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I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

-Joan Rivers

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I Have No Sex

Joan Rivers

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I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

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I Was Absorbing A Sorry Truth Of Show Business - Rejection Is The Norm And Acceptance The Oddity. I Was Learning To Cut The Tops Off My Highs And Stay With The Lows Where The Rejections And Letdowns Would Be Shallow.

My Body Is Dropping So Fast, My Gynecologist Wears A Hard Hat.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying.

The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

When You're First-generation Money, You Want To Say, "i Got A Mercedes And A Rolls And A Lamborghini. Take A Look." When You're Second-generation Money, You're Very Quiet Behind Your Country Club Doors. I Think That's Why People Are Much More Aware. It's The First-generation Wives That Have The Huge Rings And The Second-generation Says, "everyone Be Quiet As We Get On Our Yacht Or Our Private Plane."

I've Learned From My Dealings With Johnny Carson That No Matter What Kind Of Friendship You Think You Have With People You're Working With, When The Chips Are Down, It's All About Business.

I Hate Housework! You Make The Beds, You Do The Dishes And Six Months Later You Have To Start All Over Again.

How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

I Know Now That Everybody In The Arts Is Forever A Beginner. Experience Counts For A Great Deal And Very Little. Every Night Onstage I Feel I Am Starting From Scratch, Still Not Quite Sure What I Am Doing And Where I Am Going, Thrown By The Simplest Thing That Goes Wrong.

I Was Born In 1962, And The Room Next To Me Was 1963.

All Babies Look Like Renée Zellweger Pushed Against A Glass Window.

Sold My House In La, Packed Myself Up And Moved To New York, Not Knowing Anybody. Friends Are Very Hard To Make After A Certain Age.

Life Is Very Tough. If You Don't Laugh, It's Tough.

Never Buy A Fur From A Vegetarian.

I Hate Billings, Montana. They Have A Fashion Show At Sears Roebuck

The Nice Thing About Viagra Is That They Are Proving Men Can Go Blind On It, So You Can Gain Weight And Have A Great Sex Life.

But You Do Have To Learn, If You Want To Be A Satirist, You Can't Be Part Of The Party. Meaning, You Can't Go Horseback Riding With Jackie O In Central Park If You're Going To Make A Joke About Her That Night.

I Said To My Husband, 'my Boobs Have Gone, My Stomach's Gone, Say Something Nice About My Legs.' He Said, 'blue Goes With Everything.'

If You're Saying The Same Line 10 Times And Making It Look Like You Just Came Up With It, That's Acting.

I Love Gay And Lesbian Parents. But I Think We Need A Law That Says Lesbians And Gay Men Have To Raise Their Children Together. This Way, The Kids Would Not Only Know How To Build Bookshelves, But They'd Also Instinctively Know How To Decorate Them.

My Grandson Is Mad At Me. He's Mad At Me Because I Squandered His College Fund On Spanx. It's A Lot, But There's A Lot Going On Here.

Victoria Beckham Is So Nasty, Why Doesn't She Just Go Home?! Her Dresses Are Beautiful, But I Don't Care What She Does. She's Mean To All The People Around Her. She's Too Short To Be A Diva. We All Use The Same Hairdressers, Make-up Artists, Limo-drivers And Greeters At The Airports In La And Nobody Has Anything Nice To Say About Her. They Say She's Rude. She Can't Always Just Be Having A Bad Day.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

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If God Wanted Us To Bend Over He'd Put Diamonds On The Floor.

You Know It's Time To Start Using Mouthwash When Your Dentist Leaves The Room And Sends In A Canary.

I Could Be The Greta Garbo Of Comedy, Very Secluded, But Garbo Had A Man Who Was Beyond Rich To Support Her.

My Mother Was A Very Elegant Woman. When A Flying Saucer Landed On The Lawn, She Turned It Over To See If It Was Wedgwood.

I Want To Be Buried In A Valentino Gown And I Want Harry Winston To Make Me A Toe Tag.

A Study Says Owning A Dog Makes You 10 Years Younger. My First Thought Was To Rescue Two More, But I Don't Want To Go Through Menopause Again.

With Age Comes Wisdom. You Don't Need Big Boobs To Be Feminine. Look At Liberace.

Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize For It.

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She's So Fat, She's My Two Best Friends.

Two Best Friends

Before We Make Love, My Husband Takes A Pain Killer.

