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I Was Taught That Candles Are Like House Cats - Domesticated Versions Of Something Wild And Dangerous. There's No Way To Know How Much Of That Killer Instinct Lurks In The Darkness. I Used To Think The House-burning Paranoia Was The Result Of Some Upper-middle-class Fear Regarding The Potential Destruction Of A Half-million-dollar Westchester House The Size Of A Matchbox. But Then I Realized The Fear Stemmed From Something Far Less Complex: We're Not Used To Fire. Candles Are A Staple Of The Judaic Existence And, Like Many Suburban Residents Before Us, We're Pretty Bad Jews.

-Sloane Crosley

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I Was Taught That

Sloane Crosley

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I Was Taught That Candles Are Like House Cats - Domesticated Versions Of Something Wild And Dangerous. There's No Way To Know How Much Of That Killer Instinct Lurks In The Darkness. I Used To Think The House-burning Paranoia Was The Result Of Some Upper-middle-class Fear Regarding The Potential Destruction Of A Half-million-dollar Westchester House The Size Of A Matchbox. But Then I Realized The Fear Stemmed From Something Far Less Complex: We're Not Used To Fire. Candles Are A Staple Of The Judaic Existence And, Like Many Suburban Residents Before Us, We're Pretty Bad Jews.

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When You Spin A Globe And Point To A City And Actually Go To That City, You Build An Allowance Of Missed Opportunities On The Back End.

A Pet Store Is A Celebration Of Dogs' Existence And An Explosion Of Options. About Cats, A Pet Store Seems To Say, 'here, We Couldn't Think Of Anything Else.' Cats Are The Hanukkah Of The Animal World In This Way. They Are Feted Quietly And Happily By A Minority, But There's Only So Much Hoopla Applicable To Them.

As We Grow Up, It Feels Like You Should Either Invite People Into Your Life Or Not. There Should Be Fewer And Fewer Instances Of Friends You ‘can Only Take In Small Doses.’

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I Wanted To Be An Archaeologist. But In School You Have To Take A Tremendous Amount Of Statistics For That, And I Am Not Good At Statistics. So I Hit A Real Wall With Archaeology. It's Probably Like Wanting To Be An Architect - You Think It's All Fun And Games, And Then You Have To Get Out A Calculator And You're Done.

Picture It In Your Mind's Nostril: You Get In A Cab In Time To Catch Twin Thugs Named Vomit And Cologne Assaulting A Defenseless Pine-tree Air Freshener.

I Hope To One Day Co-sign A Lease With Another Person But, Well, It Doesn't Plague Me That I Have Yet To Do So. Put It This Way: I've Never Had To Violently Tug At My Own Pillow At 2 A.m. To Get Myself To Stop Snoring.

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I'm A Summer Baby, So I Usually Have My Birthday As A Good Summer Memory.

There's Already A Marriage Clock, A Career Clock, A Biological Clock. Sometimes Being A Woman Feels Like Standing In The Lobby Of A Hotel, Looking At The Dials Depicting Every Time Zone In The World Behind The Front Desk - Except They All Apply To You, And All At Once.

I Don't Understand How You Can Be A Decent Writer And Not Know People.

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I Can't See The Forest Through The Trees, Except The Trees Are People.

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You Feel Like Telling Him You're Not Single In The Way That He Thinks You're Single. After All, You Have Yourself. I Think A Lot Of Humor Is About Distracting Yourself. Pretend You're Not Trying To Make It Funny. Because For Some Reason The Effort To Be Funny Smells Like Sulphur In Our Culture.

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Brits And Americans Have Hundreds Of Different Phrases For The Same Thing. Luckily, It's Usually A Source Of Amusement Rather Than Frustration. A Flashlight By Any Other Name Is Still A Torch. My Personal Favourite Is 'fairy Lights,' Which We Boringly Refer To As 'christmas Lights.'

Because I Am A Horrible Flincher, Contact Lenses Are Not An Option. I'm Always Envious Of Contact-wearers. There Are Endless Reasons To Take Off One's Glasses During The Day And, As I Have Grown Older, What I Don't See Has Become Increasingly Pronounced.

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As Most Doctors Will Tell You, Cleansing Is Ridiculous. You Know What's Been Around Longer Than That State-of-the-art Juicer? Your Kidneys. And Your Liver. Still, The Cleanse Has Recalibrated My Definition Of A Splurge.

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Natural Instinct

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Publishing House

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A Lot Of People Are Lonely. A Lot Of People Are Lonely Even When They're Surrounded By Other People.

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Book Tours Are Such A Little Tapas Meal Of Where I Could Live.

