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There's Been Times When I Have Actually Had Sex Indoors. And Then You Kind Of Sober Up A Little When It's Over. I Become Like A Bartender At 2 Am. Ok, People, Let's Move It Out! Yeah, You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here.

-Janeane Garofalo

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There's Been Times When

Janeane Garofalo

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There's Been Times When I Have Actually Had Sex Indoors. And Then You Kind Of Sober Up A Little When It's Over. I Become Like A Bartender At 2 Am. Ok, People, Let's Move It Out! Yeah, You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here.

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Leaving Your Ears Open To The Suggestions Of Others Only Closes The Mind's Eye, Thereby Creating A Type Of Spiritual Glaucoma.

The Inked Fingers And The Position Of Them, Which Is Gonna Be A 'daily Show' Photo Already, Of Them Signaling In This [nazi Salute] Manner, As If They Have Solidarity With The Iraqis Who Braved Physical Threats Against Their Lives To Vote As If Somehow These Inked-fingered Republicans Have Something To Do With That.

Blood May Be Thicker Than Water, But It Is Still Sticky, Unpleasant And Generally Nauseating.

Listening To Your Tape, I Was Reminded Of This Poem. It Has The Central Question: Is It Harder To Count On Someone Or To Know That You're Being The One Counted Upon? Anyway, There's This Part That Goes: If Equal Affection Cannot Be, Then Let The More Loving One Be Me. Have You Ever Read That One? It's One Of My Favorites.

I'm Not A Big Fan Of The Comics Competing Against Each Other.

He [god] Just Seems So Man-made To Me. There Are So Many Theories, And Not Everyone Can Be Right. It's Human Nature To Need A Religious Crutch, And I Don't Begrudge Anyone That. I Just Don't Need One.

I Should Also Say, In General, I Just Drank A Lot. I Shouldn't Characterize It As "to Get The Courage To Perform." It Was Just An In-general Nighttime Activity. It Definitely Made It Easier When I Started Doing Stand-up. It Was Just Much Simpler To Do A Couple Of Shots. It Made My Nerves Go Away, For The Most Part. It Just Was Something I Sort Of Relied On For About The First Four Years.

I Would Tell The Democrats In Washington Who Are Trying To Be Civil With The "bipartisanship" To Please Stop And Let The Joker Die Once And For All, Let The Agents Of Chaos Hit The Pavement, Stop Picking Them Up.

Herman Cain Is Probably Well Liked By Some Of The Republicans Because It Hides The Racist Elements Of The Republican Party. Conservative Movement And Tea Party Movement... People Like Karl Rove Liked To Keep The Racism Very Covert. And So Herman Cain Provides This Great Opportunity Say You Can Say ‘look, This Is Not A Racist, Anti-immigrant, Anti-female, Anti-gay Movement. Look We Have A Black Man!'” Garofalo Hypothesized. “look He’s Polling Well And Won A Straw Poll!

Because We Don't Have A Fairness Doctrine, And Because We Have Further Media Consolidation, And Because We Have A Craptastic Corporate Media, We Don't Have News! We Don't Have An Informed Populous And We Don't Have A Democracy... Everyone In The World Knows That America, (in Its Current State, Because Of Right-wingers) That The Right Wing Arm Of This Country (that Speaks For This Country Unfortunately) Has No Credibility When It Comes To Human Rights Or Independent Media.

A War Is Going To Destroy Our Economy Even Further. It's Going To Be A Threefold Humanitarian Disaster.

When Communist U.s.s.r. Was A Superpower, The World Was Better Off. The Right-wing Media Is Trying To Marginalize The Peace Movement.

Sometimes I Am Very Pleased With Lifestyle And Sometimes I Feel Utterly Worthless Because I Have So Few Interests.

I Guess When Your Heart Gets Broken, You Sort Of Start To See The Cracks In Everything.

I Got Mugged. And They Got My Knapsack With My Comedy Notebook In It. So If Anybody See Two Cholos Bombing At The Funny Bone Chain, That Would Be Them. Just Give Me A Jingle.

I Don't Think That The Administration Is Being Particularly Honest With The American People About What This Is Going To Cost In Life And In Dollars, What The Dangers Are, Retaliatory Strikes, Once It Happens. This Is Not A War That Needs To Happen Immediately, If Ever.

