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I Thought I Was Going To Write Fiction But I Fell Backwards Into Non-fiction. It Started When I Got Locked Out Of Two Apartments In One Day And I Told The Story To Some Friends, One Of Whom Worked In The 'village Voice' And Asked Me To Turn It Into An Essay.

-Sloane Crosley

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I Thought I Was

Sloane Crosley

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I Thought I Was Going To Write Fiction But I Fell Backwards Into Non-fiction. It Started When I Got Locked Out Of Two Apartments In One Day And I Told The Story To Some Friends, One Of Whom Worked In The 'village Voice' And Asked Me To Turn It Into An Essay.

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Picture It In Your Mind's Nostril: You Get In A Cab In Time To Catch Twin Thugs Named Vomit And Cologne Assaulting A Defenseless Pine-tree Air Freshener.

Alaska Is What Happens When Willy Wonka And The Witch From Hansel And Gretel Elope, Buy A Place Together Upstate, Renounce Their Sweet Teeth, And Turn Into Health Fanatics.

A Lot Of People Are Lonely. A Lot Of People Are Lonely Even When They're Surrounded By Other People.

I Used To Think That Nails-down-a-chalkboard Was The Worst Sound In The World. Then I Moved On To People-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But Only This Week Did I Stumble Across The Rightful Winner: It's The Sound Of A Baggage Carousel Coming To A Grinding Halt, Having Reunited Every Passenger On Your Flight With Their Luggage, Except For You.

I Spent A Lot Of Time Waiting For Things To Happen To Me, Which Is More Or Less As Pathetic As It Sounds.

For A Long Time I Wanted To Draw, But I Could Never Get The Proportions Right. My Still Life Sketches Were The Artistic Equivalent Of Someone Who Has Misjudged The Space Constraints Of A Postcard, The Handwriting Shrinking Uncomfortably At The Bottom.

Time Grabs You By The Scruff Of Your Neck And Drags You Forward. You Get Over It, Of Course. Everyone Was Right About That. One Mathematically Insignificant Day, You Stop Hoping For Happiness And Become Actually Happy.

I Like To Try To Do A Little Work Before I Do Anything In The Morning, Even If It's A Paragraph.

I Was Compiling A List In My Head Titled 'reasons To Get Up: You Don't Have To Leave, But You Can't Pee Here.

The Search For One's First Professional Job Is Not Unlike A Magical Love Potion: When One Wants To Fall In Love With The Next Thing One Sees, One Generally Does.

Falling In Love

I Wouldn't Want To Live In Berlin. It's Bombed Out And There's A Lot Of Techno.

I Can Say With A Solid Degree Of Authority That I Am A Selfish Person. I Spontaneously Forget The Names Of More People Than Not, Unless I Want To Make Out With Them. I Will Take The Last Square Of Toilet Paper Off The Roll Without Thinking Twice. I Tip Taxi Drivers So Poorly I'm Amazed None Of Them Have Run Over My Foot While Speeding Off.

When I Was Nine Years Old, I Wrote A Short Story Called 'how To Build A Snowman,' From Which No Practical Snowperson-crafting Techniques Could Be Gleaned. The Story Was An Assignment For Class And It Featured A Series Of Careful But Meaningless Instructions. Of Course, The Building Of The Snowman Was A Red Herring.

Some Of The Writers I Admire Who Seem Very, Very Funny And Very Emotional To Me Can Develop A Closeness With The Reader Without Giving Too Much Of Themselves Away. Lorrie Moore Comes To Mind, As Does David Sedaris. When They Write, The Reader Thinks That They're Being Trusted As A Friend.

When You Spin A Globe And Point To A City And Actually Go To That City, You Build An Allowance Of Missed Opportunities On The Back End.

He Also Tried To Block The Doorway When She Left Him. My Mother Ducked Under His Arm, Ran To Her Car, And Drove Away. I Remember Thinking That This Was Somehow Romantic, As It Pinpointed The Actual Memory Of My Mother's Departure, Something You Don't See A Lot Of In Television. Real People Don't Slam Doors Without Opening Them Five Minutes Later Because It's Raining And They Forgot Their Umbrella. They Don't Stop Dead In Their Tracks Because They Realize They're In Love With Their Best Friend.they Don't Say, "i'm Leaving You, Jack," And Fade To A Paper Towel Commercial.

