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A Witch, A Vampire, And A Pixy Walk Into A Bar, I Thought As I Led The Way Into The Squirrel’s End. It Was Early, And The Sun Had Yet To Set When The Door Swung Shut Behind Jenks, Sealing Us In The Warm Air Smelling Faintly Of Smoke. Immediately Nick Yanked It Open To Come In Behind Us. And There’s The Punch Line.

-Kim Harrison

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A Witch, A Vampire,

Kim Harrison

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A Witch, A Vampire, And A Pixy Walk Into A Bar, I Thought As I Led The Way Into The Squirrel’s End. It Was Early, And The Sun Had Yet To Set When The Door Swung Shut Behind Jenks, Sealing Us In The Warm Air Smelling Faintly Of Smoke. Immediately Nick Yanked It Open To Come In Behind Us. And There’s The Punch Line.

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Dead Witch Walking Is Basically A Modern-day Witch Living In Cincinnati.

Jenks Kept Me Alive For Two Years Through Two Death Threats, A Crazy Banshee, And At Least Two Serial Killers. Its About Time I Return The Favor! And If I Can't, Then I Can Sit By His Bed And Hold His Hand As He Dies, 'cause I've Had Plenty Of Practice Doing That, Too!

Jenks Made A Move To Follow, Probably Forgetting He Didn’t Have Wings Anymore. He Leaned Forward And Fell To The Floor, Face First. “jenks!” I Shouted When He Hit With A Dull Smack And Started Swearing.

What Was It With Me And Organized Beatings, Anyway?

Your Hair Is A Tangled Mess,"he Said, Thinking He Liked It That Way, Like A Lion's Mane.

Being Poor Is Not An Indication Of Potential Or Worth. It’s A Lack Of Resources.

You Have Such Interesting Thoughts. No Wonder Witches Are Ephemeral. You Drive Yourself Crazy. You Should Simply Do What You Want Without The Soul-searching. It Will Be Easier In The Long Run, Rachel Mariana Morgan.

That’s My Girl,” She Said, Her Eyes Holding A Shared Pain As She Saw My Confusion. “al, Where Are You Going To Put Her? Not In Your Room. She’d Pull A Line Through You And Kill You When You Hog The Blankets. I’ll Take The Waif In. I Promise I’ll Bring This One Up Properly.

You Need Me, Just Whistle," He Said As He Arranged His Ball Cap Over His Eyes Against The Sun Leaking Through The Frost-emptied Branches. "you're Not Coming?" Lifting The Brim Of His Cap, He Eyed Me, "you Want Me To?" He Asked Blandly. "not Really, No." He Dropped The Brim And Laced His Hands Over His Middle. "then Why Are You Bitching? It's A Crime Scene, Not A Grocery Store.

Tell Me Where You Want It,” I Said. Minias Drew Back, His Purple Robes Shifting About His Ankles. “you’re Asking Me?” “well, Unless You Want A Big R On Your Forehead.

I Thought It Odd That The Woman Was Over A Thousand Years Old But Thought The Microwave Was Primitive.

Married Pixy, I Told Myself, Forcing My Eyes Back To The Shelf Of Ceramic Animals. Fifty-four Kids. Beautiful Wife, Sweet As Sugar, Who Would Kill Me In My Sleep While Apologizing For It.

Rachel, My Itchy Witch," Al Said As He Tugged The Lace At His Cuffs. "we've Talked About This. You Simply Must Stop Collecting Nasty Little Men. How Many Do You Really Need, Love?

It Was Starting To Smell Really Good In Here. And If I Liked What It Smelled Like, Then They Were Liking What They Were Smelling, And Ah…that Would Be Me.

And If He Is Lying And He Double-crosses You, I’ll Kill Him For You.” From Anyone Else, It Would Have Been An Idle Threat, And I Smiled, Feeling Loved. (ivy And Rachel)

Get Your Hand Off Me,” I Exclaimed, Voice Loud With Misplaced Anger As I Yanked Away From His Grip. “i’m A Professional, Not Some Distraught Girlfriend.” Well, I Was That Too, But I Knew How To Act At A Crime Scene.

Go To Sleep, Baby,mama Will Sing. Of Blue Butterflies, And Dragonfly Wings. Moonlight And Sunbeams, Raiments So Fine. Silver And Gold, For Baby Of Mine. Go To Sleep, Baby. Sister Will Tell, Of Wolves And Of Lambs, And Demons Who Fell.-pierce's Lullaby Kim Harrison (black Magic Sanction)

You Try Getting Through The Hollows Traffic With A Stoned Redhead Hanging Out The Window Shouting, 'i'm King Of The World!' ~lee

She Was Getting Bitchy.that Was A Good Sign. "what Am I Supposed To Do Till You Get Back?" I Said, Patting The Smouldering Leather. "hide In My Closet? I"d Rather Be With You.

Al's Red Eyes Slid Past Me To Pierce. "play?" He Said, His Voice Dripping With Interest. "gordian Nathaniel Pierce's Quirks Are Legendary. Why Do You Think I Want The Runt So Badly? Size Truly Doesn't Matter If You Can Do What He Can." ~ Algaliarept, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

Yes, But . . .” She Hesitated, Her Gaze Finally Coming To Me. “i Survived Because I Fell In Love.” With You Was Unspoken.

