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I Calculated The Total Time That Humans Have Waited For Web Pages To Load. It Cancels Out All The Productivity Gains Of The Information Age. Sometimes I Think The Web Is A Big Plot To Keep People Like Me Away From Normal Society.

-Scott Adams

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I Calculated The Total

Scott Adams

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I Calculated The Total Time That Humans Have Waited For Web Pages To Load. It Cancels Out All The Productivity Gains Of The Information Age. Sometimes I Think The Web Is A Big Plot To Keep People Like Me Away From Normal Society.

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I Try To Manage My Day By My Circadian Rhythms Because The Creativity Is Such An Elusive Thing, And I Could Easily Just Stomp Over It Doing My Administrative Stuff.

If You Haven't Already Told Your Kids 'don't Fellate The President' Then You're Probably A Bad Parent.

Good Advertising Can Make People Buy Your Product Even If It Sucks ... A Dollar Spent On Brainwashing Is More Cost-effective Than A Dollar Spent On Product Improvement.

I Can't Bring Myself To Believe In A God With A Personality Like My Own. I Base That On The Paucity Of Lightning Attacks On People Who Deserve It.

As Network Administrator I Can Take Down The Network With One Keystroke. It's Just Like Being A Doctor But Without Getting Gooky Stuff On My Paws.

The World Isn't Fair, But As Long As It's Tilting In My Direction, I Find That There's A Natural Cap To My Righteous Indignation.

Mockery Is An Important Social Tool For Squelching Stupidity. I’ve Never Seen Anyone Change His Mind Because Of The Power Of A Superior Argument Or The Acquisition Of New Facts. But I’ve Seen Plenty Of People Change Behavior To Avoid Being Mocked.

Your Inability To See Other Possibilities And Your Lack Of Vocabulary Are Your Brain's Limits, Not The Universe's.

If I Had To Pick One Quality That Best Predicts Success (other Than Wanting To Be Successful) It Would Be The Willingness To Risk Embarrassment.

What Does It Mean To Be Yourself?” He Asked. “if It Means To Do What You Think You Ought To Do, Then You’re Doing That Already. If It Means To Act Like You’re Exempt From Society’s Influence, That’s The Worst Advice In The World; You Would Probably Stop Bathing And Wearing Clothes. The Advice To ‘be Yourself’ Is Obviously Nonsense. But Our Brains Accept This Tripe As Wisdom Because It Is More Comfortable To Believe We Have A Strategy For Life Than To Believe We Have No Idea How To Behave.

Needing Someone Is Like Needing A Parachute. If They Are Not There The First Time You Need Them, Chances Are You Won't Be Needing Them Again.

Needing Someone

The Amount Of Energy Spent Laughing At A Joke Should Be Directly Proportional To The Hierarchical Status Of The Joke Teller.

Methods For Predicting The Future: 1) Read Horoscopes, Tea Leaves, Tarot Cards, Or Crystal Balls . . . Collectively Known As "nutty Methods;" 2) Put Well-researched Facts Into Sophisticated Computer . . . Commonly Referred To As "a Complete Waste Of Time."

Continuing To Believe The Same Thing, Even In The Face Of New Evidence To The Contrary, Is The Definition Of Insanity - Except In Politics Where It's Called Leadership.

When Did Ignorance Become A Point Of View?

I Keep Hearing The Argument That Some Things Are Constitutional While Other Things Are Not. The Idea Is That We Should Be In Favor Of All The Things That Were Decided Over 200 Years Ago By A Bunch Of Slave-owning Cross-dressers Who Pooped In Holes.

When Life Gives You Lemons... Choke On Them And Die... You Stupid Lemon Eater.

Give A Man A Fish, And You'll Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish, And He'll Buy A Funny Hat. Talk To A Hungry Man About Fish, And You're A Consultant.

Your Business Clothes Are Naturally Attracted To Staining Liquids. This Attraction Is Strongest Just Before An Important Meeting.

I Can't Memorize Names And Shake Hands At The Same Time.

Management Is Nature's Way Of Removing Idiots From The Productive Flow.

A Rental Car Is Basically An Ashtray On Wheels.

The Best Any Human Can Do Is To Pick A Delusion That Helps Him Get Through The Day

Always Remember That As Long As Other People Are Gullible, There's No Limit To What You Can Achieve.

Every Year, It Takes More Brains To Navigate This Complicated World. More People Are Falling Below What I Call The 'incompetence Line' Through No Fault Of Their Own.

