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She Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Her I Had To End It. She Was Surprised, And Asked My Why I Thought So. I Told Her It Wasn't A Thought, More A Feeling, Like I Couldn't Breathe And Knew I Had To Get Some Air. It Was A Survival Instinct, I Told Her. She Said It Was Time For Dinner. Then She Sat Me Down And Told Me Not To Worry. She Said Moments Like This Were Like Waking Up In The Middle Of The Night: You're Scared, Your'e Disoriented, And You're Completely Convinced You're Right. But Then You Stay Awake A Little Longer And You Realize Things Aren't As Fearful As They Seem.

-David Levithan

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She Asked Me What

David Levithan

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She Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Her I Had To End It. She Was Surprised, And Asked My Why I Thought So. I Told Her It Wasn't A Thought, More A Feeling, Like I Couldn't Breathe And Knew I Had To Get Some Air. It Was A Survival Instinct, I Told Her. She Said It Was Time For Dinner. Then She Sat Me Down And Told Me Not To Worry. She Said Moments Like This Were Like Waking Up In The Middle Of The Night: You're Scared, Your'e Disoriented, And You're Completely Convinced You're Right. But Then You Stay Awake A Little Longer And You Realize Things Aren't As Fearful As They Seem.

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We Didn't Believe In Fate, But We Believed In Serendipity. We Felt Very Lucky.

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You Think Fairy Tales Are Only For Girls? Here's A Hint - Ask Yourself Who Wrote Them. I Assure You, It Wasn't Just The Women. It's The Great Male Fantasy - All It Takes Is One Dance To Know That She's The One. All It Takes Is The Sound Of Her Song From The Tower, Or A Look At Her Sleeping Face. And Right Away You Know - This Is The Girl In Your Head, Sleeping Or Dancing Or Singing In Front Of You. Yes, Girls Want Their Princes, But Boys Want Their Princesses Just As Much. And They Don't Want A Very Long Courtships. They Want To Know Immediately.

Every You, Every Me. Fractals. Fractures.

You Can't Deny That There's Something Between Us." "no. There Is. When I Saw You Today--i Didn't Know I'd Been Waiting For You Until You Were There. And Then All Of That Waiting Rushed Through Me In A Second. That's Something... But I Don't Know If It's Certainty.

I Am Learning That A Life Isn't Real Unless Someone Else Knows Its Reality. And I Want My Life To Be Real.

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Fraught, Adj. Does Every “i Love You” Deserve An “i Love You Too”? Does Every Kiss Deserve A Kiss Back? Does Every Night Deserve To Be Spent On A Lover? If The Answer To Any Of These Is “no,” What Do We Do?

It's Hard To Answer A Question You Haven't Been Asked. It's Hard To Show You Tried Unless You End Up Succeeding.

That Strange, Twisted, Torn Love. That Conflict Between What Your Heart Knows Is Right And What Your Mind Is Told Is Right.

There Was A Pause. I Was Still Scared By Every Gap In Our Conversation, Fearing That This Was It, The Point Where We Had Nothing Left To Say. I Was Still Trying To Impress You, And I Still Wanted To Be Impressed By You, So I Could Pass Along Pieces Of Your Impressiveness To My Friends, Convincing Myself This Was Possible.

I Am A Drifter, And As Lonely As That Can Be, It Is Also Remarkably Freeing. I Will Never Define Myself In Terms Of Anyone Else. I Will Never Feel The Pressure Of Peers Or The Burden Of Parental Expectation. I Can View Everyone As Pieces Of A Whole, And Focus On The Whole, Not The Pieces. I Have Learned To Observe, Far Better Than Most People Observe. I Am Not Blinded By The Past Or Motivated By The Future. I Focus On The Present Because That Is Where I Am Destined To Live.

The World Is Quieter Now. It Is Never Quiet, But It Can Get Quieter. What Strange Creatures We Are, To Find Silence Peaceful, When Permanent Silence Is The Thing We Most Dread. Nighttime Is Not That. Nighttime Still Rustles, Still Creaks And Whispers And Trembles In Its Throat. It Is Not Darkness We Fear, But Our Own Helplessness Within It. How Merciful To Have Been Granted The Other Senses.

