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Your Mother Will Never See You Again If You Do Not Marry Mr. Collins, And I Will Never See You Again If You Do; For I Shall Not Have My Best Warrior Resigned To The Service Of A Man Who Is Fatter Than Buddha And Duller Than The Edge Of A Learning Sword.

-Seth Grahame-Smith

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Your Mother Will Never

Seth Grahame-Smith

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Your Mother Will Never See You Again If You Do Not Marry Mr. Collins, And I Will Never See You Again If You Do; For I Shall Not Have My Best Warrior Resigned To The Service Of A Man Who Is Fatter Than Buddha And Duller Than The Edge Of A Learning Sword.

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And I Like A Mouse Who Has Taken A Cat For Its Tutor.

I Like My Zombies Slow And I Like My Zombies Stupid.

My Day Job Is Making Tv Shows.

So Long As This Country Is Cursed With Slavery, So Too Will It Be Cursed With Vampires.

I Would Much Prefer Their Minds To Be Engaged In The Deadly Arts Than Clouded With Dreams Of Marriage And Fortune, As Your Own So Clearly Is!

I Wrote One Terrible Manuscript After Another For A Decade And I Guess They Gradually Got A Little Less Terrible. But There Were Many, Many Unpublished Short Stories, Abandoned Screenplays And Novels... A Library Of Congress Worth Of Awful Literature.

We Pore Through Libraries, Dissecting The Classics" Henry Sturges- Vampire

Put The Car In "d" Set The Compass To "n" And Get The "f"out Of There

Sometimes We See The Civil War In Movies And Imagine These Neatly Aligned Rows Of Men With Muskets, Walking In Line To Shoot Each Other. In Reality The Things That Fascinated Me Were How Absolutely Ruthless And Violent So Many Engagements Were, How Much Suffering And How Men Were Not Prepared.

Thank You, Sir, But I Am Perfectly Content Being The Bride Of Death.

I Feel Like The Luckiest Guy On The Planet. But, I Literally Work All Day, Every Day, Seven Days A Week, 365 Days A Year, And That's Not An Exaggeration.

Any Man Who Has Seen The Face Of Death Knows Better Than To Seek Him Out A Second Time.

Movie Characters Rarely Get To Think Out Loud Or Talk Very Much About Their Emotions. Instead They Have To, Very Briefly, Show Their Feelings Through Their Action Or Through Dialog.

Miss Bennet, I Am Quite Aware Of Your Superior Talent For Cutting Down The Lord's Forsaken Flock. I Merely Mean To Spare Your Gown.' Thank You,' Said Elizabeth, Composing Herself, 'but I Should Rather My Gown Be Soiled Than My Honor.

If You Write Really Good Material, The Rest Just Falls Into Place. There's Really No Trick To It.

All I Ask Is That My Final Months Be Happy Ones, And That I Be Permitted A Husband Who Will See To My Proper Christian Beheading And Burial.

Your Quarrel Is With God. I Merely Wish To Offer Him The Opportunity To Judge You.

I Leave You, Hoping That The Lamp Of Liberty Will Burn In Your Bosoms Until There Shall No Longer Be A Doubt That All Mean Are Created Free And Equal.

My Job On 'dark Shadows' Was To Make It Fun And Funny, First And Foremost. It Can Still Be Dark And It Can Still Even Be Gory And Gothic At Times, But It Also Needed To Be Fun And It Needed To Be An Experience That People Would Enjoy Having.

Contrary To His Infallibly "honest" Image, Abe Wasn't Above Lying So Long As It Served A Noble Purpose.

This Is A Most Unfortunate Affair, And Will Probably Be Much Talked Of. But We Must Stem The Tide Of Idle Chatter, And Pour Into Our Wounded Bosoms The Soothing Balm Of Vengeance.

But There Are Others Of My Kind...those Who See Themselves As Lions Among Sheep. As Kings--superior To Man In Every Way. Why, Then, Should They Be Confined To Darkness? Why Should They Fear Man?

We May All Deserve Hell, But Some Of Us Deserve It Sooner Than Others.

Abraham Lincoln Comes From Nothing, Has No Education, No Money, Lives In The Middle Of Nowhere On The Frontier. And Despite The Fact That He Suffers One Tragedy And One Setback After Another, Through Sheer Force Of Will, He Becomes Something Extraordinary: Not Only The President But The Person Who Almost Single-handedly United The Country.

On The Contrary, There Is Something Pleasing About His Mouth When He Speaks. And There Is Something Of Dignity In The Way His Trousers Cling To Those Most English Parts Of Him.

The True Roll In Determing To Embrace Or Reject Anything Is Not Whether It Have Any Evil In It But Whether It Have More Of Evil Than Of Good. There Are Few Things Wholly Evil Or Wholly Good.

