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My First Big Mistake Was Made When, In A Moment Of Weakness, I Consented To Learn The Game; For A Man Who Can Frankly Say "i Do Not Play Bridge" Is Allowed To Go Over In The Corner And Run The Pianola By Himself, While The Poor Neophyte, No Matter How Much He May Protest That He Isn't "at All A Good Player, In Fact I'm Perfectly Rotten," Is Never Believed, But Dragged Into A Game Where It Is Discovered, Too Late, That He Spoke The Truth.

-Robert Benchley

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My First Big Mistake

Robert Benchley

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My First Big Mistake Was Made When, In A Moment Of Weakness, I Consented To Learn The Game; For A Man Who Can Frankly Say "i Do Not Play Bridge" Is Allowed To Go Over In The Corner And Run The Pianola By Himself, While The Poor Neophyte, No Matter How Much He May Protest That He Isn't "at All A Good Player, In Fact I'm Perfectly Rotten," Is Never Believed, But Dragged Into A Game Where It Is Discovered, Too Late, That He Spoke The Truth.

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I Haven't Been Abroad In So Long That I Almost Speak English Without An Accent Now.

There May Be Said To Be Two Classes Of People In The World; Those Who Constantly Divide The People Of The World Into Two Classes And Those Who Do Not.

In Milwaukee Last Month A Man Died Laughing Over One Of His Own Jokes. That's What Makes It So Tough For Us Outsiders. We Have To Fight Home Competition.

There Is No Doubt That Every Healthy, Normal Boy...should Own A Dog At Some Time In His Life, Preferably Between The Ages Of Forty-five And Fifty.

Drawing On My Fine Command Of The English Language, I Said Nothing.

Infants Need The Most Sleep, And, What Is More, Get It. Stunning Them With A Soft, Padded Hammer Is The Best Way To Insure Their Getting It At The Right Times.

If There Is A Streak Of Ham Anywhere In An Actor, Shakespeare Will Bring It Out.

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If You Look At Eggs, You Will See That Each One Is Almost Round But Not Quite ... Nature's Way Of Distinguishing Eggs From Large Golf Balls.

There Is Probably No More Obnoxious Class Of Citizen, Taken End For End, Than The Returning Vacationist.

I Am Pretty Sure That, If You Will Be Quite Honest, You Will Admit That A Good Rousing Sneeze, One That Tears Open Your Collar And Throws Your Hair Into Your Eyes, Is Really One Of Life's Sensational Pleasures.

The Pencil Sharpener Is About As Far As I Have Ever Got In Operating A Complicated Piece Of Machinery With Any Success.

Streets Flooded. Please Advise.

England And America Should Scrap Cricket And Baseball And Come Up With A New Game That They Both Can Play. Like Baseball, For Example.

England And America

If You Are One Of The Hewers Of Wood And Drawers Of Small Weekly Paychecks, Your Letters Will Have To Contain Some Few Items Of News Or They Will Be Accounted Dry Stuff.... But If You Happen To Be Of A Literary Turn Of Mind, Or Are, In Any Way, Likely To Become Famous, You May Settle Down To An Afternoon Of Letter-writing On Nothing More Sprightly In The Way Of News Than The Shifting Of The Wind From South To South-east.

I Am Both A Public And A Private School Boy Myself, Having Always Changed Schools Just As The Class In English In The New School Was Taking Up Silas Marner, With The Result That It Was The Only Book In The English Language That I Knew Until I Was Eighteen--but, Boy, Did I Know Silas Marner!

One Of The Chief Duties Of The Fan Is To Engage In Arguments With The Man Behind Him. This Department Of The Game Has Been Allowed To Run Down Fearfully.

The Great Arizona Desert Is Full Of The Bleaching Bones Of People Who Waited For Me To Start Something.

Great Literature Must Spring From An Upheaval In The Author's Soul. If That Upheaval Is Not Present Then It Must Come From The Works Of Any Other Author Which Happens To Be Handy And Easily Adapted.

