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I Tried Once In My Life To Write A Novel. I Had Written Something Like 80 Pages Of It When My Laptop Got Stolen. When I Told People This, They Acted As If Something Tragic Had Happened, But I Kind Of Felt Relieved, Grateful To The Thief Who Saved Me From Another Year Of Something That Felt More Like Homework Than Fun.

-Etgar Keret

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I Tried Once In

Etgar Keret

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I Tried Once In My Life To Write A Novel. I Had Written Something Like 80 Pages Of It When My Laptop Got Stolen. When I Told People This, They Acted As If Something Tragic Had Happened, But I Kind Of Felt Relieved, Grateful To The Thief Who Saved Me From Another Year Of Something That Felt More Like Homework Than Fun.

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Hebrew Is This Unique Thing That You Cannot Translate To Any Other Language. It Has To Do With Its History.

It's Kind Of A Reflex For Me To Ignore My Own Wishes And Think About Other People First.

I Think The Typical Way Is That Usually Holocaust Survivors Are Known To Be Very Quiet And Full Of Anxiety, Many Of Them Don't Like Life, Don't Trust People. But My Parents Were Children During The Holocaust. And My Father Was Very Optimistic.

For Three Months, A Person Sits And Looks At You, Imagining A Kiss.

If You Were To Do The World Championship Of Victimhood In Modern Times, Then The Finals Would Probably Be Between Jews And Palestinians. I Think The Jews Win: We, Isralians, Go From The Spanish Inquisition To Pogroms To The Fake Protocols Of The Elders Of Zion To World War Ii And The Holocaust - It's A Horrible History. And If You Look At The Palestinian World, Victimized By Every Entity In The Middle East, They Were Massacred In Every Country. I Think That, In Israel, The Greatest Fear That People Have, And I Have It, Too, Is This Fear Of Genocide.

If Someone Gives You A Piece Of Advice That Sounds Right And Feels Right, Use It. If Someone Gives You A Piece Of Advice That Sounds Right And Feels Wrong, Don’t Waste So Much As A Single Second On It. It May Be Fine For Someone Else, But Not For You.

In The Last War, People Became Vocal From The Right-wing Point Of View: If You're Liberal, Then You're A Traitor.

You Take A Book, And What Can You Do With A Book? Can You Cook An Egg On A Book? No. Can You Dig A Hole? No. Is It A Good Weapon? No. The Fact That It's Good For Nothing Kind Of Makes It Almost All-important.

I Think That Any Authentic Feeling One Has Of Life Should Be A Feeling Of Defeat. It's A Losing Game. You're Going To Die. Civilization Is Going To End. Our Society Is In Decline, And We Should Feel Ok About It Because Roman Society Was In Decline And Before It The Assyrian One Was, And They Disappeared Off This Earth And We Will Disappear Too.

Life Keeps Being A Beautiful And Frustrating Experience.

If You Scare Somebody Enough, They Stop Being Rational.

Writing Is Very Castrating In The Moment. Fiction In General, It Has No Function, Nobody Asks For It.

I Remember A Point In [writing] The Story Where I Said, "this Isn't Working, I Should Go And Buy Something At The Supermarket Or My Wife Will Kill Me." Then I Said, "no, I'll Go On."

I Don't Have Facebook Or Twitter Accounts Yet. Being A Compulsive Storyteller, I Always Make Up For Myself Discouraging Stories About How Such Accounts Will Get Me Into Embarrassing And Time-consuming Situations.

I Usually Start Writing Stories From Tone And Not From Content - Kind Of Like People Who Create Music And Invent The Lyrics Later On.

The Amazing Thing About An Artistic Collaboration Is That It Is As Intense And Intimate As A Romantic One. Sometimes Even More So.

All My Writing-life People Kept Telling Me That I Should Stop Writing Short Stories And Start Writing Novels: My Agent, My Israeli Publisher, My Foreign Ones, My Bank Manager - They All Felt And Keep Feeling That I'm Doing Something Wrong Here.

When I Say A Spoken Hebrew Sentence, Half Of It Is Like The King James Bible And Half Of It Is A Hip-hop Lyric. It Has A Roller-coaster Effect.

Often, The Stories Are Very Much Like Trust Falls. You Fall, And You Hope The Story's Going To Catch You.

As A Child, I Never Wanted My Parents To Be Unhappy, Which Meant That I Would Always Contemplate What Would Make Them Happy.

