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Women Seem To Be All Right On Bargains Till It Comes To Picking Out A Husband.

-Kin Hubbard

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Women Seem To Be

Kin Hubbard

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Women Seem To Be All Right On Bargains Till It Comes To Picking Out A Husband.

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In Order To Live Off A Garden, You Practically Have To Live In It.

Honesty Pays, But It Doesn't Seem To Pay Enough To Suit Some People.

Nothing Is As Irritating As The Fellow Who Chats Pleasantly While He's Overcharging You.

I Haven't Heard Of Anybody Who Wants To Stop Living On Account Of The Cost.

A Sympathizer Is A Fellow That's For You As Long As It Doesn't Cost Anything.

Litigation: A Form Of Hell Whereby Money Is Transferred From The Pockets Of The Proletariat To That Of Lawyers.

If At First You Do Succeed Don't Take Any More Chances.

We Can Tell That A Good Name Is Better Than Riches By Those Who Prefer The Riches.

If There's Anything Mean In A Feller, A Litter Authority Will Bring It Out.

Nobody Ever Grew Despondent Looking For Trouble.

The Fellow That Calls You 'brother' Usually Wants Something That Doesn't Belong To Him.

An Optimist Is A Fellow Who Believes What's Going To Be Will Be Postponed

No Matter How Much Strong Black Coffee We Drink, Almost Any After- Dinner Speech Will Counteract It.

Women Seem To Be All Right On Bargains Till It Comes To Picking Out A Husband.

Executive: A Man Who Makes Quick Decisions And Is Sometimes Right.

Nothing Dispels Enthusiasm Like A Small Admission Fee.

The Longer It Takes You To Select A Cantaloupe, The Worse It Is!

I Will Say This For Adversity: People Seem To Be Able To Stand It, And That Is More Than I Can Say For Prosperity.

It Ain't A Bad Plan To Keep Still Occasionally Even When You Know What You're Talking About.

The Only Time Some Fellows Are Seen With Their Wives Is After They're Indicted.

"why Doesn't The Fellow Who Says, "i'm No Speechmaker," Let It Go At That Instead Of Giving A Demonstration? "

Public Speaking

The Fellow That Owns His Own Home Is Always Just Coming Out Of A Hardware Store.

Don't Knock The Weather; Nine-tenths Of The People Couldn't Start A Conversation If It Didn't Change Once In A While.

It's The Good Loser Who Finally Loses Out.

There's No Secret About Success. Did You Ever Know A Successful Man Who Didn't Tell You About It?

Congratulations

Nothing's As Mean As Giving A Little Child Something Useful For Christmas.

When A Woman Says, 'i Don't Wish To Mention Any Names', It Means It Ain't Necessary To Mention Any Names.

We Like Little Children, Because They Tear Out As Soon As They Get What They Want.

There Are Two Ways To Handle A Woman, And Nobody Knows Either Of Them.

As To Those Who Hoard Gold And Silver And Spend It Not In God's Path, Give Them, Then, The Tidings Of A Painful Agony: On A Day When These Things Shall Be Heated In Hell-fire, And Their Foreheads, And Their Sides, And Their Backs Shall Be Branded Therewith.

One Of The Commonest Ailments Of The Present Day Is The Premature Formation Of Opinion.

The Reason The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard Is Because It's So Crowded.

Most Parents Don't Worry About A Daughter Until She Fails To Show Up For Breakfast.

A Friend That Ain't In Need Is A Friend Indeed.

One Of The Commonest Mistakes Is Thinking Your Worries Are Over When Your Children Get Married.

A Sadder But Wiser Man Is A Thousand Times More Agreeable To Meet Than The Feller That Never Makes A Mistake.

Fun Is Like Life Insurance; The Older You Get, The More It Costs.

I Don't Know Of Anything Better Than A Woman If You Want To Spend Money Where It Will Show.

If Capital And Labor Ever Do Get Together It's Good Night For The Rest Of Us.

All I Kin Git Out O' The Wickersham Position On Prohibition Is That The Distinguished Jurist Seems To Feel That If We'd Let 'em Have It The Problem O' Keepin' 'em From Gitten;' It Would Be Greatly Simplified

There's Another Advantage To Being Poor - A Doctor Will Cure You Faster.

Every Father Expects His Boy To Do The Things He Wouldn't Do When He Was Young.

We're All Self-made Men, But Not Very Many Of Us Have Stayed On The Job.

Very Often The Quiet Fellow Has Said All He Knows

If Some People Didn't Tell You, You'd Never Know They'd Been Away On A Vacation.

Some People Pay A Compliment As If They Expected A Receipt.

One Of The Simple But Genuine Pleasures In Life Is Getting Up In The Morning And Hurrying To A Mousetrap You Set The Night Before.