The Year Most Of My High School Friends And I Got Our Driver's Permits, The Coolest Thing One Could Do Was Stand Outside After School And Twirl One's Car Keys Like A Lifeguard Whistle. That Jingling Sound Meant Freedom And Power.

We Are Only As Good As Our Most Extreme Experiences

I Was Compiling A List In My Head Titled 'reasons To Get Up: You Don't Have To Leave, But You Can't Pee Here.

Sometimes In New York, You're Walking Down The Street And You Realize There's A Girl Walking In Front Of You Whose Thighs You Could Hit A Golf Ball Through, And Maybe That Makes You Depressed.

I Think That Most New Yorkers Would Object To Calling Me A New Yorker. I Didn't Grow Up Here.

Let Me Put It This Way: I Don't Feel As Settled As I Look. I Think That's True Of Everyone, Probably. Except For Beyonce And Jay-z. I Don't Think They Wake Up And Think, 'ugh, When's It Going To Work Out For Us? Why Can't We Catch A Break?' Aside From Them, I'm Pretty Sure Everyone's Life Feels A Lot Less Intentional.

Unless You Are A Professional, You Will Find The Tart To Be A High-maintenance, Unforgiving Whistle-blower Of A Pastry.

Since Graduation, I Have Measured Time In 4-by-5-inch Pieces Of Paper, Four Days On The Left And Three On The Right. Every Social Engagement, Interview, Reading, Flight, Doctor's Appointment, Birthday And Dry-cleaning Reminder Has Been Handwritten Between Metal Loops.

Like Most Citizens Of Popular And International Urban Centres, I Don't Take Advantage Of The Cultural Opportunities. Perhaps This Comes From Growing Up In Suburbia. Home Is Where You Eat, Sleep, Read, Watch Television And Ignore Your Parents. It Is Not Where You Go To The Ballet And Then Attend A Heated Panel Discussion About It Afterwards.

I Am Starting To Like La, But The Concept Of A Place You Have To Get Used To So Much Seems A Little Weird To Me. I Have Been To Many Foreign Cities Where I Didn't Have Do Acclimatize As Much As I Did To La

I Find That Anything Culturally Significant That Happened Before '93 I Associate With The Decade Before It. In Fact, Oregon Trail Is One Of A Handful Of Signposts That Middle School Existed At All.

I Think The Goal With Any Writing, But Especially Narrative Nonfiction, Is To Put The Blockade Of Putting Your Thoughts In This Unnatural Medium Of Print And Then Trying To Reach Through That And Actually Convey What's Going On, What You Think, And Make People Laugh And Recognize Themselves While Doing It. Definitely The Laughing Thing.

You Just Don't Notice The Time Of Your Own Metamorphosis. Until You Do. Every Once In A While Time Dissolves And You Remember What You Liked As A Kid. You Jump On Your Hotel Bed, Order Dessert First, Decide To Put Every Piece Of Jewelry You Own On Your Body And Leave The House. Why? Because You Can. Because You're The Boss. Because... Ooooh. Shiny.

I Prefer To Record All Traumas And Save Them For Later, Playing Them Over And Over So They Can Haunt Me For A Disproportionate Number Of Weeks To Come. It's Very Healthy.

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Falling In Love

I Think It's Hard To Have A Full-time Job And Write Fiction, But For Essays, You Need To Be In The World.

We've Come To Expect So Little From Online Privacy Measures That Public Displays Of Concern About The Matter Are More Or Less For Show. Being Devastated To Discover You've Been Tagged In Somebody Else's Photo Has An Air Of The Melodramatic About It At This Point.

I Have Nothing Against Canada. I Think That Canadians Might Know The Secret To All Existence, But To Us It Just Comes Off As Timid And Kind And Too Nice, And It Strikes Us As Lacking Edge. Unless You Are Hijacking Someone And Going On A Reality Show With Your Eight Kids And Wearing A Velour Pink Pantsuit, Then You Have No Edge To Us.

Friendship Is A Spackle In Itself. You'll Forgive Your Friends A Lot, And If You're A Woman, You'll Forgive Your Straight Male Friends Even More. They Represent The Possibility Of Mutual Toleration Between The Sexes, A Keyhole Into The Mind Of The Other, And The Promise Of One Day Meeting Someone Just Like Them Except That You Want To Sleep With Them.

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No Affair That Begins With Such An Orchestrated Overture Can End On A Simple Note.

I Like To Try To Do A Little Work Before I Do Anything In The Morning, Even If It's A Paragraph.

It's Never Good To Fall In Love With Someone Whom You'd Have To Stab In The Eyeballs To Elicit A Response.

Falling In Love

I Think Humor Is The Social Use. You Can Put Anything In It. I Think - Yes, I Speak Heavily In Analogies - It Is Like Putting The Medicine In Apple Sauce Or A Block Of Cheese For A Dog. Not That Anyone In This Room Is A Dog In This Scenario.

