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Gradually My Whole Concept Of Time Changed Until I Thought Of A Month As Having Twenty-five Days Of Humanness And Five Others When I Might Just As Well Have Been An Animal In A Steel Trap.

-Florence King

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Gradually My Whole Concept

Florence King

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Gradually My Whole Concept Of Time Changed Until I Thought Of A Month As Having Twenty-five Days Of Humanness And Five Others When I Might Just As Well Have Been An Animal In A Steel Trap.

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The Witty Woman Is A Tragic Figure In American Life. Wit Destroys Eroticism And Eroticism Destroys Wit, So Women Must Choose Between Taking Lovers And Taking No Prisoners.

In Its Purest Sense, Nicknaming Is An Elitist Ritual Practiced By Those Who Cherish Hierarchy. For Preppies It's A Smoke Signal That Allows Bunny To Tell Pooky That They Belong To The Same Tribe, While Among The Good Old Boys It Serves The Cause Of Masculine Dominance By Identifying Bear And Wrecker As Alpha Males.

Nothing Is More Likely To Start Me Screaming Like A Madwoman Than New York In February With Its Piles Of Blackened Snow Full Of Yellow Holes Drilled By Dogs.

When Women Talk About "privacy" They Mean Abortion Rights, And The Millions Of Words Feminists Have Written About "a Room Of One'sown" Refer To Psychological Space, Rarely To Physical Solitude. For Most Women Being Alone Is Tantamount To Being Deserted.

Recently While Browsing In A Secondhand Bookstore I Bought A Paperback Copy Of The Intellectual And The City, But I Was Unable To Read It. When I Got Home I Discovered That The Original Owner Had Highlighted The Entire Book - Literally. Every Line On Every Page Had Been Drawn Through With A Bright Green Magic Marker. It Was A Terrifying Example Of A Mind That Had Lost All Power Of Discrimination.

Familiarity Doesn't Breed Contempt, It Is Contempt.

When You Go Apartment-hunting In The South, You Encounter Little Old Ladies Who Ask You If You Use Strong Drink. In New York You Encounter Paranoids Who Wonder If You Will Commit Suicide--not That They Care; What They Worry About Is Blood On Their Fresh Paint, A Dubious Smell In The Hallway, Or A Hole In The Awning As You Pass Through On Your Way To The Sidewalk. The Southerner Who Moves To Any Part Of The Country Has Problems, But The Culture Shock That Attacks The Southerner Who Moves North Is Almost Indescribable.

Thank God I'm Over The Hill. The Only Heat I Have Left Comes From Hot Flashes, My Promiscuity Is Confined To The Words "one Size Fits All," And I Buy My White Cotton Unmentionables At Boadicea's Retreat, Not Victoria's Secret. None Of The Things Men Do To Women Could Possibly Happen To Me Now Unless The U.s. Is Invaded By One Of Those New Russian Republics Whose Soldiers Aren't Fussy.

There Is More Sexism In A Year's Worth Of Movies Than Actually Exists In A Woman's Entire Lifetime.

Keep Dating And You Will Become So Sick, So Badly Crippled, So Deformed, So Emotionally Warped And Mentally Defective That You Will Marry Anybody.

True Nostalgia Is An Ephemeral Composition Of Disjointed Memories.

If You Ever Meet Someone Who Cannot Understand Why Solitary Confinement Is Considered Punishment, You Have Met A Misanthrope.

Men Are Not Very Good At Loving, But They Are Experts At Admiring And Respecting; The Woman Who Goes After Their Admiration And Respect Will Often Come Out Better Than She Who Goes Out After Their Love.

I Don't Suffer Fools, And I Like To See Fools Suffer.

America Is Not A Democracy, It's An Absolute Monarchy Ruled By King Kid. In A Nation Of Immigrants, The Child Is Automatically More Of An American Than His Parents. Americans Regard Children As What Mr. Hudson In Upstairs, Downstairs Called Betters. Aping Their Betters, American Adults Do Their Best To Turn Themselves Into Children. Puerility Exercises Droit De Seigneur Everywhere.