Now And Then An Innocent Man Is Sent To The Legislature.

There Ought T'be Some Way T'eat Celery So It Wouldn't Sound Like You Wuz Steppin' On A Basket.

It Used To Be That A Fellow Went On The Police Force When Everything Else Failed, But Today He Goes In The Advertising Game.

If There's Anything A Public Servant Hates To Do It's Something For The Public.

Don't Say Yes Until I've Finished Talking. - Attributed To Many Hollywood Executives Lots Of Folks Confuse Bad Management With Destiny.

It Seems That Nothing Ever Gets To Going Good Till There's A Few Resignations

A Loafer Always Has The Correct Time.

Everything Comes To Him Who Waits, Except A Loaned Book.

Gittin' Talked About Is One O' Th' Penalties For Bein' Purty, While Bein' Above Suspicion Is About Th' Only Compensation Fer Bein' Homely.

It's What A Fellow Thinks He Knows That Hurts Him.

It Is Pretty Hard To Tell What Does Bring Happiness; Poverty And Wealth Have Both Failed.

There Is Plenty Of Peace In Any Home Where The Family Doesn't Make The Mistake Of Trying To Get Together.

About The Only Thing We Have Left That Actually Discriminates In Favor Of The Plain People Is The Stork.

Every Once In A While Someone Without A Single Bad Habit Gets Caught.

Peace Has Its Victories No Less Than War, But It Doesn't Have As Many Monuments To Unveil.

Classical Music Is The Kind We Keep Thinking Will Turn Into A Tune.

There Is Nothing So Aggravating As A Fresh Boy Who Is Too Old To Ignore And Too Young To Kick.

Only One Fellow In Ten Thousand Understands The Currency Question, And We Meet Him Every Day.

If The Government Was As Afraid Of Disturbing The Consumer As It Is Of Disturbing Business, This Would Be Some Democracy.

The Safe Way To Double Your Money Is To Fold It Over Once And Put It In Your Pocket.

It Isn't Enough For You To Love Money - It's Also Necessary That Money Should Love You.

The Election Is Not Very Far Off When A Candidate Can Recognize You Across The Street.

Bargain... Anything A Customer Thinks A Store Is Losing Money On.

The Less A Statesman Amounts To, The More He Loves The Flag.

A Lot Of Thanksgiving Days Have Been Ruined By Not Carving The Turkey In The Kitchen.

Knowin' All About Baseball Is Just About As Profitable As Bein' A Good Whittler.

Of All The Home Remedies, A Good Wife Is Best.

Being An Optimist After You've Got Everything You Want Doesn't Count.

Hon Editor Cale Fluhart Was A Power Politically Fer Years, But He Never Got Prominent Enough T' Have His Speeches Garbled.

Where Ignorance Is Bliss It's Foolish To Borrow Your Neighbor's Newspaper.

Plain Spoken People Get Most Of The Recognition Because Folks Are Afraid Of Them.

If There's Any Literary Ability In A Feller, Getting Fired Out Of A Good Government Job Will Bring It Out.

Whoever Takes Just Plain Ginger Ale Soon Gets Drowned Out Of The Conversation.

I Don't Look For Much To Come Out Of Government Ownership As Long As We Have Democrats And Republicans.

Beauty Is . . . A Valuable Asset If You're Poor Or Haven't Any Sense.

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep

Kindness Goes A Long Ways Lots Of Times When It Ought To Stay At Home.

The Worst Waste Of Breath, Next To Playing A Saxophone, Is Advising A Son

Gittin' Talked About Is One O' Th' Penalties For Bein' Purty.

Nobody Can Be As Agreeable As An Uninvited Guest.

Uninvited Guests

When You Consider What A Chance Women Have To Poison Their Husbands, It's A Wonder There Isn't More Of It Done

The Hardest Thing Is To Take Less When You Can Get More.

Another Bad Thing About "prosperity" Is That You Can't Jingle Any Money Without Being Under Suspicion

The Fellow That Agrees With Everything You Say Is Either A Fool Or He Is Getting Ready To Skin You.

Folks That Blurt Out Just What They Think Wouldn't Be So Bad If They Thought.

There Is No Failure Except In No Longer Trying. There Is No Defeat Except From Within, No Really Insurmountable Barrier Save Our Own Inherent Weakness Of Purpose.

No Woman Can Be Handsome By The Force Of Features Alone, Any More That She Can Be Witty By Only The Help Of Speech.

Some Folks Seem To Have Descended From The Chimpanzee Much Later Than Others.

Flattery Won't Hurt You If You Don't Swallow It.

Universal Peace Sounds Ridiculous To The Head Of An Average Family.

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Lots Of Folks Confuse Bad Management With Destiny.

