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I Don't Know That I Would Need To Be Famous As A Middle East Policy Expert To See That Unilateral Imperialism Is Bad Policy.

-Janeane Garofalo

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I Don't Know That

Janeane Garofalo

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I Don't Know That I Would Need To Be Famous As A Middle East Policy Expert To See That Unilateral Imperialism Is Bad Policy.

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This World Is Bullshit. And Just Because I Appear In Music Video Wherein I Am In My Underwear, And Make Young Women Feel Not Good Enough So That They Become Anorxeic; And Okay, Maybe Because Of That I Became Popular More Quickly Than Other Singers Who Are, I Don't Know, Maybe More Talented Or Better Songwriters. That Doesn't Matter Because, And... Um... My Boyfriend Is A Magician, And He Can Pull A Quarter Out Of Your Ear And Say Things Like 'we Have Not Met Before Have We?' Go With Yourself.

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The Teabagger Thing And The Right-wing Thing - They Pick Easy Targets, And A Female In The Entertainment Industry Is Low-hanging Fruit. It's Very Easy To Mock And Marginalize People In General Who Are In The Entertainment Industry, For Some Reason. But Then Definitely There's The Double Standard And The Misogyny That Goes Through It As Well.

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For Some Reason I Get Advertised When I Travel As A Political Comedian, Which I'm Not. Sometimes I Talk About It And Sometimes I Don't.

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I Was Terrified Of Being On Television - And Also I Overcompensated, I'm Sure, Because I Know I Did This In My Personal Life Too At The Time, When I Was Younger.

You Know What Is Good About These Dixie Chicks Burnings Or Bashings? It's A Wonderful, Wonderful Way For Really Stupid People To Hook Up. They Meet, They Throw Some Things On The Fire, They Talk About Vin Diesel, They Tell Stories About Who Their Favorite Fox Anchor Is, They Exchange Phone Numbers And In Some Cases Has Led To Marriages.

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I Definitely Get The Sense That I'm An Elder Statesman, But I Don't Know If There's An Impact - And I'm Not Saying That In A Naïve Way. I Don't Know. I Think Anybody Who's Been Doing It For 25 Years Is Going To Be Considered An Elder Statesman. But I Don't Know If I've Impacted Anyone.

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I Would Prefer To Be Well-liked In Any And All Situations.

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Taking Into Account The Public's Regrettable Lack Of Taste, It Is Incumbent Upon You Not To Fit In.

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To Combat Social Awkwardness, I Would Just Act Like I Couldn't Be Bothered - That Kind Of Aloof Persona Or Aloof Demeanor. It's So Off-putting.

I Would Have To Say Loneliness Is Next To Uncleanliness.

I Think People Are Very Cynical With Actors Trying To Tell Them What To Believe In, Or Lobbying For Any Kind Of Changing Of Government Policy. Even I Get Cynical About It. Like, Why Is Sharon Stone Telling Me This? And There's Just Something Annoying About Having Charlie Sheen Tell Me, "it's Your Responsibility To Vote," In An Admonishing Way On Mtv.

I Was Too Ignorant To Realize, "oh, This Will Be Difficult."

Should Have Dogs Before They Have Kids. Everybody.

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The Bible, I've Said It Before, Is A Beautifully Written Work Of Fiction.

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I've Got No Problem With Religion If You're Going To Use It For The Good, Like Gandhi Or Martin Luther King. But That's Rarely The Case When It Comes To Politics. It's Usually Used As A Con.

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Irrational Crushes, Infatuations, Or Obsessions. Whatever You Want To Label It, It's Important To Reach Out To Others.

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German Accents And Hassidic Accents Aren't That Romantic. They're More Harsh. Although Hebrew, When Spoken By Certain People, Sounds Beautiful. There's This Beautiful Woman I Know Who Speaks Hebrew, And When She Speaks, It's So Attractive. Maybe It's Who's Speaking It.

... Being A Feminist Means That You Believe In Civil Rights And Social Justice.

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A War Is Going To Destroy Our Economy Even Further. It's Going To Be A Threefold Humanitarian Disaster.

But Let Me Ask You This Though, First And Foremost: Who's Your Favorite Spice Girl? Mine Is Sporty Spice And I'll Tell You Why. You Know What? She Might Not Be As Aesthetically Pleasant As The Rest But She'll Do A Backflip And Steal Your Heart.

