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We're Creating A Tv Show Of Scrooge, Starring Jamie Farr, With Buddy Hackett As Scrooge. We're Shooting In This Victorian Set For Weeks, And Hackett Is Pissed All The Time, Angry That He's Not The Center Of Attention, And Finally We Get To The Scene Where We've Gotta Shoot Him At The Window, Saying, "go Get My Boots," Or Whatever. The Set Is Stocked With Victorian Extras And Little Children In Oliver Kind Of Outfits, And The Director Says, "all Right, Bud - Just Give It Whatever You Want." And Hackett Goes Off On A Rant. Unbelievably Obscene.

-Bill Murray

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We're Creating A Tv

Bill Murray

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We're Creating A Tv Show Of Scrooge, Starring Jamie Farr, With Buddy Hackett As Scrooge. We're Shooting In This Victorian Set For Weeks, And Hackett Is Pissed All The Time, Angry That He's Not The Center Of Attention, And Finally We Get To The Scene Where We've Gotta Shoot Him At The Window, Saying, "go Get My Boots," Or Whatever. The Set Is Stocked With Victorian Extras And Little Children In Oliver Kind Of Outfits, And The Director Says, "all Right, Bud - Just Give It Whatever You Want." And Hackett Goes Off On A Rant. Unbelievably Obscene.

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You Can Handle Just About Anything That Comes At You Out On The Road With A Believable Grin, Common Sense And Whiskey.

I Think The Only Reason I've Had The Career Life That I've Had Is That Someone Told Me Some Secrets Early On About Living. You Can Do The Very Best You Can When You're Very, Very Relaxed, No Matter What It Is Or What Your Job Is, The More Relaxed You Are The Better You Are. That's Sort Of Why I Got Into Acting. I Realized The More Fun I Had, The Better I Did It. And I Thought, That's A Job I Could Be Proud Of. It's Changed My Life Learning That, And It's Made Me Better At What I Do.

Whatever You Do, Always Give 100%. Unless You're Donating Blood.

There Aren't Many Downsides To Being Rich, Other Than Paying Taxes And Having Relatives Asking For Money. But Being Famous, That's A 24 Hour Job Right There.

Sometimes I Snore, Like When I Get Really Tired.

Don't Think About Your Errors Or Failures; Otherwise, You'll Never Do A Thing.

The Human Condition Means That We Can Zone Out And Forget What The Hell We're Doing.

Well It's Hard To Be Yourself, It's The Hardest Job There Is.

I Wanted To Be A Doctor Once Upon A Time, But It Turns Out You've Got To Study, And That Wasn't Going To Happen. I Had No Idea What I Was Going To Do. I Had Trouble Holding Jobs Because They Want You To Be On Time. That Wasn't Going To Work.

The Critics. When They're Right, They're Right For The Wrong Reasons. And They're Usually Wrong.

I Realize It's Impossible To Have Any Sympathy, I Mean, True Sympathy, For People That Are Famous.

Mrs. O'hair Died Horribly, A Victim Of The World She Helped To Shape. Without The Deity She Fought So Hard Against, There Is No Right And Wrong, Increasingly People Are Ruled By Their Passions And Humanity Is A Tragedy Waiting To Happen.

Afghanistan Is Just One Of Those Countries That No Group Can Conquer. It's So Challenging To Live, And The People Are So Close Among Their Own Tribes, Their Own Groups, That You Can't Rule Them All, You Can't Get An Accord From All Of Them.

When You Act Obnoxious Towards People, Like On A Movie Set, They Say "we're Ready For You" And I Say "oh, Go To Hell, My Feet Hurt And My Head Aches." You Want To Have A Margarita For Lunch, And People Like These Little Ads And Production Assistants Are Like, "well, He's Drinking Again."

I’ve Killed Myself So Many Times, I Don’t Even Exist Anymore.

The Cool Part About Naming Your Kid Is You Don’t Have To Add Six Numbers To Make Sure The Name Is Available.

I Realized The More Fun I Had, The More Relaxed I Was Working, The Better I Worked.

I Will Be In Orlando During The Atheist Convention To Do My Best To Counter The Assaults Upon Christ Of The Atheists. I Also Plan On Running A Large Newspaper Ad In The Orlando Sentinel Addressed To The Atheists And Warning The Orlando Area Of The Atheists' Vile Plans For Their Children.

I Don't Know What My Fans Are Going To Think. It's Definitely Not What They're Used To From Me.

Drinking Again? Go To Hell. All I Ever Do Is Make Some Movies That Made A Lot Of Money Now Leave Me Alone, I Want To Have Some Fun.