The Children Were Overwhelmingly Morbid. Not A Single Adult Asked Me Where Butterflies Go When They Die, But This Question Was More Popular Than Pixie Sticks With The Under-four-foot Set. I Cursed Parents For Not Preparing Their Children. When I Was Five, My Mother And Sister Sat Me Up On The Kitchen Counter And Explained The Facts Of Life: The Easter Bunny Didn't Exist, Elijah Was God's Invisible Friend, With Any Luck Nana Would Die Soon, And If I Ever Saw A Unicorn, I Should Kill It Or Catch It For Cash. I Turned Out Okay.

We All Deserve To Be Congratulated, But Sadly That Would Mean There's No One Left To Do The Congratulating.

But Now My Problems Had Been Set Loose. They Could Be Anywhere At Any Time And I Was Just Like Everyone Else I Knew: Almost Positive That There Was Something Profoundly And Undiagnosably Wrong With Me.

Most People Don't Get Lucky. They Get Human. They Get Crushes. This Means You Irrationally Mortgage What Little Logic You Own To Pay For This One Thing. This Relationship Is An Impulse Buy, And You'll Figure Out If It's Worth It Later.

No Affair That Begins With Such An Orchestrated Overture Can End On A Simple Note.

Who Do You Have To Sleep With To Get Laid In This Town?

Because I Am A Horrible Flincher, Contact Lenses Are Not An Option. I'm Always Envious Of Contact-wearers. There Are Endless Reasons To Take Off One's Glasses During The Day And, As I Have Grown Older, What I Don't See Has Become Increasingly Pronounced.

Ah, The Power Of Two. There's Nothing Quite Like It. Especially When It Comes To Paying Utility Bills, Parenting, Cooking Elaborate Meals, Purchasing A Grown-up Bed, Jumping Rope And Lifting Heavy Machinery. The World Favours Pairs. Who Wants To Waste The Wood Building An Ark For Singletons?

We've Come To Expect So Little From Online Privacy Measures That Public Displays Of Concern About The Matter Are More Or Less For Show. Being Devastated To Discover You've Been Tagged In Somebody Else's Photo Has An Air Of The Melodramatic About It At This Point.

I Was Surprised By How Much I Loved Portland. It Is So Wonderfully Creative Without Being Artsy. Great Food Scene.

I'm A Summer Baby, So I Usually Have My Birthday As A Good Summer Memory.

You Feel Like Telling Him You're Not Single In The Way That He Thinks You're Single. After All, You Have Yourself.

In Every Woman's Wardrobe, There Are Certain Accessories That Cannot Be Separated From Their Back Stories.

My Grandmother Was A Kind Of Scarsdale, New York, Society Woman, Best Known In Her Day As The Author Of The 1959 Book 'growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide For Teen-agers' - This Despite Being A Person Whose Parenting Style Made Joan Crawford's Wire Hangers Look Like Pool Noodles.

What Annoyed Me Was That I So Often Attempted To Weasel Out Of Things On Purpose, It Killed Me To Do It By Accident. It Seemed Like A Waste Of Whatever Detailed Lie I Was Going To Have To Come Up With.

I Wanted To Be An Archaeologist. But In School You Have To Take A Tremendous Amount Of Statistics For That, And I Am Not Good At Statistics. So I Hit A Real Wall With Archaeology. It's Probably Like Wanting To Be An Architect - You Think It's All Fun And Games, And Then You Have To Get Out A Calculator And You're Done.

New Yorkers Have A Delightfully Narcissistic Habit Of Assuming That If They're Not Conscious Of A Scene, It Doesn't Exist.

Because, Ten-year-olds Of The World, You Shouldn't Believe What Your Teachers Tell You About The Beauty And Specialness And Uniqueness Of You. Or, Believe It, Little Snowflake, But Know It Won't Make A Bit Of Difference Until After Puberty. It's Newton's Lost Law: Anything That Makes You Unique Later Will Get Your Chocolate Milk Stolen And Your Eye Blackened As A Kid. Won't It, Sebastian? Oh, Yes, It Will, My Little Mandarin Chinese-learning, Poe-reciting, High-top-wearing Friend. God Bless You, Wherever You Are.

I Think That Most New Yorkers Would Object To Calling Me A New Yorker. I Didn't Grow Up Here.

As We Grow Up, It Feels Like You Should Either Invite People Into Your Life Or Not. There Should Be Fewer And Fewer Instances Of Friends You ‘can Only Take In Small Doses.’

