Are On The Subject Of Soap Bubbles. 4) No Affected Poetry Is Popular Among People Of Taste. 5) Only A Modern Poem Would Be On The Subject Of Soap Bubbles. Therefore, All Your Poems Are Uninteresting.

When Your Hobbies Get In The Way Of Your Work - That's Ok; But When Your Hobbies Get In The Way Of Themselves... Well.

I Understood That As Much As I Had Resisted The Outside, As Much As I Had Constricted My Life, As Much As I Had Closed And Narrowed The Channels Into Me, There Were Still Many Takers For The Quiet Heart.

Stand-up Life Is Really Hard. At One Point, I Got So Paralyzed I Could Write Five Screenplays Before I Could Write Three Jokes For Stand-up. Later, I've Finally Allowed Myself To Relax Quite A Bit, To Think I Can Do It Because I've Done It In The Past. The Pressure To Come Up With The Material Is The Same But The Anxiety About Whether I Can Do It Is Gone.

Dinosaurs Did Not Walk With Humans. The Evolutionary Record Says Different. They Gambled.

If I Screw Up Raising My Kids, Nothing I Achieve Will Matter Much.

Mirabelle Replaces The Absent Friends With Books And Television Mysteries Of The Pbs Kind. The Books Are Mostly Nineteenth-century Novels In Which Women Are Poisoned Or Are Doing The Poisoning. She Does Not Read These Books As A Romantic Lonely Hearts Turning Pages In The Isolation Of Her Room, Not At All. She Is Instead An Educated Spirit With A Sense Of Irony. She Loves The Gloom Of These Period Novels, Especially As Kitsch, But Beneath It All She Finds That A Part Of Her Indentifies With All That Darkness.

I Realized That Comedians Of The Day Were Operating On Jokes And Punch Lines. The Moment You Say The Punch Line, The Audience Either Laughs Sincerely Or They Laugh Automatically Or They Don't Laugh. The Thing That Bothered Me Was That Automatic Laugh. I Said, That's Not Real Laughter.

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Hello. I'm Hello, And I'd Like To Say Myself.

Bad Psychoanalysis Would Say I Enjoyed Pleasing People, Working Really Hard And Pleasing People, Which Is Probably Related To My Father In Some Way. But I Really Liked Working Hard. When I Worked At Disneyland, I'd Do 12 Hours Straight And Go Home Thrilled.

I Was Not Self-destructive, Though I Almost Destroyed Myself. In The End, I Turned Away From Stand-up With A Tired Swivel Of My Head...

When The Person Beside You Is Making You Alert And Keen And The Idea Of Being With Anyone Else Is Not Imaginable.

I Saw The Movie, 'crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' And Was Surprised Because I Didn't See Any Tigers Or Dragons. And Then I Realized Why: They're Crouching And Hidden.

I Think I Did Pretty Well, Considering I Started Out With Nothing But A Bunch Of Blank Paper.

My Problem Is That I Don't Get The Same Exhiliration From Success As I Get Depression From Failure.

The Real Joy Is In Constructing A Sentence. But I See Myself As An Actor First Because Writing Is What You Do When You Are Ready And Acting Is What You Do When Someone Else Is Ready.

The Emotions Of Men, However, Were Of A Different Order. They Were Pesky Annoyances, Small Dust Devils At Her Feet. Her Knack For Causing Heartbreak Was Innate, But Her Vitality Often Made People Forgive Her Romantic Misdeeds.

I Really Enjoy The Social Aspects Of Music As Much As Anything.

To Me, Torture Would Be, "i Can't Think What To Write In The Next Sentence. I'm Stuck." Torture Would Be If You Didn't Have The Next Idea.

I've Heard Lots Of People Lie To Themselves But They Never Fool Anyone.

Deeply Funny Musings And Adventures Elevate Paul Rudnick To The Highest Level Of American Comedy Writing.

Talent Is The Ability To Say Things Well, But Genius Is The Ability To, Well, Say Things.

So, I Can Hurt Now, Or Hurt Later.

I'm The Leader Of The Platoon And I Run Gambling And Lotteries, Dances And I Sell Beer Illegally. I'm A Con Man And I'm Thoroughly Lovable.