I Fell In Love With You

I Could Sit And Watch Nature Documentaries With Jenks And The Kids The Rest Of The Night If I Wanted. And Trust Me, Watching A Dozen Pixies Scream As A Crocodile Chomped On A Zebra Was Something Not To Be Missed. They Invariably Cheered For The Crocodile, Not The Zebra.

He's Going To Hurt You," Al Said, Looking At Pierce. "i Can Take Care Of You, Teach You To Survive. Be There For You, Even If You Do Hate Me." I Shivered. "i Don't Want Him," I Said, And Al Turned Away, Seeming Smaller Somehow.

Sweet Mother Of Chaos," He Breathed. "rachel, You Are Indeed One Of Us. Have Your Time In The Sun. You're Worth The Extra Wait.

I Frowned, Wondering If Trent Would Mind Being The Size Of A Fairy For A Day. He Could Talk To The Newest Tenants In His Garden.

But He's Rachel Candy!" -both Jenks And Al

Don't Fall Into The Trap Of Having To Have Everything Perfect To Write Or Wait Until The Mood Strikes You. If You Want It As A Job, Treat It Like A Job, And Just As You Don't Go To Work Only When You Feel Like It, You Have To Condition Yourself To Sit And Write Even When The Ideas Don't Flow.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,” He Said, Very Still And Unmoving. “always Jumping To The Wrong Conclusion. You’re Like A Frog, You Know.

What Are You Doing Now?" Al Questioned "seeing If Your Circumcision Is Gone? It Is. My Expression Went Blank, And Trent Hesitated. He Looked At Me, And I Put A Hand To My Mouth, Face Flaming. "oh. My. God. Trent. I'm Sorry" "um" Trent Said, Clearly At A Loss. "call Me Tomorrow," Al Said Seriously, "i've Got A Curse That Will Take Care Of That. Unless You Like The Snake In A Turtleneck Look

I Smell Pancakes," Al Said As He Jauntily Smacked Pierce's Hat Back On The Witch's Head. "did The Runt Make You Breakfast?" Al Said, Leaning Over The Stove. "quickest Way To A Woman's Crotch Is Through Her Gullet, Eh?" He Said, Leering At Pierce, Who Was Now Rinsing Out The Percolator. "is It Working? I'd Be Curious To Know. I'd Buy Her A Cake Or Something.

The Demon Had Trouble Remembering What She Was Doing, But She Was Powerful, Sort Of The Crazy Wendy Of The Lost Lord-of-the-flies Boys.

I Tried To Breathe, Failing. I Clutched Her To Me, Tears Slipping From Under My Closed Eyes. It Was As If Her Soul Was Liquid Fire And I Could Feel Her Aura, Swirling About Mine. She Was Taking My Aura. But I Wanted To Give It To Her, To Cat Her In A Small Part Of Me And Protect Her. Her Needs Made Her So Fragile.

I Never Considered I Might Make A Career Out Of Writing As I Was Going To School, So When I Did Turn My Attentions That Way, I Was Very Ill Prepared, Having Only What I Read As A Guide, And No Formal Training Whatsoever. I Credit That Very Ignorance With A Great Deal Of My Success.

Listen Before You Draw Your Battle Lines, Lest You Alienate Your Allies.

He Didn't Want Lucy To Grow Up Feeling Alone, Surrounded By Everything And Having Nothing.

Her Tiny Hand Gripped Mine With A Surprising Warmth, And In A Shocking Wash Of Emotion, I Felt Everything I Knew Shift. The Scent Of Cinnamon And Baby Powder Hit Me, And As My Eyes Widened, My Heart Melted, Making Room For Her.

I Like The Second Better, But The First Fits With The Vampire Watching What She Can’t Have.” I Blinked. “what He Can’t Have,” I Amended, Flushing.

My Blood Rose, Mixing With My Lingering Fear Of The Unknown To Drive Her To A Fever Pitch. Her Lips Touched My Lower Neck And Vertigo Spun The Room, Burning Tracings Of Desire To Settle Deep And Low In Me. I Exhaled Into The Promise Of More To Come, Calling It To Me. I Breathed It In Like Smoke, The Rising Passion Starting A Feeling Of Abandonment Inside. I Didn’t Care Anymore If It Was Right Or Wrong. It Just Was.

Maybe If I Didn't Say Anything About What Happened, We Could Get Back To The Way We Were. Ignoring A Problem Was A Perfectly Acceptable Way To Deal With It, As Long As Both People Agree Never To Bring It Up Again.

Elves Apparently Had A Short Childhood. Not Like Witches, Who Seemed To Take Forever To Grow Up, According To Jenks.

Puppy Presents On The Rug. This Sucked.

Breaking Rules Isn't Bad When What You're Doing Is More Important Than The Rule Itself

With A Gentle Pressure, Our Lips Met. His Hands Slipped More Firmly About Me, And I Held Myself Back, Not Afraid, But Wanting To Feel Everything Slowly As I Leaned In, Tasting The Wine On Him, Feeling The Warmth Of His Body Pressing Into Mine, Breathing In Our Scents That Were Mingling And Changing With The Warmth. My Hands Rose To Find His Hair, And I Relaxed Into Him As The Silky Strands Brushed Through My Fingers. I Wanted More, And I Leaned Into Him As Our Lips Moved Against Each Other.