What You Experience In The Army, Aged 18 To 21, Is What You Take Through All Your Life. You Cross Invisible Lines: You Shoot Someone, Get Shot, Break Into People's Houses. It's Naive To Think You Won't Carry Anything Into Your Life.

Being Published In Arabic Is A Strong And Consistent Wish I Have. I Live In The Middle East And Want To Be In Some Sort Of An Unpragmatic Dialogue With My Neighbors.

Rabbits Are Played. Nowadays It's All About The Turtles. Tell Them It's A Ninja, They'll Freak.

You Don't Need To Use The Language Of God To Ask Where The Restrooms Are.

In The Army You Feel Violated - There's No Private Space. Writing Was A Life-saver, A Way Of Recovering Private Territory.

I Often Give This Metaphor Where I Say That Writing Short Fiction Is Like Surfing, While Writing A Novel Is Like Navigating With Your Car. So When You Navigate With Your Car, You Want To Get Somewhere. When You Surf, You Don't Want To Get Somewhere, You Just Don't Want To Fall Off Your Board.

I Think That, In Hebrew, It's Like The Language Creates A More Unique And Specific Universe Even Before The Story.

The Moment That You Have A Child - That You Know That When He'll Turn 18, He'll Join The Army And Go There For Three Years Of Compulsory Service - Then You Can't Help Yourself Of Thinking About The Future - Speculating About It, Dreading It Or Even Being - Trying To Be More Active To Change It And Improve It.

My Mother, For Example, Told The German Officer Not To Kill Her. She'd Make It Worth His While. And Then, When They Were Doing It, She Pulled A Knife Out Of Her Belt And Sliced Open His Chest, Just Like She Used To Open Chicken Breasts To Stuff With Rice For The Sabbath Meal.

I Always Have A Story In My Head That Needs To Be Written, Or At Least I Think I Do. But I Usually Can't Find The Time To Write It.

For Me Taking A Pragmatic Decision When It Comes To Art Is Almost An Oxymoron. The Reason I First Picked Up A Pen And Wrote A Story Had Nothing Pragmatic In It.

My Stories Are Very Compact. I Want Them To Say The Most Complex Things In The Simplest Way.

He Felt Full Of A Dense And Sour Substance That Was Blocking His Chest, And It Wasn't Grief. After All Those Years, Life Now Seemed Like No More Than A Trap, A Maze, Not Even A Maze, Just A Room That Was All Walls, No Door.

Translators Are Like Ninjas. If You Notice Them, They’re No Good.

If You Want To Learn How To Be Happy, You Have To Know What Is Sadness First.

Maybe In The General Scheme Of Things He Couldn't Find Any Meaning In Life, But On A Smaller Scale It Was Okay. Not Always, But A Lot Of The Time.

I Like Smoking Pot, But I'm Not The Kind Of Guy Who Smokes Every Day.

Apparently, I'm Very, Very Popular In Jails. They Often Ask Me To Come And Speak.

I Really Believe Hatred Is Not A Primal Emotion, In That You Can't Find It In Nature. It's Basically Some Kind Of Distortion Of Fear.

I Never Know The Endings When I Write. It's A Turnoff When You Know The Ending. You Lose Much Of Your Incentive To Write When You Already Know. It's Like Seeing A Movie A Second Time.

I Was Born At Six Months, And I Weighed 900 Grams [less Than Two Pounds]. I Have A Very Heroic Birth Story.

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What Connects Me So Strongly To Israel Is The Fact That I'm Second Generation.

Hebrew Was Frozen, Like Frozen Peas, Fresh Out Of The Bible.

Sometimes, When You Are In A Really Constrained Situation, It Makes You More Focused About What You Want To Say And Where You're Heading. The Most Beautiful Love Poems That Were Ever Written Are Sonnets, Composed In A Very Constraining Form.

There Were Lots Of Lies Along The Way In Life. Lies Without Arms, Lies That Were Ill, Lies That Did Harm, Lies That Could Kill. Lies On Foot, Or Behind The Wheel, Black-tie Lies, And Lies That Could Steal.

I'm Not Saying That I Don't Experience People In Life As Evil, But Writing Is Not A Place Of Alienation; Writing Is The Place Where We Can Try To Be Human. I Think There Are Some Artists Whose Works Are Misanthropic. When I See This Kind Of Stuff, I Think, They're Smart, But I Don't Need Art To Tell Me People Are Assholes. I Can Just Go Into The Streets.

I Tried Once In My Life To Write A Novel. I Had Written Something Like 80 Pages Of It When My Laptop Got Stolen. When I Told People This, They Acted As If Something Tragic Had Happened, But I Kind Of Felt Relieved, Grateful To The Thief Who Saved Me From Another Year Of Something That Felt More Like Homework Than Fun.

