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It Is My Wish To Die Of Unique Causes, Perhaps In A High-speed Tricycle Crash, A Bizarre Stapling Incient, Or As A Result Of Inadvertently Sucking My Brains Out Through My Ear While Trying To Untwist The Vacuum Hose.

-Paula Poundstone

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It Is My Wish

Paula Poundstone

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It Is My Wish To Die Of Unique Causes, Perhaps In A High-speed Tricycle Crash, A Bizarre Stapling Incient, Or As A Result Of Inadvertently Sucking My Brains Out Through My Ear While Trying To Untwist The Vacuum Hose.

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When A Woman Extends Her Hand For You To Shake It, Then You Shake Her Hand. You Do Not Turn It Up And Kiss It. And It Is Just So Creepy. Because, You Know, I Handed It At This Angle. I Handed It At The Handshake Angle And So I'm Not Giving It To You To Do Whatever You Want With It. I'm Not Loaning It To You. It's Like If Somebody Borrowed Your Lawnmower And You're Assuming They're Going To Use It To Mow Their Lawn. You Don't Want To Find Out Later They Put It In The Ocean!

I'm Thankful For The Three Ounce Ziploc Bag, So That I Have Somewhere To Put My Savings.

I Have Jokes I've Told Before And Will Tell Again, But My Favorite Part Of The Night Is Talking To The Crowd.

I'm Really More Prolific Than Most Stand-ups. My Act Changes. I Do Fold In New Experiences, New Observations, Whatever You Want To Call It.

New Experiences

I Got My Dog Three Years Ago Because I Was Drunk In A Pet Store. We Had Nine Cats At The Time. The Cats Started Hiding The Alcohol After That.

I Was Born In Alabama, But I Only Lived There For A Month Before I'd Done Everything There Was To Do.

It Is My Wish To Die Of Unique Causes, Perhaps In A High-speed Tricycle Crash, A Bizarre Stapling Incient, Or As A Result Of Inadvertently Sucking My Brains Out Through My Ear While Trying To Untwist The Vacuum Hose.

I Was Court-ordered To Alcoholics Anonymous On Television. Pretty Much Blows The Hell Out Of The Second A, Wouldn't You Say?

What Moron Said That Knowledge Is Power? Knowledge Is Power Only If It Doesn't Depress You So Much That It Leaves You In An Immobile Heap At The End Of Your Bed.

Knowledge Is Power

I’m An Atheist. The Good News About Atheists Is That We Have No Mandate To Convert Anyone. So You’ll Never Find Me On Your Doorstep On A Saturday Morning With A Big Smile Saying ‘just Stopped By To Tell You There Is No Word. I Brought Along This Little Blank Book I Was Hoping You Could Take A Look At.’

I Think We Need A 12-step Group For Non-stop Talkers. We're Going To Call It On And On Anon.

I Like To Work On New Year's Eve. It Has A Nice Spirit; A Nice Feel About It. If You Are All About The 'year-end' Thing At All, Then Laughing With Fellow Human Beings Is A Great Way To Start The New Year.

I Only Do Two Things In My Life, And That's Take Care Of My Kids And Work. Fortunately, These Are My Favorite Things To Do, So It Works Out.

I Can Make Things, But I Don't Cook Them, Exactly. Like Salmon, I Can Stick That In A Pan. Or The Other Day I Made Noodles, But They Were Hard. It Never Occurred To Me To Check Them; I Just Stopped Cooking Them When I Felt They Were Ready. Really, I'm Too Absentminded.

I Made Mistakes And I Broke The Law And I'm More Than Willing To Pay A Price For That. But There's A Price Beyond That That My Children Have Paid, And That's Not What Was Supposed To Happen.

Once I Was Gone For A Month And I Was Just Miserable, So I Flew Back From Florida For Two Hours Just To Be Home And See My Cats.

Speaking Of Happy Successes, After Years Of Struggling To Lose Those Few Extra Pounds Every Mother Puts On During Adoption, Particularly When The Doctor Orders Bed Rest, In 2004 I Sent My Assistant To The Gap In Dark Glasses With A Fake Id To Purchase My First Pair Of Easy Fit Jeans.

You Know, In Politics When You Come In Third, It's A Win.

I Have A Horrible Memory And I Used To Consider That A Liability, But I've Learned Along The Way That Talking To People Is Really A Beautiful Thing.

I Get The First Flight Out From Anywhere I Am Because I Have To Come Home To My Kids.

President Obama Could Keep A Big Map With Push Pins On It To Keep Track Of How Many Countries Hate Us, And When We Get Down To Only Half, Let's Have A Ball. I'll Blow Up The Balloons Myself.

Remember When You Were Considered An Environmentalist When You Didn't Throw Junk Out The Car Window? I Sure Do Miss That Simpler, Happier Time.

I Don't Like Sex ... I'm A Single Working Mom With Nine Cats, A Dog-shark, A Lizard, And A Bunny. I Don't Go To Bed, I Pass Out. The Idea That I'd Get To My Bed And There'd Be Someone In There With Whom I Was Supposed To Have An Activity Is Horrifying To Me.

I Get In Fewer Arguments When I'm Alone.

The Position Of First Lady Has No Rules, Just Precedent, So Its Evolution Has Been At A Virtual Standstill For Years. If Martha Washington Didn't Do It, Then No One Is Sure It Should Be Done.

I Don’t Believe For A Second That Weightlifting Is A Sport. They Pick Up A Heavy Thing And Put It Down Again. To Me, That’s Indecision.

I Hate It When My Hair Is Engaged In Unauthorized Activities.

The Wages Of Sin Are Death, But By The Time Taxes Are Taken Out, It's Just Sort Of A Tired Feeling.

It Is The Best Part Of The Night. The Classic Interactive Lines Are 'where Are You From? What Do You Do For A Living?' I Almost Always Get Something Interesting.

I Don't Have A Bank Account Because I Don't Know My Mother's Maiden Name And Apparently That's The Key To The Whole Thing Right There. I Go In Every Few Weeks And Guess.

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I'm The Only Person I Know Of Who's Ever Been Pulled Over For Attempted Speeding.

The Mistakes That I Made I Made Because I Drank Too Much. I Don't Think That's Going To Happen Any More. Am I Going To Make Mistakes As A Parent? Sadly, Every Day. I'm Looking Around For The Perfect Parent And I Haven't Seen One Yet.

Perfect Parents

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There Are Really Only So Many Foods And So Many Ways You Can Prepare Them.

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My Mom Said She Learned How To Swim When Someone Took Her Out In The Lake And Threw Her Off The Boat. I Said, 'mom, They Weren't Trying To Teach You How To Swim.'

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The Problem With Cats Is That They Get The Exact Same Look On Their Face Whether They See A Moth Or An Axe-murderer.

The Truth Is Libraries Are Raucous Clubhouses For Free Speech, Controversy And Community.

Thought Provoking

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I Have Short-term Memory Loss, Though I'd Like To Think Of It As Persidential Eligibility.

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When Every High School Graduate Can Spell The Word, 'inauguration,' Let's Put Lampshades On Our Heads And Listen To His Speeches Until Obama's Voice Gives Out.

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I Used To Work At The International House Of Pancakes. It Was A Dream, And I Made It Happen.

I Have Terrible Short-term Memory Loss, Which I Like To Think Of As Presidential Eligibility.

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When We Live Up To Our Constitution, Let's Form A Conga Line Around The Capitol And Bungee Jump Off The Dome.

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