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Can We Take A Direct Flight Back To Reality Or Do We Have To Change Planes In Denver?

-Tim Allen

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Can We Take A

Tim Allen

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Can We Take A Direct Flight Back To Reality Or Do We Have To Change Planes In Denver?

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Before Kady Was Born, I Didn't Think Having A Kid Would Be Such A Big Deal. My Attitude Was Simple: Babies Are Nice, Play With Them, Put Them In The Closet Until The Next Time.

When Somebody Tells You They're Not Very Smart, They're Saying Exactly The Opposite.

Never Comment On A Woman's Rear End. Never Use The Words 'large' Or 'size' With 'rear End'. Never. Avoid The Area Altogether. Trust Me.

Men Often Do Things For Women That They Don't Want To Do, So That Women Will Do Things For Men That They Don't Want To Do.

A Guy Knows He's In Love When He Loses Interest In His Car For A Couple Of Days.

Boys Can Be Disgusting. You Can't Leave Us Alone For Any Length Of Time Because We Will Burn Something, Blow Something Up Or Paint Something. We're Just Obnoxious.

I Look At It This Way: How Much Of The Day Are You Awake? You Think, "i've Gotta Get That Dry Cleaning, I Gotta Get This Going, And This, And This, And This." And All Of A Sudden It's Dinnertime. And Then There's A Moment Of Connection With Your Spouse Or Your Friends. Then You Read And Go To Bed. Wake Up And Then It's The Same All Over. You're Not Awake, You're Not Living, You're Not Experiencing. We Start Early Medicating Ourselves. We Start Kids Early, On Tv And Video Games And So On.

Playing Golf Is Like Going To A Strip Joint. After 18 Holes You Are Tired And Most Of Your Balls Are Missing.

If You Don't Decide Where You're Going, Life Will Decide For You.

When I Went To Jail, Reality Hit So Hard That It Took My Breath Away, Took My Stance Away, Took My Strength Away. I Was There Buck Naked, Humiliated, Sitting In My Own Crap And Urine - This Is A Metaphor. My Ego Had Run Off. Your Ego Is The Biggest Coward.

I'm A Creative Guy, Artistically With Graphics.

Kids Learn By Example. If I Respect Mom, They're Going To Respect Mom.

My Dad's Death Reminds Me Of Earthquakes - Things That Shake Your Foundation.

If It Doesn't Say Binford On It, Somebody Else Probably Made It.

The Greatest Missile In The World Is Useless ... Unless It's Targeted. A Torpedo Is Adrift Unless It Has Someplace To Go. An Arrow Is Pointless Unless It Hits Something. So It's Important For Kids--for Everyone, Even If You Fail At First--to Target Something And Head In That Direction. With All Your Might.

Men Aren't Men Until They Can Get To Sears By Themselves.

Dogs Will Eat Till They Die. Cats Will Leave Food In The Dish, Incomprehensible To A Dog.

The World Is Your Oyster When You Are Successful. That Was When I Was Getting Scripts. I Was Planning For This. I Like This Business. Parts Of It I Love, And I Didn't Want It To Just End. The Further You Get Away From Your Success, The Less Your Phone Rings. The Next Thing You Know, It's 20 Years Later And You're In A Mall Going, "remember When Al And I Used To Do Something Like This.

I Used To Live An Isolated Existence, Even In Relationships, But Now My Family Knows Me For Who I Really Am. Mostly, That's A Good Thing.

Use A Screwdriver Instead Of A Hammer. Try To Untighten The Nut With Your Hand. Utilize The Path Of Least Resistance First.

I Like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, Screw The Middle Man. Just A Tube Of Sugar... I'd Pour Two Of Those In A Big 12 Ounce Coke. And I'd Go Out To Catechism Class And Try To Concentrate On The Priest. I Saw Jesus Several Times. I Swear I Did.

While Awaiting Sentencing, I Decided To Give Stand-up Comedy A Shot. The Judge Had Suggested I Get My Act Together, And I Took Him Seriously.

I Am A Thespian Trapped In A Man's Body.

I Don't Understand Why It Has To Be Either - Or - Either Socialism Or Democracy. Why Can't We Combine Things To Get The Best Of Each System?