An Accomplished Woman Is One Who Has A Thorough Knowledge Of Music, Singing, Drawing, Dancing And The Modern Languages; She Must Be Well Trained In The Fighting Styles Of The Kyoto Masters And The Modern Tactics And Weaponry Of Europe.

Thorough Knowledge

It Is Their Nature, Beautiful And Simple. That You Would Destroy Such Beings, Mr. Lincoln, Such Superior Creatures, Seems Madness To Me.” “that You Speak Of Them With Such Reverence, Mr. Poe, Seems Madness To Me.” "can You Imagine It? Can You Imagine Seeing The Universe Through Such Eyes? Laughing In The Face Of Time And Death—the World Your Garden Of Eden? Your Library? Your Harem?

There Are So Many Stories To Tell In The Worlds Of Science Fiction, The Worlds Of Fantasy And Horror That To Confine Yourself To Even Doing Historical Revisionist Fiction, Whatever You Want To Call It - Mash-ups, Gimmick Lit, Absurdist Fiction - I Don't Know If I Want To Do That Anymore.

Elizabeth, Having Rather Expected To Affront Him, Was Amazed At His Gallantry; And Darcy Had Never Been So Bewitched By Any Woman As He Was By Her. He Really Believed, That Were It Not For The Inferiority Of Her Connections, He Should Be In Some Danger Of Falling In Love, And Were It Not For His Considerable Skill In The Deadly Arts, That He Should Be In Danger Of Being Bested By Hers--for Never Had He Seen A Lady More Gifted In The Ways Of Vanquishing The Undead.

Falling In Love

I Want To Be Judged Harshly Because That Forces Me To Really Sit Down And Focus.

The More Precious His Gift, The More Anxious God For Its Return.

Father May Have Been Wanting In Some Things, But Here He Was Masterful. Night Upon Night, I Marveled At His Power To Hold Listeners In Rapt Attention. He Could Tell A Story With Such Detail, Such Flourish, That Afterwards A Man Could Swear It Had Been His Own Memory, And Not A Tale At All.

He Begged To Know To Which Of His Fair Cousins The Excellency Of Its Cookery Was Owing. Briefly Forgetting Her Manners, Mary Grabbed Her Fork And Leapt From Her Chair Onto The Table. Lydia, Who Was Seated Nearest Her, Grabbed Her Ankle Before She Could Dive At Mr. Collins And, Presumably, Stab Him About The Head And Neck For Such An Insult.

Abraham," He Said. "i'm Pleased To See You Alive, Old Friend." "and I To See You Dead.

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Surely Life Has Taught You That A Thing Can Be Both Beautiful And Vile.

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I Decided That It Was More Important To Laugh Than To Eat.

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I Hereby Resolve To Kill Every Vampire In America.

Your Mother Will Never See You Again If You Do Not Marry Mr. Collins, And I Will Never See You Again If You Do; For I Shall Not Have My Best Warrior Resigned To The Service Of A Man Who Is Fatter Than Buddha And Duller Than The Edge Of A Learning Sword.

 …abe Didn’t Say A Word. He Made Straight For His Journal And Wrote Down A Single Sentence. One That Would Radically Alter The Course Of His Life, And Bring A Fledgeling Nation To The Brink Of Collapse. i Hereby Resolve To Kill Every Vampire In America.

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‎and When This Intoxication Has Worn Away... When Every Desire Is Fulfilled And Every Language Learned- When There Are No More Distant Cities To Explore; No Classics To Be Studied; Not Another Coin To Be Stuffed In To One's Coffers- What Then? One Can Have All The Comforts Of The World, But What Use Are They If There Is No Comfort In Them?

Hug Your Children...kiss Your Mothers And Fathers, Your Brothers And Sisters. Tell Them How Much You Love Them, Every Day. Because Every Day Is The Last Day. Every Light Casts A Shadow. And Only The Gods Know When The Darkness Will Find Us.

My Men Have Suffered Greatly (from Boredom), Much Blood Has Been Shed (by Mosquitoes), And I Have Swung My Ax Mightily (chopping Firewood). Surely We Have Earned Our Place In The Annals Of History—for Never Has There Been So Little War In A War.

I Dare Say She Means To Keep You From His Attentions. Your Honour Demands She Be Slain.

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The Bottom Half Of The Page Had Descended Into A Doodle Of A Tiny Man Giving The Middle Finger To A Giant, Angry Eagle With Razor-sharp Talons. Beneath It, The Caption: To Mock A Killing Bird.

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America Is Thataway, Mr. Lincoln," Laughed Davis, Pointing North. "you're In Mississippi Now.

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