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When Somebody Is A Little Bit Wrong - Say, When A Waited Puts Nonfat Milk In Your Espresso Macchiato, Instead Of Lowfat Milk - It Is Often Quite Easy To Explain To Them How And Why They Are Wrong. But If Somebody Is Surprisingly Wrong - Say, When A Waiter Bites Your Nose Instead Of Taking Your Order - You Can Often Be So Surprised That You Are Unable To Say Anything At All. Paralyzed By How Wrong The Waiter Is, Your Moth Would Hang Slightly Open And Your Eyes Would Blink Over And Over, But You Would Be Unable To Say A Word.

-Daniel Handler

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When Somebody Is A

Daniel Handler

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When Somebody Is A Little Bit Wrong - Say, When A Waited Puts Nonfat Milk In Your Espresso Macchiato, Instead Of Lowfat Milk - It Is Often Quite Easy To Explain To Them How And Why They Are Wrong. But If Somebody Is Surprisingly Wrong - Say, When A Waiter Bites Your Nose Instead Of Taking Your Order - You Can Often Be So Surprised That You Are Unable To Say Anything At All. Paralyzed By How Wrong The Waiter Is, Your Moth Would Hang Slightly Open And Your Eyes Would Blink Over And Over, But You Would Be Unable To Say A Word.

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Lately It Has Become More And More Difficult To Attend Dinner Parties Without The Evening Ending In Gunfire Or Tapioca.

I Didn't Realize This Was A Sad Occasion.

Series Of Unfortunate Events

I Don't Think Film Is The Writer's Medium, And So I Was Interested To See What A Director Would Do With It.

One Of The World's Most Popular Entertainments Is A Deck Of Cards, Which Contains Thirteen Each Of Four Suits, Highlighted By Kings, Queens And Jacks, Who Are Possibly The Queen's Younger, More Attractive Boyfriends.

Popular Entertainment

'help Me,' Allison Says, But She Is Soft-spoken, And Everyone She Loves Is So Far Away.

Deciding Whether Or Not To Trust A Person Is Like Deciding Whether Or Not To Climb A Tree, Because You Might Get A Wonderful View From The Highest Branch, Or You Might Simply Get Covered In Sap, And For This Reason Many People Choose To Spend Their Time Alone And Indoors, Where It Is Harder To Get A Splinter.

I Was Never A Fan Of Anything, And Yet Some People Are Fans Of My Books. That's A Bit Odd. But I Like Meeting Them.

My General Writing Preface Is To Write An Outline And Then Ignore About Half Of It, Both On A Micro Level With The Individual Book, And On A Macro Level With The Series As A Whole, And That's Pretty Much What's Happened.

I'm Always Interested To See What Films Are Made Of Books. I Kind Of Don't Participate As A Filmgoer In Any Kind Of Debate About What's Better, The Book Or The Movie. So I Think It's Interesting When People Want To Do It.

Here We Are At The Bottom, Almost Empty. It's Like Confetti, These Dried Remnants You Find In The Street For A Party No One Invited You To. But They Used To Be, I Can Admit, Part Of Something Beautiful.

And What Might Seem To Be A Series Of Unfortunate Events May In Fact Be The First Steps Of A Journey.

No Matter Who You Are, No Matter Where You Live, And No Matter How Many People Are Chasing You, What You Don't Read Is Often As Important As What You Do Read.

Waiting Is One Of Life’s Hardships.

To Hear The Phrase "our Only Hope" Always Makes One Anxious, Because It Means That If The Only Hope Doesn't Work, There Is Nothing Left.

Grinning Is Something You Do When You Are Entertained In Some Way, Such As Reading A Good Book Or Watching Someone You Don't Care For Spill Orange Soda All Over Themselves.

Hello, Freaky Peoples!

Instead Of The Word 'love' There Was An Enormous Heart, A Symbol Sometimes Used By People Who Have Trouble Figuring Out The Difference Between Words And Shapes.

If You Don’t Care About Something, One Way To Demonstrate Your Feelings Is To Say The Word And Then Repeat The Word With The Letters S-c-h-m Replacing The First Letters. Somebody Who Didn’t Care About Dentists, For Instance Could Say ‘dentist, Schmentists.

The Expression "following Suit" Is A Curious One, Because It Has Nothing To Do With Walking Behind A Matching Set Of Clothing. If You Follow Suit, It Means You Do The Same Thing Somebody Else Has Just Done. If All Of Your Friends Decided To Jump Off A Bridge Into The Icy Waters Of An Ocean Or River, For Instance, And You Jumped In Right After Them, You Would Be Following Suit. You Can See Why Following Suit Can Be A Dangerous Thing To Do, Because You Could End Up Drowning Simply Because Somebody Else Thought Of It First.

Undeveloped, The Whole Thing,tossed Into A Box Before We Really Had A Chance To Know What We Had, And That's Why We Broke Up.