Relief Spilled Into Me. He Wanted To Live. He Just Didn't Know How.

It Is Not Always What We Do, Sa'han, But Who We Love That Makes Us Who We Are. Quen

I Sighed. I Hated The Maze Of Bureaucracy With A Passion, But I've Found The Best Way To Deal With It Is To Smile And Act Stupid. That Way, No One Gets Confused.

Making A Spell Is Easy. It's Trusting You Did It Right That's Hard.

You Just Click Your Heels And Think There's No Place Like Being Pwned.

Lately I’d Begun Carrying Pain Amulets In My Bag, Like Some People Have Breath Mints.

Good God,” I Whispered, Sitting On The Van’s Cot And Looking At My Legs, Horrified. They Were Hairy—not Wolf Hairy, But An I-couldn’t-find-my-razor-the-last-six-months Hairy. Utterly Grossed Out, I Took A Peek At My Armpit, Jerking Away. Oh, That’s Just…nasty.

Pierce Jerked His Hand From Trent And Pushed Himself Straight. “kalamack Industries,” He Said, Expression Twisted As He Wiped His Hand On His Pants. “i Knew Your Father.” “i Do Not Freaking Believe This,” I Said, Shifting To Stand Where I Could See Both Of Them. Al Beamed. “amazing Who You Can Meet In An Elevator.

I Was Having Coffee With My Bodyguard. I Didn't Expect To Be Hunting Bad Guys Until Later. Leather Before Sundown Is Tacky.

I Said School Starts Tomorrow. I Didn’t Say I Was Going To Be There.

A Devious Spark Lit Through Al, Making Me Smile. One Way. It Costs Too Much, He Said. “there’s No Inflation In The Ever-after, Al.” Call It A Recession Then. One Way.

See, This Was Why I Liked Coffee. You Couldn’t Screw Up Making Coffee. Even The Bad Stuff Was Good.

As The Joke Goes, You Don’t Have To Be Faster Than The Wolf Chasing You, Just Faster Than Everyone Else Running Away.

Al Was Standing A Bare Three Feet Away, His Mood Almost Jovial As He Took The Paper And It Vanished In A Wash Of Black Sparkles. “thank You, Rachel,” He Said, Carefully Reaching For My Hand As Trent Stiffened. “welcome Back, My Itchy Witch.

My God", He Whispered. What Have I Done To Her? He Thought, Humbled. The Spell Was Broken, But It Wasn't Sealed, And Her Soul Was Bare To Him, The Scars Of Her Tragic Past And Her Triumphs Over Pain And Her Aching Need To Find Her Place. He Just Wanted To Hold Her To Him And Tell Her It Would Be Okay, That She Had Survived And Was Beautiful.

Jenks Squinted At Me, And When Trent Nodded, The Pixy Gestured Sourly To Bis To Get On With It. A Four Inch Man Ruled Us All.

Have You Been Sniffing Fairy Farts?

Ford Put A Hand To His Head. “back Up. Back Up!” He Cried. “you’re Too Close.” Heart Pounding, I Looked At The Eight Feet Between Us And Pressed Into The Fridge. “i Think He Meant For The Ghost To Back Up,” Jenks Said Dryly.

Tension Pulled My Eyes Open When Her Fingers Traced A Trail Down My Neck. Sensation Blossomed, And I Threw My Head Back And Sucked In The Air. Her Arm Slipped Around My Waist, Catching Me Before I Fell.

She Was Only A Year Old, But Elves Grew Up Fast. Not Like Witches, Who Jenks Swore Were Not Able To Be On Their Own Until They Were Thirty. Ahem.

Maybe I Could Be Friends With A Ghost. I Wouldn’t Be Able To Kill Him.

I Felt Sick. Buying Kisten’s And My Safety From Piscary Was So Wrong. But It Was Either That Or Deal With A Demon, And I’d Rather Keep My Soul Clean And Let My Morals Get Dingy.

Tears Could Not Be Equal, If I Wept Diamonds From The Skies," Jenks Whispered, Empty And Bereft. "my Word Silent, Though I Should Howl. Muffled By Death, My Wings Can't Lift Me High Enough To Find You. I Feel You Within. Unaware Of My Pain. Not Knowing Why I Mourn. And Why I Breathe Alone.

What Are You Doing Now?” Al Questioned, Listing Heavily As He Tucked Another One Of Those Bottles Under His Arm And Staggered For The Cot Half Hidden Behind A Curtain. “seeing If Your Circumcision Is Gone? It Is.

Hate Is All That Keeps Us Alive When Love Is Gone. You’re Almost There. Not Quite Ready To Let It Go Yet.

Teens Like A Lot Of The Same Things Adults Do: Smart People Doing Amazing Things Against Awful Odds.

She Had Given Me A Piece Of What Made Her Life Sane.