There's A Fake Facebook Me. There's A Fake Me Twittering. Sometimes, When It Was At The Height Of Right-wing Nonsense Picking On Me, There Would Be A Fake Me Writing Letters To The Editor. Just Totally Not Even Something I've Ever Said, That Will Then Become Part Of The Echo Chamber.

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When I See Guys In Bars Wearing The Real Fitted Kind Of Calvin Klein V-neck T-shirts I Just Want To Go Up To Them And Be Like, 'oh, Do You Work Out? Your Tricep Looks So Great - Thank You.'

Here's What The Right-wing Has In, There's No Shortage Of The Natural Resources Of Ignorance, Apathy, Hate, Fear. As Long As Those Things Are In The Collective Conscious And Unconscious, The Republicans Will Have Some Votes.

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I Feel Bad That People Think That "feminism" Is A Dirty Word. I Don't Understand That At All, I'm Proud To Be Labeled A Feminist. I Consider Myself A Person Who Has Throughout My Entire Life Stood Up For Myself. It's Never Been My Ambition To Be Someone Who Takes A Backseat To Anything. I'm Not A Male Basher At All. I Divide People Into Assholes And Non-assholes, And That's Genderless. I Encounter Sexism Everyday.

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The Term 'celebrity' Makes My Skin Crawl.

I Would Never Join The Tea Partiers, Because I Don't Have A Problem With The Color Of Obama's Skin. I Don't Have A Problem With Immigrants. You Know What I Mean? I Do Have Genuine Problems With Policy And Government Corruption. Sure I Do. And I Speak Very Candidly About That, Regardless Of Who's In Office. But Since The Tea Partiers Are Ridiculous, Why Would I Urge Anyone To Participate With Them?

I Don't Know That I Would Need To Be Famous As A Middle East Policy Expert To See That Unilateral Imperialism Is Bad Policy.

I Actually Was Class Clown, But I Don't Know How That Happened Because I've Never Been Considered An Outwardly Funny Person-as The People In This Room Will Attest.

If The Audience Is Responding Very Well To Comedians That Are Hacks, And I Don't Do Well, I Don't Feel As Bad, Because I Feel Like Their Taste Is Different Than Mine. They're Laughing At Somebody I Would Never Laugh At, So That Makes It Okay, Because Obviously Our Tastes Are Not In The Same Place. And Comedy Is Subjective, So I Feel Like Maybe The Failure Wasn't All Mine. I Don't Think They Ever Would Have Really Enjoyed Me. So Sometimes That's A Little Easier, But Not Much.

The World Would Be Better Off With Multiple Superpowers. When Communist Ussr Was A Superpower, The World Was Better Off.

I Was A 36c Or D, And At 5' 1'', I Knew That Being A Small Person With Big Boobs Standing In Front Of An Audience Was Not Going To Be Easy. It Would Be Really Hard To Get People To Pay Attention To Me Without Mocking Me. Getting A Breast Reduction To Prepare For My Career Was No Different From People Who Work To Get Good Grades To Get Into A Good College To Get Into A Good Graduate School To Get A Good Job. I Went Down To A B Cup, And It Was The Best Thing In The Whole World.

If You Don't Recognize The Racist Element In The Teabag Movement, You're Either Dishonest, Or You've Never Seen The Teabag Movement, Or Heard Of It, Or Been Acquainted With It In Any Way.

Nothing Translates Worse Than Comedy Into The Printed Word.

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To Me, There Is No Greater Act Of Courage Than Being The One Who Kisses First.

My Dream Would Be To Be On A Show That Shoots In New York, Because I Live Here, And Then I Could Walk To Work.

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I Did Not Support Operation Desert Fox.

Let's Be Very Honest About What This Is About. It's Not About Bashing Democrats, It's Not About Taxes, They Have No Idea What The Boston Tea Party Was About, They Don't Know Their History At All. This Is About Hating A Black Man In The White House. This Is Racism Straight Up.

It's Been Hard In Entertainment As A 45-year-old Woman To Find Jobs. They Get Fewer And Far Between If You're Older, Unless You're One Of The Few Lucky Ones Who Work Constantly, Like Meryl Streep.

How Is It That This Debate Has Been Twisted On Its Head, That Somehow Those That Advocate Peace And Diplomacy Are Anti-american?