It's So Hard To Believe In Anything Anymore, You Know What I Mean? It's Like, Religion, You Really Can't Take It Seriously, 'cause It Seems So Mythological, And Seems So Arbitrary; And Then On The Other Hand, Science Is Just Pure Empiricism, And By Virtue Of Its Method, It Excludes Metaphysics. I Guess I Wouldn't Believe In Anything If It Weren't For My Lucky Astrology Mood Watch.

When Someone Less Capable Is Ahead Of Me, I Am Not Pleased. It Makes Me Insane.

In My Opening Seconds, I Would Say, "it's Great To Be Here," Then Move To Several Other Spots On The Stage And Say, "no, It's Great To Be Here!" I Would Move Again: "no, It's Great To Be Here!

She Was Feeling Her Bohemian Oats.

Lacy Was Just As Happy Alone As With Company. When She Was Alone, She Was Potential; With Others She Was Realized.

Only Then Does He Realize What He Has Done To Mirabelle, How Wanting A Square Inch Of Her And Not All Of Her Has Damaged Them Both, And How He Cannot Justify His Actions Except That, Well, It Was Life.

To Be With Another Woman, That Is French. To Be Caught, That Is American.

Yeah, Well, We're All Writers, Aren't We? He's A Writer That Hasn't Been Published, And I'm A Writer Who Hasn't Written Anything.

A Friend Of Mine Once Asked How To Make It In Show Business And I Said "be So Good That They Can't Ignore You." She Thought I Was Being Flip But It's True. The Challenge Is Trying To Live Up To The Opportunities Given Me.

Relationships End, But They Don't End Your Life. But People Do Often Spending More Time Finding Out About Failed Relationships Than Finding Successful Ones.

Bad Relationship

So She Viewed Time Spent In The Land Of The Normal As An Investigation Into The World Of Marriage-worthy Men, Even If She Was Unsure About Her Own Interest In Marriage. There Must Be One Solid Citizen Who Also Had A Spark Of Life, A Sense Of Humor And Adventure.

Mirabelle Is Attractive; It's Just That She Is Never The First Or Second Girl Chosen.

I Believe That Sex Is One Of The Most Beautiful, Natural, Wholesome Things That Money Can Buy.

To Have Someone Play Off And Be With A Band Is More Pleasurable.

I'm Not Trying To Be A Big Shot Or Anything Like That, But I Get My Drinks Half Price.

Talking About Music Is Like Dancing About Architecture.

There Are Few Takers For The Quiet Heart.

You Can't Really Conduct Your Life By One Or Two Phrases.

The Environment Changed With Martha Stewart And Enron.

I Always Think Back To My High School Days And Realize All The People Who Were So Popular Then Are Nowhere Now And All The People Who Were Steadfast And Steady-going Are Somewhere. So High School Doesn't Necessarily Translate To Later In Life.

Mirabelle Is Not Affected By A Man’s Failures To Approach Her, As Her Own Self-depreciating Attitude Never Allows The Idea That He Would In The First Place.

When I First Started Doing My Comedy Act, I Just Desperately Needed Material. So I Took Literally Everything I Knew How To Do On Stage With Me, Which Was Juggling, Magic And Banjo And My Little Comedy Routines. I Always Felt The Audience Sorta Tolerated The Serious Musical Parts While I Was Doing My Comedy.

Now Let's Repeat The Non-conformists' Oath: I Promise To Be Different! I Promise To Be Unique! I Promise Not To Repeat Things Other People Say! Good!

I Think Probably The Most Difficult Challenge Was Just The Climb And Rise In Show Business Because I Went Through My Entire Twenties With Some Success As A Comedy Writer But Not Much As A Performer. And You Have To Be Kind Of Informed And Naive At The Same Time.

I Think There Are People Out There Writing Original Bluegrass Songs, But It's Hard To Get Them Out On The Air.

Thankfully, Persistence Is A Great Substitute For Talent.

Thankfully, Perseverance Is A Good Substitute For Talent.

If He Thinks He Would Harm Mirabelle, He Would Back Away. But He Does Not Yet Understand When And How People Are Hurt. He Doesn't Understand The Subtleties Of Slights And Pains, That It Is Not The Big Events That Hurt The Most But Rather The Smallest Questionable Shift In Tone At The End Of A Spoken Word That Can Plow Most Deeply Into The Heart.

