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My Three Favorite Travel Writers Of All Time Are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, And Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying Not Only Tells The Truth About The Travel-writing Racket, It Gets To The Heart Of Some Of The Travel Industry's Best-kept Secrets.

-Kinky Friedman

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My Three Favorite Travel

Kinky Friedman

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My Three Favorite Travel Writers Of All Time Are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, And Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying Not Only Tells The Truth About The Travel-writing Racket, It Gets To The Heart Of Some Of The Travel Industry's Best-kept Secrets.

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More From Kinky Friedman

We've Had To Be Creative To Get On The Ballot.

I Want To Be Governor [of Texas] Because I Need The Closet Space.

You've Got To Find What You Love And Let It Kill You. I Don't Think Any Of Us Should Ever Forget That.

I Was So High, I Needed A Stepladder To Scratch My Own Ass.

If Jesus Christ Had Run As An Independent, Rick Perry Would Have Beat Him.

The Good Teachers Are Bailing Out. Education Is Very Important.... This Should Be The Centerpiece On The Table Of Texas.

I Just Want Texas To Be Number One In Something Other Than Executions, Toll Roads And Property Taxes.

Happiness Is A Moving Target.

I Want To Fight The Wussification Of The State Of Texas. I Want To Rise And Shine And Bring Back The Glory.

When A Stray Animal Crosses Your Path, It May Be As Close To God As You're Going To Get In This Lifetime.

The Distance Between The Limousine And The Gutter Is A Short One.

And I Think Musicians Can Better Run This State Than Politicians. And, Hell, Beauticians Can Better Run The State Than Politicians.

We've Got To Clear Some Of The Room Out Of The Prisons So We Can Put The Bad Guys In There, Like The Pedophiles And The Politicians.

Sleep Came Slower Than A Frigid Woman.

Remember: Y'all Is Singular. All Y'all Is Plural. All Y'all's Is Plural Possessive.

The Art Of Writing Fiction Is To Sail As Dangerously Close To The Truth As Possible Without Sinking The Ship

It Wasn't A Healthy Attitude, But It Wasn't Really A Healthy World.

I'm Also For Gay Marriage, Because I Say They Have Every Right To Be Just As Miserable As The Rest Of Us. Love Is Bigger Than Government. And Texas, By The Way, Has A Very Progressive Law About Gay Couples Adopting Kids. We Just Won't Let Them Get Married. So That's Not Common Sense.

On The Whole I Prefer Cats To Women Because Cats Seldom If Ever Use The Word 'relationship'.

I've Been In True Love Many Times. I Just Try To Avoid It As Much As Possible. For If There's One Thing I Know About True Love, It Is That Sooner Or Later, It Results In A Hostage Situation.

If Raymond Chandler Came From The South, His Name Would Be Ace Atkins.

If Willie Nelson Had Been Rosa Parks, There Never Would Have Been A Civil Rights Movement In This Country, Because He Refuses To Leave The Back Of The Bus.

Simón Bolívar Is The Only Person In History To Be Exiled From A Country Named After Him.

I Don't Feel Bad About Losing.

I Came From An Upper-middle Class Home, Which Is Always A Hard Cross For A Country Singer To Bear.

Like Most Of Us, I Determined That I'd Rather Be A Large Part Of The Problem Than A Small Part Of The Solution.

The Democrats And Republicans Are The Same Guy Admiring Themself In The Mirror.

People May Surprise You With Unexpected Kindness. Dogs Have A Depth Of Loyalty That Often We Seem Unworthy Of. But The Love Of A Cat Is A Blessing, A Privilege In This World.

The Reason Educational Spending In Texas Is So Low Is Because You Don't Have A State Tax There, And That's Why Texas Is Big Growth Because You Don't Tax People To Death.

I'll Keep Us Out Of War With Oklahoma!

If You're Lookin' For A Helpin' Hand, Try The One At The End Of Your Arm.

I'd Felt That A Man Without A Woman Was Like A Neck Without A Pain.