I Thought Of A High School Report I Did On The Belgian Artist Rene Magritte And A Quote I Once Read From Him, Something About His Favorite Walk Being The One He Took Around His Own Bedroom. He Said That He Never Understood The Need For People To Travel Because All The Poetry And Perspective You're Ever Going To Get You Already Posses. Anais Nin Had The Same Idea. We See The World As We Are. So If It's The Same Brain We Bring With Us Every Time We Open Our Eyes, What's The Difference If We're Looking At An Island Cove Or A Pocket Watch?

I Was Diagnosed With A Severe Temporal Spatial Deficit, A Learning Disability That Means I Have Zero Spatial Relations Skills. It Was Official: I Was A Genius Trapped In An Idiot's Body.

Let Me Put It This Way: I Don't Feel As Settled As I Look. I Think That's True Of Everyone, Probably. Except For Beyonce And Jay-z. I Don't Think They Wake Up And Think, 'ugh, When's It Going To Work Out For Us? Why Can't We Catch A Break?' Aside From Them, I'm Pretty Sure Everyone's Life Feels A Lot Less Intentional.

The Queen Of Crafts Herself, Martha Stewart, And I Have The Same Birthday. I Prefer To Think It's The Glue-gun Wielding, Perfect-tart-producing Martha And Not The Copper Pan-throwing, Jail-going Martha. But I Suppose If I Am Going To Share A Calendar Square With Some Of Martha, I Have To Share It With All Of Martha.

I Think It's Hard To Have A Full-time Job And Write Fiction, But For Essays, You Need To Be In The World.

The World I Describe Is About How People Live Now. It's Not About Zany People With Unlimited, Inexplicable Funds In An Apartment Somewhere.

I Have Definitely Had Experiences Where I Can Feel The Shift From Simply Living My Life To Being Slightly Outside Of My Life And Taking Notes.

Because This Is The Beauty Of Strangers: We're All Just Doing Our Best To Help Each Other Out, Motivated Not By Karma But By A Natural Instinct To Help The Greater Whole.

Natural Instinct

The Truth Is, I Wrote A Novel When I Was 23. It's Hideously Bad. Truly Rotten.

And There's Something About Having An Especially Different Name That Makes It Difficult To Imagine What You Would Be Like As A Jennifer.

I Don't Understand How You Can Be A Decent Writer And Not Know People.

I Never Asked My Mother Where Babies Came From But I Remember Clearly The Day She Volunteered The Information....my Mother Called Me To Set The Table For Dinner. She Sat Me Down In The Kitchen, And Under The Classic Caveat Of 'loving Each Other Very, Very Much,' Explained That When A Man And A Woman Hug Tightly, The Man Plants A Seed In The Woman. The Seed Grows Into A Baby. Then She Sent Me To The Pantry To Get Placemats. As A Direct Result Of This Conversation, I Wouldn't Hug My Father For Two Months.

You Feel Like Telling Him You're Not Single In The Way That He Thinks You're Single. After All, You Have Yourself. I Think A Lot Of Humor Is About Distracting Yourself. Pretend You're Not Trying To Make It Funny. Because For Some Reason The Effort To Be Funny Smells Like Sulphur In Our Culture.

Juice Cleansing Has Been All The Rage For Some Time. And I Used The Word 'rage' Advisedly; One Must Push A Violent Flood Of Liquidised Vegetables And Fruit Through One's System For At Least Three Days In Order To Perform A 'cleanse.'

Hey There.' I Cleared My Throat. 'how Are You?' I'm Engaged!' Incidentally, This Is An Unacceptable Answer To That Question.

The Year Most Of My High School Friends And I Got Our Driver's Permits, The Coolest Thing One Could Do Was Stand Outside After School And Twirl One's Car Keys Like A Lifeguard Whistle. That Jingling Sound Meant Freedom And Power.

The Hardest Thing Is Spending Twelve Hours A Day Accommodating The Rest Of The World, Then Going Home At Night And Criticizing It. I Would Be Curious About What I'd Write If I Didn't Have To Worry About Offending.

My Mother Is A Special Education Teacher But Also An Artist, And My Father An Advertising Executive. They Are About As Wacky As You Can Get Without Being Alcoholics.

Not All Shabby Is Chic, Just Like Not Every Porn Actor Is A Star.

Like Most Citizens Of Popular And International Urban Centres, I Don't Take Advantage Of The Cultural Opportunities. Perhaps This Comes From Growing Up In Suburbia. Home Is Where You Eat, Sleep, Read, Watch Television And Ignore Your Parents. It Is Not Where You Go To The Ballet And Then Attend A Heated Panel Discussion About It Afterwards.