If You're Following The News, You Know That The Major Religions Differ In Their Interpretation Of The Holy Books. For Example, One Way To Interpret God's Will Is That You Should Love Your Neighbor. An Alternate Reading Of The Holy Books Might Lead You To Rig A Donkey Cart With Small Mortar Rockets And Aim It At A Hotel Full Of Infidels. In Summary, Po-tay-to, Poh-tah-to. Religions Are Very Flexible.

Technology: No Place For Wimps!

'dilbert' Became Popular During The Downsizing Of The '90s, And Job Security Was A Major Theme Of The Strip.

Failure Is Where Success Likes To Hide In Plain Sight.

We Must Develop Knowledge Optimization Initiatives To Leverage Our Key Learnings.

I Think The Pleasure Of Completed Work Is What Makes Blogging So Popular. You Have To Believe Most Bloggers Have Few If Any Actual Readers. The Writers Are In It For Other Reasons. Blogging Is Like Work, But Without Coworkers Thwarting You At Every Turn. All You Get Is The Pleasure Of A Completed Task.

The Human Population Is 90% Gullible, Violence-prone Dipshits.

Scientists Will Eventually Stop Flailing Around With Solar Power And Focus Their Efforts On Harnessing The Only Truly Unlimited Source Of Energy On The Planet: Stupidity. I Predict That In The Future, Scientists Will Learn How To Convert Stupidity Into Clean Fuel.

If Your Boss Gets Drunk And Offers To Photocopy Her Posterior, Do Not Helpfully Suggest Pressing Reduce 75%.

Man Is A Game Playing Animal And A Computer Is Another Way To Play Games.

There Is No Idea So Bad That It Cannot Be Made To Look Brilliant With The Proper Application Of Fonts And Color.

There Are Very Few Personal Problems That Cannot Be Solved Through A Suitable Application Of High Explosives.

I Have A Perverse Attraction To Risk. Not Physical Risk But Emotional, Financial Risk - Anything Than Can't Kill You Immediately.

We Know The Goats Are Imported Because They Don't Speak English.

I Believe Everybody In The World Should Have Guns. Citizens Should Have Bazookas And Rocket Launchers Too. I Believe That All Citizens Should Have Their Weapons Of Choice. However, I Also Believe That Only I Should Have The Ammunition. Because Frankly, I Wouldn't Trust The Rest Of The Goobers With Anything More Dangerous Than String.

I Have Infinite Capacity To Do More Work As Long As You Don't Mind That My Quality Approaches Zero.

Stress Is Your Body's Way Of Saying You Haven't Worked Enough Unpaid Overtime.

One Way To Compensate For A Tiny Brain Is To Pretend To Be Dead.

It Is Better For Your Career To Do Nothing, Than To Do Something And Attract Criticism.

Every Generation Of Humans Believed It Had All The Answers It Needed, Except For A Few Mysteries They Assumed Would Be Solved At Any Moment. And They All Believed Their Ancestors Were Simplistic And Deluded. What Are The Odds That You Are The First Generation Of Humans Who Will Understand Reality ?

Reporters Are Faced With The Daily Choice Of Painstakingly Researching Stories Or Writing Whatever People Tell Them. Both Approaches Pay The Same.

I'm Surrendering Myself To The Realities Of The Internet.

For Most Of My Career I Did One Comic A Day, Every Day, Including Weekends And Holidays.

In The Future, Airplanes Will Be Flown By A Dog And A Pilot. And The Dog's Job Will Be To Make Sure That If The Pilot Tries To Touch Any Of The Buttons, The Dog Bites Him.

You Already Barely Exist. Disappearing Entirely Won't Be That Much Of A Change.

A Person With A Flexible Schedule And Average Resources Will Be Happier Than A Rich Person Who Has Everything Except A Flexible Schedule. Step One In Your Search For Happiness Is To Continually Work Toward Having Control Of Your Schedule.

In The Future, It Will Become Increasingly Obvious That Your Competitors Are Just As Clueless As You Are.

Life Is Half Delicious Yogurt, Half Crap, And Your Job Is To Keep The Plastic Spoon In The Yogurt.

Creativity Is Allowing Yourself To Make Mistakes. Art Is Knowing Which Ones To Keep.

Ideas Are Cheap. A Dime A Dozen, As They Say. It's The Implementation That's Important! The Trick Isn't Just To Have A Computer Game Idea, But To Actually Create It!

