Background Image

...

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

You Probably Heard About

David Letterman

...

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

Views: 24078

Topic

More From David Letterman

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

To Save Energy, New York City Is Now Dimming The Lights Of The Skyscrapers And The Skyline At Night. There's A Bad Side To This. If You Need Batman, You Have To Text Him.

Unusual Weather For New York City. Today It Was 68 And Foggy. No, Wait A Minute, That's Me. I'm Sorry, That's Me.

Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

Rick Perry Has Now Accused Mitt Romney Of Hiring Illegal Aliens To Work On His Hair.

Today Is Veterans Day. Thank You To All Our Men And Women Who Have Served The United States Armed Forces. In Honor Of Veterans Day We Are Marching Out A Few Jokes That Have Already Served.

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

Bill Clinton May In Fact Be Moving Back Into The White House. And Coincidentally I'm Thinking About Moving Back Into My Mother's House.

In A Recent Interview, Howard Dean Admitted That He Used To Drink And Smoke Pot. So, Now All He Needs To Put Him Over The Top Is A Sex Scandal.

Hillary's Trying To Appear Downhome. Earlier Today She Was Sitting On The Front Porch Of A General Store Whittling A Pantsuit.

Halloween Is The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season. That's For Women. The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season For Men Is Christmas Eve.

My Political Position Is That I'm Happy To Be Alive And In North America.

Finally We Got Some Good News About The Economy. Barack Obama Got $800 Billion To Rescue The Economy. All I Can Say Is, 'thank You, Oprah.'

To Label Jason Randal A Magician Does A Disservice. You'll Think The Laws Of Physics, Nature, The Universe Itself Have Been Suspended. He's As Good As Houdini Was At His Best!

Tomorrow Is Election Day. It's What They Call The Midterm Elections, And You Can Cut The Indifference With A Knife. It's The Day Americans Leave Work Early And Pretend To Vote.

The Reason I Vote Democrat Is Because I Think It's Better To Pay Billions For Oil To People Who Hate Us, But Not Drill Our Own Because It Might Upset Some Endangered Beetle, Gopher, Or Fish Here In America. We Don't Care About The Beetles, Gophers, Or Fish In Those Other Countries.

Security Here In New York City Is Still Very Tight. Hookers In Times Square Now Are Demanding Two Forms Of Fake Id.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

Sunday Is The Academy Awards. Every Time An Actor Says, 'i Didn't Expect This,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Do A Shot.

They Say There Are About 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In This Country. But If You Ask A Native American, That Number Is More Like 300 Million.

Native American

Dingoes, Jackals, Skunks, Vipers And Weasel Are Now Illegal In New York City. Well Great, Who's Going To Run Cbs?

We Have Defeated Saddam Hussein And Iraq. The Good News Is Iraq Is Ours, And The Bad News Is Iraq Is Ours.

Have You Been Following The Big Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? Or As We Call It Now, The Dead Sea.

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

Gays Are Now Allowed To Serve Openly In The Military. So Maybe Our Next War Could Be A Musical.

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

The Catholic Church Has A Tough New Policy On Child Molestors: Three Strikes And You're A Cardinal.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

It's Official, Arnold Said He Will Enter The Race For Governor. At Least That's What Everybody Thinks He Said.

Bring Your Child To Work Day -- That's How We Got George W. Bush.

Have You Seen A Copy Of Tax Tips For Billionaires?

President Bush Says He Now Wants To Simplify The Tax Code. Only Those In The Blue States Will Pay.

I Know These Jokes Aren't Great, Ladies And Gentlemen, See This Is The Problem You Run Into When You're Between Impeachments.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

A Lot Of Folks Are Still Demanding More Evidence Before They Actually Consider Iraq A Threat. For Example, France Wants More Evidence. And You Know I'm Thinking, The Last Time France Wanted More Evidence They Rolled Right Through Paris With The German Flag.

Mitt Romney Is Doing What He Can. He's Trying Very Hard. He Wants To Unite America, The Rich With The Wealthy, The Poor With The Indigent, And The White With The Caucasian.

I Love The Protests. And If You Think About It, What Better Way To Send A Message To Wall Street Than By Sitting In A Pup Tent Banging On A Drum.