We Are Only As Good As Our Most Extreme Experiences

At The End Of Each Year, I Sit On The Floor And Go Page By Page Through The Old Calendar, Inking Annual Events Into The New One, All The While Watching My Year In 'dinner Withs' Skate By. When I'm Done, I Save The Old Calendar In The Box Of The New One And Put It With The Others On A Shelf.

A Human Being Can Spend Only So Much Time Outside Her Comfort Zone Before She Realizes She Is Still Tethered To It.

Ladies. Large Masses Of Girls Are Often Prone To This Salutation. I Hate Being Mollified With This Unsolicited "ladies" Business. I Know We're All Women. I Am Conscious Of My Breasts. Do I Have To Be Conscious Of Yours As Well? Do Men Do This? Do They Go, "men: Meet For Ribs In The Shed After The Game. Keg Beer, Raw Eggs, And Death Metal Only." I Would Imagine Not.

For The Average Person, Taken To Their Sick Bed, It Takes A Serious Bout Of Pneumonia Or A Full Body Cast To Completely Forget The Life They Had Prior To Falling Off The Rollercoaster. I, However, Will Do This Over A Paper Cut On My Thumb, Obsessing Of Said Cut And Being Generally Consumed By It.

It's Remarkable The Logic We'll Build Around A Misapprehension.

I Love To Bake, So I Made Vanilla Bean And Blueberry Muffins For Sick Hospital Children. Just Kidding! All Of That Is True Except The Sick Children Part.

Okay, This Is Fran Lebowitz. She Gave An Interview Once For The Paris Review About Trying To Write Fiction And Saying That Fiction Writers Start Talking About How Characters Are Talking To Them, And It's Crazy, She's Never Had That. And I Also Thought, I'm Never Gonna Be Able To Do This, Because I Didn't Feel That For A Really Long Time.

Working On An Essay Versus A Novel Is Like The Difference Between Seeing To That Curtain And Seeing To New Jersey.

Cohabitation Seems A Greater Leap In Cities Because It's All The Harder To Extract Oneself If Things Turn Sour. It's What Keeps Otherwise Functional Adults Living With Their Mothers.

I Don't Really Think Of My Essays As Being About Myself. I Know It Sounds Insane, But I Just Don't Think Of Them As A Memoir. They're Essays; They're Not An Autobiography.

I Thought I Was Going To Write Fiction But I Fell Backwards Into Non-fiction. It Started When I Got Locked Out Of Two Apartments In One Day And I Told The Story To Some Friends, One Of Whom Worked In The 'village Voice' And Asked Me To Turn It Into An Essay.

There's An 'everything Must Go!' Emotional Liquidation Feel To The End Of Your Twenties, Isn't There? What Will Happen If We Turn Thirty And We're Not 'ready?' You Don't Feel Entirely Settled In Any Aspect Of Your Life, Even If You Are On Paper.

I Thought I'd Had Another Few Decades Before My Noise Complaint Years.

When I Was 14, A Camp Counselor Explained What "eating Out" Was And I Vowed To Never Have It Done To Me. It Seemed Cannibalistic And Unhygienic. I Also Remember That She Claimed--in Front Of An Entire Cabin Of Girls--to Have Been "eaten Out" By One Of The Maintenance Men In A Hot Tub. Under Hot Water. Either Something Is Amiss In My Memory Of This Conversation Or She Found The Most Talented Man On The Planet And All Hope Is Lost For The Rest Of Us.

Brits And Americans Have Hundreds Of Different Phrases For The Same Thing. Luckily, It's Usually A Source Of Amusement Rather Than Frustration. A Flashlight By Any Other Name Is Still A Torch. My Personal Favourite Is 'fairy Lights,' Which We Boringly Refer To As 'christmas Lights.'

It Seemed More And More Like Something Out Of A Children's Book - The Butterfly That Followed The Little Girl All The Way Home To Her Fifth-floor Walk-up. How Above-the-law Children's Books Are. Hansel And Gretel (littering, Breaking And Entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced Labor), Snow White (conspiracy To Commit Murder), Rapunzel (breach Of Contract).

I Write On Weekends, On Vacation, And, Really - On Deadline And On My Floor. Both Terrible For The Back.

Out Of All Artists, Authors Are The Least Trained For The Spotlight. Wanting Attention Isn't A Requisite Part Of The Package.

I Have Come To Understand Myself As More Of A New York Writer, Or More Of A Woman Writer, But I Don't Feel Like That While I'm Writing. But I Think That Most New Yorkers Would Object To Calling Me A New Yorker. I Didn't Grow Up Here.

