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Saying That You Don't Believe In Magic But Do Believe In God Is A Bit Like Saying You Don't Have Sex With Dogs, Except Labradors.

-Jimmy Carr

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Saying That You Don't

Jimmy Carr

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Saying That You Don't Believe In Magic But Do Believe In God Is A Bit Like Saying You Don't Have Sex With Dogs, Except Labradors.

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Cats Have Nine Lives. Makes Them Ideal For Experimentation.

I Love Those People Who Do Story-telling And Who Ramble On, But I Don't Do That, I Tell Jokes - The Sort Of Jokes That Anyone Really Could Tell In The Pub.

But What's True About Comedians Is That We've All Got A Huge Hole In Our Personality. In A Room Of 3,000 People, We're The One Person Facing In The Opposite Direction - Yet We Have This Overwhelming Desire To Be Liked.

Overwhelming Desire

Let's Face It, The Gene Pool Needs A Little Chlorine.

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I Think The Idea That Death Is Not The End, That Your Dog's Just Gone To Live On The Farm, Is Limiting. Thoughts Like That Prevent You From Making The Most Of The Time That You Have.

You Never Want To Be The Grumpy Guy, Although I Do Have Quite A Grumpy Face.

My Mum Told Me The Best Time To Ask My Dad For Anything Was During Sex. Not The Best Advice I'd Ever Been Given. I Burst In Through The Bedroom Door Saying "can I Have A New Bike?". He Was Very Upset. His Secretary Was Surprisingly Nice About It. I Got The Bike.

Swimming Is Good For You, Especially If You're Drowning. Not Only Do You Get A Cardiovascular Workout But Also You Don't Die.

I'm Not Being Condescending, I'm Too Busy Thinking About Far More Important Things You Wouldn't Understand.

My Favourite Road Sign Is 'falling Rocks'. What Exactly Am I Supposed To Do With That Information? They May As Well Have A Sign Saying "random Accidents Ahead", "life's A Lottery, Be Lucky."

I Didn't Plan To Be The Rude Middle-class Comedian. You Write A Certain Type Of Joke That You Find Funny, And Mine Happen To Be Often Rude. Yes, It's Juvenile, But That's Me.

When Someone Close To You Dies, Move Seats.

The 2012 Olympics Is Going To Cost £8 Billion Which Is A Lot Of Money. It'll Probably Bankrupt London. But You Can't Put A Price On Two Bronze Medals In Cycling.

I Don't Think It's Any Coincidence That I Lost My Religious Faith And 'manned Up' In The Same Year. I Was Described Somewhere As A Lapsed Catholic, Which Is Funny Because I'm Not Going Back! I Want To Achieve Things Rather Than Live Life In An Animalistic Way.

I Did A Gig In The U.s. Once For The Homeless. I Said 'it's Nice To See So Many Bums On Seats.'

My Girlfriend Bought A Cook Book The Other Day Called 'cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking'. Which Is Perfect For Her, Because Not Only Is She Vegetarian.

I Go Around The Country And Do A Simple Gag Like, 'the Property Ladder Is Now A Snake' And Get A Real Laugh.

All Comedians Are A Bit Attention-seeking And I'm No Different. Anyone With The Audacity To Want To Be Listened To For An Hour And A Half Must Be.

In Pizza Express You Can Get Garlic Bread With Cheese And Tomato. Now Correct Me If I'm Wrong, But That's A Pizza.

Saying That You Don't Believe In Magic But Do Believe In God Is A Bit Like Saying You Don't Have Sex With Dogs, Except Labradors.

Once I Was Doing A Sponsored Walk. In The End I Managed To Raise So Much Money, I Could Afford A Taxi.

I Had A Survey Done On My House. 8 Out Of 10 People Said They Really Rather Liked It

When People Come Over To My House For Dinner, I Always Have A Vegetarian Option. They Can Make Do, Or They Can **** Off!

Ten Years After The Chernobyl Accident, And Am I The Only One That's Disappointed? Still No Superheros.

Yes, I Have This Crazy Honk Of A Laugh.

I Was A Christian. I Didn't Want To Have Sex Before Marriage, I Was A Bit Uptight And Not Very Self-confident. I Was A Virgin Until I Was 26.

No Matter How Much You Give A Homeless Person For Tea... You Never Get That Tea.

I Was In Love With The Idea Of Being In Love With A Woman Way Before I Was Actually In Love With One.

I Saw That Show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I Would Have Thought The Obvious One Was 'shout For Help'.

I Think They Got It Wrong With Saddam Hussein. They Thought He Had The A-bomb. Instead He Had A Bomb.

Say What You Want About The Deaf.

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More People Are Going Out To Comedy Shows Than They Were Before.

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I'm Obsessed With Tv. How Wrong Our Parents Were When They Said We Should Only Watch An Hour A Day. Stop Wasting Your Time Reading Books.

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I'm Not Worried About The Third World War. That's The Third World's Problem.

The Tragedy For Comedians Is There's Nothing More They Want Than To Be Liked. We Desperately Seek Approval. It's Almost Like A Personality Disorder You Can Do As A Job.

