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I May Go Back And Spice It Up With A Little Bit Of The Tool Stuff And Grunting And All That That I Know So Well. But It Feels Like I'm Rehashing Old Material. And Some Of My Audiences Like That. So I'm There To Entertain. I'm Not There To Make A Political Statement Or Anything Like That. I'm There To Entertain.

-Tim Allen

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I May Go Back

Tim Allen

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I May Go Back And Spice It Up With A Little Bit Of The Tool Stuff And Grunting And All That That I Know So Well. But It Feels Like I'm Rehashing Old Material. And Some Of My Audiences Like That. So I'm There To Entertain. I'm Not There To Make A Political Statement Or Anything Like That. I'm There To Entertain.

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Now The Denominator ... Why Don't They Just Call It The Bottom Number? The Denominator ... That Sounds Like A Schwarzenegger Movie Doesn't It? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I Am The Denominator. I'll Give Your Leg A Compound Fraction!

I Blend Memories. I Blend Them Into One That's Funny. I Exaggerate To Clarify.

I Like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, Screw The Middle Man. Just A Tube Of Sugar... I'd Pour Two Of Those In A Big 12 Ounce Coke. And I'd Go Out To Catechism Class And Try To Concentrate On The Priest. I Saw Jesus Several Times. I Swear I Did.

I've Gotten So Far Past The Android And Iphones That I'm Back To A Flip-phone. It's Funny, You Can Buy Antique Flip-phones Online. A Lot Of Us Collect Them. Clearly, They're Considered Antiques.

Kids Learn By Example. If I Respect Mom, They're Going To Respect Mom.

As The Chinese Will Tell You, History Depends On Your Point Of View.

If It Ain't Broke, You Can Probably Still Fix It.

I Love Women. I Actually Prefer Girls, As A Parent, Because They Disappoint At A Different Age. They Go Through That, "dad's An Idiot," Which Lasted A Little Longer Than I'd Like.

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There Are Flaws In The Way Politics Is Reported In This Country Today And We Should Do Something About It, .. Radio And Television Coverage Of Politics Doesn't See Its Role As A Mission To Explain, But To Destroy, In A Pernicious Culture In Which Journalists Pit Themselves Against Politicians.

When I Went To Jail, Reality Hit So Hard That It Took My Breath Away, Took My Stance Away, Took My Strength Away. I Was There Buck Naked, Humiliated, Sitting In My Own Crap And Urine - This Is A Metaphor. My Ego Had Run Off. Your Ego Is The Biggest Coward.

While Awaiting Sentencing, I Decided To Give Stand-up Comedy A Shot. The Judge Had Suggested I Get My Act Together, And I Took Him Seriously.

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Speeding Is Like Drugs. It Makes Everything Come At You Fast, And When You Go Back To Normal Driving, Safe Driving, Prudent Driving, It Seems Boring. That's The Danger Of Drugs. At First It's Intoxicating, But Then The Rest Of Your Life You're Trying To Find That Very First Time. It Never Is The Same.

Why Go To A Church To Worship God? A Church Is Man Made. God Never Said, "and Let There Be Aluminum Siding." Climbing A Tree To Talk To God Sounds Like A Better Idea Since Only God Can Make A Tree. And If That Tree's On A Golf Course, All The Better.

I Look At It This Way: How Much Of The Day Are You Awake? You Think, "i've Gotta Get That Dry Cleaning, I Gotta Get This Going, And This, And This, And This." And All Of A Sudden It's Dinnertime. And Then There's A Moment Of Connection With Your Spouse Or Your Friends. Then You Read And Go To Bed. Wake Up And Then It's The Same All Over. You're Not Awake, You're Not Living, You're Not Experiencing. We Start Early Medicating Ourselves. We Start Kids Early, On Tv And Video Games And So On.

I Am A Thespian Trapped In A Man's Body.

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I Don't Understand Why It Has To Be Either - Or - Either Socialism Or Democracy. Why Can't We Combine Things To Get The Best Of Each System?

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Irrational Fear

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