There Is No Blacklist. In The First Place, In The Entertainment Business, Money Talks, Bullshit Walks. So Susan Sarandon And Tim Robbins Won't Be Blacklisted Because They Are Bankable Stars. In The Second Place, If You Are A Woman, The Only Things You're Going To Be Blacklisted For In Hollywood Are Body Fat And Aging.

There Is No Way Any Rational, Reasonable Person Can Say That The Bush Administration Has Been Good For America.

If The Audience Is Responding Very Well To Comedians That Are Hacks, And I Don't Do Well, I Don't Feel As Bad, Because I Feel Like Their Taste Is Different Than Mine. They're Laughing At Somebody I Would Never Laugh At, So That Makes It Okay, Because Obviously Our Tastes Are Not In The Same Place. And Comedy Is Subjective, So I Feel Like Maybe The Failure Wasn't All Mine. I Don't Think They Ever Would Have Really Enjoyed Me. So Sometimes That's A Little Easier, But Not Much.

I Think I Failed Miserably On Newsradio. I Was Very Nervous Because Of The Caliber Of The Cast - Especially Dave Foley - So I Think I Did A Terrible Job.

Sage Advice? If You're Drunk, Stay Away From The Phone. You Can't Get The Answering Machine Message Back.

Irrational Crushes, Infatuations, Or Obsessions. Whatever You Want To Label It, It's Important To Reach Out To Others.

How Is It That This Debate Has Been Twisted On Its Head, That Somehow Those That Advocate Peace And Diplomacy Are Anti-american?

To Me, There Is No Greater Act Of Courage Than Being The One Who Kisses First.

Last Night, I Went To A Birthday Party, And This Girl Brought A Cake And A Cheesecake. And The Other Girls That Lived In The Apartment, I Swear To God, All Night Long: 'you're Taking That Cake With You When You Go. That Cake's Not Staying In This House.' Like It's This Evil, Hope Diamond, Nuclear, Horrifying Cursed Thing.

The Media Is Supposed To Be Custodians Of The Facts And Watchdogs Of Government. They Have, For The Most Part, Neglected To Be Either Of Those Things.

The Reason A Person Is A Republican Is Because Something Is Wrong With Them. Again, That's Science - That's Neuroscience. You Cannot Be Well Adjusted, Open-minded, Pluralistic, Enlightened And Be A Republican.

I Was A 36c Or D, And At 5' 1'', I Knew That Being A Small Person With Big Boobs Standing In Front Of An Audience Was Not Going To Be Easy. It Would Be Really Hard To Get People To Pay Attention To Me Without Mocking Me. Getting A Breast Reduction To Prepare For My Career Was No Different From People Who Work To Get Good Grades To Get Into A Good College To Get Into A Good Graduate School To Get A Good Job. I Went Down To A B Cup, And It Was The Best Thing In The Whole World.

The World Would Be Better Off With Multiple Superpowers. When Communist Ussr Was A Superpower, The World Was Better Off.

My Hell Is Going To Be The Stairmaster Wing Of Dante's Inferno, Where They're Gonna Tape My Feet To The Pedals And The Only Music I Get Is Michael Bolton Karaoke Style.

When I See Guys In Bars Wearing The Real Fitted Kind Of Calvin Klein V-neck T-shirts I Just Want To Go Up To Them And Be Like, 'oh, Do You Work Out? Your Tricep Looks So Great - Thank You.'

Men Are Allowed To Age. Men Are Allowed To Gain Weight. Men Are Allowed To Be Quirky Looking.

I Don't Really Have Funny Things To Say About Politics. I Wish I Did, But I Don't.

I Don't Know Who You're Referring To Exactly Who Said, 'what Has Iraq Done To Us?'

You Know George W. Bush Is A War-time President, He Says - Proudly. Guess What. War Is Failure! When You Are At War, You Have Failed! When You Have Gone To A War Of Choice And Lied About It, You're A Double-triple, Triple-quadruple Failure! Or A Warlord. It's Called A Warlord In Other Countries. A War Time President Here. One Man's Ceiling I Guess Is Another Man's Floor. George Bush Is A Warlord. He's A Failure!

