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I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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I Tell Ya, I

Rodney Dangerfield

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I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

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With My Old Man I Got No Respect. When He Took Me Hunting He Gave Me A Three Minute Head Start. Then On The Way Home He Tied Me To The Fender And Put The Deer In The Car.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

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Comedy Is A Camouflage For Depression.

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Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

I Bought A New Book, '100 New Ways To Make Love'. I Ended Up In Traction - It Was A Misprint.

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People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

I Once Dated A Girl That Was Wild. She Was So Wild That One Night She Gave Her Phone Number To The Mechanical Bull.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

When My Old Man Wanted Sex, My Mother Would Show Him A Picture Of Me.

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

After I Got Divorced, I Said To Myself, I Will Never, Ever Get Married Again. It Was In Cement. I Went Through A Really Rough Twenty-five Years, But It Happened Again. I Fell In Love. I Told Her, Baby, I Don't Want A Prenuptial Agreement. This Is It. Everyone Told Me I Was Nuts. Well, My New Wife And I Are Married Six Years And We Get Along Great. You Can Make Anything Work If You're Both Givers.

My Mom Took Me To A Dog Show And I Won!!

I Was Making Love To This Girl And She Started Crying. I Said, "are You Going To Hate Yourself In The Morning?" She Said, "no, I Hate Myself Now."

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

I Was An Ugly Child. I Got Lost On The Beach. I Asked A Cop If He Could Find My Parents. He Said, 'i Don't Know. There's Lots Of Places For Them To Hide'.

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.

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I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

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I Asked My Wife, 'is There Somebody Else?' She Said, 'there Must Be.'

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Oh, I Was An Ugly Kid. My Old Man Took Me To The Zoo. They Thanked Him For Returning Me.

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Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!

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Once I Opened Up A Fortune Cookie And Inside Was The Guy's Cheque Next To Me I Said Hey Buddy I Got Your Cheque He Said Thanks.

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Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

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Lonely At The Top

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My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark. Then She Saw Me Naked, And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

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Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

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My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

At Christmas Time I Sat On Santa's Lap. His Fly Was Open ! Boy What A Present He Gave Me !

In High School, When I Played Football I Got No Respect. I Shared A Locker With A Mop.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Uncle Heard That Most Deaths Occurs Within Ten Miles Of The House...so He Moved.

I'm A Bad Lover. Once I Caught A Peeping Tom Booing Me.

Once I Pulled A Job, I Was So Stupid. I Picked A Guy's Pocket On An Airplane And Made A Run For It.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

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I'm Taking Viagra And Drinking Prune Juice. I Don't Know If I'm Coming Or Going.

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I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

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When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

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Say No To Drugs

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

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My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

I Feel Sorry For Short People, You Know. When It Rains, They're The Last To Know.

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

I'll Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect... The Other Day, I Got Back From A Business Trip. I Got In A Cab And Said To The Driver, "hey! Take Me To Where The Action Is!" So Ya Know Where He Took Me? He Took Me To My House!

When I Was Born I Brought No Joy, My Father Said He Wanted A Boy!

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

I Tell Ya, With My Wife, I Got No Sex Life. Her Favorite Position Is Facing Bloomingdale's.

My Daughters Been Picked Up So Many Times She's Starting To Grow Handles

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. I Put My Hand In Some Cement And Felt Another Hand.

I Don't Know Kid, There Are So Many Places They Could Hide.

I Once Met A Beautiful, Proper English Girl. I Bid Her Adieu.... She Bid Me A Don't.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

I Bought A New Japanese Car, I Turned On The Radio ... I Don't Understand A Word They're Saying.

His Breath Is So Bad Why Every Time He Smokes He Blows Onion Rings.

My Childhood Was Bad. No Father. Mother Was Greedy And Brought Me Up Awful - Never Made Me Breakfast Once. I Don't Want To Get Started. One Story Is Worse Than Another.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

One Year They Asked Me To Be Poster Boy - For Birth Control.

Time And Tide And Hookers Wait For No Man.

One Time My Whole Family Played Hide And Seek. They Found My Mother In Pittsburgh!

What A Dog I Got. Last Night He Went On The Paper Four Times - Three While I Was Reading It.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. The Time I Was Kidnapped, And The Kidnappers Sent My Parents A Note They Said, "we Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again."

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Told My Mother, I'm Gonna Run Away From Home. She Said, On Your Mark.

It's Great To Have Gray Hair. Ask Anyone Who's Bald.

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

Sure I Smoked Pot In Hospital. My Wife Won't Let Me Toke At Home.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Father Worked In A Bank. They Caught Him Stealing Pens.

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

Boy Is My Wife Stupid. It Takes Her And Hour And A Half To Watch 60 Minutes. My Daughters No Bargain Either. In Public School She Was Voted Most Likely To Conceive.

My Son's An Idiot. His Teacher Asked Him To Spell Mississippi. He Asked Which One? The River Or The State?

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Why, Every Time I Shut The Window I Hurt Somebody's Fingers.

My Cousin Is Gay, In School While Other Kids Were Dissecting Frog, He Was Opening Flies.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

You Don't Know Who To Believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He Said All Men Were Created Equal. He Never Went To A Nude Beach.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

My Wife Is Always Trying To Get Rid Of Me. The Other Day She Told Me To Put The Garbage Out. I Said To Her I Already Did. She Told Me To Go And Keep An Eye On It.

For Christmas One Year I Bought My Son A Bb Gun. He Bought Me A T-shirt With A Bulls Eye On The Back.

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

I Don't Get No Respect. I Called Suicide Prevention. They Tried To Talk Me Into It.

Last Time I Tried To Make Love To My Wife Nothing Happened, So I Said To Her, 'what's The Matter, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?'

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

When My Parents Got Divorced, There Was A Custody Fight Over Me. ... And No One Showed Up.

When I Go To A Nude Beach, I Always Take A Ruler, Just In Case I Have To Prove Something.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

I'm Not A Hypochondriac, But My Gynaecologist Firmly Believes I Am.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly That She Was Known As A Two-bagger. That's When You Put A Bag Over Your Head In Case The Bag Over Her Head Breaks.

Man, Who Don't Like Spaghetti?

My Wifes Cooking Is So Bad The Flys Fix Our Screens

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

When I Was Born ... The Doctor Came Out To The Waiting Room And Said To My Father ... I'm Very Sorry. We Did Everything We Could ... But He Pulled Through.

It Was The Same Thing In The Army, No Respect. They Gave Me A Uniform That Glowed In The Dark.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

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