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People Who Like What I Do Come In All Shapes And Sizes. Not Sure What The Common Denominator Is Per Se. Oh, It's Meeee! But To Be Embraced By A Progressive Community Means Something To Me And This One Feels Like Home.

-Sarah Silverman

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People Who Like What

Sarah Silverman

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People Who Like What I Do Come In All Shapes And Sizes. Not Sure What The Common Denominator Is Per Se. Oh, It's Meeee! But To Be Embraced By A Progressive Community Means Something To Me And This One Feels Like Home.

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That's Not To Say That I Don't Find Anything Offensive.

I Just Don't Let That Mentality Be A Part Of My World.

Nothing Is Taboo If You Have An Angle On It. That Said, Critiquing Women's Human Shells Isn't My Thang. Though There's Probably Something Funny Or Interesting To Be Said About Those Who Do It, And What That Comes From.

I'm Not Wanting And I Don't Live In A Hovel, But If You Keep Your Costs Low, You Can Do What You Want To Do Creatively.

That Still Feels Like The Most Accurate Description - I Felt Homesick, But I Was Home.

I Dress Normal Because I Want People To Treat Me Regular. And Their Brains Explode. It's Really Fun.

I Am Diagnosed With Not Having Enough Insanely-addictive Drugs Coursing Through My Body.

Take Lots Of Time For Yourself, Discovering Yourself-pursue Not Only A Profession But Other Life Passions, I Always Make Time To Rock Climb Or Hike Or Write A Few Short Stories. Also, Find Good People And Surround Yourself With Them. Most Importantly, Always Believe You Will, Unequivocally.

I Buy Water At The Liquor Store Across The Street From Where I Live. So I'm Walking Into The Door, And Standing, Loitering, Outside The Door Is A Man. And I Walk By Him To Go In, And He Says, "i Want Pussy!" Now, I Don't Want To Seem Conceited Or Anything, But He Was Talking About Me!

As A Kid, I Was Terrified. I Was A Bed Wetter And I Had To Go To Sleepaway Camp Every Summer, Which Was Humiliating And Terrifying. I Had Lots Of Insecurities And Scaredness. I Covered It With Being Funny And Tough, But It's Hard To Be Tough When You're Making Your Cot In Your Bunk Over Soaking Wet Sheets And Acting Like Nobody Can Smell Anything.

My Mom Was Always Someone Who If, Even Now, I Say I Met A Certain Famous Person, She Always Says, "she's Married To So And So!"

I Enjoy The Last Quarter Of All Basketball Games.

I'm Always In Those Tabloids Where They Show Who's Badly Dressed. It's Funny, Because Each Time I'm Getting My Picture Taken, I'm Thinking, This Is A Nice Outfit.

I Think Maybe I Became Funny Because As A Kid, I Was A Jew In A Town Of No Jews, And Being Funny Just Instinctively Came About As A Way To Put People At Ease Around Me.

I Just Think Of Myself As A Comedian, Really.

All Comics Want To Be Musicians. There's A Part Of Me That Wants To Be A Serious Musician. I Love Songs About Heartache And Heartbreak.

I'm Jewish, But I'm Totally Not.

I Don't Want To Be A Facilitator For Other Funny People. It Doesn't Seem Smart For Me To Be In A Comedy And Not Be Funny. My Spirit Can't Take It.

I Think I've Been Called Edgy - But In All Honestly, There Is A Safety In What I Do Because I'm Always The Idiot.

We Deserve Quality Lives With Equality.

Quality Of Life

I Don't Wanna Be Labeled As Straight Or Labeled As Gay. I Just Want People To Look At Me And See Me As White.

When God Gives You Aids - And God Does Give You Aids, By The Way - Make Lemonaids.

You Can Be Hitler And Go To Confession And Say Forgive Me, Father, I Killed Six Million Jews, And The Priest Would Just Be Like No Problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler Goes To Heaven.

It Feels Weird In Our Ear Holes To Hear People Worshipping A Guy Named Ron. We Know Rons In Our Life.