A Girl Who Is Willing To Give Every Ounce Of Herself To Someone, Who Could Never Betray Her Lover, Who Never Suspects Maliciousness Of Anyone, And Whose Sexuality Sleeps In Her, Waiting To Be Stirred.

People Come Up To Me And Say "steve, What Is Film Editing?" And I Say "how Should I Know? You're The Director.

Hosting The Oscars Is Much Like Making Love To A Woman. It's Something I Only Get To Do When Billy Crystal Is Out Of Town.

I Like All Kinds Of Music. I Listen To Abigail Washburn, The Punch Brothers, And Marc Johnson, The Great Clawhammer Player. I Also Listen A Lot To Sirius Radio, There's A Lot Of Bluegrass There.

It [live Performance] Is Just Very Difficult. Doing An Hour, Hour And A Half Of Live Standup Is An Endurance Test. You Almost Have To Do It Every Day To Stay Up On It.

How To Make A Million Dollars: First, Get A Million Dollars

I Had Loved Magic Tricks From The Time I Was Six Or Seven. I Bought Books On Magic. I Did Magic Acts For My Parents And Their Friends. I Was Aiming For Show Business From Early Days, And Magic Was The Poor Man's Way Of Getting In: You Buy A Trick For $2, And You've Got An Act.

Some Nights, Alone, He Thinks Of Her, And Some Nights, Alone, She Thinks Of Him. Some Night These Thoughts, Separated By Miles And Time Zones, Occur At The Same Objective Moment, And Ray And Mirabelle Are Connected Without Ever Knowing It.

I'm Trying To Think Of Other Ones. Oh, Yeah, I'd Say - Somebody Would Buy Something And We'd Say, And Because You Are Our Hundredth Customer Today, You Get A Free Paperback.

...it Is Not The Big Events That Hurt The Most But Rather The Smallest Questionable Shift In Tone At The End Of A Spoken Word That Can Plow Most Deeply Into The Heart.

If You Feel Tired Midway Through, Give Neil Patrick Harris A Red Bull And Throw Some Sheet Music At Him.

I Don't Watch Myself Generally. I Do Something, See It Once, And Then I'll Probably Never See It Again Unless It's An Accident.

The Only Thing That Bothers Me Is If I'm In A Restaurant And I'm Eating And Someone Says, 'hey, Mind If I Smoke?' I Always Say, 'no. Mind If I Fart?

You Know That Look That Women Get When They Want To Have Sex? Me Neither.

I Think I Meant That, Given The Circumstances Of My Childhood, I Had The Illusion That It's Easier To Be Alone. To Have Your Relationships Be Casual And Also To Pose As A Solitary Person, Because It Was More Romantic. You Know, I Was Raised On The Idea Of The Ramblin' Man And The Loner.

I Believe Ronald Reagan Can Make This Country What It Once Was... An Arctic Region Covered With Ice.

You Know When You're Telling These Little Stories? Here's A Good Idea: Have A Point. It Makes It So Much More Interesting For The Listener!

The Banjo Is Truly An American Instrument, And It Captures Something About Our Past.

You Can't Make Something Beautiful By Trying To Make Something Beautiful. Something Becomes Beautiful In The Process Of Trying To Be Something Else.

His View Of The World Is One That Keeps His Blood Pressure Low, Sweeping The Cholesterol From His Relaxed, Freeway-sized Arteries. Everyone Knows He Is Going To Live Till Age Ninety, Although The Question That Goes Begging Is, “for What?

I Thought 'borat' Was A Breakthrough Comedy, Because It Was Really Funny. It Wasn't Some Studio-produced Script With 14 Writers.

I Have No Fear, No Fear At All. I Wake Up, And I Have No Fear. I Go To Bed Without Fear. Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear. Yes, 'fear' Is A Word That Is Not In My Vocabulary.

Acting Is Collaborative Because You Are Working With Another Actor, And It's Almost Like A Two-man Juggling Team. You Have To Really Be In Sync.

Comedy Is Not Pretty.

I Just Believe That The Interesting Time In A Career Is Pre-success, What Shaped Things, How Did You Get To This Point.

There Is One Thing I Would Break Up Over, And That Is If She Caught Me With Another Woman. I Won't Stand For That.

