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There Was [ In New York] - Some Of It Was This Perception Of The Midwest That I Realized In This Multicultural City That - And I Don't Think It's As True As It Was - But Everyone Was Kind Of Like, What, Are You Jewish? Are You Italian? What Are You? You Know, Are You Black? Are You Da-da-da? Are You Puerto Rican? And So I Ended Up - My Ethnic Identity Was Midwestern, Was White Bread. And So It Informed A Lot Of My Stand-up.

-Jim Gaffigan

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There Was [ In

Jim Gaffigan

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There Was [ In New York] - Some Of It Was This Perception Of The Midwest That I Realized In This Multicultural City That - And I Don't Think It's As True As It Was - But Everyone Was Kind Of Like, What, Are You Jewish? Are You Italian? What Are You? You Know, Are You Black? Are You Da-da-da? Are You Puerto Rican? And So I Ended Up - My Ethnic Identity Was Midwestern, Was White Bread. And So It Informed A Lot Of My Stand-up.

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The Appetizer Is Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. Let's See, I Will Start With The Eighty Buffalo Wings.

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Obesity Epidemic

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Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

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Introducing New

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Falling In Love

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I Was Still Rooting For Notre Dame.it's Like There's The Cultural Catholic Experience.

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

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I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

Personal Things

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Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

People Get Burned Out In Big Families, You Can Even See It In The Naming Of Children. Like The First Kid, "you Were Named After Grandma." The Seventh Kid, "you Were Named After A Sandwich I Had. Now Get Your Brother, Reuben."

Holidays Are Also An Opportunity For Kids To Unlearn Every Good Habit They've Learned During The Rest Of The Year. They Don't Go To School. They Get To Stay Up Past Their Bedtime. They Get Candy And Presents For Doing Nothing. Childhood Utopia.

But In Indiana It's Not Like New York Where Everyone's Like, 'we're From New York And We're The Best' Or 'we're From Texas And We Like Things Big' It's More Like 'we're From Indiana And We're Gonna Move.

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

When I'm In Touch With The Idea That There Is A Higher Power And That There Is, You Know, Other Factors At Work, It - It Kind Of Quells My Narcissism.

I Realized, In Removing Or Rewriting These Jokes, That Often The Jokes Weren't Done Or That I Was Using, For Me, The Curse Words As Kind Of A Crutch. So Then I Just Started Writing.

You Didn't Question - Kind Of Like, You Would Go To College. You Would Wear A Tie To Work. You Would, You Know, You Would Work For 40 Years. And Then You Would Play Golf For Three Years, And Then You Would Die. That Was How I Was Raised.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

I Reached A Point In My Life Where I Didn't Really Like Who I Was.i Was Married To An Amazing Woman. I Had Children, And Yet There Was Frustration.

You Could Say That To The Pope. I Want To Talk To You About Jesus. He'd Be Like, Easy, Freak.

Stand-up Is So Rewarding, And I Enjoy The Acting Opportunities I've Had, But The Only Time I Really Feel Bad Is When I Feel Like I Have This Manufactured Belief That I Should Be Doing Something Else Or There Should Be Some Type Of Recognition. On An Intellectual Level, I Know It's Stupid.

I Don't Want To Be A Tv Star For The Sake Of Being On Tv. I Want To Have A Tv Show That's Based Around My Comedy.

really, There Are Two Types Of People Who Go Bowling. There Are People Who Really, Really Love Bowling. Then There Are The People That Are Like: Wouldnt It Be Hysterical If We Went Bowling?

I Like To Stay In A Hotel Where It's A Dome Of Silence. I Can Sit In My Room And Do Nothing.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

It's So Obvious The Weather Channel Is Pro Hurricane. Fair And Balanced My Ass.

I Recently Bought Extreme Chunky Peanut Butter. I Opened It Up.. .it Was Just Peanuts. Wow That Is Extreme!

All I Want To Do Is Be A Good Dad, But I'm Pretty Bad At It.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

What's Amazing About Doing Movies, Compared To Television, There's An Ending You Can See. There's An Enthusiasm To It.

I Grew Up In Sheepshead Bay.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

I Didn't Think That It's Something That Would Happen. I Didn't Think I Would Be In The Position, Emotionally Or Financially, To Be Able To Do That. But I've Been Lucky [to Have Big Family].

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

Do You Ever Leave A Message For Somebody And The Answering Machine Cuts You Off, And You Have To Decide Whether You Should Not Call Back, Or Call Back And Appear Like A Stalker? "hi. It's Me Again. I Forgot To Tell You That I'm Going To Kill You. Because I'm The Freak Who Keeps Calling And Calling."

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

Oh Great, Socks. You Know I'm Dying For Your Sins Right? Yeah, But Thanks For The Socks! They'll Go Great With My Sandals. What Am I, German?

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