Background Image

...

It Is Often Said That Reading Is A Gift, But To My Mind That Is An Insufficient Description, For The Size Of The Gift Of Reading Is So Vast That It Is Difficult To See What Is Outside Its Wrapping.

-Daniel Handler

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

It Is Often Said

Daniel Handler

...

It Is Often Said That Reading Is A Gift, But To My Mind That Is An Insufficient Description, For The Size Of The Gift Of Reading Is So Vast That It Is Difficult To See What Is Outside Its Wrapping.

Views: 7

Topic

More From Daniel Handler

I Often Can't Remember Which Scenes Are And Aren't In The Final Product, Because I Saw So Many Different Versions Of The Lemony Snicket That I Forget Which Ended Up On The Cutting-room Floor.

Someone Can Break Your Heart, Leave You Dead On The Lawn, And Still You Never Learn What To Say To Stop It All Over Again.

Grammar Is The Greatest Joy In Life, Don't You Find?

Opera Was An Enormous Part Of My Childhood. My Parents Were Both Opera Buffs, And They Met In The Box Seat Of An Opera Performance. And I Also Was A Boy Soprano, So Before Puberty Hit, I Was Onstage Playing A Wide Variety Of Orphans And Urchins In All Sorts Of Operas, And The Sheer Melodrama Of Their Stories Was Just Always Appealing To Me.

I Started Making Plans, Thinking We Would Get That Far.

Chestnuts In Stuffing Tastes Like Someone Chewed Up A Tree Branch And Then French-kissed It Into Your Mouth.

If You Feel . . . That Well-read People Are Less Likely To Be Evil, And A World Full Of People Sitting Quietly With Good Books In Their Hands Is Preferable To World Filled With Schisms And Sirens And Other Noisy And Troublesome Things, Then Every Time You Enter A Library You Might Say To Yourself, 'the World Is Quiet Here,' As A Sort Of Pledge Proclaiming Reading To Be The Greater Good.

I Am Certain That Over The Course Of Your Own Life, You Have Noticed That People's Rooms Reflect Their Personalities. In My Room, For Instance, I Have Gathered A Collection Of Objects That Are Important To Me, Including A Dusty Accordion On Which I Can Play A Few Sad Songs, A Large Bundle Of Notes On The Activities Of The Baudelaire Orphans, And A Blurry Photograph, Taken A Very Long Time Ago, Of A Woman Whose Name Is Beatrice. These Are Items That Are Very Precious And Dear To Me.

Love Is Candy From A Stranger, But It's Candy You've Had Before And It Probably Won't Kill You.

I Can See It, Ed, I Leaned Deeper Into You, Felt You Nodding Along With The Sounds In The Room, And Your Warmth Signaled Through To Me From Under Your Shirt, Lovely Strong, Safe And Right.

...you Know That A Good, Long Session Of Weeping Can Often Make You Feel Better, Even If Your Circumstances Have Not Changed One Bit.

If He’s Not Gay And He Hung Out With You The Whole Time, He Wanted To Be. It’s Boyfriend Or Want To Be Boyfriend Or I Guess Gay. Those Are The Choices.

Take It Back, Ed. Take It All Back.

If You Like Books With Happy Endings Then Put This Book Down Immediately.

Are You Ready?" Klaus Asked Finally. "no," Sunny Answered. "me Neither," Violet Said, "but If We Wait Until We're Ready We'll Be Waiting For The Rest Of Our Lives, Let's Go.

You Might Be Afraid Of The Dark, But The Dark Is Not Afraid Of You. That’s Why The Dark Is Always Close By.

If You Wish To Avoid An Unpleasant Story You Had Best Put This Book Down

It Is Difficult, When Faced With A Situation You Cannot Control, To Admit You Can Do Nothing.

After A Certain Age, You Couldn't Even Say Where You Were From. You Went Someplace, And Lived There. And Then You Went Someplace Else.

One Wanders Through Life As If Wandering Through A Field In The Dark Of Night, Wearing A Blindfold And Very Heavy Shoes, With A Poisonous Toad Waiting Patiently Beneath A Clump Of Weeds, Knowing Full Well That Eventually You Will Step On Him.

I Like To Give People Novels I Think They Would Like, On No Particular Occasion - Just When We're In A Bookstore Together. I Like To Receive Reference Books On My Birthday.

For Some Stories, It's Easy. The Moral Of 'the Three Bears,' For Instance, Is "never Break Into Someone Else's House.' The Moral Of 'snow White' Is 'never Eat Apples.' The Moral Of World War I Is 'never Assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

Tea Should Be As Bitter As Wormwod And As Sharp As A Two Eged Sword Kit Snicket (a Series Of Unfortunate Events)

They Looked At Each Other Like A Pair Of Parentheses.

