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I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

-Joan Rivers

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I'm Going Out With

Joan Rivers

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I'm Going Out With These Old Guys. One Guy Gave Me A Hickey And Left His Teeth In My Neck. Another Man, We Were Having A Perfectly Lovely Dinner; He Looked Up And Me And Went: You're Not My Wife! Another Guy Died During Dinner. I Had To Go In His Pocket To Get The American Express Card. Then You Wonder: What Would He Tip? Another Guy Said: I Want You To Meet My Family, And Took Me To The Cemetery.

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If You Don't Want Gays In The Military, Make The Uniforms Ugly.

Comedy Exists To Laugh At Things That Aren't Laughable. But Isn't It? That's What Separates Us From The Animals. We Laugh.

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Is Elizabeth Taylor Fat? Her Favorite Food Is Seconds.

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Don't Talk To Me About Gravity. When I Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, I Have To Be Careful Not To Step On My Breasts.

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[when Told That Her Grandchild Had Her Nose:] I Didn't Get This Nose Until I Was Thirty-four.

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Your Anger Can Be 49 Percent And Your Comedy 51 Percent, And You're Okay. If The Anger Is 51 Percent, The Comedy Is Gone.

I Think Actual Death Will Be A Lot Easier Than Dying On Stage. Cause - You Know - If You Do [actual Death] Right, You Can Go Looking Good. Maybe With A Little Quip [like]: 'i Loved Everybody.' But Dying On Stage...oh, God!

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I Wish I Had A Twin, So I Could Know What I'd Look Like Without Plastic Surgery.

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I’m Never Without A Bandage.

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Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Had The Baby. He Was There For The Birth. It Would've Been Nice If He Was There For The Conception.

My Best Birth Control Now Is Just To Leave The Lights On.

Funny Relationship

Diets, Like Clothes, Should Be Tailored To You.

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Oprah Winfrey Is So Powerful That She Had The Rapture Postponed Until After Her Final Show Airs.

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Russell Brand Has Announced That He Plans To Write A Series Of Children's Books. First Up: 'horton Hears A Heroin Dealer.'

I Am Furious About Everything.

My Mother Was A Very Elegant Woman. When A Flying Saucer Landed On The Lawn, She Turned It Over To See If It Was Wedgwood.

Old Age' Is Always Ten Years More Than We Are.

I Adore My Apartment In New York. It Was A Ballroom That I Remade, So It's Like A Loft But Done By Louis The Fifteenth.

My Mother Could Make Anybody Feel Guilty - She Used To Get Letters Of Apology From People She Didn't Even Know.

I Knew I Was An Unwanted Baby When I Saw That My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

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Bo Derek Turned Down The Role Of Helen Keller Because She Couldn't Remember The Lines.

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I’ve Had So Much Plastic Surgery, When I Die They Will Donate My Body To Tupperware.

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All My Friends Are Dying. That's Why I Always Wear Black.

In Life The Only Thing That You Can Expect Is The Unexpected; The Only Surprise Is A Day That Has None.

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The First Time I See A Jogger Smiling, I'll Consider It.

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