There's A Fine Line Between Marketing And Grand Theft.

Great Minds Don't Think Alike. If They Did, The Patent Office Would Only Have About Fifty Inventions.

Women Are Treated Differently By Society For Exactly The Same Reason That Children And The Mentally Handicapped Are Treated Differently.

Never Base Your Budget Requests On Realistic Assumptions, As This Could Lead To A Decrease In Your Funding.

Remember There's No Such Thing As A Small Act Of Kindness. Every Act Creates A Ripple With No Logical End.

For Our Purposes, Let’s Say A Goal Is A Specific Objective That You Either Achieve Or Don’t Sometime In The Future. A System Is Something You Do On A Regular Basis That Increases Your Odds Of Happiness In The Long Run. If You Do Something Every Day, It’s A System. If You’re Waiting To Achieve It Someday In The Future, It’s A Goal.

He Changed More Times Than A Baby In A Beer-drinking Contest.

The Maintenance Man Is Moving The Thermostat In Our Office Today. I Started Talking With Him About The

If You Don't Believe Your Salmon Is Wild, Ask It To Fetch Your Newspaper And See What Happens.

Science Is A Good Thing. News Reporters Are Good Things Too. But It's Never A Good Idea To Put Them In The Same Room.

I Would Sometimes Sit In A Crowded Restaurant, And Say, 'you Know, I'm The Only Person In This Restaurant Who Can't Draw.'

The Best Part About Being My Age Is In Knowing How My Life Worked Out. Sure, There's A Lot More Living To Go, But There Isn't Much Doubt That I'll Always Be The 'dilbert Guy.' Unless I Go On A Crime Spree, In Which Case I'll Be That Stabbin Dilbert Guy.

E-books Are Impervious To Analogy.

The Greenest Home Is The One You Don't Build. If You Really Want To Save The Earth, Move In With Another Family And Share A House That's Already Built. Better Yet, Live In The Forest And Eat Whatever The Squirrels Don't Want.

My Investments Have Been Hurt.

The Main Difference Between Marketing And Fraud Is That Criminals Have To Pay For Their Own Alcohol.

Scientists Often Invent Words To Fill The Holes In Their Understanding.these Words Are Meant As Conveniences Until Real Understanding Can Be Found. ... Words Such As Dimension And Field And Infinity ... Are Not Descriptions Of Reality, Yet We Accept Them As Such Because Everyone Is Sure Someone Else Knows What The Words Mean.

In Less Enlightened Times, The Best Way To Impress Women Was To Own A Hot Car.

Moslem: People Who Believe Suicide Is A Good Way To Get Laid.

I'm Slowly Becoming A Convert To The Principle That You Can't Motivate People To Do Things, You Can Only Demotivate Them. The Primary Job Of The Manager Is Not To Empower But To Remove Obstacles.

He Was Deader Than A Shrunken Head At A Hackey Sack Festival.

Informed Decision-making Comes From A Long Tradition Of Guessing And Then Blaming Others For Inadequate Results.

The First Time You See Something That You Have Never Seen Before, You Almost Always Know Right Away If You Should Eat It Or Run Away From It.

Priority-wise, It Simply Makes Sense To Take Care Of Yourself Before You Start Searching For A Higher Meaning. You Aren't Much Good To Anyone Else If You're Unhealthy, A Financial Burden, Or An Emotional Basket Case. Fix Yourself Before You Turn Outward. It's Best For Everyone.

Failure Is A Resource That Can Be Managed.

In Yesterday's Post, I Asked How Many Of You Guys Would Have Sex With A Robot If It Was Indistinguishable From A Hot Human Woman. About 95% Of The Hetero Guys Said They Would. The Other 5% Expressed A Strong Preference For Lying.

You're Thinking I'm One Of Those Wise-ass California Vegetarians Who Is Going To Tell You That Eating A Few Strips Of Bacon Is Bad For Your Health. I'm Not. I Say Its A Free Country And You Should Be Able To Kill Yourself At Any Rate You Choose, As Long As Your Cold Dead Body Is Not Blocking My Driveway.

We're A Planet Of Nearly Six Billion Ninnies Living In A Civilization That Was Designed By A Few Thousand Amazingly Smart Deviants.

You Don't Have To Be A 'person Of Influence' To Be Influential. In Fact, The Most Influential People In My Life Are Probably Not Even Aware Of The Things They've Taught Me.