I Think What Hinders The Argument Is When People Are Afraid Of Hurting The Feelings Of Racists And People Who Are Genuinely - Some Of Them - Out Of Their Minds. They Demand To See Obama's Birth Certificate. They Claim That He Wants To Kill Our Grandparents With His Health Care. They Want To Be Able To Carry Their Guns Into Every Public Place. Why Do We Need To Coddle These People?

The First Tea Party Protest Was Scheduled For Inauguration Day. So What Were They Upset About? Which Part Of The Job He Was Doing Before He Even Did It Were They Upset About? Secondly, If They Claim To Be Upset With Government Corruption, Government Takeover, Crazy Spending, Where Were They From 2000 To 2008? Right? And Why Weren't They Protesting The Stolen Elections?

There's Nothing Wrong With The Word Conspiracy. It Just Means 'to Breathe Together.'

Protesting The Color Of A Man's Skin Is Not A Worthy Protest.

The Media Is Supposed To Be Custodians Of The Facts And Watchdogs Of Government. They Have, For The Most Part, Neglected To Be Either Of Those Things.

You Young People With Your Twittering And Your Creating Of Content. Or What Is It - Queefing? I Don't Know What You Young People Are Calling It.

Rejection Kills, Disappointment Only Maims.

The Teabaggers - Do I Know Every Single One Of Them? No. Can I See That There's A Lot Of Racist Bullshit Going On? Absolutely. Would It Have Been Welcome To See More Of These "anti-government" Types Around After The Stolen Election? It Would Have Been Good To See It. I Wouldn't Have Liked To See Them With Their Immigrant-bashing And Their Stupid Signs.

Many People Feel That Mass Acceptance And Smooth Socialization Are Desirable Life Paths For A Young Adult… Many People Are Often Wrong… Don’t Bother Being Nice. Being Popular And Well Liked Is Not In Your Best Interest. Let Me Be More Clear; If You Behave In A Manner Pleasing To Most, Then You Are Probably Doing Something Wrong. The Masses Have Never Been Arbiters Of The Sublime, And They Often Fail To Recognize The Truly Great Individual. Taking Into Account The Public’s Regrettable Lack Of Taste, It Is Incumbent Upon You Not To Fit In.

My Hell Is Going To Be The Stairmaster Wing Of Dante's Inferno, Where They're Gonna Tape My Feet To The Pedals And The Only Music I Get Is Michael Bolton Karaoke Style.

You Just Did A Whole Read-through. The Lie That Brought Us Into War Was That Iraq Was A Threat To Us. Well, Now It Is A Threat. Now It Is A Terrorist Hotbed. The Fiction Is Now Reality. And Now We Have To Deal With It. It Was An Attempt At A Corporate Takeover. This Was About Oil. It Wasn't About Human Rights. It's Not About Human Rights.

It Is Just As Painful To Me When I Do Poorly. If The Fault Is All Mine, That's What's Painful. If It's A Situation Where No One Could Have Succeeded, I Don't Feel As Bad.

This Dress Exacerbates The Genetic Betrayal That Is My Legacy.

I'm Grateful For Any Opportunity To Act.

First Of All, "redneck" Is A State Of Mind, Not A Person. So The "racist Redneck" Thing Is A State Of Mind, Not A Geographical Location. So I Don't Mean To Imply That It's Just Southerners. And If You Don't Recognize The Racist Underpinnings And The Emotional Reactive Response You're Getting From These Teabaggers Because We Have A Black President, Then You Are Either Being Dishonest, Or You've Never Seen The Teabaggers.

Now, Granted, There Are Still As Many Heartbreaking Things Going On. There Are So Many Things In The Obama Administration To Be Sick Over That Certainly Didn't Change. And Also Our Media, If It's Possible, Seems To Be Getting Even Worse. The Alleged News Media. And Then There Are The Teabag Racists Adding Insult To Injury. But I Don't Have That Same Heartbreak Anymore, Because It's Not Fresh Heartbreak Anymore. It's Like I'm Used To It. I'm Sure We All Are Just Used To It.

I Guess I Just Prefer To See The Dark Side Of Things. The Glass Is Always Half-empty. And Cracked. And I Just Cut My Lip On It. And Chipped A Tooth.

