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Every Year, It Takes More Brains To Navigate This Complicated World. More People Are Falling Below What I Call The 'incompetence Line' Through No Fault Of Their Own.

-Scott Adams

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Every Year, It Takes

Scott Adams

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Every Year, It Takes More Brains To Navigate This Complicated World. More People Are Falling Below What I Call The 'incompetence Line' Through No Fault Of Their Own.

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I Think You Should Live Your Life So That The Maximum Number Of People Will Attend Your Funeral.

The Dilbert Principle: People Are Idiots.

If Your Boss Gets Drunk And Offers To Photocopy Her Posterior, Do Not Helpfully Suggest Pressing Reduce 75%.

I Rank Money Higher Than Social Life Or Meaning Because Once You Have Money, Those Other Things Are Easier To Get. For Example, You Won't Have Much Of A Social Life If You Can't Afford To Do Anything. And You Can't Make Money If Your Health Is A Mess.

I Used To Be Stupid But I've Turned That Situation Around 360 Degrees.

Good Advertising Can Make People Buy Your Product Even If It Sucks ... A Dollar Spent On Brainwashing Is More Cost-effective Than A Dollar Spent On Product Improvement.

Give A Man A Fish, And You'll Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish, And He'll Buy A Funny Hat. Talk To A Hungry Man About Fish, And You're A Consultant.

Few Things In Life Are Less Efficient Than A Group Of People Trying To Write A Sentence. The Advantage Of This Method Is That You End Up With Something For Which You Will Not Be Personally Blamed.

Dilbert: I'm Obsessed With Inventing A Perpetual Motion Machine. Most Scientists Think It's Impossible, But I Have Something They Don't. Dogbert: A Lot Of Spare Time? Dilbert: Exactly.

As Long As There Are Annoying People In The World, I Won't Run Out Of Material.

You Don't Argue With A Four-year Old About Why He Shouldn't Eat Candy For Dinner. You Don't Punch A Mentally Handicapped Guy Even If He Punches You First. And You Don't Argue When A Women Tells You She's Only Making 80 Cents To Your Dollar. It's The Path Of Least Resistance. You Save Your Energy For More Important Battles.

Obviously There's Not Much Options When You're A Cartoonist - You Pretty Much Either Work At Home Or Rent An Office I Guess, And Working At Home Just Seems Easier.

The First Time You See Something That You Have Never Seen Before, You Almost Always Know Right Away If You Should Eat It Or Run Away From It.

The Best Part About Being My Age Is In Knowing How My Life Worked Out.

In Case The Rest Of You Missed It, The Inspirational Speech Was: 'if You Work Hard, You Can Achieve Great Things. And Then You Die'.

God Designs People's Emotions So You Fall In Love With People Who, In Return, Wouldn't Even Use Your Hollowed-out Skull For A Spittoon.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, And Avoid Disappointment.

Of Course I Don't Look Busy, I Did It Right The First Time.

Lately, The Only Thing Keeping Me From Being A Serial Killer Is My Distaste For Manual Labor.

You Probably Think Stephen Hawking Is In That Wheelchair Because Of A Motor Neuron Disease. But If You Got As Much Barely-legal Student Poontang As The Hawkster, You'd Be In A Wheelchair Too.

Your Business Clothes Are Naturally Attracted To Staining Liquids. This Attraction Is Strongest Just Before An Important Meeting.

Technology Will Definitely Solve All Our Problems, But In The Process It Will Create Brand New Ones. But That's O.k. Because The Most You Can Expect From Life Is To Get To Solve Better And Better Problems.

Mockery Is An Important Social Tool For Squelching Stupidity. I’ve Never Seen Anyone Change His Mind Because Of The Power Of A Superior Argument Or The Acquisition Of New Facts. But I’ve Seen Plenty Of People Change Behavior To Avoid Being Mocked.

Nothing Inspires Forgiveness Quite Like Revenge.

I Never Knew What An Engineer Did For A Living When I Was A Kid. I Still Don't.

If You Don't Believe Your Salmon Is Wild, Ask It To Fetch Your Newspaper And See What Happens.

Failure Is Where Success Likes To Hide In Plain Sight.

Blogging Is Like Work, But Without Coworkers Thwarting You At Every Turn.

Failure Is A Resource That Can Be Managed.

Beware Of Those Who Try To Sell You Simple Answers To Complex Questions.

