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Hubris, N. Every Time I Call You Mine, I Feel Like I'm Forcing It, As If Saying It Can Make It So. As If I'm Reminding You, And Reminding The Universe: Mine. As If That One Word From Me Could Have That Kind Of Power.

-David Levithan

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Hubris, N. Every Time

David Levithan

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Hubris, N. Every Time I Call You Mine, I Feel Like I'm Forcing It, As If Saying It Can Make It So. As If I'm Reminding You, And Reminding The Universe: Mine. As If That One Word From Me Could Have That Kind Of Power.

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Do You Know When You Cross Against Traffic? You Look Down The Street And See A Car Coming, But You Know You Can Get Across Before It Gets To You. So Even Though There’s A Don’t Walk Sign, You Cross Anyway. And There’s Always A Split Second When You Turn And See That Car Coming, And You Know That If You Don’t Continue Moving, It Will All Be Over. That’s How I Feel A Lot Of The Time. I Know I’ll Make It Across. I Always Make It Across. But The Car Is Always There, And I Always Stop To Watch It Coming.

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If You Want To Live Within The Definition Of Your Own Truth, You Have To Choose To Go Through The Initially Painful And Ultimately Comforting Process Of Finding It.

I Was Sixteen And Equipped With The Appropriate Genitalia, So I Cleared That Hurdle Nicely.

Self-esteem Can Be So Exhausting. I Want To Cut My Hair, Change My Clothes, Erase The Pimple From The Near-tip Of My Nose, And Strengthen My Upper-arm Definition, All In The Next Hour.

There's No Way To Release Yourself From A Memory. It Ends When It Wants To End, Whether It's In A Flash Or Long After You've Begged It To Stop.

Feeling Someone Else's Anger Is Bad; Being Left Alone Is Worse.

Once The Storm Comes Out, The Landscape Changes. What You Had Before Is Altered In Some Way. And You Have A Choice: Build Something New And Better From What Is Left Or Abandon It.

We Remember What It Was Like To Meet Someone New. We Remember What It Was Like To Grant Someone Possibility. You Look Out From Your Own World And Then You Step Into His, Not Really Knowing What You’ll Find There, But Hoping It Will Be Something Good. Both Ryan And Avery Are Doing This. You Step Into His World And You Don’t Even Realize Your Loneliness Is Missing. You’ve Left It Behind, And You Don’t Notice Because You Have No Desire To Turn Back.

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Because That's The Thing About Mean People: They Make You Think That The World Will Never Work, That There Are Divides That You Will Fall Into If You Approach. It Takes A Whole Lot Of Good People To Fill In The Breach Created By A Single Mean One.

My Mother Said I Should Have A 'change Of Scenery.' The Word Scenery Made Be Think Of A Play. And As We Were Driving Around, It Made Sense That Way. Because No Matter How Much The Scenery Changed, We Were Still On The Same Stage.

You Can Give Words, But You Can't Take Them. And When Words Are Given, That Is When They Are Shared. We Remember What That Was Like. Words So Real They Were Almost Tangible. There Are Conversations You Remember, For Certain. But More Than That, There Is The Sensation Of Conversation. You Will Remember That, Even When The Precise Words Begin To Blur.

This Is As Much A Part Of My Story As Anything Else. Friendship Is Love As Much As Any Romance.

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And I Find Myself Saying, “it Wasn’t Really About Her.” And Finding It’s True. What Do You Mean?” Norah Asks. It Was About The Feeling, You Know? She Caused It In Me, But It Wasn’t About Her. It Was About My Reaction, What I Wanted To Feel And Then Convinced Myself That I Felt, Because I Wanted It That Bad. That Illusion. It Was Love Because I Created It As Love.

