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Now, Mama, Papa, And Sir," Said Ramses, "please Withdraw To The Farthest Corner And Crouch Down With Your Backs Turned. It Is As I Feared; We Will Never Break Through By This Method. The Walls Are Eight Feet Thick. Fortunately I Brought Along A Little Nitroglycerin--" "oh, Good Gad," Shrieked Inspector Cuff.

-Barbara Mertz

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Now, Mama, Papa, And

Barbara Mertz

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Now, Mama, Papa, And Sir," Said Ramses, "please Withdraw To The Farthest Corner And Crouch Down With Your Backs Turned. It Is As I Feared; We Will Never Break Through By This Method. The Walls Are Eight Feet Thick. Fortunately I Brought Along A Little Nitroglycerin--" "oh, Good Gad," Shrieked Inspector Cuff.

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Nothing Looks As Self-satisfied As A Contented Cat.

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I Have Learned That Particularly Clever Ideas Do Not Always Stand Up Under Close Scrutiny.

Noble Causes Have A Deplorable Effect On The Morals Of The Persons Who Espouse Them.

Writing Is Like A Bird-watcher Watching For Birds: The Stories Are There: You Just Have To Train Yourself To Look For Them.

I Have No Writing Habit. I Work When I Feel Like It, And I Work When I Have To - Mostly The Latter.

Conventional History Completely Ignores Half The Human Race.

Everything Has Happened Before - Not Once, But Over And Over Again. We May Not Be Able To Solve Our Problems Through What Are Pompously Called "the Lessons Of History," But At Least We Should Be Able To Recognize The Issues And Perhaps Avoid Some Of The Solutions That Have Failed In The Past. And We Can Take Heart In Our Own Dilemma By Realizing That Other People In Other Times Have Survived Worse.

There Is Nothing Sadder Than The Cheerful Letters Of The Dead, Expressing Hopes That Were Never Fulfilled, Ambitions That Were Never Achieved, Dreams Cut Off Before They Could Come To Fruition.

He Hesitated For A Moment. Then He Said Softly, "i Love You, Mother." He Took My Hand And Kissed It, And Folded My Fingers Round The Stem Of The Rose. He Had Stripped It Of Its Thorns.

Sekhmet Crawled Onto Ramses's Lap And Began To Purr. 'the Creature Oozes Like A Furry Slug,' Said Ramses, Eyeing It Without Favor.

A Man Asking For Help Ought To At Least Give Directions.

Asking For Help

Many Persons Lead Lives Of Crushing Boredom.

I Would Never Have Supposed That Inexperienced Girl Was Capable Of Such Cold-blooded, Calculating Manipulation!

Who Are We Really? Combinations Of Common Chemicals That Perform Mechanical Actions For A Few Years Before Crumbling Back Into The Original Components? Fresh New Souls, Drawn At Random For Some Celestial Cupboard Where God Keeps An Unending Supply?or The Same Soul, Immortal And Eternal, Refurbished And Reused Through Endless Lives, By That Thrifty Housekeeper? In Her Wisdom And Benevolence She Wipes Off The Memory Slates, As Part Of The Cleaning Process, Because If We Could Remember All The Things We Have Experienced In Earlier Lives, We Might Object To Risking It Again.

Peculiar Or Not, It Is My Idea Of Pleasure. Why, Why Else Do You Lead This Life You Don't Enjoy It? Don't Talk Of Duty To Me; You Men Always Have Some High-sounding Excuse For Indulging Yourselves. You Go Gallivanting Over The Earth, Climbing Mountains, Looking For The Sources Of The Nile; And Expect Women To Sit Dully At Home Embroidering. I Embroider Very Badly. I Think I Would Excavate Rather Well.

I Do Hope You Have Some Money. I'm Getting Tired Of Hitting People.

To Argue Without Knowledge Is Like Trying To Weave Without Thread.

I Had Refused Emerson's Well-meant Offers Of Assistance, Knowing His Efforts Would Be Confined To Moving The Furniture To The Wrong Places And Demanding How Much Longer The Process Would Take.

A Fondness For Martyrdom, Especially Of The Verbal Variety, Is Common To The Young.

There Was No Warning, Not Even A Knock. The Door Flew Open, And He Forgot His Present Aches And Pains In Anticipation Of What Lay In Store. The Figure That Stood In The Door Was Not That Of An Enemy. It Was Worse. It Was His Mother.