Everyone Should Be Able To Do One Card Trick, Tell Two Jokes, And Recite Three Poems, In Case They Are Ever Trapped In An Elevator.

Blank Paper Has Always Inspired Me.

Every Night I Give A Violin Recital For Six Hours, And Attendance Is Mandatory. The Word 'mandatory' Means That If You Don't Show Up, You Have To Buy Me A Large Bag Of Candy And Watch Me Eat It.

Nobody Wants To Fall Into A Safety Net, Because It Means The Structure In Which They've Been Living Is In A State Of Collapse And They Have No Choice But To Tumble Downwards. However, It Beats The Alternative.

Grief, A Type Of Sadness That Most Often Occurs When You Have Lost Someone You Love, Is A Sneaky Thing, Because It Can Disappear For A Long Time, And Then Pop Back Up When You Least Expect It.

He Who Hesitates Is Lost

There Are Some Who Say That Sitting At Home Reading Is The Equivalent Of Travel, Because The Experiences Described In The Book Are More Or Less The Same As The Experiences One Might Have On A Voyages, And There Are Those Who Say That There Is No Substitute For Venturing Out Into The World. My Own Opinion Is That It Is Best To Travel Extensively But To Read The Entire Time, Hardly Glancing Up To Look Out Of The Window Of The Airplane, Train, Or Hired Camel.

So You’re Reluctant, I Said To Myself. Many, Many People Are Reluctant. It’s Like Having Feet. It’s Nothing To Brag About.

I Will Love You As Misfortune Loves Orphans, As Fire Loves Innocence, And As Justice Loves To Sit And Watch While Everything Goes Wrong.

To Stutter Through It With You Or Even Stop Stuttering And Say Nothing, Was So Lucky And Soft, Better Talk Than Mile-a-minute With Anyone. After A Few Minutes We’d Stop Rattling, We’d Adjust, We’d Settle In, And The Conversation Would Speed Into The Night.

If You Like Books With Happy Endings Then Put This Book Down Immediately.

This Is An Absurd Moral, For You And I Both Know That Sometimes Not Only Is It Good To Lie, It Is Necessary To Lie.

It Is Much, Much Worse To Receive Bad News Through The Written Word Than By Somebody Simply Telling You, And I’m Sure You Understand Why. When Somebody Simply Tells You Bad News, You Hear It Once, And That’s The End Of It. But When Bad News Is Written Down, Whether In A Letter Or A Newspaper Or On Your Arm In Felt Tip Pen, Each Time You Read It, You Feel As If You Are Receiving The Bad News Again And Again.

Just Because You Don't Understand It Doesn't Mean It Isn't So.

If I Were To Say, "yes, I Am A Fascinating, Erudite Person," What Would That Say About Me? I Don't Know.

When You Start Reading Nonfiction Books About Piracy, You Realize That It's Actually Just A History Of Desperate People.

Complimenting Someone In An Exaggerated Way Is Known As Flattery, And Flattery Will Generally Get You Anything You Want.

Nowhere In The World Is Safe," Count Olaf Said. Not With You Around," Violet Agreed. I'm No Worse Than Anyone Else," Count Olaf Said.

All His Life, Klaus Had Believed That If You Read Enough Books, You Could Solve Any Problem, But Now He Wasn't So Sure.

There Is A Pair Of Snakes Who Have Learned To Drive A Car So Recklessly That They Would Run You Over In The Street And Never Stop To Apologize.

They're Book Addicts.

Someone Feeling Wronged Is Like Someone Feeling Thirsty. Don’t Tell Them They Aren’t. Sit With Them And Have A Drink.

And A Refrigerator May Hold A Basket Of Strawberries, Which Would Be Important If A Maniac Said To You, "if You Don't Give Me A Basket Of Strawberries Right Now, I'm Going To Poke You With This Large Stick." But When The Two Elder Baudelaires And Quigley Quagmire Opened The Refrigerator, They Found Nothing That Would Help Someone Who Was Wounded, Dying Of Thirst, Or Being Threatened By A Strawberry-crazed, Stick-carrying Maniac.

But We Can Also Ask For Something We Are Much More Likely To Get, And That Is To Find A Person Or Two, Somewhere In Our Travels, Who Will Tell Us That We Are Noble Enough, Whether It Is True Or Not. We Can Ask For Someone Who Will Say, “you Are Noble Enough,” And Remind Us Of Our Good Qualities When We Have Forgotten Them, Or Cast Them Into Doubt.

The Smell Of Cooking Food Is Often A Calming One.

One's Home Is Like A Delicious Piece Of Pie You Order In A Restaurant On A Country Road One Cozy Evening - The Best Piece Of Pie You Have Ever Eaten In Your Life - And Can Never Find Again. After You Leave Home, You May Find Yourself Feeling Homesick, Even If You Have A New Home That Has Nicer Wallpaper And A More Efficient Dishwasher Than The Home In Which You Grew Up.