I Have A Disproportionate Amount Of Faith In The Goodness Of The World And That Everything Will Actually Work Out Okay.

Working On An Essay Versus A Novel Is Like The Difference Between Seeing To That Curtain And Seeing To New Jersey.

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Unless We're Talking About Old-school, Witchcraft-trial Violence, Can We Please Phase Out The Phrase 'girl Crush?' While We're At It, If We Can Axe 'like, Total Girl Crush' Unless Total Girl Crush Is The Name Of A Fizzy Soft Drink, In Which Case I'll Take Two, Thank You.

Most People Don't Get Lucky. They Get Human. They Get Crushes. This Means You Irrationally Mortgage What Little Logic You Own To Pay For This One Thing. This Relationship Is An Impulse Buy, And You'll Figure Out If It's Worth It Later.

Uniqueness Is Wasted On Youth. Like Fine Wine Or A Solid Flossing Habit, You'll Be Grateful For It When You're Older.

We All Deserve To Be Congratulated, But Sadly That Would Mean There's No One Left To Do The Congratulating.

I Have Definitely Had Experiences Where I Can Feel The Shift From Simply Living My Life To Being Slightly Outside Of My Life And Taking Notes.

There's An 'everything Must Go!' Emotional Liquidation Feel To The End Of Your Twenties, Isn't There? What Will Happen If We Turn Thirty And We're Not 'ready?' You Don't Feel Entirely Settled In Any Aspect Of Your Life, Even If You Are On Paper.

Okay, This Is Fran Lebowitz. She Gave An Interview Once For The Paris Review About Trying To Write Fiction And Saying That Fiction Writers Start Talking About How Characters Are Talking To Them, And It's Crazy, She's Never Had That. And I Also Thought, I'm Never Gonna Be Able To Do This, Because I Didn't Feel That For A Really Long Time.

I Have Come To Understand Myself As More Of A New York Writer, Or More Of A Woman Writer, But I Don't Feel Like That While I'm Writing. But I Think That Most New Yorkers Would Object To Calling Me A New Yorker. I Didn't Grow Up Here.

New Yorkers Have A Delightfully Narcissistic Habit Of Assuming That If They're Not Conscious Of A Scene, It Doesn't Exist.

I Do Want To Get Married. It's A Nice Idea. Though I Think Husbands Are Like Tattoos--you Should Wait Until You Come Across Something You Want On Your Body For The Rest Of Your Life Instead Of Just Wandering Into A Tattoo Parlor On Some Idle Sunday And Saying, 'i Feel Like I Should Have One Of These Suckers By Now. I'll Take A Thorny Rose And A "mom" Anchor, Please. No, Not That One--the Big One.

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My Grandmother Was A Kind Of Scarsdale, New York, Society Woman, Best Known In Her Day As The Author Of The 1959 Book 'growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide For Teen-agers' - This Despite Being A Person Whose Parenting Style Made Joan Crawford's Wire Hangers Look Like Pool Noodles.

Everything In New York Seems To Merit Preserving. If It's Not Historical, It's Personal. If It's Not Personal, It's Cultural. But You Can't. You Can't Save Everything. You Just Have To Pack It Up In Your Brain And Take It With You When You Go.

There's Just No Concept Of Layering A Thick-sleeved Sweater Under A Coat In L.a. A Coat Is More Of A Gesture Than A Necessity. You Know, In Case The Temperature Goes Down To 55 Degrees.

There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World: Those Who Know Where Their High School Yearbook Is And Those Who Do Not.

Cohabitation Seems A Greater Leap In Cities Because It's All The Harder To Extract Oneself If Things Turn Sour. It's What Keeps Otherwise Functional Adults Living With Their Mothers.

My Personality, When Tasked With Creating Meals, Goes Something Like This: Is There A Way We Can Make This More Difficult? Because Let's Do That. I Don't Mean To Complicate Things. It's Just - Why Buy Pre-packaged Potato Salad When You Can Spend Your Morning Boiling Potatoes And Flipping Out Because There's No Dill In The House?

Air Travel Is The Safest Form Of Travel Aside From Walking; Even Then, The Chances Of Being Hit By A Public Bus At 30,000 Feet Are Remarkably Slim. I Also Have No Problem With Confined Spaces. Or Heights. What I Am Afraid Of Is Speed.

For The Average Person, Taken To Their Sick Bed, It Takes A Serious Bout Of Pneumonia Or A Full Body Cast To Completely Forget The Life They Had Prior To Falling Off The Rollercoaster. I, However, Will Do This Over A Paper Cut On My Thumb, Obsessing Of Said Cut And Being Generally Consumed By It.