Wandering Around Back Stage At A Willie Nelson Concert Is A Bit Like Being The Parrot On The Shoulder Of The Guy Who's Running The Ferris Wheel. It's Not The Best Seat In The House, But You See Enough Lights, Action, People, And Confusion To Make You Wonder If Anybody Knows What The Hell's Going On. If You're Sitting Out Front, Of Course, It All Rolls Along As Smoothly As A German Train Schedule, But As Willie, Like Any Great Magician, Would Be The First To Point Out, The Real Show Is Never In The Center Ring. As Willie Always Says, Fortunately, We're Not In Control.

God Created Whiskey To Keep The Irish From Taking Over The World.

My Goal As A Young Man, To Be Fat, Famous And Financially Fixed By 50.

I Believe That Willy Nelson Is The Hillbilly Dalai Lama.

I Believe That Voices Like Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader Should Be Heard. They Don't Have To Be President. Give 'em A Chance.

Sometimes Performing Someone Else's Song Is More Difficult Than Writing Your Own.

They Probably Would've Taken Jesus If He Hadn't Been Nailed Down.

I'm Well Aware That The Nelson Mandelas And The Winston Churchills Of The World Happened By Accident. They Usually Come Out Of Nowhere.

All My Adult Life I've Been In The Practice Of Giving Advice To People Who Are Happier Than I Am.

If You Have The Choice Between Humble And Cocky, Go With Cocky. There's Always Time To Be Humble Later, Once You've Been Proven Horrendously, Irrevocably Wrong.

This Is Called "spiritual Lifting." It's Not Heavy Lifting. The Governor Of Texas Should Not Be Confused With Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's A Powerful Position. The Governor Of Texas Can't Do Any Heavy Lifting Really. It's Not That Powerful A Position.

A Happy Childhood Is The Worst Possible Preparation For Life.

Poly Means More Than One, And Ticks Are Bloodsucking Parasites.

I'm Not Pro-life, And I'm Not Pro-choice. I'm Pro-football.

Well, I Hate To Be The One To Take The Flyswatter To Tinker Bell, But...

Most People, Of Course, Spend Their Lives Caring About The Wrong Things. The Worry About South Africa Or Nicaragua. They Spend So Much Time Finding Themselves That They Lose Their Taxicabs. They Don't See That What Kind Of Napkin You Get At A Delicatessen Is A Matter Of Much Significance In The World Today. That's Why They Don't Get Linen.

Students Don't Know Who Mark Twain Was Because He Wasn't On The Test.

True Love Usually Results In A Hostage Situation.

The Only Thing That Really Differentiates Texas From Any Other Place In The World Is The Proclivity Of Its People To Urinate Outdoors And To Attach A Certain Amount Of Importance To This Popular Pastime.

Man's Ability To Delude Himself Is Infinite.

You Have To Pretend That Your Life Is A Financial Pleasure Even When Your Autographs Are Bouncing.

Friday Night Was The Night Most People Thought They Were Supposed To Have Fun. Trouble Was Most People Didn't Know What Fun Was Or How To Have It, So Things Usually Ended Up Pretty Ugly.

Jerry Jones And Chris Christie Are Probably The Most Important Latent Homosexual Relationship Since Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson.

The First Thing I'll Do If Elected Is Demand A Recount.

William Bennett Is My Patron Saint, One Of Them. Redd Foxx Is Another.

My Definition Of An Artist Is Anyone Who's Ahead Of His Time And Behind On His Rent.

I'm Ready For Anything. That's Probably Why It Never Happens.

I Admit I Was Drinking A Guinness... But I Did Not Swallow.

If You Ain't Texan, I Ain't Got Time For You.

I See An Issue I Like, And I Support It.

When You Record Something, You Never Know Who's Going To Hear It.

You Don't Accomplish Much By Swimming With The Mainstream. Hell, A Dead Fish Can Do That.

This System Is Really Broken. No Child Left Behind Has Really Failed And The Only Way To Solve Education Is To Leave One Governor Behind.

Remember, I'm Not Running Against Rick Perry; I'm Running Against Apathy.

I Don't Apologize To People Who Try To Intimidate.

These Days, There Are Many People Around The World Who Listen To The Songs That Made Me Infamous And Read The Books That Made Me Respectable.

I Suffer From The Curse Of Being Multi-talented. There's No Doubt About It. Politics And Literature Have Gotten In The Way Of Songwriting.