Criminals Should Be Punished, Not Fed Pastries.

For Every Teenager I Know, Having A Phone Is A Mixed Blessing, Because Your Parents Can Press A Button And Figure Out Where You Are.

It Is Likely I Will Die Next To A Pile Of Things I Was Meaning To Read.

Never Mind What My Name Is,” The Man Said. “no One Can Pronounce It Anyway. Just Call Me Sir.

The Right Hand Doesn’t Know What The Left Is Doing” Is A Phrase That Refers To Times When People Ought To Know, But Don’t Know, About Something That Is Happening Very Close To Them. For Instance, You Ought To Know About The Man Who Watches You When You Sleep.

In This Book, Not Only Is There No Happy Ending, There Is No Happy Beginning And Very Few Happy Things In The Middle.

If You Have Ever Had A Miserable Experience, Then You Have Probably Had It Said To You That You Would Feel Better In The Morning. This, Of Course, Is Utter Nonsense, Because A Miserable Experience Remains A Miserable Experience Even On The Loveliest Of Morning.

Love Was In The Air, So Both Of Us Walked Through Love On Our Way To The Corner.

13. 99 Percent Is A Very Large Percentage. For Instance, Easily 99 Percent Of People Want A Roof Over Their Heads, Food On Their Tables, And The Occasional Slice Of Cake For Dessert. Surely An Arrangement Can Be Made With That Niggling 1 Percent Who Disagree.

One Wanders Through Life As If Wandering Through A Field In The Dark Of Night, Wearing A Blindfold And Very Heavy Shoes, With A Poisonous Toad Waiting Patiently Beneath A Clump Of Weeds, Knowing Full Well That Eventually You Will Step On Him.

I Found Powerful The Idea That Everything We Have Is, In Effect, Stolen From Everybody Else.

Life Isn't Fair," He Said, In His Undisguised Voice, And For Once The Baudelaire Orphans Agreed With Every Word The Man Said.

We Are All Told To Ignore Bullies. It's Something They Teach You, And They Can Teach You Anything. It Doesn't Mean You Learn It. It Doesn't Mean You Believe It. One Should Never Ignore Bullies. One Should Stop Them.

I'm Not A Believer In Predetermined Fates, Being Rewarded For One's Efforts. I'm Not A Believer In Karma. The Reason Why I Try To Be A Good Person Is Because I Think It's The Right Thing To Do. If I Commit Fewer Bad Acts There Will Be Fewer Bad Acts, Maybe Other People Will Join In Committing Fewer Bad Acts, And In Time There Will Be Fewer And Fewer Of Them.

There Is A Kind Of Crying I Hope You Have Not Experienced, And It Is Not Just Crying About Something Terrible That Has Happened, But A Crying For All Of The Terrible Things That Have Happened, Not Just To You But To Everyone You Know And To Everyone You Don’t Know And Even The People You Don’t Want To Know, A Crying That Cannot Be Diluted By A Brave Deed Or A Kind Word, But Only By Someone Holding You As Your Shoulders Shake And Your Tears Run Down Your Face.

I Have A Dream Of What Would Have Happened If What Happened Instead Hadn't.

You Might Be Afraid Of The Dark, But The Dark Is Not Afraid Of You. That’s Why The Dark Is Always Close By.

Off With You" Is A Phrase Used By People Who Lack The Curtesy To Say Something More Polite, Such As, "if There's Nothing Else You Require I Must Be Going" Or "i'm Sorry But I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave, Please" Or Even "excuse Me But I Believe You Have Mistaken My Home For Your Own And My Valuable Belongings For Yours And I Must Ask You To Return The Items In Question To Me And Leave My Home After Untying Me From This Chair, As I'm Unable To Do It Myself, If It's Not Too Much Trouble.

One Can Remain Alive Long Past The Usual Date Of Disintegration If One Is Unafraid Of Change, Insatiable In Intellectual Curiosity, Interested In Big Things, And Happy In Small Ways.

Desperation Is Like A Spilled Drink; Even If It's Delicious, No One Will Get Near It. Cultivate An Aura Of Glamorous Unapproachability.

It Seems To Me That Oftentimes In Young Relationships Once There's A Problem Of Some Significance Then It's Almost Like They're Both Racing For The Dumper Buzzer.

Neither Were You [born Yesterday], Unless Of Course I Am Wrong, In Which Case Welcome To The World, Little Baby, And Congratulations On Learning To Read So Early In Life.

Congratulations

Everybody Will Die, But Very Few People Want To Be Reminded Of That Fact.

There Are Two Good Reasons To Put Your Napkin In Your Lap. One Is That Food Might Spill In Your Lap, And It Is Better To Stain The Napkin Than Your Clothing. The Other Is That It Can Serve As A Perfect Hiding Place. Practically Nobody Is Nosey Enough To Take The Napkin Off A Lap To See What Is Hidden There.