Pedestrian's Rights - Because We Live In California, I've Got To Address This Issue. I Don't Know Where On The Fence I Am About That. I Suppose If I'm Walking, I'm All For It, But If I'm Driving, That's A Whole Other Can Of Worms.

I'm Not Religious Anymore, But I Think It's Like Papal Infallibility, Which Is A Ridiculous Man-made Tenet, Like What I Believe Most Religious Tenets To Be, Are Man-made After The Fact.

You Can't Have Cinema By Committee If You're Trying To Do It Well.

I Don't Even Know Why Somebody's Twittering As Me. I Don't Understand It, And I Wish That It Would Stop. But There's Nothing That Can Be Done. It's So Terrible.

Now, Granted, There Are Still As Many Heartbreaking Things Going On. There Are So Many Things In The Obama Administration To Be Sick Over That Certainly Didn't Change. And Also Our Media, If It's Possible, Seems To Be Getting Even Worse. The Alleged News Media. And Then There Are The Teabag Racists Adding Insult To Injury. But I Don't Have That Same Heartbreak Anymore, Because It's Not Fresh Heartbreak Anymore. It's Like I'm Used To It. I'm Sure We All Are Just Used To It.

You Know, I Have No Web Presence, And I Don't Know That There's Many People Who Really Do Know Me That Much Anymore.

I Think The Parts I Was Offered When I Was Younger, Where I Was Asked To Play That Kind Of Slacker Person, That Was Just Because People Would Go, "oh, She Has Dyed Black Hair." I Guess That's How They Thought I Looked. I Played A Couple Of Those Roles, And Then Unfortunately You Get Pigeonholed Really Fast, And Then You Just Keep Getting Asked To Do That. And Now It Would Be Weird At The Age Of 46 For Me To Play A Slacker. It Would Look Like I Was Nuts.

I Think People Are Very Cynical With Actors Trying To Tell Them What To Believe In, Or Lobbying For Any Kind Of Changing Of Government Policy. Even I Get Cynical About It. Like, Why Is Sharon Stone Telling Me This? And There's Just Something Annoying About Having Charlie Sheen Tell Me, "it's Your Responsibility To Vote," In An Admonishing Way On Mtv.

Sex Is The Quickest Way To Ruin A Friendship.

I Would Prefer To Be Well-liked In Any And All Situations.

We Got Married Drunk In Vegas . . . We Dated For A Year, And We Got Married At A Drive-through Chapel In A Cab. [we Thought] You Have To Go Down To The Courthouse And Sign Papers And Stuff, So Who Knew? We Were Married, And Apparently Now That [rob] Is Getting Married For Real, His Lawyer Dug Up Something.

I Would Say That, Unfortunately, The Word Liberal Has Been Redefined Over The Last 30 Years As If It Is A Bad Thing. But Liberalism Is A Great American Philosophy. Being A Liberal Is One Of The Best Things You Can Be. I Don't Think They Get A Fair Shake At All In The Conservative Mainstream Media. So Maybe There's Some Intimidation There.

Every Year My Family Would Pile Into The Car For Our Vacation And Drive 80 Trillion Miles Just To Prove We Couldn't Get Along In Any Setting.

Many People Feel That Mass Acceptance And Smooth Socialization Are Desirable Life Paths For A Young Adult… Many People Are Often Wrong… Don’t Bother Being Nice. Being Popular And Well Liked Is Not In Your Best Interest. Let Me Be More Clear; If You Behave In A Manner Pleasing To Most, Then You Are Probably Doing Something Wrong. The Masses Have Never Been Arbiters Of The Sublime, And They Often Fail To Recognize The Truly Great Individual. Taking Into Account The Public’s Regrettable Lack Of Taste, It Is Incumbent Upon You Not To Fit In.

For Some Reason I Get Advertised When I Travel As A Political Comedian, Which I'm Not. Sometimes I Talk About It And Sometimes I Don't.

If You Don't Recognize The Racist Element In The Teabag Movement, You're Either Dishonest, Or You've Never Seen The Teabag Movement, Or Heard Of It, Or Been Acquainted With It In Any Way.

Here's What The Right-wing Has In, There's No Shortage Of The Natural Resources Of Ignorance, Apathy, Hate, Fear. As Long As Those Things Are In The Collective Conscious And Unconscious, The Republicans Will Have Some Votes.