When People Ask Me, ‘how Do You Make It In Show Business,’ Or Whatever, What I Always Tell Them — And Nobody Ever Takes Note Of It ‘cuz It’s Not The Answer They Wanted To Hear…but I Always Say, ‘be So Good They Can’t Ignore You.’

A Day With Out Sun Shine Is Like..........night

I've Put An Umbrella In My Mouth And Opened It. I Sat In A Lemon-meringue Pie. I've Done Terrible Things To My Dog With A Fork.

Throughout My Whole Life, As A Performer, I've Never Played With A Band. I've Always Played Alone, So I Was Never Required To Stay In Rhythm Or Anything. So It Was A Real Different Experience For Me To Start Playing With A Band. There Were So Many Basic Things For Me To Learn.

Different Experiences

Always Make Room For The Unexpected In Yourself.

I Actually Learned About Sex Watching Neighborhood Dogs. And It Was Good. Go Ahead And Laugh. I Think The Most Important Thing I Learned Was: Never Let Go Of The Girl's Leg, No Matter How Hard She Tries To Shake You Off.

The Lure In Art Collecting And Its Financial Rewards, Not Counting For A Moment Its Aesthetic, Cultural And Intellectual Rewards, Is Like The Trust In Paper Money: It Makes No Sense When You Really Think About It. New Artistic Images Are So Vulnerable To Opinion That It Wouldn't Take Much More Than A Whim For A Small Group Of Collectors To Decide That A Contemporary Artist Was Not So Wonderful Anymore, Was So Last Year.

Comedians Don`t Get Oscars, So I Gave Up On That A Long Time Ago. And I Can`t Really Speak About The Oscar-worthiness Of My Own Performance.

Somewhere In The World Is...the World's Worst Doctor And He Could Be Yours.

Through The Years, I Have Learned There Is No Harm In Charging Oneself Up With Delusions Between Moments Of Valid Inspiration.

There's No Better Way To Learn Something Than To Learn It In Front Of An Audience. Your Terror Drives You.

We've Taken What Was Just Once A Racetrack And Made It A Multifaceted Gaming Destination For The Entire Region.

I Used To Smoke Marijuana. But I'll Tell You Something: I Would Only Smoke It In The Late Evening. Oh, Occasionally The Early Evening, But Usually The Late Evening - Or The Mid-evening. Just The Early Evening, Midevening And Late Evening. Occasionally, Early Afternoon, Early Mid-afternoon, Or Perhaps The Late-midafternoon. Oh, Sometimes The Early-mid-late-early Morning. . . But Never At Dusk!

Lord Loves A Workin' Man; Don't Trust Whitey

Women Have Choices, And Men Have Responsibilities.

Being On Twitter Is Like Having A Fern.

First The Doctor Told Me The Good News: I Was Going To Have A Disease Named After Me.

Art As An Aesthetic Principle Was Supported By Thousands Of Years Of Discernment And Psychic Rewards, But Art As A Commodity Was Held Up By Air. The Loss Of Confidence That Affected Banks And Financial Instruments Was Not Affecting Cherubs, Cupids And Flattened Popes. The Objects Hadn't Changed: What Was There Before Was There After. But A Vacancy Was Created With The Clamoring Crowds Deserted And Retrenched.

I've Got To Keep Breathing. It'll Be My Worst Business Mistake If I Don't.

They Want Me On The Television Shows Now Because I Did So Well On Celebrity Assholes.

The Conscious Mind Is The Editor, And The Subconscious Mind Is The Writer.

I Can't Smell Moth Balls, I Find It Too Difficult To Get Their Tiny Legs Apart

What I Mean Is That None Of My Talents Had A - What's That Great Word - Rubric. A Singer, An Actor, A Dancer - There Was Nothing I Could Really Say I Was. The Writing Came Much Later. And, Actually, Thank God, Because If I Had Said I'm A Singer, I Would Really Have Just Had One Thing To Do.

It Was So Sweet Backstage, You Should Have Seen It - The Teamsters Were Helping Michael Moore Into The Trunk Of His Limo.

The Conscious Mind Is The Editor, And The Subconscious Mind Is The Writer. And The Joy Of Writing, When You're Writing From Your Subconscious, Is Beautiful - It's Thrilling. When You're Editing, Which Is Your Conscious Mind, It's Like Torture.