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There Are Times I Think Of Us All And I Wish We Were Back In Second Grade. Not Really That Young. But I Wish It Felt Like Second Grade. I’m Not Saying Everyone Was Friends Back Then. But We All Got Along. There Were Groups, But They Didn’t Really Divide. At The End Of The Day, Your Class Was Your Class, And You Felt Like You Were A Part Of It. You Had Your Friends And You Had The Other Kids, But You Didn’t Really Hate Anyone Longer Than A Couple Of Hours. Everybody Got A Birthday Card. In Second Grade, We Were All In It Together. Now We’re All Apart.

Hubris, N. Every Time I Call You Mine, I Feel Like I'm Forcing It, As If Saying It Can Make It So. As If I'm Reminding You, And Reminding The Universe: Mine. As If That One Word From Me Could Have That Kind Of Power.

For I Have Never Wanted A Lover, But I Have Always Wanted To Love, And To Be Loved.

We Wish We Could Have Been There For You. We Didn't Have Many Role Models Of Our Own--we Latched On To The Foolish Love Of Oscar Wilde And The Well-versed Longing Of Walt Whitman Because Nobody Else Was There To Show Us An Untortured Path. We Were Going To Be Your Role Models. We Were Going To Give You Art And Music And Confidence And Shelter And A Much Better World. Those Who Survived Lived To Do This. But We Haven't Been There For You. We've Been Here. Watching As You Become The Role Models.

I Think One Of The Highest Compliments You Can Give A Person Is That When You Are Talking To Him, You Are Not Thinking About The Fact That You Are Talking To Him. That Is, Your Thoughts And Words All Exist On A Single, Engaged Level. You Are Being Yourself Because You Aren't Bothering To Think About Who You Should Be. It Is Like When You Talk In A Dream.

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Incessant Adj. The Doubts. You Had To Save Me From My Constant Doubts. That Deep-seeded Feeling That I Wasn't Good Enough For Anything I Was A Fake At My Job I Wasn't Your Equal My Friends Would Forget Me If I Moved Away For A Month. It Wasn't As Easy As Hearing Voices Nobody Was Telling Me This. It Was Just Something I Knew. Everyone Else Was Playing Along But I Was Sure That One Day They Would All Stop.

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I've Lost Track Of Where Friendship Ends And Falling Begins. (this Is The Foolish Refrain Of The Hopelessly Devoted.) There Are Times I Want To Kiss You Midsentence. Undo The Not-doing With One Gesture.

I Cannot Think Of A Single Word To Describe What We Feel. I Think We All Feel It, To Varying Degrees. Perhaps In Some Other Language There Is A Word For 'the World Is Terribly Wrong.' That Feeling Of Stun And Unbelief And Abandonment And Shock And Horror And Distress.

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New Relationship

She Is So Lost In Her Sadness That She Has No Idea How Visible It Is.

You Make It A Production. Slam Doors. Knock Things Over. Scream. But I Just Leave. Even If I'm Still Standing There, I Leave. I Am Refusing You. I Am Denying You. I Am An Adjective That Is Quickly Turning Into A Noun.

I Have Learned How To Observe, Far Better Than Most People Observe. I Am Not Blinded By The Past Or Motivated By The Future. I Focus On The Present, Because That Is Where I Am Destined To Live.

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Healthy, Adj. There Are Times When I'm Alone That I Think, This Is It. This Is Actually The Natural State. All I Need Are My Thoughts And My Small Acts Of Creation And My Ability To Go Or Do Whatever I Want To Go Or Do. I Am Myself, And That Is The Point. Pairing Is A Social Construction. It Is By No Means Necessary For Everyone To Do It. Maybe I'm Better Like This. Maybe I Could Live My Life In My Own World, And Then Simply Leave It When It's Time To Go.

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Serrated, Adj. And You Said, "i'm Not Sure We Can.

"i Want You To Spend The Night," You Said. And It Was Definitely Your Phrasing That Ensured It. If You Had Said, "let's Have Sex," Or "let's Go To My Place," Or Even "i Really Want You," I'm Not Sure We Would Have Gone Quite As Far As We Did. But I Loved The Notion That The Night Was Mine To Spend, And I Immediately Decided To Spend It With You.