I Have To Admit That Talking Authoritatively About My Students' Stories Can Make Me Feel, At Times, Like An Astronaut Who Has Just Landed On A New Planet And Insists On Giving Guided Tours To Its Inhabitants.

The Fact Is That Everything I Have In My Pockets Is Carefully Chosen So I’ll Always Be Prepared. Everything Is There So I Can Be At An Advantage At The Moment Of Truth. Actually, That’s Not Accurate. Everything’s There So I Won’t Be At A Disadvantage At The Moment Of Truth.

Collaborating With Your Wife Is Amazing Because You Are Doing Something Together With A Person You Truly Love And Know And Discover Things About Her In That Process Which You Have Never Had Discovered On Other Circumstances.

I Think Tone Gives Birth To The Story.

When I Was A Kid, I Wanted To Make My Parents Happy. I'd Always Say To Them, "what Do You Want Me To Do? Do Sports? Be Rich? Be Funny?" My Mother Would Say, "whatever We Want From You, You Already Gave Us - We Wanted You To Be Alive, And You Made It."

You'll Never Know What's Happening Inside The Heads Of Other People.

As The Son Of Holocaust Survivors, This Is Life - You're Put In A Corner, And You Have To Get Out. I Believe That You Can Always Get Out.

If We're A Family And Your Brother Wishes You Death, It's Not A Very Happy Family.

As A Monogamous Creature, I Feel Sometimes That It Fills Up A Function That Affairs Have In Married People's Life.

This Idea Where, In This Safe Haven For Jews, Jews Will Threaten To Kill Other Jews, It Wasn't In The Brochure.

According To Gur's Theory Of Boredom, Everything That Happens In The World Today Is Because Of Boredom: Love, War, Inventions, Fake Fireplaces - Ninety-five Percent Of All That Is Pure Boredom.

In Israel, There Is This Reduction Of The Political Discourse To Something That Is Very Limited. It's As If You Have That Pitch That Only Dogs Can Hear. Sometimes I Feel I Speak At Such A Pitch That Very Few People Around Me Communicate With What I'm Saying.

I Think There Are Some Artists Whose Works Are Misanthropic.

My Father - I Once Asked Him What Was His Greatest Achievement. He Said His Greatest Achievement Was That He Fought In Five Wars In The Infantry, Always On The Front Line, And Never Hurt Anybody.

When My Books Were Translated, It Was Always About The Characters, Because The Unique Language Aspect Was Lost In Translation.

I Think Living In Israel And Wanting To Change Reality Is The Best Prescription For Never-ending Writer's Block.

I Used To Feel That If I Say Something's Wrong, I Have To Say How It Could Be Made Right. But What I Learned From Kurt Vonnegut Was That I Could Write Stories That Say I May Not Have A Solution, But This Is Wrong - That's Good Enough.

What Connects Me So Strongly To Israel Is The Fact That I'm Second Generation. My Parents Said, "we Have A Place Where We Can Just Be Ourselves And Nobody Says, 'don't Tell Me Your Opinion, You Damn Jew, Go Somewhere Else.'" Then You Go To This Country And Other Jews Tell You To Shut Up. It's Frustrating. I Think That We Have A Bad Government And That Some People Are Fearful. They're Going With The Class Bully. But I Really Truly Believe - You Read It In My Stories - That Deep Inside, People Have Goodness.

I've Always Had A Very Developed Superego. I Also Had A Very Powerful Id, But There Was No Ego In The Middle. So Writing Was Always Like Letters Sent From The Id To The Superego, Saying, "what's Going On Here?" What I Loved About Writing Was That I Was Totally Weightless. I Was Amazed At The Fact That I Could Be Myself Without Being Afraid That Anyone Would Get Hurt.

I'm Not Saying That I Don't Experience People In Life As Evil, But Writing Is Not A Place Of Alienation; Writing Is The Place Where We Can Try To Be Human.

I Think When You Write, You Should Call It A "writing Spree." I Don't Write Every Day, And I Don't Write Regularly.

I Have Always Thought That Heaven Is A Place For People Who Had Had A Good Life, But That Is Not True. God Is Merciful And Way Too Good To Make It So. The Heaven Is Just A Place For People Who Could Not Be Really Happy While Living On Earth. I Was Once Told That People Who Commit Suicide Are Taken Back On Earth To Repeat Life From The Very Beginning Because If They Did Not Like It Once, It Did Not Mean They Would Not Like It The Next Time. But Those Who Did Not Fit In On Earth At All, Ended Up Here. Everyone Comes To Heaven In Their Own Way.