Real Feminism Is Spinsterhood. It's Time America Admitted That Old Maids Give All Women A Good Name.

There Is Nothing Wrong With "women's Studies" That Studying The Right Women Can't Cure, But Feminist Literary Scholars Have A Penchant For Dragging The Rivers Of Deserved Obscurity For Third-rate Neurotics.

God May Have Loved The Common People, But A Trip To Any Shopping Mall Suggests That He Made Far Too Many Of Them.

There Are So Many Different Kinds Of People In America, With So Many Different Boiling Points, That We Don't Know How To Fight With Each Other. The Set Piece That Shapes And Contains Quarrels In Homogeneous Countries Does Not Exist Here. The Frenchman Is An Expert On The Precise Gradations Of Espèce De And The Italian Knows Exactly When To Introduce The Subject Of His Other's Grave, But No American Can Be Sure How Or When Another Will React, So We Zap Each Other With Friendliness To Neutralize Potentially Dangerous Situations.

Americans Worship Creativity The Way They Worship Physical Beauty - As A Way Of Enjoying Elitism Without Guilt: God Did It.

Now The Only Thing I Miss About Sex Is The Cigarette Afterward. Next To The First One In The Morning, It's The Best One Of All. It Tasted So Good That Even If I Had Been Frigid I Would Have Pretended Otherwise Just To Be Able To Smoke It.

Cigarette Smoke

In Mississippi The Important Thing Is Hooch, Not Bar Equipment.

We Want A President Who Is As Much Like An American Tourist As Possible. Someone With The Same Goofy Grin, The Same Innocent Intentions, The Same Naive Trust; A President With No Conception Of Foreign Policy And No Discernible Connection To The U.s. Government, Whose Nice Guyism Will Narrow The Gap Between The U.s. And Us Until Nobody Can Tell The Difference.

Resistance To Team Play Seemed To Pour Like Wet Cement Through My Bones, Displacing Supple Marrow, Until I Was Ballasted With My Own Contempt.

In Social Matters, Pointless Conventions Are Not Merely The Bee Sting Of Etiquette, But The Snake Bite Of Moral Order.

I Cherish The Review-as-literature; As Lapidary Journalism In The Eighteenth-century Mode, The Last Hard Sparkling Diamond In Theessayists's Tarnished Crown. To Me, Writing A Good Review Is Not Just A Way To Make Extra Money, But A Sacred Duty.

Misanthropes Have Some Admirable If Paradoxical Virtues. It Is No Exaggeration To Say That We Are Among The Nicest People You Are Likely To Meet. Because Good Manners Build Sturdy Walls, Our Distaste For Intimacy Makes Us Exceedingly Cordial "ships That Pass In The Night." As Long As You Remain A Stranger We Will Be Your Friend Forever.

Owning Your Own Home Is America's Unique Recipe For Avoiding Revolution And Promoting Pseudo-equality At The Same Time. To Keep Citizens Puttering In Their Yards Instead Of Sputtering On The Barricades, The Government Has Gladly Deprived Itself Of Billions In Tax Revenues By Letting Home Owners Deduct Mortgage Interest Payments.

Golf Is An Exercise In Scottish Pointlessness For People Who Are No Longer Able To Throw Telephone Poles At Each Other.

Southerners Are So Devoted To Genealogy That We See A Family Tree Under Every Bush.

I'm For Prayer In The Schools Because Ritual And Ceremony Are Calming And Civilizing, And The Little Fartlings Should Be Tamped Down Whenever Possible.

If Whisky Or Salt Won't Cure It, Then To Hell With It. I Worry About Important Things.

Southerners Have A Genius For Psychological Alchemy...if Something Intolerable Simply Cannot Be Changed, Driven Away Or Shot They Will Not Only Tolerate It But Take Pride In It As Well.

