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Women Love A Self-confident Bald Man.

-Larry David

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Women Love A Self-confident

Larry David

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Women Love A Self-confident Bald Man.

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I Don't Like To Analyze My Music Too Much. It Just Comes Welling Up Out Of The Depths Of My Soul.

Luck Always Plays A Part For Everyone, Whether They Want To Admit It Or Not. I Was Very Lucky, And I Know It.

Do Not Degrade Me In The Military Uniform I Wear For It Represents The Love I Have For My Country, And The Sacrifices Myself And Millions Of Other American Soldiers Make Everyday To Protect The Freedom We Enjoy By Living In The United States Of America.

Until I Started Doing Standup, There Were Some Very Bleak Days.

Perhaps I Have A Wider Range Than I'd Given Myself Credit For.

I Wanted To Make A Living, But I Really Was Not Interested In Money At All. I Was Interested In Being A Great Comedian.

Zero, Zero Belief In Myself. And It's Changed Somewhat, But There's Still A Lot Of That In Me.

Let's Not Forget, I Got Divorced.

I'm A Walking, Talking Enigma. We're A Dying Breed.

Anyone Can Be Confident With A Full Head Of Hair. But A Confident Bald Man - There's Your Diamond In The Rough.

Weathermen Merely Forecast Rain To Keep Everyone Else Off The Golf Course

The Lunch In A Normal American Restaurant Is Very Problematic For Me. I Don't Like To Have Hot Food For Lunch.

My Defensiveness In Life Really Helps Me As A Driver.

I Think Golf Is Literally An Addiction. I'm Surprised There's Not Golf Anonymous.

I Don't Like To Be Out Of My Comfort Zone, Which Is About A Half An Inch Wide.

Sometimes You Have To Rely On Sex And Bodily Functions.

Bodily Functions

I'm A Jerk, That's Who I Am. I'm Like Everybody Else.

No, I Am A Crier And If People Ever Saw Me Privately They Would Be Shocked At What A Bowl Of Mush I Am Underneath It All.

Women Love A Self-confident Bald Man.

I Was Planning On My Future As A Homeless Person. I Had A Really Good Spot Picked Out.

Millions Of People Are Married. I've Never Picked Up A Paper And Seen A Headline That Says, "man Gets Married!"

It's Always Good To Take Something That's Happened In Your Life And Make Something Of It Comedically.

I Think We're All Good And Bad, But Good's Not Funny. Bad Is Funny. Suppress The Good And Let The Bad Out, And Then You Can Be Funny.

Every Relationship Is Just So Tenuous And Precarious.

Bad Relationship

I'm Really Only Happy When I'm On Stage. I Just Feed Off The Energy Of The Audience. That's What I'm All About - People And Laughter.

I Need To Be On Drugs To Connect With Nature.

There's Also A Certain Rhythm To The Way Jews Talk That Might Be Funny.

Well, As You Know, I'm Really Only Happy When I'm On Stage.

All Of A Sudden I Discovered That I'm Allergic To Caviar. It Was The Perfect Metaphor For My Life. When I Was Only Able To Afford Bad Caviar, I Could Certainly Eat My Fill Of It.

I Don't Think Anyone Really Is Interested In Reading About My Emotional State. It's Not Even Interesting To Me.

I Have No Sense Of Well-being. There's No Chance The Well Will Run Dry.

I Don't Like People Cleaning My Room.

I've Always Loathed Rich People, So I've Become Who I've Loathed, Which Makes It Doubly Difficult, If You Can Follow Me.

I Just Wanted Laughs - That's Really What I Was After.

It's Not Every Day That You Get To Be Affectionate Around Something, It Just Doesn't Happen That Often.

My Background Is Degradation And Sloth, Mostly.

Golf And Dating Don't Mix.

I Tend To Stay With The Panic. I Embrace The Panic.

You Know Who Wears Sunglasses Inside? Blind People And Assholes.

In Those Days, Reserve Duty Lasted For Six Years, Which, I Might Add, Was Three Times As Long As Service In The Regular Army, Although To Be Perfectly Honest, I Was Unable To Fulfill My Entire Obligation Because I Was Taking Acting Classes And They Said I Could Skip My Last Year.

Switzerland Is A Place Where They Don't Like To Fight, So They Get People To Do Their Fighting For Them While They Ski And Eat Chocolate.

When You're Not Concerned With Succeeding, You Can Work With Complete Freedom.

There's A Sense Of Spontaneity, And No Emphasis On Jokes In This Show. People Generally Talk The Way They Talk In Life If You Were In This Particular Situation.

You Can't Do Anything In Life. The Social Barriers In Life Are So Intense And Horrific That Every Encounter Is Just Fraught With So Many Problems And Dread. Every Social Situation Is A Potential Nightmare.

Sometimes You Have To Wander A Bit, And Do What You Don't Want To In Order To Figure Out What It Is You're Supposed To Do.