My Mother Said I Should Have A 'change Of Scenery.' The Word Scenery Made Be Think Of A Play. And As We Were Driving Around, It Made Sense That Way. Because No Matter How Much The Scenery Changed, We Were Still On The Same Stage.

Pride Is Allowed To Have An Element Of Worry, Especially When You Are A Mother.

Do You Know When You Cross Against Traffic? You Look Down The Street And See A Car Coming, But You Know You Can Get Across Before It Gets To You. So Even Though There’s A Don’t Walk Sign, You Cross Anyway. And There’s Always A Split Second When You Turn And See That Car Coming, And You Know That If You Don’t Continue Moving, It Will All Be Over. That’s How I Feel A Lot Of The Time. I Know I’ll Make It Across. I Always Make It Across. But The Car Is Always There, And I Always Stop To Watch It Coming.

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That's What The Voices In Your Head Are For, To Get You Through The Silent Parts.

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Yearning N. And Adj. At Te Core Of This Desire Is The Belief That Everything Can Be Perfect.

That's What It Felt Like - That If I Let A Little Of The Hurt Out, It Would Keep Pouring Out Until I Was A Deflated Balloon Of A Person, With A Big Monster Of Hurt In Front Of Me.

Things Rarely Get Fixed The Way They Need To Be.

You Are Happy Even If You Are Afraid To Admit It.

That No Matter What I Did, I Would Always Be Missing Something Else. And The Only Way To Live, The Only Way To Be Happy, Was To Make Sure The Things I Didn't Miss Meant More To Me Than The Things I Missed.

Every Time You Love Someone, You Put Not Just Your Faith In Them, But Your Faith In Everything To The Test.

Breathing Is Hard. When You Cry So Much, It Makes You Realize That Breathing Is Hard.

Dispel, V. It Was The Way You Said, “i Have Something To Tell You.” I Could Feel The Magic Drain From The Room.

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This Might Be The Happy Ending Without The Ending

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Hopeless Romantic

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Make Yourself Happy

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I Wonder If It's Possible To Start A New Relationship Without Hurting Someone Else.

New Relationship

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Dash Is For Sure Straight!" Boomer Announced. "he Has A Super-pretty Ex-girlfriend Named Sofia, Who I Think He Still Has A Thing For, And Also, In Seventh Grade, There Was A Game Of Spin The Bottle And It Was My Turn And I Spun And It Landed At Dash, But He Wouldn't Let Me Kiss Him.

Incessant Adj. The Doubts. You Had To Save Me From My Constant Doubts. That Deep-seeded Feeling That I Wasn't Good Enough For Anything I Was A Fake At My Job I Wasn't Your Equal My Friends Would Forget Me If I Moved Away For A Month. It Wasn't As Easy As Hearing Voices Nobody Was Telling Me This. It Was Just Something I Knew. Everyone Else Was Playing Along But I Was Sure That One Day They Would All Stop.

We Found Out A Long Time Ago That We Weren’t Meant To Fall In Love With Each Other. But A Part Of Me Still Fell In Hope With Him.

Falling In Love

All This Hoping For Something- Or Someone- That's Maybe Hopeless. I'm Having A Hard Time Processing What I Am Supposed To Believe, Or If I'm Even Supposed To. There Is Too Much Information, And I Don't Like A Lot Of It.

Hoping For Something

It Felt Good To Be Surrounded By Books, By All This Solid Knowledge, By These Objects That Could Be Ripped Page By Page But Couldn't Be Torn If The Pages All Held Together.

This Isn't Even Something I've Feared, Because I Never Knew It Was A Possibility.

When Is A Night Over? Is It The Start Of Sunrise Or The End Of It? Is It When You Finally Go To Sleep Or Simply Realize That You Have To? When The Club Closes Or When You Everyone Leaves? "it's Over When You Decide It's Over," She Says. "when You Call It A Night. The Rest Is Just A Matter Of Where The Sun Is In The Sky.