Inspirational Life

Always Postpone Meetings With Time-wasting Morons

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Ratbert (as Lab Rat, To Scientist): Doc, We Have To Talk. Every Day You Feed Me Over A Hundred Pounds Of Macaroni And Cheese. At First I Thought You Were Just Being A Good Host. But Lately I've Been Thinking It Could Be Something Far More Sinister.

The Best You Can Hope For In A Relationship Is To Find Someone Whose Flaws Are The Sort You Don’t Mind. It Is Futile To Look For Someone Who Has No Flaws, Or Someone Who Is Capable Of Significant Change; That Sort Of Person Exists Only In Our Imaginations.

Significant Change

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, And Avoid Disappointment.

The Surest Way To Identify Those Who Won't Succeed At Weight Loss Is That They Tend To Say Things Like "my Goal Is To Lose Ten Pounds." Weight Targets Often Work In The Short Run. But If You Need Willpower To Keep The Weight Off, You're Doomed In The Long Run. The Only Way To Succeed In The Long Run Is By Using A System That Bypasses Your Need For Willpower.

Highly Intelligent And Well-informed People Disagree On Every Political Issue. Therefore, Intelligence And Knowledge Are Useless For Making Decisions, Because If Any Of That Stuff Helped, Then All The Smart People Would Have The Same Opinions. So Use Your "gut Instinct" To Make Voting Choices. That Is Exactly Like Being Clueless, But With The Added Advantage That You'll Feel As If Your Random Vote Preserved Democracy.

The People Who Think A Guy Walked On Water Versus The People Who Think A Horse Can Fly.

The Best Plan Now Is To Have As Many Bosses As Possible. I Call It Boss Diversity. If You Work For A Company And You Have One Boss And That Boss Doesn't Like You Or Wants To Get Rid Of You, You're In Trouble. But If You Work For Yourself, You Have Lots Of Bosses, Who Are Your Customers, And If A Few Of Them Decide They Don't Like You, That's Okay.

The Best Part About Being My Age Is In Knowing How My Life Worked Out.

Computers And Rocket Ships Are Examples Of Invention, Not Of Understanding. ... All That Is Needed To Build Machines Is The Knowledge That When One Thing Happens, Another Thing Happens As A Result. It's An Accumulation Of Simple Patterns. A Dog Can Learn Patterns. There Is No "why&rdqo"; In Those Examples. We Don't Understand Why Electricity Travels. We Don't Know Why Light Travels At A Constant Speed Forever. All We Can Do Is Observe And Record Patterns.

The Best Any Human Can Do Is To Pick A Delusion That Helps Him Get Through The Day. This Is Why People Of Different Religions Can Generally Live In Peace. At Some Level, We All Suspect That Other People Don't Believe Their Own Religion Any More Than We Believe Ours.

Lately, The Only Thing Keeping Me From Being A Serial Killer Is My Distaste For Manual Labor.

I Think You Should Live Your Life So That The Maximum Number Of People Will Attend Your Funeral.

Every Credible Scientist On Earth Says Your Products Harm The Environment. I Recommend Paying Weasels To Write Articles Casting Doubt On The Data. Then Eat The Wrong Kind Of Foods And Hope You Die Before The Earth Does.

The Job Isn't Done Until You've Blamed Someone For The Parts That Went Wrong.

One Of The Great Things About Being Ignorant Is That I Often Think My Ideas Are Original. It's A Wonderful Feeling. That's Why I Try To Avoid Any Knowledge That Would Spoil The Sensation. Sometimes It Isn't Easy. People Keep Hurling Knowledge At Me, And I Can't Always Duck.

When You Hire That First Person, Then You're A Boss. You've Got Performance Reviews. You've Got Complaints About Not Making Enough Money. You've Got People Who Are Just Going To Sell Your Story To The Tabloids.

I Get Mail; Therefore I Am.

My Philosophy Is That Every Phone Conversation Has A Loser.

And Bring Me A Hard Copy Of The Internet So I Can Do Some Serious Surfing.

I Wish I Were Dumber So I Could Be More Certain About My Opinions. It Looks Fun.

The Dilbert Principle: People Are Idiots.

No Matter How Smart You Are, You Spend Much Of Your Day Being An Idiot.

We Expect Others To Act Rationally Even Though We Are Irrational.