Nobody Wants To Hear That You Will Try Your Best. It Is The Wrong Thing To Say. It Is Like Saying 'i Probably Won't Hit You With A Shovel.' Suddenly Everyone Is Afraid You Will Do The Opposite.

Bad Circumstances Have A Way Of Ruining Things That Would Otherwise Be Pleasant.

Sometimes When Someone Tells A Ridiculous Lie, It Is Best To Ignore It Entirely.

As I Am Sure You Know, When People Say 'it's My Pleasure,' They Usually Mean Something Along The Lines Of, 'there's Nothing On Earth I Would Rather Do Less.' [...]

For Obvious Reasons, I Never Told You About My Notebook, With A Cover As Green As Mansions Long Ago, Which I Use As A Commonplace Book, A Phrase Which Here Means 'place Where I Have Collected Passages From Some Of The Most Important Books I Have Read.

Of Course I'm Trying To Trick You! That's The Way Of The World, Baudelaires. Everyone Runs Around With Their Secrets And Their Schemes, Trying To Outwit Everyone Else.

That Night It Felt That Somehow By Flicking Them Off The Roof, The Matches Would Burn Down Everything, The Sparks From The Tips Of The Flames, Torching The World And All The Heartbroken People In It.

Appearance Matters A Great Deal Because You Can Often Tell A Lot About People By Looking At How They Present Themselves.

I Will Love You If I Never See You Again, And I Will Love You If I See You Every Tuesday.

Love Can Smack You Like A Seagull, And Pour All Over Your Feet Like Junkmail. You Can't Be Ready For Such A Thing Any More Than Salt Water Taffy Gets You Ready For The Ocean.

It Is Not Always The Job Of People Shouting Outside Impressive Buildings To Solve Problems. It Is Often The Job Of The People Inside, Who Have Paper, Pens, Desks, And An Impressive View.

I Like To Give People Novels I Think They Would Like, On No Particular Occasion - Just When We're In A Bookstore Together. I Like To Receive Reference Books On My Birthday.

There Are Times To Stay Put, And What You Want Will Come To You, And There Are Times To Go Out Into The World And Find Such A Thing For Yourself.

There Are Secrets Everywhere. I Think Everyone's Parents Have Secrets. You Just Have To Know Where To Look For Them.

Everyone Tells You It's All Right To Cry, But Not Enough People Say It's All Right If You Don't Want People To Know.

Wishing, Like Sipping A Glass Of Punch, Or Pulling Aside A Bearskin Rug In Order To Access A Hidden Trapdoor In The Floor, Is Merely A Quiet Way To Spend One's Time Before The Candles Are Extinguished On One's Birthday Cake.

I Am So Tired, I Can Hardly Type These Worfs.

Death Is Something You Cannot Escape, Such As Death, Or A Cheesecake That Has Curdled, Both Of Which Always Turn Up Sooner Later.

Fate Is Like A Strange, Unpopular Restaurant Filled With Odd Little Waiters Who Bring You Things You Never Asked For And Don't Always Like.

A Library Is Like An Island In The Middle Of A Vast Sea Of Ignorance, Particularly If The Library Is Very Tall And The Surrounding Area Has Been Flooded.

For Beatrice, When We Met, My Life Began. Soon Afterwards, Yours Ended.

Series Of Unfortunate Events

A Passport, As I'm Sure You Know, Is A Document That One Shows To Government Officials Whenever One Reaches A Border Between Two Countries, So That The Official Can Learn Who You Are, Where You Were Born, And How You Look When Photographed Unflatteringly.

The Idea That The Curtain Rises On What Is Often More Or Less A Happy Scene, And It Will Fall Just A Few Hours Later, And Everyone Will Be Dead Or Have Gone Mad... I Find That Kind Of Narrative Very Appealing.

Can't We Sleep Ten Minutes More? I Was Having A Lovely Dream About Sneezing Without Covering My Mouth, And Giving Everybody Germs.

I First Told The Idea To An Editor I Had Met Who, After Reading One Of My Novels For Adults That Was Set In A High School, Had An Idea That I Might Write Something For Children.

I Write Storys To Entertain Not To Be The Best

It Seemed To Me That Every Adult Did Something Terrible Sooner Or Later. And Every Child, I Thought, Sooner Or Later Becomes An Adult.

If You Are A Student You Should Always Get A Good Nights Sleep Unless You Have Come To The Good Part Of Your Book, And Then You Should Stay Up All Night And Let Your Schoolwork Fall By The Wayside, A Phrase Which Means 'flunk'.

Normally It Is Not Polite To Go Into Somebody’s Room Without Knocking, But You Can Make An Exception If The Person Is Dead, Or Pretending To Be Dead.

Frustration Is An Interesting Emotional State, Because It Tends To Bring Out The Worst In Whoever Is Frustrated.

Once More, This Is Love: It Rings And You Open Up Unless It Looks Like An Ax Murderer.