What Does It Mean To Be Yourself?” He Asked. “if It Means To Do What You Think You Ought To Do, Then You’re Doing That Already. If It Means To Act Like You’re Exempt From Society’s Influence, That’s The Worst Advice In The World; You Would Probably Stop Bathing And Wearing Clothes. The Advice To ‘be Yourself’ Is Obviously Nonsense. But Our Brains Accept This Tripe As Wisdom Because It Is More Comfortable To Believe We Have A Strategy For Life Than To Believe We Have No Idea How To Behave.

There's Kind Of A Toll You Have To Pay With A Cat; If You Don't Pet Her For 10 Minutes She'll Bother You For Six Hours.

You're Thinking I'm One Of Those Wise-ass California Vegetarians Who Is Going To Tell You That Eating A Few Strips Of Bacon Is Bad For Your Health. I'm Not. I Say Its A Free Country And You Should Be Able To Kill Yourself At Any Rate You Choose, As Long As Your Cold Dead Body Is Not Blocking My Driveway.

We Expect Others To Act Rationally Even Though We Are Irrational.

The Best Plan Now Is To Have As Many Bosses As Possible. I Call It Boss Diversity. If You Work For A Company And You Have One Boss And That Boss Doesn't Like You Or Wants To Get Rid Of You, You're In Trouble. But If You Work For Yourself, You Have Lots Of Bosses, Who Are Your Customers, And If A Few Of Them Decide They Don't Like You, That's Okay.

If You Haven't Already Told Your Kids 'don't Fellate The President' Then You're Probably A Bad Parent.

Stem Cells Are Like Toenail Clippings With A Better Career Plan.

The Best Any Human Can Do Is To Pick A Delusion That Helps Him Get Through The Day. This Is Why People Of Different Religions Can Generally Live In Peace. At Some Level, We All Suspect That Other People Don't Believe Their Own Religion Any More Than We Believe Ours.

Newsreader: A Huge Asteroid Could Destroy Earth! And By Coincidence, That's The Subject Of Tonight's Miniseries. Dogbert: In Science, Researchers Proved That This Simple Device Can Keep Idiots Off Your Television Screen. [tv Remote Control] Click.

For The Record, I Am Not A Nut. I Am An Optimist. That's Exactly Like A Nut Except With A Better Attitude.

I Try To Manage My Day By My Circadian Rhythms Because The Creativity Is Such An Elusive Thing, And I Could Easily Just Stomp Over It Doing My Administrative Stuff.

You Might Think The Word "homemade" Is Just A Word We Use As A Marketing Ploy. But What You Don't Realize Is That The Staff Sleeps Here At Night. If Your Tablecloth Is Wrinkled, That's Why.

Large Corporations Welcome Innovation And Individualism In The Same Way The Dinosaurs Welcomed Large Meteors.

Management Is Nature's Way Of Removing Idiots From The Productive Flow.

The Job Isn't Done Until You've Blamed Someone For The Parts That Went Wrong.

Let's Form Proactive Synergy Restructuring Teams.

I Would Sometimes Sit In A Crowded Restaurant, And Say, 'you Know, I'm The Only Person In This Restaurant Who Can't Draw.'

No Matter How Smart You Are, You Spend Much Of Your Day Being An Idiot.

Dogbert: So, Since Columbus Is Dead, You Have No Evidence That The Earth Is Round. Dilbert: Look. You Can Ask Senator John Glenn. He Orbited The Earth When He Was An Astronaut. Dogbert: So, Your Theory Depends On The Honesty Of Politicians. Dilbert: Yes... No, Wait.

Ideas Are Worthless. Execution Is Everything.

When Virtual Reality Gets Cheaper Than Dating, Society Is Doomed.

If There Are No Stupid Questions, Then What Kind Of Questions Do Stupid People Ask? Do They Get Smart Just In Time To Ask Questions?

The Best Things In Life Are Silly.

If Our Mushrooms Make You Hallucinate, Please Inform Us Immediately So We Can Overcharge You.

As A Fan, I'm Distraught, But As A Cartoonist Looking At New Vacant Spaces In 2400 Newspapers, Well, Behind Me, My Cats Are Dancing A Conga Line.

I'm Not Happy On Vacation. In Those Rare Times When I Have Three Hours With No Work I Have To Do, I'm Terribly Uncomfortable.

Always Remember That As Long As Other People Are Gullible, There's No Limit To What You Can Achieve.