Everybody Blames The Jews For Killing Christ, And The Jews Try To Pass It Off On The Romans. I'm One Of The Few People Who Believes It Was The Blacks.

If You Quit Being Cunty, The Whole World Will Stop Being Against You.

I Can Only Speak From My Own Experience, And I Would Say That The Depression I Experienced Feels Like A Chemical Change. When It Came Over Me, When It Comes Over Me, It Feels Like It's Coming Over Me Like A Flu.

I First Did Stand-up When I Was 17, And Then I Passed Out Fliers For A Comedy Club (in New York City) And I Got Onstage Whenever I Could. And Musical Theater Went Out The Window As Soon As I Started Doing Stand-up.

Guess What, Martin Luther King? I Had A Dream, Too.

I Know How To Write. So I Am Not Totally At The Mercy Of Filmmakers, But It's Not A Bad Point.

I’ve Always Had Dreams. When I Was Little, I’d Go To Sleep With My Head On My Hands, Which Were In Fists Like I Was Looking Through A Camera. I Felt Like Sleep Was The Movies - Just Drifting Off To The Movies.

If You Sell The Vatican And You Take That Money And You Use It To Feed Every Single Human Being On The Planet, You Will Get Cah-azy Pussy. All The Pussy. I Don't Mean Literally. That Might Not Be Your Cup Of Tea. I Don't Know What Your Version Of 'all The Pussy' Is. But You'll Get All The Pussy.

I Grew Up In A House Where There Were No Taboos, So It Came Originally From A Pretty Innocent Place, Where I Was Shocked At The Things That Shocked People.

I Think That Whenever A Jew Has Any Kind Of Notoriety, Good Or Bad, The Jews Find It To Be Good.

If I Have Kids, I'll Adopt.

I Have Lows, You Know, Everybody Does ... But I Kind Of Know How To Handle It. I Like To Let Myself Wallow In It. I Enforce It With Terribly Sad Music, And It Kind Of Pushes Me Through To The Other Side Eventually, And I Always Know It's Going To Pass.

I Had A Lot Of Depression As A Kid.

Well, I'm Not Afraid To Say Something If I Think It's Funny, Even If It's Harsh Or Racist.

[i'm] Almost Positive There Is No God.

There Is No God

I Was A Bedwetter Until I Was About 15, And It Was Humiliating.

If You Take A Shower With Your Boyfriend, I Guarantee By The Time You Step Out Of That Shower, Your Breasts Will Be Sparkling Clean.

Traditionally, I Have No Right To Talk About Race. I'm White; I Didn't Grow Up In An All-black Neighborhood. But The License I See For Myself Is I'm A Member Of The World.

I Am 39 Years Old, And I Still Wake Up Every Morning Really Excited I Don't Have To Go To School.

I Don't Need A Lot Of Space.

I Talk To Friends Who Get Their Feelings Hurt When They Read Twitter Mentions. I Have An Amazing Solution - Don't Read Twitter Mentions.

I Don't Think Half My Stuff Would Be Funny If The Audience Didn't Feel At Least A Little Bit Safe That It's Not How I Truly Feel.

I Will Always Try To Be Happy. I Don’t Think People Really Understand The Value Of Happiness Until They Know What It’s Like To Be In That Very, Very Dark Place. It’s Not Romantic. Not Even A Little.

I Don't Really Like Saying "the Gays"... I'm Not Sure Why. I Suppose I Say "the Jews." But I Don't Say "the Blacks." I Guess Because I'm A Jew For All Intents And Purposes And To Group People Together Of Which I Am Not One In Such A Casual Way Feels Disrespectful.

In Your Twenties, I Think You Should Have All Of The Sex That You're Inclined To Have, As Long As You're Safe About It. Use Condoms And Everything. Go With Your Instincts. This Is The Time To Have A Lot Of Sex And Do Drugs. But Make Sure You Live Through It.

I Remember The Horror Story That I Told Myself Over And Over Again. I'm Totally Alone In My Body. I'm Totally Alone In My Head And Nobody Will Ever See Through My Eyes. I'm Just Completely Alone.