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Acting Is My True Love. I Would Like To Have Been A Serious Actor, And I Plan To In The Next Life. I'm Gonna Be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Life Is So Tough. I Don't Know How Old You Are, But I've Seen So Much In A Wink. One Phone Call And Your Life Is Changed Forever. We All Know That. You Better Laugh At Everything.

If You're Not A Wreck In This Business, You're Not Around.

My Face Has Been Tucked In More Times Than A Bedsheet At The Holiday Inn.

Don't Follow Any Advice, No Matter How Good, Until You Feel As Deeply In Your Spirit As You Think In Your Mind That The Counsel Is Wise.

I Think It Was Cosby Who Also Said To Me, 'if Only 2 Percent Of The World Thinks You're Funny, You'll Still Fill Stadiums For The Rest Of Your Life.'

Rest Of Your Life

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Funny Relationship

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The Fun Of Working On The Road Means Stealing From Hotels. I've Been Doing It For So Long, I Have A Set Of Towels From The Ark.

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If You Don't Go To Broadway, You're A Fool. On Broadway, Off Broadway, Above Broadway, Below Broadway, Go! Don't Tell Me There Isn't Something Wonderful Playing. If I'm Home In New York At Night, I'm Either At A Broadway Or An Off Broadway Show. We're In The Theater Capital Of The World, And If You Don't Get It, You're An Idiot.

Mick Jagger Could French-kiss A Moose. He Has Child-bearing Lips.

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I Was My Own Buddy In Camp.

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I Am A Dyke! And I'm Damn Proud Of It!

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

My Sex Life Has Gone From Bad To Pathetic. My G Spot Stands For Godforsaken.

Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

If You Can't Make Fun Of Yourself, You Don't Have Any Right To Make Fun Of Others

Nothing Is Yours Permanently So You Better Enjoy It While It's Happening.

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There's Always An Adjective Before My Name, And It's Never A Nice One.

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My Personal Style Is Over-the-top Dowager. The Old Days They Said Get Dressed And Take One Thing Off, I Say Get Dressed And Put One Thing On.

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My Love Life Is Like A Piece Of Swiss Cheese; Most Of It's Missing, And What's There Stinks.

I Caused My Husband's Heart Attack. In The Middle Of Lovemaking I Took The Paper Bag Off My Head. He Dropped The Polaroid And Keeled Over And So Did The Hooker. It Would Have Taken Me Half An Hour To Untie Myself And Call The Paramedics, But Fortunately The Great Dane Could Dial.

My Sex Life Is So Bad, My G-spot Has Been Declared A Historical Landmark.

Life Is A Movie, And You're The Star. Give It A Happy Ending.

I Am Not Lucky. I Am The Type Who Would Go To Lourdes And Drown In The Waters.

I've Always Hate Child Stars, Starting From Way Back When, When I Was A Child. The First Child Star I Saw Was Shirley Temple. She Was Six Years Old, Two Foot Six And The Biggest Star In Hollywood. She Wore Ribbons In Her Hair, And Frilly Little Pinafores And Shiny Patent-leather Tap Shoes - Just Like The Boys In Glee Do.

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Why Should I Cook For My Husband? So He Can Tell A Hooker I Make A Delicious Cake?

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I've Learned: When You Get Older, Who Cares? I Don't Mince Words, I Don't Hold Back. What Are You Gonna Do To Me? Fire Me? It's Been Done. Threaten To Commit Suicide? Done. Take Away My Show? Done! Not Invite To Me To The Vanity Fair Party? I've Never Been Invited! If I Ever Saw The Invitation, I'd Use It As Toilet Paper.

Your Anger Can Be 49 Percent And Your Comedy 51 Percent, And You're Okay. If The Anger Is 51 Percent, The Comedy Is Gone.

Looking 50 Is Great, If You're 60.

I Think We All In Comedi Business, Especially When We Reach A Certain Age, Are Divas Up To A Point. I Love When A Limousine Comes For Me, I Can't Lie About That. I Love When You Go To A Restaurant And They Say, "come This Way, Miss Rivers," And You Get A Good Table. I Love All That, The Perks That Come With The Business.

Grandchildren Can Be Annoying - How Many Times Can You Go: "and The Cow Goes Moo And The Pig Goes Oink"? It's Like Talking To A Supermodel.

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

A Woman Went To A Plastic Surgeon And Asked Him To Make Her Like Bo Derek. He Gave Her A Lobotomy.