I Always Think It's Silly When People Talk About Works Of Culture Taking Risks. Because There's Not Any Risk Involved.

We Weren't Friends[...]we Were More Like Jigsaw Pieces, Each Of Us Part Of The Same Big Picture. There Are People Like This Wherever You Go. They Are Part Of The Same Mystery As You Are, But You Can't Quite Tell How You Fit Together. The World Is A Puzzle, And We Can't Solve It Alone.

The Miracle Is The Adverbs, The Way Things Are Done.

I'm Not A Believer In Predetermined Fates, Being Rewarded For One's Efforts. I'm Not A Believer In Karma. The Reason Why I Try To Be A Good Person Is Because I Think It's The Right Thing To Do. If I Commit Fewer Bad Acts There Will Be Fewer Bad Acts, Maybe Other People Will Join In Committing Fewer Bad Acts, And In Time There Will Be Fewer And Fewer Of Them.

Thinking About Something Is Like Picking Up A Stone When Taking A Walk, Either While Skipping Rocks On The Beach, For Example, Or Looking For A Way To Shatter The Glass Doors Of A Museum. When You Think About Something, It Adds A Bit Of Weight To Your Walk, And As You Think About More And More Things You Are Liable To Feel Heavier And Heavier, Until You Are So Burdened You Cannot Take Any Further Steps, And Can Only Sit And Stare At The Gentle Movements Of The Ocean Waves Or Security Guards, Thinking Too Hard Bout Too Many Things To Do Anything Else.

How Did You Do That?” Mr. Poe Asked. “nice Girls Shouldn’t Know How To Do Such Things.” “my Sister Is A Nice Girl,” Klaus Said, “and She Knows How To Do All Sorts Of Things.

There Was Still Plenty Of Water In The Basement, And I Felt It Soaking Me From The Knees On Down. If Someone Wanted To Torture Me Until I Told Them A Critical Piece Of Information, All They Would Have To Do Is Get My Socks Wet. It Feels Terrible.

How Wrong To Think I Was Anyone Else, Like Thinking Grass Stains Make You A Beautiful View, Like Getting Kissed Makes You Kissable, Like Feeling Warm Makes You Coffee, Like Liking Movies Makes You A Director. How Utterly Incorrect To Think It Any Other Way, A Box Of Crap Is Treasures, A Boy Smiling Means It, A Gentle Moment Is A Life Improved.

I’m Happier Than A Pig Eating Bacon!

Having An Aura Of Menace Is Like Having A Pet Weasel, Because You Rarely Meet Someone Who Has One, And When You Do, It Makes You Want To Hide Under The Coffee Table.

I Was Not A Particularly Brave Child, I Think, Because I Had A Narrative Mind, Because My Mind Automatically Went To Any Terrible Thing That Could Happen.

I Do What I Do," I Said, "in Order To Do Something Else.

Never Look A Gift Lion In The Mouth.

Oftentimes. When People Are Miserable, They Will Want To Make Other People Miserable, Too. But It Never Helps.

Criminals Should Be Punished, Not Fed Pastries.

It Is Always Terrible To Be Told To Go Play With People One Doesn't Know.

My Chauffer Once Told Me That I Would Feel Better In The Morning, But When I Woke Up The Two Of Us Were Still On A Tiny Island Surrounded By Man-eating Crocodiles, And, As I'm Sure You Can Understand, I Didn't Feel Any Better About It.

Count Olaf Certainly Does Sound Evil. Imagine Forcing Children To Stand Near A Stove!

There Are Many, Many Types Of Books In The World, Which Makes Good Sense, Because There Are Many, Many Types Of People, And Everybody Wants To Read Something Different.

You Must Be All A-tingle With Excitement.' 'i Guess So,' I Said, But I Did Not Feel A-tingle. I Did Not Feel A-anything.

Reading Is One Form Of Escape. Running For Your Life Is Another.

Announcing Your Death Should Be Like Announcing That You Are A Lunar Moth: It Must Be Done Quietly Or It Will Not Be Believed.

For Beatrice- When We Were Together I Felt Breathless. Now You Are.

It Is Not Very Polite To Interrupt A Person, Of Course, But Sometimes If The Person Is Very Unpleasant You Can Hardly Stop Yourself.

I Think We'll Always Miss Our Parents. But I Think We Can Miss Them Without Being Miserable All The Time. After All, They Wouldn't Want Us To Be Miserable.

