Background Image

...

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

-Rodney Dangerfield

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

My Boy Is A

Rodney Dangerfield

...

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

Views: 7

Topic

More From Rodney Dangerfield

The Other Night A Mugger Took Off His Mask And Made Me Wear It.

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

One Time I Went To A Hotel. I Asked The Bellhop To Handle My Bag. He Felt Up My Wife!

I'm At The Age Where Food Has Taken The Place Of Sex In My Life. In Fact, I've Just Had A Mirror Put Over My Kitchen Table.

What A Dog I Got. Last Night He Went On The Paper Four Times - Three While I Was Reading It.

I Get No Respect. The Way My Luck Is Running, If I Was A Politician I Would Be Honest.

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

With Sex My Wife Thinks Twice Before She Turns Me Down. Yeah, Once In The Morning And Once At Night.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Why, Every Time I Shut The Window I Hurt Somebody's Fingers.

They Took A Survey: Why Do Men Get Up In The Middle Of The Night? Ten Percent Get Up To Go To The Bathroom And 90 Percent Get Up To Go Home.

My Wife And I Keep Fighting About Sex And Money. I Think She Charges Me Too Much.

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. In My House, We Pray After We Eat.

My Wifes Cooking Is So Bad The Flys Fix Our Screens

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

It's Nice To Be The Best, But Not When Being The Best Brings Out The Worst In You.

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.

I Live In A Bad Neighborhood. Why, I Saw Two Complete Strangers Share A Taxi - Yeah, One Guy Took The Radio And The Other Guy Took The Tires.

I Told My Doctor I Wonna Stop Aging, He Gave Me A Gun!

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Played Hide-and-seek. They Wouldn't Even Look For Me.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

My Wife Is Such A Bad Cook, If We Leave Dental Floss In The Kitchen The Roaches Hang Themselves.

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I've Got The Only Dog Who Begs For Alka-seltzer.

I'm Taking Viagra And Drinking Prune Juice. I Don't Know If I'm Coming Or Going.

I Was Making Love To This Girl And She Started Crying. I Said, "are You Going To Hate Yourself In The Morning?" She Said, "no, I Hate Myself Now."

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. When He Took Me Hunting He Gave Me A Three Minute Head Start. Then On The Way Home He Tied Me To The Fender And Put The Deer In The Car.

I Am The World's Oldest Teenager. I've Never Lost My Youthful Attitude.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly That She Was Known As A Two-bagger. That's When You Put A Bag Over Your Head In Case The Bag Over Her Head Breaks.

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

I Get No Respect... I Tell You, When I Was Born, The Doctor Smacked My Mother

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

A Hooker Once Told Me She Had A Headache.

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

At Twenty A Man Is Full Of Fight And Hope. He Wants To Reform The World. When He Is Seventy He Still Wants To Reform The World, But He Know He Can't.

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

My Wife And I Have Olympic Sex. Once Every Four Years.

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

In High School, When I Played Football I Got No Respect. I Shared A Locker With A Mop.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

When You Walk Up Five Flights Of Stairs At Four In The Morning, There's Definitely A Hooker Involved.

I Went To Look For A Used Car And Found My Wife's Dress In The Back Seat.

I Joined Gamblers Anon., They Gave Me 2 To 1 I Wouldn't Make It! I Joined Aa, There Was A Two Drink Minimum!

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

I'm Not A Sexy Guy. I Went To A Hooker. I Dropped My Pants. She Dropped Her Price.

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

I Stuck My Head Out The Window And Got Arrested For Mooning.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

I'm A Bisexual; I Get It Maybe Twice A Year.

I Tell Ya, My Wife Was Never Nice. On Our First Date, I Asked Her If I Could Give Her A Goodnight Kiss On The Cheek - She Bent Over!

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

Once When I Was Lost I Asked A Policeman To Help Me Find My Parents. I Said To Him, 'do You Think We'll Ever Find Them?' He Answered, 'i Don't Know, Kid. There Are So Many Places They Can Hide.

I Used To Date A Girl From Buffalo. Why Can't I Meet A Girl With Normal Parents?

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

With My Wife I Get No Respect. I Fell Asleep With A Cigarette In My Hand. She Lit It.