Your Inability To See Other Possibilities And Your Lack Of Vocabulary Are Your Brain's Limits, Not The Universe's.

The Ability To Work Hard And Make Sacrifices Comes Naturally To Those Who Know Exactly What They Want.

By Definition, Risk-takers Often Fail. So Do Morons. In Practice It's Difficult To Sort Them Out.

The Best You Can Hope For In A Relationship Is To Find Someone Whose Flaws Are The Sort You Don’t Mind. It Is Futile To Look For Someone Who Has No Flaws, Or Someone Who Is Capable Of Significant Change; That Sort Of Person Exists Only In Our Imaginations.

Significant Change

In Fact, Most People Are Being Squeezed In Their Little Cubicle, And Their Creativity Is Forced Out Elsewhere, Because The Company Can't Use It. The Company Is Organized To Get Rid Of Variants.

For Most Of My Career I Did One Comic A Day, Every Day, Including Weekends And Holidays.

In Less Enlightened Times, The Best Way To Impress Women Was To Own A Hot Car.

If I Had To Pick One Quality That Best Predicts Success (other Than Wanting To Be Successful) It Would Be The Willingness To Risk Embarrassment.

Reality Is Always Controlled By The People Who Are The Most Insane.

In The Future, It Will Become Increasingly Obvious That Your Competitors Are Just As Clueless As You Are.

There's No Such Thing As Good Ideas And Bad Ideas. There Are Only Your Own Ideas And Other People's. If You Want Someone To Like Your Idea, Tell Him He Said It First Last Week And You Just Remembered It.

A Person With A Flexible Schedule And Average Resources Will Be Happier Than A Rich Person Who Has Everything Except A Flexible Schedule. Step One In Your Search For Happiness Is To Continually Work Toward Having Control Of Your Schedule.

Dilbert: It Took Weeks But I've Calculated A New Theory About The Origin Of The Universe. According To My Calculations It Didn't Start With A "big Bang" At All-it Was More Of "phhbwt" Sound. You May Be Wondering About The Practical Applications Of The "little Phhbwt" Theory. Dogbert: I Was Wondering When You'll Go Away.

Be Careful That What You Write Does Not Offend Anybody Or Cause Problems Within The Company. The Safest Approach Is To Remove All Useful Information.

Moslem: People Who Believe Suicide Is A Good Way To Get Laid.

If You’re Going To Create, Create A Lot. Creativity Is Not Like Playing The Slot Machines, Where Failure To Win Means You Go Home Broke. With Creativity, If You Don’t Win, You’re Usually No Worse Off Than If You Hadn’t Played.

And Bring Me A Hard Copy Of The Internet So I Can Do Some Serious Surfing.

He Was Tenser Than Jesse Jackson On Father's Day.

Recently I Quit Caffeine. My Doctor Seems To Think That 17 Diet Cokes Per Day Is Too Much. In Case You Ever Consider Getting Off Caffeine Yourself, Let Me Explain The Process. You Begin By Sitting Motionlessly In A Desk Chair. Then You Just Keep Doing That Forever Because Life Has No Meaning.

My Philosophy Is That Every Phone Conversation Has A Loser.

Beware The Advice Of Successful People; They Do Not Seek Company.

E-books Are Impervious To Analogy.

It Doesn't Take Many People To Have A Bad Sense Of Humor To Get In Trouble At A Corporation.

The Best Part About Being My Age Is In Knowing How My Life Worked Out. Sure, There's A Lot More Living To Go, But There Isn't Much Doubt That I'll Always Be The 'dilbert Guy.' Unless I Go On A Crime Spree, In Which Case I'll Be That Stabbin Dilbert Guy.

Sadness Is Just Another Word For Not Enough Coffee.

Engineers Like To Solve Problems. If There Are No Problems Handily Available, They Will Create Their Own Problems.

Every Year, It Takes More Brains To Navigate This Complicated World. More People Are Falling Below What I Call The 'incompetence Line' Through No Fault Of Their Own.

The Marketing Department Uses Many Advanced Techniques To Match Products And Buyers In A Way That Mximizes Profits. For Example, They Give Away Keychains.

Dinosaur: I Plan To Use Punctuated Equilibrium To Turn This Zit Into A Third Eye. Catbert: That's Not A Natural Advantage. You'd Better Stay Away From The Fitter Dinosaurs.