A Bad Cold Wouldn't Be So Annoying If It Weren't For The Advice Of Our Friends.

Lack Of Pep Is Often Mistaken For Patience.

Politics Makes Strange Post-masters.

Experience Is A Dear Teacher But He Delivers Th' Goods.

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It's Going To Be Fun To Watch And See How Long The Meek Can Keep The Earth Once They Inherit It.

Laugh, And The World Laughs With You. Weep, An' It Keeps On Laughin'.

University: ... A Place Where Rich Men Send Their Sons Who Have No Aptitude For Business.

Nobody Kicks On Being Interrupted If It's By Applause.

Fashion: A Barricade Behind Which Men Hide Their Nothingness.

When Some Fellers Decide To Retire Nobody Knows The Difference.

Don't A Fellow Feel Good After He Gets Out Of A Store Where He Nearly Bought Something.

Nobody Ever Forgets Where He Buried The Hatchet.

Boys Will Be Boys, And So Will A Lot Of Middle-aged Men.

The World Gets Better Every Day - Then Worse Again In The Evening.

Some Fellows Get Credit For Being Conservative When They Are Only Stupid.

The Worst Feature Of A New Baby Is Its Mother's Singing.

When Some Folks Agree With My Opinions I Begin To Suspect I'm Wrong.

Gossip Is Vice Enjoyed Vicariously - The Sweet, Subtle Satisfaction Without The Risk.

Intelligent People Are Always On The Unpopular Side Of Anything.

I'm Sorry To Inform You That Your 50 Year Warranty Has Expired On Your Back, Knees, And Memory. Luckily Your Lifetime Warranty On Your Heart Is Still In Effect. Of Course, That Becomes Void And Expires When You Do.

There's Many A Slip Twixt The Blueprints And A New House.

Washing Your Car And Polishing It All Up Is A Never Failing Sign Of Rain.

In Spite Of All Our Speeding It's Still The Style To Be Late.

The Hardest Thing Is Writing A Recommendation For Someone We Know.

Recommendations

Some People Are So Sensitive That They Feel Snubbed If An Epidemic Overlooks Them.

Nobody Works As Hard For His Money As The Man Who Marries It.

You Won't Skid If You Stay In A Rut.

Many A Family Tree Needs Trimming

We'd All Like To Vote For The Best Man But He's Never A Candidate.

Making A Long Stay Short Is A Great Aid To Popularity.

Look Out For The People Who Allow You To Do All The Talking.

After A Fellow Gets Famous It Doesn't Take Long For Someone To Bob Up That Used To Sit By Him In School.

Of All The Unbearable Nuisances, The Ignoramus That Has Traveled Is The Worst.

Ther's Still A Few Honest Folks Left But They Never Seem T' Find Anything You Lose.

A Never-failing Way To Get Rid Of A Fellow Is To Tell Him Something For His Own Good.

A Fellow Ought To Save A Few Of The Long Evenings He Spends With His Girl Till After They're Married.

My Idea Of Walking Into The Jaws Of Death Is Marrying Some Woman Who Has Lost Three Husbands.

Bees Are Not As Busy As We Think They Are. They Just Can't Buzz Any Slower.

The Only Way To Entertain Some Folks Is To Listen To Them.

Who Remembers When We Used To Rest On Sunday Instead Of Monday?

Nobuddy Ever Listened T' Reason On A Empty Stomach.

If You Haven't Seen Your Wife Smile At A Traffic Cop, You Haven't Seen Her Smile Her Prettiest.

Never Tell The Box-office Man That You Can't Hear Well Or He Will Sell You A Seat Where You Can't See Either.

A Good Listener Is Usually Thinking About Something Else.

The Rich Man And His Daughter Are Soon Parted.

A Grouch Escapes So Many Little Annoyances That It Almost Pays To Be One.

None But The Brave Can Live With The Fair.

No One Can Feel As Helpless As The Owner Of A Sick Goldfish.

It Is No Disgrace To Be Poor, But It Might As Well Be.

Lots Of Fellows Think A Home Is Only Good To Borrow Money On.

A Bee Is Never As Busy As It Seems; It's Just That It Can't Buzz Any Slower.

Live So That You Can At Least Get The Benefit Of The Doubt.

Men Are Not Punished For Their Sins, But By Them.

There Isn't Much To Be Seen In A Little Town, But What You Hear Makes Up For It.

The Man Who Says "i May Be Wrong, But--" Does Not Believe There Can Be Any Such Possibility.

Some Folks Can Look So Busy Doing Nothing That They Seem Indispensable.

All The World Loves A Good Loser.

Some Folks Pay A Compliment Like They Went Down In Their Pocket For It.

I Never Saw An Athletic Girl That Thought She Was Strong Enough To Do Indoor Work.

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