It's Really Stupid To Defend Your Own Jokes. That Is For Other People To Do If They Choose To.

Some People Say My Humor Focuses Too Much On Stereotypes. It Doesn't. It Focuses On Facts.

People Who Like What I Do Come In All Shapes And Sizes. Not Sure What The Common Denominator Is Per Se. Oh, It's Meeee! But To Be Embraced By A Progressive Community Means Something To Me And This One Feels Like Home.

I Think The Difference Between Being Miserable And Finding Happiness Is Just A Matter Of Perspective. If You Live Your Life Defining Yourself By What Other People Think Of You, It's A Form Of Self-torture.

Making My Family Laugh When I Was Little - It Became An Addiction. It Was A Kind Of Survival.

The Best Time To Have A Baby Is When You're A Black Teenager.

I Think I've Been Called Edgy - But In All Honesty, There Is A Safety In What I Do Because I'm Always The Idiot. Unless You're Just Listening To Buzz Words And Not Taking Into Account The Context Of The Situation, You See I'm Always The Ignoramus.

As Soon As A Woman Is Old Enough To Have An Opinion And Have A Voice And Be Unafraid, She's Very Much Encouraged By All Sorts Of People To Crawl Under A Rock And Die. And It's So Weird. My Crime Is Not Dying.

Being With Friends Felt Like A Burden. I Remember Just Sobbing.

When I Was 9 Or 10 Years Old, My Dad Took Me Over To A Neighboring Farm To Help Get Stuff For The Meal. The Farmer, Vic, Told Me To Look At All The Turkeys And Pick One Out. I Saw A Cute One With A Silly Walk And Cried, 'him!' Before My Pointing Finger Had Even Dropped To My Side, Vic Had Grabbed The Turkey By The Neck And Slit [the Animal's] Throat. Blood And Feathers Went Flying. I Had Sentenced That Turkey To Death! Up Until Then, I Didn't Know Where Meat Came From—and I've Been A Vegetarian Ever Since.

I Happen To Think That There Are Already Tons Of Perfectly Good Babies Out There Already Born.

Everyone's Got Their Own Velocity, And There's No Real Time Frame With Comedy.

She, Uh, Came Out Of The Closet Recently, My Niece. Um... She Announced To The Family That She's A Lesbian And... She's Seven, Did I Mention That? And, Uh, I Don't Even Know If She Knows What A Lesbian Is, But I Support Her Completely. And, Uh... I'll Tell You What's Heartbreaking. My Sister Punished Her For It. Can You Believe That? No Pussy For A Week. Which To Us May Not Sound Like... But When You're Seven, You Know, A Week Is A Long Time.

Like I Said About Seinfeld And Chris Rock, They're A Great Combination Of Brilliance And Hard Work. [but] There Are People Who Are Brilliant And Don't Work Hard, And There Are People Who Are Brilliant And Sabotage Themselves.

I Don't Get This Shitty Attitude That Only Gays Should Care About Gay Issues And Only Women Should Care About Women's Issues.

Comics Who Grew Up Surviving Their Childhood By Being Able To Be The First One To Make The Joke About Their Weight Or Their Hairy Arms - Like Me - Whatever They're Insecure About, Whatever They're Apologizing For, That Becomes Their Strength.

My Stepfather, John O'hara, Was The Goodest Man There Was. He Was Not A Man Of Many Words, But Of Carefully Chosen Ones. He Was The One Parent Who Didn't Try To Fix Me. One Night I Sat On His Lap In His Chair By The Wood Stove, Sobbing. He Just Held Me Quietly And Then Asked Only, "what Does It Feel Like?" It Was The First Time I Was Prompted To Articulate It. I Thought About It, Then Said, "i Feel Homesick." That Still Feels Like The Most Accurate Description - I Felt Homesick, But I Was Home.

In The '80s Especially, A Lot Of Comedians Felt Compelled To Stick With What Made Them Famous And Those People Became Caricatures.

You're Supposed To Have Friends You Can Tell Anything To.