John Kerry Went Duck Hunting And He's Doing That To Fulfill His Campaign Pledge To Hunt Down The Ducks And Kill Them Wherever They Are! Kerry Did Pretty Well; He Came Back With Four Ducks And Three Purple Hearts.

I'd Do A Podcast About Guys Wearing Shorts When It's Too Cold.

And How About That Barack Obama? You Know What They're Saying? For The First Time He's Starting To Slip In The Polls. Barack Obama Is Starting To Slip In The Polls. Don't Worry. He's Got A Plan. He's Going To Be To Campaigning In Europe.

Every Day Is President's Day When You Have An Intern!

President Bush Says He Needs A Month Off To Unwind. Unwind? When The Hell Does This Guy Wind?

The White House Has Announced That They No Longer Recognize Fox As A News Organization, Which Puts Them About Eight Years Behind The Rest Of Us.

President Obama Is In China. Today He Visited The Kids Who Make Our Cellphones.

Here's Why Sarah Palin Says She Won't Be Running For President. She Says She Can Be More Effective At Getting Others Elected By Not Running. And I Thought, Well, That's True, Because In 2008 She Got Obama Elected.

I Heard This Rumor That Al Qaeda Is Merging With Hamas. Yeah, I Got That Tip From Martha Stewart.

United Airlines: Passengers Are Our Worst Enemy. We're Not Too Fond Of Luggage Either.

Every Year When It's Chinese New Year Here In New York, There Are Fireworks Going Off At All Hours. New York Mothers Calm Their Frightened Children By Telling Them It's Just Gunfire.

When You Think About Flying, It's Nuts Really. Here You Are At About 40,000 Feet, Screaming Along At 700 Miles An Hour And You're Sitting There Drinking Diet Pepsi And Eating Peanuts. It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.

I Worry About Rick Perry. One, He's Too Conservative, Two, His Debating Skills. And Three ... Oh Crap, What Was Three?

The President Met With Bp Ceo Tony Hayward, And Obama Was Demanding That Bp Clean Up The Gulf. And I'm Thinking, Good Luck. They Can't Even Clean Up Their Gas Station Restrooms.

Kids In Washington Every Year Have The Big Easter Egg Roll On The White House Lawn. The Kids Found 300 Easter Eggs. They Also Found About 10,000 Missing Hillary Emails.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

Jeb Bush May Run For President. Bush Presidencies Are Like 'caddyshack' Movies. They Should Have Stopped With One.

Herman Cain Was Unaware That China Is A Nuclear Power. And I Said To Myself, 'hey, Herman, How About Making An Unwanted Advance On A History Book?'

I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Has Apparently Just Slipped Across The Border Into Pakistan.

Today Is The Anniversary Of The Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln Wrote It On His Way To The Site Of The Speech On The Back Of An Envelope. One Guy On The Back Of An Envelope Wrote The Great Gettysburg Address - While Every Night It Takes Six Guys To Write This Crap!

While I Was Gone, I Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery On My Heart. Plus, I Got A Haircut.

Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Let's Stop For A Moment To Admire The Rotating Pies.

I'll Be Honest With You. It's Beginning To Look Like I'm Not Going To Get 'the Tonight Show.'

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Way Too Irresponsible To Own A Gun, And I Know That My Local Police Are All I Need To Protect Me From Murderers And Thieves. I Am Also Thankful That We Have A 911 Service That Gets Police To Your Home In Order To Identify Your Body After A Home Invasion.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

The General Election's Taking Place Today In Iraq, So I Guess That Means We're One Step Closer To Being There For Another 10 Years.

Back When We Started This Show, The Hottest Program On Television Was 'keeping Up With The Gabors.'

People Say We Need Royalty. We Have Royalty In The United States - The Kardashians.

The Winner Of The Westminster Dog Show Gets To Drink Champagne - Out Of The Toilet.

But Down In Florida In The Early Voting, There Were Computer Glitches, Confusing Ballots, Long Lines And Chaos. And When President Bush Heard About This, He Said, 'mission Accomplished!'