Should Have Dogs Before They Have Kids. Everybody.

Rejection Kills, Disappointment Only Maims.

You Can Tell A Lot About A Person By How Excited They Are To Do The Macarena.

First Of All, "redneck" Is A State Of Mind, Not A Person. So The "racist Redneck" Thing Is A State Of Mind, Not A Geographical Location. So I Don't Mean To Imply That It's Just Southerners. And If You Don't Recognize The Racist Underpinnings And The Emotional Reactive Response You're Getting From These Teabaggers Because We Have A Black President, Then You Are Either Being Dishonest, Or You've Never Seen The Teabaggers.

I Feel Bad That People Think That "feminism" Is A Dirty Word. I Don't Understand That At All, I'm Proud To Be Labeled A Feminist. I Consider Myself A Person Who Has Throughout My Entire Life Stood Up For Myself. It's Never Been My Ambition To Be Someone Who Takes A Backseat To Anything. I'm Not A Male Basher At All. I Divide People Into Assholes And Non-assholes, And That's Genderless. I Encounter Sexism Everyday.

There's Always [on Women's Magazines] That Great Photo Of The Actress Or Model Lifting Up Her Shirt Just To Show You The Bone Structure And The Six-pack Of Her Own. It's Almost Like When Horses Are Auctioned And They Show You Their Teeth. 'am I Good Enough?'

The First Tea Party Protest Was Scheduled For Inauguration Day. So What Were They Upset About? Which Part Of The Job He Was Doing Before He Even Did It Were They Upset About? Secondly, If They Claim To Be Upset With Government Corruption, Government Takeover, Crazy Spending, Where Were They From 2000 To 2008? Right? And Why Weren't They Protesting The Stolen Elections?

All Roads Lead To My Dogs, Don't They?

I Make Jewelry Occasionally. I'm Not A Hobbyist. I'm A Reader, I'm A Lover Of Books, I Like To Watch Movies, But Mostly A Lot Of Nothing. I'm Quite Content Doing Very Little.

There's A Fake Facebook Me. There's A Fake Me Twittering. Sometimes, When It Was At The Height Of Right-wing Nonsense Picking On Me, There Would Be A Fake Me Writing Letters To The Editor. Just Totally Not Even Something I've Ever Said, That Will Then Become Part Of The Echo Chamber.

I'm Almost 46. You Become No Longer Even Regarded In A Sexual Way. As You Get Older You're Just Taken Out Of That Realm. So It's Not Anything That Particularly Confronts Me Very Much At All.

Evil Is In The Face Of Every Frat Guy That Ever Raised A Beer Cup And Went "whoooooo!"

Nothing Translates Worse Than Comedy Into The Printed Word.

To Combat Social Awkwardness, I Would Just Act Like I Couldn't Be Bothered - That Kind Of Aloof Persona Or Aloof Demeanor. It's So Off-putting.

The Bible, I've Said It Before, Is A Beautifully Written Work Of Fiction.

The Teabagger Thing And The Right-wing Thing - They Pick Easy Targets, And A Female In The Entertainment Industry Is Low-hanging Fruit. It's Very Easy To Mock And Marginalize People In General Who Are In The Entertainment Industry, For Some Reason. But Then Definitely There's The Double Standard And The Misogyny That Goes Through It As Well.

Double Standard

I Don't Know Why In This Country We Coddle Corporate Criminals, War Criminals, And Racists. People Walk On Eggshells Around Them, And Yet They Will Say A Word Like "liberal" As If It's Pejorative. Or Somebody Who Wants Unions Or Reproductive Justice, They Will Treat Them Like There's Something Wrong With That Person. Does That Make Sense? People Seem To Be More Frightened Of Upsetting A War Criminal Or A Racist And More Willing To Disparage A Very Nice Guy Like Dennis Kucinich. Does That Make Sense?

Iraq Is A Manufactured Conflict For The Sake Of Geopolitical Dominance In The Area.

It’s Mentally Exhausting, Feeling Bad About Something You Can Do Nothing About.

Like I Said, I'm Just Grateful When Anyone Offers Me A Job. It's Like, "okay. I'll Do It." Fbi Agent Is One, Too, When You Get Older. When You're Kind Of An Older Lady Hard-ass, Fbi Tends To Happen. It's Just Because I'd Like To Work Rather Than Not Work, So I'm Just Happy If Somebody Wants Me To Do Anything.