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Even Nowadays A Man Can't Step Up And Kill A Woman Without Feeling Just A Bit Unchivalrous.

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If Only Those Old Walls Could Talk...how Boring They Would Be.

Consider The Number Of Young People All Over The World Who Are Getting Married, Day In And Day Out, For No Other Reason Than Thatsomeone Of The Opposite Sex Looks Well In A Green Jersey Or Sings Baritone, And Then Tell Me That Divorce Has Reached Menacing Proportions. The Surface Of Divorce Has Not Even Been Scratched Yet.

The Surest Way To Make A Monkey Of A Man Is To Quote Him. That Remark In Itself Wouldn’t Make Any Sense If Quoted As It Stands. The Average Man Ought To Be Allowed A Quotation Of No Less Than Three Sentences, One To Make His Statement And Two To Explain What He Meant. Ralph Waldo Emerson Was About The Only One Who Could Stand Having His Utterances Broken Up Into Sentence Quotations, And Every Once In A While Even He Doesn’t Sound So Sensible In Short Snatches.

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My First Big Mistake Was Made When, In A Moment Of Weakness, I Consented To Learn The Game; For A Man Who Can Frankly Say "i Do Not Play Bridge" Is Allowed To Go Over In The Corner And Run The Pianola By Himself, While The Poor Neophyte, No Matter How Much He May Protest That He Isn't "at All A Good Player, In Fact I'm Perfectly Rotten," Is Never Believed, But Dragged Into A Game Where It Is Discovered, Too Late, That He Spoke The Truth.

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A Boy Can Learn A Lot From A Dog: Obedience, Loyalty, And The Importance Of Turning Around Three Times Before Lying Down.

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Procrastination

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The Ultimate Day Really Begins The Night Before, When You Sit Up Until One O'clock Trying To Get Things Into Trunk And Bags. This Is When You Discover The Well-known Fact That Summer Air Swells Articles To Twice Or Three Times Their Original Size.

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The Most Common Of All Antagonisms Arises From A Man's Taking A Seat Beside You On The Train, A Seat To Which He Is Completely Entitled.

The Only Cure For A Real Hangover Is Death.

The Ideal Age For A Boy To Own A Dog Is Between Forty-five And Fifty.

In A House Where There Are Small Children The Bathroom Soon Takes On The Appearance Of The Old Curiosity Shop.

There Are Several Ways To Apportion The Family Income, All Of Them Unsatisfactory.

I Can't Quite Define My Aversion To Asking Questions Of Strangers. From Snatches Of Family Battles Which I Have Heard Drifting Up From Railway Stations And Street Corners, I Gather That There Are A Great Many Men Who Share My Dislike For It, As Well As An Equal Number Of Women Who ... Believe It To Be The Solution To Most Of This World's Problems.

In Preparing The Soil For Planting, You Will Need Several Tools. Dynamite Would Be A Beautiful Thing To Use, But It Would Have A Tendency To Get The Dirt Into The Front-hall And Track Up The Stairs.

A Dog Teaches A Boy Fidelity, Perseverance, And To Turn Around Three Times Before Lying Down.

You Might Think That After Thousands Of Years Of Coming Up Too Soon And Getting Frozen, The Crocus Family Would Have Had A Little Sense Knocked Into It.

The Surest Way To Make A Monkey Of A Man Is To Quote Him. That Remark In Itself Wouldn't Make Any Sense If Quoted As It Stands.

I Have Been Told By Hospital Authorities That More Copies Of My Works Are Left Behind By Departing Patients Than Those Of Any Other Author.

We Are Constantly Being Surprised That People Did Things Well Before We Were Born.

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The Way To Go To The Circus, However, Is With Someone Who Has Seen Perhaps One Theatrical Performance Before In His Life And That In The High School Hall... The Scales Of Sophistication Are Struck From Your Eyes And You See In The Circus A Gathering Of Men And Women Who Are Able To Do Things As A Matter Of Course Which You Couldn't Do If Your Life Depended On It.

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