The Amount Of Energy Spent Laughing At A Joke Should Be Directly Proportional To The Hierarchical Status Of The Joke Teller.

Frankly, I’m Suspicious Of Anyone Who Has A Strong Opinion On A Complicated Issue.

Have You Ever Noticed That Things That Don’t Kill You Make You Weaker? And Great Minds Don’t Think Alike. If They Did, The Patent Office Would Only Have About Fifty Inventions. I Started Getting Suspicious When I Cried Over Spilt Milk And The Cashier Took It Off My Bill.” - Wally

I Get Mail; Therefore I Am.

The Core Belief That Drives Terrorism Is The Notion Of A "holy Place," Along With The Idea That Some People Belong There And Other People Don't. That's Why The Only Solution To Terrorism Is For Religious Scholars To Hold A Global Summit To Agree On The Definition Of "holy Place." Once They Agree On A Definition, It Will Be Easier To Mock It Into Submission.

I'm Predicting That We'll Finally Have A Computer Will Search My E-mail Automatically And Delete Every Message That Begins With 'thought You'd Be Interested,' And Then Give An Electrical Shock To The Sender To Remind Him Or Her To Stop Send That Kind Of Message.

I Love Magazines. It's Such Mcnugget Kind Of Information.

No Matter How Many Times I Visit New York City, I Am Always Struck By The Same Thing - A Yellow Taxicab.

The Main Difference Between Marketing And Fraud Is That Criminals Have To Pay For Their Own Alcohol.

We Know The Goats Are Imported Because They Don't Speak English.

The Day You Realize That Your Efforts And Rewards Are Not Related, It Really Frees Up Your Calendar.

Dogbert Gazing At Night Sky No Matter How Bad The Day Is, The Stars Are Always There. Dilbert Actually, Many Of Them Burned Out Years Ago, But Their Light Is Just Now Reaching Earth. Dogbertthank You For Shattering My Comfortable Misconception. Dilbertit's The Miracle Of Science.

I Have Infinite Capacity To Do More Work As Long As You Don't Mind That My Quality Approaches Zero.

The Computer Cuts My Production Time In Half. I Love It.

Nothing Defines Humans Better Than Their Willingness To Do Irrational Things In The Pursuit Of Phenomenally Unlikely Payoffs. This Is The Principle Behind Lotteries, Dating, And Religion.

If You Think It's Easy To Write Jokes About Fried Calamari, You've Probably Never Tried.

The Cheesecake Factory Is A Great Business Model, But If You Take Your Wife There For Your 25th Wedding Anniversary, You Might Not Reach Your 26th.

Wedding Anniversary

The Creator Of The Universe Works In Mysterious Ways. But He Uses A Base Ten Counting System And Likes Round Numbers.

Mysterious Universe

For Five Hundred Dollars, I'll Name A Subatomic Particle After You. Some Of My Satisfied Customers Include Arthur C. Quark And George Meson.

Remember There's No Such Thing As A Small Act Of Kindness. Every Act Creates A Ripple With No Logical End.

You Might Argue That My Example Is Bad Because Einstein Is Dead. But According To Physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein Is Neither Dead Nor Alive Until We Dig Him Up And Open The Casket. If He's Alive, He Might Want His Brain Back, Which I Understand Is In A Ziplock Bag In Some Guy's Freezer. And This Is A Perfect Example Of Why Examples Always Distract From The Main Point.

Always Postpone Meetings With Time-wasting Morons

In Japan, Employees Occasionally Work Themselves To Death. It’s Called Karoshi. I Don’t Want That To Happen To Anybody In My Department. The Trick Is To Take A Break As Soon As You See A Bright Light And Hear Dead Relatives Beckon.

If A Job's Worth Doing, It's Too Hard.

Your Best Work Involves Timing. If Someone Wrote The Best Hip Hop Song Of All Time In The Middle Ages, He Had Bad Timing.

Hard Work Is Rewarding. Taking Credit For Other People's Hard Work Is Rewarding And Faster.

Great Minds Don't Think Alike. If They Did, The Patent Office Would Only Have About Fifty Inventions.

I Burned Out My Drawing Hand By Using It Too Much. The Common Word For It Is Writer's Cramp. The Fancy Words For It Are Focal Dystonia. The Symptom In My Case Was A Pinky Finger That Went Spastic When I Tried To Draw.

It's Hard To Argue With The Government. Remember, They Are They Run The Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco And Firearms, So They Must Know A Thing Or Two About Satisfying Women.