Comedy Is The Ultimate Anarchist.

Women Are Like Cars: We All Want A Ferrari, Sometimes Want A Pickup Truck, And End Up With A Station Wagon.

I'm A Very Bad Student, But A Great Learner.

I Love Women. I Actually Prefer Girls, As A Parent, Because They Disappoint At A Different Age. They Go Through That, "dad's An Idiot," Which Lasted A Little Longer Than I'd Like.

I Have A Thing For Tools.

Women Are Brilliant. Every Woman Knows How To Do The Weirdest Thing Right Out Of The Bucket. Every Woman Knows How To Do That Hindu Head Wrap With The Towel Out Of The Shower. A Typhoon Couldn't Blow That Thing Off Their Heads. Ever Try To Do That? You Look Like A Drunk Iraqi Soldier.

In Marriage, Compromise Nurtures The Relationship.

Dad Needs To Show An Incredible Amount Of Respect And Humor And Friendship Toward His Mate So The Kids Understand Their Parents Are Sexy, They're Fun, They Do Things Together, They're Best Friends. Kids Learn By Example. If I Respect Mom, They're Going To Respect Mom.

In The Last Three Years Of Racing I've Met As Many Women Fans As Men Fans, And In Nascar It's The Same Thing. My Wife Loves Cars, But The Difference Is She Doesn't Have 20 Years Of Understanding The Background Of Them. She Basically Drives Them And Uses Her Gut Feelings As To Which Is Best.

Men Are Pigs. Too Bad We Own Everything.

Real Men Don't Use Instructions, Son. Besides, This Is Just The Manufacturer's Opinion On How To Put This Together.

The World's A Mean Place. It's Unfair, Then It's Fair. It's Hateful, Then It's Loving. It's A Very Peculiar Place On Philosophical And Metaphysical And Religious Levels.

There Are Flaws In The Way Politics Is Reported In This Country Today And We Should Do Something About It, .. Radio And Television Coverage Of Politics Doesn't See Its Role As A Mission To Explain, But To Destroy, In A Pernicious Culture In Which Journalists Pit Themselves Against Politicians.

All Men Like To Think That They Can Do It Alone, But A Real Man Knows That There No Substitute For Support , Encouragement Or A Pit Crew.

I Love Doing Logos. I've Been A Graphic Artist All My Life.

My Mom Said The Only Reason Men Are Alive Is For Lawn Care And Vehicle Maintenance.

Men Aren't Allowed To Have Self-esteem, Because We're Already Supposed To Have All The Power.... But Most Men Earn Less Than They Want, Barely The Minimum Wage. They're Drones. They Do Stuff They Don't Want To Do To Support Their Families, And They're Not Sure Why They Do It. They Don't Know What They're Doing Half The Time, And Any Time We Stick Up For Ourselves, We're Pigs Because We Don't Know How To Articulate Our Frustrations And Joys.

I'm A Pretty Solid Christian. But Even As An Altar Boy, I Was Always Asking The Bigger Questions--you Know: If God Is, In Fact, Good, What Is All This Death I See? And If God Is Gentle, What Is All This Suffering I See? I've Found Some Of The Answers In Eastern Religion. It Explained My Christianity To Me. Good And Evil Are The Same Thing. You Can't Have One Without The Other. It's The Balance, It's The Temperance Of Things.

But Separate A Man From His Car - That's Inhuman.

To Get A Man's Attention, Just Stand In Front Of The Tv And Don't Move. He'll Talk To You. I Promise.

I Have Irrational Fears, And They All Go Back To Losing My Father As A Kid. I've Never Gotten Over It.

Irrational Fear

I Think Women Like Ferraris. A Ferrari Is Everybody's Car.

I'm Sad For Adults Who Want To Be Children. And Children Who Want To Be Adults.

In My Experience, It's All Wonderful With Girls Until About 16. Around That Time, Boys Kind Of Calm Down And Start Focusing Their Testosterone. Girls Get A Little Challenging, Especially For Fathers.

I Have Always Enjoyed Do-it-yourself Projects, .. Being In A Position To Actually Help Design And Bring Tools To Market Is An Incredible Opportunity. Being Able To Fund Charities As A Result Is Phenomenal.