Breathtaking, Adj. Those Moments When We Kiss And Surrender For An Hour Before We Say A Single Word.

But I Want To Feel Like Life Matters. I Had Something Real With You, But Then The Realness Scared Me. I Decided To Go For Other Things Instead.

We Just Want To Walk. Our Legs Need To Move To Keep Our Minds From Collapsing.

Tiny: Did Someone Die? Me: Yeah, I Did. He Smiles Again At That. Tiny: Well, Then... Welcome To The Afterlife.

I Hope Suffering Don't Exist.

It's Like, You Know How Sometimes You See A Really Sexy Baby? Wait.

My Main Piece Of Advice Would Be Dont Worry About Being Published - Just Write A Really Good Book, But Also Dont Be Afraid To Write A Bad Book. Give Yourself Permission To Fail, And Dont Be Afraid.

The Word I Think Of Is Precarious. I Am Struck By How Precarious It All Is. How The Things That Hold Us Are Only As Strong As The Faith We Have In Them.

I Still Don’t Know If This Is A Good Quality Or A Bad One, To Be Able To Be In The Moment And Then Step Out Of It.

Arrears, N. My Faithfulness Was As Unthinking As Your Lapse. Of All The Things I Though Would Go Wrong, I Never Thought It Would Be That. "it Was A Mistake," You Said. But The Cruel Thing Was, It Felt Like The Mistake Was Mine, For Trusting You.

It's You. You Deserve This. There Is A Reason This Is Happening To You.

This Is What I Never Allowed Myself To Need. And Of Course What I've Been Needing All Along.

And If Only I Could, I'd Make A Deal With God.

This Is My Life, I Think. I Am An Accumulation Of Objects.

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I Don't Even Know What I'm Looking For, Although I Hope I'll Know It If I Find It Along The Way. Sometimes I Want To Simplify My Life Into A Simple Bare Thing. And Other Times I Want To Complicate It So Thoroughly That Everything I Touch Will Become Bound In Some Way To Me. I've Become Quite Aware Of My Contradictions, But There's No True Resolution In That.

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I Know It Was More Than That. But It Was Also Less Than That, Too.

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This Is What A Memorial Is: Standing Still, Staring At Something That Isn’t Ther

Life Tells You To Take The Elevator, But Love Tells You To Take The Stairs.

It's The Way You Say Thank You Like You're Genuinely Thankful. I Have Never Met Anyone Else Who Does That On A Regular Basis.

Game Over," You Say, And I Don't Know Which I Take More Exception To-- The Fact That You Say Its Over, Or The Fact That You Say It's A Game.

I Am Learning That A Life Isn't Real Unless Someone Else Knows Its Reality. And I Want My Life To Be Real.

It Is So Unfair That He Lives In Ohio, Because That Should Be Close Enough, But Since Neither Of Us Drives And Neither Of Us Would Ever In A Million Years Say, 'hey, Mom, Do You Want To Drive Me Across Indiana To See A Boy?,' We're Kind Of Stuck.

As If When Someone Close To Us Dies, We Momentarily Trade Places With Them, In The Moment Right Before. And As We Get Over It, We’re Really Living Their Life In Reverse, From Death To Life, From Sickness To Health.

I Want To Take Back The Secrets I Told You So I Can Decide Now Whether To Tell Them To You Again. I Want To Take Back The Piece Of Me That Lies In You, To See If I Truly Miss It. I Want To Take Back At Least Half The “i Love You”s, Because It Feels Safer That Way.

Magic Naturally Fades Over Distance. But Proximity - Well, When It Works, Proximity Amplifies Magic.

I Love You,” She Says. “i Love You,” I Say. And Then We Hang Up, Because Nothing Else Needs To Be Said After That. I Want To Give Zara Her Life Back. Even If I Feel I Deserve Something Like This, I Don’t Deserve It At Her Expense.