Being With Someone For Over A Year Can Mean That You Love Them … But It Can Also Mean You’re Trapped.

I Don't Even Know What I'm Looking For, Although I Hope I'll Know It If I Find It Along The Way. Sometimes I Want To Simplify My Life Into A Simple Bare Thing. And Other Times I Want To Complicate It So Thoroughly That Everything I Touch Will Become Bound In Some Way To Me. I've Become Quite Aware Of My Contradictions, But There's No True Resolution In That.

The Key To A Successful Relationship Isn’t Just In The Words, It’s In The Choice Of Punctuation. When You’re In Love With Someone, A Well-placed Question Mark Can Be The Difference Between Bliss And Disaster, And A Deeply Respected Period Or A Cleverly Inserted Ellipsis Can Prevent All Kinds Of Exclamations.

Part Of Love Is Letting A Person Be Who They Want To Be

It's Only A Game If There Is An Absence Of Meaning. And We've Already Gone Too Far For That.

I Never Felt The Urge To Jump Off A Bridge, But There Are Times I Have Wanted To Jump Out Of My Life, Out Of My Skin.

The Thing About Champagne,you Say, Unfoiling The Cork, Unwinding The Wire Restraint, Is That Is The Ultimate Associative Object. Every Time You Open A Bottle Of Champagne, It's A Celebration, So There's No Better Way Of Starting A Celebration Than Opening A Bottle Of Champagne. Every Time You Sip It, You're Sipping From All Those Other Celebrations. The Joy Accumulates Over Time.

I Have Become Very Good At Clearing Histories.

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I Am Here Because Of Love.

School Is School-she Wants It To Be Over, But She's Afraid Of It Being Over, Because Then She'll Have To Figure Out What Comes Next.

It Was A Mistake," You Said. But The Cruel Thing Was, It Felt Like The Mistake Was Mine, For Trusting You.

He’ll Have To Prove It To You. Every Day, He’ll Have To Prove He’s Worthy Of You. And If He Doesn’t, That’s It. But I Think He Will.

Such A Strange Thing, To Hold A Six-year-old's Hand. Especially A Six-year-old You've Only Just Met. A Toddler Will Grab Hold Of Your Finger, And Someone Your Own Age Will Clasp On To Your Whole Hand, But With Six-year-olds It's Something In Between, This Acknowledgment That They Can't Be The One To Take Hold, So You Have To Do All The Holding, Folding Your Hand Around Theirs, Feeling So Much Bigger And Responsible.

You Have To Trust The Words. They Do Not Create Anything More Than Themselves.

Things Are Not Magical Because They've Been Conjured For Us By Some Outside Force. They Are Magical Because We Create Them.

These Teenager Looks Aren't Going To Last Forever, And That There Are Much Better Foundation To Build A Life Upon Than How Attractive You Are.

There Is No Such Thing As Equality For Some. Equality Must Be For All. That Is What Freedom Is. That Is What Liberty Is. No Human Being Is Born More Or Less Important Than Any Other. How Can We Allow Ourselves To Forget That? What Simpler Truth Is There?

My Face Seems Too Square And My Eyes Too Big, Like I'm Perpetually Surprised, But There's Nothing Wrong With Me That I Can Fix.

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Every Two People Cause And Intersection. Every Person Alters The World.

Are You Going To Be Playing For The Pure Thrill Of Unreluctant Desire?

Me: Why Is It Upset? Shouldn't It Be Downset? Gideon: I Will File A Lawsuit Against The Dictionaries First Thing Tomorrow Morning. We're Going To Tear Merriam A New Asshole And Throw Webster Inside Of It.

It Was A Laugh That Came From The Tip Of His Toes, Gaining Force And Soul As It Traveled Through His Body And Out Into The World In Mirthful Bursts. There Wasn't Anything Fake About It; It Was An Amusement Park Of A Laugh, And When It Appeared, You Wanted To Jump On Board.

There Are Things I Miss," You Said. "but If I Didn't Have You, I'd Miss More.

I Want To Talk To You And Be Random With You And Be Ridiculous With You.

It's Almost Heartening To Think That The Attachment You Have Can Define Your Perception As Much As Any Other Influence.