I Really Think Everything Is Fair Game.

People Say, Like, "i Love When You Smile Because Part Of Your Mouth Goes Up," Then I Never Organically Smile Again.

You Want To Make People Laugh And By Virtue Of That Please Them, But When You're Instructed To Make People Laugh And Please Them, You're Too Resentful To Do It.

By The Time I Would Have Graduated, At 22, I Was A Writer And Featured Performer On Saturday Night Live.

You Know, I Think Whatever A Comic Talks About Onstage Is All They Talk About Offstage.

Drew Friedman Isn't Just A Brilliant Artist. He Takes You To A Place. He Takes You Back In Time. He Makes You Smell The Stale Cigarettes And Cold Brisket And You Say, Thank You For The Pleasure.

Unvisited Tombstones, Unread Diaries, And Erased Video Game High-score Rankings Are Three Of The Most Potent Symbols Of Mankind's Pathetic And Fruitless Attempts At Immortality.

I Don't Want To Deconstruct What I Do.

The Sun Shines Directly On This Great Country, And It Can Be Harvested, It's Not Owned By Anybody. It's Something The Jews And The Palestinians Share And Could Work Together To Make The Whole World A Better Place, Not Just This Middle East Stuff, But The Whole World.

I Like To Think Of Myself As 'hot-larious' I'm Cute, But I'm Totally Approachable.

When I Was Three, My Dad Thought It Would Be Hilarious To Teach Me Swear Words, Then Have Me Say Them To His Friends. They Would Laugh And Laugh. I Realize Now The Laugh Was Pure Shock Value, But It Felt Really Good, And I've Been Chasing It Ever Since.

There Are So Many Great Comedies, Right Now. I Like How Comedies Are Really Mixing. They're Not Just One Thing. It Can Be Very Moving And Dramatic, And Yet Hilarious.

I Became Known For Surprising Audiences. Except Now, If I Surprise Them Every Time, They Expect That.

You Want The Actors To Disappear Into Roles And Stay Under The Radar, And That Gets Harder When Someone Is Known For Their Actual Personality, Or Who They Seem To Be.

Jews Are The Most Liberal, Scrappy, Civil-rightsy People There Are.

This Is Aids. Aids Is As Real As An Egg.

I Do Love Poop. I Can't Help It. The Heart Wants What It Wants. I Enjoy Being Clever And Pithy And Political, But Nothing's Going To Get Me Like Dumb Stuff.

I Don't Believe In Jesus Or God. But I Do Believe That Fundamentalists In Religion Or Anything Else Are Bad, And That They Have More Hate Than Love.

I Still Have Highs And Lows, Maybe I Don't Cry Salty Tears As Much.

I'm Personally Not Into A Guy Who Wears Pedal Pushers And A Necklace.

I Like My Life Alone.

Smells Definitely Do Have A Crazy Impact On Me.

I'm Lucky A Couple Of Filmmakers Have Seen Beyond What You're Saying.

I Have No Religion. But Culturally I Can't Escape It; I'm Very Jewish.

We Need To Stop Telling Girls They Can Be Anything They Want When They Grow Up. Because It Would Have Never Occurred To Them That They Couldn't.

I'm So Glad Courtney Love Is Here; I Left My Crack In My Other Purse.

I Do Love The Idea Of Ritual.

What Makes Disney Movies And Pixar Movies Always So Good, Hey Take Time And They're Constantly Honing, And Tweaking, And Rejiggering Things, And Taking Influences From Every Cog, Including Myself, That Can Help. Any Place Where There Can Be Inspiration. They Make Every Moment Very Layered And Very Rich.

Look At The People Who Are Kind Of The Funniest Cultures, They're The Cultures Of The People Who Have Been The Most Oppressed, Black People And Jews. Not That They're The Only Funny People, But Culturally, It Comes From The Pain, You Know?

I Love Children. I'm Embarrassingly Baby-crazy.

I Don't Think Comedy Comes From Hotbeds Of Doing Shtick. I Think It Usually Comes From Some Kind Of Childhood Humiliation Or Darkness.