A Witch, A Vampire, And A Pixy Walk Into A Bar, I Thought As I Led The Way Into The Squirrel’s End. It Was Early, And The Sun Had Yet To Set When The Door Swung Shut Behind Jenks, Sealing Us In The Warm Air Smelling Faintly Of Smoke. Immediately Nick Yanked It Open To Come In Behind Us. And There’s The Punch Line.

Of Course I’m Shielding Her, You Broken Feather!

It’s A Cat. Boy, You Couldn’t Slip Anything Past Me Tonight.

If He Betrays You, I Will Finish What I Started With His Fingers," He Said, And I Shivered. "tell Him That.

And I’m Not Spying! I’m Evaluating!” “it’s The Same Difference!

She Just Threatened To Throw The Next Man Who Shoots At You Out The Window. Megan Is Awake. She Offered To Help. God, Trent, What Is It With You And Women?

A Compassion Swirled Form Nowhere In The High I Was Lost In. She Needed Me. She Needed Me To Accept Her For What She Was. And When I Realized That I Had It Within Myself To Give Her At Least This Small Part Of Me, The Last Of My Fear Melted Away.

God, If You Ever Loved Me, Open My Eyes For Me When I'm Being This Stupid! (ron)

She’s Not Much Of A Team Player, More Of A Team Yeller.

I'll Wait For You Under The Bluebells. I'll Be There Always.

The Car Picked Up Speed, And The Sound Seemed To Lull Me.i Could Relax, I Thought As I Felt The Tingling Of Circulation In My Limbs. I Was In Trent’s Car, Wrapped In A Blanket, And Held In His Arms. He Wouldn’t Let Anything Hurt Me. He Wasn’t Singing, Though,i Mused.shouldn’t He Be Singing?

I Suddenly Realized That A Bunch Of My Friends Needed Babysitters And Vowed To Start Screening My Calls.

Plan B?' Ivy Said. 'what Is Plan B?' Jenks Reddened. 'grab The Fish And Run Like Hell,' He Muttered, And I Almost Giggled.

Be Reasonable. I Know You Can Be. If You Try Very, Very Hard.” - Al To Rachel

They Tried To Kill Me,” He Said, His Brow Furrowed As He Glared At Them. “you Saw Them!” “yeah?” I Spouted Off. “they Weren’t Very Good At It!” (trent And Rachel)

...it's Easier To Find A Way To Make Money At Something You Love Than To Learn To Love A Job That You Can Make Money At.

I Want…” He Said, Then Hesitated, Taking A Breath Of Air And Lifting His Chin. “i Want One Pure Thing In My Life,” He Said Loudly, His Voice Ringing In The Red-tinted Air. “i Want One Thing I Can Point To And Say, ‘that Is Good, And It’s A Part Of Me.

The Warm Dampness Of Her Breath Made Me Shiver At The Mix Of The Familiar And The Unknown, With A Soft Exhalation She Shifted Her Head And Her Lips Found My Collarbone, Teasingly Shy Of My Old Scar. Tendrils Pulsed In Time With My Heart, Building On The Ones Before To An Unseen Height.

Trent Looked Me Up And Down. “is That All You’re Going To Do?” My Pulse Quickened, And I Gazed At The Front Of The Basilica Where The Scratching Was Coming From. “i Might Have A Snack Later If Nothing Comes Through Those Doors.

Don’t Stereotype, Jenks. Hapa Is An Equal-opportunity Hate Group,” I Said.

I'd Say She's Get Us Both Fired, But The I.s. Doesn't Let Anyone Go. Alive.

Hey!" I Exclaimed, Seeing The Total. "they're Charging Me Retail. Glenn!" I Complained. "they Can't Do That." I Shook It At Him. "i Shouldn't Have To Pay Retail!" "what Did You Expect? You Can Keep That. It's Your Copy." I Sat Back In A Huff And Shoved It In My Bag With My Sticky Scarf As He Typed His Slow, Painful Way Through My Report. "where's This Human Compassion I Keep Hearing About?" "that's It, Baby Doll," He Said, Voice Smoother Than Usual. He Was Laughing At Me.

Inside Junior's It Was Peaceful. I Can Change That, I Thought Dryly.

Keep Your Vampire Mitts Off Me. I'm Not Your Friggin' Blood Toy.

Wayde Yelled, And I Hit Him Again, Adrenaline Pulling A Scream Of Outrage From Me. He Went Quiet, And I Held My Breath To Make Sure I Could Hear Him Breathing. I Suppose I Could Have Used My Magic On Him, But This Was A Lot More Satisfying.

Growing Up Is Hard, Love. Otherwise Everyone Would Do It.

Actually, I Am Kind Of Busy Right Now,” I Drawled As I Settled Back Into The Chair And Closed My Eyes. “you Have To Make Melanin While The Sun Shines.

I Pushed Him Away, Catching Lee's Awe That I Was Not Only Standing With A Demon Outside A Circle, But That Al Was Treating Me Like An Equal. Or Maybe A Favorite Pet, I Amended As Al Caught Me When I Started To Tilt.

Al Was Looking At Me In Disbelief. “not Your Lover?” “no.” “but He Is Rachel Candy,” Al Said, His Confusion Too Honest To Be Faked.

