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Spoon The Sauce Over The Ice Cream. It Will Harden. This Is What You Have Been Working For.

-Nicholson Baker

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Spoon The Sauce Over

Nicholson Baker

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Spoon The Sauce Over The Ice Cream. It Will Harden. This Is What You Have Been Working For.

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Haven't You Felt A Peculiar Sort Of Worry About The Chair In Your Living Room That No One Sits In?

So What Rhyming Poems Do Is They Take All These Nearby Sound Curves And Remind You That They First Existed That Way In Your Brain. Before They Meant Something Specific, They Had A Shape And A Way Of Being Said. And Now, Yes, Gloom And Broom Are Floating Fifty Miles Away From Each Other In You Mind Because They Refer To Different Notions, But They're Cheek-by-jowl As Far As Your Tongue Is Concerned. And That's What A Poem Does. Poems Match Sounds Up The Way You Matched Them When You Were A Tiny Kid, Using That Detachable Front Phoneme.

When The Excessively Shy Force Themselves To Be Forward, They Are Frequently Surprisingly Unsubtle And Overdirect And Even Rude: They Have Entered An Extreme Region Beyond Their Normal Personality, An Area Of Social Crime Where Gradations Don't Count; Unavailable To Them Are The Instincts And Taboos That Booming Extroverts, Who Know The Territory Of Self-advancement Far Better, Can Rely On.

Of Course, Individuals Are Responsible For Individual Actions - The Pilots Who Flew Over Pearl Harbor And Dropped Bombs On Those Ships Did A Terrible Thing As Part Of An Attack On A Military Base.

I Am Closer To The Pacifist Side, In That I Think That The British Response To German Aggression, Which Was To Try To Starve The Continent Into A State Of Revolt And To Terrorize German Civilians With Bombing Raids, Was Part Of The Total Catastrophe.

Perforation! Shout It Out! The Deliberate Punctuated Weakening Of Paper And Cardboard So That It Will Tear Along An Intended Path, Leaving A Row Of Fine-haired Pills Or Tuftlets On Each New Edge! It Is A Staggering Conception, Showing An Age-transforming Feel For The Unique Properties Of Pulped Wood Fiber.

The Force Of Truth That A Statement Imparts, Then, Its Prominence Among The Hordes Of Recorded Observations That I May Optionally Apply To My Own Life, Depends, In Addition To The Sense That It Is Argumentatively Defensible, On The Sense That Someone Like Me, And Someone I Like, Whose Voice Is Audible And Who Is At Least Notionally In The Same Room With Me, Does Or Can Possibly Hold It To Be Compellingly True.

Churchill Was A Brilliant And Inspiring Rhetorician, But One Of The First Things He Did As The Head Of The British Nation Was To Put German Jews In Jail. Tens Of Thousands Of Jews - Who Had Just Been Fortunate Enough To Get Out From Under Hitler Only A Few Years Before - Spent The Entire War In Jail.

Each Decision - To Kill, To Sign A Petition, To Write A Letter, To Make A Speech, To Attack, To Lie, To Surrender - Was Made At Some Point In Somebody's Day.

I Did Not Know That The Planning For Biological And Chemical Warfare Was So Widespread In England, And Even In France Before France Fell. It Was News To Me That There Had Been Talk, Even In The First World War, Of Dropping Colorado Beetles On German Potato Crops And That Kind Of Thing.

I'm Suspicious Of Full-replacement Programs - That Is, Pronouncements That One Way Of Doing Something Will Entirely Supplant Another, And That In Fact We Have To Hurry The Replacement Along.

You Almost Believe That You Will Never Come To The End Of A Roll Of Tape; And When You Do, There Is A Feeling, Nearly, Though Very Briefly, Of Shock And Grief.

I Wanted My First Novel To Be A Veritable Infarct Of Narrative Cloggers-the Trick Being To Feel Your Way Through Each Clog By Blowing It Up Until Its Obstructiveness Finally Reveals Not Blank Mass But Unlooked-for Seepage Points Of Passage.

