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There Is A Sort Of Charm In Ugliness, If The Person Has Some Redeeming Qualities And Is Only Ugly Enough.

-Josh Billings

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There Is A Sort

Josh Billings

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There Is A Sort Of Charm In Ugliness, If The Person Has Some Redeeming Qualities And Is Only Ugly Enough.

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Men Are Seldom Underrated; The Mercury In A Man Finds Its True Level In The Eyes Of The World Just As Certainly As It Does In The Glass Of A Thermometer.

The Unfortunate Do Not Pity The Unfortunate.

The Dog That Will Follow Everbody Ain't Worth A Curse.

There Is A Significant Latin Proverb; To Wit: Who Will Guard The Guards?

I Think When The Full Horror Of Being Fifty Hits You, You Should Stay Home And Have A Good Cry.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess.

There Is A Sort Of Charm In Ugliness, If The Person Has Some Redeeming Qualities And Is Only Ugly Enough.

Don't Mistake Pleasure For Happiness. They Are A Different Breed Of Dogs.

Everyone Who Does The Best He Can Is A Hero.

Early Genius, Like Early Cabbage, Does Not Head Well.

Perseverance Is King.

Common Sense Is Instinct, And Enough Of It Is Genius.

I Hold That A Man Has As Much Right To Spell A Word As It Is Pronounced As He Has To Pronounce It The Way It Ain't Spelled.

I Never Question A Success, Any More Than I Do The Right Of A Bulldog To Lie In His Own Gateway.

As Long As We Are Lucky We Attribute It To Our Smartness; Our Bad Luck We Give The Gods Credit For.

True Wisdom Is Plenty Of Experience, Observation, And Reflection. False Wisdom Is Plenty Of Ignorance, Arrogance, And Impudence.

If A Man Is Right, He Can't Be Too Radical; If He Is Wrong, He Can't Be Too Conservative.

If Animals Had Reason, They Would Act Just As Ridiculous As We Menfolks Do.

And Now The Lads And Lasses, Following The Example Of The Birds, Bill And Coo Together.

It's A Wise Man Who Profits By His Own Experience, But It's A Good Deal Wiser One Who Lets The Rattlesnake Bite The Other Fellow.

I've Never Known An Auctioneer To Lie Unless It Was Absolutely Necessary.

Men Who Have Much To Say Use The Fewest Words.

People Travel To Learn; Most Of Them Before They Start Should Learn To Travel.

There Is Only One Good Substitute For The Endearments Of A Sister, And That Is The Endearments Of Some Other Fellow's Sister.

You Can Reach Stupidity Only With A Cannon Ball.

Life Consists Not In Holding Good Cards But In Playing Those You Hold Well.

Peace Is The Soft And Holy Shadow That Virtue Casts.

Habits Are Like The Wrinkles On A Man's Brow; If You Will Smooth Out The One, I Will Smooth Out The Other.

Menny Think Tha Luv Their Husbands Almost Tew Deth, When In Fack, Tha Are Only Jealous Ov Them.

One Of The Greatest Victories You Can Gain Over Someone Is To Beat Him At Politeness.

Greatest Victory

People Who Have Nothing To Say Are Never At A Loss In Talking.

Adversity Has The Same Effect On A Man That Severe Training Has On The Pugilist: It Reduces Him To His Fighting Weight.

Fortune Is Like A Coquette; If You Don't Run After Her, She Will Run After You.

Ignorance Ain't Not Knowin' Stuff; Ignorance Is Knowin' Stuff That Ain't True.

Reason Often Makes Mistakes, But Conscience Never Does.

Society Is Composed Of Slow Christians And Wide-awake Sinners.

Knowledge Is Like Money, The More A Man Gits The More He Hankers For.

Newfoundland Dogs Are Good To Save Children From Drowning, But You Must Have A Pond Of Water Handy And A Child, Or Else There Will Be No Profit In Boarding A Newfoundland.

The More Humble A Man Is Before God The More He Will Be Exalted; The More Humble He Is Before Man, The More He Will Get Rode Roughshod.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Arguments To Refute.