I Used To Buy Lottery Tickets Every Week Until I Realised You Could Watch It On Tv For Nothing.

Viagra Has Instructions: 'keep Away From Children' - What Kind Of Man Do You Think I Am?

I Don't Think Young People Should Have Bottoms, They're Too Young For That Sort Of Thing.

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Throwing Acid Is Wrong... In Some People's Eyes.

I May Be Middle Class, But I'm Hard. 'al Dente', You Could Say.

Boxers Don't Have Sex Before A Fight. Do You Know Why That Is? They Don't Fancy Each Other.

There's Things That I Couldn't Joke About But Other People Could.

It's So Clear Cut With A Comedian - You Have That Reflex Action, Whereby You Laugh Or You Don't. And So You Either Love Us Or You Simply Cannot See Why People Are Laughing.

I Like To Write A Joke Without Any Fat On It.the Shorter The Better. I Cater For People With Add, Basically.

There Was One Time Where I Failed To Perform Sexually. My Girlfriend Said To Me "oh Don't Worry, It Happens To A Lot Of Guys". Ok, There Are Two Things Wrong With That. First Of All Who Are These Other Guys?, And Second Of All If It's Happening To More Than One Of Us, Don't You Think It Could Be Your Fault?

My Father Always Used To Say, "what Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Stronger," - 'til The Accident.

I, Of Course, Don't Have An Accent. This Is Just How Things Sound When They Are Pronounced Properly.

If I'm At Home For The Weekend - And That Is Almost Never - I Tend To Get Twitchy At About Eight O'clock In The Evening Because My Body Clock Is Timed To Go On Stage. I Don't Know What To Do With Myself.

Women Were Quite Terrifying Until I Was Older. I Think That's Partly Down To Confidence.

I Was Out With A Friend And He Came Over With A Pair Of Girls. I Said To Him "they're Like Buses." He Said "what? Because You Wait For Ages And Then Two Come Along At Once." I Said "no, They Are Like Buses!"

Tv's Not The Same Buzz. If Someone Tells You Three Million People Watched The Show Last Week, That's Good But, When You Walk Out In Front Of 1,000, You Think, 'oh My God, This Had Better Be Good'.

You Go, Well You Can't Joke About Race. Well If You're From A Different Race And That's Your Experience Of The World And You Want To Talk About That, Then Fine. Or You Can't Talk About Disability, But Disabled Comics Can Talk About That.

It Is Such A Social Thing, Laughing. Two Thousand People In A Room Laughing Is Such A Great Buzz And They Tend To Laugh Much More In A Group.

A Big Girl Once Came Up To Me After A Show And Said "i Think You're Fatist." I Said "no, No. I Think You're Fattest."

If We're All God's Children, What's So Special About Jesus?

I Think Being Successful In Comedy Is Being Funny And Making Jokes - Anything Beyond That Is The Icing On The Cake.

The First Few Weeks Of Joining Weight Watchers, You're Just Finding Your Feet.

Weight Watchers

I Was In The South Of France. I Saw A Brownie On A School Trip. She Was Holding Up A Book. It Said On The Front 'rough Guide'. I Thought: 'yeah' She's Not A Looker.

A Lady With A Clipboard Stopped Me In The Street The Other Day. She Said, 'can You Spare A Few Minutes For Cancer Research?' I Said, 'all Right, But We Won't Get Much Done.'

I Live Near A Remedial School. There Is A Sign That Says, Slow... Children. That Can't Be Good For Their Self Esteem. But Look Of Course On The Positive Side, They Can't Read It.

A Surprising Amount Of My Jokes Sound Very Implausible But Are True.

My Dad's Dying Wish Was To Have His Family Around Him. I Can't Help Thinking He Would Have Been Better Off With More Oxygen.

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My Girlfriend Said She Wanted Me To Tease Her, So I Said "alright, Fatty."

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I Said To My Girlfriend, You Shouldn't Eat Before You Swim. She Said, "why Not"? I Said, You Look Fat.

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British Scientists Have Demonstrated That Cigarettes Can Harm Your Children. Fair Enough. Use An Ashtray!

I Don't See Myself As Offending People.

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When I Was A Kid I Had An Imaginary Friend And I Used To Think That He Went Everywhere With Me, And That I Could Talk To Him And That He Could Hear Me, And That He Could Grant Me Wishes And Stuff. And Then I Grew Up, And I Stopped Going To Church.

I Pay What I Have To And Not A Penny More.

Put Smarties Tubes On Cats Legs, Make Them Walk Like A Robot.

I Do Realise That When I Laugh, It Sounds Like A Seal Is Being Molested.

I Saw A Charity Appeal In The Guardian The Other Day, And It Read "little Zuki Has To Walk 13 Miles A Day Just To Fetch Water". And I Couldn't Help Thinking, She Should Move.

Even If You're Doing The National Insurance Awards, There's Still That Excitement When You Wonder Who Is Going To Win, Er, Best Premiums.

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