It Eventually Appeared To Be Me, Cinematically. When I Was Writing It I Was Actually An Author, You Know, Writing A Book. ... But There Certainly Is A Difference In Energy Between A Younger Man And An Older Man.

Your Only Guidepost Is Your Own Instinct And Judicious Editing. In My Stand-up Act I Learned That In The First 10 Minutes I Could Say Anything And It Would Get A Laugh. Then I'd Better Deliver. In The Movie It's The Same Thing. You Get A Lot Of Laughs When People First Sit Down And Then The Story Better Kick In. Many Years In Front Of An Audience, I Would Hope, Give Me A Sense Of What Works.

Despite A Lack Of Natural Ability, I Did Have The One Element Necessary To All Early Creativity: Naïveté, That Fabulous Quality That Keeps You From Knowing Just How Unsuited You Are For What You Are About To Do.

I Did Stand-up Comedy For 18 Years. Ten Of Those Years Were Spent Learning, Four Years Were Spent Refining, And Four Years Were Spent In Wild Success. I Was Seeking Comic Originality, And Fame Fell On Me As A Byproduct. The Course Was More Plodding Than Heroic.

What Is Comedy? Comedy Is The Art Of Making People Laugh Without Making Them Puke.

With A Cheery Delicacy She Divided My Obsessions Into Three Categories: Acceptable, Unacceptable, And Hilarious.

There's A Big Difference Between The National Book Awards And The Academy Awards. At The Academy Awards You Can Feel The Greed And Envy And Ego. Whereas The National Book Awards Are In New York.

I Opened The Show With This Line: "i Have Decided To Give The Greatest Performance Of My Life! Oh, Wait, Sorry, That's Tomorrow Night.

I Never Had A Movie That I Wanted To Do Turned Down In My Whole Life. I Always Write The Script First So It Speaks For Itself.

Or Is It That I Think Too Much?

I Started A Grease Fire At Mcdonald's - Threw A Match In The Cook's Hair.

You Cannot Make Your Opportunities Concur With The Opportunities Of People Whose Incomes Are Ten Times Greater Than Yours.

I Took Literally Everything I Knew How To Do On Stage With Me, Which Was Juggling, Magic And Banjo And My Little Comedy Routines.

There's A Lot Of Thought In Art. People Get To Talk About Important Things. There's A Lot Of Sex, You Know, In Art. There's A Lot Of Naked Women And Men, And There's Intrigue, There's Fakery. It's A Real Microcosm Of The Larger World.

'dirty Rotten Scoundrels' Is A Good One Because It Not Only Turned Out, I Think, To Be A Really Funny Movie But It Was Also A Delight To Shoot. We Were In The South Of France, Working With Glenne Headly And Michael Caine And Frank Oz The Director - Who Were Just Fun.

I Didn't Worry If A Bit Got No Response, As Long As I Believed It Had Enough Response To Linger.

The Course Was More Plodding Than Heroic: I Did Not Strive Valiantly Against Doubters But Took Incremental Steps Studded With A Few Intuitive Leaps.

I Got A Flue Shot And Now My Chimney Works Perfectly.

She Didn't Even Finish Her Last Sentence; It Just Trailed Off. I Think The Subject Had Changed In Her Head While Her Mouth Had Continued On The Old Topic, Not Realizing It Was Out Of Supplies.

I Couldn't See His Face, Because The Light Came In From Behind Him And He Was In Shadow, And He Said, "i Am Picasso." And I Said, "well, So What?

I Will Do Anything To Look Like Him - Except, Of Course, Exercise Or Eat Right.

I Did A Lot Of Things When I First Started Out. In Order To Be In Show Business, I Juggled, I Did Magic Tricks, Cards Tricks And I Played The Banjo.

It's Not The Size Of The Nose That Matters, It's What's Inside That Counts.

How Many People Have Never Raised Their Hand Before?

If You've Got A Dollar And You Spend 29 Cents On A Loaf Of Bread, You've Got 71 Cents Left; But If You've Got Seventeen Grand And You Spend 29 Cents On A Loaf Of Bread, You've Still Got Seventeen Grand. There's A Math Lesson For You.

An Apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath The Dignity Of Any Gentleman, However Wrong He Might Be.

