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There's Something That Happens In That Delivery Room, When A Woman Becomes Ten Times More A Woman, And A Guy Becomes Six Times Less A Man. You Feel Really Dopey And Useless And Like A Spectator. I Did, Anyway.

-Paul Reiser

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There's Something That Happens

Paul Reiser

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There's Something That Happens In That Delivery Room, When A Woman Becomes Ten Times More A Woman, And A Guy Becomes Six Times Less A Man. You Feel Really Dopey And Useless And Like A Spectator. I Did, Anyway.

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When You Get Busy, The Priorities Change. In Your Twenties, You Hang Out With Who You Were In School With. Then You Grow Up And You Hang Out With The People You're Playing Ball With, Things You Like Doing With. When You Get Married, It Changes A Bit And You Lose Some Friends, Or You Gain Other Friends. You Gain Couple-y Friends. It Changes Again When You Have Children, And Then When Your Children Are The Focus Of Your Life.

The First Time I Tried To Put A New Diaper On My Baby, I Yanked The Little Velcro Strap Too Jerkily And Actually Punched The Little Guy In The Jaw. A Real Solid Shot, Too. I Knew Instinctively That This Could Not Be Correct. Unless You're Specifically Trying To Raise A Welterweight, Continual Deliverance Of Powerful Uppercuts Is Not Advised When Handling Newborns.

Parents Often Give Middle Names Just So That Later, When They're Yelling At The Kid, They Can Drag It Out. Henry David Thoreau, You Come In Here This Instant!

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Three Has Always Been Tougher Than Two. Think Of Any Of Your Famous Threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look At The Anger There. My Bet Is That Before Curly Was Born, Moe And Larry Could Play Together For Hours Without Even A Single Poke In The Eye. Huey, Dewey, And Louie? Donald Duck Never Had A Moment's Peace. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly? I Rest My Case.

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I've Come To Realize That Making It Your Life's Work To Be Different Than Your Parents Is Not Only Hard To Do, It's A Dumb Idea. Not Everything We Found Fault With Was Necessarily Wrong; We Were Right, For Example, To Resent, As Kids, Being Told When To Go To Bed. We'd Be Equally Wrong, As Parents, To Let Our Kids Stay Up All Night. To Throw Out All The Tools Of Parenting Just Because Our Parents Used Them Would Be Like Making Yourself Speak English Without Using Ten Letters Of The Alphabet; It's Hard To Do.

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Exclamation Points

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By Shrewdly Linking Procreation To An Act Likely To Make You Stupid With Excitement, God Has Seen To It That Life Does Indeed Go On. It's Possible, By The Way, That This Is Why God's Name Comes Up So Often In The Middle Of The Act; It's A Salute To The Author: Hey, Whoever Made This Up - Thanks.

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Congratulations

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Pyramid Schemes

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In Some Cultures They Don't Name Their Babies Right Away. They Wait Until They See How The Child Develops. Like In Dances With Wolves. Unfortunately, Our Kids' Names Would Be Less Romantic And Poetic. "this Is My Oldest Boy, Falls Off His Tricycle, His Friend, Dribbles His Juice, And My Beautiful Daughter, Allergic To Nuts.

Just Because A Baby Cries, I Discovered, Doesn't Mean There's Always Something Wrong. Sometimes Babies Wake Up For No Real Reason. They Just Want To Check If They're Doing It Right. "this Is Sleeping, Right?" "exactly." "i Just Lie Here?" "that's Right." "okay." Then Back To Sleep They Go.

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