The Way Sadness Works Is One Of The Strange Riddles Of The World. If You Are Stricken With A Great Sadness, You May Feel As If You Have Been Set Aflame, Not Only Because Of The Enormous Pain, But Also Because Your Sadness May Spread Over Your Life, Like Smoke From An Enormous Fire.

What Happens In A Certain Place Can Stain Your Feelings For That Location, Just As Ink Can Stain A White Sheet.

The Expression 'those Who Can't Do, Teach' Is A Curious One, Because If You Look At The World , You'll See That Teachers Aren't Particularly Worse At Doing Things Than Anyone Else, So Perhaps The Expression Might Be Better Worded As 'nobody Can Do Anything

There Is A Kind Of Crying I Hope You Have Not Experienced, And It Is Not Just Crying About Something Terrible That Has Happened, But A Crying For All Of The Terrible Things That Have Happened, Not Just To You But To Everyone You Know And To Everyone You Don’t Know And Even The People You Don’t Want To Know, A Crying That Cannot Be Diluted By A Brave Deed Or A Kind Word, But Only By Someone Holding You As Your Shoulders Shake And Your Tears Run Down Your Face.

For Beatrice, I Cherished, You Perished, The World's Been Nightmarished.

I Wore It, This Careless Thing You Don't Even Remember Giving To Me From Your Bag. It Wasn't A Gift, This Thing I'm Returning. It Was Barely A Gesture, Almost Forgotten Already, This Thing I Wore Like It Was Dear To Me. And It Was. No Wonder We Broke Up.

I Like To Think That I Get Better And Better As A Writer, But It Seems Pretty Easy To Me To Slip On Disguises Of Various People.

There Is No Worse Sound In The World Than Someone Who Cannot Play The Violin But Insists On Doing So Anyway.

Every New Promise Was Like Something Heavy I Had To Carry, With No Place To Put Anything Down.

They Say Love's Like A Bus, And If You Wait Long Enough Another One Will Come Along, But Not In This Place Where The Buses Are Slow And Most Of The Cute Ones Are Gay.

I Will Love You As The Iceberg Loves The Ship, And The Passengers Love The Lifeboat And The Lifeboat Loves The Teeth Of The Sperm Whale, And The Sperm Whale Loves The Flavor Of Naval Uniforms.

Count Olaf Sounds Like An Awful Person. I Hope He Is Torn Apart By Wild Animals Someday. Wouldn't That Be Satisfying?

It Doesn't Take Courage To Kill Someone,' Klaus Said. 'it Takes A Severe Lack Of Moral Stamina.

We Laughed The Rest Of The Way, Because The Point Of This Story Is, It Is Not The Cookies. It Is The Love.

I Love No One But You, I Have Discovered, But You Are Far Away And I Am Here Alone.

Long Distance Relationship

There's An Easy Method For Finding Someone When You Hear Them Scream. First Get A Clean Sheet Of Paper And A Sharp Pencil. Then Sketch Out Nine Rows Of Fourteen Squares Each. Then Throw The Piece Of Paper Away And Find Whoever Is Screaming So You Can Help Them. It Is No Time To Fiddle With Paper.

Every Problem Has A Solution. Sometimes It Just Takes A Long Time To Find The Solution - Even If It's Right In Front Of Your Nose.

I Am So Tired, I Can Hardly Type These Worfs.

I Think I’ve Always Believed That There Is One Person In The Universe Who You’re Truly Meant For–for Whom You Are Truly Meant–and The Fact That Sometimes There Are Two Or Even More People On The Earth You Can Fall In Love With Really Bothers Me. It Suggests That If You Work Hard You Can Be Meant For Anyone.

Falling In Love

For Beatrice, Our Love Broke My Heart, And Stopped Yours.

Just Because Something Is Traditional Is No Reason To Do It, Of Course.

I Stand Entwined In Fire On The Inextinguishable Bonfire Of Inconceivable Love.

You Would Run Much Slower If You Were Dragging Something Behind You, Like A Knapsack Or A Sheriff.

An Apocryphal Story - The Word "apocryphal" Here Means "obviously Untrue" - Tells Of Two People, Long Ago, Who Were Very Bored, And That Instead Of Complaining About It They Sat Up All Night And Invented The Game Of Chess So That Everyone Else In The World, On Evenings When There Is Nothing To Do, Can Also Be Bored By The Perplexing And Tedious Game They Invented.

It's Funny, Particularly When You're A Writer And You're Doing Well, You Have That Sense Of Like, "oh! My View Of The World Is The One That's Going To Be Published."

This Is Love, To Sit With Someone You've Known Forever In A Place You've Been Meaning To Go, And Watching As Their Life Happens To Them Until You Stand Up And It's Time To Go.