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

It's The First Day Of Spring. That Means This Weekend I'll Take Down My Christmas Lights.

They Say The Oil Spill Has The Potential To Kill More Wildlife Than A Sarah Palin Hunting Trip.

I Don't Like Stand-up Comedy That Requires A Lot Of Props. I Really Respect People Who Can Walk Out Onstage Alone And With No Other Tool But Their Own Minds And Can Make You Laugh And Maybe Even Think A Little.

It Was A Tough Press Conference For President Bush. He Spent The First Ten Minutes Trying To Pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush Insisted That Iraq Is Not Vietnam. Of Course Not, He Avoided Vietnam.

Did You Hear About This Genius That Got On A Plane And Set Fire To His Feet? Turns Out He Had Bombs In His Shoes And The Problem All Started When The Flight Attendants Asked Him Nicely To Extinguish His Feet. He Was Wearing Exploding Sneakers. The New Nike Air-jihads!

Over The Weekend Mitt Romney Went Body Surfing. He Has Not Body Surfed Since The '90s When He Starred On 'baywatch.'

The Best Part About Holiday Parties Is The Alcohol. You Have A Couple Of Drinks And You Tell Your Coworkers And Your Superiors What You Really Think About Them. And Then The Fun Begins.

An Old Interview Of Arnold Schwartzenegger Has Surfaced Where He Admits To Smoking A Lot Of Pot And Having Sex With Hookers. Finally A Republican All Californians Can Get Behind.

I Mean You Think About The Guy, The Nigerian Guy, Who Was Going To Blow Up The Plane. He Was Wearing A Pair Of Fruit Of The Lunatic. ... Guy Was Not Too Bright. He Said That The Reason He Became A Suicide Bomber Was To Work His Way Up In The Al Qaeda Organization.

They Found A Cave Once Lived In By Osama Bin Laden And The Only Thing In The Cave Were Some Boxer Undershorts, And Macaroni. I'm Telling You, You Add An Old Stack Of Playboys, This Could Be My Place. It's Like I Have A Twin.

It Looks Like President Bush Will Be Handing Over Power To The Iraqis By June 30th. That's Amazing And Not Only That, But It Looks Like He'll Be Handing Over Power To The Democrats By November 2nd.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

I Don't Like Jokes About Sex Or Bodily Functions Or Drug Use Or The Difference Between New York And L.a. I Never Do Any Of That.

Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

John Mccain Turned 72 Years Old Last Friday, But The Chinese Are Making Him A Birth Certificate That Says He's Only 33 And Then He'll Be Ready To Go.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.

I Heard Doctors Revived A Man Who Had Been Dead For 4-1/2 Minutes. When They Asked Him What It Was Like Being Dead, He Said It Was Like Listening To Yankees Announcer Phil Rizzuto During A Rain Delay.

The First Presidential Debate Was Down In Florida. Residents Spent All Day Putting Plywood On Their Televisions.

Happy Birthday To Evil North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. He Gathered Family And Friends Together And Celebrated By Executing A Few Close Friends.

Family And Friends

Mitt Romney Looks Like A Guy Modeling Briefs On A Package Of Underwear ... He Looks Like A Guy Who Goes To The Restroom When The Check Comes ... He Looks Like A Guy Who Would Run A Seminar On Condo Flipping ... He Looks Like He Is The Closer At A Cadillac Dealership.... He Looks Like That Guy On The Golf Course In The Levitra Commercial.

Have You Seen These Republican Presidential Candidates? I Bet Obama Is Sorry Now That He Spent All That Money On The New Birth Certificate.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.

Somebody Threw A Book At President Obama. If You're Trying To Scare A President By Throwing A Book At Him, You're One President Too Late.

About Half An Hour Before Air Time - That's When I Become Hyper. I Put Everything Else Out Of My Mind And Just Let That Nervous Energy Surge Through My Body. I Start Talking Faster And Louder. My Confidence Comes Up. It's Actually A Great Feeling.

Two Creative Spirits In A Relationship, I Don't Think That's The Best Way To Go.

Why We Are Here: To Tremble At The Terrible Beauty Of The Stars, To Shed A Tear At The Perfection Of Beethoven's Symphonies, And To Crack A Cold One Now And Then.