The Movie Was Kickass, Which Was Appropriate, Because Tonight It Was Called Kickass: The Movie.

The Way Sadness Works Is One Of The Strangest Riddles Of The World.

It Is Very Useful, When One Is Young, To Learn The Difference Between "literally" And "figuratively." If Something Happens Literally, It Actually Happens; If Something Happens Figuratively, It Feels Like It Is Happening. If You Are Literally Jumping For Joy, For Instance, It Means You Are Leaping In The Air Because You Are Very Happy. If You Are Figuratively Jumping For Joy, It Means You Are So Happy That You Could Jump For Joy, But Are Saving Your Energy For Other Matters.

I'm Always Loath To Make Generalizations About What Is For Children And What Isn't. Certainly Children's Literature As A Genre Has Some Restrictions, So Certain Things Will Never Pop Up In A Snicket Book. But I Didn't Know Anything About Writing For Children When I Started - This Is The Theme Of Naïveté Creeping Up On Us Once More - And I Sort Of Still Don't, And I'm Happy That Adults Are Reading Them As Well As Children.

A Successful Villain Should Have All These Things At His Or Her Villainous Fingertips, Or Else Give Up Villainy Altogether And Try To Lead A Life Of Decency, Integrity, And Kindness, Which Is Much More Challenging And Noble, If Not Always Quite As Exciting.

Is It Fair For The Bears To Come Down To Where Humans Live, Looking For Food? Is It Fair For The Duke's Soldiers To Shoot At Them? Is It Fair For The Bears To Crush Them With Giant Snowballs? Often, If You Point Out Something That Isn't Fair, Someone Will Reply, "life Isn't Fair." What Is To Be Done With Such People?

There Are Those Who Say That Life Is Like A Book, With Chapters For Each Event In Your Life And A Limited Number Of Pages On Which You Can Spend Your Time. But I Prefer To Think That A Book Is Like A Life, Particularly A Good One, Which Is Well To Worth Staying Up All Night To Finish.

Friends Can Make You Feel That The World Is Smaller And Less Sneaky Than It Really Is, Because You Know People Who Have Similar Experiences.

If You Wish To Avoid An Unpleasant Story You Had Best Put This Book Down

There Are Two Types Of Panicking: Standing Still And Not Saying A Word, And Leaping All Over The Place Babbling Anything That Comes Into Your Head.

You Know I Want To Be A Director, But You Could Never Truly See The Movies In My Head And That, Ed, Is Why We Broke Up.

Anyone Who Knew Violet Well Could Tell She Was Thinking Hard, Because Her Long Hair Was Tied Up In A Ribbon To Keep It Out Of Her Eyes. Violet Had A Real Knack For Inventing And Building Strange Devices, So Her Brain Was Often Filled With Images Of Pulleys, Levers, And Gears, And She Never Wanted To Be Distracted By Something As Trivial As Her Hair.

The Last Safe Place Is Safe No More.

There Is Only Laughing Across The Land As The Car Moves You Along, On Your Way Someplace With Love In The Car.

It Is Very Easy To Say That The Important Thing Is To Try Your Best, But If You Are In Real Trouble The Most Important Thing Is Not Trying Your Best, But Getting To Safety.

Literature Doesn’t Exactly Have A Strong Mental-health Track Record.

I Can See It, Ed, I Leaned Deeper Into You, Felt You Nodding Along With The Sounds In The Room, And Your Warmth Signaled Through To Me From Under Your Shirt, Lovely Strong, Safe And Right.

It Is A Curious Thing, The Death Of A Loved One. We All Know That Our Time In This World Is Limited, And That Eventually All Of Us Will End Up Underneath Some Sheet, Never To Wake Up. And Yet It Is Always A Surprise When It Happens To Someone We Know. It Is Like Walking Up The Stairs To Your Bedroom In The Dark, And Thinking There Is One More Stair Than There Is. Your Foot Falls Down, Through The Air, And There Is A Sickly Moment Of Dark Surprise As You Try And Readjust The Way You Thought Of Things.

When I Wrote Rick, I Had The Idea That I Would Take The Plot Of Nearly Every Opera And Turn It Into A Dark Film, Which Is Something I Still May Do.

Stretched Out In Front Of Me Was My Time As An Adult, And Then A Skeleton, And Then Nothing Except Perhaps A Few Books On A Few Shelves.

Morning Is An Important Time Of Day, Because How You Spend Your Morning Can Often Tell You What Kind Of Day You Are Going To Have.

When Someone Is Crying, Of Course, The Noble Thing To Do Is To Comfort Them. But If Someone Is Trying To Hide Their Tears, It May Also Be Noble To Pretend You Do Not Notice Them.

Like Most Writers, I Look Back On All Of My Finished Works With Utter Regret, And The Trouble With Writing A Series Of Novels Is That You Have To Go Back And Read Them, And Make Sure That You Haven't Forgotten Anything You've Created, And Then When You Do That, You're Faced With Your Own Mistakes On Every Trick, From The Wrong Word In Places To Entirely The Wrong Incident.