There Are Boys So Enraptured By Love That They Can't Get Their Hearts To Slow Down Enough To Get Some Rest, And Other Boys So Damaged By Love That They Can't Stop Picking At Their Pain.

In School, The Year Was The Marker. Fifth Grade. Senior Year Of High School. Sophomore Year Of College. Then After, The Jobs Were The Marker. That Office. This Desk. But Now That School Is Over And I've Been Working At The Same Place In The Same Office At The Same Desk For Longer Than I Can Truly Believe, I Realize: You Have Become The Marker. This Is Your Era. And It's Only If It Goes On And On That Will Have To Look For Other Ways To Identify The Time.

What's The Big Deal With France? How Come Everyone Wants To Go There? Let Me Tell You About France. Their Music Sucks. Their Movies Suck. Their Berets Suck. Their Croissants Are Pretty Good, But The Place Overall Still Sucks.my Family Went There Once On The Way To Visit Dad's Homeland Family. Eurodisney. Need I Say More?

Lying Awake Beside You, These Thoughts Run Through My Head.

I Text Tiny A Minute Later. Made New Gay Friend. And He Texts Back Progress!!!

One Of My Best Friends Is Named David Leventhal, And It Has Always Been A Constant Source Of Amusement To See How The Similarity And Differences Play Out In Our Lives.

It’s As Simple As That. Simple And Complicated, As Most True Things Are.

... I Love Books About Freaks," Because I Am One. You Might Be, Too. Let's Be Freaks Together?

It's The Way You Say Thank You Like You're Genuinely Thankful. I Have Never Met Anyone Else Who Does That On A Regular Basis.

Stanchion, N. I Don't Want To Be The Strong One, But I Don't Want To Be The Weak One Either. Why Does It Feel Like It's Always One Or The Other? When We Embrace, One Of Us Is Always Holding The Other A Little Tighter.

Sometimes Memory Tricks You. Sometimes Beauty Is Best When It's Distant.

My Lines All Curve. I Tend To Connect The Wrong Dots.

Why Is It So Much Easier To Talk To A Stranger? Why Do We Feel We Need To Disconnect In Order To Connect? If I Wrote "dear Sofia" Or "dear Boomer" Or "dear Lily's Great-aunt" At The Top Of This Postcard, Wouldn't That Change The Words That Followed? Of Course It Would. But The Question Is: When I Wrote "dear Lily," Was That Just A Version Of "dear Myself"? I Know It Was More Than That. But It Was Also Less Than That, Too

What I Learned The Well-documented Difference Between Alone And Lonely The Comfort Of Knowing

As If When Someone Close To Us Dies, We Momentarily Trade Places With Them, In The Moment Right Before. And As We Get Over It, We’re Really Living Their Life In Reverse, From Death To Life, From Sickness To Health.

There Is No Word For Our Kind Of Friendship. Two People Who Don't See Each Other A Lot, But Can Make Each Other Effortlessly Happy

I Am Always Amazed By People Who Know Something Is Wrong But Still Insist On Ignoring It, As If That Will Somehow Make It Go Away. They Spare Themselves The Confrontation, But End Up Boiling In Resentment Anyway.

You Know What Happens To Girls Who Loves Lost Boys? They Become Lost Themselves.

It's Goodbye To Some Things. And Hello To Others.

I Have Taken Advantage Of Other People's Weaknesses In Order To Cover My Own.

I Think They Have Compatible Silences.

The More Kindness And Justice Are Challenged, The More We Must Embrace Them. Only When You Are Challenged - And Only When You Challenge Yourself - Do You Discover What Truly Matters.

Maybe Tonight You're Scared Of Falling, And Maybe There's Somebody Here Or Somewhere Else You're Thinking About, Worrying Over, Fretting Over, Trying To Figure Out If You Want To Fall, Or How And When You're Gonna Land, And I Gotta Tell You, Friends, To Stop Thinking About The Landing, Because It's All About Falling.