I Wanted To Apprentice Myself To The Dailiness Of The War's Beginning Phase. It's Truer And More Frightening That Way - When You're Afloat On A Little Dingy In The Midst Of It All.

Gandhi Was Such An Important Figure To The Pacifists Of The '30s, And He Was Such An Extraordinary Embodiment Of Nonviolence, That I Thought It Was Necessary To Have Him In There. When He Would Say Something About The War, It Was To Some Extent News - And He Was Sure To Have A Response That Was Different From That Of Other World Leaders.

The Function Of A Great Library Is To Store Obscure Books.

I Prefer Reading E-books On A High Resolution Lcd Screen - Like The Ipod Touch's - Although The Pixel Density Could And Should Be Much Higher.

I’ve Always Thought Of Myself As Shy.

Some After-the-fact Storytelling Is Inevitable, And, In Fact, Very Good And Useful. But Then We Want Always To Be Able To Enrich The Stories, Or Maybe Change The Stories With A Fresh Infusion Of Specificity.

I Blush Easily. I Have Difficulty Meeting People's Eye, Difficulty With Public Speaking, The Normal Afflictions Of The Shy, But Not To A Paralysing Degree.

I Ordered A Kindle 2 From Amazon. How Could I Not? There Were Banner Ads For It All Over The Web. Whenever I Went To The Amazon Web Site, I Was Urged To Buy One.

Wikipedia Is Just An Incredible Thing. It Is Fact-encirclingly Huge, And It Is Idiosyncratic, Careful, Messy, Funny, Shocking And Full Of Simmering Controversies - And It Is Free, And It Is Fast.

I Hadn't Played Any Music Since Freshman Year Of College, More Than Thirty Years Ago, So I Had To Relearn Everything. I Started Writing Songs. Some Were Dance And Trance Songs (i Listen To Them A Lot While I'm Writing), And Some Were Love Songs, Because That After All Is What Music Is About - Dancing And Trancing And Love And Love's Setbacks.

When I First Wanted To Be A Writer, I Learned To Write Prose By Reading Poetry.

Sometimes I'll Spend An Hour Writing A Tiny Email. I Work On It Until I've Created The Illusion That I've Dashed It Off In Three Minutes. If I Make A Typo, I Let It Stand. Sometimes In Fact I Correct The Typo Without Thinking, And Then I Back Up And Retype The Typo So That It'll Look More Casual. I Don't Know Why.

Shoes Are The First Adult Machines We Are Given To Master.

Friends, Both The Imaginary Ones You Build For Yourself Out Of Phrases Taken From A Living Writer, Or Real Ones From College, And Relatives, Despite All The Waste Of Ceremony And Fakery And The Fact That Out Of An Hour Of Conversation You May Have Only Five Minutes In Which The Old Entente Reappears, Are The Only Real Means For Foreign Ideas To Enter Your Brain.

I Certainly Felt I Had An Idea Of World War Ii, And It's Probably The Idea That Many People Share: There Was This Insane Aggressor, And There Was Really Only One Way To Proceed In Resisting Him. What I Didn't Realize Is That There Were Many Voices Belonging To Reasonable, Interesting, Complicated People Who Had A Different Way Of Interpreting The Possible Responses To The Hitlerian Menace.

When I Really Want To Be Soothed And Reminded Of Why People Bother To Fiddle With Sentences, I Often Read Poetry.

History Isn't A Seesaw. If You Have A Really Bad Regime On One Side, The Actions On The Other Side Don't Automatically Become Good. It Doesn't Work That Way.

One's Head Is Finite. You Pour More And More Things Into It - Surnames, Chronologies, Affiliations - And It Packs Them Away In Its Tunnels, And Eventually You Find That You Have A Book About Something That You Publish.

Poetry Is Prose In Slow Motion.

A Bee Rose Up From A Sun-filled Paper Cup, Off To Make Slum Honey From Some Diet Root Beer It Had Found Inside.

I'm A Sucker For Interiors And Carefully, Beautifully Filmed People Sitting In A Big Room. My Appetites Are Simple.