The Best Creed We Can Have Is Charity Toward The Creeds Of Others.

Take All The Fools Out Of This World And There Wouldn't Be Any Fun Living In It, Or Profit.

Tears Are A Good Alterative, But A Poor Diet.

To Bring Up A Child In The Way He Should Go, Travel That Way Yourself Once In A While.

Health Is Like Money, We Never Have A True Idea Of Its Value Until We Lose It.

It Is Easier To Be Virtuous Than It Is To Appear So, And It Pays Better.

Love Is Like The Measles; We Can't Have It Bad But Once, And The Later In Life We Have It The Tougher It Goes With Us.

Too Many Individuals Are Like Shakespeare's Definition Of "echo,"--babbling Gossips Of The Air.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

Suicide Is Cheating The Doctor Out Of Job.

Men Of Genius Are Like Eagles, They Live On What They Kill, While Men Of Talents Are Like Crows, They Live On What Has Been Killed For Them.

Waves Are Inspiring Not Because They Rise And Fail, But Because Each Time They Fall. They Never Fail To Rise Again.

If Men Were Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Were Right, Stubbornness Would Take Her Seat Among The Virtues; But Men Are Generally Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Are Ignorant And Wrong.

One Of The Rarest Things That A Man Ever Does, Is To Do The Best He Can.

In The Whole History Of The World There Is But One Thing That Money Cannot Buy...to Wit--the Wag Of A Dog's Tail.

Pity Costs Nothing, And It Ain't Worth Nothing.

I Never Knew A Man Troubled With Melancholy, Who Had Plenty To Do, And Did It.

It Is A Statistical Fact That The Wicked Work Harder To Reach Hell Than The Righteous Do To Enter Heaven

When A Man Gets Talking About Himself, He Seldom Fails To Be Eloquent And Often Reaches The Sublime.

Keep A Cow, And Then The Milk Won't Have To Be Watered But Once.

If A Man Should Happen To Reach Perfection In This World, He Would Have To Die Immediately To Enjoy Himself.

It's Not Only The Most Difficult Thing To Know One's Self, But The Most Inconvenient.

Never Work Before Breakfast; If You Have To Work Before Breakfast, Eat Your Breakfast First.

Contentment Is A Kind Of Moral Laziness; If There Wasn't Anything But Contentment In His World, Man Wouldn't Be Any More Of A Success Than An Angleworm Is

Don't Ever Prophesy; For If You Prophesy Wrong, Nobody Will Forget It; And If You Prophesy Right, Nobody Will Remember It.

Confess Your Sins To The Lord And You Will Be Forgiven; Confess Them To Man And You Will Be Laughed At.

It Iz Comparitively Eazy Tew Repent Ov The Sins That We Hav Committed, But Tew Repent Ov Thoze Which We Intend To Commit, Is Asking Tew Mutch Ov Enny Man, Now Days.

The Wheel That Squeaks The Loudest Is The One That Gets The Grease.

It Ain't So Much The Things We Don't Know That Get Us Into Trouble. It's The Things We Know That Just Ain't So.

The Devil Is The Father Of Lies, But He Neglected To Patent The Idea, And The Business Now Suffers From Competition.

There's A Lot Of People In This World Who Spend So Much Time Watching Their Health That They Haven't The Time To Enjoy It.

It Ain't What A Man Don't Know That Makes Him A Fool, But What He Does Know That Ain't So.

Beauty Is A Very Handy Thing To Have, Especially For A Woman Who Ain't Handsome.

Anxiety Will Bear A Lot Of Nuisance.

Common Sense Is The Knack Of Seeing Things As They Are, And Doing Things As They Ought To Be Done.

Biography Is The Best Form Of History.

The Truly Innocent Are Those Who Not Only Are Guiltless Themselves But Who Think Others Are.

There Are People Who Are Always Anticipating Trouble, And In This Way They Manage To Enjoy Many Sorrows That Never Really Happen To Them.