I Can Honestly Say Ive Never Thought For A Second About Whether A Character Reflects Poorly On Any Group. All That Matters To Me Is That The Character Is True To My Belief In Who He Or She Is.

When The Shock Wears Off, You Always Hope There's Understanding Underneath.

...and Suddenly You Started Singing Out Your Love For Me. My Name And Everything, Loud Enough To Reach The Top Floors Of All The Buildings. I Should Have Told You To Stop, But I Didn’t Want You To Stop. I Didn’t Mind If Your Love For Me Woke People Up. I Didn’t Mind If It Somehow Sneaked Into Their Sleep.

We Found Out A Long Time Ago That We Weren’t Meant To Fall In Love With Each Other. But A Part Of Me Still Fell In Hope With Him.

Falling In Love

You Can't Know What It Is Like For Us Now--you Will Always Be One Step Behind. Be Thankful For That. You Can't Know What It Was Like For Us Then--you Will Always Be One Step Ahead. Be Thankful For That, Too.

When We’re Alone Together, I’m The Destination. When I’m Here In Her Life At School, I’m The Disruption.

We'd Said We'd Keep In Touch. But Touch Is Not Something You Can Keep; As Soon As It's Gone, It's Gone. We Should Have Said We'd Keep In Words, Because They Are All We Can String Between Us--words On A Telephone Line, Words Appearing On A Screen.

Me: You Know What Sucks About Love? O.w.g.: What? Me: That It's So Tied To The Truth.

Is That All We Need? Can The Way We Say Each Other's Names Encompass All Our History, All Our Love, All Our Fear, All Our Fights, All Our Reunions, All Of What We Know About Each Other, All Of What We Don't Know?

I Had Gotten So Used To Being Alone, But Never Entirely Used To It. Never Used To It Enough To Stop Wanting The Alternative.

If We Actually Thought About Every Decision We Made, We'd Be Paralyzed ... You Have To Decide Which Decisions You're Actually Going To Make, And Then You Have To Let The Rest Of Them Go.

Yes, Time Can Be Buoyed By Wordlessness, But It Needs To Be Anchored In Words.

Some Days Are Like This. And The Only Way To Get Through Them Is To Remember That They Are Only One Day, And That Every Day Ends.

Putting Up With The Fear Of Being With The Wrong Person Because You Can't Deal With The Fear Of Being Alone.

Fear Of Being Alone

And Who Am I To Blow Against The Wind?

In My Experience, Desire Is Desire, Love Is Love.

When Dawn Looked At Vic, She Saw Vic Exactly As He Wanted To Be Seen. Whereas Vic's Parents Couldn't Help Seeing Who He Used To Be, And So Many Friends And Strangers Couldn't Help Seeing Who He Didn't Want To Be Anymore, Dawn Only Saw Him. Call It A Blur If You Want, But Dawn Didn't See A Blur. She Saw A Very Distinct, Very Clear Person.

Next To It Was A Dvd Called 'as I Get Laid Dying,' Which Had A Hospital Scene On The Front. It Was Like Grey's Anatomy, Only With Less Grey And More Anatomy.

There Are Times When I Worry That I've Already Lost Myself. That Is, That My Self Is So Inseparable From Being With You That If We Were To Separate, I Would No Longer Be. I Save This Thought For When I Feel The Darkest Discontent. I Never Meant To Depend So Much On Someone Else.

Just Because A Person Is Beautiful Doesn't Mean There's No Soul Beneath. Doesn't Mean That Person Hasn't Suffered Like Everyone Else, Doesn't Mean They Don't Hope To Still Be A Good Human Being In An Awful World.

It Is An Awful Thing To Be Betrayed By Your Body. And It’s Lonely, Because You Feel You Can’t Talk About It.