This Feeling Is Not Unlike The Sinking In One's Stomach When One Is In An Elevator That Suddenly Goes Down, Or When You Are Snug In Your Bed And Your Closet Door Suddenly Creaks Open To Reveal The Person Who Has Been Hiding There.

There Are Two Good Reasons To Put Your Napkin In Your Lap. One Is That Food Might Spill In Your Lap, And It Is Better To Stain The Napkin Than Your Clothing. The Other Is That It Can Serve As A Perfect Hiding Place. Practically Nobody Is Nosey Enough To Take The Napkin Off A Lap To See What Is Hidden There.

One's Home Is Like A Delicious Piece Of Pie You Order In A Restaurant On A Country Road One Cozy Evening - The Best Piece Of Pie You Have Ever Eaten In Your Life - And Can Never Find Again. After You Leave Home, You May Find Yourself Feeling Homesick, Even If You Have A New Home That Has Nicer Wallpaper And A More Efficient Dishwasher Than The Home In Which You Grew Up.

But There Are Times In This Harum-scarum World When Figuring Out The Right Thing To Do Is Quite Simple, But Doing The Right Thing Is Simply Impossible.

Off With You" Is A Phrase Used By People Who Lack The Curtesy To Say Something More Polite, Such As, "if There's Nothing Else You Require I Must Be Going" Or "i'm Sorry But I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave, Please" Or Even "excuse Me But I Believe You Have Mistaken My Home For Your Own And My Valuable Belongings For Yours And I Must Ask You To Return The Items In Question To Me And Leave My Home After Untying Me From This Chair, As I'm Unable To Do It Myself, If It's Not Too Much Trouble.

Is It Ok Not To Be A Virgin, Yes. Most People Aren’t Virgins, Min. That’s Why There’s People To Begin With.

There Are Times To Stay Put, And What You Want Will Come To You, And There Are Times To Go Out Into The World And Find Such A Thing For Yourself.

Everyone, At Some Point In Their Lives, Wakes Up In The Middle Of The Night With The Feeling That They Are All Alone In The World, And That Nobody Loves Them Now And That Nobody Will Ever Love Them, And That They Will Never Have A Decent Night's Sleep Again And Will Spend Their Lives Wandering Blearily Around A Loveless Landscape, Hoping Desperately That Their Circumstances Will Improve, But Suspecting, In Their Heart Of Hearts, That They Will Remain Unloved Forever. The Best Thing To Do In These Circumstances Is To Wake Somebody Else Up, So That They Can Feel This Way, Too.

Or Why You Are Wearing A Picture Of Santa Clause On You Shirts, But-” “it’s Herman Melville.

Most Schools Have A Loud System Of Loud Bells, Which Startle The Students And Teachers At Regular Intervals And Remind Them That Time Is Passing Even More Slowly Than It Seems.

Knowing That Something Is Wrong And Doing It Anyway Happens Very Often In Life, And I Doubt I Will Ever Know Why.

Is It Useful To Feel Fear, Because It Prepares You For Nasty Events, Or Is It Useless, Because Nasty Events Will Occur Whether You Are Frightened Or Not?

This World Is Suchier Than We Are, And The Best Thing To Do Is Keep Moving And Find Your Keys.

The Whole Thing Of What I’ve Been Trying,” You Said, “is That You’re Different, And You Keep Asking About The Other Girls, But What I Mean Is That I Don’t Think About Them, Because Of The Way You Are.

The File Clanked Against Me, My Stupid Idea Nobody Would Have Gotten Had I Ever Done It. You Even Wouldn't Have Gotten It, Ed, I Thought, Watching Her Go. It's Why We Broke Up, So Here It Is. Ed, How Could You?

Never Trust Anyone Who Has Not Brought A Book With Them.

There Are Almost As Many Kinds Of Libraries As There Are Kinds Of Readers.

The Thing With Your Heart's Desire Is That Your Heart Doesn't Even Know What It Desires Until It Turns Up. Like A Tie At A Tag Sale, Some Perfect Thing In A Crate Of Nothing, You Were Just There, Uninvited, And Now Suddenly The Party Was Over And You Were All I Wanted. I Hadn't Even Been Looking, Not For You, And Now You Were My Heart's Desire.

But The World Did Not Match The Picture In My Head, And Instead I Was With A Strange, Uncombed Person, Overlooking A Sea Without Water And A Forest Without Trees.

It Is So Rare In This World To Meet A Trustworthy Person Who Truly Wants To Help You, And Finding Such A Person Can Make You Feel Warm And Safe, Even If You Are In The Middle Of A Windy Valley High Up In The Mountains.