Self-help Books Are Making Life Downright Unsafe. Women Desperate To Catch A Man Practice All The Ploys Recommended By These Authors. Bump Into Him, Trip Over Him, Knock Him Down, Spill Something On Him, Scald Him, But Meet Him.

Any Hope That America Would Finally Grow Up Vanished With The Rise Of Fundamentalist Christianity. Fundamentalism, With Its Born-again Regression, Its Pink-and-gold Concept Of Heaven, Its Literal-mindedness, Its Rambunctious Good Cheer... Its Anti-intellectualism... Its Puerile Hymns... And Its Faith-healing... Are Made To Order For King Kid America.

The Proliferation Of Support Groups Suggests To Me That Too Many Americans Are Growing Up In Homes That Do Not Contain A Grandmother. A Home Without A Grandmother Is Like An Egg Without Salt.... The Emotionally Satisfying Discussions That Take Place In Chronic Pain Outreach And Depression Resources Are Simply Updated Versions Of The Grandmotherly Practice Of Hanging Crepe. We Could Eliminate Much Of The Isolation That Support Groups Exist To Fill And Save The "traditional Family" That Everybody Is So Worried About If More Couples Took Their Aging Parents To Live With Them.

Spinsterhood Is Nature's Own Feminism.

He Travels Fastest Who Travels Alone, And That Goes Double For She. Real Feminism Is Spinsterhood.

Double Standard

Owning Your Own Home Is America's Unique Recipe For Avoiding Revolution And Promoting Pseudo-equality At The Same Time.

If We Define A Misanthrope As 'someone Who Does Not Suffer Fools And Likes To See Fools Suffer,' We Have Described A Person With Something To Look Forward To.

To A Southerner It Is Faux Pas, Not Sins, That Matter In This World.

The Confidence And Security Of A People Can Be Measured By Their Attitude Toward Laxatives. At The High Noon Of The British Sun, Soldiers In Far-flung Outposts Of The Empire Doctored Themselves With "a Spoonful O' Gunpowder In A Cuppa 'ot Tea." Purveyors And Users Of Harsh Laxatives Were Not Afraid Of Being Thought Mean And Unfriendly Just Because Their Laxatives Were. But In America, The Need To Be Nice Is So Consuming That Nobody Would Dare Take A Laxative That Makes You Run Up The Stairs Two At A Time, Pushing Others Aside And Yelling, "get Out Of The Way!

The Apologizer Bunny Keeps Going And Going And Going.

Agoraphobia Was My Quirky Armor Against A Gregarious America.

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Any Discussion Of The Problems Of Being Funny In America Will Not Make Sense Unless We Substitute The Word Wit For Humor. Humor Inspires Sympathetic Good-natured Laughter And Is Favored By The Healing-power Gang. Wit Goes For The Jugular, Not The Jocular, And It's The Opposite Of Football; Instead Of Building Character, It Tears It Down.

Americans Respect Talent Only Insofar As It Leads To Fame, And We Reserve Our Most Fervent Admiration For Famous People Who Destroy Their Lives As Well As Their Talent. The Fatal Flaws Of Elvis, Judy, And Marilyn Register Much Higher On Our National Applause Meter Than Their Living Achievements. In Amerca, Talent Is Merely A Tool For Becoming Famous In Life So You Can Become More Famous In Death - Where All Are Equal.

The Joker In The Deck Of Lesbian Fidelity Is Female Vanity: No Woman Of Fifty Is Going To Undress In Front Of A Woman Of Twenty No Matter How Much She Might Lust For Her.

In Other Countries, Congenital Introverts Simply Remain Introverts All Their Lives, Neither Advancing Nor Retreating, But America's Commitment To Extroversion As A National Art Form Can Abrade Some Naturally Aloof Personalities Until They Flower Into Deadly Nightshade.

Wit Goes For The Jugular, Not The Jocular, And It's The Opposite Of Football; Instead Of Building Character, It Tears It Down.