The Government Can Destroy Wealth But It Cannot Create Wealth, Which Is The Product Of Labor And Management Working With Creation.

Now, The Essence, The Very Spirit Of Christmas Is That We First Make Believe A Thing Is So, And Lo, It Presently Turns Out To Be So. - Stephen Leacockof Christmas Trees Around The House, So It Smells Good.

I Go Home And Stay There. I Wash And Scrub Up Each Day, And That's It. One Month I Actually Grew A Moustache, Just So I Could Say That I'd Done Something.

And I Don't Like To Work. I Only Like Working When I'm Working.

I Smell Varmint Poontang. And The Only Good Varmint Poontang Is Dead Varmint Poontang, I Think.

People Are Like Music, Some Speak The Truth And Others Are Just Noise.

Awards Are Meaningless To Me, And I Have Nothing But Disdain For Anyone Who Actively Campaigns To Get One.

When You See Grown Men Near To Tears Because They've Missed Hitting A Little White Ball Into A Hole From Three Feet, It Makes You Laugh.

I'd Sort Of Gone Through Some Sort Of Spiritual Change In The Late 70s Where I Sort Of Saw There Was Some Other Life To Live. It Changed The Way That I Worked Just Having A Different Presence And A Different Tension.

But I Can Only Take So Much Tv, Because There Is So Much Advice. I Find People Will Preach About Virtually Anything - Your Diet, How To Live Your Life, How To Improve Your Golf. The Lot. I Have Always Had A Thing Against The Mister Know-it-alls.

The Atheists Traditionally Hold Their Conventions From Good Friday To Easter Sunday During The Hours Christ Spent In The Grave.

We're Creating A Tv Show Of Scrooge, Starring Jamie Farr, With Buddy Hackett As Scrooge. We're Shooting In This Victorian Set For Weeks, And Hackett Is Pissed All The Time, Angry That He's Not The Center Of Attention, And Finally We Get To The Scene Where We've Gotta Shoot Him At The Window, Saying, "go Get My Boots," Or Whatever. The Set Is Stocked With Victorian Extras And Little Children In Oliver Kind Of Outfits, And The Director Says, "all Right, Bud - Just Give It Whatever You Want." And Hackett Goes Off On A Rant. Unbelievably Obscene.

So Far, I've Only Sailed In The Caribbean. I've Sailed The Virgin Island And The Grenadines. I Liked All That. We Charted Some Really Crummy Boats In The Grenadines. That Made For An Exciting Sailing Trip (laughs) When Everything Goes Well. When Everything Goes Well. When Sails Rip, Engines Freeze Up And You Find There Are Organisms Growing Inside The Diesel, It's Terrible And Amazing Stuff.

I Lost My Phone And I Just Really Didn't Look For It. It Was The Nicest Feeling, Like Six Weeks. ... A Couple Of Times I Needed To Use A Telephone, And I Was Always Able To Touch Someone That Had A Telephone And Say, "hey, Can I Use Your Phone? May I Please?" And They'd Say, "sure." And That Was It! So It Was Ok, It Was A Real Vacation. I Took A Real Vacation From Myself.

I Would Jump Into The Middle Of The Street And Say, "excuse Me, There's A Mercedes That's Got To Get Through Here." And I Would Push People Out Of The Way, "get Out Of The Way! Let Him Through!" Smacking Their Cars And Stuff. Just Like, "whack" And You Just Jump Into It.

[my Brother] Lived In A Dry Gulch Where The World Of Socks And Shoes Became Extremely Fascinating, And He Felt That Everyone Needs A Good Pair Of Socks, And Why Not Limit His Gift Giving To Something That Everybody Needs? He Thought That There Was Something Humorous About It. So He Gives Socks.

I Try To Be Alert And Available. I Try To Be Available For Life To Happen To Me.

Parties Are Only Bad When A Fight Breaks Out, When Men Fight Over Women Or Vice Versa. Someone Takes A Fall, An Ambulance Comes, And The Police Arrive. If You Can Avoid Those Things, Pretty Much All Behaviour Is Acceptable.

While I Have Felt Lonely Many Times In My Life, The Oddest Feeling Of All Was After My Mother, Lucille, Died. My Father Had Already Died, But I Always Had Some Attachment To Our Big Family While She Was Alive. It Seems Strange To Say Now That I Felt So Lonely, Yet I Did.

I Think Midlife Crisis Is Just A Point Where People's Careers Have Reached Some Plateau And They Have To Reflect On Their Personal Relationships.