I'm Surprised Sometimes At How Some Of My Actions Are Misinterpreted.

I Couldn't Be Happier That President Bush Has Stood Up For Having Served In The National Guard, Because I Can Finally Put An End To All Those Who Questioned My Motives For Enlisting In The Army Reserve At The Height Of The Vietnam War.

Did Bill Clinton Actually Think That He Could Get Blow Jobs From A Jewish Woman And There Would Be No Consequences?

Give A Guy A Girlfriend And A Great Job, He Doesn’t Need Therapy.

I Learned The First Night That Ihop's Not The Place To Order Fish.

Well, After The Divorce, I Went Home And Turned All The Lights On!

It Began To Dawn On Me That Perhaps My Country Needed Me More At Home Than Overseas.

Sometimes I Have These Fantasies Of Just Moving To A Foreign Country And Coming Back With A Full Head Of Hair. Or Not Even Come Back! Make A New Life There With Hair... Change My Name, Just See What Happens.

I Find Human Contact Repulsive.

I Don't Like Talking To People I Know, But Strangers, I Have No Problem With.

Hitler Really Ruined That Mustache For Everybody. It’s Really An Interesting Mustache, But Now, No One Can Wear It.

The Closest I Ever Came To Death Was Masturbating With A 104-degree Temperature.

There's Nothing That Reflects Me. I'm Unreflectable!

I've Led This Empty Life For Over Forty Years And Now I Can Pass That Heritage On And Ensure That The Misery Will Continue For At Least One More Generation.

I Had A Wonderful Childhood, Which Is Tough Because It's Hard To Adjust To A Miserable Adulthood.

Making A Woman Laugh. What Is That About? And The Prettier The Woman, The More Satisfaction I Get. It Doesn't Make Any Sense, But I'm Being Honest.

I Just Feed Off The Energy Of The Audience.

Trying On Pants Is One Of The Most Humiliating Things A Man Can Suffer That Doesn't Involve A Woman.

You Know, When You Do Standup There Are Certain Requirements That You Have To Do Like You Have To Go On Stage And When You Get Introduced You Have To Say "hey,how Ya Doin'? How Are Ya?" I Couldn't Do It. It Was False.

And Eventually As I Kept Writing It, Something Emerged That Was Not Quite Me But A Version Of Me.

I Gave A Funny Speech At My Wife's Birthday Party, And I'm Thinking, 'hey, I've Still Got It.'

It's That I Wasn't Suited To Do The Kind Of Comedy That These People Were Coming To Hear - Mainstream Comedy.

Hey, I May Loathe Myself, But It Has Nothing To Do With The Fact That I'm Jewish.

I’d Rather Have The Thieves Than The Neighbors - The Thieves Don't Impose. Thieves Just Want Your Things, Neighbors Want Your Time.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

I Had A Job As A Paralegal. I Drove A Cab.

Who Do You Think Has More Freedom: The Married Man In America Or The Single Man In Communist China?

I Was Very Fortunate To Hook Up With Jerry In The First Place. The Network Was Already Committed To Doing Something With Him, So I Skipped A Couple Of Hundred Steps Right There.

I'm Larry David. I Happen To Enjoy Wearing Women's Panties.

I'd Like To Start A Family, But You Have To Have A Date First.

Sure, Being A Reservist Wasn't As Glamorous, But I Was The One Who Had To Look At Myself In The Mirror.

It Has To Do - I Think - With Growing Up In An Apartment, With My Aunt And My Cousins Right Next Door To Me, With The Door Open, With Neighbors Walking In And Out, With People Yelling At Each Other All The Time.

When I Was Living In New York And Didn't Have A Penny To My Name, I Would Walk Around The Streets And Occasionally I Would See An Alcove Or Something. And I'd Think, That'll Be Good, That'll Be A Good Spot For Me When I'm Homeless.

Actually I Walk Around With The Emmy Wherever I Go, But I'm Very Casual About It.

Woody Allen Likes To Do A Lot Of Master Shots. He Likes To Get The Whole Thing In One Take, And So You Could Be Going Along Doing A Scene, And Then The Next To Last Line, All Of A Sudden, You Stumble, And You Have To Go Back To First Base.

I Defy Anyone To Produce Any Evidence That The Word 'happy' Has Ever Crossed My Lips. I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, 'happy.'

There Are Times When I'm Driving Home After A Day's Shooting, Thinking To Myself, That Scene Would've Been So Much Better If I Had Written It Out.

A Date Is An Experience You Have With Another Person That Makes You Appreciate Being Alone

The Addition Of Nuts In Salad... I Always Find To Be Beneficial.

My Life Has Changed. I'm Not Walking Around Any More Wishing I Wasn't Me, Which Was The Case At One Time.