It Is A Miracle If You Can Find True Friends, And It Is A Miracle If You Have Enough Food To Eat, And It Is A Miracle If You Get To Spend Your Days And Evenings Doing Whatever It Is You Like To Do, And The Holiday Season - Like All The Other Seasons - Is A Good Time Not Only To Tell Stories Of Miracles, But To Think About The Miracles In Your Own Life, And To Be Grateful For Them, And That's The End Of This Particular Story.

Perhaps If We Saw What Was Ahead Of Us, And Glimpsed The Follies, And Misfortunes That Would Befall Us Later On, We Would All Stay In Our Mother's Wombs, And Then There Would Be Nobody In The World But A Great Number Of Very Fat, Very Irritated Women.

Never Trust Anyone Who Has Not Brought A Book With Them.

I Was Stupid, The Official Descriptive Phrase For Happy.

But The Law Is An Odd Thing. For Instance, One Country In Europe Has A Law That Requires All Its Bakers To Sell Bread At The Exact Same Price. A Certain Island Has A Law That Forbids Anyone From Removing Its Fruit. And A Town Not Too Far From Where You Live Has A Law That Bars Me From Coming Within Five Miles Of Its Borders.

This World Is Suchier Than We Are, And The Best Thing To Do Is Keep Moving And Find Your Keys.

I Think I’ve Always Believed That There Is One Person In The Universe Who You’re Truly Meant For–for Whom You Are Truly Meant–and The Fact That Sometimes There Are Two Or Even More People On The Earth You Can Fall In Love With Really Bothers Me. It Suggests That If You Work Hard You Can Be Meant For Anyone.

Falling In Love

If You Are Allergic To A Thing, It Is Best Not To Put That Thing In Your Mouth, Particularly If The Thing Is Cats.

Like A Lot Of People Whose Children Were Small In The 2000s, I Read [daniel Handler] Books Out Loud And I Loved Them.

If You Have Ever Lost A Loved One, Then You Know Exactly How It Feels. And If You Have Not, Then You Cannot Possibly Imagine It.

If You Are Interested In Happy Endings, You Would Be Better Off Reading Some Other Book. In This Book, Not Only Is There No Happy Ending, There Is No Happy Beginning And Very Few Happy Things In The Middle. This Is Because Not Very Many Happy Things Happened In The Lives Of The Three Baudelaire Youngsters.

I Love Meeting People Who Have Absolutely No Sense Of Irony. It's Really Fascinating To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Go Through Life Without Understanding Even The Most Basic Of Ironies.

Occasionally There Are Parents Who Say, "i Brought My Child So He Or She Could Learn What The Career Of A Writer Is Like, And You Did This Long Theatrical Performance Instead, And I'm Very Disappointed."

Back In The Late '90s, A Writer Named Daniel Handler Decided That Kids Books Were Too Cheerful. I Mean, All The "harry Potter" Series Did Was Occasionally Kill Off Major Characters. Thus Was Born "a Series Of Unfortunate Events" And Its Mysterious Author, Lemony Snicket. "a Series Of Unfortunate Events" Is Now A Great New Series On Netflix.

I Have Gone Into Town To Buy A Few Last Things We Need For The Expedition: Peruvian Wasp Repellent, Toothbrushes, Canned Peaches, And A Fireproof Canoe. It Will Take A While To Find The Peaches, So Don't Expect Me Back Until Dinnertime. Stephano, Gustav's Replacement, Will Arrive Today By Taxi. Please Make Him Feel Welcome. As You Know, It Is Only Two Days Until The Expedition, So Please Work Very Hard Today. Your Giddy Uncle, Monty

Sometimes The Things You’ve Lost Can Be Found Again In Unexpected Places.

It Is Always Tedious When Someone Tells You That If You Don't Stop Crying, They Will Give You Something To Cry About, Because If You Are Crying Then You Already Have Something To Cry About, And So There Is No Reason For Them To Give You Anything Additional To Cry About, Thank You Very Much.

Dumping You Times Infinity. Still Not Enough.

You Meet People Who Are In Pain In Life And Love And You Forgive Them For Behaving The Way They Do.

You'd Think That Sweet Would Be A Land Far, Far Away From Irritating, But As It Turns Out They're Right Next Door, And Always Having Border Disputes.

Either You Have The Feeling Or You Don't. Hawk Davies

There Was Still Plenty Of Water In The Basement, And I Felt It Soaking Me From The Knees On Down. If Someone Wanted To Torture Me Until I Told Them A Critical Piece Of Information, All They Would Have To Do Is Get My Socks Wet. It Feels Terrible.