How Long Do We Have To Deal With Conservative Failure? How Long? Thirty Years Is Not Enough? So I Would Say Enough With That, And I Would Say Check Out The Center For American Progress, And The Writings By Patrick Garofalo, Economic Guru. That's What I Would Say.

I've Got No Problem With Religion If You're Going To Use It For The Good, Like Gandhi Or Martin Luther King. But That's Rarely The Case When It Comes To Politics. It's Usually Used As A Con.

I Despise In Others My Own Characteristics.

Characteristics

There's Been Times When I Have Actually Had Sex Indoors. And Then You Kind Of Sober Up A Little When It's Over. I Become Like A Bartender At 2 Am. Ok, People, Let's Move It Out! Yeah, You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here.

The Right, Like Pat Buchanan And Rush Limbauggh, Use Women And The Black Man And The Hispanic Immigrant And The Gay Man As A Scapgoat For Society's Ills. They Pretend It's About Traditional Family Values, But That's A Bullshit Phrase That Means Nothing To Me. They Like To Use Us All. They Use Pro-life As A Way To Hate Women And Slam Women, Dressed Up In The Nobility Of Saving Unborn Fetuses. I Think It's Just Misogyny.

You Have To Have A Lot More Dedication To What I'll Call 'the Machine,' ... I Have 20 Percent Dedication. What's Needed Is 110 Percent. You Can't Have It With The Level Of Apathy I Have.

When I See The American Flag, I Go, 'oh My God, You're Insulting Me.'

To A Right-winger, Unions Are Awful. Why Do Right-wingers Hate Unions? Because Collective Bargaining Is The Power That A Worker Has Against The Corporation. Right-wingers Hate That.

There's No Reason To Be Doing Comedy During The Day In A Hot Tent. I Don't Know Why Anyone Thinks It's A Good Idea, But Festival After Festival Keeps Doing It. I Did See Some Of The Other Comedians Struggling.

Protesting The Color Of A Man's Skin Is Not A Worthy Protest.

I Definitely Get The Sense That I'm An Elder Statesman, But I Don't Know If There's An Impact - And I'm Not Saying That In A Naïve Way. I Don't Know. I Think Anybody Who's Been Doing It For 25 Years Is Going To Be Considered An Elder Statesman. But I Don't Know If I've Impacted Anyone.

I Can Do Most Anything And Not Have A Problem With It. The Only Time I Have Negative Attention Is When I Run Naked Through The Streets Brandishing A Handgun.

You Know What Is Good About These Dixie Chicks Burnings Or Bashings? It's A Wonderful, Wonderful Way For Really Stupid People To Hook Up. They Meet, They Throw Some Things On The Fire, They Talk About Vin Diesel, They Tell Stories About Who Their Favorite Fox Anchor Is, They Exchange Phone Numbers And In Some Cases Has Led To Marriages.

We're Our Own Worst Enemies A Lot Of The Time, But I Still Blame Men.

But Let Me Ask You This Though, First And Foremost: Who's Your Favorite Spice Girl? Mine Is Sporty Spice And I'll Tell You Why. You Know What? She Might Not Be As Aesthetically Pleasant As The Rest But She'll Do A Backflip And Steal Your Heart.

It's Been Hard In Entertainment As A 45-year-old Woman To Find Jobs. They Get Fewer And Far Between If You're Older, Unless You're One Of The Few Lucky Ones Who Work Constantly, Like Meryl Streep.

No No No! Don't Clap! No No No, You Make Me Seem Like I'm Like A Prophet Or Something And I'm So Not!

Until As Women We All Say, No! We Are Not Going To Starve Ourselves, Nothing Is Going To Change. We're Our Own Worse Enemies Sometimes But I Still Blame Men.

This World Is Bullshit. And Just Because I Appear In Music Video Wherein I Am In My Underwear, And Make Young Women Feel Not Good Enough So That They Become Anorxeic; And Okay, Maybe Because Of That I Became Popular More Quickly Than Other Singers Who Are, I Don't Know, Maybe More Talented Or Better Songwriters. That Doesn't Matter Because, And... Um... My Boyfriend Is A Magician, And He Can Pull A Quarter Out Of Your Ear And Say Things Like 'we Have Not Met Before Have We?' Go With Yourself.