As The Chinese Will Tell You, History Depends On Your Point Of View.

When You're 6 Or 7, Your Father Becomes This Wonderful Presence In Your Life. I Really Responded To My Father. And Then, The Very Moment I Realized That I Loved Him Unconditionally, That Life Was Going To Be Great Just Because He Was In It, He Was Gone.

I Was Gone So Much In My First Marriage. I Love The Moments When I Engage With My Youngest Daughter Now. It's Not My Thing To Sit On The Ground And Play Tea Party, But I'll Do It Because It's A Moment That Will Stick With Me Forever.

There Is No Greater Feeling Than When A Groom Turns To See His Bride And Has Tears In His Eyes Because She Is So Beautiful.

Sometimes You Get The Sense That The Creator Is Getting To That Point Of "yeah, We Might Have To Reboot."

For Years, I Just Did Not Like This Idea Of God, Church.

The People That Hunt Are The Guys That Really Vehemently Protect The Environment. You Find That People That Live On Ranches Tend To Want To Keep It That Way, And I've Always Loved That About The Hunters That I've Known. They Eat What They Kill, And They Carry It Out. They Don't Shoot For Sport.

Jill, We Became Parents So We Could Tell Our Kids What To Do. Otherwise We're Just The Tallest People Living Here.

I Think There's A Percentage [of The Audience] That Don't Realize, That Don't Know That [standup] Is How Everything Began. We Planned It, We Work Hard, Rehearsals To Get This. It's More Of A ... It's Not Just Coming In There In A T-shirt And Holding A Microphone.

Men Are Liars. We'll Lie About Lying If We Have To. I'm An Algebra Liar. I Figure Two Good Lies Make A Positive.

I'm Actually More Of A Cat Guy Than A Dog Person Because I Travel So Much. I Love Cats.

A Car Crossed Two Lanes Of Traffic, Flipped, And Landed On My Dad's Car. I Don't Blame Cars. My Dad Loved Cars. I Don't Have Many Memories Of My Dad. The Love Of Cars Is All I Have Of Him, Really.

Can A Woodchuck Chuck Wood? Because The Question Is, "how Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Chuck If," So You Haven't Established Or Proved Without Any Shadow Of A Doubt That A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood. Frankly, I Believe That They Chew Wood. I Don't Think They Can Chuck Wood At All! I Take Offense To The Whole Chucking Question.

I'm One Of These Guys That Just Spoils The Environment. I Like Atvs And Snowmobiles. I Have A Motorcycle Up There, And I Like Cruising Through The Hills.

I Have Way Too Many Commitments. I Get Pulled In Too Many Directions And I Never Seem To Be Able To Satisfy Anybody. People Get Turned On By Knowing A Celebrity, Even My Friends And Family. They Feel That There's Something Exciting About Me, But In Reality There's No Substance To It. People In Airports Just Hold On To Me Expecting Something And It Seems That I Always Come Up Empty. It's Frustrating Because I'm Trying To Please Everybody, And Ya Just Can't Do That ... At Least I Can't.

I Know It Sounds Odd, But I Want To Make A Rolex-quality Screwdriver.

The Big Advantage To Playing The Venetian In Las Vegas - Where It's A Beautiful Theater - Is That Unlike Other Places, Even Many Other Nice Venues, I Can Do A Set And Lighting Cues, I Can Put On A Real Show. I Can Dress Up, Wear A Tux.

If You Want To Condemn Yourself For The Mistakes You've Made, Let's Be Fair, That Means You've Got To Congratulate Yourself For All The Good Things You've Done. It's Okay To Say, "god, I Wish I'd Done This; Yeah, But I Did Do That." Then It Kind Of Balances Out.

I Had A Very Easy Time Loving An Audience. But When It's One-on-one With Somebody, All I Wanted To Do Was Run Away, Because Maybe They're Going To Want Something From Me I Can't Give, Or They're Going To Hurt Me.

Nothing's As Easy As It Is On A Sitcom. Issues That We Take Care Of In 20 Minutes On The Show Can Stretch Out Over Years In Real Families.