When Somebody Is A Little Bit Wrong - Say, When A Waited Puts Nonfat Milk In Your Espresso Macchiato, Instead Of Lowfat Milk - It Is Often Quite Easy To Explain To Them How And Why They Are Wrong. But If Somebody Is Surprisingly Wrong - Say, When A Waiter Bites Your Nose Instead Of Taking Your Order - You Can Often Be So Surprised That You Are Unable To Say Anything At All. Paralyzed By How Wrong The Waiter Is, Your Moth Would Hang Slightly Open And Your Eyes Would Blink Over And Over, But You Would Be Unable To Say A Word.

I Go To Bed Early And Rise Late And Feel As If I Have Hardly Slept, Probably Because I Have Been Reading Almost The Entire Time.

I've Never Had A Musical Career. So I Think It's Been Unaffected. I Play The Accordion. In Terms Of Thinking Of It As A Musical Career, I Think It's Sort Of Like Calling Yourself An Astronaut Because You Have A Shiny Suit.

Young Writers Should Read Books Past Bedtime And Write Things Down In Notebooks When They Are Supposed To Be Doing Something Else.

A New Experience Can Be Extremely Pleasurable, Or Extremely Irritating, Or Somewhere In Between, And You Never Know Until You Try It Out.

New Experiences

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures" Is An Aphorism Which Here Means "sometimes You Need To Change Your Facial Expression In Order To Create A Workable Disguise." The Quoting Of An Aphorism, Such As "it Takes A Village To Raise A Child," "no News Is Good News," And "love Conquers All," Rarely Indicates That Something Helpful Is About To Happen, Which Is Why We Provide Our Volunteers With A Disguise Kit In Addition To Helpful Phrases Of Advice.

There Are Two Kinds Of Fears: Rational And Irrational- Or In Simpler Terms, Fears That Make Sense And Fears That Don't.

...there's Not Enough Ink And Paper To Say All I Wanted.

I Often Can't Remember Which Scenes Are And Aren't In The Final Product, Because I Saw So Many Different Versions Of The Lemony Snicket That I Forget Which Ended Up On The Cutting-room Floor.

Get Out Of My Way, You Cakesniffers!” Said A Rude, Violent, And Filthy Little Girl, Shoving The Baudelaire Orphans Aside As She Dashed By.

It Looked Like Something The Hemlock Needed, Or A Piece Of Equipment A Plumber Had Left Behind. It Looked Like None Of Your Business.

This Story Is About The Baudelaires. And They Are The Sort Of People Who Know That There’s Always Something. Something To Invent, Something To Read, Something To Bite, And Something To Do, To Make A Sanctuary, No Matter How Small. And For This Reason, I Am Happy To Say, The Baudelaires Were Very Fortunate Indeed.

Just About Everything In This World Is Easier Said Than Done, With The Exception Of 'systematically Assisting Sisyphus's Stealthy, Syst-susceptible Sister,' Which Is Easier Done Than Said.

Like A Church Bell, A Coffin, And A Vat Of Melted Chocolate, A Supply Closet Is Rarely A Comfortable Place To Hide.

All The Secrets Of The World Are Contained In Books. Read At Your Own Risk.

There Is Nothing Particularly Wrong With Salmon, Of Course, But Like Caramel Candy, Strawberry Yogurt, Or Liquid Carpet Cleaner, If You Eat Too Much Of It You Are Not Going To Enjoy Your Meal.

I Can't Imagine Why You Would Want To Take Your Child To See What The Career Of A Writer Is Like, Because It Mostly Consists Of Sitting In A Room Typing, Or Going To The Library And Looking Something Up. Those Are Not Exciting Things To Watch.

That Night Was A Dark Day. Of Course, All Nights Are Dark Days, Because Night Is Simply A Badly Lit Version Of Day.

This Is My Knife. It Is Very Sharp And Very Eager To Hurt You.

Temper Tantrums, However Fun They May Be To Throw, Rarely Solve Whatever Problem Is Causing Them.

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What Is The Best Way To Keep A Secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell It To Everyone You Know, But Pretend You Are Kidding.

It Is Always Terrible To Be Told To Go Play With People One Doesn't Know.

Wherever There’s A Conductor, You’re Sure To Find A Dead Composer!

I Am Heartbroken, But I Have Been Heartbroken Before, And This Might Be The Best For Which I Can Hope.

The Edith Head Trio, I Would Say, Would Be Even Less Of A Musical Career Than Playing The Accordion, Particularly Because I Played The Accordion In The Edith Head Trio. I'm Very Impressed By Your Googling. The Edith Head Trio And Another Band, Tzamboni, Were Two Bands I Was In After College That Played At Tiny Clubs To Little Acclaim. Our Gypsy Tango Version Of "when Doves Cry" Was Our Biggest Hit.but We Were Not Destined For Greatness.

They Say That When You’re Really In Love, The World Becomes Gossamer And Gorgeous, But In My Experience The World Gets Grimy, And The Love Object Is In Stark Relief From The Surroundings. This Is Love, A Pretty Thing On An Ugly Street.

Accidents Happen All The Time.