The Way Financing For Independent Movies Goes Is Great. You Get The Money From The Guy Who's Actually Doing The Distribution In France. You Say, "do You Want A Piece Of This Movie?" And He's Got To Sell This Movie To Get His Money Back. That's The Brains Of It; That's The Genius Of This Financing. "you Want Germany? Give Us A Million Dollars And You've Got Germany."

One Of The Things I Like About Acting Is That, In A Funny Way, I Come Back To Myself.

The More Relaxed You Are, The Better You Are At Everything: The Better You Are With Your Loved Ones, The Better You Are With Your Enemies, The Better You Are At Your Job, The Better You Are With Yourself.

I Went To Second City, Where You Learned To Make The Other Actor Look Good So You Looked Good And National Lampoon, Where You Had To Create Everything Out Of Nothing, And Snl, Where You Couldn't Make Any Mistakes, And You Learned What Collaboration Was.

You Work, You Get Paid, You Drink.

Half Of The People In This Room Are More Dressed Up Than On Any Other Day In The Year, And The Other Half Are More Dressed Down.

I've Retired A Couple Of Times. It's Great, Because You Can Just Say, 'oh, I'm Sorry. I'm Retired.'

You Have To Be As Light As You Can Be And Not Get Weighed Down And Stuck In Your Emotion, Stuck In Your Body, Stuck In Your Head. You Just Want To Always Be Trying To Elevate Somehow.

The Truth Is, Anybody That Becomes Famous Is An Ass For A Year And A Half. You've Got To Give Them A Year And A Half, Two Years. They Are Getting So Much Smoke Blown, And Their Whole World Gets So Turned Upside Down, Their Responses Become Distorted. I Give Everybody A Year Or Two To Pull It Together Because, When It First Happens, I Know How It Is.

If You Have A Good Script, That's What Gets You Involved. It's Harder To Write A Good Screenplay Than To Find Something.

We're Born Alone. We Do Need Each Other. It's Lonely To Really Effectively Live Your Life, And Anyone You Can Get Help From Or Give Help To; That's Part Of Your Obligation.

If People Really Want To Find You, They Find You.

Everyone Needs To Take A Vacation From The Sort Of Automatic Things You Do.

I Count On The Kindness Of Strangers.

If Google Doesn't Know The Answer, Then It's Not A Question

You Don't Have To Have All This Film Stock, You Can Work Faster, And You Don't Need A Giant Crew. It's Great.

Well, The Past Is Gone, I Know That. The Future Isn't Here Yet, Whatever It's Going To Be. So, All There Is, Is This. The Present. That's It.

You're Supposed To Have One Hand Up And One Hand Down. As You're Trying To Going Up, You're Trying To Pull Someone Up At The Same Time.

If You Have Someone That You Think Is The One, Don't Just Sort Of Think In Your Ordinary Mind, 'okay, Let's Pick A Date. Let's Plan This And Make A Party And Get Married.' Take That Person And Travel Around The World. Buy A Plane Ticket For The Two Of You To Travel All Around The World, And Go To Places That Are Hard To Go To And Hard To Get Out Of. And If When You Come Back To Jfk, When You Land In Jfk, And You're Still In Love With That Person, Get Married At The Airport.

Eh, It's Not That Attractive To Have A Plan. I Know That If I Ever Feel That I Need To Make A Funny Movie, I’ll Figure Out How To Write One. I’ll Get It Done. If I Ever Get Some Ambition, I’m Gonna Get Some Shit Done.

It's The Most Terrifying Day Of Your Life, The Day The First One Is Born. Your Life, As You Know It, Is Gone. Never To Return. But They Learn How To Walk, And They Learn How To Talk, And You Want To Be With Them. And They Turn Out To Be The Most Delightful People You'll Ever Meet In Your Life.

And When I Told My Sons I Might Be In City Of Ember, They Said, 'oh! You're Gonna Be The Mayor?' And I Hadn't Even Read The Script Yet.

All Parties Are Good.

Every Moment That You Share Someone Else's Pain, Feel What They Feel, Makes You More Human.

To People Who Want To Be Rich And Famous, I'd Say, "get Rich First And See If That Doesn't Cover It."

I'd Like [santa Claus] To Give Wes Anderson, The Director, Enough Money In His Next Budget For An Aerial Shot - Just A Little Copter Shot. He Really Wanted This One Helicopter Shot, And Disney Wouldn't Give Him The Money. Just Wouldn't Give Him The Money. Every Day, He Was Talking To The Studio About This Helicopter Shot.

Morocco Is The Greatest. I Should Be Getting Money From The Moroccans Because I'm Just Telling Everyone That It's A Wonderful Place To Go.