A Cardinal Rule Of Writing Is Never Interrupt Yourself To Explain Something. If You Must Bring Up An Obscure Topic, Drop Informative Hints About It As You Go Along So That You Don't End Up With The Entire Explanation All In One Place. This Keeps You From Skidding To A Stop And Sounding Teacherish. Otherwise It's Better To Omit The Obscure Topic Altogether, Or As Mothers Might Put It: If You Can't Say It Interestingly, Don't Say It At All.

I Wasn't Used To Children And They Were Getting On My Nerves. Worse, It Appeared That I Was A Child, Too. I Hadn't Known That Before; I Thought I Was Just Short.

American Couples Have Gone To Such Lengths To Avoid The Interference Of In-laws That They Have To Pay Marriage Counselors To Interfere Between Them.

By Sending The Contradictory Message That The Famous Are Just Plain Folks On Mount Olympus, America Has Forged A Relentless Tension Between Loftiness And Accessibility. Stir In The Fact That The Inborn Talent And Intelligence Needed To Achieve Fame Are Immune To Distributive Tinkering By Government Programs And You Have A Definition Of Fame Certain To Produce Envious Rage: Somebody Screwed Democracy.

Each Time A Mediocre Singer Performs, He Is Saying, In Effect, "this Is Good Enough For You." The Audience, Thrust Into That Familiar American Mood Of Knowing Something Is Wrong But Not Knowing What It Is, Unconsciously Absorbs The Insult And Projects It Back Onto The Mediocre Performer In The Form Of Inattention, Rudeness And Noise.

Of All The Old Maid's Blessing, The Greatest Is Carte Blanche. Spinsterhood Is Powerful; Once A Woman Is Called "that Crazy Old Maid" She Can Get Away With Anything.

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The Proliferation Of Support Groups Suggests To Me That Too Many Americans Are Growing Up In Homes That Do Not Contain A Grandmoth.

Because The Theater Lost A Barrymore Every Time A Southerner Decided Not To Go On The Stage, Just About Anything That Comes Out Of A Southern Mouth Is Bound To Be A Ringing Line.

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Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged Judgmental.

I Have A Professional Acquaintance Whose Recent Eyelid Job Has Left Her With A Permanent Expression Of Such Poleaxed Astonishment That She Looks At All Times As If She Had Just Read One Of My Books.

In The Last Few Years, Race Relations In America Have Entered Upon A Period Of Intensified Craziness Wherein Fear Of Being Called A Racist Has So Thoroughly Overwhelmed Fear Of Being A Racist That We Are In Danger Of Losing Sight Of The Distinction.

"very" Is The Most Useless Word In The English Language And Can Always Come Out. More Than Useless, It Is Treacherous Because It Invariably Weakens What It Is Intended To Strengthen. For Example, Would You Rather Hear The Mincing Shallowness Of "i Love You Very Much" Or The Heart-slamming Intensity Of "i Love You"?

Time Has Lost All Meaning In That Nightmare Alley Of The Western World Known As The American Mind. We Wallow In Nostalgia But Manage To Get It All Wrong. True Nostalgia Is An Ephemeral Composition Of Disjointed Memories... But American-style Nostalgia Is About As Ephemeral As Copyrighted D?j? Vu.

It's The Government's Job To Print The Money, Deliver The Mail And Declare War. Now Give Me My Cigarettes.

Randian Heroes Come Off As Metaphors For Jews Because They Are Beset By Irrational Forces That Try To Bar Them From The Professions And Use Their Virtues Against Them To Bring About Their Destruction.

Insecurity Breeds Treachery: If You Are Kind To People Who Hate Themselves, They Will Hate You As Well.

Episcopalians Have Always Preferred The Flying Buttress To The Pillar Of The Church.

There's Something Unrefined About A Reading Woman, They Always Reek Of The Lamp. How Can She Grow Up To Be A Lady If She's Always Got Her Nose In A Book? Granny Rudin

Updike's Style Is An Exquisite Blend Of Melville And Austen: Reading Him Is Like Cutting Through Whale Blubber With Embroidery Scissors.

A Home Without A Grandmother Is Like An Egg Without Salt.