Accidents Happen

I Always Think It's Silly When People Talk About Works Of Culture Taking Risks. Because There's Not Any Risk Involved.

I’m Not A Cuckoo, Either. I’m A Fool Is What.

It Is Difficult, When Faced With A Situation You Cannot Control, To Admit You Can Do Nothing.

Make Sure You Have Your Own Mask On, Before Helping Others With Theirs.

Klaus Sighed, And Opened A Book, And As At So Many Other Times When The Middle Baudelaire Child Did Not Want To Think About His Circumstances, He Began To Read.

Certain People Have Said That The World Is Like A Calm Pond, And That Anytime A Person Does Even The Smallest Thing, It Is As If A Stone Has Dropped Into The Pond, Spreading Circles Of Ripples Further And Further Out, Until The Entire World Has Been Changed By One Tiny Action.

But I Must Admit I Miss You Terribly. The World Is Too Quiet Without You Nearby.

Opera Was An Enormous Part Of My Childhood. My Parents Were Both Opera Buffs, And They Met In The Box Seat Of An Opera Performance. And I Also Was A Boy Soprano, So Before Puberty Hit, I Was Onstage Playing A Wide Variety Of Orphans And Urchins In All Sorts Of Operas, And The Sheer Melodrama Of Their Stories Was Just Always Appealing To Me.

The Difference Between A House And A Home Is Like The Difference Between A Man And A Woman-- It Might Be Embarrassing To Explain, But It Would Be Very Unusual To Get Them Confused.

It Is Not The Diamonds Or The Birds, The People Or The Potatoes, It Is Not Any Of The Nouns. The Miracle Is The Adverbs, The Way Things Are Done. It Is The Way Love Gets Done Despite Every Catastrophe.

It Is So Rare In This World To Meet A Trustworthy Person Who Truly Wants To Help You, And Finding Such A Person Can Make You Feel Warm And Safe, Even If You Are In The Middle Of A Windy Valley High Up In The Mountains.

They Didn't Understand It, But Like So Many Unfortunate Events In Life, Just Because You Don't Understand It Doesn't Mean It Isn't So.

But The World Did Not Match The Picture In My Head, And Instead I Was With A Strange, Uncombed Person, Overlooking A Sea Without Water And A Forest Without Trees.

Of Course, It Is Boring To Read About Boring Thing, But It Is Better To Read Something That Makes You Yawn With Boredom Than Something That Will Make You Weep Uncontrollably, Pound Your Fists Against The Floor, And Leave Tearstains All Over Your Pillowcase, Sheets, And Boomerang Collection.

Every Time You Enter A Library You Might Say To Yourself, "the World Is Quiet Here," As A Sort Of Pledge Proclaiming Reading To Be The Greater Good.

The Way That The Stories Go In The Snicket Books Is Just The Way Stories Naturally Go To Me. They're Full Of Misery, And Yet The Misery Ends Up Being Slightly Hilarious. And In Terms Of The Warnings On The Back Of The Books, That Really Started As An Honest Assessment Of Their Marketability.

After A Certain Age, You Couldn't Even Say Where You Were From. You Went Someplace, And Lived There. And Then You Went Someplace Else.

There Are Almost As Many Kinds Of Libraries As There Are Kinds Of Readers.

When You Say, "history Is Written By The Winners," You Like To Think About Someone Who Isn't You. You Want To Think, "oh, That's The Juggernaut I'm Standing Against." But You're Probably Part Of It.

...there's Nothing Wrong With Occasionally Staring Out The Window And Thinking Nonsense, As Long As The Nonsense Is Yours.

But One Type Of Book That Practically No One Likes To Read Is A Book About The Law. Books About The Law Are Notorious For Being Very Long, Very Dull, And Very Difficult To Read. This Is One Reason Many Lawyers Make Heaps Of Money. The Money Is An Incentive - The Word "incentive" Here Means "an Offered Reward To Persuade You To Do Something You Don't Want To Do - To Read Long, Dull, And Difficult Books.

What Do Your Parents Know, About Surviving?

At Times The World May Seem An Unfriendly And Sinister Place, But Believe That There Is Much More Good In It Than Bad. All You Have To Do Is Look Hard Enough. And What Might Seem To Be A Series Of Unfortunate Events May In Fact Be The First Steps Of A Journey.

What You Don't Read Is Often As Important As What You Do Read.

Even Though There Are No Ways Of Knowing For Sure, There Are Ways Of Knowing For Pretty Sure.

There Is No Way Of Knowing For Sure Whether Or Not You Can Trust Someone, For The Simple Reason That Circumstances Change All Of The Time.

The Way Sadness Works Is One Of The Strange Riddles Of The World. If You Are Stricken With A Great Sadness, You May Feel As If You Have Been Set Aflame, Not Only Because Of The Enormous Pain, But Also Because Your Sadness May Spread Over Your Life, Like Smoke From An Enormous Fire.

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