It Takes A Level Of Creative Depression To Hear 'girls Just Wanna Have Fun' And Weep.

Ah, The Power Of Two. There's Nothing Quite Like It. Especially When It Comes To Paying Utility Bills, Parenting, Cooking Elaborate Meals, Purchasing A Grown-up Bed, Jumping Rope And Lifting Heavy Machinery. The World Favours Pairs. Who Wants To Waste The Wood Building An Ark For Singletons?

Life Starts Out With Everyone Clapping When You Take A Poo And Goes Downhill From There.

As Most Doctors Will Tell You, Cleansing Is Ridiculous. You Know What's Been Around Longer Than That State-of-the-art Juicer? Your Kidneys. And Your Liver. Still, The Cleanse Has Recalibrated My Definition Of A Splurge.

They Say It's Not The Snoring Itself But Those Anxiety-packed Moments In Between Snorts. It's The Waiting For The Nasal Passages Of The Person Lying Beside You To Strike Again. And Strike It Always Does. In The Dark, Almost Against Your Will, You Produce That Special Glare Reserved For People Who Cannot Control Their Own Behaviour.

Every Time I Open The Drawer, It's A Trip Down Memory Lane, Which, If You Don't Turn Off At The Right Exit, Merges Straight Into The Masochistic Nostalgia Highway.

When It Seems Impossible That A Deep Connection With Another Person Could Just Go Away Instead Of Changing Form. It Seems Impossible That You Will One Day Look Up And Say The Words "i Used To Date Someone Who Lived In That Building," Referring To A Three-year Relationship. As Simple As If It Was A Pizza Place That Is Now A Dry Cleaner's. It Happens. Keep Walking.

Everything In New York Seems To Merit Preserving. If It's Not Historical, It's Personal. If It's Not Personal, It's Cultural. But You Can't. You Can't Save Everything. You Just Have To Pack It Up In Your Brain And Take It With You When You Go.

Book Tours Are Such A Little Tapas Meal Of Where I Could Live.

You Know What They Say: 'why Sit At A Table That Doesn't Have Key Lime Pie On It If You Don't Have To?'

I Don't Do Emoticons Unless I'm Making A Big Deal Out Of Them. I'll Type Out, 'this Is So Amusing It Makes Me Want To Grin In Pixels.' And Then Do It.

Air Travel Is The Safest Form Of Travel Aside From Walking; Even Then, The Chances Of Being Hit By A Public Bus At 30,000 Feet Are Remarkably Slim. I Also Have No Problem With Confined Spaces. Or Heights. What I Am Afraid Of Is Speed.

My A-number One Visceral Fear Is Speed. More Than Knives Or Snakes Or Confined Spaces. Speed. I Won't Even Go On A Motor Boat If I Can Help It.

Friendship Is A Spackle In Itself. You'll Forgive Your Friends A Lot, And If You're A Woman, You'll Forgive Your Straight Male Friends Even More. They Represent The Possibility Of Mutual Toleration Between The Sexes, A Keyhole Into The Mind Of The Other, And The Promise Of One Day Meeting Someone Just Like Them Except That You Want To Sleep With Them.

As Most New Yorkers Have Done, I Have Given Serious And Generous Thought To The State Of My Apartment Should I Get Killed During The Day.

I Felt Like I Wasn't Doing Justice To Either Side Of My Life. It Wasn't Pronounced. Publicity Is An Awkward Thing To Do. It Is Awkward To Call People Up All The Time And Ask Them For Things On A Very Basic Level.

I Hope To One Day Co-sign A Lease With Another Person But, Well, It Doesn't Plague Me That I Have Yet To Do So. Put It This Way: I've Never Had To Violently Tug At My Own Pillow At 2 A.m. To Get Myself To Stop Snoring.

I Definitely Rediscovered Reading For Pleasure By Devoting Such A Large Swath Of My Time To Sitting On Airplanes. I Am Now Painfully Adept At Removing My Shoes So As To Have The Least Amount Of Foot Surface Area Touching An Airport Floor.

In New York And L.a., There Is Sort Of That Silent Competition To Be On The Cutting Edge Of Something. You End Up Having A Conversation With How The World Receives Your Work, Especially If You Are Writing Narrative, Not Fiction. Sometimes It Is An Awkward Conversation. It's Like Group Therapy.

Being A Writer Is An Endless Study In Human Transition And Lessons Learned Or Forgotten Or Misapplied.