My Obstetrician Was So Dumb That When I Gave Birth He Forgot To Cut The Cord. For A Year That Kid Followed Me Everywhere. It Was Like Having A Dog On A Leash.

That Girl Had A Great Way Of Making Friends, And Strangers, And Anyone Else Who Was Around.

There Is Nothing Funny About Aging: It Is Rotten And Depressing. Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise Just Hasn't Been Paying Attention.

Obama Came In And Said He Was Going Turn Everything Around, And You Can't. Give The Guy A Break. But I Question A Lot Of What's Happening. It's Certainly Going To Reflect In My Vote, But Who Else Is There? It's A Horrible Time, Because People Vote Party Lines Instead Of What's Good For The Country. I Think The Whole Health Care Issue Turned So Ugly, Because Of Party Lines, And That's Not What That's Supposed To Be About.

What I Love About Jewelry Is You Can Change It For Something Else Without Surgery.

I Love The Way My Life Has Fallen Into Place.

[on Plastic Surgery:] My Motto Is: 'anything That Can Be Lifted Should Be Lifted. Anything That Falls Should Be Caught. And Try To Catch Any Falling Stuff Before It Hits The Ground.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

Happiness, At My Age, Is Breathing

I Finally Found Out How Priests Get Holy Water. They Boil The Hell Out Of It.

The Thing Is, I'm Happiest When I'm On Stage.

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

Every Time I Get On An Airplane I Figure It's Gonna Get Blown Up. You Live On The Edge.

Forty For You, Sixty For Me. And Equal Partners We Will Be.

A German Sense Of Humor Is An Oxymoron.

All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me On Stage Is Someone Ran Forward To Tell Me They Loved Me And Projectile Vomited All Over The Stage. It Was Horrible.

If You Don't Think You're Funny, No One Else Will.

Marriage Isn't A Contest To See Who Is Most Often Right. Marriage Requires Being What The Japanese Call 'the Wise Bamboo,' Which Means You Bend So You Don't Break. Treat Your Spouse With The Flexibility And Respect You Would Give To A Top Client. Think How We Treat Clients; We Smile, We Are Polite, We Listen To Their Ideas. Never Forget That Your Spouse Is Your Most Important Client.

Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

To The Pessimist The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Is Another Train.

She's So Pure, Moses Couldn't Even Part Her Knees.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.

The Glass Is Always Half Empty. All Good Comedians Are Manic-depressive.

I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

I Have No Sex Appeal, Which Kills Me. The Only Way I Can Ever Hear Heavy Breathing From My Husband's Side Of The Bed Is When He's Having An Asthma Attack.

If You Hate Something, You Hate It, And If You Like Something Or Somebody, You Like It, But Tell The Truth. And Most Celebrities Have That Thin Veneer That They Will Not Break For You.

Telling The Truth

It's So Long Since I've Had Sex I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Who.

Elizabeth Taylor Has More Chins Than The Chinese Telephone Directory.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

Our Natures Are A Lot Like Oil, Mix Us With Anything Else, And We Strive To Swim On Top.

You’re Going To Get What I Think Is The Truth, And It’s Going To Be Raw.

Now, I'm Not Against Sex Before Marriage, But Two Minutes Before? When The Organist Played "here Comes The Bride".

Every Television Show You Go On Is A Choice.

Welcome To My World! I've Been Through It All, And I Often Pinch Myself To Believe My Luck. I Design Jewlery, Create Cosmetics, Perform Comedy, Act, Lecture, Write Books, Travel, Have A Fabulous Daughter, And A Phenomenal Grandson-and I Feel I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

I Have To Tell You That It's Not Going To Be Easy. Take Every Chance And Every Opportunity That You Can. Don't Say 'i Can't' Or 'i Shouldn't' Or 'i'm Too Tired.'

I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Is Thinking.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

My Body Is A Temple, And My Temple Needs Redecorating.

I Got A Waterbed, But My Husband Stocked It With Trout.

I'm No Cook. When I Want Lemon On Chicken, I Spray It With Pledge.

Women Should Look Good. Work On Yourselves. Education? I Spit On Education. No Man Is Ever Going To Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

In Life The Only Thing That You Can Expect Is The Unexpected; The Only Surprise Is A Day That Has None.

I Knew I Was An Unwanted Baby When I Saw That My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

If Two People Want To Get Married, Get Married! The Victorians Had A Great Saying: As Long As It Doesn't Scare The Horses, Do What You Want. And I Absolutely Believe That.