I Don't Know If You've Ever Noticed This, But First Impressions Are Often Entirely Wrong.

First Impression

Wrong Impression

Money Is Like A Child—rarely Unaccompanied. When It Disappears, Look To Those Who Were Supposed To Be Keeping An Eye On It While You Were At The Grocery Store. You Might Also Look For Someone Who Has A Lot Of Extra Children Sitting Around, With Long, Suspicious Explanations For How They Got There.

Assumptions Are Dangerous Things To Make, And Like All Dangerous Things To Make - Bombs, For Instance, Or Strawberry Shortcake - If You Make Even The Tiniest Mistake You Can Find Yourself In Terrible Trouble.

Finding Yourself

For Beatrice, Summer Without You Is As Cold As Winter. Winter Without You, Is Even Colder.

Well-read People Are Less Likely To Be Evil.

The Library Was One Enormous Room, With Long, High Metal Shelves And The Perfect Quiet That Libraries Provide For Anyone Looking For An Answer.

Why Not Rise From The Grave And Terrorize A Little Instead Of Staying Buried And Dead In The Cemetery?

I Was So Grateful That Lemony Snicket Wasn't The Worst Movie Ever Made That I Overlooked Many Things That Might Have Otherwise Upset Me.

This Toast Feels Raw. Is It Safe To Eat Raw Toast?

I Was Never A Fan Of Anything, And Yet Some People Are Fans Of My Books. That's A Bit Odd. But I Like Meeting Them.

Sometimes When Someone Tells A Ridiculous Lie, It Is Best To Ignore It Entirely.

What You Don't Read Is Often As Important As What You Do Read.

It Is Very Easy To Say That The Important Thing Is To Try Your Best, But If You Are In Real Trouble The Most Important Thing Is Not Trying Your Best, But Getting To Safety.

Life Never End When You Are In It.

At Times The World May Seem An Unfriendly And Sinister Place, But Believe That There Is Much More Good In It Than Bad. All You Have To Do Is Look Hard Enough. And What Might Seem To Be A Series Of Unfortunate Events May In Fact Be The First Steps Of A Journey.

A Successful Villain Should Have All These Things At His Or Her Villainous Fingertips, Or Else Give Up Villainy Altogether And Try To Lead A Life Of Decency, Integrity, And Kindness, Which Is Much More Challenging And Noble, If Not Always Quite As Exciting.

Tears Are Curious Things, For Like Earthquakes Or Puppet Shows, They Can Occur At Any Time, Without Any Warning And Without Any Good Reason.

Fate Is Like A Strange, Unpopular Restaurant Filled With Odd Little Waiters Who Bring You Things You Never Asked For And Don't Always Like.

When You Need A Haircut, It Looks Like You Have No One To Take Care Of You.

Grinning Is Something You Do When You Are Entertained In Some Way, Such As Reading A Good Book Or Watching Someone You Don't Care For Spill Orange Soda All Over Themselves.

Just About Everything In This World Is Easier Said Than Done, With The Exception Of 'systematically Assisting Sisyphus's Stealthy, Syst-susceptible Sister,' Which Is Easier Done Than Said.

Siblings That Say They Never Fight Are Most Definitely Hiding Something

Hiding Something

You’re Just Jealous Of Me Because I’m A Tap-dancing Ballerina Fairy Princess Veterinarian!

There Are Some People Who Believe That Home Is Where One Hangs One's Hat, But These People Tend To Live In Closets And On Little Pegs.

I Write Storys To Entertain Not To Be The Best

For Beatrice, When We Met, My Life Began. Soon Afterwards, Yours Ended.

Series Of Unfortunate Events

...everyone Was Right About You- Prove Them Wrong.

Prove Them Wrong

There Are Two Types Of Panicking: Standing Still And Not Saying A Word, And Leaping All Over The Place Babbling Anything That Comes Into Your Head.

If You Have Ever Lost A Loved One, Then You Know Exactly How It Feels. And If You Have Not, Then You Cannot Possibly Imagine It.

This Is Love, And The Trouble With It: It Can Make You Embarrassed. Love Is Really Liking Someone A Whole Lot And Not Wanting To Screw That Up. Everybody's Chewed Over This. This Unites Us, This Part Of Love.

The Sad Truth Is The Truth Is Sad.

Series Of Unfortunate Events

As I Am Sure You Know, When People Say 'it's My Pleasure,' They Usually Mean Something Along The Lines Of, 'there's Nothing On Earth I Would Rather Do Less.' [...]

Blinded Following The Blindfolded

Temper Tantrums, However Fun They May Be To Throw, Rarely Solve Whatever Problem Is Causing Them.

