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When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

-Dylan Moran

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When I Was Young,

Dylan Moran

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When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

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Black Books Adheres To A More Old Fashioned, Traditional Sitcom Format, Which I Think Works, Because In Its Own Way, It's Quite Theatrical.

Stand-up Came Naturally To Me Because People In Ireland Talk. But That's Not Talking On Panel Shows; It Is Structured Fun. It Reminds Me Of Some Tragic Aunt Clapping Her Hands And Bouncing Into A Room And Announcing We Should All Play Games... And If We Don't We Are All A Rotten Spoilsport.

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I Grew Up In A House Where There Was Lots Of Teasing And Language Play And Laughter; It Was Very Important. When I Was A Teenager, You Wouldn't Go To A Bar And Find Lots Of Televisions Everywhere. People Were Talking. Talk Was The Mental Fire You Would Gather Around In The Evening. It Occupied A Big Part Of Your Existence.

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Money Can't Buy You Love, But It Can Get You Some Really Good Chocolate Ginger Biscuits.

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Don't Do It! Stay Away From Your Potential. You'll Mess It Up, It's Potential, Leave It. Anyway, It's Like Your Bank Balance - You Always Have A Lot Less Than You Think.

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I Really Can't Describe What My Stand-up Is Like - People See It And They Say It's Like That, Or It's Like This, And That's Really Up To Them, That's Fine, But I Don't Sit Around All Day Analysing It. I Just Try And Enjoy A Show And Interest Myself Because If I Don't Do That Then I Won't Interest Anybody Else.

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I've Lived In The Uk For Longer Than I Lived In Ireland. I'm Not Worried About Myself, But It's Ridiculous For Youngsters.

I'm Organised In Some Ways, But Not In Others.

I Quite Fancy The 1940s. I Like The Trams And The Trousers.

Vodka! That's A Child's Drink, Why Am I Drinking This Stupid Drink, Oh And Why Am I On A Traffic Island?

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I Was Lucky In The Sense That I Was Never Blessed With An Overly Reflective Nature.

He Could Dismiss Several Schools Of Philosophy By Shifting Slightly In His Chair Or Toting His Whisky Glass.

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Fruit... It's Just God Showing Off. "look At All The Colours I Know!"

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You Know It's A Sad Day When Your Child Looks At You And Asks 'daddy, Are These Organic?'

Showing Off Seemed To Me To Be A Highly Valuable And Necessary Activity When I Was 20.

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I Have Used That Song ["50ft Queenie"] And I'm A Big Pj Harvey Fan. I Think She's Fantastic.

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I Don't See Teenagers Anymore. I See... I See Youths. Slumped S Shapes In Their Hoodies, All Huddled Round A Bin Of Burning Grannies. All Texting Eachother Because They've Given Up On Speech.

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‎what's The Weather Like? ... It's Fierce Mild!

You Know What You Are? You're A Beard With An Idiot Hanging Off It.

I Have No Qualifications To Do Anything Else And There Weren't Any Formal Application Forms You Had To Fill In For Stand-up, So I Thought I'd Give That A Twist.

The East Is Very Mysterious To Westerners. Even Post-cold War, It's Still An Unknown Entity.

Don't You Dare Use Party As A Verb In My Shop

I Don't Want To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Trying Different Things

It's Such A Bullshit Move. Transparently So. It's Obviously Supposed To Give Succor To People Who Feel Pissed Off Because Someone From Another Country Got A Job That They Feel Should've Been Given To Them. But That's What People Voted Against Here. They Voted Against The Movement Of Labor - That Kind Of Fluidity - Because They Want A Britain That No Longer Exists, And They Can't Get It.

You're Never Going To Go. Why Would You Go? It's A Disgusting Place. It's Always Wet Even When It's Dry. There's Nothing There. Farmers Aren't Really People, You Know This. They're Just Necessary, We Need Somebody To Kill Cows.

When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

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I Don't Go Around Thinking Of Myself As A Great Anything.

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The Trend Now Is To Get Away From Stage Bound Sitcoms.

I Don't Want To Do Panel Games Or Adverts. I Really Like Challenges. I Always Get Roles As An Art Teacher Or A Photographer. In The Future I Want To Play Something Like A Mugger/assassin/pastry Chef.

I Can't Swim. I Can't Drive, Either. I Was Going To Learn To Drive But Then I Thought, Well, What If I Crash Into A Lake?

I Wanted To Show Off - A Simple Impulse Or Drive; In Much The Same Way As Some Kids Wanted To Play Football, I Wanted To Show Off. Not Complicated In That Sense, Very Natural; It Just Depends On How You Want To Show Off.

