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Men Can't Be Trusted With Pruning Shears Any More Than They Can Be Trusted With The Grocery Money In A Delicatessen . . . They Are Like Boys With New Pocket Knives Who Will Not Stop Whittling.

-Phyllis McGinley

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Men Can't Be Trusted

Phyllis McGinley

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Men Can't Be Trusted With Pruning Shears Any More Than They Can Be Trusted With The Grocery Money In A Delicatessen . . . They Are Like Boys With New Pocket Knives Who Will Not Stop Whittling.

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Women Are The Fulfilled Sex. Through Our Children We Are Able To Produce Our Own Immortality, So We Lack That Divine Restlessness Which Sends Men Charging Off In Pursuit Of Fortune Or Fame Or An Imagined Utopia. That Is Why We Number So Few Geniuses Among Us. The Wholesome Oyster Wears No Pearl, The Healthy Whale No Ambergris, And As Long As We Can Keep On Adding To The Race, We Harbor A Sort Of Health Within Ourselves.

Of Course We Women Gossip On Occasion. But Our Appetite For It Is Not As Avid As A Man S. It Is In The Boys Gyms, The College Fraternity Houses, The Club Locker Rooms, The Paneled Offices Of Business That Gossip Reaches Its Luxuriant Flower.

In Spring When Maple Buds Are Red, We Turn The Clock An Hour Ahead; Which Means, Each April That Arrives, We Lose An Hour Out Of Our Lives. Who Cares? When Autumn Birds In Flocks Fly Southward, Back We Turn The Clocks, And So Regain A Lovely Thing That Missing Hour We Lost In Spring.

It's This No-nonsense Side Of Women That Is Pleasant To Deal With. They Are The Real Sportsmen.

There Are Books That One Needs Maturity To Enjoy Just As There Are Books An Adult Can Come On Too Late To Savor.

A Lover Would Find Life Less Broken Apart After A Misguided Love Affair If They Could Feel That They Had Been Sinful Rather Than Foolish.

The Wonderful Thing About Saints Is That They Were Human. They Lost Their Tempers, Got Hungry, Scolded God, Were Egotistical Or Impatient In Their Turns, Made Mistakes And Regretted Them. Still They Went On Doggedly Blundering Toward Heaven.

Let Others, Worn With Living / And Living's Aftermath, / Take Sleep To Heal The Heart's Distress, / Take Love To Be Their Comfortress, / Take Song Or Food Or Fancy Dress, / But I Shall Take A Bath.

Aunts Are Discreet, A Little Shy / By Instinct. They Forbear To Pry.

Frigidity Is Largely Nonsense. It Is This Generation's Catchword, One Only Vaguely Understood And Constantly Misused. Frigid Women Are Few. There Is A Host Of Diffident And Slow-ripening Ones.

This Generation

A Lady Is Smarter Than A Gentleman, Maybe, She Can Sew A Fine Seam, She Can Have A Baby, She Can Use Her Intuition Instead Of Her Brain, But She Can't Fold A Paper In A Crowded Train.

These Are My Daughters, I Suppose. But Where In The World Did The Children Vanish?

Women Like Other Women Fine. The More Feminine She Is, The More Comfortable A Woman Feels With Her Own Sex. It Is Only The Occasional And Therefore Noticeable Adventuress Who Refuses To Make Friends With Us.

A Bit Of Trash Now And Then Is Good For The Severest Reader. It Provides The Necessary Roughage In The Literary Diet.

Time Is The Thief You Cannot Banish.

I Am He / Who Champions Total Liberty - / Intolerance Being, Ma'am, A State / No Tolerant Man Can Tolerate.

For The Hearts Of Nurses Are Solid Gold, / But Their Heels Are Flat And Their Hands Are Cold, / And Their Voices Lilt With A Lilt That's Falser / Than The Smile Of An Exhibition Waltzer. / Yes, Nurses Can Cure You, Nurses Restore You, / But Nurses Are Bound That They Do Things For You.