I Love Giving People Advice On What To Do With Their Books, But I Don't Really Know How A Kindle Single Gets Covered.

Sometimes We Don't Know What We Want Until We Don't Get It.

In New York, If You Weigh Under 200 Pounds And Decline So Much As A Cookie At A Co-worker's Party, Women Will Flock To Your Side, Assuring You Of Your Appealing Physique. This Is How Skittish We Are About The Dangers Of Anorexia And The Pressures Of Body Image.

I Think The Rule Of Thumb Should Be This: If You Preface A Sentence About A Friend With The Phrase, 'i Love X, But... ' More Than Once In Any Conversation, You Should Stop Hanging Out With Them.

Are There Moments When I See Unrequited Crushes Or Ex-boyfriends Slow Dancing With Their Dates And Kind Of Want To Stab Myself In The Spleen With A Salad Fork? Yeah, Sure.

I Attended An Extremely Small Liberal Arts School. There Were Approximately 1,600 Of Us Roaming Our New England Campus On A Good Day. My High School Was Bigger. My Freshman Year Hourly Calorie Intake Was Bigger.

Every Day Of My Adult Life, I Have Worn At Least One Piece Of Jewelry From My Maternal Grandmother's Collection, All Of Which Were Manufactured By Famed Danish Silversmith Georg Jensen. To The Naked Eye, I Am Either A Jensen Loyalist Or A Grandmother Loyalist. Really I Am Just A Pretty Things Loyalist.

Unless We're Talking About Old-school, Witchcraft-trial Violence, Can We Please Phase Out The Phrase 'girl Crush?' While We're At It, If We Can Axe 'like, Total Girl Crush' Unless Total Girl Crush Is The Name Of A Fizzy Soft Drink, In Which Case I'll Take Two, Thank You.

I Was The Youngest Of My Entire Family So You Are Tap-dancing To Try To Get The Attention Of Your Older Cousins. I Really Hit My Social Stride In 6th Grade, But Before That I Was A Pretty Big Dork. You Learn How To Be Amusing And How To Work For It.

I Thought We Had Reached An Understanding, The Institution Of Marriage And I. Weddings Are Like The Triathalon Of Female Friendship: The Shower, The Bachelorette Party, And The Main Event. It's The Iron Woman And Most People Never Make It Through. They Fall Of Their Bikes And Choke On Ocean Water.

Personal Technology Has Given Us The Freedom Of Being Able To Do Whatever We Want - And In The Case Of Celebrities And Athletes, Whomever They Want. But It Can Also Serve As A Humiliation Jetpack.

I Now Know My Right From My Left And My Up From My Down. Unluckily, My Terrible Sense Of Direction Remains. For Me, To Live In New York City Is To Never Be Able To Meet Someone On The Northeast Corner. It Is To Never Ever Make A Smooth Entrance, Always To Get Caught Looking Lost On The Street.

Suburbia Is Too Close To The Country To Have Anything Real To Do And Too Close To The City To Admit You Have Nothing Real To Do.

There's Already A Marriage Clock, A Career Clock, A Biological Clock. Sometimes Being A Woman Feels Like Standing In The Lobby Of A Hotel, Looking At The Dials Depicting Every Time Zone In The World Behind The Front Desk - Except They All Apply To You, And All At Once.

I Think Humor Is The Social Use. You Can Put Anything In It. I Think - Yes, I Speak Heavily In Analogies - It Is Like Putting The Medicine In Apple Sauce Or A Block Of Cheese For A Dog. Not That Anyone In This Room Is A Dog In This Scenario.

Yes. I Am Writing Full-time. Which Is Strange. It Feels Like Not Having A Job.

I Have A Disproportionate Amount Of Faith In The Goodness Of The World And That Everything Will Actually Work Out Okay.

The Darkness At Irving. Hope To Have As Much Fun Doing Anything Ever As These Guys Have On Stage.

Kids Across The Country Have Grown Up Accepting The Idea That No One Can Harm Your Family If At Least One Of Its Adult Members Is In The Shower. No One Knows Why.

Cats And Their Owners Are On A Private, Exclusive Loop Of Affection. Thus Cats Have Become Symbolic Of A Community Eschewed And A Hyper-engagement With Oneself. They Represent The Profound Danger Of Growing So Independent In New York That It's Not Merely That You Don't Need Anyone - It's That You Don't Know How To Need Anyone.