During The War, There Were People Wishing Me Death, Wishing My Son Death, Wishing My Wife Death In Very Graphic Ways. In The Past, I Would Go Overseas And I Would Say, "israel Is Like My Family: We Disagree, But We're All Brothers." I Can't Say That Anymore, Because Life Proves Me Wrong.

People Usually Don't Allow You To Cut Off Their Tongue.

Most Of The Jewish Writer Friends I Have Are American, And I Feel Closer To Them Because They're Always Obsessed With One Issue - Identity: What Does It Mean To Be An American Jew?

Nobody Else In The World Would Look At Writing As Craftsmanship - It's Totally This Protestant Hardworking Ethic. You Go Into This Kind Of Infinite Space Of Imagination And You Fence Yourself In With All Kinds Of Laws.

I See Creative-writing Classes As Some Sort Of Aa Meeting. It Is More Of A Support Group For People Who Write Than An Actual Course In Which You Learn Writing Skills. This Support Group Is Extremely Important Because There Is Something Very Lonely About Writing.

When I Started Writing My Stories, I Thought That Not Only Nobody Outside My Language, But Nobody Outside My Neighbourhood Would Get Them.

Making Up Characters And Places And Plots, Unlike Fixing Your Plumbing Or Doing Dishes, Is Anything But Practical Or Rational. I Write What Needs To Be Written The Way That Seems Genuinely Right.

The One Who Swallows Cactuses With Spines Should Not Complain About Hemorrhoids.

I Rarely Return To Characters. My Characters, At Least Most Of Them, Are Much More A Part Of That Superorganism That Is The Story Than Separate And Independent Creatures.

Writing A Story Is Kind Of Like Surfing, As Opposed To The Novel, Where You Use A Gps To Get Somewhere. With Surfing, You Kind Of Jump.

There Are Two Kinds Of People, Those Who Like To Sleep Next To The Wall, And Those Who Like To Sleep Next To The People Who Push Them Off The Bed.

The Reason I Write Is That I'm Not In Dialogue With My Emotions; Writing Puts Me In Touch With Myself.

When My Works Are Being Translated, I Always Get This Question From My Translators: Up Or Down? Which Means, Should It Sound Biblical And Highbrow, Or Should We Take It All Down To Sound Colloquial? In Hebrew, It's Both All The Time. People In Israel Would Write In A High Register, They Wouldn't Write Colloquial Speech. I Do A Special Take On Colloquial Speech.

Life Is One Heck Of An Invention. It Is Better Than The Iphone 4s And Coke Zero Combined.

I Think That, In Israel, The Greatest Fear That People Have, And I Have It, Too, Is Fear Of Genocide.

Before I Started To Make Films, I Didn't Give Much Thought To The Way The Characters Were Physically Positioned In The Story World.

When I Write, I Never Know The Endings. What I Think Works In [my] Stories Is The Fact That When I Write, I Really Want To Find Out What Is Going On-i'm Writing For Myself As A Reader. It's Like When You Dream A Dream. I Want To Know What's Behind The Door. If I Navigate, It's From A Place That's Totally Intuitive.

In My Stories I Can Kiss The Girls I Want To Kiss And Punch The Girls I Want To Punch. Nobody Pays A Price For It.

In America, Where Writers Are Preoccupied With The Craft Of Writing, I Always Try To Introduce This Concept Of The Badly Written Good Story. Turning The Hierarchy Around And Putting Passion On Top And Not Craft, Because When You Just Focus On Craft, You Can Write Something That Is Very Sterile.

Often In Writing Programs, Articulation And Clarity Are More Important Than What You Actually Say.

It Took A Lot To Understand That The Interest In Both Writing A Story And Reading It Is Not In The Objective Dangers Someone Takes. You Don't Have To Fight Snakes Or Wake Up In A Strange Apartment To Have A Story; It's About What Goes On Inside Your Mind And Soul.

I Don't Like The Expression "writer's Block" Because I Think It Presupposes That You Have A Problem With Your Plumbing. I Really Think It's The Other Way Around.

I Write What Needs To Be Written The Way That Seems Genuinely Right. If What Comes Out Of It Are Stories, Then It Is My Vocation To Believe In Them And In The Fact That They'll Interest People And Maybe Affect Their Lives.