Teenagers Are Never Joking. When Seeking To Prove A Point, Principals And Teachers Should Remember That Teenagers Are Never, Ever Sarcasic Or Ironic. If They Say "i Wish Someone Would Drop A Bomb On This School Right Now," That Means They Have Arranged For A Nuclear Arsenal To Be Emptied Onto The School And Should Be Immediately Suspended And Ridiculed. If They Say They Were Merely Coming Up With A Joking Excuse To Postpone A Bio Test, Reply That All Jokes Are Funny, And That Since Dropping A Bomb On A School Is Not Funny, It Is Therefore Not A Joke.

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Her Vulnerability Is Open, But She’s Safe Within It.

We Wish We Could Have Been There For You. We Didn't Have Many Role Models Of Our Own--we Latched On To The Foolish Love Of Oscar Wilde And The Well-versed Longing Of Walt Whitman Because Nobody Else Was There To Show Us An Untortured Path. We Were Going To Be Your Role Models. We Were Going To Give You Art And Music And Confidence And Shelter And A Much Better World. Those Who Survived Lived To Do This. But We Haven't Been There For You. We've Been Here. Watching As You Become The Role Models.

This Is What A Memorial Is: Standing Still, Staring At Something That Isn’t Ther

Simon: That's Disgusting! Me: What's Disgusting? Simon: You Know. You Put Your Thing In The Place Where He, Um, Defecates.

How Sad It Must Be For You To Be Nothing More Than A Hollow Statue, To Have Your Tomb Preserved And Your Story Forgotten.

Breathtaking, Adj. Those Moments When We Kiss And Surrender For An Hour Before We Say A Single Word.

That Word Again. Happy. It’s A Curse. The Pursuit Of Happiness Makes Us Deeply Unhappy. It’s A Trap.before Anything Else Happened, There Was Me In Bed, Thinking Of Who You Used To Be. I Don’t Want You To Think I Forgot.

Pursuit Of Happiness

It's Like, You Know How Sometimes You See A Really Sexy Baby? Wait.

There Are Many Things That Can Keep You In A Relationship," I Say. "fear Of Being Alone. Fear Of Disrupting The Arrangement Of Your Life. A Decision To Settle For Something That's Okay, Because You Don't Know If You Can Get Any Better. Or Maybe There's The Irrational Belief That It Will Get Better, Even If You Know He Won't Change.

We Are So Used To Releasing Words, We Don't Know What To Do With Them If They Stay. No Matter How Many Times We Let Them Go, They Come Back. The Words That Matter Always Stay.

The World, Right Now, Is Only Us.

I Want My Own Books To Have Their Own Shelves," You Said, And That's How I Knew It Would Be Okay To Live Together.

If This Continues, If This Goes On, Then When I Die, Your Memories Of Me Will Be My Greatest Accomplishment. You Memories Will Be My Most Lasting Impressions.

Lasting Impressions

I've Lost Track Of Where Friendship Ends And Falling Begins. (this Is The Foolish Refrain Of The Hopelessly Devoted.) There Are Times I Want To Kiss You Midsentence. Undo The Not-doing With One Gesture.

With All Due Respect, If You’re Forty-three, Then I’m A Fetus.

I Have Always Been Aware Of How I Break. I Know What Kind Of Situations Will Break Me. I Know What Kind Of People Will Do It. I Know How Much It Will Hurt.

We'd Said We'd Keep In Touch. But Touch Is Not Something You Can Keep; As Soon As It's Gone, It's Gone. We Should Have Said We'd Keep In Words, Because They Are All We Can String Between Us--words On A Telephone Line, Words Appearing On A Screen.

Trying To Write About Love Is Ultimately Like Trying To Have A Dictionary Represent Life. No Matter How Many Words There Are, There Will Never Be Enough.

And I'm Moved, It's So Beautiful. Not What I Wrote, But To Have It Given Back Like This. To Have Her Remember The Words And The Tune. To Hear It In Her Voice.

...and Suddenly You Started Singing Out Your Love For Me. My Name And Everything, Loud Enough To Reach The Top Floors Of All The Buildings. I Should Have Told You To Stop, But I Didn’t Want You To Stop. I Didn’t Mind If Your Love For Me Woke People Up. I Didn’t Mind If It Somehow Sneaked Into Their Sleep.