I'm All Sentimental. I've Probably Been Ruined By Romantic Movies, But I Really Do Believe In Love. I've Experienced It, I've Had It, So I Know It's Real.

I Can See Myself Adopting. I'm Not In A Rush To Do It. I'm 39, I Know, But I Do Love Kids, And I'm Very Good - I've Got A Lot Of Really Good Moves.

I've Never Had An Abortion. And I Don't Know If I Would. But, It Doesn't Mean That I Wouldn't Fight To The Death For Women To Make Their Own Choices For Their Own Human Bodies.

It's Funny How People Will Think I'm Being Sarcastic A Lot And Joking. So I'll Say, "i Like Your Dress," And They'll Go "(bleep) You!" Or I Say Something Serious And They Go, "oh, Yeah, Ha-ha." They're Strangers. They're People Who Know Me From Comedy, But Luckily I Am On Pretty Much All The Time!

I Don't Like People Whose Job It Isn't To Be Funny, To Tell Me What Is And Isn't Funny.

I'm Doing Stuff On Kaballah And Scientology And A Little Bit More Racial Stuff, For Good Measure.

I Was Raped By A Doctor. Which Is, You Know, So Bittersweet For A Jewish Girl.

People Say I'm A Nice Girl Saying Terrible Things. I Tend To Say The Opposite Of What I Think. You Hope That The Absolute Power Of That Transcends, And Reaches The Audience.

Your Inability To See Yourself Clearly Is What's Keeping You Alive.

Some Things Are Just For Private. It's Like People Thinking I'm Cold Or This Or That. It's Unfortunate, But I Don't Need Strangers To Know That I'm Warm. I Don't Need Strangers To Know The Real Me.

People Can't Help What Topics Cut Them Deep. It All Depends On Who's Inferring - And What The Contexts Of Their Lives Are At The Time.

I Don't Compromise. I Only Do The Stuff I Want To Do.

I Have A Ton Of Holocaust Stuff, And Some Of It Is Really Hard Core.

One Of The Greatest Things My Therapist Said To Me ... And It Really Blew My Mind In The Greatest Way, He Just Said, "look In The Mirror Less."

Earlier In My Career, I Was Really Tight, Really Together, And Knew Who I Was And I Was Confident. I Kind Of Feel In Between Now.

Men Like To Squash You. I Just Want Someone Who's Happy With Himself, Happy With His Life. He Doesn't Have To Squash Mine.

I Learned That People In Wheelchairs Are Allowed To Have Marathons … Which, To Me, Seems Like Cheating, But What Are You Gonna Say?

The Reason The Rest Of Us Remember, Like, When John Lennon Died, Is Because It's A Moment When Adrenaline Is Surging.

The Audience Works As Such A Mob. They Either All Laugh Or All Don't Laugh, And, You Know, Changes From Audience To Audience.

I Think When You're 25 You're Still Finding Yourself, And You Should Have The Freedom Of That.

Finding Yourself

We Live In A Fun Time With So Many Ways To Express Yourself, You Would Be Crazy To Be A Comedian And Not Check Them All Out.

Dear America, When You Tell Gay Americans That They Can't Serve Their Country Openly Or Marry The Person That They Love, You're Telling That To Kids Too. So Don't Be F**king Shocked And Wonder Where All These Bullies Are Coming From That Are Torturing Young Kids And Driving Them To Kill Themselves Because They're Different; They Learned It From Watching You.

Since So Many People These Days Don't Seem To Start Their Families Until Around Age Forty, I Predict There Will Be Less Child Beating, But More Slipped Disks From Lifting Babies Out Of Cribs. Even The Father Of Advanced Age Who's Not Inclined To Spare The Rod Is Likely To Suffer More Than His Victim: The First Punch He Throws Might Well Be The Last Straw For His Rotator Cuff, Reducing His Disciplinary Options To Mere Verbal Abuse And Napping.

But I Think You Can Make Fun Of Anything As Long As It's Funny Enough.

The Good News Is Hopeful Doesn't Mean Dumb. The Bad News Is Cynical Doesn't Mean Smart.