Not Good Enough

If You Don't Do Any Self-examinations Or See A Doctor Ever, You'll Live Forever. That's How You Do It. The Diagnosis Is What Gets You. You Just Have A Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy With Any And All Bodily Functions.

Let's Be Very Honest About What This Is About. It's Not About Bashing Democrats, It's Not About Taxes, They Have No Idea What The Boston Tea Party Was About, They Don't Know Their History At All. This Is About Hating A Black Man In The White House. This Is Racism Straight Up.

I Was Thrilled To Work Opposite Carl Reiner And Robert De Niro. Mr. Reiner Was Very Chatty And Delightful, But I Learned That If You Want Robert De Niro To Like You, Don't Speak At All, And He'll Be Friendly To You.

German Accents And Hassidic Accents Aren't That Romantic. They're More Harsh. Although Hebrew, When Spoken By Certain People, Sounds Beautiful. There's This Beautiful Woman I Know Who Speaks Hebrew, And When She Speaks, It's So Attractive. Maybe It's Who's Speaking It.

Yes, I Think Lots Of People Are Eager To Obtain Weapons Of Mass Destruction. But There's No Evidence That He Has Weapons Of Mass Destruction. There's Been No Evidence Of Him Testing Nuclear Weapons. We Have People That Are In Our Face With Nuclear Weapons. We've Got Iran And North Korea. We've Got A Problem With Pakistan. You Know, I Don't Know What To Say About That. There's A Whole Lot Of People That Are Going Nuclear. And I Think That Saddam Hussein Is Actually, With The Evidence, The Least Able To Use Nuclear Weapons And The Least Obvious Offender In That Area At This Moment.

Mass Destruction

I Don't Know That I Would Need To Be Famous As A Middle East Policy Expert To See That Unilateral Imperialism Is Bad Policy.

I Didn't Start Acting Until I Was 27, And That Was Just Through Gary Shandling And Ben Stiller Who I Knew Through Stand-up. And They Both In The Same Year Offered Me Parts On Their Programs Which Was Unbelievably Lucky And Fortuitous.

As Actors, It Is Our Responsibility To Read The Newspapers, And Then Say What We Read On Television Like It's Our Own Opinion.

... Being A Feminist Means That You Believe In Civil Rights And Social Justice.

I Can't Wait For The Next Fad Though, And I Predict It's Going To Be Pennsylvania Dutch Culture, Very Amish. It's Going To Be Bonnets And Butter Churns.

You Young People With Your Twittering And Your Creating Of Content. Or What Is It - Queefing? I Don't Know What You Young People Are Calling It.

I Guess I Just Prefer To See The Dark Side Of Things. The Glass Is Always Half-empty. And Cracked. And I Just Cut My Lip On It. And Chipped A Tooth.

I Feel Like The American People Are Being Lied To And Manipulated. President Bush Is Trying To Force 9/11 And Saddam Together.

I Did Not Support Operation Desert Fox.

I Was Just Utterly Oblivious To How Difficult It Was, And How Difficult It Was Going To Be, And Then Also In The Mid-eighties Through The Mid-nineties There Was A Boom Of Sorts. So There Were Plenty Of Stages. If I Had Started Now, There Would Be Very Few Places To Get Better And Better.

My Dream Would Be To Be On A Show That Shoots In New York, Because I Live Here, And Then I Could Walk To Work.

Without Liberals We Wouldn't Have Unions. We Wouldn't Have Environmental Protections. We Wouldn't Have Seat Belts Or Birth Control Or The Aclu! Any Of These Things!

Sometimes The Critics Review Me Harshly For Not Being Critical Of Government But It's Not Me Who Has Said I Was Political.

It Is Not Crazy To Think That Powerful People Do Some Pretty Horrible Things. And Maybe They Get Out Of Hand. Maybe It Just Gets Away From Them. It Snowballs.