Now, For Some Of You It Doesn't Matter. You Were Born Rich And You're Going To Stay Rich. But Here's My Advice To The Rest Of You: Take Dead Aim On The Rich Boys. Get Them In The Crosshairs And Take Them Down. Just Remember, They Can Buy Anything But They Can't Buy Backbone. Don't Let Them Forget It. Thank You.

Those Are My People, You Know? The Ones Who Are Going To Crash And Burn.

You Have To Hope That [good Things] Happen To You. [...] That's The Only Thing We Really, Surely Have, Is Hope. You Hope That You Can Be Alive, That Things Will Happen To You That You'll Actually Witness, That You'll Participate In. Rather Than Life Just Rolling Over You, And You Wake Up And It's Thursday, And What Happened To Monday? Whatever The Best Part Of My Life Has Been, Has Been As A Result Of That Remembering.

'groundhog Day' Was One Of The Greatest Scripts Ever Written. It Didn't Even Get Nominated For An Academy Award.

Most People, When They Talk Fast, They Get Flat.

Harold Ramis And I Together Did The ‘national Lampoon Show’ Off Broadway, ‘meatballs,’ ‘stripes,’ ‘caddyshack,’ ‘ghostbusters’ And ‘groundhog Day.’ He Earned His Keep On This Planet. God Bless Him.

If You Walk Up To Some Random Person On The Street, Grab Them By The Shoulder, And Say 'did You Just See What I Saw?!', You'll Find That No-one Wants To Talk To You.

The Last Thing I Want Is To Be (in A Film Role) Is Obvious, Direct And Offensive.

People Say I'm Difficult And Sometimes That's A Badge Of Honour.

Movie Acting Suits Me Because I Only Need To Be Good For Ninety Seconds At A Time.

This Is Not A Dress Rehearsal; This Is Your Life.

I Don't Really Read The Reviews, But I Remember One A Long Time Ago I Read That Said That I Had A Face Like A Potato.

People Confuse Friendship And Relaxation. It's Incredibly Important To Be Relaxed - You Don't Have A Chance If You're Not Relaxed. So I Try Very Hard To Relax Any Kind Of Tension. But Friendship Is Different.

The More Relaxed You Are, The Better You Are At Everything.

When The Phone Started Ringing Too Many Times, I Had To Take It Back To What I Can Handle. I Take My Chances On A Job Or A Person As Opposed To A Situation. I Don't Like To Have A Situation Placed Over My Head.

I'm Just A Potato That Won't Quit. I'm A Potato With Some Legs. Some Have Eyes, I've Got Legs.

I'm Over The Oscar Thing. I Feel That If You Really Want An Oscar, You're In Trouble. It's Like Wanting To Be Married - You'll Take Anybody. If You Want The Oscar Really Badly, It Becomes A Naked Desire And Ambition. It Becomes Very Unattractive. I've Seen It.

Something Wild Can Happen To Anybody And I Caution Anybody That Walks Out On The Street, Just Settle Your Accounts Before You Leave The House Every Day.

I Don't Feel Like It's Pressure. It's More Of An Obligation - Not To Entertain Or Be Funny, But To Have A Certain Levity. I Mean, There's Got To Be A Lightness In Your Leg. You Have To Be As Light As You Can Be, And You Don't Have To Be Weighted Down, Stuck In Your Emotions And Stuck In Your Body, Stuck In Your Head. You Just Want To Try And Elevate Something.

I Don't Know How This Guy Knew How Much Money I Was Making. I Didn't Know How Much Money I Was Making.

You Want My Dark Side? Have I Ever Stolen Anything? Not So Much Intentionally. But I Don't Think It's So Much Stealing As... Being A Part Of The Flow Of The Universe. You Know, Where There's An Exchange. It's Positive. It's Negative. There's An Exchange Of Goods And Services.

I Think Romance Basically Starts With Respect. And New Romance Always Starts With Respect. Like The Song 'love The One You're With'; There Is Something To That. It's Not Just Make Love To Whomever You're With, It's Just Love Whomever You're With.

All Of Us Kids Ended Up 'doing Mom.' There Are Four Of Us Who've Tried Show Business. Five If You Insist On Counting My Sister The Nun, Who Does Liturgical Dance.

I Think There's Only So Many People That Can Take Care Of Themselves, And Can Take Care Of Other People. And The Rest Of The People … They're Useful In Terms Of Compost For The Whole Planet, You Know.

Zombies Dont Mess With Other Zombies.

You Can't Think About What You're Going To Do. It Just Gets In The Way. You Have To Be Just Available For Life, Otherwise You're Not Bringing Anything To The Party. So I Don't Lie Awake Thinking About What I'm Going To Do Workwise. There's Just Too Much Going On.