I Am Jewish And Proud Of This Culturally And Ethnically - The Ways In Which I Was Born This Way And Am Happy With Whom I Am.

And Then Before Going Back For My Sophomore Year, I Decided To Change My Major To Arts And Sciences, And My Dad Cut A Deal With Me: He Said If I'd Quit School He'd Pay My Rent For The Next Three Years, As If I Were In School.

I Love Making Videos On My Couch. You Can Put Those On The Internet Fast. I Can Express Myself.

The Female Nudity In Movies Is Always Sexualized.

I'd Love To Do Drama If It Was Interesting.

I Think Jews Tend To Hold Me In Fairly High Regard.

If My Catholic Boyfriend And I Ever Have A Kid, We'll Just Be Honest With It. We'll Say That Mommy Is One Of God's Chosen People, And Daddy Believes That Jesus Is Magic!

I Got Jury Duty And I Didn't Want To Go, So My Friend Said, "you Should Write Something Really Really Racist On The Form When You Return It. Like, You Should Put 'i Hate Chinks'." And I Said, "i'm Not Going To Put That On There Just To Get Out Of Jury Duty. I Don't Want People To Think That About Me." So Instead I Wrote, "i Love Chinks." And Who Doesn't?

I Started Out In Clubs, And I've Always Liked Clubs. I Like Theaters Because People Are There For The Show.

I Have No Religion, But I Can't Escape Being Extremely Jewish Ethnically - That Is, Culturally. In Other Words, I'm Not Religious, But I Worry And I'm Neurotic. And I'm Very Good With Money.

I Was Going To Get An Abortion The Other Day. I Totally Wanted An Abortion. And It Turns Out I Was Just Thirsty.

I Do Enjoy And Feel Compelled To Talk About Things That Are Taboo. One, Because I Think I'm A Troublemaker Inside, If Someone Says, "don't Say That," It's All I Want To Say. And Also, Something I Learned In Therapy ... Which Is Darkness Can't Exist In The Light, And Then That Made Me Think Of Something That Mr. Rogers Said, Which Is, "if It's Mentionable, It's Manageable."

Also, I Learned Whether You Are Gay, Bisexual, It Doesn't Matter, You Know... Because, At The End Of The Day, They're Both Gross. But Mostly, I Learned That Elderly Black Women Are Wise Beyond Their Years... But Younger Black Women Are Prostitutes.

I Think Fake Boobs Have Done Great Things For Real Boobs. I Think People Finally Appreciate Real Boobs. People Like Real Boobs. I Do. I Also Enjoy The Fact That They Are Life-nourishers.

I'll Be Back. I'll Be Black. I'll Be White Black.

Anything Television Trivia I'm Good At. But When You're On Your Couch, You're Really Good At It, But When You're Standing There, It's Probably Scary.

If You Decide To Do Comedy That Involves Risk, Risk Means Risk, And You Can't Complain Of Flesh Wounds If You Sit Down At The Table To Play.

I Feel So Confident And Awesome And Sexy When I'm With People Who Are Older Than Me, And I've Always Been Surrounded By People Who Are Older Than Me. But To Be Vital In Comedy, You Have To Exist In A World That's Dominated By Young People.

I Was Paralyzed With Fear. It Was Unbearable To Be Among Other Kids Who Were Just Standing Around Being Fine. It Was One Of The Many Inconveniences Of This Paradox I Lived With -the More People I Was Surrounded By, The More Frighteningly Alone I Felt.

I Don't Think There Is A Woman In Her 40s Who Doesn't, Kind Of, Examine Herself In The Mirror.

I Don't Set Out To Offend Or Shock, But I Also Don't Do Anything To Avoid It.

I Just Look Like A Transvestite When I Try To Dress Up. There's No Place To Hide My Balls.

Strippers Should Be Role-models For Little Girls. If Only For The Fact That They Wax Their Assholes.

I Gave Him A Compliment! All Right, I Told Him He Probably Would've Made, Like, A Really Expensive Slave In The, Like, In The Olden-timey Days.