I Calculated The Total Time That Humans Have Waited For Web Pages To Load. It Cancels Out All The Productivity Gains Of The Information Age. Sometimes I Think The Web Is A Big Plot To Keep People Like Me Away From Normal Society.

I Had Several Different Bosses During The Early Years Of 'dilbert.' They Were All Pretty Sure I Was Mocking Someone Else.

I Believe In Karma... That Means I Can Do Bad Things To You All Day Long And Assume You Deserve It.

Your Best Work Involves Timing. If Someone Wrote The Best Hip Hop Song Of All Time In The Middle Ages, He Had Bad Timing.

If You Think It's Easy To Write Jokes About Fried Calamari, You've Probably Never Tried.

Of Course I Don't Look Busy, I Did It Right The First Time.

The Computer Cuts My Production Time In Half. I Love It.

The Marketing Department Uses Many Advanced Techniques To Match Products And Buyers In A Way That Mximizes Profits. For Example, They Give Away Keychains.

Dilbert: You Joined The "flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I Believe The Earth Must Be Flat. There Is No Good Evidence To Support The So-called "round Earth Theory." Dilbert: I Think Christopher Columbus Would Disagree. Dogbert: How Convenient That Your Best Witness Is Dead.

I'm Not Happy On Vacation. In Those Rare Times When I Have Three Hours With No Work I Have To Do, I'm Terribly Uncomfortable.

The Ability To Work Hard And Make Sacrifices Comes Naturally To Those Who Know Exactly What They Want.

If You Spend All Your Time Arguing With People Who Are Nuts, You'll Be Exhausted And The Nuts Will Still Be Nuts.

You Can Never Underestimate The Stupidity Of The General Public.

I Burned Out My Drawing Hand By Using It Too Much. The Common Word For It Is Writer's Cramp. The Fancy Words For It Are Focal Dystonia. The Symptom In My Case Was A Pinky Finger That Went Spastic When I Tried To Draw.

These Days It Seems Like Any Idiot With A Laptop Computer Can Churn Out A Business Book And Make A Few Bucks. That's Certainly What I'm Hoping. It Would Be A Real Letdown If The Trend Changed Before This Masterpiece Goes To Print.

I'm Curious How You'll Know It Works. I Assume It's Mostly A Cosmetic Change.

There's A Fine Line Between Participation And Mockery.

You Don't Argue With A Four-year Old About Why He Shouldn't Eat Candy For Dinner. You Don't Punch A Mentally Handicapped Guy Even If He Punches You First. And You Don't Argue When A Women Tells You She's Only Making 80 Cents To Your Dollar. It's The Path Of Least Resistance. You Save Your Energy For More Important Battles.

As A Fan, I'm Distraught, But As A Cartoonist Looking At New Vacant Spaces In 2400 Newspapers, Well, Behind Me, My Cats Are Dancing A Conga Line.

The Best Things In Life Are Silly.

Some Physicists Describe Gravity In Terms Of Ten Dimensions All Curled Up. But Those Aren't Real Words-just Placeholders, Used To Refer To Parts Of Abstract Equations.

Writers Tend To Work Early In The Morning, Or Late At Night, When Brains Are Naturally Able To Focus Deeply On One Thought. In The Middle Of The Day, Distractions Are Unavoidable. I Wonder If Anything Worthwhile Has Ever Been Written In The Afternoon.

The Core Belief That Drives Terrorism Is The Notion Of A "holy Place," Along With The Idea That Some People Belong There And Other People Don't. That's Why The Only Solution To Terrorism Is For Religious Scholars To Hold A Global Summit To Agree On The Definition Of "holy Place." Once They Agree On A Definition, It Will Be Easier To Mock It Into Submission.

One Dilbert Blog Reader Noted That Current Research Shows That Happiness Causes Success More Than Success Causes Happiness. That Makes Sense To Me. There's Plenty Of Research About People Having A Baseline Of Happiness That Doesn't Vary Much With Circumstances. And Given That Happy People Are Typically Optimistic, Energetic, And Fun To Work With, I Can See How Happiness Would Lead To Success.

Remind People That Profit Is The Difference Between Revenue And Expense. This Makes You Look Smart.

Stem Cells Are Like Toenail Clippings With A Better Career Plan.

If There Are No Stupid Questions, Then What Kind Of Questions Do Stupid People Ask? Do They Get Smart Just In Time To Ask Questions?