Jenks Laughed, Taking To The Air And Saying, “give It Up, Fib Man. It’ll Take More Than You To Get Her Out. Remember What Ivy And I Did To Your Finest Last Spring? Add Rachel To That, And You Can Say Your Prayers.” From Behind Me Came Edden’s Dry “you Think Ivy Wants Another Stint As A Candy Striper?

Coffee. I Could Smell Coffee. Coffee Would Make Everything Better.

...treat People With Understanding When You Can, And Fake It When You Can't Until You Do Understand.

Looking At Everything, I Started To Feel Nauseous, As If The Seventies Had Taken Refuge Here Against Extinction And Were Preparing To Take Over The World.

Rachel, We've Been Over This. This Is What I Do," He Said, Crumbs Of Whiten Cheese Falling From The Knife. "find A Way For Your Lofty, Unrealistic Ideals To Deal With It.

I Wish I Could Say I Write 9-5. It's Usually More Like 8-6, Every Day But The Weekends.

I Ought To File Charges Of Uncommon Stupidity Against You For Letting Her Try This Alone." ~ Newt, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

You Tried To Slide His Original Curse Back Onto Him?” Al Said In Wonder. “at The Restaurant? And I Stopped You? Sweet Mother Pus Bucket!” He Exclaimed, And I Swear, Dust Sifted From The Ceiling. “rachel, We Have To Work On This Communication Thing.

I Opine-i Think You're A Woman Of Your World,' He Said From The Far End Of The Couch. 'i Would Have A Hard Time Seeing You Pressed And Powdered, Dreading A Life Of Servitude Under The Name Of Marriage. You'd Die In That Mold. I Like You As You Are, Fiery And Ill Tempered.

Minias Smiled. Great. Another Charming Demon. I Sort Of Prefer The Insane Ones.

I Just Want My Name Back So My Life Can Go Back To Chaotic And Weird Instead Of Chaotic And Desperate.

I Want One Thing I Can Point To And Say, 'that Is Good, And It's A Part Of Me.'

Hey, Ah, Does Anyone Want A Cookie Or Something? Oh Yeah. A Cookie. That Would Make Everything Better. Dunked In A Shot Of Tequila , Maybe? Or Better Yet, Just The Bottle? Yeah, That Ought To Do It.

Nick As In My Former Boyfriend Nick. Ex-rat, Ex-boyfriend, Ex-alive If I Ever Got Hold Of Him Nick.

Apparently Their Numerous Tattoos Gave Them Protection Against The Cold As They Had No Coats.

I Told You, Computers Are Like Women. If You Shout At Them Or Ask Them To Do Too Many Things At Once, They Shut Down And You Won't Even Get A Sniff" Pg. 4

That Was Humanity's Problem Right There. They Are Brain Damaged From The Early Sun

His Eyes Met Mine At The Soft Touch, And A Chime Seemed To Shake The Ley Line, Realigning The Universe. He Was Mine.

And Then There Are The Rare Ones Who Know Love, Who Understand It. Who Freely Give Of Themselves, Demanding Only A Return Of That Love,that Trust.

He Wanted That Again, That Feeling Of Standing With Her Against All Odds And Succeeding. He Wanted It So Bad, He Was Going To Risk Destroying Everything He And His Father Had Worked For.

I Gestured My Frustration. “i Don’t Know. She’s Much Better Already. She Wasn’t Talking Half An Hour Ago. Look At Her Now.” We All Turned, Finding Ceri Sobbing Quietly And Drinking Her Tea In Small Reverent Sips As The Pixy Girls Hovered Over Her. Three Were Plating Her Long, Fair Hair And Another Was Singing To Her. Okay,” I Said As We Turned Back. “bad Example.

Shot Me Twice. I Want My Name, Or I'm Going To Start Charging You A Fee Every Time I Field Something For You. And It's Going To Be Expensive. I'm Park Place. Bud-dy." His Red, Goat-slitted Eyes Squinted At Me From Over His Smoked Glasses. "you're More Like Oriental Avenue Right Now, Dove. What Are You On?

Money Drives The World, But When Everything Falls Apart To Leave The Underpinnings Of Our Life Bare To The Scrutiny Of Critics And Thieves, The Only Thing Remaining, The Only Thing That Can't Be Taken Away, Is The Love You Hold For The People You Care About.

Just So You Know, I’ve Trusted You Since Camp.

You Think My Kids Just Popped Out Of The Ground?

You Bet Your Grannie's Panties I Will.

Jenks, You Can Fly Me Up The Rest Of The Way To Trent, And Then Pow! I Give Trent His Statue." "pow, You'll Be Naked!" Jenks Exclaimed. (rachel And Jenks)

I Am Black,” She Said, And A Shudder Rippled Through Me. “i Am Foul With A Thousand Years Of Demon Curses. Don’t Cross Me Or I Will Bring You And Your House Down. Rachel Is The Only Clean Thing I Have, And You Won’t Sully Her To Further Your High Ideas.

Endings Are Not Always Bad. Most Times They're Just Beginnings In Disguise.

What Are You?" I Rasped. It Smiled. "whatever Scares You.