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

Last Halloween A Kid Tried To Rip My Face Off. He Thought It Was A Mask. Now It's Different When I Open The Door The Kids Hand Me Candy.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

Cars And Women Are A Lot Alike. They Lie About The Milage.

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

I'll Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect... The Other Day, I Got Back From A Business Trip. I Got In A Cab And Said To The Driver, "hey! Take Me To Where The Action Is!" So Ya Know Where He Took Me? He Took Me To My House!

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

We Learned Sexual Technique From Our Dog. He Taught How To Beg, And He Taught My Wife How To Roll Over And Play Dead.

With Me, Nothing Goes Right. My Psychiatrist Said My Wife And I Should Have Sex Every Night. Now, We'll Never See Each Other!

When I Was Born ... The Doctor Came Out To The Waiting Room And Said To My Father ... I'm Very Sorry. We Did Everything We Could ... But He Pulled Through.

What A Childhood I Had, Why, When I Took My First Step, My Old Man Tripped Me!

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

My Son's An Idiot. His Teacher Asked Him To Spell Mississippi. He Asked Which One? The River Or The State?

You Take Care And I Hope I'll Run Into You - When I'm Driving.

You Know You're Old When Your Family Talk About You In Front Of You. What Are We Going To Do With Pop? We Have Company Tonight.

My Mother Never Breast Fed Me, She Told Me She Only Liked Me As A Friend.

I Was So Poor Growing Up...if I Wasn't A Boy...i'd Have Nothing To Play With.

She Failed Her Drivers Test. She Couldn't Get Used To The Front Seat. It Took Her Four Lessons To Learn To Sit Up.

I Once Asked A Policeman How Far It Was To The Subway. He Said, "i Don't Know, No One Has Ever Made It".

When My Old Man Wanted Sex, My Mother Would Show Him A Picture Of Me.

To Give You An Idea How Well I Was Doing At The Time I Quit, I Was The Only One Who Knew I Quit.

What A Doctor I've Got - He's Really Mixed Up. Last Week, He Grabbed My Knee And Told Me To Cough. Then Hit Me In The Balls With A Hammer.

My Wife She's Fat. Why, If She Lost A Few Pounds, She'd Be Perfectly Round.

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark. Then She Saw Me Naked, And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

My Cousins Gay, He Went To London Only To Find Out That Big Ben Was A Clock.

I Think My Wife Is Cheating On Me, The Only Thing The Parrot Knows How To Say Is, Quick Out The Window.

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

I Tell Ya, Gambling Never Agreed With Me. Last Week I Went To The Track And They Shot My Horse With The Opening Gun.

She Was So Fat That Her Bikini Is Made Out Of Two Bed Sheets (king-size).

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

You Can Name Your Own Salary In This Business. I Call Mine Fred.

My Wife Has Teeth Like The Stars... They Come Out At Night.

My Daughters Been Picked Up So Many Times She's Starting To Grow Handles

When We Got Married, The First Thing My Wife Did Was Put Everything Under Both Names - Hers And Her Mother's.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

I Don't Care How Rich And Successful A Man Is. He's Nothing Without An Education.

The Shape I'm In, I Could Donate My Body To Science Fiction.

Oh, I Was An Ugly Kid. My Old Man Took Me To The Zoo. They Thanked Him For Returning Me.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

I Figured Out I'm Bisexual. I Have Sex Twice A Year.

If I Could Have Dinner With Anyone Who Lived In History, It Would Depend On The Restaurant.

A Man In The Crowd Asks: Hey Rodney, How'd You Get Started? Rodney: I Was 12 Years Old, Alone In My Room, And I Got Started!

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

She Was So Fat That Her Belly Button Makes An Echo.

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, She Had A Face Like A Saint-a Saint Bernard!

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

I Took My Son To Coney Island, I Said "wanna Go In The Crazy House?", He Said "save Your Money We'll Be Home Soon"!

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

I Went To A Freak Show And They Let Me In For Nothing.

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

I Tell Ya When I Fly, I Don't Get No Respect. I Took One Of Those Cheap Flights, No Frills. I Finished Eatin' And Had To Do The Dishes.

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

Getting Older Is Tough. I Remember The Last Time I Felt An Erection. It Was At The Movies. The Only Trouble Is, It Belonged To The Guy Sitting Next To Me.