My Old Life - No Amount Of Getting Used To It Would Have Made It Right.

This Happens To Me: I Have This Great Idea And Then I Make The Mistake Of Telling Someone Else.

Nothing Inspires Forgiveness Quite Like Revenge.

Remember, Freedom Is Always Taken, Never Given.

Dogbert Gazing At Night Sky No Matter How Bad The Day Is, The Stars Are Always There. Dilbert Actually, Many Of Them Burned Out Years Ago, But Their Light Is Just Now Reaching Earth. Dogbertthank You For Shattering My Comfortable Misconception. Dilbertit's The Miracle Of Science.

Dance Like It Hurts. Love Like You Need Money. Work When People Are Watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

Beware Of Those Who Try To Sell You Simple Answers To Complex Questions.

In Fact, Most People Are Being Squeezed In Their Little Cubicle, And Their Creativity Is Forced Out Elsewhere, Because The Company Can't Use It. The Company Is Organized To Get Rid Of Variants.

I've Always Defined Myself Not As A Cartoonist , But As An Entrepreneur. That Was True Before I Tried Cartooning. I Always Imagined Cartooning Would Be How I Got My Seed Capital. I Always Thought My Other Businesses Would Be The Less Dominant Part Of My Life.

In Less Enlightened Times, The Best Way To Impress Women Was To Own A Hot Car. But Women Wised Up And Realized It Was Better To Buy Their Own Hot Cars So They Wouldn't Have To Ride Around With Jerks.

Dilbert: I'm Obsessed With Inventing A Perpetual Motion Machine. Most Scientists Think It's Impossible, But I Have Something They Don't. Dogbert: A Lot Of Spare Time? Dilbert: Exactly.

Everybody Is Somebody's Else's Weirdo

I Respectfully Decline The Invitation To Join Your Hallucination.

Blogging Is Like Work, But Without Coworkers Thwarting You At Every Turn.

Engineers Like To Solve Problems. If There Are No Problems Handily Available, They Will Create Their Own Problems.

Dogbert: So, Since Columbus Is Dead, You Have No Evidence That The Earth Is Round. Dilbert: Look. You Can Ask Senator John Glenn. He Orbited The Earth When He Was An Astronaut. Dogbert: So, Your Theory Depends On The Honesty Of Politicians. Dilbert: Yes... No, Wait.

I Love You Like A Fat Kid Loves Cake!

The Only Risk Of Failure Is Promotion.

If You Have Any Trouble Sounding Condescending, Find A Unix User To Show You How It's Done.

Condescension And

Reality Is Always Controlled By The People Who Are The Most Insane.

Simple Molecules Combine To Make Powerful Chemicals. Simple Cells Combine To Make Powerful Life-forms. Simple Electronics Combine To Make Powerful Computers. Logically, All Things Are Created By A Combination Of Simpler, Less Capable Components. Therefore, A Supreme Being Must Be In Our Future, Not Our Origin. What If "god" Is The Consciousness That Will Be Created When Enough Of Us Are Connected By The Internet?!!

Crackpot Is An Excellent Job Because The Expectations Are So Low. No One Ever Tells Crackpots That They Should Be Doing More.

To Err Is Human. To Cover It Up Is Weasel.

If A Job's Worth Doing, It's Too Hard.

For The Record, I Am Not A Nut. I Am An Optimist. That's Exactly Like A Nut Except With A Better Attitude.

As A Rule, I Don't Like To Laugh At The Misfortune Of Others. The Exception To That Rule Is If It's Really, Really Funny.

Misfortunes Of Others

Am I Getting Smart With You? How Would You Know?

When Times Are Bad, The Gloves Come Off And Employers Are Less Nice. People Become Disposable.

Most Success Springs From An Obstacle Or Failure.

If Our Mushrooms Make You Hallucinate, Please Inform Us Immediately So We Can Overcharge You.

Tell Me What You Need, And I'll Tell You How To Get Along Without It.

Frankly, I’m Suspicious Of Anyone Who Has A Strong Opinion On A Complicated Issue.

Be Careful That What You Write Does Not Offend Anybody Or Cause Problems Within The Company. The Safest Approach Is To Remove All Useful Information.

Work Is Like The Rest Of Life. The Best Parts Are Free.

On The Fourth Day Of Telecommuting, I Realized That Clothes Are Totally Unnecessary.

By Definition, Risk-takers Often Fail. So Do Morons. In Practice It's Difficult To Sort Them Out.