How Many Mistakes Can One Life Survive?

I’m Not Going Anywhere With You, You Little Shoemaker,” I Said (rachel To Trent)

Face It, You Stupid Little Cookie Maker,” Jenks Said, Almost Sounding Fond, “in The Last Couple Of Days You’ve Seen What It’s Like To Be In A Family, With All The Touchy Tempers And Irritation That Goes On. Now You Get To See The Other Side, Where We Do Stupid Stuff For Each Other Just Because We Like You. Rache Is The Little Sister. Ivy’s The Big Sister. I’m The Uncle From Out Of State, And You’re The Rich Nephew No One Likes But We Put Up With You Anyway Because We Feel Sorry For You. Just Let Me Help, Huh? It Won’t Kill You.

A Slow Smile Curved Over My Face, And I Leaned Down Over Him. "no," I Said. "wishes Are Lies. Tell Me You're Going To Leave. Tell Me You're Not Going To Stay. Tell Me That It's Only For A While So I Can Enjoy Today," I Whispered In His Ear, As If Saying It Louder Would Break Me. "and When You Go, Don't Think Me Cold When I Don't Cry. I Can't Cry Anymore, Pierce. It Hurts Too Much.

Numb, I Took The Perfectly Browned Puff. Okay. Let Me See If I Have This Right. Al Provokes Me Into Defending Myself. I Nearly Kill Him. Then Newt Tries To Kill Me, Thinking I'm Ku'sox. Al Stops Her, Saving My Life. And Now We're All Going To Have S'mores Together?

I Thought Trent Should Get Over His Pixy Paranoia And Admit He Had An Eerie Attraction To Them, Like Every Other Pure-blood Elf I’d Met. So He Liked Pixies. I Liked Double-crunch Ice Cream, But You Didn’t See Me Avoiding It In The Grocery Store.

The Car Was Full Of Unhappy People Heading West. It Was The Great American Family Road Trip, All Right. Whaaa-hoo!

Men,” She Said As She Took My Arm And Led Me To The Brightly Lit Room. “they Forget We Need To See The Outcome Of Pain Before We Willingly Put Ourselves Through It. How Else Would We Suffer Nine Months To Have A Beautiful Child? We Already Know We Have Guts.

It Stinks Of Trains And That Chili With The Chocolate In It. Ooooh, Books!" He Exclaimed Suddenly, Making A Beeline For The Small Library. (al)

My Eyes Widened At The Ball Of Orange Fluff Squeezing Out From Under The Counter, Blinking And Stretching. I Looked Again, Not Believing. “it’s A Cat,” I Said, Winning The Pulitzer Prize For Incredible Intellect.

I'd Never Seen A Man Who Could Outshop Me, But Jenks Was A Master.

Together We Made Our Way From The Service Entrances In Back To The Front, Jenks Shedding Clothes And Handing Them To Me To Stuff In My Bag Every Few Yards. It Was Terribly Distracting, But I Managed To Avoid Running Into The Dumpsters And Recycling Bins.

Cincinnati Morgue, An Equal-opportunity Service Since 1966.

Who’s Going To Keep Them From Wiping Us Out Species By Species? Not Me. We Aren’t Prepared For A New Demographic Of Magic-using Humans Who Are Sadistic, Power Hungry, Don’t Like Inderlanders, And See Genocide As An Acceptable Form Of Communication.

Life Was Going On, And No One But A Handful Of People Cared If I Lived Or Died.

You!” She Said, Stepping Forward With A Vehement Expression And Her Finger Pointed. Heart Pounding, I Pressed Into Al. Funny How He Seemed So Much Safer Now. (newt, Rachel And Al)

By Tink's Diaphram...!

Sure Am Glad I'm Not Royalty," I Muttered. "i Wouldn't Want To Have To Bump Uglies With Someone I Can't Stand. On A Regular Basis. And No One Else." "ow!" I Exclaimed, Trying To Yank My Fingers From Trent But Finding Them Caught. Then I Colored, Realizing What I'd Said. "oh… Sorry," I Stammered, Meaning It. "that Was Insensitive." Trent's Frown Turned Into A Sly Smirk. "bump Uglies?" He Said, Eyes On The Table Behind Me. "you Are A Font Of Gutter Slang, Rachel. We Must Do This Again.

Okay, You Drive," She Said. "i'll Sit With M Head Hanging Out Of The Window Like A Golden Retriever.

Golden Retrievers

My Office Is Trashed,” He Grumped As He Squished Across His Damp Carpet And Took The Coffee That I Was Holding Out To Him. “why Are You Smiling? My Fish Are Dead.

Confused, I Asked, "the Coven's What?" "plumber," Ivy Said, Looking Pale As She Leaned On Glenn. "you Know. Stops Leaks?" Oh Goodie. I'm A Leak.

We All Watched Al Open The Door. Turning, He Waved To Us, Then Passed The Threshold. The Door Shut Behind Him. I Waited For Something To Happen. Nothing Did. “this Isn’t Good,” Quen Said. I Choked Back My Burst Of Laughter, Knowing It Would Come Out Sounding Hysterical.