I Used To Think That When I Got Older, The World Would Make So Much More Sense. But You Know What? The Older I Get, The More Confusing It Is To Me. The More Complicated It Is. Harder. You’d Think We’d Be Getting Better At It. But There’s Just More And More Chaos. The Pieces—they’re Everywhere. And Nobody Knows What To Do About It. I Find Myself Grasping, Nick. You Know That Feeling? That Feeling When You Just Want The Right Thing To Fall Into The Right Place, Not Only Because It’s Right, But Because It Will Mean That Such A Thing Is Still Possible? I Want To Believe In That.

I Say Good-bye To Hope, But I Also Say Good-bye To Hope's Disappointment.

It Was Like Everyone Suddenly Knew What Mattered. Money Didn't Matter. Politics Didn't Matter. Tabloid News Didn't Matter. No-compassion Mattered. Calm Mattered. Respect Mattered. Did It Really Take Something Of This Magnitude To Make Us Realize This?

If Other People See You Differently, You’ll End Up Seeing Them Differently, Too.

I Saw His Scars - The Visible Ones-and Saw How Breaking Him Had Not Made Him Any Less Beautiful. If Anything, He Stood Stronger, Because He'd Survived.

I Find My Greatest Strength In Wanting To Be Strong. I Find My Greatest Bravery In Deciding To Be Brave. I Don't Know If I've Ever Realized It Before,[...] I Think We Both Realize It Now. If There's No Feeling Of Fear, Then There's No Need For Courage.

And I, Who Have Never Thought In Terms Of A Life, Think To Myself That I Could Make A Life Out Of This.

Love Is The Higher Law.

Willyoupleasebequiet: Are You Ready? Bluejeanbaby: For What? Willyoupleasebequiet: The Future Willyoupleasebequiet: Because I Think It Just Started

I Will Be The One To Leave You.

I Want To Know Why This Is Such A Part Of Me. I Want To Know Why This Thing That Happened To Other People Has Happened So Much To Me. I Keep Looking For The Lesson.

Fraught, Adj. Does Every “i Love You” Deserve An “i Love You Too”? Does Every Kiss Deserve A Kiss Back? Does Every Night Deserve To Be Spent On A Lover? If The Answer To Any Of These Is “no,” What Do We Do?

Everyone Tried With Me. And Everytime, It Felt Like The Whole Point Of Life Was To See If Trying Was Ever Enough.

They Don’t Have Silences Together; They Have Noise. Mostly His.

Having Someone Think Of Me That Way Was Like Discovering A New Window In The Room I'd Lived In All My Life.

Aloof, Adj. It Has Always Been My Habit, Ever Since Junior High School, To Ask That Question: “what Are You Thinking?” It Is Always An Act Of Desperation, And I Keep On Asking, Even Though I Know It Will Never Work The Way I Want It To.

I Still Felt Fondness For Her - Fondness, That Pleasant, Detached Mix Of Admiration And Sentiment, Appreciation And Nostalgia.

Anchor, V.: I Drift, I Drift, I Drift, You Stay.

With Some People ,the Minute You Start Talking, It Feels Like You've Known Them For Years. It Only Means That You Were Supposed To Meet Sooner. You're Feeling All The Time You Should Have Known Each Other, But Didn't. That Time Still Counts. You Can Definitely Feel It.

It Is Much Harder To Lie To Someone's Face. But. It Is Also Much Harder To Tell The Truth To Someone's Face.

Telling The Truth

Teenagers Are Never Joking. When Seeking To Prove A Point, Principals And Teachers Should Remember That Teenagers Are Never, Ever Sarcasic Or Ironic. If They Say "i Wish Someone Would Drop A Bomb On This School Right Now," That Means They Have Arranged For A Nuclear Arsenal To Be Emptied Onto The School And Should Be Immediately Suspended And Ridiculed. If They Say They Were Merely Coming Up With A Joking Excuse To Postpone A Bio Test, Reply That All Jokes Are Funny, And That Since Dropping A Bomb On A School Is Not Funny, It Is Therefore Not A Joke.

It's Like You're A Character In This Book That Everyone Around You Is Writing, And Suddenly You Have To Say, 'i'm Sorry, But This Role Isn't Right For Me'. And You Have To Start Writing Your Own Life And Doing Your Own Thing.