Satire That Is Seasonable And Just Is Often More Effectual Than Law Or Gospel.

To Enjoy A Good Reputation, Give Publicly, And Steal Privately.

Unless We Put Heart And Soul Into Our Labor We But Brutify Our Actions.

Poverty Is The Step-mother Of Genius.

It's Not What We Don't Know That Prevents Us From Succeeding; It's What We Know That Just Ain't So That Is Our Greatest Obstacle.

Pyrotechnically Considered, [laughing] Is The Fire-works Of The Soul.

Old Maids Sweeten Their Tea With Scandal.

The Man Who Gets Bit Twice By The Same Dog Is Better Adapted For That Kind Of Business Than Any Other.

Thrice Is He Armed That Hath His Quarrel Just, But Four Times He Who Gets His Blow In Fust

Young Widows Still Bide Their Time.

Despatch Is Taking Time By The Ears; Hurry Is Taking It By The End Of The Tail.

The Morning Paper Is Just As Necessary For An American As Dew Is To The Grass.

The Best Way To Convince A Fool That He Is Wrong Is To Let Him Have His Own Way.

Dr. Holmes Says, Both Wittily And Truly, That Crying Widows Are Easiest Consoled.

Advice Is Like Castor Oil — Easy Enough To Give But Dreadful Hard To Take.

Rivalry And Envy Are Siamese Twins.

Zoroaster Said, When In Doubt Abstain; But This Does Not Always Apply. At Cards, When In Doubt Take The Trick.

Fun Is A Sugar-coated Physic.

Words Are Often Seen Hunting For An Idea, But Ideas Are Never Seen Hunting For Words.

I Called My Cat William Because No Shorter Name Fits The Dignity Of His Character. Poor Old Man, He Has Fits Now, So I Call Him Fitz-william.

Most People When They Come To You For Advice, Come To Have Their Own Opinions Strengthened, Not Corrected.

It Is True That Wealth Won't Make A Man Virtuous, But I Notice There Ain't Anybody Who Wants To Be Poor Just For The Purpose Of Being Good.

It Is The Little Bits Of Things That Fret And Worry Us; We Can Dodge A Elephant, But We Can't Dodge A Fly.

It's Not So Hard To Get Rich As It Is To Know When You Have Gotten Rich.

The Best Condition In Life Is To Be Not So Rich As To Be Envied Nor So Poor As To Be Damned.

Remember The Poor, It Costs Nothing.

Silence Never Makes Any Blunders.

There Is No Passion Of The Human Heart That Promises So Much And Pays So Little As Revenge.

The Nearest We Can Come To) Perfect Happiness Is To Cheat Ourselves With The Belief That We Have Got It.

We Are Ap Tu Hate Them, Who Wont Take Our Advice, And Despise Them Who Do.

Experience Is A School Where A Man Learns What A Big Fool He Has Been.

There Are Very Few Good Judges Of Humor, And They Don't Agree.

Experience Makes More Timid Men Than It Does Wise Ones.

Life Is Short, But It's Long Enough To Ruin Any Man Who Wants To Be Ruined.

Every Man Has His Follies - And Often They Are The Most Interesting Thing He Has Got.

Show Me A Thoroughly Contented Person, And I Will Show You A Useless One.

I Have Lived In This World Just Long Enough To Look Carefully The Second Time Into Things That I Am Most Certain Of The First Time.

Laughter Is The Fireworks Of The Soul.

Taking From Others Never Results In Prosperity. If We Steal From Others, Life Will Steal From Us. There Is An Incredible Abundance On This Planet. True Prosperity Begins With Feeling Good About Yourself And About The Choices You Make. Life Is Here For Us. Life Is Here To Support Us In Every Way. We Give Out, We Get Back. Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

A Good Reliable Set Of Bowels Is Worth More To A Man Than Any Quantity Of Brains.

Silence Is Said To Be Golden, But The Best Fools The World Has Ever Produced Had Nothing To Say On The Subject

I Don't Care How Much A Man Talks, If He Only Says It In A Few Words.