Ratbert (as Lab Rat, To Scientist): Doc, We Have To Talk. Every Day You Feed Me Over A Hundred Pounds Of Macaroni And Cheese. At First I Thought You Were Just Being A Good Host. But Lately I've Been Thinking It Could Be Something Far More Sinister.

I Can't Bring Myself To Believe In A God With A Personality Like My Own. I Base That On The Paucity Of Lightning Attacks On People Who Deserve It.

The Best You Can Hope For In This Life Is That Your Delusions Are Benign And Your Compulsions Have Utility.

I Keep Hearing The Argument That Some Things Are Constitutional While Other Things Are Not. The Idea Is That We Should Be In Favor Of All The Things That Were Decided Over 200 Years Ago By A Bunch Of Slave-owning Cross-dressers Who Pooped In Holes.

The Only Risk Of Failure Is Promotion.

Scientists Will Eventually Stop Flailing Around With Solar Power And Focus Their Efforts On Harnessing The Only Truly Unlimited Source Of Energy On The Planet: Stupidity. I Predict That In The Future, Scientists Will Learn How To Convert Stupidity Into Clean Fuel.

There's A Gigantic Gray Area Between Good Moral Behavior And Outright Felonious Activities. I Call That The Weasel Zone And It's Where Most Of Life Happens.

A Matador Is A Guy Who Didn't Have Enough People Skills To Be Promoted To Serial Killer.

The Source Of All Unhappiness Is Other People. As Soon As You Learn To Think Of Other People As Noisy Furniture, The Sooner You Will Be Happy. - Wally's Keynote Speech

I Was Busier Than A Beaver In A Coffee Lake.

My Investments Have Been Hurt.

The World Isn't Fair, But As Long As It's Tilting In My Direction, I Find That There's A Natural Cap To My Righteous Indignation.

I Had Several Different Bosses During The Early Years Of 'dilbert.' They Were All Pretty Sure I Was Mocking Someone Else.

Free Will Is An Illusion. People Always Choose The Perceived Path Of Greatest Pleasure.

The People Who Think A Guy Walked On Water Versus The People Who Think A Horse Can Fly.

Dilbert: Evolution Must Be True Because It Is A Logical Conclusion Of The Scientific Method. Dogbert: But Science Is Based On The Irrational Belief That Because We Cannot Perceive Reality All At Once, Things Called Time And Cause And Effect Exist. Dilbert: That's What I Was Taught And That's What I Believe. Dogbert: Sounds Cultish.

Remind People That Profit Is The Difference Between Revenue And Expense. This Makes You Look Smart.

I Believe Everybody In The World Should Have Guns. Citizens Should Have Bazookas And Rocket Launchers Too. I Believe That All Citizens Should Have Their Weapons Of Choice. However, I Also Believe That Only I Should Have The Ammunition. Because Frankly, I Wouldn't Trust The Rest Of The Goobers With Anything More Dangerous Than String.

We're A Planet Of Nearly Six Billion Ninnies Living In A Civilization That Was Designed By A Few Thousand Amazingly Smart Deviants.

When Did Ignorance Become A Point Of View?

We Live On A Placid Island Of Ignorance In The Midst Of Black Seas Of Infinity, And It Was Not Meant That We Should Voyage Far.

Ask A Deeply Religious Christian If He’d Rather Live Next To A Bearded Muslim That May Or May Not Be Plotting A Terror Attack, Or An Atheist That May Or May Not Show Him How To Set Up A Wireless Network In His House. On The Scale Of Prejudice, Atheists Don’t Seem So Bad Lately.

I Think 'dilbert' Will Remain Popular As Long As Employees Are Frustrated And They Fear The Consequences Of Complaining Too Loudly. 'dilbert' Is The Designated Voice Of Discontent For The Workplace. I Never Planned It That Way. It Just Happened.

There Are Very Few Personal Problems That Cannot Be Solved Through A Suitable Application Of High Explosives.

Simple Molecules Combine To Make Powerful Chemicals. Simple Cells Combine To Make Powerful Life-forms. Simple Electronics Combine To Make Powerful Computers. Logically, All Things Are Created By A Combination Of Simpler, Less Capable Components. Therefore, A Supreme Being Must Be In Our Future, Not Our Origin. What If "god" Is The Consciousness That Will Be Created When Enough Of Us Are Connected By The Internet?!!