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

Here's A Little Known Fact - Arnold Is The First Body Builder To Run For Governor Since Janet Reno.

Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now You Can Legally Own Ferrets In New York City. I Want To Tell You Something. If I Want To See Anymore Beady-eyed Little Weasels, I'll Just Keep Riding The Subway.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Not Concerned About Millions Of Babies Being Aborted So Long As We Keep All Death Row Inmates Alive And Comfy.

A Priest In New York City Was Arrested On Gun Possession. These Days, You Better Be Happy That The Bulge In His Pocket Is A .38.

One Of The Remarkable Things About Being 19 Is That You Can Break Open A Case Of Warm Beer At Midnight And Still Be Wide-eyed And Alert For Your Eight-a.m. Class. And That Gave Me The False Impression That My Life Would Always Be Like That.

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

Our Guest Tonight Is Michelle Obama, First Lady Of The United States. She's Here To Announce Her Run For President.

Usa Today Has Come Out With A New Survey - Apparently, Three Out Of Every Four People Make Up 75% Of The Population.

The White House Is Saying Donald Trump Has 'zero Percent Chance' Of Being Elected. Isn't That A Little High?

A Guy In Pennsylvania Was Arrested Because He Was Drunk In His Golf Cart Going From Bar To Bar. So They Arrested Him. I Said: Wait A Minute. Isn't That Golf?

I Got Some Good News Earlier Today Before The Show. Thanks To Alex Rodriguez, I Am No Longer The Most Overpaid Disappointment In New York City.

The Latest Polls Show That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante In The Polls. That's Insane. I Mean, Think About It, This Guy Cruz Bustamante Has Never Even Been In A Movie.

President Bush Has Been Silent On Schwarzenegger. Of Course, He Can't Pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Scientists Have Proven Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt That There Is Life After Death -- Though They Say It's Virtually Impossible To Get Decent Chinese Food.

Ted Cruz Could Be President Of The United States. If You Thought The Secret Service Was Drinking Before

You Folks Feeling The Economic Pinch? Are You A Little Fed Up With The Economic News? It's Bad. The Department Stores, This Holiday Season, No Santa Claus. They're Laying Off Department-store Santa Clauses. So More Bad News For John Mccain.

You Can Now Buy A Pack Of Beer Containing 99 Cans. A 99-can Pack Of Beer. Who Says America Has Lost Its Competitive Edge?

Bp Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

The 2016 Presidential Campaign Is Heating Up. Can You Feel The Indifference, The Apathy?

Arnold Is Now The Front Runner. Everyone Was Snickering About It A Month Ago, Now It Looks Like He Will Be The Next Governor Of California. He Is So Confident He Has Already Chosen A Body Oil For The Inauguration.

I Just Heard George W. Bush's New Plan For Airline Security. From Here On Out, Every Plane Will Now Have Its Own Hockey Dad.

Do You Remember The Good Ol' Days When Congress Was Only Unsafe If You Were An Intern.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

They Have Dog Food For Constipated Dogs. If Your Dog Is Constipated, Why Screw Up A Good Thing? Stay Indoors And Let 'em Bloat!

Good Luck Finding A Place To Park In New York City. And When You Do, Good Luck Figuring Out The Parking Signs, Restrictions, And Prohibitions. It Is So Complicated. It Has Gotten So Bad, I Never Park My Car Without A Lawyer.

Congratulations Are In Order For Woody Allen - He And Soon Yi Have A Brand New Baby Daughter. It's All Part Of Woody's Plan To Grow His Own Wives.

Did You Folks See President Bush's State Of The Union Address? How About That Surprise Announcement? Howard Dean Has Been Captured And He's In The Hands Of Interrogators.

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

You Like Science? You Enjoy Science? Always Use It For Good, Never For Evil. Can You Promise Me That?

Way Too Much Coffee. But If It Weren't For The Coffee, I'd Have No Identifiable Personality Whatsoever.

Fall Is My Favorite Season In Los Angeles, Watching The Birds Change Color And Fall From The Trees.

Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

The Creepy Stuff Was That I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked For Me On This Show. Now, My Response To That Is Yes I Have. I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked On This Show. Would It Be Embarrassing If It Were Made Public? Perhaps It Would, Especially For The Women.

The Ayatollah In Iran Says He Believes That He Got The Letter, But He Thinks He Accidentally Threw It Out With His Crate & Barrel Catalog.

Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean For President. That's Pretty Fitting, The Guy That Didn't Beat Bush Endorsing The Guy Who Won't Beat Bush.

Have You Folks Been Following The Controversy With John Kerry And His Service In Vietnam And The Swift Boat Campaign? It All Took Place In Vietnam And Now It Just Won't Go Away. I Was Thinking About This - If John Kerry Had Just Ducked The War Like Everybody Else He Wouldn't Have This Trouble.

Moammar Gadhafi Was Found Hiding In A Storm Sewer With A Gold-plated Gun. That's Me In Retirement, Ladies And Gentlemen.

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

Iraq Is So Bad That President Obama Phoned Hillary Clinton And Asked Her If She Could Start Early.

They're Saying President Obama Doesn't Have Any Friends. The Problem Is That He Can't Get Congress To Approve One.

President Obama

One Of The Dogs In The Competition, A Portuguese Water Dog, Is Related To President Obama's Dog, Bo. But They Only See Each Other At Funerals And Weddings.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

Well, We're Just A Couple Of Weeks From New President Barack Obama Being Sworn In. And He's Been Very Busy Naming A Lot Of Cabinet Positions. And Today He Announced That He Wants The Surgeon General To Be Tv Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That Was The Kid On 'american Idol,' Wasn't It?

So The Guy Who Shot Gadhafi Was Wearing A Yankees Cap. Did You See That? If He'd Had A Boston Red Sox Hat On He Probably Would Have Missed.

We Thought New York City Was Home To 8 Million Rats. Turns Out, That's A Little High. The Actual Number Is 2 Million Rats. That Explains The Light Turnout For The Midterm Elections.

There Is So Much Oil Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, And You Can Thank The Folks Of British Petroleum For This, So Much Oil In The Gulf, You Can Now Park On It.

President Obama, By The Way, Is, I Think, Making His First Presidential European Trip. And While He's There In Europe, He Plans To Fire The Ceo's Of Bmw And Volkswagen.

Congratulations To Bill And Hillary Clinton: This Weekend, 33rd Wedding Anniversary. How About That? And You Thought The Iraqi War Was A Never-ending Conflict.

Congratulations

Wedding Anniversary

Based On What You Know About Him In History Books, What Do You Think Abraham Lincoln Would Be Doing If He Were Alive Today? 1) Writing His Memoirs Of The Civil War. 2) Advising The President. 3) Desperately Clawing At The Inside Of His Coffin.

It Was So Cold In New York City Today That The Statue Of Liberty Had Her Torch Under Her Dress.

Mitt Romney Looks Like An American President In A Canadian Movie.

American President

Donald Trump Is On The Show Tonight. Donald Is A Big Man, I Think 230 Pounds -- 235 With Cologne.

And Now The Really Difficult Part: We Have To Rebuild Iraq Into A Strong And Independent Nation That Will One Day Hate The United States.

Bad News, It's Going To Be A Huge Environmental Disaster, The Oil Rig Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico. The Good News Is They Think Now That The Oil Spill Will Be Diluted By The Melting Ice Caps.

The Mars Polar Lander Has Been Quieter Than George W. Bush After A Foreign Policy Question.

Now How About This, Ladies And Gentlemen? The Governor Of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Has Announced She Is Stepping Down. She Will No Longer Be The Governor Of Alaska. First Thing, She Woke Up And Went Out On Her Porch And Waved Goodbye To Russia.

Sarah Palin Made Her Debut As A Fox News Analyst. They Finally Found A Job That She's Not Under-qualified For.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?

Remember Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin? He Vanished For 10 Days. He Had Disappeared And There Were A Lot Of Rumors. One Rumor Was He Had Disappeared Because He Had Himself Executed.

Welcome To The Program. My Name Is Dave Letterman, And Tonight I'm Giving My Two-week Notice.