Just The Very Thought Of Someone My Age Going To Visit Old Girlfriends Had Instant Appeal.even Women Think, 'that Would Be Interesting.' Not Comfortable, But Interesting. It Is Not A Comfortable Film At Any Point.

Its Christmas Eve! Its The One Night Of The Year When We All Act A Little Nicer, We Smile A Little Easier, We Cheer A Little More. For A Couple Of Hours Out Of The Whole Year, We Are The People That We Always Hoped We Would Be.

There Are A Lot Of Actors That Are More Talented Than Me At Second City Who Quit It Before They Even Got To A Paying Status. Weird Luck. I Had No Other Option.

We're Americans! Do You Know What That Means? It Means Our Forefathers Were Kicked Out Of Every Decent Country In The World.

In Japan, You Have No Idea What They Are Saying, And They Can't Help You Either. Nothing Makes Any Sense. They're Very Polite, But You Feel Like A Joke Is Being Played On You The Entire Time You're There.

I've Never Made Any Horrible, Horrible Movies. If You Don't Ruin Your Reputation, You Can Always Get Work.

When You Did The Job, You Thought You Were Just Trying To Amuse Your Friends Who Are All On The Job. I'm Just Trying To Make The Sound Guy Laugh, The Script Supervisor. A Movie Like Caddyshack, I Can Walk On A Golf Course And Some Guy Will Be Screaming Entire Scenes At Me And Expecting Me To Do It Word For Word With Him. It's Like, 'fella, I Did That Once. I Improvised That Scene. I Don't Remember How It Goes'. But I'm Charmed By It. I'm Not Like, 'hey, Knock It Off'. It's Kind Of Cool.

Golf Was My First Glimpse Of Comedy. I Was A Caddy When I Was A Kid. I Was On The Golf Course Rather Than Being In Lessons, But I Can Play Better Now Than I Could Then.

I Was In The Virgin Islands Once. I Met A Girl. We Ate Lobster, Drank Piña Coladas. At Sunset, We Made Love Like Sea Otters. That Was A Pretty Good Day. Why Couldn't I Get That Day Over And Over And Over?

It’s Fun To Watch Someone Like John Goodman, And Yet It Takes Work. People Say ‘he’s Not Acting, He’s Being Himself.’ Well It’s Hard To Be Yourself, It’s The Hardest Job There Is.

I Kinda Like This Jay-z Thing, Where He’s Retired, But He Keeps Doing Shows. I Think I Beat Him To That. If You Say You’re Retired, People Don’t Bother You So Much, And Then If You Want To Do Something, You Can Do It.

Yeah, I Think That's Sort Of The American Way. And It's Also The Polish Way, It Turns Out.

It's Much Harder To Play Beloved Than To Play A Rotten Guy. Rotten Guy Is A Piece Of Cake. So Playing A Beloved Person Really Sets A High Bar For Your Behavior And Your Acting And What You Project.

Buddy Hackett [was] Talking - This Is Hackett, Not Me - About The Virgin Mary, A Limerick Sort Of Thing, And All These Children And Families ... The Look Of Absolute Horror. He's Going On And On And On, And Finally He Stops. It's Just Total Horror, And The Camera's Still Rolling. You Can Hear It, Sort Of A Grinding Noise. And The Director Says, "anything Else, Bud?"

When I Was A Little Kid Playing Baseball, My Manager Called Me Sleepy. And Only A Few People, Who Know Me From Way, Way Back, Call Me That Still. I Used To Drift Off And That's Why They Made Me The Catcher, So I Wouldn't Fall Asleep. That Gift I Have Still.

Like: 'don't Walk Out There With One Hand In Your Pocket Unless There's Somethin' In There You're Going To Bring Out.' You Gotta Commit. You've Gotta Go Out There And Improvise And You've Gotta Be Completely Unafraid To Die. You've Got To Be Able To Take A Chance To Die. And You Have To Die Lots. You Have To Die All The Time.

No One Really Wants To Admit They Are Lonely, And It Is Never Really Addressed Very Much Between Friends And Family. But I Have Felt Lonely Many Times In My Life.

Family And Friends

I Think If You Can Take Care Of Yourself, And Then Maybe Try To Take Care Of Someone Else, That's Sort Of How You're Supposed To Live.

You Know The Theory Of Cell Irritability? If You Take An Amoeba Cell And Poke It A Thousand Times, It Will Change And Then Re-form Into Its Original Shape. And Then, The Thousandth Time You Poke This Amoeba, The Cell Will Completely Collapse And Become Nothing. That's Kind Of What It's Like Being Famous. People Say Hi, How Are You Doing, And After The Thousandth Time, You Just Get Angry; You Really Pop.