I'm Always Interested To See What Films Are Made Of Books. I Kind Of Don't Participate As A Filmgoer In Any Kind Of Debate About What's Better, The Book Or The Movie. So I Think It's Interesting When People Want To Do It.

Waiting Is One Of Life's Hardships. It Is Hard Enough To Wait For Chocolate Cream Pie While Burnt Roast Beef Is Still On Your Plate. It Is Plenty Difficult To Wait For Halloween When The Tedious Month Of September Is Still Ahead Of You. But To Wait For One's Adopted Uncle To Come Home While A Greedy And Violent Man Is Upstairs Was One Of The Worst Waits The Baudelaires Had Ever Experienced.

People Aren't Either Wicked Or Noble. They're Like Chef's Salads, With Good Things And Bad Things Chopped And Mixed Together In A Vinaigrette Of Confusion And Conflict.

No Reality Has The Power To Dispel A Dream.

They Were Almond Cookies, Although They Could Have Been Made Of Spinach And Shoes For All I Cared. I Ate Eleven Of Them, Right In A Row. It Is Rude To Take The Last Cookie.

Just Because You Don't Understand It Doesn't Mean It Isn't So.

In The Secret Pocket, She Often Kept A Small Pocket Dictionary, Which She Would Take Out Whenever She Encountered A Word She Did Not Know.

In This Book, Not Only Is There No Happy Ending, There Is No Happy Beginning And Very Few Happy Things In The Middle.

...there's Nothing Wrong With Occasionally Staring Out The Window And Thinking Nonsense, As Long As The Nonsense Is Yours.

I Go To Bed Early And Rise Late And Feel As If I Have Hardly Slept, Probably Because I Have Been Reading Almost The Entire Time.

The Trouble With Talking About Irony Is, It's Such A Slippery Thing That The Second You Start Talking About It, You're A Better Example Of It Than You Are An Analyst.

Anyone Who Gives You A Cinnamon Roll Fresh Out Of The Oven Is A Friend For Life.

Friends For Life

There Are Some Who Say That Sitting At Home Reading Is The Equivalent Of Travel, Because The Experiences Described In The Book Are More Or Less The Same As The Experiences One Might Have On A Voyages, And There Are Those Who Say That There Is No Substitute For Venturing Out Into The World. My Own Opinion Is That It Is Best To Travel Extensively But To Read The Entire Time, Hardly Glancing Up To Look Out Of The Window Of The Airplane, Train, Or Hired Camel.

You Might Find It Difficult To See Anything But Your Own Sadness, The Way Smoke Can Cover A Landscape So That All Anyone Can See Is Black. You May Find That If Someone Pours Water All Over You, You Are Damp And Distracted, But Not Cured Of Your Sadness, The Way A Fire Department Can Douse A Fire But Never Recover What Has Been Burnt Down.

A New Experience Can Be Extremely Pleasurable, Or Extremely Irritating, Or Somewhere In Between, And You Never Know Until You Try It Out.

New Experiences

There Are Some Who Go Through Life With A Shadow Hanging Over Them, Particularly If They Live In A Building Which Has Long Wide Awnings.

Complimenting Someone In An Exaggerated Way Is Known As Flattery, And Flattery Will Generally Get You Anything You Want.

I Opened My Mouth And Kissed You Then, The First Time All Night, Attacked You And Surrendered Completely, And Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Ready, I’m Finished, Let’s Not Break Up, No, No. Take Me Home, My Boyfriend, My Love.

What Should We Call Him?" Klaus Asked. "you Should Call Him Dr. Montgomery," Mr. Poe Replied, "unless He Tells You To Call Him Montgomery. Both His First And Last Names Are Montgomery, So It Doesn't Make Much Difference." "his Name Is Montgomery Montgomery?" Klaus Said, Smiling. "yes, And I'm Sure He's Very Sensitive About That, So Don't Ridicule Him," Mr. Poe Said, Coughing Again Into His Handkerchief.

Who Are You?" Violet Asked. It Is Confusing To Fall Asleep In The Daytime And Wake Up At Night. "what Are You Doing With Uncle Monty's Reptiles?" Klaus Asked. It Is Also Confusing To Realize You Have Been Sleeping On Stairs, Rather Than In A Bed Or Sleeping Bag. "dixnik?" Sunny Asked. It Is Always Confusing Why Anyone Would Choose To Wear A Plaid Shirt.

The Hallway Was Lined With Numbered Doors, Odd Numbers On One Side And Even Numbers On The Other, And Large Ornamental Vases, Too Large To Hold Flowers And Too Small To Hold Spies.