The Human Animal Needs A Freedom Seldom Mentioned, Freedom From Intrusion. He Needs A Little Privacy As Much As He Wants Understanding Or Vitamins Or Exercise Or Praise.

Mere Wealth, I Am Above It, / It Is The Reputation Wide, / The Playwright's Pomp, The Poet's Pride / That Eagerly I Covet.

A Hobby A Day Keeps The Doldrums Away.

Kindness Is A Virtue Neither Modern Nor Urban. One Almost Unlearns It In A City. Towns Have Their Own Beatitude; They Are Not Unfriendly; They Offer A Vast And Solacing Anonymity Or An Equally Vast And Solacing Gregariousness. But One Needs A Neighbor On Whom To Practice Compassion.

Rain Is My Lover, My Apple Strudel. / It Haunts My Heels Like A Pedigreed Poodle. / Beyond The Seas Or Across The Nation, / It Follows Me Faithful On Every Vacation.

Of The Small Gifts Of Heaven, / It Seems To Me A More Than Equal Share / At Birth Was Given / To Girls With Curly Hair.

The Mass Of Men Live Lives Of Quiet Exasperation.

If Childhood Is Still A State, It Is Now Chiefly A State Of Confusion.

Ladies With Curly Hair / Have Time To Spare.

Scratch Any Father, You Find / Someone Chock-full Of Qualms And Romantic Terrors, / Believing Change Is A Threat.

I Sing Connecticut, Her Charms / Of Rivers, Orchards, Blossoming Ridges. / I Sing Her Gardens, Fences, Farms, / Spiders And Midges.

In A Successful Marriage, There Is No Such Thing As One's Way. There Is Only The Way Of Both, Only The Bumpy, Dusty, Difficult, But Always Mutual Path.

Getting Along With Men Isn't What's Truly Important. The Vital Knowledge Is How To Get Along With One Man.

In Australia, Not Reading Poetry Is The National Pastime.

Compromise, If Not The Spice Of Life, Is Its Solidity. It Is What Makes Nations Great And Marriages Happy

There Is Satisfaction In Seeing One's Household Prosper; In Being Both Bountiful And Provident.

The Enemy, Who Wears Her Mother's Usual Face And Confidential Tone, Has Access; Doubtless Stares Into Her Writing Case And Listens On The Phone.

The East Is A Montage. It Is Old And It Is Young, Very Green In Summer, Very White In Winter, Gregarious, Withdrawn And At Once Both Sophisticated And Provincial.

Children Are Forced To Live Very Rapidly In Order To Live At All. They Are Given Only A Few Years In Which To Learn Hundreds Of Thousands Of Things About Life And The Planet And Themselves.

How Happy Is The Optimist / To Whom Life Shows Its Sunny Side / His Horse May Lose, His Ship May List, / But He Always Sees The Funny Side.

The System - The American One, At Least - Is A Vast And Noble Experiment. It Has Been Polestar And Exemplar For Other Nations. But From Kindergarten Until She Graduates From College The Girl Is Treated In It Exactly Like Her Brothers. She Studies The Same Subjects, Becomes Proficient At The Same Sports. Oh, It Is A Magnificent Lore She Learns, Education For The Mind Beyond Anything Jane Austen Or Saint Theresa Or Even Mrs. Pankhurst Ever Dreamed. It Is Truly Utopian. But Utopia Was Never Meant To Exist On This Disheveled Planet.

When Blithe To Argument I Come, Though Armed With Facts, And Merry, May Providence Protect Me From The Fool As Adversary, Whose Mind To Him A Kingdom Is Where Reason Lacks Dominion, Who Calls Conviction Prejudice And Prejudice Opinion.

Shunning The Upstart Shower, / The Cold And Cursory Scrub, / I Celebrate The Power / That Lies Within The Tub.