When I Work, My First Relationship With People Is Professional. There Are People Who Want To Be Your Friend Right Away. I Say, "we're Not Gonna Be Friends Until We Get This Done. If We Don't Get This Done, We're Never Going To Be Friends, Because If We Don't Get The Job Done, Then The One Thing We Did Together That We Had To Do Together We Failed."

There Are People Who Drove Me Crazy, But They Got The Job Done. And When I See That Person Again, I Nod My Head. Respect.

You’ll Never Be Good If You Don’t Know That You Are.

My Iphone Has 2 Million Times The Storage Of The 1969 Apollo 11 Computer. They Went To The Moon. I Throw Birds At Pig Houses

Totie Fields Is One Of My Benchmarks For A Lot Of Things. There Was A Standard Of Show Business.

Just Beat My Record For Most Consecutive Days Without Dying.

I Have A Brother Who Gives Socks For Christmas. He Gives Socks. Every Year, I Get A Pair Of Socks From Him.

The Automatic Things You Do Are Basically Those Things That Keep You From Doing The Better Things You Need To Do.

When I Feel Like I'm Stuck, I Do Something - Not Like I'm Mother Teresa Or Anything, But There's Someone That's Forgotten About In Your Life, All The Time. Someone That Could Use An 'attaboy' Or A 'how You Doin' Out There.

I Act Like A Jerk Sometimes.

Religion Is The Worst Enemy Of Mankind. No Single War In The History Of Humanity Has Killed As Many People As Religion Has.

The Secret Is To Have A Sense Of Yourself, Your Real Self, Your Unique Self. And Not Just Once In A While, Or Once A Day, But All Through The Day, The Week And Life.

People Usually Go Through A Bad Period When They First Get Successful. You're New And You're Hot And Things Go Wrong.

Different Vodkas Have Different Effects. Some Make You Feel A Little... Poly-lingual. Some Make You Feel Like You Want To Talk Back To Someone Who's Giving You A Hard Time. Some Make You Feel Like Lifting Kettle Bells.

Here's The Thing, You Just Have To Drive A Lot Faster, And If You Don't Get There, We're Both Fired.

Chicago Actors Are Hard-nosed. They're Tough On Themselves And Their Fellow Actors. They're Self-demanding.

Whenever I Think Of The High Salaries We Are Paid As Film Actors, I Think It Is For The Travel, The Time Away, And Any Trouble You Get Into Through Being Well Known. It's Not For The Acting, That's For Sure.

I Think We're All Sort Of Imprisoned By - Or At Least Bound To - The Choices We Make... You Want To Say No At The Right Time And You Want To Say Yes More Sparingly.

I'm Just An Obnoxious Guy Who Can Make It Appear Charming, That's What They Pay Me To Do.

I Didn't Get Into This Position By Being Like A Stiff Sitting On The Set In A Folding Chair. I Did It By Walking Around On The Streets And Stirring Things Up.

I've Got Kids And That's Important. It's Funny, You Think That There's An Expiration Date On Them And There Just Isn't.

If It Starts To Drag On Set, Or If You Feel Like It's Not A Fun Experience, People Get Down, The Energy Gets Down. You've Got To Keep The Energy Up.

It's Hard To Be An Artist. It's Hard To Be Anything. It's Hard To Be.

I Don't Want To Be That Guy Mumbling Into His Drink At A Bar.

Chicks Dig Me Because I Rarely Wear Underwear, And When I Do, It's Usually Something Unusual.

I'm A Nut, But Not Just A Nut.

We Still Have To Put Some Cherry Syrup On It, And Then We Can Eat It

I'm Not An Alcoholic, I Only Drink Two Times A Year. When It's My Birthday, And When It's Not My Birthday.

When I Started, The Scripts Weren't As Good, And You'd Have To Have A Huge Burst Of Energy To Go, "sheesh, How Am I Going To? This Stuff's No Good." So You'd Have To Improvise Something Or Create Something Or Try To Work With The Ware And Try To Figure Out, How Do You Make This Visually And Orally Acceptable, Entertaining? Nowadays, The Scripts Are Just So Much Better, That You Don't Have To Feel That Way. You Feel Like The Script's Coming To You, You Can Just Relax. You Don't Have To Drive The Boat.

I Met A Woman Who Photographed Celebrity Dogs For A Book, And She Told Me That Ralph Lauren's Dog Is Named Rugby. I Said, Yeah, But His Real Name Is Stickball.