There Are A Lot Of New York City Thanksgiving Traditions. For Example, A Lot Of New Yorkers Don't Buy The Frozen Thanksgiving Turkey. They Prefer To Buy The Bird Live And Then Push It In Front Of A Subway Train.

Prince William And Kate Middleton Are In New York City. We Have Got To Do Something About Immigration.

There's A Rumor That President George Bush Had A Nose Job, That He Had Some Kind Of Plastic Surgery, That He Actually Had A Nose Job. If This Is True, That's The First New Job He's Created Since Taking Office.

When I Became A Sigma Chi It Was Great, Because They Were The Pople I Enjoyed Being With And I Was Very Proud Of The Association. It Was Kind Of An Instant Confidence Builder For Me--that What I Considered The Best Fraternity On Campus Had Actually Wanted Me. And I Had Always Been Very Shy And Without A Lot Of Confidence. So It Was A Really Good Social Experience And For Me It Was Also A Social Maturation. It Was A Great Benefit.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

There's Already Been Some Trouble For Osama Bin Laden In The Afterlife. There Was A Mix Up And He Was Greeted By 72 Vegans.

Osama Bin Laden

There Just Isn't Enough Televised Chess

Obesity Is Now A Problem In The Navy. They've Created A New Rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

You Know You've Had Too Much To Eat For Christmas Dinner When You Slump Down Onto A Beanbag And Realize... There Is No Beanbag.

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

Are You Excited About The Recall Election? Arnold's Campaign Has A New Slogan: 'win One For The Groper.'

The Big Debate Right Now Is If Saddam Is Alive Or Dead. He's Dead, Then He's Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive. It's Just Confusing. Today They Showed Videotape, And Saddam Was Speaking At His Own Funeral.

Trump Says That If He's Elected, He Won't Let The Presidency Interfere With The Miss Universe Pageant.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

Hillary Went To A Chipotle In A Tortilla Pantsuit.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

It Is Cold Down In Washington, Dc. They Had To Use An Ice Scraper On John Boehner's Face To Get The Tears Off, It Was So Cold.

Herman Cain Said, Starting Today, If You Buy Into His 9-9-9 Plan, He'll Throw In A Free 32-ounce Soda.

At The Apple Store, The People Waiting In Line For The Iphone 6 Were Trampled By The People Waiting For The Iphone 7.

Waiting In Line

Next In Importance To Having A Good Aim Is To Recognize When To Pull The Trigger.

I'm Nothing If Not An Optimist.

President Bush Says He Is Looking Forward To The Testimony Of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, He Is Very Excited About Condoleezza Rice's Testimony Before Congress. Well, It Makes Perfect Sense - He Wants To Know What Was Going On, Too.

Midnight, And The Kitties Are Sleeping.

Them Bats Is Smart. They Use Radar!

I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

There's A Turkey Shortage. Are You Aware Of That Fact? There's Also A Gravy Shortage. It's Up To $4 A Gallon. Governor Chris Christie Wants To Build A Gravy Pipeline.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe That Businesses Should Not Be Allowed To Make Profits For Themselves. They Need To Break Even And Give The Rest Away To The Government For Redistribution As The Democrat Party Sees Fit.

Cia Director George Tenet Has Now Testified Before The 9/11 Commission And He Said We Are Still Making The Same Dumb Mistakes, Like Leaving Memos On The President's Desk.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

There Was An Interesting Development In The Cbs-westmoreland Trial: Both Sides Agreed That After The Trial, Andy Rooney Would Be Allowed To Talk To The Jury For Three Minutes About Little Things That Annoyed Him During The Trial.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

Republicans Are Having Trouble Luring Gov. Chris Christie Into The Presidential Race. They Should Try Pie.

I Got A Call From My Mom Today, She Says, 'well, David, I See You Didn't Get The 'tonight Show' Again.'

I Cannot Sing, Dance Or Act; What Else Would I Be But A Talk Show Host.

Nothing, Believe Me, Nothing Is More Satisfying To Me Personally Than Getting A Great Idea And Then Beatin' It To Death.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

Trending Author

Augusten Burroughs

Edward Hoagland

Category