You Might Argue That My Example Is Bad Because Einstein Is Dead. But According To Physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein Is Neither Dead Nor Alive Until We Dig Him Up And Open The Casket. If He's Alive, He Might Want His Brain Back, Which I Understand Is In A Ziplock Bag In Some Guy's Freezer. And This Is A Perfect Example Of Why Examples Always Distract From The Main Point.

On The Keyboard Of Life, Always Keep One Finger On The Escape Key.

One Of The Reasons Why You Like To Do Your Own Drawings Is, Your Style Changes Over Time. And There's Something About That That Keeps It Fresh To The Viewer.

It's Hard To Argue With The Government. Remember, They Are They Run The Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco And Firearms, So They Must Know A Thing Or Two About Satisfying Women.

The Best Way To Compile Inaccurate Information That No One Wants Is To Make It Up.

Men Live In A Fantasy World. I Know This Because I Am One, And I Actually Receive My Mail There

Everything You Learn Becomes A Shortcut For Understanding Something Else.

Have You Ever Noticed That Things That Don’t Kill You Make You Weaker? And Great Minds Don’t Think Alike. If They Did, The Patent Office Would Only Have About Fifty Inventions. I Started Getting Suspicious When I Cried Over Spilt Milk And The Cashier Took It Off My Bill.” - Wally

Obviously There's Not Much Options When You're A Cartoonist - You Pretty Much Either Work At Home Or Rent An Office I Guess, And Working At Home Just Seems Easier.

There's A Gigantic Gray Area Between Good Moral Behavior And Outright Felonious Activities. I Call That The Weasel Zone And It's Where Most Of Life Happens.

If Free Will Exists, Why Do The Tallest Candidates With The Best Hair Usually Win Elections ?

Why Aren't You Signed Up For The 401k? I'd Never Be Able To Run That Far.

Inspirational Running

Free Will Is An Illusion. People Always Choose The Perceived Path Of Greatest Pleasure.

Beware The Advice Of Successful People; They Do Not Seek Company.

Let's Form Proactive Synergy Restructuring Teams.

The Human Mind Is A Delusion Generator, Not A Window To Trurh.

A Matador Is A Guy Who Didn't Have Enough People Skills To Be Promoted To Serial Killer.

Our Perceptions Of Truth Are Built Around What Is Practical, Not What Is True. Even The Smartest Human Brain Doesn't Have The Capacity For Discerning True Facts. That's Why So Many Of Us Settle For Scientific Facts. It's The Best We Can Do.

I Try To Avoid Giving Advice.

In Case The Rest Of You Missed It, The Inspirational Speech Was: 'if You Work Hard, You Can Achieve Great Things. And Then You Die'.

For Five Hundred Dollars, I'll Name A Subatomic Particle After You. Some Of My Satisfied Customers Include Arthur C. Quark And George Meson.

There Are Always Deadlines I Have To Meet. I Don't Let Myself Get Too Close To The Deadlines, So It's Not Like I'm Just Sweating Bullets Or Anything If The Clock Is Ticking. I Never Let Myself Get In That Situation.

Clock Is Ticking

To The Engineer, All Matter In The Universe Can Be Placed Into One Of Two Categories: (1) Things That Need To Be Fixed, And (2) Things That Will Need To Be Fixed After You've Had A Few Minutes To Play With Them. If There Are No Problems Handily Available, They Will Create Their Own Problems. Normal People Don't Understand This Concept; They Believe That If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It. Engineers Believe That If It Ain't Broke, It Doesn't Have Enough Features Yet.

The Creator Of The Universe Works In Mysterious Ways. But He Uses A Base Ten Counting System And Likes Round Numbers.

Mysterious Universe

Boss: I Just Heard That Light Travels Faster Than Sound. I'm Wondering If I Should Shout When I Speak, Just So My Lips Appear To Sync-up With My Words.

Newsreader: A Huge Asteroid Could Destroy Earth! And By Coincidence, That's The Subject Of Tonight's Miniseries. Dogbert: In Science, Researchers Proved That This Simple Device Can Keep Idiots Off Your Television Screen. [tv Remote Control] Click.

Your Shower Is Ready - I Turned It On Last Night.

Caring About The Quality Of Your Work Causes Stress. Stress Can Kill You. Maintain Good Health By Remembering That The Stockholders Are Complete Strangers Who Have Never Done Anything For You.

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