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When People Look And Decide They Have Nothing In Common With Me - I'm 43, Balding, Blond, Whatever - There's Something Absolutely Invigorating About Winning Them Over. Even If It's Eight People From Sweden Who Don't Understand What I'm Talking About.

-Jim Gaffigan

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When People Look And

Jim Gaffigan

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When People Look And Decide They Have Nothing In Common With Me - I'm 43, Balding, Blond, Whatever - There's Something Absolutely Invigorating About Winning Them Over. Even If It's Eight People From Sweden Who Don't Understand What I'm Talking About.

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More From Jim Gaffigan

There's A Certain Balance Between Finding An Opportunity To Do What You Really Enjoy And Getting Caught Up In The Flattery Of People Wanting You To Do Things.

It's Kind Of Hard To Articulate, But, Like, This Notion Of Mercy, Forgiveness, Was Very Appealing For Me. It Was Very Profound. And It Had A Deep Impact, And I Think It Still Does.

People Get Burned Out In Big Families, You Can Even See It In The Naming Of Children. Like The First Kid, "you Were Named After Grandma." The Seventh Kid, "you Were Named After A Sandwich I Had. Now Get Your Brother, Reuben."

You Ever Mix Two Different Groups Of Friends? That Can Be Stressful. You Always Feel Like You Have To Prep 'em. You're Like, "these People Over Here, Uh, They Don't Think I Drink. And Don't Be Thrown By My British Accent."

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

I Spent Most Of My Adult Life Essentially Agnostic Or An Atheist.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

When You Have Five Little Kids, You're Not Going To Open Mindy Kaling's Latest Book. You're Playing With Your Kids.

Stand-up Is So Rewarding, And I Enjoy The Acting Opportunities I've Had, But The Only Time I Really Feel Bad Is When I Feel Like I Have This Manufactured Belief That I Should Be Doing Something Else Or There Should Be Some Type Of Recognition. On An Intellectual Level, I Know It's Stupid.

I'd Really Like To Promote My Increasing Consumption Of Bacon.

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

Even When You Hear About A Comedian Getting Married, Among Comedians, We're Always Kind Of Like, What Are They Doing?

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

Babies, They Learn How To Walk And They Are Already Trying To Run Away. You Can't Reach The Doorknob, You Only Know Us, Think It Through.

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

As I Go On In Standup, I Keep Being Described As Cleaner And Cleaner As I Do Each Hour, They're Like, 'it's Unbelievable How Clean,' 'he's The Cleanest Person In The World.' And Then I'll Do Shows And People Will Be Like, 'you're Supposed To Be So Clean, But You're Talking About Cancer.'

The Entertainment Business Is Such A Strange, Crazy Perception Business That You're Either Given Way Too Much Respect, Like People Saying, "you Should Be The Head Of The Sitcom!" Or You're Given No Respect, Where They're Like, "you Should Audition To Be The Garbage Man That Lives Four Houses Down."

My Faith Is Very Personal. It's Not Something That I Want To Project On Other People.

I Feel Guilty If I'm Not Reading Books, But I Read Scripts Of Movies Or Things That I Know I'm Committed To That I'm Going To Do The Project. I Tell Myself, "i'm Going To Read This Script Like Six Times," And I Only Read It The Initial Time.

We Wrote About Having Five Kids And Bringing Them To Church. A Journalist At The Washington Post Wrote This Article Where The Headline Was "the New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And It Was A Bit Terrifying.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

You Ever Talk About A Movie With Someone That Read The Book? They're Always So Condescending. 'ah, The Book Was Much Better Than The Movie.' Oh Really? What I Enjoyed About The Movie: No Reading.

But Truly, Women Are Amazing. Think About It This Way: A Woman Can Grow A Baby Inside Her Body. Then A Woman Can Deliver The Baby Through Her Body. Then, By Some Miracle, A Woman Can Feed A Baby With Her Body. When You Compare That To The Male’s Contribution To Life, It’s Kind Of Embarrassing, Really.

You Don't Use Mayonnaise, Why? ... Are You Addicted To Mayonnaise? Is It Okay If I Use Mayonnaise? I Could Go Outside.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

I Always Had This Romantic Notion Of Living In New York. I Just Felt Like, Everyone Could Be Different And Weird And Whatever They Are In New York.