Another Dead Body. Every Year It Is The Same. Every Year, Another Dead Body.

Getting An Idea For A Book Is Not The Problem, But You Need 300 Ideas - An Idea A Page.

Since I Am Not As Stupid As My Children Believe I Am, I Had Immediately Realized This Might Be A Ruse, But I Was Not At All Averse To A Confrontation. In Fact, I Had Been Hoping For Some Such Thing.

It Was Hate At First Sight, Clean, Pure And Strong As Grain Alcohol.

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That's Maturity-when You Realize That You've Finally Arrived At A State Of Ignorance As Profound As Your Parents.

Spring Is Always Cruel, With Its False Promise Of Resurrection.

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Superstition Has Its Practical Uses.

People Who Relate What They Believe To Be New And Startling Information Like To Have Such Information Received With Exclamations Of Astonishment And Admiration.

Humor Is An Excellent Method Of Keeping A Tight Rein On Unproductive Displays Of Emotion.

You Are Softening Toward The Young Rascal Because He Is Ill, And Because He Says He Likes Cats." "it Is An Engaging Quality, Emerson." "that Depends," Said Emerson Darkly, "on How He Likes Them.

I Don't Think She Realized How Much She Cared For Him, Or He For Her, Until The End. Hasn't Someone Said A Woman May Be Known By The Men Who Love Her Enough To Die For Her? (if They Haven't, I Claim The Credit Myself.)

It May Take Us A Little Longer To Reach The Summit, But Never Fear, We Will Get There!

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When Emotion Supersedes Reason ... Gullibility Must Follow.

If All Else Fails, We Will Simply Have To Drug Our Attendants, Overpower The Guards, Raise The Oppressed Peasants To Arms, And Take Over The Government.

But The Dust! And The Clutter! My Housewifely And Scholarly Instincts Were Equally Offended.

I Would Not Be At All Surprised To Find That It Was For Gold That Cain Committed The First Murder. (it Happened A Very Long Time Ago, And Holy Writ, Though No Doubt Divinely Inspired, Is A Trifle Careless About Details. God Is Not A Historian).

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Your Trousers Are On Fire. I Would Have Told You, But You So Dislike Advice.

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When Men Start Talking About 'honor', There Is Sure To Be Trouble Ahead.

Now, Mama, Papa, And Sir," Said Ramses, "please Withdraw To The Farthest Corner And Crouch Down With Your Backs Turned. It Is As I Feared; We Will Never Break Through By This Method. The Walls Are Eight Feet Thick. Fortunately I Brought Along A Little Nitroglycerin--" "oh, Good Gad," Shrieked Inspector Cuff.

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I Sometimes Wonder What It Would Be Like To Be The Respected Patriarch Of An Ordinary English Family." "very Boring, Emerson.

Money Was The Manure Of Politics.

..he Continues To Cling To The Forlorn Hope That I Will Turn Into One Of Those Swooning Females...and Fling Myself Squeeling At Him Whenever Anything Happens. Like All Men, He Clings To His Illusions.

No Woman Really Wants A Man To Carry Her Off; She Only Wants Him To Want To Do It.

There Is Nothing Like A Garden To Rest The Soul.

It Is Easier To Counterfeit Old Age Than Youth.

Ramses Had Always Been Fond Of Helen, In His Peculiar Fashion, But If He Had Looked At Me As He Was Looking At Her, I Would Have Sent For A Constable.

The Opportunity To Lecture Had Restored My Good Humor.

I Knew The Answer, And--of Course--so Did Ramses. He Has Superb Breath Control And Always Gets In Ahead Of Me.

It Is Much More Sensible To Be An Optimist Instead Of A Pessimist, For If One Is Doomed To Disappointment, Why Experience It In Advance?

I Will Tell You A Little Secret About Archaeologists, Dear Reader. They All Pretend T Be Very High-minded. They Claim That Their Sole Aim In Excavation Is To Uncover The Mysteries Of The Past And Add To The Store Of Human Knowledge. They Lie. What They Really Want Is A Spectacular Discovery, So They Can Get Their Names In The Newspapers And Inspire Envy And Hatred In The Hearts Of Their Rivals.

The Only Way To Do It Is To Do It: By Writing, Writing, Writing.

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