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My Advice To You, If You Want To Lose A Bit Of Weight: Don't Eat Anything That Comes In A Bucket. Buckets Are The Kitchen Utensils Of The Farmyard.

-Billy Connolly

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My Advice To You,

Billy Connolly

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My Advice To You, If You Want To Lose A Bit Of Weight: Don't Eat Anything That Comes In A Bucket. Buckets Are The Kitchen Utensils Of The Farmyard.

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I Started To Draw Desert Islands. They Were Just Rough, Shapes In The Middle Of The Page. Then I Began Drawing Shapes Within Those Shapes And I Was Amazed How Quickly The Islands Got Better. It Took Off From There.

Honestly Some Folk Will Take Offence At Anything, I Met A Bloke With No Legs This Morning While At The Bus Stop, All I Asked Was "how Are You Getting On?"

I Love Los Angeles. It Reinvents Itself Every Two Days.

Chic Murray Once Told Me He Fell In The Street, And A Woman Said To Him, "did You Fall?" He Said, "no, I'm Tryin' To Break A Bar Of Chocolate In My Back Pocket."

When I Was 12, We Went From Glasgow To Aberdeen On A School Trip. It Was Called Fresh Air Fortnight.

Wisdom Isn't An Old Guy On Top Of A Mountain In A Loin Cloth. It Isn't An Answer. It's A Question.

Tread Gently On Anyone Who Looks At You Sideways.

There's Nothing Like It, But It's Not As Good As You Think It's Going To Be. . . . I Was Disappointed Because There Are Records Of People Finding Things That Have Been There For Years. I Was Hoping For A Shirt Button, Or My Club's Badge - But Not A Sausage.

When You Are Waiting For The Bus And Someone Asks, "has The Bus Come Yet?". If The Bus Came Would I Be Standing Here?

Don't Work Out, Work In.

Never Trust Anybody With Only One Book.

Sometimes There's A Tackiness About Route 66 That Out-tacks Any Tackiness I've Ever Seen Anywhere Else. And The Meramec Caverns Are The Pinnacle Of That Tack.

In Mexico, Everything On The Menu Is The Same Dish. The Only Difference Is The Way It's Folded.

Why Are There No Windows In The Toilets On Aeroplanes? To Protect You From The Most Dedicated Perverts On The Planet, Hanging Off The Wing To Get A Peep?

Outgrew The Media... The Negativity Felt Like A Disease.

Whenever I Wear Something Expensive It Looks Stolen.

[to Audience Members Who Were Arriving Late] You Haven't Missed A Thing, I Was Just Killing Time 'til You Got Here.

If You're Going To Do An Interview About A Movie Or Anything Like That, You're Vulnerable. You Say Stupid Things. Or If You're Applying For A Green Card You Feel Very Vulnerable And You're Likely To Spout Out Something Stupid In The Middle Of It All.

I Love Fishing. It's Transcendental Meditation With A Punchline.

If I Had A Hammer, There'd Be No More Folksingers.

I've Been A Poser For F--ing Years. I Say, Pose Your Arse Off. You Know, Have A Laugh.

If You Give People A Chance, They Shine.

Oh Aye...my Father Would Thrash Me Every Now And Then. He'd Talk While He Did It Too! He'd Hit Me And Shout, 'have Ye Had Enough?' Had Enough? Whit Kind Of Question Is That? 'why, Father, Would Another Kick In The Balls Be Out Of The Question???'

I Decided To Stop Drinking While It Was Still My Idea.

I Think My Securities Far Outweigh My Insecurities. I Am Not Nearly As Afraid Of Myself And My Imagination As I Used To Be.

For Me, It's About The Desire To Win. My Audience Becomes A Crowd Of Wild Animals And I Have To Be The Lion-tamer Or Be Eaten.

Behind The Proscenium Arch, You Can't Always Hear What People In The Audience Are Saying.

The Great Thing About Glasgow Is That If There's A Nuclear Attack It'll Look Exactly The Same Afterwards.

If You Want To Lose A Bit Of Weight, Don't Eat Anything Out Of A Bucket.

When I Read 'be Real, Don't Get Caught Acting,' I Thought, 'how The Hell Do You Do That?'.

The Strangest Thing Is At Tea Breaks, Or Coffee Breaks Or Lunch, You Forget You're A Zombie. And You're Talking About Politics To Somebody At The Table And You Forget That You Have A Bullet Hole In Your Forehead.

I've Been Very Lucky Because I've Always Had Movies To Do. So If I Got Bored Between Shows A Movie Would Turn Up.