Feeling Someone Else's Anger Is Bad; Being Left Alone Is Worse.

For I Have Never Wanted A Lover, But I Have Always Wanted To Love, And To Be Loved.

It's One Of The Secrets Of Strength: We're So Much More Likely To Find It In The Service Of Others Than In Service To Ourselves.

We Could Call You An Ambisexual. A Duosexual. A—” “do I Really Have To Find A Word For It?” Kyle Interrupts. “can’t It Just Be What It Is?” “of Course,” I Say, Even Though In The Bigger World I’m Not So Sure. The World Loves Stupid Labels. I Wish We Got To Choose Our Own. We Pause For A Moment. I Wonder If That’s All—if He Just Needed To Say The Truth And Have It Heard. But Then Kyle Looks At Me With Unsure Eyes And Says, “you See, I Don’t Know Who I’m Supposed To Be.” “nobody Does,” I Assure Him.

I Am Starting To Get Tired Of Relying On Words. They Are Full Of Meaning, Yes, But They Lack Sensation. Writing To Her Is Not The Same As Seeing Her Face As She Listens. Hearing Back From Her Is Not The Same As Hearing Her Voice. I Have Always Been Grateful For Technology, But Now It Feels As If There's A Little Hitch Of Separation Woven Into Any Digital Interaction. I Want To Be There, And This Scares Me. All My Usual Disconnected Comforts Are Bieng Taken Away, Now That I See The Greater Comfort Of Presence.

It's Gonna Hurt Because It Matters.

He Was Attractive. I Knew That. And I Knew That Attractive People Always Got Away With Things.

So I Said I Wanted You To Stay, Even Though Nothing Could Stay The Same.

This Is What I Never Allowed Myself To Need. And Of Course What I've Been Needing All Along.

It's As If When You Love Someone, They Become Your Reason. And Maybe I've Gotten It Backward, Maybe It's Just Because I Need A Reason That I Find Myself Falling In Love With Her. But I Don't Think That's It. I Think I Would Have Continued Along, Oblivious, If I Hadn't Happened To Meet Her.

Falling In Love

When You Love Someone

Game Over," You Say, And I Don't Know Which I Take More Exception To-- The Fact That You Say Its Over, Or The Fact That You Say It's A Game.

Deep Down, You See, I Long To Be Arcane, Esoteric. I Would Love To Confound People With Their Own Language.

The Word I Think Of Is Precarious. I Am Struck By How Precarious It All Is. How The Things That Hold Us Are Only As Strong As The Faith We Have In Them.

This Is What Love Does: It Makes You Want To Rewrite The World. It Makes You Want To Choose The Characters, Build The Scenery, Guide The Plot. The Person You Love Sits Across From You, And You Want To Do Everything In Your Power To Make It Possible, Endlessly Possible. And When It’s Just The Two Of You, Alone In A Room, You Can Pretend That This Is How It Is, This Is How It Will Be.

The World Loves Stupid Labels. I Wish We Got To Choose Our Own.

Eventually She Fell Asleep, But I Kept The Phone Against My Ear, Lulled By Her Breathing, And Her Breathing Again In The Background. And Yes, It Felt Like Home. Like Everything Belonged Exactly Where It Was.

When You Need To Hold Onto Something, You Should. Whatever Gets You Through, Take It.

Barfly N. You Have The Ability To Talk To Anyone Which Is An Ability I Do Not Share.

I'm A Firm Believer That Every Person, Young Or Old, Has At Least One Good Story To Tell.

Having Someone Think Of Me That Way Was Like Discovering A New Window In The Room I'd Lived In All My Life.

But I Think We Were Walking Around Like We Were Invincible. And Maybe That's A Bad Way To Live Your Life. Because You're Not Invincible. Nobody Is. And Maybe Now That We've Learned That, We'll Be Better.

I'll See You Later, He Says, And As He Does, He Runs His Finger Briefly Over My Wrist. It Passes Over Me Like Air, And Makes Me Shiver Like A Kiss.

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