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If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

-Tina Fey

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If You Want To

Tina Fey

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If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

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Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

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Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

I Had To Face The Fact That I Had Been Using My Gay Friends As Props. They Were Always Supposed To Be Funny And Entertain Me And Praise Me And Listen To My Problems, And Their Life Was Supposed To Be A Secret That No One Wanted To Hear About. I Wanted Them To Stay In The “half Closet.

You Have To Remember That Actors Are Human Beings. Which Is Hard Sometimes Because They Look So Much Better Than Human Beings.

I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

Will Ferrell Is A Dangerous Man. If He Thinks You're In His Way In Show Business, He Will Crack Your Head Open. He's The Jeff Gillooly Of Comedy.

When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.

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I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.

A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.

The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.

Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

This Worked Out Perfectly For Me In College, Because What Nineteen-year-old Virginia Boy Doesn't Want A Wide-hipped, Sarcastic Greek Girl With Short Hair That's Permed On Top? What's That You Say? None Of Them Want That? You Are Correct.

If You’re Looking For A Spiritual Allegory In The Style Of C.s. Lewis, I Guess You Could Piece Something Together With Lorne Michaels As A Symbol For God And My Struggles With Hair Removal As A Metaphor For Virtue

Not Only Is My Wardrobe Totally Average, My Body's Totally Average. I Love All The Candy-fantasy Fulfillment Of Sex And The City.

The Topic Of Working Moms Is A Tap-dance Recital In A Minefield.

It’s No More Dangerous To Society Than A Radio Broadcast Of The War Of The Worlds.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

Doing One Movie Every Two Years Is About All I Can Handle 'cause, Being The Creator At '30 Rock', My Year There Starts In The Middle Of June And Goes Back Around Until March.

Every Kid Has Something They're Good At, That You Hope They Find And Gravitate Toward.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

You Can’t Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It. You Have To Go Down The Chute.

Funny Inspirational

Sometimes You Want To Have A Very Productive Saturday To Feel That You Are In Control Of Your Life, Which Of Course You Are Not.

Control Of Your Life

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

I Want To Go To There.

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

My Favorite Day At 30 Rock Is Thursday, When The Show Airs. At Lunch We Screen The Episodes. For Everyone To Watch Together, To See The Stuff We All Worked On, To Hear The Crew Laugh - It’s Great Fun.

Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

I Feel About Photoshop The Way Some People Feel About Abortion. It Is Appalling And A Tragic Reflection On The Moral Decay Of Our Society…unless I Need It, In Which Case, Everybody Be Cool.

You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

It Has Been Said That To Write Is To Live Forever. The Man Who Said That Is Dead.

If You Watch [the] Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life [in The Universe], Or The Incredible Shrinking Woman, Or 9 To 5, There Is A Lot Of Gender Politics At The Forefront Of Lily Tomlin Work, Which Was Kind Of Thrilling For Me To Be Watching As A 10-, 11-, 12-year-old Kid.

Finally The World Would See My Full Range Of Comedy Characters - From Grouchy Librarian To Russian Librarian.

I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.

You Transition As A Mother From Literally Just Pulling A Booger Out Of That Person's Nose Whenever You See One Until At Some Point They Assert: "no, I'm A Person. You Can't Fix My Underpants On The Subway."

In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

...the Music Seems Creepy, Like When Children Sing In A Horror Movie

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

"admission" Is Paul Weitz's Movie. This Is Karen Croner - The Screenwriter's - Movie. To Have Such A Lovely Role In Such A Beautifully Written Script Offered To Me, It's Like Elves Made The Shoes.

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

A Recent Study Announced That 52 Per Cent Of All Teens Who Sign Virginity Pledges Recant Them Within Twelve Months. If I'm On My Game.

I'm A Big Fan Of 'the Office,' Both The British And The American Versions.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

The Same Ten Minutes That Magazines Urge Me To Use For Sit-ups And Triceps Dips, I Used For Sobbing.

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