I Think Films Are About Having A Good Time, So I Don't Know That There's A Message. The Message Of A Film Is Always What A Critic Writes, And The Fun Of A Film Or The Emotion Of A Film Is What The Audience Feels.

There Is Something Going On Now In Mexico That I Happen To Think Is Cruelty To Animals. What I'm Talking About, Of Course, Is Cat Juggling.

I Would Assign Every Lie A Color: Yellow When They Were Innocent, Pale Blue When They Sailed Over You Like The Sky, Red Because I Knew They Drew Blood. And Then There Was The Black Lie. That's The Worst Of All. A Black Lie Was When I Told You The Truth.

He Gave Her His Phone Number, In A Peculiar Reversal Of Dating Procedure. She Might Have Considered Kissing Him, Even After The Horrible First Date, But He Just Didn’t Seem To Know What To Do. However, Jeremy Does Have One Outstanding Quality. He Likes Her. And This Quality In A Person Makes Them Infinitely Interesting To The Person Who Is Being Liked.

I Cannot Smell Mothballs Because It's So Difficult To Get Their Little Legs Apart.

When I Was In College, I Was Debating To Try My Hand At Show Business, Or To Become A Professor. I Just Thought Of The Risk Of Not Going Into Show Business And Always Wondering If I Would've Had A Chance. Because That's Where My Real Heart Was.

You Want To Know How I Think Art Should Be Taught To Children? Take Them To A Museum And Say, 'this Is Art, And You Can't Do It.

Were They Beautiful? We Were All Beautiful. We Were In Our Twenties.

It Was Easier To Sell A Painting That Was Not For Sale.

Tweeting Is Really Only Good For One Thing - It's Just Good For Tweeting... It Is Rewarding, Because It's Just Its Own Reward. It's Sort Of Like Heaven.

I Don't Really Manage My Time. I Really Just Wait Until I'm Inspired To Do Something. And When I'm Inspired To Do Something, It Just Happens.

Home To Me Is When Someone Comes Up To Me And Says, "can I Get A Selfie?" No. It's Where Your Wife And Your Family Are. It's The Emotional Place Where You Feel Like You're Not Away From It.

You Know, You're Really Nobody In L.a. Unless You Live In A House With A Really Big Door.

If You're Studying Geology, Which Is All Facts, As Soon As You Get Out Of School You Forget It All, But Philosophy You Remember Just Enough To Screw You Up For The Rest Of Your Life.

No Matter How Many Times People Say It - 'oh, I'm Just Writing This For Myself' 'oh, I'm Just Doing This For Myself' - Nobody's Doing It For Themselves! You're Doing It For An Audience. So Whether I'm Performing Or Writing A Book Or Playing Music, It's Definitely To Be Put Out There And To Be Received In Some Way, Definitely.

In My Banjo Show With The Steep Canyon Rangers, I Do Do Comedy During That Show. It'd Be Absurd Just To Stand There Mute And Play 25 Banjo Songs.

Be So Good They Can't Ignore You.

I Find Animated Movies Very Touching. They Reach An Audience That's Hard To Get With A Live-action Film.

There's Someone Out There For Everyone - Even If You Need A Pickaxe, A Compass, And Night Goggles To Find Them.

For A While, Mirabelle Believes There Will Be A Moment When He Will Cave In And Let Himself Love Her, But Eventually She Lets The Idea Go. She Hits Bottom. She Dwells In The Muck For Several Months, Not Depressed Exactly, But Involved In A Mourning That At First She Thinks Is For Ray But Soon Realizes Is For The Loss Of Her Old Self.

The Teen Years Are Extremely Serious And Everything Matters And Every Insult Really Hurts. I Know There Are Cliques And Bullying. And You Don't Yet understand That It Will All Go Away.

Hollywood Must Be The Only Place On Earth Where You Can Be Fired By A Man Wearing A Hawaiian Shirt And A Baseball Cap.

Knowledge Of Means Without Knowledge Of Ends Is Animal Training.

I Don't Think Anyone Is Ever Writing So That You Can Throw It Away. You're Always Writing It To Be Something. Later, You Decide Whether It'll Ever See The Light Of Day. But At The Moment Of Its Writing, It's Always Meant To Be Something. So, To Me, There's No Practicing; There's Only Editing And Publishing Or Not Publishing.

All Of Life’s Riddles Are Answered In The Movies.

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