I Like Shelves Full Of Books In A Library, But If All Books Become Electronic, The Task Of Big Research Libraries Remains The Same - Keep What's Published In The Form In Which It Appeared.

There's A Time And Place For The Kindle, And I Own One Now And Have Books On It That I Don't Otherwise Have. But I Don't Find That My Hand Reaches Out For It The Way It Does For A Trade Paperback, Or (in The Middle Of The Night) For The Ipod Touch.

Wikipedia Flourished Partly Because It Was A Shrine To Altruism.

I Would Like To Visit The Factory That Makes Train Horns, And Ask Them How They Are Able To Arrive At That Chord Of Eternal Mournfulness. Is It Deliberately Sad? Are The Horns Saying, Be Careful, Stay Away From This Train Or It Will Run You Over And Then People Will Grieve, And Their Grief Will Be As The Inconsolable Wail Of This Horn Through The Night? The Out-of-tuneness Of The Triad Is Part Of Its Beauty.

There Was A Lot Of Maneuvering On The Part Of The Roosevelt Administration To Get The Stars Aligned So That That Attack Would Happen. There's Just No Question About That; You Don't Even Have To Look At The Decoding Of Diplomatic Cables Or Anything Else. Fdr's Own Admiral Thought It Was A Bad Idea To Have The Fleet Confined In One Place Way Out In The Middle Of The Pacific.

Rarely Do Pens Go Dry In Restaurants.

Gandhi Was Important For Another Reason As Well: His Country Was Suffering Under The British Empire, And Yet He Was Leading A Very Singular Kind Of Resistance To It. At The Time He Was Speaking About The Violence In Europe, His Followers Were In Jail As Prisoners Of The British Government.

It's True That I Don't Rearrange That Much In The Fiction, But I Feel If You Change Even One Name Or The Order Of One Event Then You Have To Call It Fiction Or You Get All The Credits Of Non-fiction Without Paying The Price.

Maybe The Kindle Was The Bowflex Of Bookishness: Something Expensive That, When You Commit To It, Forces You To Do More Of Whatever It Is You Think You Should Be Doing More Of.

What's Somewhat Puzzling Is That Churchill Himself Knew What The Reaction Would Be To Any Sort Of Aerial Attack On Cities, Because In 1938 He Said That In A Future War British Cities Would Be Attacked By Bombing, And That The Response Would Be That All Men Would Want To Join The Fight Because They Would Be So Incensed By This Cowardly Manner Of Attack. Which Is A Very Natural Response: When Something Drops On You From The Air And Blows Up A Bunch Of Buildings And Kills People In Their Sleep, The Reaction Is Going To Be Rage, Confusion, And A Search For Something To Destroy In Retaliation.

The Great Thing About Novels Is That You Can Be As Unshy As You Want To Be. I'm Very Polite In Person. I Don't Want To Talk About Startling Or Upsetting Things With People.

You Can Tell It's A Poem Because It's Swimming In A Little Gel Pack Of White Space. That Shows It's A Poem.

Many Good Poets Are Really Essayists Who Write Very Short Essays.

People Don't Like To Read Text On Computer Screens (and Reading A Lot Of Text On Ipod Screens Gets Very Tiring Very Soon, Just About As Soon As Running Out Of Battery Power).

I Wrote About World War Ii Because I Didn't Understand It. I Think That's The Reason That Historians Are Drawn To Any Subject - There's Something About It That Doesn't Make Sense. I Wanted To Work My Way Through What Happened Slowly, And Look At Everything In The Order In Which It Took Place.

A Problem That I Have With Everything Fictional Is That Writers Are Always Having To Come Up With Sudden Artillery Explosions In The Middle Of Whatever Is Going On. The Characters Are Having Interesting, Subtle Interactions, Or Jealousies, Or Whatever It Is, And Suddenly Some Gigantic Angry Eruption Has To Happen, A Giant Gasp Where Everyone Has To Scramble Around. That's The Point Where I'm Turned Off. I Want The Dynamic Range To Be A Little Smaller. I Don't Like The Big False Bangs.