When You Work On A Graphic Novel Or A Film With People You've Been Together Through A Lot And You've Exposed Your Secrets And Weaker Sides To Each Other.

Being Ambivalent Doesn't Mean That You're A Relevatist, That Anything Goes; It Just Means That You Show The Complexity Of Life. Life Is Always Complex.

I Think That Before My Son Was Born, I Didn't Have A Strong Sensation For Future. I Was Living In This Kind Of Never-ending Present.

And She Loved A Man Who Was Made Out Of Nothing. A Few Hours Without Him And Right Away She’d Be Missing Him With Her Whole Body, Sitting In Her Office Surrounded By Polyethylene And Concrete And Thinking Of Him. And Every Time She’d Boil Water For Coffee In Her Ground-floor Office, She’d Let The Steam Cover Her Face, Imagining It Was Him Stroking Her Cheeks, Her Eyelids And She’d Wait For The Day To Be Over, So She Could Go To Her Apartment Building, Climb The Flight Of Stairs, Turn The Key In The Door, And Find Him Waiting For Her, Naked And Still Between The Sheets Of Her Empty Bed.

Sometimes The Stories Are Smarter Than Me, And Suddenly These Things Start To Make Sense.

Generally, All My Life, I Have Had Strong Friction With Life - I Was A Problematic Soldier, I Was Kicked Out Of The Army, I Was In Fights. There Was Something About Writing That Was A Way Of Experimenting With This Emotion.

For My Mother, Having A Family Was The Most Important Thing In Her Life. In The Second World War, It Was A Challenge - Surviving Physically And Mentally And Finding Somebody Who You Loved And Who Was Willing To Be With You.

Etgar Means "challenge." And My Family Name Is Keret, Which Means "urban." So My Name Is "urban Challenge." My Joke Is, It's A Good Description Of A Birth But A Strange Name For A Human Being.

It's Funny, But I Think My Stories - The Good Ones - They're Much Smarter Than I Am.

The Best Stories You Usually Hear Are Stories That People Feel Some Type Of Urgency About.

People In Israel Would Write In A High Register, They Wouldn't Write Colloquial Speech. I Do A Special Take On Colloquial Speech. When I Started Writing, I Thought [the Language] Was Telling The Story Of This Country: Old People In A Young Nation, Very Religious, Very Conservative, Very Tight-assed, But Also Very Anarchistic, Very Open-minded. It's All In The Language, And That's One Thing That Doesn't Translate.

I Think That Becoming A Parent Kind Of Made Me Try To Be More Responsible. And It Made Me Much More Stressful.

His Whole Body Was Completely Still, Except The Wings, Which Were Still Fluttering A Little, Like When Someone Dies. That's When He Finally Understood That Of All The Things The Angel Had Told Him, Nothing Was True. That He Wasn't Even An Angel, Just A Liar With Wings.

I Was First Introduced To Kafka's Writing During My Compulsory Army-service Basic Training. During That Period, Kafka's Fiction Felt Hyperrealistic.

Writing Is A Way Of Living Other Lives. It Is A Way Of Expanding Your Life. It's Not Actually Living A Different Life, It Just Means That You're Hungry For Life. There Are So Many Things You Want To Do.

To What Extent Does Anybody Control His Destiny? Life Is Very Much Like Falling Of The Edge Of A Cliff. You Have Complete Freedom To Make All The Choices You Want To Take On Your Way Down. My Characters Choose To Yearn And Not Lose Hope Even When The Odds Are Completely Against Them. It Doesn't Make The Landing At The End Of That Fall Any Less Painful But, Somehow, It Helps Them Keep A Little Dignity Their Bone Broken Body.

My First And Biggest Love Was Always Fiction Writing. But It Is A Very Lonely Pastime.

Most Of Them Were Murderers. But When I Went There To Talk, They Were The Nicest People. I Did A Reading. I Said, "thank You," And Then They Said To Me, "could You Talk Some More?" And I Said, "why?" And They Answered, "most Of Us Are In Solitary Confinement, So The Moment You Finish Talking, They Take Us Back To Our Cells. We Like Hanging Out Here Together."

What Happens When You Speak Colloquial Hebrew Is You Switch Between Registers All The Time. So In A Typical Sentence, Three Words Are Biblical, One Word Is Russian, And One Word Is Yiddish. This Kind Of Connection Between Very High Language And Very Low Language Is Very Natural, People Use It All The Time.

I Write In A Slangy Colloquial Speech That Has Not Been Common In The Israeli Tradition Of Writing, And That Is One Of The Things That Gets Lost A Little In Translation.

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