Idioms Are A Big Thing In Ireland. They Want To Fill The Time, To Show How Good They Are At Talk - It's A Talk-off

Vodka Is A Very Deceptive Drink, Because You Drink It And You Think, "what Is This? This Is Pointless! It's - You Can't Taste It, You Can't Smell It... Why Did We Waste Our Money On This, Bloody - Why Are We On A Traffic Island?"

You Should Be As Alive As You Can, Until You're Totally Dead!

You're Supposed To Eat The Cows. They're Great Big Lumbering Stupid Things - They'd Be Everywhere If We Didn't Eat Them.

I've Been Writing Since I Was Very Young, Even Before I Was A Teenager. As Far As I'm Concerned, I Am A Writer - Whether My Writing's Spoken Or Written In A Blog, Paper, Book Or Printed On The Side Of A Submarine.

Tequila? It's Not Even A Drink. It's A Way For Having The Cops Around Without Using A Phone.

Its Not Easy Being A Man You Know. I Had To Get Dressed Today… And There Are Other Pressures.

I'm Very Drawn To Eastern Europe, So I Like A Hungarian Writer Who Wrote In French Called Emil Cioran; He Was Always Good For Giving Me Such A Stir.

I Never Really Had A Career, To Be Honest With You. I Never In My Life Sat Down And Planned It. I Have Thought, 'oh, I'd Like To Do This,' Like Anybody Would. But I'm Not The Type That Says, 'if I Do This, It Will Lead To That.'

I Do Pauses, Pauses Work For Me

You Achieve The Surreal Jokes Through The Realism By Making It Elastic.

The Sensible Thing For Everyone To Do Would Be To Write All Their Op-eds And Think Pieces Now So They're Ready The Day After The Election When [donald] Trump Is No Longer In The Picture. God, I Can't Wait For That. I Hope He Just Goes Away.

If I Hadn't Done This I Might Have Ended Up Digging The Roads.

The Characters Can't Be Wittier Than People Are In Real Life. They Have To Be Character Witty.

You’re Not An Adult At All - You're Just A Tall Child Holding A Beer, Having Conversations You Don't Understand...

[washington] Is The Political Capital. It's Essentially A Big Office.

I'll Work For Whoever Wants To Hire Me. Even The Jewelry Channel.

The American Political Machinery Is Awesome To Behold In Its Scale And Expense And Waste And Madness. It's The Greatest Circus On Earth I Suppose.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room, You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything.

If You Covered A Broom Handle With Oil And Shoved It Up My Arse, Then Put Me On A Trampoline, In A Lift, I Could Write A Better Song On The Walls.

I've Got Better Things To Do Than Read Rubbish About Myself.

Better Things To Do

I Draw Hundreds And Hundreds Of Pictures Of Sort Of Gnarly Looking Men, So I Don't Know What That Tells You. People Who Look Like... They're Waiting For A Sandwich That's Never Going To Come. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me.

I'll Have To Look Into [washington] D.c. A Bit More. I Know It's Given Over To The Administration And The Bureaucracy Connected To It. It's A Super-organism Of The American State. But There's Also A Parallel City In There Where Normal People Live.

I Need A Healthy Injection Of Cynicism Right Now.

I Think A Lot Of The Time You Just Parody Yourself.

I Do Not Walk Around Imaging Myself To Be Intimidating Or Smart.

I Know There's Similar Dissatisfaction In America. There's A Lot Of White People Who Come From Blue Collar Backgrounds And Who Feel Ill-equipped And Badly Served By Modern Economics And The Modern Job Market.

I Think Of Myself As A Theatre Comic Instead Of Club Comic Because I Tend To Talk For A Bit Before I Start Being Funny. I Don't Really Do The One-liners And Five Second Bits Or Whatever. But It's Good To Work Stuff Out Sometimes.

I Thought The Office Was Good, Though I Didn't Think Of It As A Sitcom, Just As A Very Good Programme.

Now, I Meant To Talk About Something Else Earlier On, And I've Forgotten What It Was. I've Remembered What It Is Again, But I've Also Forgotten. And That's Really What Adult Life Is Like Most Of The Time.

You’re Not Going To Learn Anything If You’re Not Prepared To Go Flat, So I’m Very Happy To Go Flat.

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I'm Just A Guy Who Happens To Work In Public From Time To Time. I've Built A Reputation As An Established Comic, Not As A Celebrity - A Celebrity Is Someone Who Is Famous But Doesn't Do Anything.

I Actually Very Rarely See Comedy Myself, And Although I Admire The Work Of Some Comics, It Does Come From All Over, So I’ll Get A Charge Out Of Some Fiction Writers And Poets.