God Know That A Mother Need Fortitude And Courage And Tolerance And Flexibility And Patience And Firmness And Nearly Every Other Brave Aspect Of The Human Soul.

Sometimes I Have A Notion That What Might Improve The Situation Is To Have Women Take Over The Occupations Of Government And Trade And To Give Men Their Freedom.

Marriage Is A Lot Of Things-an Alliance, A Sacrament, A Comedy, Or A Mistake; But It Is Definitely Not A Partnership Because That Implies Equal Gain. And Every Right-thinking Woman Knows The Profit In Matrimony Is By All Odds Hers.

Nothing Fails Like Success; Nothing Is So Defeated As Yesterday's Triumphant Cause.

Say What You Will, Making A Marriage Work Is A Woman's Business.

Behind Every Myth Lies A Truth; Beyond Every Legend Is Reality, As Radiant (sometimes As Chilling) As The Story Itself.

Who Could Deny That Privacy Is A Jewel? It Has Always Been The Mark Of Privilege, The Distinguishing Feature Of A Truly Urbane Culture. Out Of The Cave, The Tribal Teepee, The Pueblo, The Community Fortress, Man Emerged To Build Himself A House Of His Own With A Shelter In It For Himself And His Diversions. Every Age Has Seen It So. The Poor Might Have To Huddle Together In Cities For Need's Sake, And The Frontiersman Cling To His Neighbors For The Sake Of Protection. But In Each Civilization, As It Advanced, Those Who Could Afford It Chose The Luxury Of A Withdrawing-place.

God Knows That A Mother Needs Fortitude And Courage And Tolerance And Flexibility And Patience And Firmness And Nearly Every Other Brave Aspect Of The Human Soul. But Because I Happen To Be A Parent Of Almost Fiercely Maternal Nature, I Praise Casualness. It Seems To Me The Rarest Of Virtues. It Is Useful Enough When Children Are Small. It Is Useful To The Point Of Necessity When They Are Adolescents.

I Do Not Know Who First Invented The Myth Of Sexual Equality. But It Is A Myth Willfully Fostered And Nourished By Certain Semi-scientists And Other Fiction Writers. And It Has Done More, I Suspect, To Unsettle Marital Happiness Than Any Other False Doctrine Of This Myth-ridden Age.

Tomorrow Will Come And Today Will Pass, / But The Hearts Of The Young Are Brittle As Glass.

The East Is The Hearthside Of America. Like Any Home, Therefore, It Has The Defects Of Its Virtues. Because It Is A Long-lived-inhouse, It Bursts Its Seams, Is Inconvenient, Needs Constant Refurbishing. And Some Of The Family Resources Have Been Spent. To Attain The Privacy That Grown-up People Find So Desirable, Easterners Live A Harder Life Than People Elsewhere. Today It Is We And Not The Frontiersman Who Must Be Rugged To Survive.

A Bookworm In Bed With A New Novel And A Good Reading Lamp Is As Much Prepared For Pleasure As A Pretty Girl At A College Dance.

O, Merry Is The Optimist, With The Troops Of Courage Leaguing. But A Dour Trend In Any Friend Is Somehow Less Fatiguing.

Not Reading Poetry Amounts To A National Pastime Here.

Sin Has Always Been An Ugly Word, But It Has Been Made So In A New Sense Over The Last Half-century. It Has Been Made Not Only Ugly But Pass?. People Are No Longer Sinful, They Are Only Immature Or Underprivileged Or Frightened Or, More Particularly, Sick.

Borrow My Umbrellas, My Clothes, My Money, And I Will Likely Not Think Of Them Again. But Borrow My Books And I Will Be On Your Track Like A Bloodhound Until They Are Returned.

Those Wearing Tolerance For A Label Call Other Views Intolerable.