I Never Had A Man Come To Me For Advice Yet, But What I Soon Discovered That He Thought More Of His Own Opinion Than He Did Of Mine.

The Time To Pray Is Not When We Are In A Tight Spot But Just As Soon As We Get Out Of It.

I Am A Poor Man, But I Have This Consolation: I Am Poor By Accident, Not By Design.

Money Will Buy A Pretty Good Dog, But It Won't Buy The Wag Of His Tail.

I Hate To Be A Kicker, I Always Long For Peace, But The Wheel That Does The Squeaking, Is The One That Gets The Grease.

Politeness Is Better Than Logic. You Can Often Persuade When You Cannot Convince.

There's A Great Power In Words, If You Don't Hitch Too Many Of Them Together.

Advice Is Like Kissing: It Costs Nothing And Is A Pleasant Thing To Do.

Pedigrees Seldom Improve By Age; The Grandson Is Too Often A Weak Infringement On The Grandsire's Parent.

It Strains A Man's Philosophy The Worst Kind To Laugh When He Gets Beat.

The Quickest Way To Take The Starch Out Of Someone Who Is Always Blaming Himself Is To Agree With Him.

If You Would Make Yourself Agreeable Wherever You Go, Listen To The Grievances Of Others But Never Relate Your Own.

We Should Make Virtue Our Master, Not Our Servant.

One Of The Best Temporary Cures For Pride And Affectation Is Seasickness; A Man Who Wants To Vomit Never Puts On Airs.

Lying Is Like Trying To Hide In A Fog: If You Move About You're In Danger Of Bumping Your Head Against The Truth, And As Soon As The Fog Blows Off, You Are Gone Anyhow.

Some Folks Are Wise And Some Otherwise.

Stupidity And Ignorance

Wise Men Have But Few Confidants, And Cunning Ones None.

Laughter Is The Sensation Of Feeling Good All Over And Showing It Principally In One Place.

Friendship Is Like Earthenware, Once Broken, It Can Be Mended; Love Is Like A Mirror, Once Broken That Ends It.

It Ain't Because Lovers Are So Sensitive That They Quarrel So Often; It Is Because There Is So Much Fun N The Making Up.

The Very Thing That Men Think They Have Got The Most Of, They Have Got The Least Of; And That Is Judgment.

Sekts And Creeds Ov Religion, Are Like Pocket Compesses, Good Enuff Tu Pinte Out The Direction, But The Nearer The Pole Yu Git Thewuss Tha Wurk.

The Road To Ruin Is Always In Good Repair, And The Travellers Pay The Expense Of It.

Time Is Like Money, The Less We Have Of It To Spare The Further We Make It Go.

There Are Only Two Qualities In The World: Efficiency And Inefficiency; And Only Two Sorts Of People: The Efficient And The Inefficient.

A Slander Is Like A Hornet; If You Cannot Kill It Dead At The First Blow, Better Not To Strike At It.

Man Was Created A Little Lower Than The Angels And Has Been Getting A Little Lower Ever Since.

Experience Increases Our Wisdom But Doesn't Reduce Our Follies.

Don't Put Off Till Tomorrow What Can Be Enjoyed Today.

Procrastination

It Is Better To Know Nothing Than To Know What Ain't So.

The Miser And The Glutton Are Two Facetious Buzzards: One Hides His Store, And The Other Stores His Hide.

Silence Is A Still Noise.

Plenty Of Folks Are So Contrary That If They Should Fall Into The River, They Would Insist Upon Floating Upstream.

The Happiest Time In Any Man's Life Is When He Is In Red-hot Pursuit Of A Dollar With A Reasonable Prospect Of Overtaking It.

It Is A Great Art To Be Superior To Others Without Letting Them Know It.

Be Like A Postage Stamp. Stick To One Thing Until You Get There.

There Is No Revenge So Complete As Forgiveness.

Clothes Form The Intellect Of The Dandy.