I've Always Been Fascinated By The Difference Between The Jokes You Can Tell Your Friends But You Can't Tell To An Audience. There's A Fine Line You Have To Tread Because You Don't Know Who Is Out There In The Auditorium. A Lot Of People Are Too Easily Offended.

Sex Therapist Claims That The Most Effective Way To Arouse Your Man Is To Spend 10 Minutes Licking His Ears!! Personally, I Think Its Bollocks!!

It's My Mind, And I Reserve The Right To Change It As Often As I Like.

Learn To Feel Sorry For Music Because, Although It Is The International Language, It Has No Swear Words.

The World Needs More Edwin Morgans, People Who Can Take The Language And Swing It Round Their Heads And Don't Care What You Think.

I Was Brought Up A Catholic, For That You Get An A Level In Guilt.

Scottish-americans Tell You That If You Want To Identify Tartans, It's Easy - You Simply Look Under The Kilt, And If It's A Quarter-pounder, You Know It's A Mcdonald's.

A Well-balanced Person Has A Drink In Each Hand.

The Desire To Be A Politician Should Bar You For Life From Ever Being One.

,000 People In Hampden Park. Of Course They're All Scottish. Because No One Else Goes There. The English Have An Unwritten Rule: They Only Go To Places They Might Get Back From.

As Soon As I Got Successful, The Scottish Press Started Picking On Me. It's Something They Reserve Just For Me.

I Always Look Skint. When I Buy A Big Issue, People Take It Out Of My Hand And Give Me A Pound.

I'm Not Going To Throw Away The Hand Of Friendship To Suit 100 Trotskyites In Glasgow.

A Lot Of People Are Too Easily Offended. Religious People, For Instance. They've Been Offending Other People For Centuries.

A Fart Is Just Your Arse Applauding.

Never Trust A Man, Who When Left Alone With A Tea Cosey... Doesn't Try It On.

The More You Know The Less The Better.

I Used To Have Mad Cow's Disease, But I'm Alright Nooooooooow.

Killing A Guy And Stealing His Wife And Child Isn't Too Nice A Thing To Do.

So, Have You Heard About The Oyster Who Went To A Disco And Pulled A Mussel?

Paddy Was In The Delivery Room When The Midwife Handed Him A Black Baby. "is This Yours?" She Asked "probably" Said Paddy "she Burns Everything Else"

Nothing Means Anything Here. When They Pull Down An Outstanding Building, No One Objects. Oh, Maybe There's A Wee Protest From Some Collectors Or Something Who Take A Picture Of It Before It Vanishes.

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I Have Been Made Redundant Before And It Is A Terrible Blow; Redundant Is A Rotten Word Because It Makes You Think You Are Useless.

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Did Your Mother Never Tell You Not To Drink On An Empty Head?

Scotland Has The Only Football Team In The World That Does A Lap Of Disgrace.

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My Parents Used To Take Me To The Pet Department And Tell Me It Was A Zoo.

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There Are Two Seasons In Scotland: June And Winter.

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I Hate Those Earnest Tv Documentaries That Are The World According To People With Glasses Who Know Better Than You.

Never Trust People Who've Only Got One Book.

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I Can't Believe In Christianity, But I Think Jesus Was A Wonderful Teacher.

My Advice To You, If You Want To Lose A Bit Of Weight: Don't Eat Anything That Comes In A Bucket. Buckets Are The Kitchen Utensils Of The Farmyard.

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Politically Correct Is The Language Of Cowardice.

Politically Correct

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Don't Die Until You're Dead.

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When You're Eating Something And Someone Asks 'is That Nice?' No It's Really Revolting - I Always Eat Stuff I Hate.

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The Religion In Scotland Is One Of The Most Patronising Things... After The Weather.

I?m Much Bigger In Britain Than I Am There. I'm Well-known, But My Name's That Guy In America. . . . People Shout: "hey ? I Know You! You're That Guy.".

What Is It With Mcdonald's Staff Who Pretend They Don't Understand You Unless You Insert The 'mc' Before The Item You're Ordering? It Has To Be A Mcchicken Burger...a Chicken Burger Gets Blank Looks. Well, I'll Have A Mcstraw And Jam It Into Your Mceyes, You F**cking Mctosser!

I Spent The Whole Time Battering People I Liked And Singing With My Arm Round People I Loathed.

I Used To Be A Folk Singer, But I Was... Dreadful. I Had A Voice Like A Goose Farting In The Fog.

My Definition Of An Intellectual Is Someone Who Can Listen To The William Tell Overture Without Thinking Of The Lone Ranger.

Never Run With Scissors Or Other Pointy Objects.

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