Nothing Is Taboo If You Have An Angle On It.

Letting Your Freak Flag Fly Is Something, No Matter Who You Are, That Takes Great Bravery, Straight Up.

I Love Going To Weddings. And I Love It When My Friends Get Married. I'm Not Against Marriage But It's Just Not For Me. I'm A Vegetarian, But I Don't Have A Problem If You Want A Hamburger.

Summer Camp: The Second Worst Camp For Jews.

The Worst Thing That Can Happen For People Who Don't Want Women To Be Strong Is That We Help Each Other And Become A Force.

I'd Rather Have A Girl Exposed To Me Than 25 Women In Prom Dresses Vying For A Stranger.

Someone On Twitter Sent Me A Page From A Textbook. It Had A Picture Of A Football Player Next To A Picture Of Me. The Juxtaposition Was Meant To Illustrate Two Meanings Of "offensive." Seriously. It Broke My Heart. It's That Accepted What I Do Is Offensive?

When You're A Comic, It's Like Being Born Gay. It's What You Want To Do Every Night When Your Other Friends Are Out At Night Going To Parties.

I Didn't Lose My Virginity Until I Was Twenty-six. Nineteen Vaginally, But Twenty-six What My Boyfriend Calls "the Real Way".

I Hope The Jews Did Kill Christ, I'd Do It Again In A Second.

Everyone Self-googles. And, I Have, Of Course, The Google Alert.

I Like Talking About Things That Are Taboo, Because It Makes Them Not Taboo Anymore.

When I Came Out To L. A., I Got A Part In An Episode Of 'star Trek: Voyager,' And I Hired An Acting Coach.

Comedy Is About Talking About My Own Experience, And I'm A Woman, And That's My Experience, And Just Because It Isn't Yours Doesn't Invalidate It.

They've Got Great Parents; I'm Just Trying To Be The Fun Uncle.

I Do Know That I Can Take A Punch. I've Been Punched In The Face Three Times. That's, I Think, A Really Important Thing To Know About Yourself. It Helps You In Life. It Helps You Be Brave When You Know You Can Take A Punch. I'm A Lover, Not A Fighter. But, God Bless Me, I Can Take A Punch.

I'll Tell You Why We Make Fun Of Midgets: We're Not Afraid Of Them.

Jews, Black People - Any People Who Are Hated Or Who Have Suffered, Either As Individuals Or As A People - Use Humour. It Is A Survival Skill.

People Who Follow Their Religion To The Letter Of The Law Are Just Silly. I Mean, I Want To Tell Hasidic Jews I Promise You, God Will Not Mind If You Wear A Nice Cotton Blend In The Summer.

I Tend To Be More Arrogant On Stage. Far More Ignorant. I Sometimes Say What I Think And Sometimes Say The Opposite Of What I Think And The Lines Get Blurred, But I Can Only Hope That Some Kind Of Absolute Power Transcends.

Growing Up, I Always Loved Disney Movies, But The First Movie I Remember Seeing Is 'sleepers,' So I Wasn't Really Taken To Children's Movies.

When You’re A Bed Wetter There’s Only One Group Of People You Can Feel Better Than, Bed Shitters, And Unfortunately They’re Hard To Come By.

Why Would I Become Involved With Something That Doesn't Include Everyone? If You're Getting Married Today, It's The Equivalent Of Joining A Country Club That Doesn't Allow Blacks Or Jews.

I Remember My First Standup Act When I Was Seventeen; I Did A Really Lame Song About Being Flat Chested. I Was Doing It In New York, And I Remember Kevin Brennan, The Guy I Lost My Virginity To, Was Like "that Song Doesn't Make Sense, You Have Tits."

Sometimes A Joke That Doesn't Work Just Needs A Breath Or A Little Word Or The Tiniest Little Change To Be Fixed.

Scientology Is Weird Because It's New.

My Dad Was A Bedwetter; I Think His Dad Was A Bedwetter. I Like To Talk About It Because It's Something That I Thought Would Be My Deepest, Darkest Secret My Whole Life, And Then You Become An Adult, And It's Not.