What Are Children Anyway? Midget Drunks. They Greet You In The Morning By Kneeing You In The Face And Talking Gibberish. They Can't Even Walk Straight.

I Was Fat! I Was Pustule-rich! I Looked Like A Pink Human Grenade! When Did I Blossom Into The Irresistible Little Orchid That I Am Now? I Don't Know. Getting Taller Helps. It Spreads Out A Bit.

You Cannot Over Estimate How Infantile Men Are About Sex! Men Are People That Have Sex Because They Have A Headache... Or Are On Fire, Or Have Been Shot In The Head, Or Whatever It Is!

A Lot Of The Fiction I Read Growing Up Was Post-war American, And Not All Of It Centers On Manhattan, But Around People Of The Mad Men Generation, People Like John Cheever And, In More Modern Times, Don Delillo, Who I Always Mention.

People Will Kill You Over Time, And How They'll Kill You Is With Tiny, Harmless Phrases, Like 'be Realistic.'

As An Irish Person, There's A Historical Fascination With America: America Is The Default Green And Promised Land For Irish People And Italians; That's What We Grow Up With.

I've Always Wanted To Visit [washington]. The Smithsonian Has Some Fantastic Archival Material On Blues Music, Which I'm Really Into. There's A Ton Of Stuff I Want To Do There. But It Just Never Happened.

I'm Actually About As Famous As A Fourth Division Footballer From The 70s.

Wow This Place Is Really Big Isn't It? They Must Do Proper Stuff Here, Like Opera And All That...shite.

Cooking? Oh We Were Great, You'd Take Anything And Melt Cheese On It, And The One Who Could Guess What It Was Didn't Have To Wash Up!

Nothing Can Make Me Feel Better Now, Except Cocaine.

I Think You Should, Yeah. You Should Wash Your Beard, Then Shave It Off, Nail It To A Frisbee And Fling It Over A Rainbow.

Paper Acts As An Eraser On The Mind, As Soon As You Look At What You've Written.

I Don't Have Lungs Anymore! Just Two Spare Bags That Flew In Under A Bridge One Day.

What I Prefer Is An Audience Who Listen. And Are Intelligent. Which I Try And Assume Every Audience Is. And That If Something Goes Wrong, It's Generally My Fault And Not Theirs.

Don't Clap I'm Not A Jazz Band For Christ's Sake.

Kids, They Are Always Hurting Themselves. It's Like, "quick, Get Me To Casualty Quick!" While Your Doing Something Important Like Sitting Down Picking Your Ear.

I'm Quite A Compulsive Person-i Only Worked This Out Recently - I'm Compulsive, But I'm Also Very Indecisive. I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know That I Want It Now.

I Wish I Was Like You! You Know Startled By Direct Sunlight.

There Are Two Types Of Wine Essentially, And Everybody Knows This. There's The One Where You Drink It And Go, "mmmm, Well That's Ok, Can We Get 8 Of Those Please, Give Us 8 Of Those." There's The Other One, You Know, Where You Go "ga... Bt... Jesus, What Is That?" Very, Very Occasionally I Concede You Will Hit A Subtle One. You Know, Where You Go "ga... Ba... Ah, Actually That's Not That Bad, That Is. It's Quite Nice."

You See The Button With The Guy With The Tray, And You Push It, And He Arrives With A Sandwich! And You Think: "yes! Yes! I Control Sandwich Monkey! I Live In Magic Land, Magic Land, Magic Land"

Eggs! They're Not A Food, They Belong In No Group! They're Just Farts Clothed In Substance!

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

I Fear We Might Be Losing The Basic Human Facility To Be Alone - And With That You Throw Out Independent Decision-making, What To Trust, What Not To Trust; Key Stuff - A Perilous Loss.

There's Always A Host Of Voices You're Inspired By. I Love Don Delillo, And I Love Isaac Bashevis Singer, And I Love Beckett, And I Love Pinter. He's One Of The Funniest Voices In English Literature Since Dickens.

Beer Must Be Made By Food Companies. It Makes You Wander The Streets At 3 Am Looking For Things To Eat. "what's That, Is It Moving, Get It!! It's A Nun! Fry Her!! Fry Her!"

I Enjoy Performing, Always, But When You're Taping A Gig, You've Got To Blank Out This Mass Apparatus Of Self-consciousness That's Surrounding You, This Invitation To Drown In Self-consciousness. Otherwise You Just Won't Be Able To Do Anything.

I'm Fascinated By How You'll Change Your Position So Many Times Over A Lifetime, But Really What You're Doing Is Occupying A Series Of Positions On A Landscape.

I'm Not A Fighter, I'm A Bleeder.

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