What A Childhood I Had - I Was Ten Years Old When I Found Out Alpo Was Dog Food.

My Wife Only Has Sex With Me For A Purpose. Last Night It Was To Time An Egg.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

I Got My First Break And Became A Singing Waiter At Eighteen Or Nineteen. I Couldn't Make A Living At It. I Quit. Then I Got Married And Sold Aluminum Siding. My Wife Had Problems Physically. It Was Not Good.

My Wife Had Her Drivers’ Test The Other Day. She Got 8 Out Of 10. The Other 2 Guys Jumped Clear.

I Was An Ugly Kid; When I Was Born, After The Doctor Cut The Cord, He Hung Himself.

I Can't Get No Respect.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. My Mother Breast Fed Me Through A Straw.

I Tell Ya I Got A Stupid Son. That's One Load That Shoulda Been Shot On The Wall.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

Everyone Gets Their Rough Day. No One Gets A Free Ride. Today So Far, I Had A Good Day. I Got A Dial Tone.

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

My Wife Says 90% Of Sex Occurs Between The Ears. But I Need A Girl Who Can Blow More Just My Mind.

I Told My Doctor I Think My Wife Has Vd. He Gave Himself A Shot Of Penicillin.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.

We Were Poor. We Were So Poor, In My Neighborhood The Rainbow Was In Black-and-white.

Black And White

I Told My Wife A Man Is Like Wine, He Gets Better With Age. She Locked Me In The Cellar.

Funny Relationship

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Told My Mother, I'm Gonna Run Away From Home. She Said, On Your Mark.

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

For Christmas One Year I Bought My Son A Bb Gun. He Bought Me A T-shirt With A Bulls Eye On The Back.

The Sign On The Bar Said: 'girls- Topless, Bottomless', I Went Inside And There Was Nobody There!

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

I Drink Too Much, Way Too Much; My Doctor Drew Blood He Ran A Tab!

With My Doctor, I Don't Get No Respect. I Told Him I Want A Vasectomy. He Said With A Face Like Mine, I Don't Need One.

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

My Doctor Told Me To Watch My Drinking. Now I Drink In Front Of A Mirror.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

It's Great To Have Gray Hair. Ask Anyone Who's Bald.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

When I Was Born I Brought No Joy, My Father Said He Wanted A Boy!

I Once Went Out With This Wild Girl. She Made French Toast And Got Her Tongue Caught In The Toaster.

I Don't Get No Respect. I Called Suicide Prevention. They Tried To Talk Me Into It.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.

I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me. My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

I Have Tried A Little Kinky Stuff. A Woman Called Me And Said, 'i Have Mirrors All Over My Bedroom. Bring A Bottle.' I Brought Windex.

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Bought A New Book, '100 New Ways To Make Love'. I Ended Up In Traction - It Was A Misprint.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. On My Street, The Kids Take Hubcaps - From Moving Cars.

Never Tell Your Wife She's Bad In Bed. She'll Go Out And Get A Second Opinion.

Life Is Full Of Temporary Situations, Ultimately Ending In A Permanent Solution.

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

I Told My Doctor, "i've Swallowed A Bottle Of Sleeping Pills" And He Told Me To Have A Few Drinks And Get Some Rest.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

My Parents Didn't Like Me. For Bathtub Toys They Gave Me A Blender And A Transistor Radio.

When I Was Born The Doctor Took One Look At My Face, Turned Me Over And Said, "look, Twins!"

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

I Once Met A Beautiful, Proper English Girl. I Bid Her Adieu.... She Bid Me A Don't.

They Say Love Thy Neighbor As Thy Self , What Am I Supposed To Do Jerk Him Off Too?

...went To A Bar For A Few Drinks. The Bartender Asked What I Wanted. "surprise Me", I Said. So He Showed Me A Naked Picture Of My Wife.

I Told My Psychiatrist That Everyone Hates Me. He Said I Was Being Ridiculous - Everyone Hasn't Met Me Yet.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

When I Was Kidnapped As A Child My Parents Sent A Letter To The Hijackers Me Pay 5,000 Dollars Or Your Back

Trending Author

Charles Kendall Adams

Category