The Thing To Remember About Fathers Is, They're Men. A Girl Has To Keep It In Mind: They Are Dragon Seekers, Bent On Improbable Rescues. Scratch Any Father, You Find Someone Chock - Full Of Qualms And Romantic Terrors, Believing Change Is A Threat - Like Your First Shoes With Heels On, Like Your First Bicycle I Took Such Months To Get.

Words Can Sting Like Anything, But Silence Breaks The Heart.

Troubled Relationship

The Trouble With Gardening Is That Is Does Not Remain An Avocation. It Becomes An Obsession.

Sons Do Not Need You. They Are Always Out Of Your Reach, Walking Strange Waters.

Sisters Are Always Drying Their Hair. Locked Into Rooms, Alone, They Pose At The Mirror, Shoulders Bare, Trying This Way And That Their Hair, Or Fly Importunate Down The Stair To Answer The Telephone.

Cocktail Parties ... Are Usually Not Parties At All But Mass Ceremonials Designed To Clear Up At One Great Stroke A Wealth Of Obligations.

Cocktail Parties

History Must Always Be Taken With A Grain Of Salt. It Is, After All, Not A Science But An Art.

This Is The Gist Of What I Know: Give Advice And Buy A Foe.

I'm A Middle-bracket Person With A Middle-bracket Spouse / And We Live Together Gaily In A Middle-bracket House. / We've A Fair-to-middlin' Family; We Take The Middle View; / So We're Manna Sent From Heaven To Internal Revenue.

To Be A Housewife Is A Difficult, A Wrenching, Sometimes An Ungrateful Job If It Is Looked On Only As A Job. Regarded As A Profession, It Is The Noblest As It Is The Most Ancient Of The Catalogue. Let None Persuade Us Differently Or The World Is Lost Indeed.

The Saints Differ From Us In Their Exuberance, The Excess Of Our Human Talents. Moderation Is Not Their Secret. It Is In The Wildness Of Their Dreams, The Desperate Vitality Of Their Ambitions, That They Stand Apart From Ordinary People Of Good Will.

A Mother's Hardest To Forgive. Life Is The Fruit She Longs To Hand You Ripe On A Plate. And While You Live, Relentlessly She Understands You.

Oh, High Is The Price Of Parenthood, And Daughters May Cost You Double. You Dare Not Forget, As You Thought You Could, That Youth Is A Plague And A Trouble.

Marriage Was All A Woman's Idea And For Man's Acceptance Of The Pretty Yoke, It Becomes Us To Be Grateful.

Please To Put A Nickel, Please To Put A Dime. How Petitions Trickle In At Christmas Time!

The Ability To Forget A Sorrow Is Childhood's Most Enchanting Feature.

It's Hard / Keeping Up With The Avant-garde.

Love Or Perish" We Are Told And We Tell Ourselves. The Phrase Is True Enough So Long As We Do Not Interpret It As "mingle Or Be A Failure.

Pressed For Rules And Verities, All I Recolelct Are These: Feed A Cold And Starve A Fever. Argue With No True Believer. Think-too-long Is Never-act. Scratch A Myth And Find A Fact.

Ah! Some Love Paris, / And Some Purdue. / But Love Is An Archer With A Low I.q. / A Bold, Bad Bowman, And Innocent Of Pity. / So I'm In Love With / New York City.

Say What You Will, Making Marriage Work Is A Woman's Business. The Institution Was Invented To Do Her Homage; It Was Contrived For Her Protection. Unless She Accepts It As Such --as A Beautiful, Bountiful, But Quite Unequal Association --the Going Will Be Hard Indeed.

Meek-eyed Parents Hasten Down The Ramps To Greet Their Offspring, Terrible From Camps.

What In Me Is Pure Conviction Is Simple Prejudice In You.

Stir The Eggnog, Lift The Toddy, Happy New Year Everybody.

Suffering Is As Necessary To Entertaining As Vermouth Is To A Martini - A Small But Vital Ingredient.

Of One Thing I Am Certain, The Body Is Not The Measure Of Healing, Peace Is The Measure.