Piscary Killed People, But He Didn’t Have The Concept Of Pity Or Remorse. It Would Be Like Telling A Shark He Was A Bad Fish And To Stop Eating People. But Trent? He Knew He Was Doing Wrong, And He Did It Anyway.

If It Was Up To Me, I’d Choose The Hard Path With The Easy Ending, Not The Easy Path With The Hard End.

No Exclusive,” I Said Aloud, Watching Al For His Opinion And Seeing Him Shake His Head And Hold His Hands Out In A “bigger” Gesture. He Didn’t Even Know How Large The Offer Was, And He Thought I Could Get One Bigger.

Nothing Is So Hard That It Can't Be Found By Searching.

Avoiding Me, Quen Downed A Swallow Of Wine. "trent Is A Fine Young Man," He Said, Watching The Remaining Wine Swirl. "yes... " I Drawled, Cautiously. "if You Can Call A Drug Lord And Outlawed-medicine Manufacturer A Fine Young Man.

Join Us Next Time For Days Of The Undead When Rachel Learns Her Long Lost Brother Is Really A Crown Prince From Outer Space.

...everyone Had To Eat, But Eating People Wasn't Polite.

I Didn’t Know What I Was Going To Say, A Feeling That Was Compounded When The Line Clicked Open And Trent’s Very Muzzy Voice Murmured, “rachel? Mmm, Hi.

Somehow I Found Him. Somehow I Found Al's Sarcastic Thoughts, Bitter And Old. Tired, Angry, Bored. Alone.

The Demon's Eyes Flicked To Mine, His Smile Widening. "this Is Nicholas Gregory Sparagmos's Room," He Said, And My Breath Caught. "delightful, Just Delightful! What Are You Doing In Nicky's Room, Rachel? Ooooh, He Summoned You To The West Coast, Didn't He? Did You Kill Him? Good For You For Taking Care Of That Little Problem! I Should Give You A Bunny. Where Is He? Stuffed In A Closet?" ~ Algaliarept, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

Gaily, If You Can't Demonstrate The Ability To Keep Her Alive, Then I Will Take Over Her Care And Get You A Dog Instead." - Newt

I’d Given Up On The White Picket Fence After Kisten Had Died—finding Out My Kids Would Be Demons Was The Nail In The Coffin.

His Right Ear Still Held Both Studs, And I Wondered Who Had The Missing Earring. I Would Have Asked, But Was Afraid He’d Tell Me Ivy Had It.

Hapa Was Like Mint. You Could Rip It Up, And Six Months Later, It Was Back, Healthier Than Ever. Mint Smelled Better, Though, And You Could Make Juleps Out Of It. I Don’t Know What I Could Make Out Of Hapa. Compost, Maybe.

There Is Black. There Is White. Gray Is A Cowardly Excuse To Mix Our Wants With Our Needs.

Al's Voice Was Faint But Resolute. "stand Up. Try To Look Sexy." "in A Bedsheet?" I Complained, Running My Hands Down It. "how Can I Look Sexy In A Bedsheet?" He Cleared His Throat, And I Grimaced. "never Mind.

Sure, It Was Nice Now, But Eventually There Would Be Running And Screaming And Blood On The Floor.

She Smiled With The Warmth Of A Penguin.

I Won’t Snatch, Harm, Or Scare To Death People With You Or Use Checking Up On You As An Excuse To Cause Trouble. You’re Worse Than My Mother, Rachel.” “mine, Too,” Jenks Muttered.

Algaliarept Varied Its Shape, Sifting Through My Mind Without Me Even Knowing To Choose What Scared Me The Most. Once It Had Been Ivy. Then Kisten —until I Had Pinned Him In An Elevator In A Foolish Moment Of Vampire-induced Passion. It's Hard To Be Scared Of Someone After You've French-kissed Him.

I Have To Save The World Tomorrow, And I Don't Even Know What I'm Going To Wear Yet.--rachel Morgan

Rachel, You Take Her,” My Mother Said, Clearly Uncomfortable. “she Might Like You.” “no. Mom, No!” I Protested, But It Was My Mother We Were Talking About, And It Was Either Take The Baby Or Have Her Hit The Floor.

Al Was Cruel, Vindictive, Angry, Elegant, Powerful. He Gave Me Strength, He Gave Me Wisdom, Not Only About Magic, But About Myself. He Was A Lot Like Trent, Only Harsher Around The Edges.

Tinks Titties Rache Jenks

I Sighed. "and What Am I To You, Al?" "my Maid," He Said Brightly. "shall We Do This?

I’ve Got Your Back. Nothing Alive Will Ever Hurt You If I Have Breath In Me. And Nothing Dead Will Hurt You If I Don’t.” (kisten)

People Die, Rachel," Ceri Said, Her Cheeks Flushing. "not If I Can Help It," I Snapped. "and Not Of A Broken Heart. If You Could, I'd Be Dead Already.

I Was Cold, Hungry, And In A Hole In The Ground. But At Least I Had My Elven Porn, Damnit!

Big Lots,' I Said, Seeing The Eighty-year-old Oaks And Shady Lawns. The Houses Were Set Way Back And Had Iron Fences And Stone Drives. The Harder To Hear Your Neighbors Scream, My Dear,' Was David’s Answer, And I Sent My Head Up And Down In Agreement.