It's Not Like I Would See Anyone And Be Like, "oh Yes, That Person Looks Like Maybe I Had An Impact On Them." I Don't Think I Did. I Don't Think I Ever Was That Well Known, To Have An Impact. And I Haven't Seen Comics That I Go, "oh, Yes! That Person Is Terribly Unprepared, With Their Notebook, And Going Off On 50 Tangents. There You Are. That's Me."

I Was Too Ignorant To Realize, "oh, This Will Be Difficult."

Taking Into Account The Public's Regrettable Lack Of Taste, It Is Incumbent Upon You Not To Fit In.

You Get Pigeonholed By What You Sort Of Look Like. And I Don't Mean This In A Self-deprecating Way. I'm Grateful For Any Opportunity To Act. But I Think That If You're Not Classically Attractive Or Mainstream Attractive, Especially As You Get Older, There's Only Like Three Jobs That People Think You Do. Like, "police Officer Who May Be Gay." District Attorney Is A Big One. Lawyer. Doctor.

You Just Did A Whole Read-through. The Lie That Brought Us Into War Was That Iraq Was A Threat To Us. Well, Now It Is A Threat. Now It Is A Terrorist Hotbed. The Fiction Is Now Reality. And Now We Have To Deal With It. It Was An Attempt At A Corporate Takeover. This Was About Oil. It Wasn't About Human Rights. It's Not About Human Rights.

I'm A Walker. I Enjoy Walking, Which I Think Psychologically Expresses My Feelings Of Wanting Liberation Without Exerting Myself Too Much.

I Truly Believe A Woman's Weight Is A Political Issue, And If One Young Woman Out There Can See Me And Not Feel Crummy About Herself, That's A Good Thing.

It Is Just As Painful To Me When I Do Poorly. If The Fault Is All Mine, That's What's Painful. If It's A Situation Where No One Could Have Succeeded, I Don't Feel As Bad.

I Think We All Remember Where We Were When Rush Hour Hit The Water. That Was An Important Day.

The Teabaggers - Do I Know Every Single One Of Them? No. Can I See That There's A Lot Of Racist Bullshit Going On? Absolutely. Would It Have Been Welcome To See More Of These "anti-government" Types Around After The Stolen Election? It Would Have Been Good To See It. I Wouldn't Have Liked To See Them With Their Immigrant-bashing And Their Stupid Signs.

Tv, It's A Director's Medium, And They Wanna Make It Look Interesting. To Be Rehearsing Mostly For The Sake Of Where You're Standing So They Can Do The Lighting, That's What I Don't Like.

For My Stand-up, I Always Have My Notebook With Me And If Something Strikes Me, I'll Write It Down.

I Don't Hate Myself, As A General Rule. I'd Say The Best Way To Describe It Is That I Have Moments Of Self-loathing At Fairly Regular Intervals.

The Directing Thing, To Do It Well, I Think You Have To Have A Hell Of A Lot More Discipline Than I Do, Or Be A Lot More Willing To Really Take Charge Of Whole Large Group Of People Than I Feel Comfortable Doing - Because A Director Really Has To Run Everything, And Be Very Confident In Their Ability To Do So.

I Would Never Join The Tea Partiers, Because I Don't Have A Problem With The Color Of Obama's Skin. I Don't Have A Problem With Immigrants. You Know What I Mean? I Do Have Genuine Problems With Policy And Government Corruption. Sure I Do. And I Speak Very Candidly About That, Regardless Of Who's In Office. But Since The Tea Partiers Are Ridiculous, Why Would I Urge Anyone To Participate With Them?

Historically The Mainstream Media Has Never Been Particularly Friendly To Any Socially Progressive Ideas.

Unfortunately, I Am Not One Of Those Comics Where It's Guaranteed That I Hit It Out Of The Park Every Time. You Know, I Am Not Completely Reliable. It's Always Different, And It's A Complete Crapshoot Whether I'm Going To Do Well.

Well I Don't Know What The City Of Hollywood Knows About Foreign Policy, But Do I Know That A Lot Of People Do Learn And Educate Themselves About Policy And I Don't Have To Be A Policy Expert To Know That This Will Be A Disaster.

I'm Grateful For Any Opportunity To Act.

He Said That Faith Is Like A Glass Of Water. When You're Young, The Glass Is Small, And It's Easy To Fill Up. But The Older You Get, The Bigger The Glass Gets, And The Same Amount Of Liquid Doesn't Fill It Anymore. Periodically, The Glass Has To Be Refilled.