I Grew Up Around Hunters. I Love Guns, Bows, Arrows, Compasses And Binoculars. I Don't Do Any Of That Stuff, I Just Like The Stuff. I Shot One Animal, In My Life, And I Didn't Like It. If I Had To Skin An Animal To Eat It, I'd Probably Eat Vegetables.

Dog's Listen, Or Appear To Listen. I Think They Hear Blah, Blah, Blah, Food, Blah, Blah, Blah. They Appear To Be Listening To You.

Why Go To A Church To Worship God? A Church Is Man Made. God Never Said, "and Let There Be Aluminum Siding." Climbing A Tree To Talk To God Sounds Like A Better Idea Since Only God Can Make A Tree. And If That Tree's On A Golf Course, All The Better.

Anytime You Work With Animals, You Begin To See More Humanity In Them.

The Ego Is Like A Kid In The Basement: It's Best To Keep Him Busy.

Electricity Can Be Dangerous. My Nephew Tried To Stick A Penny Into A Plug. Whoever Said A Penny Doesn't Go Far Didn't See Him Shoot Across That Floor. I Told Him He Was Grounded.

Speeding Is Like Drugs. It Makes Everything Come At You Fast, And When You Go Back To Normal Driving, Safe Driving, Prudent Driving, It Seems Boring. That's The Danger Of Drugs. At First It's Intoxicating, But Then The Rest Of Your Life You're Trying To Find That Very First Time. It Never Is The Same.

Man Is The Only Animal To Borrow Tools.

Jill : What Causes Sibling Rivalry? Tim : Having More Than One Kid!

Now The Denominator ... Why Don't They Just Call It The Bottom Number? The Denominator ... That Sounds Like A Schwarzenegger Movie Doesn't It? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I Am The Denominator. I'll Give Your Leg A Compound Fraction!

I Have An Only Child. She's So Independent And Good With Adults.

I Have To Get A Licence To Drive A Motorcycle To Protect Myself And The People Around Me. I Am Adamant There Should Be Some Sort Of Licensing Required To Have Children.

Women Now Have Choices. They Can Be Married, Not Married, Have A Job, Not Have A Job, Be Married With Children, Unmarried With Children. Men Have The Same Choice We've Always Had: Work, Or Prison.

I've Always Felt, And I Don't Like To Say This Because I Sound Like An Ex-patriot, I Always Feel Quite A Bit More Comfortable Sometimes In Canada. For A Variety Of Reasons. I Just Think It's A Politer Place. Kind Of. You Don't Have Quite The Population To Deal With But You Don't Immediately Get Into Skirmishes With Everybody. If You Had Any Passport, Any Terrorist Would Let The Canadians Off The Plane.

I Blend Memories. I Blend Them Into One That's Funny. I Exaggerate To Clarify.

I've Gotten So Far Past The Android And Iphones That I'm Back To A Flip-phone. It's Funny, You Can Buy Antique Flip-phones Online. A Lot Of Us Collect Them. Clearly, They're Considered Antiques.

I May Go Back And Spice It Up With A Little Bit Of The Tool Stuff And Grunting And All That That I Know So Well. But It Feels Like I'm Rehashing Old Material. And Some Of My Audiences Like That. So I'm There To Entertain. I'm Not There To Make A Political Statement Or Anything Like That. I'm There To Entertain.

My Comedy Is Not Mine. It's A Gift. I'm Not That Smart.

I Do A Lot Of Family Shows.

They Say You Only Go Around Once, But With A Muscle Car You Can Go Around Two Or Three Times.

My Stepfather Stepped In Where No Man Would've Stepped In - Six Kids, Five Of Them Boys - And That's Heroic.

If It Ain't Broke, You Can Probably Still Fix It.

You Don't Know What People Are Really Like Until They're Under A Lot Of Stress.

Be Wary Of Listening To Stories Secondhand.

Can We Take A Direct Flight Back To Reality Or Do We Have To Change Planes In Denver?

I Wonder If To Stare Into The Face Of God Will Drive Me Crazy. (i Wonder Who Would Blink First.)

Being Wealthy When No One Else Is, Is Like Being The Only One At The Party With A Drink.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

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