It Is Useless For Me To Describe To You How Terrible Violet, Klaus, And Even Sunny Felt In The Time That Followed. If You Have Ever Lost Someone Very Important To You, Then You Already Know How It Feels, And If You Haven't, You Cannot Possibly Imagine It.

Simply Put, Dramatic Irony Is When A Person Makes A Harmless Remark, And Someone Else Who Hears It Knows Something That Makes The Remark Have A Different, And Usually Unpleasant, Meaning. For Instance, If You Were In A Restaurant And Said Out Loud, "i Can't Wait To Eat The Veal Marsala I Ordered," And There Were People Around Who Knew That The Veal Marsala Was Poisoned And That You Would Die As Soon As You Took A Bite, Your Situation Would Be One Of Dramatic Irony.

So Every So Often, When I Meet Someone Who's Honestly Appalled By My Books And Doesn't Understand Why They Would Be Attractive To People... I Find Such People Sort Of Charming, Even Though They Usually Don't Like Me.

What Happens In A Certain Place Can Stain Your Feelings For That Location, Just As Ink Can Stain A White Sheet. You Can Wash It, And Wash It, And Still Never Forget What Has Transpired - A Word Which Here Means 'happened, And Made Everybody Sad'.

I Can't Imagine Why You Would Want To Take Your Child To See What The Career Of A Writer Is Like, Because It Mostly Consists Of Sitting In A Room Typing, Or Going To The Library And Looking Something Up. Those Are Not Exciting Things To Watch.

Love Can Smack You Like A Seagull, And Pour All Over Your Feet Like Junk Mail.

Accidents Happen All The Time.

Accidents Happen

The Burning Of A Book Is A Sad, Sad Sight, For Even Though A Book Is Nothing But Ink And Paper, It Feels As If The Ideas Contained In The Book Are Disappearing As The Pages Turn To Ashes And The Cover And Binding--which Is The Term For The Stitching And Glue That Holds The Pages Together--blacken And Curl As The Flames Do Their Wicked Work. When Someone Is Burning A Book, They Are Showing Utter Contempt For All Of The Thinking That Produced Its Ideas, All Of The Labor That Went Into Its Words And Sentences, And All Of The Trouble That Befell The Author . . .

When I Wrote Rick, I Had The Idea That I Would Take The Plot Of Nearly Every Opera And Turn It Into A Dark Film, Which Is Something I Still May Do.

Put Your Hair Up, Min. The Secret Ingredient Is Not Your Hair.

The Movie Was Kickass, Which Was Appropriate, Because Tonight It Was Called Kickass: The Movie.

I First Told The Idea To An Editor I Had Met Who, After Reading One Of My Novels For Adults That Was Set In A High School, Had An Idea That I Might Write Something For Children.

I'd Written My First Novel For Adults, Which Was Called Basic Eight And Was Set In A High School, And We Were Having A Devil Of A Time Selling It. It Ended Up In The Hands Of An Editor Of A Children's Publishing House, For Which It Was Entirely Inappropriate. She Said, "well, We Can't Publish This, But I Think You Should Write Something For Children," Which I Thought Was A Really Terrible Idea.

And What Might Seem To Be A Series Of Unfortunate Events May In Fact Be The First Steps Of A Journey.

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What Is The Best Way To Keep A Secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell It To Everyone You Know, But Pretend You Are Kidding.

I Was Stupid, The Official Descriptive Phrase For Happy.

There Is No Way Of Knowing For Sure Whether Or Not You Can Trust Someone, For The Simple Reason That Circumstances Change All Of The Time.

In General, Of Course, A Stranger Who Tries To Get You Into An Automobile Is Anything But Noble, And In General A Person Who Quotes Great American Novelists Is Anything But Treacherous, And In General A Man Who Says You Needn't Worry About Money, Or A Man Who Smokes Cigarettes, Is Somewhere In Between.

Life Isn't Fair," He Said, In His Undisguised Voice, And For Once The Baudelaire Orphans Agreed With Every Word The Man Said.

A Mystery Is Solved With A Story.

This Knowledge Sits In My Heart, Heavy As A Paperweight.

The Basic Eight And Watch Your Mouth Both Have First-person Voices, And I Ended Up Investigating Those Voices And Investing So Much In Them That I Think Many People Took Them More Seriously Than They Ought To Have.

I Think There Are Probably Just As Many Adults Who Would Miss The Humor Of My Books, If Not More, As There Are Children.

Young Writers Should Read Books Past Bedtime And Write Things Down In Notebooks When They Are Supposed To Be Doing Something Else.

I Didn't Realize This Was A Sad Occasion.