Hear The Birds? Sometimes I Like To Pretend That I'm Deaf And I Try To Imagine What It's Like Not To Be Able To Hear Them. It's Not That Bad.

I Think That For The Most Part, When I Started Doing Comedy, It Had Become Very Commercialized.

I Don't Write Shows With Dialogue Where Actors Have To Memorize Dialogue. I Write The Scenes Where We Know Everything That's Going To Happen. There's An Outline Of About Seven Or Eight Pages, And Then We Improvise It.

I Couldn't Walk Up To A Woman At A Bar And Say Hello.

I Tolerate Lactose Like I Tolerate People.

I'm Not A Person Who Embraces Challenges. I Run From Challenges. I Break World Records Running From Challenges.

If I Was Going Onstage, Of Course I Would Talk About It. How Could I Not?

I'm Anti-cheese In A Salad.

If I Wasn't A Golfer, I Would Still Be Miserable - But Not As Miserable.

Whenever Something Good Happens To Me, It's Usually Followed By Something Terrible.

I'm Trying To Elevate Small-talk To Medium Talk.

Most People Are Completely Unaware Of Their Breath. They Violate Your Space, They Have No Idea That They Have Halitosis.

People Don't Yell Nasty Things At Actors - They Let Them Continue.

Anything That's For Free, People Will Take. They Don't Discriminate.

Even Back Then, I Exuded Self-confidence, And That Drives Women Crazy.

Self Confidence

I Still Think Of That Guy I Was Without A Wife Or Kids, And I Still Want To Entertain That Guy. The Lonely Guy, The Frustrated Guy, The Guy With No Money - This Is The Guy Who Needs To Laugh.

Most Practical Jokes, I'll Feel Too Bad For The Other Person So I'll Stop Just Before The Punchline.

If I Tried To Flirt With A Woman And She Didn't Know Who I Was, She Would Run Away.

A Place To Go - That's What My Mother Always Instilled In Me. You Need A Place To Go. And You're Worthless Unless You Have A Place To Go.

I Guess I Still Feel That I'm A Comedian; If I Had To Pick One Thing That I Feel Like I Could Do, It Would Be That. That Doesn't Mean That I Like It, But I Feel That's What I Am.

You Write About What You Know.

I'm Not Quite As Anonymous As I Was.

I Think Michael Moore Is A Hero. I Love Him.

I'm Surprized Hitler Didn't Round Up The Toupee People.

The Best Situation Is Being A Single Parent. The Best Part About Is That You Get Time Off, Too, Because The Kids Are With Their Mom, So It's The Best Of Both Worlds. There's A Lot To Be Said For It.

The Only Change I Can Really See Is That I Don't Have To Shop For Pants In Stores Anymore.

Once I Know People Know Who I Am, It Gives Me A Lot Of Licence And Freedom To Behave In Ways I Wouldn't Normally.

I Never Thought For A Second That Anything I Ever Did Was Going To Make Someone Cringe. That Never Occurred To Me.

Anytime I'm Involved With Anything That's Well-received, It's A Surprise To Me.

I'm Not Interested In Closure. Some People Just Have Heart Attacks And Die, Right? There's No Closure.

Obviously Comedic Styles Do Change.

Pretty Good. Pretttttttty, Pretttttttttty, Pretttttty Good.

I Once Stopped To Pick Up A Girl, And Then There Was This Creepy-looking Guy Standing Behind The Bushes Waiting To Jump Out And Get In, Too. So I Just Quickly Drove Away.

I Like To Be Quiet, And Let People Find Me Rather Than Having To Shout At Them.

You Have To Discover When You're Inadequate To Be Funny And You Don't Know You're Inadequate When You're A Kid.

Being Larry David On Curb Your Enthusiasm Was The Best Thing To Happen To Larry David In Life.

I'd Much Rather Be On Stage Talking To A Couple Of Retards For Twenty Bucks Than Sitting At My Desk Thinking Up Jokes For...well Let's Say A Few Dollars More.

I've Been In Therapy. I Know Enough About Myself Now To Know That I Really Don't Need To Know Anymore.

Even Though The National Guard And Army Reserve See Combat Today, It Rankles Me That People Assume It Was Some Kind Of Waltz In The Park Back Then.

A Good Compromise Is When Both Parties Are Dissatisfied

I Wasn't Making Fun Of My Father In-law's Religion. And Even If I Was So What, It's A Comedy. Religion Should Be Made Fun Of, It's Quite Ridiculous Isn't It. Think How People Spend Their Lives, They Have No Idea. They Go Around As If This Is A Fact. It's So Insane You Know. If I Really Believed That Stuff I'd Keep It To Myself. Lest Somebody Think I Was Out Of My Mind.

I Got A Swede Lawyer?!? She's Gonna Get Everything!

If You Tell The Truth About How You're Feeling, It Becomes Funny.

I Tell People That I've Now Done One Decent Thing In My Life. Albeit Inadvertently.

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