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

Some Of My Fear And Anxieties Surrounding Faith, I Think, Provides Some Good Comedy For My Act.

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

The Dc Improv Food Is Amazingly Edible For A Comedy Club.

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

I've Always Wanted To Be An Actor. I've Never Planned On The Acting And The Stand-up Feeding Each Other; They've Always Been Separate Desires.

The Reason I Say I'm A Horrible Person Is I Don't Want Myself To Be Presented As Somebody Who's A Great Catholic.

Horrible Person

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

I Realized, In Removing Or Rewriting These Jokes, That Often The Jokes Weren't Done Or That I Was Using, For Me, The Curse Words As Kind Of A Crutch. So Then I Just Started Writing.

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

Now The Thanksgiving Meal Is Just So Unnecessarily Difficult. I Mean Even Mashed Potatoes - It's Like The Most Difficult Kind Of, You Know, Medieval Idea. All Right, Instead Of Just Cooking Them, Why Don't You Spend, Like, Eight Hours Peeling Them And Then We'll Have To Mash Them Up. It Feels Like Prison Labor, Really.

I Smoke Crack. I Get All My Dancers Together And We Do A Prayer.

I Feel Like, Even In This Crazy World Of Trump Getting Elected And These Things That Really Kind Of Caught Me Off-guard, I Feel Like I Understand Less Than I Did.

Some People Have Their Own Bowling Ball And Their Own Bowling Shoes... And No Friends.

I Liked The Idea That My Character Was Not Gonna Be The Typical Dumb Guy That I Play, Typically. I Also Loved The Fact That It Was Dealing With Kind Of Adult-extended Adolescence, Which I Think Is Always Interesting - A Bunch Of People That Don't Wanna Grow Up.

I'm A Comedian, Which Is The Opposite Of A Lifestyle That Equips You To Be A Parent.

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

I Definitely Write About Things That Are Universal, That Everyone Can Identify With. You're Supposed To Write About Things You're Passionate About And I Guess I Am A Foodie. I Do Love Food And It's Kind Of Like I'm An Eccentric Observationalist Guy. To Make It Kind Of Universal, I Try A Lot Of Different Things. When I First Started Writing This, I Was Like, 'no Food.' Then, You Know, It Just Always Goes There.

I'd Been Acting And Doing Stand-up In New York About Eight Years, Getting Rejected, And I Finally Got The Opportunity To Do Stand-up On Letterman, Which Holds Even More Importance For Me. With Comedians, That's Definitely The Pinnacle, But Being From Indiana, It Was A Big To-do.

I Reached A Point In My Life Where I Didn't Really Like Who I Was.i Was Married To An Amazing Woman. I Had Children, And Yet There Was Frustration.

I'm Bald, Blind And Pale. I'm Like A Gigantic Recessive Gene.

In Stand Up, You Get An Awareness Of How You Come Across, But In Acting There Is Almost A Hyper-awareness On How You Might Be Physically Perceived.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

I Didn't Choose To Be The Guy Who Talks About The Mundane - It's Just Who I Am And It's What Kind Of Works For Me.

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

It's Good To Be Back In New York. I Have Lived Here Ten Years. I'm Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But The Fact Of The Matter Is Where I Grew Up There Was Something Very Similar To The Mafia: 4-h.

I Don't Want To Be A Tv Star For The Sake Of Being On Tv. I Want To Have A Tv Show That's Based Around My Comedy.

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

You Ever Read A Book That Changed Your Life? Me Neither.

I See Some People With Glasses Here, I Trust People With Glasses, Don't You? But If You're Wearing Your Glasses Like This ... "get Away From 'em!"

Cookies At Both Of Them. The Cookies Are Probably Better At Letterman Though.

I Love Standup Comedians. I Really Do.

Stand Up Comedian

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

Personal Things

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best?

The Amount Of Guilt You Deal With As A Parent Is Pretty Profound. It's A Constant Balancing Act. I'm An Ambitious Person, But When I Became A Father, Ambition Had A Different Hold On Me. Providing For My Kids Was Important, But The Superficial Ambition Drifted Away.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

You Can Never Find The Right Bowling Ball. This One's Too Heavy. This One's Good But Its Pink!