Series Of Unfortunate Events

It Is Very Difficult To Make One's Way In This World Without Being Wicked At One Time Or Another, When The World's Way Is So Wicked To Being With.

One Cannot Spend Forever Sitting And Solving The Mysteries Of Oone's History.

You Should Never Stick Something That You Are Allergic To Into Your Mouth, Especially If That Thing Is Cats.

Every Time You Enter A Library You Might Say To Yourself, "the World Is Quiet Here," As A Sort Of Pledge Proclaiming Reading To Be The Greater Good.

Grief, A Type Of Sadness That Most Often Occurs When You Have Lost Someone You Love, Is A Sneaky Thing, Because It Can Disappear For A Long Time, And Then Pop Back Up When You Least Expect It.

Whenever You Are Examining Someone Else's Belongings, You Are Bound To Learn Many Interesting Things About The Person Of Which You Were Not Previously Aware.

It Is Often Said That Reading Is A Gift, But To My Mind That Is An Insufficient Description, For The Size Of The Gift Of Reading Is So Vast That It Is Difficult To See What Is Outside Its Wrapping.

My General Writing Preface Is To Write An Outline And Then Ignore About Half Of It, Both On A Micro Level With The Individual Book, And On A Macro Level With The Series As A Whole, And That's Pretty Much What's Happened.

I Never Thought About Whether Film Is Inherently More Sincere, Because Certainly I Think If Guy Maddin Had Directed A Series Of Unfortunate Events, There Probably Could Have Been More Of The Stage-y Irony That Is In The Books. But I Was Just Interested To See What People Would Do With It, And Worrying That Brad Silberling Wouldn't Do What I Had In Mind.

I Have A Dream Of What Would Have Happened If What Happened Instead Hadn't.

And Then Of Course The Music Sprang Up, Lousy Rock As Bold And Dull As A Giant Potato. "love This Song," Todd Said, Like It Was Unusually Brave To Like What Was Number One On The Radio.

It Turns Out She Is Canadian, My Editor, And So She Drinks Like A Fish. So She Wasn't A Lightweight At All. And In The Morning, She Said That The Idea Still Seemed Like A Good One, And Here We Are.

Frustration Is An Interesting Emotional State, Because It Tends To Bring Out The Worst In Whoever Is Frustrated.

This Is My Knife. It Is Very Sharp And Very Eager To Hurt You.

...there's Not Enough Ink And Paper To Say All I Wanted.

Instead Of The Word 'love' There Was An Enormous Heart, A Symbol Sometimes Used By People Who Have Trouble Figuring Out The Difference Between Words And Shapes.

Love Can Change A Person The Way A Parent Can Change A Baby - Awkwardly, And Often With A Great Deal Of Mess.

The Right Boys I Always Toss And The Wrong Ones I Keep On Top Of Me Like Paperweights.

Everyone On Earth Would Never Starve And Forever Find Love And Happiness, Since We Won, But If We’d Lost, They Would Have Gouged Out Our Eyes And Thrown Us Naked Onto Hot Coals And Poisonous Snakes For All The Cheering And Hugging At The End, Strangers Hugging Like The End Of The Omega Virus When Steve Sturmine Finds The Antidote.

Scolding Must Be Very, Very Fun, Otherwise Children Would Be Allowed To Do It. It Is Not Because Children Don’t Have What It Takes To Scold. You Need Only Three Things, Really. You Need Time, To Think Up Scolding Things To Say. You Need Effort, To Put These Scolding Things In A Good Order, So That The Scolding Can Be More And More Insulting To The Person Being Scolded. And You Need Chutzpah, Which Is A Word For The Sort Of Show-offy Courage It Takes To Stand In Front Of Someone And Give Them A Good Scolding, Particularly If They Are Exhausted And Sore And Not In The Mood To Hear It.

I Love Meeting People Who Have Absolutely No Sense Of Irony. It's Really Fascinating To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Go Through Life Without Understanding Even The Most Basic Of Ironies.

They're Book Addicts.

If You Have Ever Had A Miserable Experience, Then You Have Probably Had It Said To You That You Would Feel Better In The Morning. This, Of Course, Is Utter Nonsense, Because A Miserable Experience Remains A Miserable Experience Even On The Loveliest Of Morning.

It Was A Secret Time And Place, You Next To Me, Untraceable And Out Of This World

It Is Almost As If Happiness Is An Acquired Taste, Like Coconut Cordial Or Ceviche, To Which You Can Eventually Become Accustomed, But Despair Is Something Surprising Each Time You Encounter It.

Trending Author

James L. Buckley

James Cash Penney

Millard Fillmore

Category