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While Editors And Newspaper Owners Currently Fret Over Shrinking Readership And Lost Profits, They Do The One Thing That Insures Cutting Their Own Throats; They Keep Reducing Space For The One Feature That Attracts New Young Readers In The First Place; The Comic Strips.

-Elayne Boosler

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While Editors And Newspaper

Elayne Boosler

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While Editors And Newspaper Owners Currently Fret Over Shrinking Readership And Lost Profits, They Do The One Thing That Insures Cutting Their Own Throats; They Keep Reducing Space For The One Feature That Attracts New Young Readers In The First Place; The Comic Strips.

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I Deliver Very Traditionally, And People Aren't Threatened. I Think If I Cursed Or Seemed Wilder, I Couldn't Get Away With The Amount Of Very Opinionated Politics I Get Away With.

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Comedy Is A Blood Sport. It Flays The Truth And Spurts Twisted Logic. In America, People Become Comics Because We Don't Have Bullfighting.

I Don't Categorize Myself. I Don't Think I'm Perceived As A Female Act By My Audience. My Fans Include Just As Many Men As Women.

Stand-up Is Like A Movie Every Night. You Write It, Direct It, Produce It, The Audience Votes, And You Go Home. There's Nothing More Satisfying.

Wouldn't It Be Great If You Could Only Get Aids By Giving Money To Television Preachers?

My Brother Is Gay And My Parents Don't Care, As Long As He Marries A Doctor.

When Women Are Depressed, They Eat Or Go Shopping. Men Invade Another Country. It's A Whole Different Way Of Thinking.

I Think About Death. I Don't Want To Die With Clothes In The Cleaners.

The Thing About Breaking Up When You Get Older, You Just Don't Have The Steam Anymore. "oh, That's It. I Can't Start Shaving My Legs Above The Knee Again."

Have You Noticed That If You Leave The Laundry In The Hamper Long Enough, It's Ready To Wear Again?

What Do Hookers Do On Their Nights Off, Type?

I Have Always Put My Own Money Into Tails Of Joy. For Years, Every Time A Dog Walked By, My Husband Would Say, 'there Goes Our Beach House.'

Horse Racing Is Waning In Popularity.

Men Put All Kinds Of Expectations On You. They Want You To Scream 'you're The Best' While Swearing You've Never Done This With Anyone Before.

I Am Thankful I Was Born In America, Although If I Gain Any More Weight The Burqa Thing May Start To Seem Like A Good Idea To Me. See? Another Plus About America, You Can Always Find Some Food.

I Have Six Locks On My Door All In A Row. When I Go Out, I Lock Every Other One. I Figure No Matter How Long Somebody Stands There Picking The Locks, They Are Always Locking Three.

Laundry's Easier When You Live Alone. Fifteen Minutes Before A Date, Put 'em On, Dry 'em With A Hair Blower.

I Know What Men Want. Men Want To Be Really, Really Close To Someone Who Will Leave Them Alone.

I Personally Cannot Tell You How Many Times We Rescuers Put Our Names On Animals To Come To Us As Soon As They Are Eligible For Release, Only To Find They Have Been Senselessly Killed By Overzealous Pound Workers.

Many Animal Rescue Organizations Hit With A Hard-core, Heartbreaking Message. Their Videos And Stories Can Become Difficult For Average People To Watch. By Taking A More Positive, Heartwarming Approach To Animal Rescue, I've Been Able To Engage People And Keep Them Engaged For Years. Instead Of Selling The Agony And Misery - And Sadly, There Is No Shortage Of That - I Start With The Happy Endings. I Work Backwards So The First Message They Get Is Joy And Success Due To Their Involvement. Opening The Mind With Humor And Joy Gets The Rescue Message In That Much Deeper.

When Women Are Depressed, They Eat Or Go Shopping.

When The Sun Comes Up, I Have Morals Again.

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People Are Giving Birth Underwater Now. They Say It's Less Traumatic For The Baby Because It's Under Water. But It's Certainly More Traumatic For The Other People In The Pool.

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The Message Of Great Art Is To Disturb.

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While Editors And Newspaper Owners Currently Fret Over Shrinking Readership And Lost Profits, They Do The One Thing That Insures Cutting Their Own Throats; They Keep Reducing Space For The One Feature That Attracts New Young Readers In The First Place; The Comic Strips.

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Now That The Court Has Declared Money To Be Speech, I Say We Replace The Current Court With Some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, A Couple Of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, A Sacajawea Or Two, And An Abe Lincoln To Cover Scalia In Full.

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