Well I Don't Know What The City Of Hollywood Knows About Foreign Policy, But Do I Know That A Lot Of People Do Learn And Educate Themselves About Policy And I Don't Have To Be A Policy Expert To Know That This Will Be A Disaster.

Sex Is The Quickest Way To Ruin A Friendship.

He [god] Just Seems So Man-made To Me. There Are So Many Theories, And Not Everyone Can Be Right. It's Human Nature To Need A Religious Crutch, And I Don't Begrudge Anyone That. I Just Don't Need One.

You Can Tell A Lot About A Person By How Excited They Are To Do The Macarena.

I Feel Like The American People Are Being Lied To And Manipulated. President Bush Is Trying To Force 9/11 And Saddam Together.

I Would Tell The Democrats In Washington Who Are Trying To Be Civil With The "bipartisanship" To Please Stop And Let The Joker Die Once And For All, Let The Agents Of Chaos Hit The Pavement, Stop Picking Them Up.

I Don't Really Have Funny Things To Say About Politics. I Wish I Did, But I Don't.

I'm Not A Big Fan Of The Comics Competing Against Each Other.

You Know George W. Bush Is A War-time President, He Says - Proudly. Guess What. War Is Failure! When You Are At War, You Have Failed! When You Have Gone To A War Of Choice And Lied About It, You're A Double-triple, Triple-quadruple Failure! Or A Warlord. It's Called A Warlord In Other Countries. A War Time President Here. One Man's Ceiling I Guess Is Another Man's Floor. George Bush Is A Warlord. He's A Failure!

I Don't Know Why In This Country We Coddle Corporate Criminals, War Criminals, And Racists. People Walk On Eggshells Around Them, And Yet They Will Say A Word Like "liberal" As If It's Pejorative. Or Somebody Who Wants Unions Or Reproductive Justice, They Will Treat Them Like There's Something Wrong With That Person. Does That Make Sense? People Seem To Be More Frightened Of Upsetting A War Criminal Or A Racist And More Willing To Disparage A Very Nice Guy Like Dennis Kucinich. Does That Make Sense?

I Think We All Remember Where We Were When Rush Hour Hit The Water. That Was An Important Day.

Boy, Does That Give You Street Cred For Years After, If You Tell People You Were On 'the Larry Sanders Show!'

To A Right-winger, Unions Are Awful. Why Do Right-wingers Hate Unions? Because Collective Bargaining Is The Power That A Worker Has Against The Corporation. Right-wingers Hate That.

There Is No Way Any Rational, Reasonable Person Can Say That The Bush Administration Has Been Good For America.

I Guess When Your Heart Gets Broken, You Sort Of Start To See The Cracks In Everything.

Herman Cain Is Probably Well Liked By Some Of The Republicans Because It Hides The Racist Elements Of The Republican Party. Conservative Movement And Tea Party Movement... People Like Karl Rove Liked To Keep The Racism Very Covert. And So Herman Cain Provides This Great Opportunity Say You Can Say ‘look, This Is Not A Racist, Anti-immigrant, Anti-female, Anti-gay Movement. Look We Have A Black Man!'” Garofalo Hypothesized. “look He’s Polling Well And Won A Straw Poll!

I Despise In Others My Own Characteristics.

Characteristics

I Think The Parts I Was Offered When I Was Younger, Where I Was Asked To Play That Kind Of Slacker Person, That Was Just Because People Would Go, "oh, She Has Dyed Black Hair." I Guess That's How They Thought I Looked. I Played A Couple Of Those Roles, And Then Unfortunately You Get Pigeonholed Really Fast, And Then You Just Keep Getting Asked To Do That. And Now It Would Be Weird At The Age Of 46 For Me To Play A Slacker. It Would Look Like I Was Nuts.

I Guess Intractable Right-wing Ideologues Are My Mortal Enemy.

Sage Advice? If You're Drunk, Stay Away From The Phone. You Can't Get The Answering Machine Message Back.

When I Talk About People Wrapping Themselves In The Flag And Hiding Behind Jesus - That's An Anti-intellectual Thing To Do In The Political Process, Because Legally, Allegedly We Have A Separation Between Church And State. That's A Legal Precedent That's Never Observed. When People Are Trying To Do Something That's Not In Your Best Interest, They Will Wrap It In The Flag And Hide Behind Jesus, Which Is A Corrupt Thing To Do.