If You Write Every Day, You're Going To Write A Lot Of Things That Aren't Terribly Good, But You're Going To Have Given Things A Chance To Have Their Moments Of Sprouting.

In Fact, You Could Make The Argument That A Historian Like Shlomo Aronson Does In Passing In One Of His Books, That The Bombing Campaign United The German Nation Behind Hitler, And Actually Contributed To The Sustaining Of His Power.

Books: A Beautifully Browsable Invention That Needs No Electricity And Exists In A Readable Form No Matter What Happens.

For Me, As A Beginning Novelist, All Other Living Writers Form A Control Group For Whom The World Is A Placebo.

Until A Friend Or Relative Has Applied A Particular Proverb To Your Own Life, Or Until You've Watched Him Apply The Proverb To His Own Life, It Has No Power To Sway You.

In My Case, Adulthood Itself Was Not An Advance, Although It Was A Useful Waymark.

In The Novel, I Can Change Things And Simplify, And Make Events Work Towards Whatever Meanings I'm Trying To Get At More Efficiently.

Most Writers Are Secretly Worried That They're Not Really Writers. That It's All Been Happenstance, Something Came Together Randomly, The Letters Came Together, And They Won't Coalesce Ever Again.

The Equivocations, The Confusions, The Contradictions. There's No Way We Can Live Through Or Comprehend Something So Big That Happened So Long Ago. We've Lost True History. But If We Are Willing To Tolerate The Contradictions, And If We Suffer Through Events Rather Than Ticking Them Off, We May At Least Get Closer To Understanding What Happened Than If We Grip The Handrail Of A Carefully Polished And Reassuringly Heroic Narrative.

Footnotes Are The Finer-suckered Surfaces That Allow Testicular Paragraphs To Hold Fast To The Wider Reality Of The Library.

It's Troubling To See How Often Winston Churchill Is A Proponent Of Massive Programs That Are Really Aimed At Civilians - Starvation Blockades And Chemical Warfare Stockpiles And So On.

I Really Practiced Hard And Got To A Certain Level Of Technical Proficiency. I Overcame Some Of My Limitations. I Was A Hard-working, Dedicated Bassoonist, But I Have To Say I'm Not A Natural Musician.

Sometimes I Think With The Telephone That If I Concentrate Enough I Could Pour Myself Into It And I'd Be Turned Into A Mist And I Would Rematerialize In The Room Of The Person I'm Talking To. Is That Too Odd For You?

You Need The Art In Order To Love The Life.

True, The Name Of The Product Wasn't So Great. Kindle? It Was Cute And Sinister At The Same Time - Worse Than Edsel, Or Probe, Or Microsoft's Bob. But One Forgives A Bad Name. One Even Comes To Be Fond Of A Bad Name, If The Product Itself Is Delightful.

As Soon As You Start Doing That - Changing Things - It Seems Self-evident To Me That You've Entered The World Of Make-believe. If You Pretend That It's True, And Use Your Own Name, You Are Misleading People. Fiction Is Looser And Wilder And Sometimes In The End More Self-revealing, Anyway.

There's Something Paralyzing About Being A Writer That You Have To Escape. I Don't Want To Think Of Myself As A Guy Who's Written A Bunch Of Books. The 26 Letters Distance Us From Our Own Hesitations And They Make Us Sound As If We Know What We're Doing. We Know Grammar, We Know Prose, But Actually We're All Just Struggling In The Dark, Really.

From My Music Training, I Knew That, Some Spanish Rhythms Apart, 5/4 Is A Time Signature Used Only In The Modern Era. Holst's Mars From The Planets Is 5/4. But If You Speak Lines Of Poetry In That Pattern You Just End Up Hitting The Off-beats. It's Only When You Add A Rest - A Sixth Beat - That It Sounds As It Surely Should Sound.

Spoon The Sauce Over The Ice Cream. It Will Harden. This Is What You Have Been Working For.