I Actually Was Class Clown, But I Don't Know How That Happened Because I've Never Been Considered An Outwardly Funny Person-as The People In This Room Will Attest.

I Guess Intractable Right-wing Ideologues Are My Mortal Enemy.

As You Can Tell From Watching The Show, I'm Not A Strong Joke Writer Per Se.

I Wound Up Getting A Lot Of Other Opportunities In The Nineties, And Then Sort Of As Quickly As It Started, It Just As Quickly Ended Around 2001. And So Yeah, I'd Love To Continue Acting But It's Just Not Up To Me.

You Just Need An Opportunity And Then You Yourself Have To Do A Good Job, And Then You Hope That People Go, 'oh Yeah, I Forgot About Her.'

There's Nothing Wrong With The Word Conspiracy. It Just Means 'to Breathe Together.'

People Think That You Are A Nasty, Selfish Person If You Don`t Want To Have Children.

The Term 'celebrity' Makes My Skin Crawl.

I Would Have To Say Loneliness Is Next To Uncleanliness.

Silence Does Not Equal Patriotism. Obedience Is Not The American Way.

When I Talk About People Wrapping Themselves In The Flag And Hiding Behind Jesus - That's An Anti-intellectual Thing To Do In The Political Process, Because Legally, Allegedly We Have A Separation Between Church And State. That's A Legal Precedent That's Never Observed. When People Are Trying To Do Something That's Not In Your Best Interest, They Will Wrap It In The Flag And Hide Behind Jesus, Which Is A Corrupt Thing To Do.

Listen, Young People, I Understand Narcissism - Clearly. But At Least I Have The Decency To Hate Myself. And That's What's Missing From The Young People. They Don't Have The Debilitating Self-loathing And The Second Guessing.

This Dress Exacerbates The Genetic Betrayal That Is My Legacy.

Boy, Does That Give You Street Cred For Years After, If You Tell People You Were On 'the Larry Sanders Show!'

If You Aren't Overly Effusive Or Really Nicey-nice With The Press, You Get A Reputation For Being Outspoken Or Difficult.

Not That I Was Ever An Asshole But I Used To Be Much More Of A Bulldozer.

I Was Terrified Of Being On Television - And Also I Overcompensated, I'm Sure, Because I Know I Did This In My Personal Life Too At The Time, When I Was Younger.

Tina Fey Is Part Of A Generation Of Women Who Have Changed The Face Of Comedy At 'second City,' 'snl,' In Sitcoms And In Film.

Sometimes There's A Lot Of Tangents Because I Forget What I'm Going To Say So Much. Sometimes There's Very Little Tangents And Stuff For Some Reason, And Then Some Nights It's All Tangents And I Can't Find My Way, And Then Sometimes I Wind Up Just Talking About Something Completely Extemporaneously And Then Never Mention It Again Ever. It's Just Completely Different.

Anthony Weiner Deserves To Be Supported And Hopefully He Will Be Mayor Of New York One Day. I'm Serious. He Is A Democrat [who] Actually Fights For The Things Liberals And Progressive And Rational People Care About. I Don't Know Why He's Being Thrown Under The Bus. He Hasn't Done Any - He Hasn't Broke Any Laws.

When Pat Buchanan Came Out Against The Beijing Women's Conference And There Were Women Standing Next To Him, Smiling And Laughing When He Was Making Fun Of It, I Was So Embarrassed. I Don't Mind When The More Liberal Or Moderate Republican Women Talk About Smaller Government Or Money Issues And Things Of That Nature. But When I See A Conservative Republican Woman In Line With The Christian Right Or Coming Out Against Abortion And Day-care Issues And For Taking Away Womens' Aid, I See A Self-hating, Unenlightened Woman, Like A Self-hating Jew. That Blows My Mind. I Don't Get It At All.

I Think What Hinders The Argument Is When People Are Afraid Of Hurting The Feelings Of Racists And People Who Are Genuinely - Some Of Them - Out Of Their Minds. They Demand To See Obama's Birth Certificate. They Claim That He Wants To Kill Our Grandparents With His Health Care. They Want To Be Able To Carry Their Guns Into Every Public Place. Why Do We Need To Coddle These People?

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