Animal Rights Activists Gives Disillusioned Feminists An Excuse To Go Back To Being Women Protecting Wee Creatures Without Compromising Their Radical Credentials

Writers Who Have Nothing To Say Always Strain For Metaphors To Say It In.

One Of Life's Intriguing Paradoxes Is That Hierarchical Social Order Makes Cheap Rents And Outré Artists' Colonies Possible. Raffish Bohemian Neighborhoods Flourished In The Days Of Racial Segregation; Under Integration The Artistic Poor Have No Safe Places In Which To Create.... If America Lacks A Vigorous Culture It Is Partly Because Studios And Ateliers Have Become Crack Houses.

No Matter Which Sex I Went To Bed With, I Never Smoked On The Street

Time Has Lost All Meaning In That Nightmare Alley Of The Western World Known As The American Mind.

The Vitamin Has Been Reified. A Chemical Intangible Originally Defined As A Unit Of Nutritive Value, It Was Long Ago Reified Into A Pill. Now It Is A Pill; No One Except A Few Precise Scientists Define It As Anything Else. Once The Vitamin Became A Pill, It Became Real According To The Precepts Of American Cartesianism: I Swallow It, Therefore It Is.

We Worship Education But Hate Learning.

I Do Believe In Reincarnation, But I Do Not Believe There Is Life Before Noon.

Familiarity Breeds Democracry.

Showing Up At School Already Able To Read Is Like Showing Up At The Undertaker's Already Embalmed: People Start Worrying About Being Put Out Of Their Jobs.

Hereditary Monarchy Offers Numerous Advantages For America. It Is The Only Form Of Government Able To Unify A Heterogeneous People. Thanks To Centuries Of Dynastic Marriage, The Family Tree Of Every Royal House Is An Ethnic Grab Bag With Something For Everybody. We Need This Badly; America Is The Only Country In The World Where You Can Suffer Culture Shock Without Leaving Home. We Can't Go On Much Longer Depending Upon Disasters Like Pearl Harbor And The Iranian Hostage-taking To "bring Us Together.

The Feminization Of America Has Made Emotions Sacrosanct While Condemning As Cold And Unfeeling Rigorous Concepts Such As Duty Andhonor. Propelled By Incessant Hosannas To Woman's "finer" This And "softer" That, We Make Emotional Decisions Instead Of Ethical Ones And Then Congratulate Ourselves For Having "heart.

As The Only Class Distinction Available In A Democracy, The College Degree Has Created A Caste Society As Rigid As Ancient India's. Condemning Elitism And Simultaneously Quaking In Fear That Our Children Won't Become Members Of The Elite, We Send Them To College, Not To Learn, But To "be" College Graduates, Rationalizing Our Snobbery With The Cliché That High Technology Has Eliminated The Need For The Manual Labor That We Secretly Hold In Contempt.

Chinks In America's Egalitarian Armor Are Not Hard To Find. Democracy Is The Fig Leaf Of Elitism.

Affirmative Action Was Designed Originally For "women And Other Minorities" But The Phrase Has Become Just Another Tortured Euphemism. Female Conscientiousness And Eagerness To Please Have Always Made Women Good Students And Natural Test Takers. Jews Have Gloried In Scholarship Throughout The Ages, And Asians Of Both Sexes Score So High On Sats And Iq Tests That They Regard Affirmative Action As An Impediment. Affirmative Action Really Means Favoritism For Blacks For The Sake Of Racial Peace, But The Favor Is Pure Chimera, And So, Increasingly, Is The Peace.

Families Composed Of Rugged Individualists Have To Do Things Obliquely.

I've Always Said That Next To Imperial China, The South Is The Best Place In The World To Be An Old Lady.

America Is The Only Country In The World Where You Can Suffer Culture Shock Without Leaving Home.

The Nice Thing About Southerners Is The Way We Enjoy Our Neuroses.

It Takes Only One Child To Raze A Village.