I Think The Goal With Any Writing, But Especially Narrative Nonfiction, Is To Put The Blockade Of Putting Your Thoughts In This Unnatural Medium Of Print And Then Trying To Reach Through That And Actually Convey What's Going On, What You Think, And Make People Laugh And Recognize Themselves While Doing It. Definitely The Laughing Thing.

I Find That Anything Culturally Significant That Happened Before '93 I Associate With The Decade Before It. In Fact, Oregon Trail Is One Of A Handful Of Signposts That Middle School Existed At All.

I Got Out On The Street And Started Crying The Kind Of Hysterical Tears Made Justifiable Only By Turning Off One’s Cell Phone, Putting It To The Ear, And Pretending To Be Told Of A Death In The Family.

In New York And La, There Is Sort Of That Silent Competition To Be On The Cutting Edge Of Something.

I Am Starting To Like La, But The Concept Of A Place You Have To Get Used To So Much Seems A Little Weird To Me. I Have Been To Many Foreign Cities Where I Didn't Have Do Acclimatize As Much As I Did To La

There's Just No Concept Of Layering A Thick-sleeved Sweater Under A Coat In L.a. A Coat Is More Of A Gesture Than A Necessity. You Know, In Case The Temperature Goes Down To 55 Degrees.

A Pet Store Is A Celebration Of Dogs' Existence And An Explosion Of Options. About Cats, A Pet Store Seems To Say, 'here, We Couldn't Think Of Anything Else.' Cats Are The Hanukkah Of The Animal World In This Way. They Are Feted Quietly And Happily By A Minority, But There's Only So Much Hoopla Applicable To Them.

Normally, I Am A Vocal Advocate For 'looking Both Ways' And 'knowing The Size Of One's Own Body.' But Working, Socialising And Simply Running Errands In Manhattan, Means I Am Bound To Break My Own Rules On Occasion.

I Was Taught That Candles Are Like House Cats - Domesticated Versions Of Something Wild And Dangerous. There's No Way To Know How Much Of That Killer Instinct Lurks In The Darkness. I Used To Think The House-burning Paranoia Was The Result Of Some Upper-middle-class Fear Regarding The Potential Destruction Of A Half-million-dollar Westchester House The Size Of A Matchbox. But Then I Realized The Fear Stemmed From Something Far Less Complex: We're Not Used To Fire. Candles Are A Staple Of The Judaic Existence And, Like Many Suburban Residents Before Us, We're Pretty Bad Jews.

My Personality, When Tasked With Creating Meals, Goes Something Like This: Is There A Way We Can Make This More Difficult? Because Let's Do That. I Don't Mean To Complicate Things. It's Just - Why Buy Pre-packaged Potato Salad When You Can Spend Your Morning Boiling Potatoes And Flipping Out Because There's No Dill In The House?

You Feel Like Telling Him You're Not Single In The Way That He Thinks You're Single. After All, You Have Yourself. I Think A Lot Of Humor Is About Distracting Yourself. Pretend You're Not Trying To Make It Funny. Because For Some Reason The Effort To Be Funny Smells Like Sulphur In Our Culture.

It's Never Good To Fall In Love With Someone Whom You'd Have To Stab In The Eyeballs To Elicit A Response.

Falling In Love

If I Go Into A Sandwich Shop Or Anywhere That Features 'today's Specials' On A Chalkboard More Than 10 Feet Away, I Have To Ask For A Printed Menu. I Smile At People I Don't Know On The Street And Ignore Those I Do. When At Home, I Often Find Myself Grabbing My 'back-up' Glasses To Search For The Better-loved Pair I Have Left On Top Of My Dresser.

Sometimes In New York, You're Walking Down The Street And You Realize There's A Girl Walking In Front Of You Whose Thighs You Could Hit A Golf Ball Through, And Maybe That Makes You Depressed.

Our Culture's Obsession With Vintage Objects Has Rendered Us Unable To Separate History From Nostalgia. People Want Heart. They Want A Chaser Of Emotion With Their Aesthetics.

I Have Nothing Against Canada. I Think That Canadians Might Know The Secret To All Existence, But To Us It Just Comes Off As Timid And Kind And Too Nice, And It Strikes Us As Lacking Edge. Unless You Are Hijacking Someone And Going On A Reality Show With Your Eight Kids And Wearing A Velour Pink Pantsuit, Then You Have No Edge To Us.

Uniqueness Is Wasted On Youth. Like Fine Wine Or A Solid Flossing Habit, You'll Be Grateful For It When You're Older.

Our Brains Are Like Bonsai Trees, Growing Around Our Private Versions Of Reality.

