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Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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Don't Talk About Yourself

Rodney Dangerfield

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Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

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More From Rodney Dangerfield

We Sleep In Separate Rooms, We Have Dinner Apart, We Take Separate Vacations - We're Doing Everything We Can To Keep Our Marriage Together.

I Am The World's Oldest Teenager. I've Never Lost My Youthful Attitude.

What A Dog I Got, He Found Out We Look Alike, So He Killed Himself.

I Told My Wife The Truth. I Told Her I Was Seeing A Psychiatrist. Then She Told Me The Truth: That She Was Seeing A Psychiatrist, Two Plumbers, And A Bartender.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Joined Gamblers Anon., They Gave Me 2 To 1 I Wouldn't Make It! I Joined Aa, There Was A Two Drink Minimum!

I Bought A New Japanese Car, I Turned On The Radio ... I Don't Understand A Word They're Saying.

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

She Was So Fat That Her Belly Button Makes An Echo.

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

I Don't Get No Respect

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

What A Childhood I Had - I Was Ten Years Old When I Found Out Alpo Was Dog Food.

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

Once I Opened Up A Fortune Cookie And Inside Was The Guy's Cheque Next To Me I Said Hey Buddy I Got Your Cheque He Said Thanks.

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

Well With Girls I Don't Get No Respect. I Had A Blind Date. I Waited Two Hours On The Corner. A Girl Walked By. I Said Are You Louise? She Said, Are You Rodney? I Said, Yeah. She Said, I'm Not Louise.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. My Mother Breast Fed Me Through A Straw.

The Shape I'm In, I Could Donate My Body To Science Fiction.

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

A Sense Of Humor Is Rare. It Isn't Telling A Joke About How There Are Three Ways To Get To Heaven. It's Being In A Restaurant And Hearing Someone Say, Everyone's Got Their Tale Of Woe, And Then Turning Around And Saying, Unfortunately, In Life, There's More Woe Than Tail.

Last Time I Tried To Make Love To My Wife Nothing Happened, So I Said To Her, 'what's The Matter, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?'

My Wife Is Such A Bad Cook, If We Leave Dental Floss In The Kitchen The Roaches Hang Themselves.

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

What A Doctor I've Got - He's Really Mixed Up. Last Week, He Grabbed My Knee And Told Me To Cough. Then Hit Me In The Balls With A Hammer.

When You Walk Up Five Flights Of Stairs At Four In The Morning, There's Definitely A Hooker Involved.

Time And Tide And Hookers Wait For No Man.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

The Other Night A Mugger Took Off His Mask And Made Me Wear It.

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

I Figured Out I'm Bisexual. I Have Sex Twice A Year.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.

My Wife Can't Cook At All. She Made Chocolate Mousse. An Antler Got Stuck In My Throat.

My Mother Never Breast Fed Me, She Told Me She Only Liked Me As A Friend.

My Son's An Idiot. He Sprained His Ankle Playing Golf. He Fell Off The Ballwasher.

When We Got Married My Wife Told Me I Was One In A Million. I Found Out She Was Right.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

I Said To A Girl I'd Been Seeing, Come Home With Me, Honey, And I'll Show You Where It's At. She Said, You'd Better, Because The Last Time I Could'nt Find It.

When I Played In The Sandbox, The Cat Kept Covering Me Up.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

I Stuck My Head Out The Window And Got Arrested For Mooning.

They Took A Survey: Why Do Men Get Up In The Middle Of The Night? Ten Percent Get Up To Go To The Bathroom And 90 Percent Get Up To Go Home.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. In My House, We Pray After We Eat.

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

One Year They Asked Me To Be Poster Boy - For Birth Control.

I Don't Know Kid, There Are So Many Places They Could Hide.

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

I Tell Ya, My Wife, We Get Along Good Cause We Have Our Own Arrangement. I Mean, One Night A Week I Go Out With The Boys And One Night A Week, She Goes Out With The Boys.

...went To A Bar For A Few Drinks. The Bartender Asked What I Wanted. "surprise Me", I Said. So He Showed Me A Naked Picture Of My Wife.

I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

Say No To Drugs

My Cousin Is Gay, In School While Other Kids Were Dissecting Frog, He Was Opening Flies.

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

I'll Tell Ya, My Wife And I, We Don't Think Alike. She Donates Money To The Homeless, And I Donate Money To The Topless!