One Applauds The Industry Of Professional Philanthropy. But It Has Its Dangers. After A While The Private Heart Begins To Harden. We Fling Letters Into The Wastebasket, Are Abrupt To Telephoned Solicitations. Charity Withers In The Incessant Gale.

Oh, Princes Thrive On Caviar, The Poor On Whey And Curds, / And Politicians, I Infer, Must Eat Their Windy Words. / It's Crusts That Feed The Virtuous, It's Cake That Comforts Sinners, / But Writers Live On Bread And Praise At Literary Dinners.

The Knowingness Of Little Girls, Is Hidden Underneath Their Curls.

I Have Read That During The Process Of Canonization The Catholic Church Demands Proof Of Joy In The Candidate, And Although I Have Not Been Able To Track Down Chapter And Verse I Like The Suggestion That Dourness Is Not A Sacred Attribute.

Children From Ten To Twenty Don't Want To Be Understood. Their Whole Ambition Is To Feel Strange And Alien And Misinterpreted So That They Can Live Austerely In Some Stone Tower Of Adolescence, Their Privacies Unviolated.

Happiness Puts On As Many Shapes As Discontent, And There Is Nothing Odder Than The Satisfaction Of One's Neighbor.

Women Are Not Men's Equals In Anything Except Responsibility. We Are Not Their Inferiors, Either, Or Even Their Superiors. We Are Quite Simply Different Races.

For Little Boys Are Rancorous When Robbed Of Any Myth, And Spiteful And Cantankerous To All Their Kin And Kith. But Little Girls Can Draw Conclusions And Profit From Their Lost Illusions.

Seventy Is Wormwood, Seventy Is Gall But Its Better To Be Seventy, Than Not Alive At All.

Gossip Isn't Scandal And It's Not Merely Malicious. It's Chatter About The Human Race By Lovers Of The Same. Gossip Is The Tool Of The Poet, The Shop-talk Of The Scientist, And The Consolation Of The Housewife, Wit, Tycoon And Intellectual. It Begins In The Nursery And Ends When Speech Is Past.

Meanness Inherits A Set Of Silverware And Keeps It In The Bank. Economy Uses It Only On Important Occasions, For Fear Of Loss. Thrift Sets The Table With It Every Night For Pure Pleasure, But Counts The Butter Spreaders Before They Are Put Away.

People Are No Longer Sinful, They Are Only Immature Or Underprivileged Or Frightened Or, More Particularly, Sick.

Praise Is Warming And Desirable. But It Is An Earned Thing. It Has To Be Deserved, Like A Hug From A Child.

Wherever Conversation's Flowing, / Why Must I Feel It Falls On Me / To Keep Things Going?

It Is The Leisured, I Have Noticed, Who Rebel The Most At An Interruption Of Routine.

Gossip Isn't Scandal And It's Not Merely Malicious. It's Chatter About The Human Race By Lovers Of The Same.

Ah, Snug Lie Those That Slumber Beneath Conviction's Roof. Their Floors Are Sturdy Lumber, Their Windows Weatherproof. But I Sleep Cold Forever And Cold Sleep All My Kind, For I Was Born To Shiver In The Draft From An Open Mind.

Relations Are Errors That Nature Makes. / Your Spouse You Can Put On The Shelf. / But Your Friends, Dear Friends, Are The Quaint Mistakes / You Always Commit Yourself.

Gardening Has Compensations Out Of All Proportion To Its Goals. It Is Creation In The Pure Sense.

Men Can't Be Trusted With Pruning Shears Any More Than They Can Be Trusted With The Grocery Money In A Delicatessen . . . They Are Like Boys With New Pocket Knives Who Will Not Stop Whittling.

The Successful Truck Gardener Can Never Go Out To Dinner In The Summer Or Spend A Week End Away, Because His Conscience Tells Him He Has To Be At Home Eating Up His Corn Or Packaging His Beans For The Freezer.

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