It Is Not All Bad, This Getting Old, Ripening. After The Fruit Has Got Its Growth It Should Juice Up And Mellow. God Forbid I Should Live Long Enough To Ferment And Rot And Fall To The Ground In A Squash.

If You Do Not Know How To Lie, Cheat, And Steal, Turn Your Attention To Politics And Learn.

Building Air Castles Is A Harmless Business As Long As You Don't Attempt To Live In Them.

The Soul Has More Diseases Than The Body.

A Learned Fool Is One Who Has Read Everything And Simply Remembered It.

Don't Have Any More Secrets Than You Can Keep Yourself.

Method Is The Arithmetic Of Success.

Genius Ain't Anything More Than Elegant Common Sense.

There Is No Limit To The Vanity Of This World. Each Spoke In The Wheel Thinks The Whole Strength Of The Wheel Depends Upon It.

There Is Gravity In Wisdom, But No Particular Wisdom In Gravity.

Where Religion Is A Trade, Morality Is A Merchandise.

Faith Is The Soul Riding At Anchor.

When Good-natured People Leave Us We Look Forward With Extra Pleasure To Their Return.

Dangers Are Sum Like A Kold Bath, Very Dangerous While You Stand Stripped On The Bank, But Often Not Only Harmless, But Invigorating, If You Pitch Into Them.

About The Only Difference Between The Poor And The Rich, Is This, The Poor Suffer Misery, While The Rich Have To Enjoy It.

Woman's Influence Is Powerful, Especially When She Wants Something.

Most Men Would Rather Be Charged With Malice Than With Making A Blunder.

A Man Cannot Learn To Be Wise Any More Than He Can Learn To Be Handsome.

Shame Is The Dying Embers Of Virtue.

The Thinner The Ice, The More Anxious Is Everyone To See Whether It Will Bear.

Hunting After Happiness Is Like Hunting After A Lost Sheep In The Wilderness--when You Find It, The Chances Are That It Is A Skeleton.

As A General Thing, When A Woman Wears The Pants In A Family, She Has A Good Right To Them.

Pride Seems Tew Be Quite Equally Distributed; The Man Who Owns The Carriage And The Man Who Drives It Seem Tew Have It Just Alike.

There Never Yet Was A Mother Who Taught Her Child To Be An Infidel.

Morally Considered, Laughter Is Next To The Ten Commandments.

Ten Commandments

The Easiest Thing For Our Friends To Discover In Us, And The Hardest Thing For Us To Discover In Ourselves, Is That We Are Growing Old.

Advice Can Be Like Cod Liver Oil, Easy Enough To Administer But Not So Pleasant To Take For Anybody.

When A Man Makes Up His Mind To Become A Rascal, He Should Examine Himself Closely And See If He Isn't Better Constructed For A Fool.

Opinions Should Be Formed With Great Caution, And Changed With Greater.

Occasions Are Rare; And Those, Who Know How To Seize Upon Them, Are Rarer.

Rare Opportunities

Wisdom Deprives Even Poverty Of Half Its Power.

If The World Despises A Hypocrite, What Must They Think Of Him In Heaven?

Nature Makes All The Noblemen; Wealth, Education, Or Pedigree Never Made One Yet.

Prejudice Assumes The Garb Of Reason, But The Cheat Is Too Thin.

Never Run Into Debt, Not If You Can Find Anything Else To Run Into.

Titles Are Valuable; They Make Us Acquainted With Many Persons Who Otherwise Would Be Lost Among The Rubbish.

When A Man Comes To Me For Advice, I Find Out The Kind Of Advice He Wants, And I Give It To Him.

Everybody In This World Wants Watching, But Nobody More Than Ourselves.

Liberty, Like Chastity, Once Lost, Can Never Be Regained In Its Original Purity.

Wisdom That Don't Make Us Happier Ain't Worth Plowing For.

Most People Repent Their Sins By Thanking God They Ain't So Wicked As Their Neighbors.

Debt Is A Trap Which Man Sets And Baits Himself, And Then Deliberately Gets Into.

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