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

Men Who Do Things Without Being Told Draw The Most Wages.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

Life Is Full Of Temporary Situations, Ultimately Ending In A Permanent Solution.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me. My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

My Parents Didn't Like Me. For Bathtub Toys They Gave Me A Blender And A Transistor Radio.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

My Wife Has Cut Our Lovemaking Down To Once A Month, But I Know Two Guys She's Cut Out Entirely.

I'm A Bisexual; I Get It Maybe Twice A Year.

I Told My Doctor I Think My Wife Has Vd. He Gave Himself A Shot Of Penicillin.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

I Live In A Tough Neighborhood. They Got A Children's Zoo. Last Week, Four Kids Escaped.

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

My Kids Scotch Tape Worms To The Sidewalk And Watch The Birds Get Hernias.

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

I Got Myself Good This Morning Too. I Did My Pushups In The Nude, I Didn't See The Mouse Trap.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

On Halloween, The Parents Sent Their Kids Out Looking Like Me.

She Was So Fat That Her Clothes Are Made By Omar The Tent Maker.

I'm At An Age Where I Think More About Food Than I Do About Sex. Last Week I Put A Mirror Over My Dining Room Table.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

This Morning When I Put On My Underwear I Could Hear The Fruit-of-the-loom Guys Laughing At Me.

They Change The Sheets Every Day... From One Bed To Another.

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

It's Lonely On The Top When There's No One On The Bottom.

Lonely At The Top

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

Group Sex, Are You Kidding, I Had Group Sex - My Wife Screwed In Front Of The Jury.

With My Wife I Don't Get No Respect. I Made A Toast On Her Birthday To 'the Best Woman A Man Ever Had.' The Waiter Joined Me.

After I Got Divorced, I Said To Myself, I Will Never, Ever Get Married Again. It Was In Cement. I Went Through A Really Rough Twenty-five Years, But It Happened Again. I Fell In Love. I Told Her, Baby, I Don't Want A Prenuptial Agreement. This Is It. Everyone Told Me I Was Nuts. Well, My New Wife And I Are Married Six Years And We Get Along Great. You Can Make Anything Work If You're Both Givers.

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

I Don't Get No Respect, No Respect At All!

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Played Hide-and-seek. They Wouldn't Even Look For Me.

Once I Pulled A Job, I Was So Stupid. I Picked A Guy's Pocket On An Airplane And Made A Run For It.

When I Was Born The Doctor Took One Look At My Face, Turned Me Over And Said, "look, Twins!"

I Live In A Bad Neighborhood. Why, I Saw Two Complete Strangers Share A Taxi - Yeah, One Guy Took The Radio And The Other Guy Took The Tires.

I Tell Ya I Got A Stupid Son. That's One Load That Shoulda Been Shot On The Wall.

My Wife And I Keep Fighting About Sex And Money. I Think She Charges Me Too Much.

I Tell Ya, With My Wife, I Got No Sex Life. Her Favorite Position Is Facing Bloomingdale's.

With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

Hey, Did Somebody Step On A Duck?

My Uncle's Dying Wish - He Wanted Me On His Lap. He Was In The Electric Chair.

I Was So Ugly My Parents Had To Hang A Pork Chop Around My Neck To Get The Dog To Play With Me.

Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

I Knew A Girl So Ugly That She Was Known As A Two-bagger. That's When You Put A Bag Over Your Head In Case The Bag Over Her Head Breaks.

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Tell Ya, Gambling Never Agreed With Me. Last Week I Went To The Track And They Shot My Horse With The Opening Gun.

My Wife Says 90% Of Sex Occurs Between The Ears. But I Need A Girl Who Can Blow More Just My Mind.

When I Go To A Nude Beach, I Always Take A Ruler, Just In Case I Have To Prove Something.

One Night She Told Me To Put Out The Garbage. I Told Her "you Cooked It, You Take It Out".

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

If I Could Have Dinner With Anyone Who Lived In History, It Would Depend On The Restaurant.

He Who Laughs Last Didn't Get It In The First Place.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. I Asked Him, "how Can I Get My Kite In The Air?" He Told Me To Run Off A Cliff.

I Used To Date A Girl From Buffalo. Why Can't I Meet A Girl With Normal Parents?

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

I Once Dated A Girl That Was Wild. She Was So Wild That One Night She Gave Her Phone Number To The Mechanical Bull.