If I Liked Food And Disliked Exercise As Much As A 400 Pound Guy, I'd Be A 400 Pound Guy.

To Err Is Human. To Cover It Up Is Weasel.

You Can Never Underestimate The Stupidity Of The General Public.

As Network Administrator I Can Take Down The Network With One Keystroke. It's Just Like Being A Doctor But Without Getting Gooky Stuff On My Paws.

The Longer You Verk Here, Diverse It Gets.

Methods For Predicting The Future: 1) Read Horoscopes, Tea Leaves, Tarot Cards, Or Crystal Balls . . . Collectively Known As "nutty Methods;" 2) Put Well-researched Facts Into Sophisticated Computer . . . Commonly Referred To As "a Complete Waste Of Time."

We Must Develop Knowledge Optimization Initiatives To Leverage Our Key Learnings.

People Are Idiots. Including Me. Everyone Is An Idiot, Not Just The People With The Low Sat Scores. The Only Difference Is That We're Idiots About Different Things At Different Times. No Matter How Smart You Are, You Spend Much Of Your Day Being An Idiot.

The Most Ineffective Workers Are Systematically Moved To The Place Where They Can Do The Least Damage: Management.

The Best Way To Compile Inaccurate Information That No One Wants Is To Make It Up.

Good Ideas Have No Value Because The World Already Has Too Many Of Them. The Market Rewards Execution, Not Ideas.

I'm Curious How You'll Know It Works. I Assume It's Mostly A Cosmetic Change.

The Surest Way To Identify Those Who Won't Succeed At Weight Loss Is That They Tend To Say Things Like "my Goal Is To Lose Ten Pounds." Weight Targets Often Work In The Short Run. But If You Need Willpower To Keep The Weight Off, You're Doomed In The Long Run. The Only Way To Succeed In The Long Run Is By Using A System That Bypasses Your Need For Willpower.

If You Work In The City Long Enough, It Begins To Deal With You On A Personal Level. Streets Reveal Their Moods. Sometimes The Signal Light Loves You. Sometimes They Fight You. When You're Hunting For A New Building, You Hope The City Is On Your Side. You Have To Use A Little Bit Of Thinking--you Might Call It The Process Of Elimination--and You Need A Little Bit Of Instinct, But Not Too Much Of Either. If You Think Too Hard, You Overshoot Your Target And End Up At The Pier Or The Tenderloin. If You Relax And Let The City Help, The Destination Does All The Work For You.

Some People Fear That Technology Will Become More Engaging Than Live Human Interactions. That's Silly; Technology Is Already Way More Interesting Than Other People.

'dilbert' Became Popular During The Downsizing Of The '90s, And Job Security Was A Major Theme Of The Strip.

Informed Decision-making Comes From A Long Tradition Of Guessing And Then Blaming Others For Inadequate Results.

Life Is Half Delicious Yogurt, Half Crap, And Your Job Is To Keep The Plastic Spoon In The Yogurt.

Crackpot Is An Excellent Job Because The Expectations Are So Low. No One Ever Tells Crackpots That They Should Be Doing More.

As You Know, The Best Way To Solve A Problem Is To Identify The Core Belief That Causes The Problem; Then Mock That Belief Until The People Who Hold It Insist That You Heard Them Wrong.

If You're Following The News, You Know That The Major Religions Differ In Their Interpretation Of The Holy Books. For Example, One Way To Interpret God's Will Is That You Should Love Your Neighbor. An Alternate Reading Of The Holy Books Might Lead You To Rig A Donkey Cart With Small Mortar Rockets And Aim It At A Hotel Full Of Infidels. In Summary, Po-tay-to, Poh-tah-to. Religions Are Very Flexible.

The Greenest Home Is The One You Don't Build. If You Really Want To Save The Earth, Move In With Another Family And Share A House That's Already Built. Better Yet, Live In The Forest And Eat Whatever The Squirrels Don't Want.

Tell Me What You Need, And I'll Tell You How To Get Along Without It.

He Was Deader Than A Shrunken Head At A Hackey Sack Festival.

I Respectfully Decline The Invitation To Join Your Hallucination.

Science Is A Good Thing. News Reporters Are Good Things Too. But It's Never A Good Idea To Put Them In The Same Room.

There's A Fine Line Between Marketing And Grand Theft.

The Human Mind Is A Delusion Generator, Not A Window To Trurh.

