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No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

-Jim Gaffigan

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No Matter How You

Jim Gaffigan

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No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

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I Can't Believe We Got Grades In Gym Class. I've Never Used Anything I Learned In There. "all Right, I'm Standing In Front Of A Room Full Of Strangers. Based On What I Learned In Gym Class, I Will Throw A Red Ball At A Fat Guy."

Do You Ever Leave A Message For Somebody And The Answering Machine Cuts You Off, And You Have To Decide Whether You Should Not Call Back, Or Call Back And Appear Like A Stalker? "hi. It's Me Again. I Forgot To Tell You That I'm Going To Kill You. Because I'm The Freak Who Keeps Calling And Calling."

I'm Not A Strict Vegetarian. I Do Eat Beef And Pork. And Chicken. But Not Fish 'cause That's Disgusting! How Do You Know When Fish Goes Bad? It Smells Like Fish Either Way! 'hey This Smells Like A Dumpster, Lets Eat It!'

I'm A Comedian, Which Is The Opposite Of A Lifestyle That Equips You To Be A Parent.

I Think That There's Part Of Me That Feels Like Maybe I Should Have Been More Social.

We Wrote About Having Five Kids And Bringing Them To Church. A Journalist At The Washington Post Wrote This Article Where The Headline Was "the New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And It Was A Bit Terrifying.

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Bacon Bits Are Like The Fairy Dust Of The Food Community.

After You Eat A Hot Pocket, Everything Will Taste Like Rubber For A Month!

One Of The Benefits Of Eating Salad Is That You Can Eat Tons Of It And Never Be Satisfied.

My Children Have Made Me A Better Man, Which Is - In The End, That's Probably More Important Than Two More Comedy Specials Or Being In Better Shape.

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

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I Reached A Point In My Life Where I Didn't Really Like Who I Was.i Was Married To An Amazing Woman. I Had Children, And Yet There Was Frustration.

A Lot Of People Are Like, "you're Doing Commercials?" And I Honestly Feel Like Those Sierra Mist Commercials Are Better Than A Lot Of Sitcoms I Get Offered. It's Hard Work, And I'm Paid A Lot Of Money, And I Do It Because I Love The Soda.

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

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Anyone Know If The Shuttles To Hell Will Have Wifi? Asking For A Friend.

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I Smoke Crack. I Get All My Dancers Together And We Do A Prayer.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

I Always Had This Romantic Notion Of Living In New York. I Just Felt Like, Everyone Could Be Different And Weird And Whatever They Are In New York.

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

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Whatever A Writer Gets Paid For His Book, It's Never Enough. I Think That's True. It's Hard Work. But In The End, You Wrote A Book. It's Something Real And Tangible That Sits On A Shelf Forever.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

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My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

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Horrible Person

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Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

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I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

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Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

The Ridiculousness And Idiocy Of Life Is Embraced And Examined. It Nurtures The Childhood Perspective In Everyone.

Stand-up Is An Amazing Art Form, I Think, Because It's All About You Having Complete Control Of The Situation, But Absolutely None.

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Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

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You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

I Think I Grew Up With The Idea That God Was A Punishing Being, Constructed Around Rules.

It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

Wouldn't It Have Been Weird To Go To High School With The Pope? You Know, Somebody Did, Someone's Sitting At Home, Watching Tv In Poland, They See The Pope, They Think, "that Guy Was A Jerk! He Was So Mean To Me And Now He's Pope? I Got A Swirly From The Pope!"

I'm Closer To Bob Newhart Than Rodney Dangerfield.

I Would Say I'm - In The Show, I'm A Cultural Catholic, Which Is What I Was.

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I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

I've Been Doing Theaters Like The Warner For About A Year And We've Found The Earlier You Get The Tickets On Sale The Better Idea You Get On How Many Shows We Will Be Doing.

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I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

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Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

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I Don't Want To Pick A Team. I Want To Make People Laugh And Hopefully Bring Some - Be Humorous About The Human Experience, You Know, Whether They're People Of Any Stripes Of Life.

You Know, I Want To Teach, But I Don’t Want To Read?

The Pearly Gates. Am I The Only One Who Finds It Odd That Heaven Has Gates? What Kind Of Neighborhood Is Heaven In?