Ted Is Smart And Good-looking, But He Doesn't Use It To Good Effect, Like A Rich Person That Never Gives To Charity.

There Is No Word For The Recipient Of The Love. There Is Only A Word For The Giver. There Is The Assumption That Lovers Come In Pairs.

So What Do You Have To Confess Now?" I Don't Know Why I'm Saying Any Of This, Except That Is The Truth. "i'm Confessing That I Don't Know If I'm Ready For This." "what Is 'this'?" "being Open. Being Hurt. Liking. Not Being Liked. Seeing The Flicker On. Seeing The Flicker Off. Leaping. Falling. Crashing.

I Asked You What You Wanted And You Said You Didn't Want Anything. And I Told You I Wasn't Planning On Giving You Anything; I Was Planning On Giving You Something.

Every Day I Am Someone Else. I Am Myself-i Know I Am Myself-but I Am Also Someone Else. It Has Always Been Like This.

The Thing About Champagne,you Say, Unfoiling The Cork, Unwinding The Wire Restraint, Is That Is The Ultimate Associative Object. Every Time You Open A Bottle Of Champagne, It's A Celebration, So There's No Better Way Of Starting A Celebration Than Opening A Bottle Of Champagne. Every Time You Sip It, You're Sipping From All Those Other Celebrations. The Joy Accumulates Over Time.

Honestly, I'm Just Trying To Live Day To Day

I Notice You, I Want To Say. Even When No One Else Does, I Do. I Will.

I Always Think Of Each Night As A Song. Or Each Moment As A Song. But Now I'm Seeing We Don't Live In A Single Song. We Move From Song To Song, From Lyric To Lyric, From Chord To Chord. There Is No Ending Here. It's An Infinite Playlist.

Be Careful What You're Doing, Because No One Is Ever Who You Want Them To Be.

It Doesn't Feel Like A Date. It Doesn't Feel Like Friendship. It Feels Like Something That Fell Off The Tightrope But Hasn't Yet Hit The Net.

Underneath All That Denial, You're Someone Who's Deeply, Deeply Nice.

I Wake Up Feverish, Sore, Uncomfortable. Is It Sickness Or Is It Heartbreak? I Can't Tell. The Thermometer Says I'm Normal, But I'm Clearly Not.

Iv. Who Was It Who Invented Size Zero? Who Was It Who Promised That If You Got To A Certain Point You Would No Longer Be?

This Is Not Something Insignificant. This Is Real. This Is Happening, And This Is Ours.

Without You I Wouldn't Have Been Able To Contain The Hate. I Would Have Used It Against Myself. You're The One Who Helped Me Control It. My Mind Spun Out To Other Things. But It Always Came Back To You.

...he Hopes That Maybe It'll Make People A Little Less Scared Of Two Boys Kissing Than They Were Before, And A Little More Welcoming To The Idea That All People Are, In Fact, Born Equal, No Matter Who They Kiss Or Screw, No Matter What Dreams They Have Or Love They Give.

We Switch To Another Language-- Not Our Invented Language Or The Language We've Learned From Our Lives. As We Walk Further Up The Mountain, We Speak The Language Of Silence. This Language Gives Us Time To Think And Move. We Can Be Here And Elsewhere At The Same Time.

If You Start The Day Reading The Obituaries, You Live Your Day A Little Differently.

Her Vulnerability Is Open, But She’s Safe Within It.

I Was Attempting To Write The Story Of My Life. It Wasn't So Much About Plot. It Was Much More About Character.

That Air. The Air Afterwards. I Wanted To Breathe It In. It Felt Right To Breathe It In. Because We Were Breathing Them In, Weren't We? And The Building. We Were Breathing It All In. And I Thought, There's A Part Of This That's Actually A Part Of Me Now. I Now Have That Responsibility. I Am Alive, And I Am Breathing, And I Can Do The Things This Dust Can't Do.

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