Whether Your Destination Is Heaven Or Hell, You Always Have To Change Planes In Dallas.

The Folks In Mississippi Are Saying, 'thank God For Texas.'

I Want To See A Jew In The White House.

What Has Six Balls And Screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

Yes, I'm A Judeo-christian. Jesus And Moses Are In My Heart. And Both Of Them Were Independents, By The Way.

Now I Have A Cat. Well, That's Not Quite Accurate. A Cat And I Have Each Other.

May The God Of Your Choice Bless You.

I Don't See How The People Who Created The Problem Can Fix It. Texas Is Worth Fighting For, And The Best Way To Fight Is To Get The Politicians Out Of Politics.

I'm Going To Lower The Drinking Age To Eighteen. If You're Old Enough To Die In Iraq, You're Old Enough To Drink.

That's The Government. Having Been A Politician And A Musician, I Can Tell You Which One Is A Higher Calling. If Musicians Ran The Country, It Would Be A Much Different Place. We Wouldn't Get A Lot Done In The Mornings, But We'd Work Late.

If You're Paranoid Long Enough, Sooner Or Later You're Gonna Be Right.

Cuban Cigars Is A Big Expense Because I Do Smoke A Lot Of Them, Eight To 12 A Day, So That Would Be Almost As Bad As A Cocaine Habit, A Hundred Bucks A Day.

But The Most Dangerous Thing In The World In The World Is To Run The Risk Of Waking Up One Morning And Realizing Suddenly That All This Time You've Been Living Without Really And Truly Living And By Then It's Too Late. When You Wake Up To That Kind Of Realization, It's Too Late For Wishes And Regrets. It's Even Too Late To Dream.

An Editor's Job Is To Take Something Great And Make It Good.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.

You Have To Work At It If You Want To Be A Good Smoker. Especially Today With All The Non-smoking World Constantly Harassing You.

I Don't Believe In Carrying A Weapon. If Somebody Wants To Shoot Me, He'll Have To Bring His Own Gun.

The Child-teacher Relationship Is Crucial.

I Even Went So Far As To Become A Southern Baptist For A While, Until I Realized That They Didn't Hold 'em Under Long Enough.

We're All Worm Bait Waiting To Happen. It's What You Do While You Wait That Matters.

Money Can Buy You A Fine Dog, But Only Love Can Make Him Wag His Tail.

I've Got A Head Of Hair Better Than Rick Perry; It's Just Not In A Place I Can Show You.

The Ten Commandments Being Taken Out Of The Public Schools. I Want Them Back.

People Are Drooling For The Truth. They Want Honesty From Politicians, And They're Not Getting It.

The People I Respect All Died Broke And Despairing. They Didn't Leave A Lot Of Hammered Iron Behind Them Like Donald Trump Has Done.

Golf Is The Only Opportunity That Middle-aged Wasps Have To Dress Up Like A Pimp.

I'll Sign Anything Except Bad Legislation.

There Is A Difference Between Who Is Important And Who Is Significant.

I Don't Think I Have Even Achieved Fame. Of Course, Hemingway Says That Fame Is Death's Little Sister.

I Support Gay Marriage. I Believe They Have A Right To Be As Miserable As The Rest Of Us.

If You Elect Me The First Jewish Justice Of The Peace, I'll Reduce The Speed Limits To 54.95!

Musicians Can Run This State Better Than Politicians. We Won't Get A Lot Done In The Mornings, But We'll Work Late And Be Honest.

Always Beware Of People Offering You One-time Money. That Only Works In An Election Year. How Are You Going To Permanently Pay For Education?

When I'm Governor... I'll Be The First Governor With A Listed Telephone Number.

The Main Health Hazard In The World Today Is People Who Don't Love Themselves.

Remember, The Legislature Is The Joke, Not Our Campaign.

How Can You Look At The Texas Legislature And Still Believe In Intelligent Design?

You Struggle With Your Demons And You Conquer Them.

Politics Is The Only Field In Which The More Experience You Have, The Worse You Get.

You Never Marry The Person You First See 'casablanca' With.