It Was A Nice Bit Of Blackmail That Kept Him Off My Back, But He Refused To Take The Message That I Wasn’t Going To Work For Him. ’course, That Might Be My Fault…since I Seemed Unable To Say No When He Waved Enough Money At Me.

Trent And Ellasbeth Did The Nasty? Ewwww!

Boots And Leather Jackets Were Strewn On Her Bed, And What Looked Like A New Knife Set. She’d Taken A Class Last Winter And Was Dying To Try Them Out Legally On Someone.

Did Something Happen To The Sanctity Of Your Church Again?" My Eye Twitched. "newt Broke It So She Could Look In My Closet." Again.

Where Did He Go!” He Bellowed, Gloved Hands Clenching. “i Had Him In A Snare That Would Take Alexander The Great A Lifetime To Untwist, And He Did It In A Week!” Al Took A Step, Pinwheeling As His Booted Heel Found An Ice Cube.

Kisten, Please Don't Leave Me," I Begged, And His Eyes Opened. "i'm Cold," He Said, Fear Rising In His Blue Eyes. I Held Him Tighter. "i'm Holding You. It's Going To Be Okay." "tell Ivy," He Said With A Gasp, Clenching In On Himself. "tell Ivy That It Wasn't Her Fault. And Tell Her That At The End... You Remember Love. I Don't Think... We Lose Our Souls... At All. I Think God Keeps Them For Us Until We... Come Home. I Love You, Rachel." "i Love You, Too, Kisten," I Sobbed, And As I Watched, His Eyes, Memorizing My Face, Silvered, And He Died.

You Had This All Planned, Didn’t You?' I Accused. 'thought You Could Come In Here And Seduce Me Like You Do Everyone Else?' It Wasn’t As If I Could Be Angry, Lying Atop Him As I Was, But I Tried.

Ah, Jenks? It’s Not A Lake, It’s A Friggin’ Freshwater Ocean. Did You See The Size Of The Tanker Going Under The Bridge When We Came Into Town? The Wake From It Could Tip Us. I’m Not Canoeing It Unless Your Name Is Pocahontas.

You Think Ivy's A Planner? She Has Nothing On A Motivated Elf With Too Much Money.

Shut Up," I Hissed. Ticked That He Was Taller Than Me, I Stepped Up Onto A Nearby Coffee Table. "i'm Not In A Cage Anymore," I Said, Keeping Enough Presence Of Mind Not To Poke Him In The Chest With A Finger. His Face Went Startled, Then Cloric. "the Only Thing Between Your Head And My Foot Becoming Real Close And Personal Right Now Is My Questionable Professionalism. And If You Ever Threaten Me Again, I'll Slam You Halfway Across The Room Before You Can Say Number-two Pencil. Got It, You Tall Freak Of Nature?

Presence Of Mind

That's Why I Want You There, He Said. You're Unpredictable, And That Can Be The Difference Between Success And Failure. Most People Make Decisions In Anger, Fear, Love, Or Obligation. You Make Decisions To Irritate People.

He Froze As The Scent Of Her Hair Met Him. It Was Touching His Cheek,tickling Him. I Cant Afford This, He Thought, But He Didnt Move, Watching Her Finger Trace The New Line. "he Cracked My Mirror,"she Said, Clearly Angry.

Like The End Of A Picnic, All The Weenies Will Be Roasted.

I Grew Up Reading Sf In The 70s And 80s, And I Like Fast, Thought-provoking Plots That Take You Places In Fully Realized Worlds.

Thought Provoking

Hey,” The Other Said, Coming To Life. “you’re Supposed To Be In Jail.” Al Grinned At Him, His White-gloved Grip Tightening On The Wooden Handle, Which Was Intricately Carved In The Shape Of A Naked, Writhing Woman. Nice. “and Your Momma Wanted You To Have A Brain,” He Said, Yanking The Door Open And Slamming It Into The Guy’s Face.

And While Seeing Trent In His Tighty-whities Would Make My Decade, I’d Found Out Long Ago That I Couldn’t Stay Mad At A Man Wearing Nothing But Underwear. They Looked So Charmingly Vulnerable.

Memories Of Ice And Trent Surfaced, And I Wrapped My Arms Around My Middle. I Had Saved Him, And He Had Saved Me. What Was Wrong With Us?

For All His Sourness, He Was Ruled By His Heart.

Don’t You Listen To Them, Rexy,” I Cooed, And The Cat Sniffed My Nose. “rachel Is A Smart Girl. She’s Not Going To Go Out With A Ghost No Matter How Sexy He Is. She Knows Better. Jenkskie Wenskie Can Just Get Bent.” I Beamed At Jenks, And He Made An Ugly Face. “rache, Put My Cat Down Before You Mess With Her Kitty Brain.

If I’d Been Hit With The Same Thing As Glenn, I Probably Had His Doctor. The Thought Seemed About Right When Glenn Shrank Back In His Chair With A Guilty Expression. The Tomato, Too, Was In Hiding Somewhere. I Didn’t Want To Know Where. I Truly Didn’t.

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