I Was Sent To Sleepover Camp Since I Was 6, And You Know, It's A Recipe For Disaster.

If I Were Somebody Else Looking At My Character, I'd Be Like, "she's Beautiful." I'm Practicing. I'm Not Succeeding.

People Are Always Introducing Me As Sarah Silverman, Jewish Comedienne. I Hate That! I Wish People Would See Me For Who I Really Am — I'm White!

I'm A Very Ritualistic Person. I Have To Wash My Face Twice, And On The Second Wash Before I Rinse, I Brush My Teeth, Then I Rinse, Then I Floss, Then I Put On Moisturizer. I'm Ritualistic. Jewishness Is Very Ritualistic.

If We Can Send A Person To The Moon, We Can Send Someone With Aids To The Moon, And Then Someday We Can Send Everybody With Aids To The Moon.

Comedy Can't Live Within My Second-guesses, So I Started Doing New Material. Sometimes I Bombed. But You Have To Be Willing To If You Want To Move Forward And Stay Vital. It's Like People Who Take Pride In Not Having A Computer. I'm All, "great, Don't Learn New Things! Your Brain Is Full!"

I Like Trying Jokes And Seeing The Response, And If I End Up Doing It In My Act, It Won't Be 140 Characters. Twitter Is Helpful That Way To Me. It's Like A Message In A Bottle. But A Lot Of Times I Think I Tweet The Stuff I Would Like To Say To Teenage Me.

I'm A Total One-hour Drama Addict. I Think When You're A Comedian, You Tend Towards Dramas Because That's The Less Stressful Thing To Watch.

The Truth Is, I've Denied It For Years, But I Love Deconstructing Comedy.

I Can Get A Script And Go, "well, I'd Rather Do Stand-up." I Don't Hold Movies In Higher Regard. I Love Making Videos And Posting. I Love Tv.

I Don't Care If You Think I'm Racist. I Just Want You To Think I'm Thin.

When I Was 17, I Read A Profile Of Carol Leifer. Since Then, I Wanted To Be Her. I Still Want To Be Her.

I Can't Cater To Everyone's Needs And What They're Going To Be Offended By; That's One Freedom I Have.

I Always Look At Myself Knowing That I Will Have A Certain Degree Of Cognitive Distortion.

I Looked Up And Saw The Shape Of A Heart Made By The Silhouette Of Ben Affleck And Matt Damon Kissing.

Don't Tell Girls They Can Be Anything They Want When They Grow Up. Because It Would Have Never Occurred To Them That They Couldn't. It's Like Saying, 'hey, When You Get In The Shower, I'm Not Gonna Read Your Diary.' 'wait--are You Gonna Read My Diary?' 'no! I Said I'm Not Gonna Read Your Diary. Go Take A Shower!'

It's Just Hard To Say, "well, I Do This, Which Means This." If I'm Telling You Exactly Who I Am, Then There's Nothing For The Audience To Say.

I Don't Really Care For Like Fat Jokes About Women, Specifically.

I'm So Much More Famous Than I Am Financially Successful. I Mean, I Live In A Three-room Apartment. I Mostly Make Free Videos On My Couch. But I Am Fine.

I've Always Kept My Overhead Low So I Could Do Whatever I Want. I Think Of Myself As Lazy With Spurts Of Getting A Lot Done. I Find Myself Rooting Against Things Sometimes Because I Get Excited At The Thought Of A Clean Slate.

I Can't Wait Till Sunday, I'm Gonna See My Favorite Niece And My Other Niece.

Jesus Is Magic, Because He Turned Water Into Wine. I Think He Made The Statue Of Liberty Disappear In The 80s Or Something.

In The Big Picture, Life Has A Gap In It. It Just Does. You Don't Go Crazy Trying To Fill It.

I Was Minnie Mouse For Halloween, Every Year When I Was Little. Then, I Had The Cinderella Nightgown, When I Was Really Little, That I Begged My Mother To Wear To School. I Was Also Snow White A Lot.

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