Writing Has To Do With Truth-telling. When You're Writing, Let's Say, An Essay For A Magazine, You Try To Tell The Truth At Every Moment. You Do Your Best To Quote People Accurately And Get Everything Right. Writing A Novel Is A Break From That: Freedom. When You're Writing A Novel, You Are In Charge; You Can Beef Things Up.

I Don't Do All That Well In The Writerly World. I'm Happier Being Outside The Flow.

Updike Was The First To Take The Penile Sensorium Under The Wing Of Elaborate Metaphorical Prose.

I No Longer Want To Live In An Apartment Furnished With Forklifts And Backhoes.

Just As The People Who Lived Through The Second World War Thought Different Things On Different Days, I Think Everybody Who Goes Through That Period Carefully Now Thinks Different Things On Different Days.

I Think I Am Done With Wikipedia For The Time Being. But I Have A Secret Hope. Someone Recently Proposed A Wikimorgue - A Bin Of Broken Dreams Where All Rejects Could Still Be Read, As Long As They Weren't Libelous Or Otherwise Illegal.

E.b. White's Essays Are The Best Things I've Read About Maine - Especially The One In Which He's Not Sure If He Can Go Out Sailing Any More In His Sloop.

Some Tv Shows Are Like Really Good Novels In That There Are Enough Episodes That You Start To Have Your Own Feelings About How The Characters Should Act. When The Scriptwriters Go Slightly Wrong, When They Make The Character Make A Left Turn That He Or She Wouldn't Do, You Know Enough About The Characters To Say, "no, That's Not What She Would Do There. That's Wrong." You Can Actually Argue With A Tv Show In A Way That You Can't Do As Much With Movie - You Inhabit A Tv Show In The Way You Inhabit A Novel.

I'm Often Called Obsessive, But I Don't Think I Am Any More Than Anyone Else.

The Question Any Novel Is Really Trying To Answer Is, Is Life Worth Living?

There Is No Good Word For Stomach; Just As There Is No Good Word For Girlfriend. Stomach Is To Girlfriend As Belly Is To Lover, And As Abdomen Is To Consort, And As Middle Is To Petite Amie.

You Can Register A Political Objection In A Number Of Ways.

I Woke Up Thinking A Very Pleasant Thought. There Is Lots Left In The World To Read.

Sometimes, Despite The Fact That You're Reading Through Masses Of Material, You Just Can't Not Think About A Certain Event, For It Seems To Capture The Reality Of The Entire Situation So Much Better Than Any Set Of Statistics.

First, If You Love The Kindle And It Works For You, It Isn't Problematic, And You Should Ignore All My Criticisms And Read The Way You Want To Read.

I Keep Thinking I'll Enjoy Suspense Novels, And Sometimes I Do. I've Read About 20 Dick Francis Novels.

Suspense Novels

While I Was Writing I Assumed It Would Be Published Under A Pseudonym, And That Liberated Me: What I Wrote Was Exactly What I Wanted To Read.

Printed Books Usually Outlive Bookstores And The Publishers Who Brought Them Out. They Sit Around, Demanding Nothing, For Decades. That's One Of Their Nicest Qualities - Their Brute Persistence.

I've Never Been A Fast Reader. I'm Fickle; I Don't Finish Books I Start; I Put A Book Aside For Five, Ten Years And Then Take It Up Again.

But Spending Your Life Concentrating On Death Is Like Watching A Whole Movie And Thinking Only About The Credits That Are Going To Roll At The End. It’s A Mistake Of Emphasis.

The Job Of The Novel Is To Be True To The Confusion, But Not So Confusing That You Turn The Reader Off.

Most Good Novelists Have Been Women Or Homosexuals. The Novel Is The Triumphant Evolved Creation, One Increasingly Has To Think, Of These Two Groups, Who Have Cooperated More Closely In This Domain Than In Any Other.

The Nice Thing About A Protest Song Is That It Takes The Complaint, The Fussing, The Finger-pointing, And Gives It An Added Component Of Sociable Harmony.

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