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

My Wife's Gotten Really Lazy, Or As She Calls It, 'pregnant.'

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

I Don't Curse On Stage, But I Feel Like I Curse More Because I Have Kids And In Front Of My Kids. Not Intentionally.

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

Now That I'm Married And Have Two Beautiful Children, It Really Makes Me Appreciate... Being Alone.

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.

I'm Afraid Of A Couple Things. I'm Afraid Of Getting Caught Up In Other People's Expectations, Because I Feel Like That's An Ongoing Battle.

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

I Do Want Everyone To Feel Comfortable. That's Why I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus.

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

I'm Not A Foodie; I'm An Eatie. I Don't Have Anything Against Foodies. I Just Don't Have The Time Or The Interest To Do That Much Research.

I Think I Have A Lot Of Voices In My Head And I Guess My Inner Critic Is A Female.

How Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water.

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

I Was Always Told That Hoosier Came From When Settlers In The State, When A Stranger Came On Their Property They'd Say, "who's There? Who's There?" So People That Were From Indiana Were The People That Said "who's There?" But What Do I Know? I Don't Read Or Interact With People Outside The Internet.

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

It Is Amazing How Much More Amazing Sleep Is In The Morning. You Wake Up And You're Like, "i Stayed Up To Do What?! Watch Growing Pains? What Was I Thinking!?" But At Night You're Like, "la La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, Awesome! And I've Seen This Episode. That Kirk Cameron's Always In Trouble."

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We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

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Actually, The Reason I Look Like This Is Because My Father Was From Sweden And My Mother Was Elton John.

It's Strange How Interesting Your Dreams Are, But When Someone Tries To Tell You Their Dream You're Just Like "whatever! Why Don't You Send Me An E-mail So I Can Delete It?"

I Think Stand-up Comedy Is This - It's This Kind Of Indulgence And Narcissism.

The Dc Improv Food Is Amazingly Edible For A Comedy Club.

There Was [ In New York] - Some Of It Was This Perception Of The Midwest That I Realized In This Multicultural City That - And I Don't Think It's As True As It Was - But Everyone Was Kind Of Like, What, Are You Jewish? Are You Italian? What Are You? You Know, Are You Black? Are You Da-da-da? Are You Puerto Rican? And So I Ended Up - My Ethnic Identity Was Midwestern, Was White Bread. And So It Informed A Lot Of My Stand-up.

"entertainers Of Faith," Funnyman Jim Gaffigan Isn't Ashamed Of His Catholicism. He's Seen Here Leaving A New York Comedy Club With His Bible In Hand.

Every Now And Then I'll Read A Book, I'll Be So Proud Of Myself, I'll Try And Squeeze It Into Conversation. People Will Be Like, "hey Jim, How Ya Do-" "i Read A Book! Two Hundred And Fifty Pages!" "that's Great, What Was It About?" "no Idea! Took Me Three Years!"

I Would Say That Now I'm Somebody Who Goes To Church.

I Worked On Usa Today As A Topic For While. I Tried To Do Something On Hand Chairs, Chairs That Look Like Hands. I Really Tried. But Some Topics Are Not Truly Universal.

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

If I Was On An Airplane, The People In Coach Would Know Who I Am. But No One In First Class Would Know.

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

Personal Things

I Would Say Some Of The Food I Talk About That I Really Enjoy, Like Cake And Bacon, I Eat A Lot Less Than I Portray In My Act. But That Stuff That I Dislike, It's Pretty Sincere.

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

I Went To A Catholic University And There's Something About Being A Catholic-american. You Know, St. Patrick's Day Is, I'm Irish-catholic. There's Alcoholism In My Family. It's Like I've Got To Be Catholic, Right?

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

My Whole Comic Persona Is That Of A Guy Who Explores The Id: I Romanticize Gluttony, I Romanticize Laziness, And People Identify With That.

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

For Stand-up Comedians That Go Onstage And Get To Write And Perform And Direct, And Do All These Things, The Allure Of A Television Show Is Still There But If It Doesn't Offer A Level Of Creative Fulfillment, It's Oddly Unappealing.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

My Wife Always Asks Me Why I Don't Make The Bed. And I Respond With The Same Reason Why I Don't Tie My Shoes After I Take Them Off.

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