I Don't Have To Take This Abuse From You -- I Have Hundreds Of People Waiting In Line To Abuse Me!

Waiting In Line

There's Definitely A Lot Of Trash That Comes With The Prize Of Being Famous. It's A Nice Gift, But There's A Lot Of Wrapping And Paper And Junk To Cut Through. Back Then, When A Movie Came Out And People Saw You On The Street, Their Reaction Was So Supercharged That It Was Scary. It Would Frighten Other People. It Used To Really Rattle Me. I Mean, Everybody Would Love To Have Their Clothes Torn Off By A Mob Of Girls, But Being Screamed At Is Different.

It's A Lot Of Work To Read A Crummy Script.

Melancholy Is Kind Of Sweet Sometimes, I Think. It's Not A Negative Thing. It's Not A Mean Thing. It's Just Something That Happens In Life, Like Autumn.

My First Movie, I Got Nominated For A Canadian Oscar-for Meatballs. For Meatballs. And Who Am I Up Against? George C. Scott. So He Wins The Award And I Stand Up And Go, 'that's It-let's Get The Hell Outta Here.'

People Only Talk About What A Joyous Experience It Is, But There Is Terror: Your Life, As You Know It, Is Over. It's Over The Day That Child Is Born. It's Over, And Something Completely New Starts.

Be Available For Life To Happen.

Human Sacrifice! Dogs And Cats Living Together! Mass Hysteria!

I Feel Like I'm A Better Person When I'm Quieter.

You Can Tell How Boring A Person Is By The Lack Of Fear In Their Eyes When Someone Is Flipping Through Photos On Their Phone.

I Try To Be Available For Life To Happen To Me. We're In This Life, And If You're Not Available, The Sort Of Ordinary Time Goes Past And You Didn’t Live It. But If You're Available, Life Gets Huge. You're Really Living It.

You Cannot Pray Them Out Of Hell.

Every Pizza Is A Personal Pizza If You Try Hard And Believe In Yourself.

Why Would You Get Up There And Bore People? I Never Have Figured That Out. These People Are Supposedly In The Entertainment Industry, And They Finally Get Up There To That Podium And They Become The Most Boring People In The World.

My Back Hurts. My Legs Ache. I'm Only Four!

My Favorite Thing About New York Is The People, Because I Think They’re Misunderstood. I Don’t Think People Realize How Kind New York People Are.

That's The Reason I'm Not The One That's Dead Because The Attraction Of The Fast Life Is Very Powerful.

Grab This Day By The Neck And Kiss It.

The Only Good Thing About Fame That I've Gotten Is I've Gotten Out Of A Couple Of Speeding Tickets. I've Gotten Into A Restaurant When I Didn't Have A Suit And Tie On. That's Really About It.

I Improvise Whenever I Feel It's Important, Or Whenever I Think That Something's There. It's Nice To Have A Script That's So Well-written That I Don't Have To Improvise. I Mean, I Used To Have To Re-write Whole Movies; This Is Kind Of Nice.

Love Can Be Seeing That Here We Are And There's This World Here.

Alcohol Is Really Just The Liquid Version Of Photoshop.

I Know How To Be Sour. I Know That Taste.

I Was At The New York Film Critics Circle Awards One Year - They Called Me Up When Somebody Canceled Two Days Before The Thing, And Asked Me To Present Some Awards. So I Went, And One Of The Funniest Film Moments I've Ever Had Was When They Introduced The New York Film Critics. They All Stood Up - Motley Isn't The Word For That Group. Everybody Had Some Sort Of Vision Problem, Some Sort Of Damage - I Had To Bury Myself In My Napkin.

And I Say, 'hey, Lama, Hey, How About A Little Something, You Know, For The Effort, You Know.' And He Says, 'oh, Uh, There Won't Be Any Money. But When You Die, On Your Deathbed, You Will Receive Total Consciousness.' So I Got That Goin' For Me, Which Is Nice.

I Always Want To Say To People Who Want To Be Rich And Famous: 'try Being Rich First'. See If That Doesn't Cover Most Of It. There's Not Much Downside To Being Rich, Other Than Paying Taxes And Having Your Relatives Ask You For Money. But When You Become Famous, You End Up With A 24-hour Job.

I Love The Financing. It's Fun To Do Studio Movies, Too. I Think You Should Do Both. You Don't Want To Be This, "he's An Independent Film Guy." It Sounds Like, "he Makes His Own Dresses."

I've Been Lucky, I've Had Movies That Made A Lot Of Money, So I Don't Feel Like I Have To Kill Every Time Out. I Don't Want That Pressure. I Don't Need It.