I Went To See My Doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...i Told Him Once, "doctor, Every Morning When I Get Up And Look In The Mirror I Feel Like Throwing Up. What's Wrong With Me?" He Said, "i Don't Know, But Your Eyesight Is Perfect."

It's Nice To Be The Best, But Not When Being The Best Brings Out The Worst In You.

What A Kid I Got, I Told Him About The Birds And The Bee And He Told Me About The Butcher And My Wife.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

One Time My Whole Family Played Hide And Seek. They Found My Mother In Pittsburgh!

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

My Wife Is Always Trying To Get Rid Of Me. The Other Day She Told Me To Put The Garbage Out. I Said To Her I Already Did. She Told Me To Go And Keep An Eye On It.

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Uncle Heard That Most Deaths Occurs Within Ten Miles Of The House...so He Moved.

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

We Learned Sexual Technique From Our Dog. He Taught How To Beg, And He Taught My Wife How To Roll Over And Play Dead.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

She Failed Her Drivers Test. She Couldn't Get Used To The Front Seat. It Took Her Four Lessons To Learn To Sit Up.

I Was So Poor Growing Up...if I Wasn't A Boy...i'd Have Nothing To Play With.

My Mother Used To Rock Me - And She Used Big Rocks.

A Man In The Crowd Asks: Hey Rodney, How'd You Get Started? Rodney: I Was 12 Years Old, Alone In My Room, And I Got Started!

I'm Sitting On Top Of The World, And I've Got Hemorrhoids.

I Saved A Girl From Being Attacked Last Night. I Controlled Myself.

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

When My Old Man Wanted Sex, My Mother Would Show Him A Picture Of Me.

My Cousins Gay, He Went To London Only To Find Out That Big Ben Was A Clock.

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

Last Year My Birthday Cake Looked Like A Prairie Fire.

Getting Older Is Tough. I Remember The Last Time I Felt An Erection. It Was At The Movies. The Only Trouble Is, It Belonged To The Guy Sitting Next To Me.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

There's Only One Thing Wrong With My Wife's Face - It Shows.

I Was A Poster Child... For Birth Control!

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

I've Been Writing Jokes Since I'm Fifteen. Not Out Of Happiness, But To Go To A Different Place, Because Reality Wasn't Good To Me.

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

I'm Not A Hypochondriac, But My Gynaecologist Firmly Believes I Am.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

Last Week I Was Walking By A Cemetery, Two Guys Came After Me With Shovels. It Was All About Money.

It Would Be Great If People Never Got Angry At Someone For Doing Something They've Done Themselves.

Boy Is My Wife Stupid. It Takes Her And Hour And A Half To Watch 60 Minutes. My Daughters No Bargain Either. In Public School She Was Voted Most Likely To Conceive.

I'm At The Age Where Food Has Taken The Place Of Sex In My Life. In Fact, I've Just Had A Mirror Put Over My Kitchen Table.

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Father Worked In A Bank. They Caught Him Stealing Pens.

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

I Don't Care How Rich And Successful A Man Is. He's Nothing Without An Education.

At Twenty A Man Is Full Of Fight And Hope. He Wants To Reform The World. When He Is Seventy He Still Wants To Reform The World, But He Know He Can't.

One Day As I Came Home Early, I Saw A Man Jogging Naked. I Said To The Guy, 'hey, Buddy, Why Are You Doing That?' He Said, 'because You Came Home Early.'

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

Cars And Women Are A Lot Alike. They Lie About The Milage.

Never Guess Your Wife's Size. Just Buy Anything Marked Petite And Hold On To The Receipt.

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

[on 8/24/04, Before Entering A Los Angeles Hospital For Heart Valve Replacement Surgery] If Things Go Right, I'll Be There About A Week, And If Things Don't Go Right, I'll Be There About An Hour And A Half.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

She Was So Fat That Her Bikini Is Made Out Of Two Bed Sheets (king-size).

One Night I Came Home. I Figured, Let My Wife Come On. I'll Play It Cool. Let Her Make The First Move. She Went To Florida.

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. The Time I Was Kidnapped, And The Kidnappers Sent My Parents A Note They Said, "we Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again."

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

I Got My First Break And Became A Singing Waiter At Eighteen Or Nineteen. I Couldn't Make A Living At It. I Quit. Then I Got Married And Sold Aluminum Siding. My Wife Had Problems Physically. It Was Not Good.

You Take Care And I Hope I'll Run Into You - When I'm Driving.

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!

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