May The God Of Your Choice Bless And Keep You. I Respect Him As Long As He Does Not Circumcise Me Anymore.

I'll Tell You Right Now. I'm For Prayer In School.

Prayer In School

I Never Apologize For The Truth. And The Truth Here Is That Racists Come In Many Different Colors.

I Rarely Meddled In The Cat's Personal Affairs And She Rarely Meddled In Mine. Neither Of Us Was Foolish Enough To Attribute Human Emotions To Our Pets.

We're First On Executions. We're 49th In Funding Public Education. We're In A Race With Mississippi For The Bottom, And We're Winning.

Seventeen Publishers Rejected The Manuscript, At Which Time We Knew We Had Something Pretty Hot.

In Six Days The Lord Created The Heavens And The Earth And All The Wonders Therein. There Are Some Of Us Who Feel That He Might Have Taken Just A Little More Time.

We're Going To Make That Lone Star Shine Again.

I'm Too Young For Medicare And Too Old For Women To Care.

Young People Are The Key To This Election.

I'm Not For The Parties. I'm For Texas.

Inspiration Thing Is Important, To Teach The Kids That Jfk Is Not An Airport, Rfk's Not A Stadium, Martin Luther King Ain't A Street

If You're Patient And You Wait Long Enough, Something Will Usually Happen And It'll Usually Be Something You Don't Like.

He Looked A Shade Too Healthy And Nobody Likes That. Particularly In New York.

I've Achieved Many Of My Dreams, And I Want To See That Some Others Get A Chance To, Especially Younger Texans.

Finding A Cat--or Having A Cat Find You--can Change Your World As Much As Marriage, Divorce, Love, Death, Or Even Winning The Lottery Can, And Sometimes More.

My Three Favorite Travel Writers Of All Time Are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, And Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying Not Only Tells The Truth About The Travel-writing Racket, It Gets To The Heart Of Some Of The Travel Industry's Best-kept Secrets.

The System Is Not Perfect. Until It's Perfect, Let's Do Away With The Death Penalty.

There Will Be A Whole New Spirit Blowing Through Texas. There Will Be A Smile On Everybody's Face And A Chill Up The Spine Of Every Politician.

The Only Currency I Value Is The Coin Of The Spirit. That's Very Important In My Life.

Flipping A Coin

If You Gotta Kill Two Birds, Might As Well Get Stoned.

One Thing We Are Sure Of Is There's No One Like Nelson Mandela Out There. That's Too Bad For Us.

There's A Fine Line Between Fiction And Non-fiction And I Think I Snorted It Somewhere In 1979

My Plan Is To Bring Back Like The Bracero Program From 1944 That Ran For 20 Years Where The Mexican Government Vets These People. I Mean, They Pay For It, And They Get Green Cards, And They're Actually Legitimate. And Then Seal The Border.

If You Don't Love Jesus-go To Hell!

Always Respect Your Superiors, If You Have Any.

There Are More Inspirational People In Music Than There Are In Politics.

The Teachers Are Getting Screwed, Blued, And Tattooed By The System.

Well, I Just Said That Jesus And I Were Both Jewish And That Neither Of Us Ever Had A Job, We Never Had A Home, We Never Married And We Traveled Around The Countryside Irritating People.

I Don't Think Where People Come From Is That Important. It Doesn't Matter If You Come From Reality Tv. The Question Is Whether You Can Inspire People.

I Am Not Anti-death Penalty, But I'm Damned Sure Anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

Every Time You See A Beautiful Woman, Just Remember, Somebody Got Tired Of Her.

I'm Not Afraid To Live. I'm Not Afraid To Fail. I'm Not Afraid To Succeed. I'm Not Afraid To Fall In Love. I'm Not Afraid To Be Alone. I'm Just Afraid I Might Have To Stop Talking About Myself For Five Minutes.

Falling In Love

And I'll Tell You Another Thing, You Won't Find Any Candidate That Supports Prayer In School And Gay Marriage. For That Reason Alone, People Should Vote For An Independent-thinking Person.

No Matter Where You Go, You Always See Yourself In The Rearview Mirror.

Rearview Mirror

If You're Going To Be An Artist, You Need To Be An Original.

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