You Just Don't Notice The Time Of Your Own Metamorphosis. Until You Do. Every Once In A While Time Dissolves And You Remember What You Liked As A Kid. You Jump On Your Hotel Bed, Order Dessert First, Decide To Put Every Piece Of Jewelry You Own On Your Body And Leave The House. Why? Because You Can. Because You're The Boss. Because... Ooooh. Shiny.

Unless You Are A Professional, You Will Find The Tart To Be A High-maintenance, Unforgiving Whistle-blower Of A Pastry.

I Can't See The Forest Through The Trees, Except The Trees Are People.

If You Have To Ask Someone To Change, To Tell You They Love You, To Bring Wine To Dinner, To Call You When They Land, You Can't Afford To Be With Them.

The Nursery Rhyme Ends When A Spider Comes Along And Frightens Miss Muffet Straight Off Her Tuffet. I Have Wondered About What Kind Of Lesson This Is For A Young Girl. If You're Eating Your Curds And Whey And A Spider Comes Along, I Don't Think There's Anything Wrong With Picking Up A Newspaper, Smashing It, And Going Back To Your Breakfast.

There Is One Thing You Know For Sure, One Fact That Never Fails To Comfort You: The Worst Day Of Your Life Wasn't In There, In That Mess. And It Will Do You Good To Remember The Best Day Of Your Life Wasn't In There, Either. But Another Person Brought You Closer To Those Borders Than You Had Been, And Maybe That's Not Such A Bad Thing.

I Called My Mother Immediately To Inform Her That She Was A Bad Parent. "i Can't Believe You Let Us Watch This. We Ate Dinner In Front Of This." "everyone Watched Twin Peaks," Was Her Response. "so, If Everyone Jumped Off The Brooklyn Bridge, Would You Do It, Too?" "don't Be Silly," She Laughed, "of Course I Would, Honey. There'd Be No One Left On The Planet. It Would Be A Very Lonely Place.

There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World: Those Who Know Where Their High School Yearbook Is And Those Who Do Not.

Since Graduation, I Have Measured Time In 4-by-5-inch Pieces Of Paper, Four Days On The Left And Three On The Right. Every Social Engagement, Interview, Reading, Flight, Doctor's Appointment, Birthday And Dry-cleaning Reminder Has Been Handwritten Between Metal Loops.

Insomniacs Tend To Fall Into Two General Categories - Those Who Give Up And Those Who Don't. I Don't. I Refuse To Admit Defeat By Turning On The Light. I Will Not Try To Read Or Watch A Movie, Thank You. Productivity Is A Crutch Of The Weak.

You Can't Possibly Fathom The Ins And Outs Of A Prepubescent Beauty Treatment Until You've Felt The Strange But Exhilarating Tingle Of A Cottage-cheese-and-pop-rocks Facial.

I Would Gladly Have Accepted A Heaping Spoonful Of Nepotism When I Got Out Of College And Was Looking For A Job.

I Was Pretty Dorky, But There Are Tiers Of Dorkdom And I Always Had Friends, Though They Were Equally Dorky. I Was One Of Those Kids Who Contracted Cooties In The Second Grade And Then Had Cooties, Because There Wasn't A Vaccine For It. When I Was Around People, Though, I Generally Wanted To Make Them Laugh. I Told A Lot Of Stories.

I Do Think New York Prepares You For The Crossection Of Personalities And Realities On Display When You Leave The Country, And I'd Live Somewhere Else If I Had A Reason Or Burning-the-the-point-of-discomfort Desire To Do So.

I Prefer To Record All Traumas And Save Them For Later, Playing Them Over And Over So They Can Haunt Me For A Disproportionate Number Of Weeks To Come. It's Very Healthy.

For Me, Titles Are Either A Natural Two-second Experience Or Stressful Enough To Give You An Ulcer. If They Don't Pop Out Perfect On The First Try, They Can Be Really Hard To Repair. Or, Worse, If The Author Thinks They Pop Out Perfect, But The Publishing House Does Not Agree, It's Difficult To Shift Gears. And Then? Then You Go Insane.

Publishing House

I Do Want To Get Married. It's A Nice Idea. Though I Think Husbands Are Like Tattoos--you Should Wait Until You Come Across Something You Want On Your Body For The Rest Of Your Life Instead Of Just Wandering Into A Tattoo Parlor On Some Idle Sunday And Saying, 'i Feel Like I Should Have One Of These Suckers By Now. I'll Take A Thorny Rose And A "mom" Anchor, Please. No, Not That One--the Big One.

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