I Love My Career, But I Feel Like You've Got To Babysit A Lot Of Aspects Of Things. Assuming That Things Will Be Handled Properly Is Just Naive. But I Think That's Anyone's Life, Right? Even If You're Running A Construction Site, It Doesn't Matter If You've Been Doing It For 20 Years, You're Still Going To Be Blindsided By Someone's Incompetence Or Indifference.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

Lifetime Is Television For Women. Yet For Some Reason, There's Always A Woman Getting Beaten On That Channel. "in A Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter-berney Gets Beaten With A Rod. In A Lifetime Original, Rod."

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

I Grew Up In A Catholic Family In The Midwest. And I Knew People Of Different Faiths And People That Were Atheists And People That Were Agnostic.

I Talk Kinda Slow, Especially For The Northeast, So It Was A Way To Beat [would-be Hecklers] To The Punch.

People Treat Having A Kid As Somehow Retiring From Success. Quitting. Have You Seen A Baby? They’re Pretty Cute. Loving Them Is Pretty Easy. Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant. Being Happy Is Really The Definition Of Success, Isn’t It?

There's Something That's Really Fun About The Challenge Of Making The Mundane Funny, Too, I Think.

You Know, I Want To Teach, But I Don’t Want To Read?

I Wish, In Some Ways, I Was The Type Of Comedian Who Could Do Something Blistering And Topical, But I'm The Guy Who Gets Stuck In The Revolving Door And Thinks I Should Write About That.

When I Started Stand-up - And This Is In The '90s - There Was Definitely People Hadn't Watched Decades Of Comedy Central, Where People Are Really Much More Educated On Stand-up Comedy.

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.

Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant.

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

Don't Take This The Wrong Way But I Care More And I'm A Better Online Friend Than You. I Also Spend Way To Much Time Online.

I Don't Think Comedians Make An Active Decision To Be A Certain "persona." Comedians Write The Way They're Going To Write.

I Try To Only Eat Animals That Are Vegan. I'm Probably The Opposite Of A Vegan.

I've Stayed In So Many Hotel Rooms That I'm Shocked If, When I Stay In A Hotel Room, The Hotel Phone Isn't On The Desk. Then I'm Like, "this Isn't A Real Hotel Room." If There's Not Outlets Next To The Desk, Or If They Have An Iphone Adapter For An Iphone 4, That's When I'm Sitting There Annoyed. I Understand That It's Ridiculous, But That's Just Me Spending Way Too Much Time In Hotels.

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

You Could Say That To The Pope. I Want To Talk To You About Jesus. He'd Be Like, Easy, Freak.

My Children Have Made Me A Better Man, Which Is - In The End, That's Probably More Important Than Two More Comedy Specials Or Being In Better Shape.

In The End, The Type Of Parent You Are Is Going To Be Something That You Carry With You. ... Having Multiple Kids, It's Been A Gift In A Way. It's Keeping The Priorities Straighter.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

I Do Have Some Catholic Stuff That Is Done From The Perspective Of An Ignorant Catholic. But Other Than That, Topic-wise, There's Nothing Really Filthy.

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

I Should Clarify That Anyone That Goes Onstage And Makes Strangers Laugh Is Insane. So I Am Insane.

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

I Believe That Comedians Do What They Do, And Then They Get Credit Or Criticism For Doing It. There's Nothing Planned About This.

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

I Was Watching The Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? Why Don't They Just Call That One The Female?

It's Strange How Interesting Your Dreams Are, But When Someone Tries To Tell You Their Dream You're Just Like "whatever! Why Don't You Send Me An E-mail So I Can Delete It?"

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

I Just Want To Be Known As Funny.

I Was Still Rooting For Notre Dame.it's Like There's The Cultural Catholic Experience.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I Kinda Expected To Turn The Bottle And See A Recipe. "so That's How You Make Ice Cubes. Apparently You Just Freeze This Stuff. Oh, But You Need A Tray. That's How They Trick You Into It."

It's So Obvious The Weather Channel Is Pro Hurricane. Fair And Balanced My Ass.

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

I Come From A Very Big Family. Nine Parents.

The Thanksgiving Tradition Is, We Gorge. Hey, What About At Thanksgiving We Simply Consume A Considerable Measure? However We Do That Consistently! Goodness. Imagine A Scenario Where We Consume A Ton With Individuals Who Pester The Heck Out Of Us.