I Have No Sex Appeal. If My Husband Didn't Toss And Turn, We'd Never Have Had Any Kids.

Anyone That Says Looks Don't Count Is Lying. Of Course They Do. Even Babies Go To The Attractive Face. It's The Way Humans Work.

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done.

The Only Way I Can Get A Man To Touch Me At This Age Is Plastic Surgery.

The Only Street I Like Is Rue Honore De Balzac, Because 'balzac' Sound So Gay, And I Love My Gays. I Might Like Parisians More If They Named Their Streets Only For Gay Icons, Like Rue Liza Minnelli Or Rue Bette Midler Or, My Favorite, Rue Mcclanahan.

I Use A Smoke Alarm As A Timer.

If I Found Yoko Ono Floating In My Pool, I'd Punish My Dog.

I’m Never Without A Bandage.

Plastic Surgery

You Have To Do More Than Just Kill Time Or Time Will Quickly Kill You.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Buy A Sexy Sheer Nightgown And Don't Know Anyone Who Can See Through It.

I Hate Thin People; 'oh, Does The Tampon Make Me Look Fat?'

Never Floss A Stranger.

We Don't Apologize For A Joke. We Are Comics. We Are Here To Make You Laugh. If You Don't Get It, Then Don't Watch Us.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

I Have No Methods. All I Do Is Accept People As They Are.

Comedy Is A Very Rough Beat. It's No Holds Barred, As It Should Be.

Never Admit That Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do

I Was The Last Girl In Larchmont, Ny To Get Married. My Mother Had A Sign Up: "last Girl Before Freeway."

What Are People Going To Do? Fire Me? I've Been Fired Before. Not Book Me? I've Been Out Of Work Before. I Don't Care.

Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

At My Age An Affair Of The Heart Is A Bypass!

Funny Valentine

"i Wouldn't Go Over Here To Lisa Rinna And I Would Say 'are Those Breasts Real, Are You Wearing Underwear?'"

Edgar Had A Heart Attack, And I'm To Blame. We Were Making Love, And I Took The Bag Off My Head.

My Routines Come Out Of Total Unhappiness. My Audiences Are My Group Therapy.

I Am Furious About Everything.

I Felt A Comedy Ego Beginning To Grow, Which Gave Me The Courage To Begin Tentatively Looking Into Myself For Material.

Self Confidence

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

To Maintain Success, Stamina Is More Important Than Talent. You Have To Learn To Be A Marathon Runner.

I Hate Mcdonald's. I Don't Want To Order My Dinner By Yelling Into A Clown's Mouth. If I Want My Face In A Clown's Mouth, I'll Tongue Kiss Glenn Beck.

Mel Gibson's Father Doesn't Think There Was A Holocaust? Great. I Don't Think There's A Movie. We're Even.

If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

I Hate Reality Shows That Are Not Reality.

In Every Human Endeavor, Persistence Is Everything.

I Think I've Lost 3lbs - I'm Very, Very Happy. I Thought Of It As Work And A Spa.

I Wish I Had A Twin, So I Could Know What I'd Look Like Without Plastic Surgery.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

Want To Know Why Women Don't Blink During Foreplay? Not Enough Time.

I Think Hillary Clinton's Style Is Perfect. Perfect. You Don't Notice What She's Wearing, You Notice The Woman.

I'm So Fat And I'm So Depressed; Last Night I Tried To Hang Myself - But The Rope Broke.

When You First Get Married, They Open The Car Door For You. Eighteen Years Now...once He Opened The Car Door For Me In The Last Four Years - We Were On The Freeway At The Time.

I Have A Wonderful Psychiatrist That I See Maybe Once A Year, Because I Don't Need It. It All Comes Out Onstage.

I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off.

Joan Collins Told A Reporter That She Hasn't Had Plastic Surgery; Come On... She's Had More Tucks Than A Motel Bedsheet!

Moving On Is A Gift You Give Yourself.

Learn What Not To Expect. Irish Catholic They Get Sh**** Little Rings. Irish Women Get Crappy Rings. Baptist Get The Worst Because They Get The Rings Under Water. When It Comes Up, It's Garbage. Jewish, Big Rings. Episcopalian Big Rings. Italians-the Best, Because They Get Them Off Of Dead People, And Second Wives Get The Biggest Rings Of All.

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