Continuing To Believe The Same Thing, Even In The Face Of New Evidence To The Contrary, Is The Definition Of Insanity - Except In Politics Where It's Called Leadership.

Ideas Are Cheap. A Dime A Dozen, As They Say. It's The Implementation That's Important! The Trick Isn't Just To Have A Computer Game Idea, But To Actually Create It!

I Try To Avoid Giving Advice.

Just Because No One Has Ever Gotten Better From Spasmodic Dysphonia Before Doesn't Mean I Can't Be The First.

It Is Better For Your Career To Do Nothing, Than To Do Something And Attract Criticism.

Home Is Pretty Utopian.

Highly Intelligent And Well-informed People Disagree On Every Political Issue. Therefore, Intelligence And Knowledge Are Useless For Making Decisions, Because If Any Of That Stuff Helped, Then All The Smart People Would Have The Same Opinions. So Use Your "gut Instinct" To Make Voting Choices. That Is Exactly Like Being Clueless, But With The Added Advantage That You'll Feel As If Your Random Vote Preserved Democracy.

A Rental Car Is Basically An Ashtray On Wheels.

I Hated My Work. It Never Seemed To Me To Be What I Should Be Doing.

You Can Change Only What People Know, Not What They Do.

I Think The Pleasure Of Completed Work Is What Makes Blogging So Popular. You Have To Believe Most Bloggers Have Few If Any Actual Readers. The Writers Are In It For Other Reasons. Blogging Is Like Work, But Without Coworkers Thwarting You At Every Turn. All You Get Is The Pleasure Of A Completed Task.

I Should Have Written That Down. - Dilbert

On The Fourth Day Of Telecommuting, I Realized That Clothes Are Totally Unnecessary.

One Way To Compensate For A Tiny Brain Is To Pretend To Be Dead.

I'm Primarily Just An Investor.

Your Shower Is Ready - I Turned It On Last Night.

In The Future, Airplanes Will Be Flown By A Dog And A Pilot. And The Dog's Job Will Be To Make Sure That If The Pilot Tries To Touch Any Of The Buttons, The Dog Bites Him.

Creativity Is Allowing Yourself To Make Mistakes. Art Is Knowing Which Ones To Keep.

There Are Always Deadlines I Have To Meet. I Don't Let Myself Get Too Close To The Deadlines, So It's Not Like I'm Just Sweating Bullets Or Anything If The Clock Is Ticking. I Never Let Myself Get In That Situation.

Clock Is Ticking

Boss: I Just Heard That Light Travels Faster Than Sound. I'm Wondering If I Should Shout When I Speak, Just So My Lips Appear To Sync-up With My Words.

Everybody Is Somebody's Else's Weirdo

I Discovered What I Call The Bill Gates Effect. That Is, The More Successful You Are, The Uglier You Get.

One Dilbert Blog Reader Noted That Current Research Shows That Happiness Causes Success More Than Success Causes Happiness. That Makes Sense To Me. There's Plenty Of Research About People Having A Baseline Of Happiness That Doesn't Vary Much With Circumstances. And Given That Happy People Are Typically Optimistic, Energetic, And Fun To Work With, I Can See How Happiness Would Lead To Success.

When You Hire That First Person, Then You're A Boss. You've Got Performance Reviews. You've Got Complaints About Not Making Enough Money. You've Got People Who Are Just Going To Sell Your Story To The Tabloids.

The Maintenance Man Is Moving The Thermostat In Our Office Today. I Started Talking With Him About The

Intelligence Is A Measure Of How Well You Function Within Your Level Of Awareness.

There's A Fine Line Between Participation And Mockery.

This Happens To Me: I Have This Great Idea And Then I Make The Mistake Of Telling Someone Else.

In Less Enlightened Times, The Best Way To Impress Women Was To Own A Hot Car. But Women Wised Up And Realized It Was Better To Buy Their Own Hot Cars So They Wouldn't Have To Ride Around With Jerks.

These Days It Seems Like Any Idiot With A Laptop Computer Can Churn Out A Business Book And Make A Few Bucks. That's Certainly What I'm Hoping. It Would Be A Real Letdown If The Trend Changed Before This Masterpiece Goes To Print.

Consultants Have Credibility Because They Are Not Dumb Enough To Work At Your Company.

I Believe In Karma... That Means I Can Do Bad Things To You All Day Long And Assume You Deserve It.

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