I Realize I Look Very Hip Hop But I'm Really More Emo With A Definite Brazilian Flavor.

I Didn't Think That It's Something That Would Happen. I Didn't Think I Would Be In The Position, Emotionally Or Financially, To Be Able To Do That. But I've Been Lucky [to Have Big Family].

Holidays Are Also An Opportunity For Kids To Unlearn Every Good Habit They've Learned During The Rest Of The Year. They Don't Go To School. They Get To Stay Up Past Their Bedtime. They Get Candy And Presents For Doing Nothing. Childhood Utopia.

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

You Wanna Know How Good Bacon Is? To Improve Other Food, They Wrap It In Bacon.

We Are All A Little Weird. And We Like To Think That There Is Always Someone Weirder. I Mean, I Am Sure Some Of You Are Looking At Me And Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As You,” And I Am Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As The People In The Loony Bin,” And The People In The Loony Bin Are Thinking, “well, At Least I Am An Orange”.

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

Failing And Laughing At Your Own Shortcomings Are The Hallmarks Of A Sane Parent.

Every Now And Then I'll Read A Book, I'll Be So Proud Of Myself, I'll Try And Squeeze It Into Conversation. People Will Be Like, "hey Jim, How Ya Do-" "i Read A Book! Two Hundred And Fifty Pages!" "that's Great, What Was It About?" "no Idea! Took Me Three Years!"

I'm A Big Eater. I Mean, A Lot Of My Stand-up Is About Food, And You Write About What You Know, And That's The Only Thing I Know. I Don't Know Anything Else.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

As A Dad, You Are The Vice President Of The Executive Branch Of Parenting. It Doesn't Matter What Your Personality Is Like, You Will Always Be Al Gore To Your Wife's Bill Clinton. She Feels The Pain And You Are The Annoying Nerd Telling Them To Turn Off The Lights.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

You Didn't Question - Kind Of Like, You Would Go To College. You Would Wear A Tie To Work. You Would, You Know, You Would Work For 40 Years. And Then You Would Play Golf For Three Years, And Then You Would Die. That Was How I Was Raised.

Well My Chocolate Is So Good I Could Sell It In An Obnoxious Prism Shape.

For A Comedian To Kind Of Catch Onto Something Right As Something's Catching On In Our Culture, A Lot Of It Is Luck, And You Hope The Joke Is Funny.

I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

I Am Single, I Don't Drink. It's Kind Of Hard To Get A Woman Buzzed When You Don't Drink. You'll Be Like, "yeah, I'll Have A Glass Of Water, You Want A Shot Of Jäger? You Want Eight Of 'em?"

There Are Different Parts Of Us. You Want To Feel Safe But You Want To Also Feel Challenged.

When Our Bed Is Made, It's Covered In 40 Pillows-like We're Stockpiling Ammo For The Global Pillow Fight.

It Is Amazing How Much More Amazing Sleep Is In The Morning. You Wake Up And You're Like, "i Stayed Up To Do What?! Watch Growing Pains? What Was I Thinking!?" But At Night You're Like, "la La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, Awesome! And I've Seen This Episode. That Kirk Cameron's Always In Trouble."

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You. So I Feel Like With Food, It Is A Passion Of Mine. It's Where My Sensibility Rests. I Love Topics That Are Universal, And I Love Stuff That Doesn't Alienate People.

Faith Is Something That's - It's Hard To Articulate. It's - There's - It's Not Based On Logic.

I Do Sierra Mist Commercials Not Because They Pay Me A Lot Of Money Or Because It Only Takes A Couple Of Days. I Do It Because I Have A Respect For All Sodas And I Like To Communicate That. Some People Say Soda, Some People Say Pop, Where I'm From In Indiana They Called It Breakfast.

My Whole Comic Persona Is That Of A Guy Who Explores The Id: I Romanticize Gluttony, I Romanticize Laziness, And People Identify With That.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

One Of The Benefits Of Eating Salad Is That You Can Eat Tons Of It And Never Be Satisfied.