I Definitely Rediscovered Reading For Pleasure By Devoting Such A Large Swath Of My Time To Sitting On Airplanes. I Am Now Painfully Adept At Removing My Shoes So As To Have The Least Amount Of Foot Surface Area Touching An Airport Floor.

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Sometimes We Don't Know What We Want Until We Don't Get It.

It Seemed More And More Like Something Out Of A Children's Book - The Butterfly That Followed The Little Girl All The Way Home To Her Fifth-floor Walk-up. How Above-the-law Children's Books Are. Hansel And Gretel (littering, Breaking And Entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced Labor), Snow White (conspiracy To Commit Murder), Rapunzel (breach Of Contract).

The Queen Of Crafts Herself, Martha Stewart, And I Have The Same Birthday. I Prefer To Think It's The Glue-gun Wielding, Perfect-tart-producing Martha And Not The Copper Pan-throwing, Jail-going Martha. But I Suppose If I Am Going To Share A Calendar Square With Some Of Martha, I Have To Share It With All Of Martha.

Ah, The Power Of Two. There's Nothing Quite Like It. Especially When It Comes To Paying Utility Bills, Parenting, Cooking Elaborate Meals, Purchasing A Grown-up Bed, Jumping Rope And Lifting Heavy Machinery. The World Favours Pairs. Who Wants To Waste The Wood Building An Ark For Singletons?

In New York, If You Weigh Under 200 Pounds And Decline So Much As A Cookie At A Co-worker's Party, Women Will Flock To Your Side, Assuring You Of Your Appealing Physique. This Is How Skittish We Are About The Dangers Of Anorexia And The Pressures Of Body Image.

I Was The Youngest Of My Entire Family So You Are Tap-dancing To Try To Get The Attention Of Your Older Cousins. I Really Hit My Social Stride In 6th Grade, But Before That I Was A Pretty Big Dork. You Learn How To Be Amusing And How To Work For It.

If I Go Into A Sandwich Shop Or Anywhere That Features 'today's Specials' On A Chalkboard More Than 10 Feet Away, I Have To Ask For A Printed Menu. I Smile At People I Don't Know On The Street And Ignore Those I Do. When At Home, I Often Find Myself Grabbing My 'back-up' Glasses To Search For The Better-loved Pair I Have Left On Top Of My Dresser.

In New York And La, There Is Sort Of That Silent Competition To Be On The Cutting Edge Of Something.

And There's Something About Having An Especially Different Name That Makes It Difficult To Imagine What You Would Be Like As A Jennifer.

Ah, The Power Of Two. There's Nothing Quite Like It. Especially When It Comes To Paying Utility Bills, Parenting, Cooking Elaborate Meals, Purchasing A Grown-up Bed, Jumping Rope And Lifting Heavy Machinery. The World Favours Pairs. Who Wants To Waste The Wood Building An Ark For Singletons?

You Feel Like Telling Him You're Not Single In The Way That He Thinks You're Single. After All, You Have Yourself. I Think A Lot Of Humor Is About Distracting Yourself. Pretend You're Not Trying To Make It Funny. Because For Some Reason The Effort To Be Funny Smells Like Sulphur In Our Culture.

When I Was 14, A Camp Counselor Explained What "eating Out" Was And I Vowed To Never Have It Done To Me. It Seemed Cannibalistic And Unhygienic. I Also Remember That She Claimed--in Front Of An Entire Cabin Of Girls--to Have Been "eaten Out" By One Of The Maintenance Men In A Hot Tub. Under Hot Water. Either Something Is Amiss In My Memory Of This Conversation Or She Found The Most Talented Man On The Planet And All Hope Is Lost For The Rest Of Us.

A Human Being Can Spend Only So Much Time Outside Her Comfort Zone Before She Realizes She Is Still Tethered To It.

As Most New Yorkers Have Done, I Have Given Serious And Generous Thought To The State Of My Apartment Should I Get Killed During The Day.

There Is One Thing You Know For Sure, One Fact That Never Fails To Comfort You: The Worst Day Of Your Life Wasn't In There, In That Mess. And It Will Do You Good To Remember The Best Day Of Your Life Wasn't In There, Either. But Another Person Brought You Closer To Those Borders Than You Had Been, And Maybe That's Not Such A Bad Thing.

Are There Moments When I See Unrequited Crushes Or Ex-boyfriends Slow Dancing With Their Dates And Kind Of Want To Stab Myself In The Spleen With A Salad Fork? Yeah, Sure.

I Write On Weekends, On Vacation, And, Really - On Deadline And On My Floor. Both Terrible For The Back.

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