The American Woman's Concept Of Marriage Is A Clearly Etched Picture Of Something Uninflated On The Floor. A Sleeping-bag Withoutair, A Beanbag Without Beans, A Padded Bra Without Pads. To Work On It, You Start Pumping--what The Magazines Call "breathing Life Into Your Marriage." Do Enough Of This And The Marriage Becomes A Kind Of Banquo's Ghost, A Quasi-living Entity.

For Men Who Want To Flee Family Man America And Never Come Back, There Is A Guaranteed Solution: Homosexuality Is The New French Foreign Legion.

There's No National Glue Holding Us Together Because Somebody Put Too Much Pluribus In The Unum.

I Simply Like Guns Because You Can't Shoot People Without Them.

Let's Bring Back Grandmothers! A Real Family Consists Of Three Generations. It's Time Americans Stopped Worrying About Interference And Being A Burden On The Children And Regrouped Under One Roof.

We Worship Education But Hate Learning. We Worship Success But Hate The Successful. We Worship Fame But Hate The Famous.

Oppressed People Are Treacherous For The Simple Reason That Treachery Is Both A Means Of Survival And A Way To Curry Favor With One's Oppressor.

To Me, Elitism Means A Love Of Excellence And Superiority, But America Has Declared War On Both And Developed A Sick Love Of The Lowest Common Denominator To Make Sure No-one Becomes Too Fine For Our Touted Democracy. We Are Almost At The Point Of Regarding Every Virtue As Elitist.

Learn To Spot And Avoid "writer Groupies." The Writer's Self-sufficiency And Our Love For Our Work Tend To Attract Insecure People Who Never Can Get Enough Love. They Grow Jealous Of Our Work And Come To Regard It As A Rival. These People Can Destroy You, So Kick Them Out Of Your Life Or Don't Admit Them In The First Place.

Americans Are So Emotionally Fragile That Soon We Will Have To Be Carried Around In Plastic Bubbles And Fed With An Eye-dropper.

Gradually My Whole Concept Of Time Changed Until I Thought Of A Month As Having Twenty-five Days Of Humanness And Five Others When I Might Just As Well Have Been An Animal In A Steel Trap.

I Don't Mind Being Regarded As Perverted And Unnatural, But I Would Die If People Thought I Was A Democrat.

People Are So Busy Dreaming The American Dream, Fantasizing About What They Could Be Or Have A Right To Be, That They're All Asleep At The Switch. Consequently We Are Living In The Age Of Human Error.

Native American

A Woman Must Wait For Her Ovaries To Die Before She Can Get Her Rightful Personality Back. Post-menstrual Is The Same As Pre-menstrual; I Am Once Again What I Was Before The Age Of Twelve: A Female Human Being Who Knows That A Month Has Thirty Day, Not Twenty-five, And Who Can Spend Every One Of Them Free Of The Shackles Of That Defect Of Body And Mind Known As Femininity.

The American Way Of Stress Is Comparable To Freud's 'beloved Symptom', His Name For The Cherished Neurosis That A Patient Cultivates Like The Rarest Of Orchids And Does Not Want To Be Cured Of. Stress Makes Americans Feel Busy, Important, And In Demand, And Simultaneously Deprived, Ignored, And Victimized. Stress Makes Them Feel Interesting And Complex Instead Of Boring And Simple, And Carries An Assumption Of Sensitivity Not Unlike The Old World Assumption That Aristocrats Were High-strung. In Short, Stress Has Become A Status Symbol.

The More Immoral We Become In Big Ways, The More Puritanical We Become In Little Ways.

Democracy Is The Fig Leaf Of Elitism.

During The Feminist Seventies Men Were Caught Between A Rock And A Hard-on; In The Fathering Eighties They Are Caught Between Good Hugs And Bad Hugs.

The Copyeditor I Drew Was A Brachycephalic, Web-footed Cretin Who Should Have Been In An Institution Learning How To Make Brooms.

Never Look On The Bright Side. The Glare Is Blinding.

Real Feminism Is Spinsterhood.

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