Some Fast Food Places, They Have That Ketchup Pump. It's Like A Keg. They Give You The Paper Shot Glass. I Always Like To Hang Around There, Try And Meet The Ladies. "here, I'll Pump For You. You Come To This Wendy's Often? My Roommate And I, We Got A Pony Pump Back At My Dorm. Here's An Extra Shot "

Twitter Allowed Me To Talk About Parenting In Short Snippets And Find Out What I Really Wanted To Say About It, Which Is That I'm A Dad Who Had No Idea What He's Doing.

A Lot Of The Teachings Really Kind Of Keep Me Grounded.

No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

My Faith Kind Of Keeps Me In Touch With The Idea That I'm Not In Control Of Things.

Steakhouses Sort Of Have This Old-school Nature To Them; They're Like Museums Full Of Good Food. It's Fun Hearing The Waiter Share His Expertise On The Different Cuts Of Beef And How They're Going To Cut Up Your Baked Potato.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

Not That I Don't Think Irreverent Humor And Someone Being Filthy Is Funny, I Just Do What I Do. Any Comedian Would Admit Throwing An F-bomb In There Would Help Get A Reaction. ... I'm Not On A Puritanical Pursuit, But When I Would Curse In A Joke, I Believe I'm Not Done Writing It.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

I Don't Know What's More Exhausting About Parenting: The Getting Up Early, Or Acting Like You Know What You're Doing.

I Spend Way Too Much Time On Facebook And Myspace To Feel Too Uncomfortable At This. I Like To Think Of The Internet As An Effective Way To Waste Time And Time.

This City Has So Many Beautiful Women. I Fall In Love Like Every Ten Minutes, I'm Sitting On The Subway, I'm Like, "there's My Wife... There She Is - Oh, She's Getting Off. All Right, There's The Woman - All Right, That's A Man."

Falling In Love

In Indiana, I Wasn't Anything Special. But In New York, I've Gone Out With Girls With Purple Hair Who Go Out With Me Because I'm Exotic!

How'd We Come Up With The Robe? Was Some Guy Just Like, 'hey, I've Got An Idea! Why Don't We Make A Coat Out Of A Towel? You Can Have A Little Belt That Goes Around. You Could Dunk The Belt In The Toilet! Have A Toilet Belt.'

I'm There To Make People Laugh. I'm Not Trying To Come Across As Sexy.

They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets. When You Go Back Up And Ask For More, The Guy Handing Them Out Always Treats You Like You're Taking From His Personal Stash. "looks Like My Kids Aren't Having Ketchup Tonight."

All I Want To Do Is Be A Good Dad, But I'm Pretty Bad At It.

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

It's Like In Most Parts Of America, Where There Was Industry And There Is No Longer; There Is Cynicism Mixed With Sarcasm And Some Optimism. That's How My Background Influenced My Comedy.

I Went To A Catholic University And There's Something About Being A Catholic-american. You Know, St. Patrick's Day Is, I'm Irish-catholic. There's Alcoholism In My Family. It's Like I've Got To Be Catholic, Right?

That's Not To Say That I'm A Well-informed Catholic. I'm Still In Idiot.

You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

The Ridiculousness And Idiocy Of Life Is Embraced And Examined. It Nurtures The Childhood Perspective In Everyone.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

How About Those People Who Don't Need Sleep? What Are They Called Again? Successful? What A Bunch Of Dicks They Are.

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

There Are Some People Who Know Who I Am But There Are A Lot Of People That Have No Idea Who I Am - Which Is Not To Say That That's A Bad Thing.

There Was [ In New York] - Some Of It Was This Perception Of The Midwest That I Realized In This Multicultural City That - And I Don't Think It's As True As It Was - But Everyone Was Kind Of Like, What, Are You Jewish? Are You Italian? What Are You? You Know, Are You Black? Are You Da-da-da? Are You Puerto Rican? And So I Ended Up - My Ethnic Identity Was Midwestern, Was White Bread. And So It Informed A Lot Of My Stand-up.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

I Think When My Mother Died, It Was Such A - You Know, A Shock To The Logic That I Had Been Raised With.

I'm Kind Of Like A Guy Who's Missing A Little Bit Of The Guy Gene. Like, I Love Steak, But The Notion Of Golfing Is The Last Thing I Would Want To Do. I Love Women, But I'm Also A Mama's Boy, And Some Of My Best Friends Are Women. So I'm Kinda Half Guy's Guy.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

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Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Emily Dickinson

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