You Know...they Say An Elephant Never Forgets. What They Don't Tell You Is, You Never Forget An Elephant.

The Studios Don't Seem To Foster Good Writing. They're Not So Interested In That, But They're More Interested In What Worked Most Recently. They're Definitely Very Serious About Making Money, And That's Not A Wrong Thing, But You Don't Have To Make Money The Same Way All The Time.

The First Year I Had Money, I Really Went Shopping. I Got Really Caught Up In It. I Bought All My Brothers Sets Of Luggage, And I Bought 'em Winter Coats From Giorgio Armani - Winter Coats. And I Got A Pair Of Socks From This Brother.

Disneyland. The World's Biggest People Trap, Built By A Mouse.

I Knew That's Where I Was Going. I Knew We Were Going To Italy. You Couldn't Make This Movie In America At This Price. I Knew It Was Going To Be Big. I Knew There Was Going To Be A Ship Involved And That There Was Going To Be A Set As Big As The Ship. I Thought, Well, Here We Go. But I Knew That Was Where He Was Headed. He Had Been Going This Way For Some Time. All Directors, Once They Have Some Success, They Want To Spend A Whole Heck Of A Lot Of Money. (something Else Can't Hear.)

The Money Thing Is, The Sort Of Elvis Presley Thing Of Buying You Mother Car Is Great, That's Very Good. My Mother Has Learned How To Spend Money.

I'm Not An Ungenerous Person; I Don't Resent It. It's Just Sort Of A Head-scratcher.

The Only Way We’ll Ever Know What It’s Like To Be You Is If You Work Your Best At Being You As Often As You Can, And Keep Reminding Yourself: That’s Where Home Is.

Reminding Yourself

The Army Needs Leaders The Way A Foot Needs A Big Toe.

I Really Don't Know What's Going To Come Out Of My Mouth.

Common Sense Is Like Deodorant. The People Who Need It Most Never Use It.

I Think That The Online World Has Actually Brought Books Back. People Are Reading Because They're Reading The Damn Screen. That's More Reading Than People Used To Do.

Life Is A Game, And It's Much More Fun If You Play It As Your Own Game, So Stay Light And Loose And Relaxed.

You Know How Funerals Are Not For The Dead, They’re For The Living? Bachelor Parties Are Not For The Groom, They’re For The Uncommitted.

And Even If We Win, If We Win, Hah! Even If We Win! Even If We Play So Far Above Our Heads That Our Noses Bleed For A Week To Ten Days; Even If God In Heaven Above Comes Down And Points His Hand At Our Side Of The Field; Even If Every Man Woman And Child Held Hands Together And Prayed For Us To Win, It Just Wouldn't Matter Because All The Really Good Looking Girls Would Still Go Out With The Guys From Mohawk Because They've Got All The Money! It Just Doesn't Matter If We Win Or We Lose. It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter!

I Don't Want To Have A Relationship With Someone If I'm Not Going To Work With Them.

Friendship Is So Weird. You Just Pick A Human You've Met And You're Like, 'yep, I Like This One,' And You Just Do Stuff With Them.

Somewhere There's A Score Being Kept, So You Have An Obligation To Live Life As Well As You Can, Be As Engaged As You Can.

You Had To Keep The Mood Up; You Had To Keep The Tempo Up. You Had To Keep The Feeling Of, "hey, We're Doing Something That's Really Exciting. It's Fun Being With These People." And The More Fun You Have, The Better You Do It.

I Don't Believe That You Can Give The Same Performance Every Take. It's Physically Impossible, So Why Bother? If You Don't Do What Is Happening At That Moment, Then It's Not Real. Then You're Holding Something Back.

If I Run Into Someone On The Street, That's One Thing. But Answering Mail For A Living? I Like A Job Where You Can Play And Act Kind Of Goofy And Have Some Fun.

I Think All Phases Of One's Career Are Serious If You Take It Seriously No Matter If You Are Doing High Profile Dramatic Pieces Or Not.

There's Only A Couple Times When Fame Is Ever Helpful. Sometimes You Can Get Into A Restaurant Where The Kitchen Is Just Closing. Sometimes You Can Avoid A Traffic Violation. But The Only Time It Really Matters Is In The Emergency Room With Your Kids. That's When You Want To Be Noticed, Because It's Very Easy To Get Forgotten In An Er.

I Don't Answer Fan Mail. I Don't Have Time For That. It's Like Hundreds Of Thousands Of People Who Think They're Going To Become Millionaires Getting Autographs From Movie Actors. I Don't Have Time For Those Idiots. I've Got Stuff To Do.

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Aleksandar Hemon

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