As Actors, It Is Our Responsibility To Read The Newspapers, And Then Say What We Read On Television Like It's Our Own Opinion.

No No No! Don't Clap! No No No, You Make Me Seem Like I'm Like A Prophet Or Something And I'm So Not!

I Wound Up Getting A Lot Of Other Opportunities In The Nineties, And Then Sort Of As Quickly As It Started, It Just As Quickly Ended Around 2001. And So Yeah, I'd Love To Continue Acting But It's Just Not Up To Me.

Sometimes I Am Very Pleased With Lifestyle And Sometimes I Feel Utterly Worthless Because I Have So Few Interests.

I Don't Hate Myself, As A General Rule. I'd Say The Best Way To Describe It Is That I Have Moments Of Self-loathing At Fairly Regular Intervals.

You Just Need An Opportunity And Then You Yourself Have To Do A Good Job, And Then You Hope That People Go, 'oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her.'

Yes, I Think Lots Of People Are Eager To Obtain Weapons Of Mass Destruction. But There's No Evidence That He Has Weapons Of Mass Destruction. There's Been No Evidence Of Him Testing Nuclear Weapons. We Have People That Are In Our Face With Nuclear Weapons. We've Got Iran And North Korea. We've Got A Problem With Pakistan. You Know, I Don't Know What To Say About That. There's A Whole Lot Of People That Are Going Nuclear. And I Think That Saddam Hussein Is Actually, With The Evidence, The Least Able To Use Nuclear Weapons And The Least Obvious Offender In That Area At This Moment.

Mass Destruction

Sometimes There's A Lot Of Tangents Because I Forget What I'm Going To Say So Much. Sometimes There's Very Little Tangents And Stuff For Some Reason, And Then Some Nights It's All Tangents And I Can't Find My Way, And Then Sometimes I Wind Up Just Talking About Something Completely Extemporaneously And Then Never Mention It Again Ever. It's Just Completely Different.

I Would Say That, Unfortunately, The Word Liberal Has Been Redefined Over The Last 30 Years As If It Is A Bad Thing. But Liberalism Is A Great American Philosophy. Being A Liberal Is One Of The Best Things You Can Be. I Don't Think They Get A Fair Shake At All In The Conservative Mainstream Media. So Maybe There's Some Intimidation There.

Men Are Allowed To Age. Men Are Allowed To Gain Weight. Men Are Allowed To Be Quirky Looking.

There's No Reason To Be Doing Comedy During The Day In A Hot Tent. I Don't Know Why Anyone Thinks It's A Good Idea, But Festival After Festival Keeps Doing It. I Did See Some Of The Other Comedians Struggling.

Sometimes The Critics Review Me Harshly For Not Being Critical Of Government But It's Not Me Who Has Said I Was Political.

It Is Not Crazy To Think That Powerful People Do Some Pretty Horrible Things. And Maybe They Get Out Of Hand. Maybe It Just Gets Away From Them. It Snowballs.

Not That I Was Ever An Asshole But I Used To Be Much More Of A Bulldozer.

People Think That You Are A Nasty, Selfish Person If You Don`t Want To Have Children.

Listen, Young People, I Understand Narcissism - Clearly. But At Least I Have The Decency To Hate Myself. And That's What's Missing From The Young People. They Don't Have The Debilitating Self-loathing And The Second Guessing.

All Roads Lead To My Dogs, Don't They?

I Think I Failed Miserably On Newsradio. I Was Very Nervous Because Of The Caliber Of The Cast - Especially Dave Foley - So I Think I Did A Terrible Job.

I Can Do Most Anything And Not Have A Problem With It. The Only Time I Have Negative Attention Is When I Run Naked Through The Streets Brandishing A Handgun.

Historically The Mainstream Media Has Never Been Particularly Friendly To Any Socially Progressive Ideas.

Tv, It's A Director's Medium, And They Wanna Make It Look Interesting. To Be Rehearsing Mostly For The Sake Of Where You're Standing So They Can Do The Lighting, That's What I Don't Like.

Evil Is In The Face Of Every Frat Guy That Ever Raised A Beer Cup And Went "whoooooo!"

I'm Almost 46. You Become No Longer Even Regarded In A Sexual Way. As You Get Older You're Just Taken Out Of That Realm. So It's Not Anything That Particularly Confronts Me Very Much At All.

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Candace Bushnell

Hans Christian Andersen

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