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I Think Of People As Members Of An Audience. But An Audience Acts Independently Of Every Individual. It's An Organism On Its Own. I Focus On That Living Hydra In The Dark.

-Emo Philips

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I Think Of People

Emo Philips

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I Think Of People As Members Of An Audience. But An Audience Acts Independently Of Every Individual. It's An Organism On Its Own. I Focus On That Living Hydra In The Dark.

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When I Was A Kid, I Slept On Rubber Sheets, But Now, I'm A Man. And I Can Take The Wetness!

I Never Cheated On My Wife. I Took Seriously Those Vows Of Celibacy.

Back In High School, My Buddies Tried To Put The Make On Anything That Moved. I Told Them, Why Limit Yourselves?

The Battle Of The Sexes Will Never Be Won As Long As We Keep Sleeping With The Enemy.

My Girlfriend Said, Just Buy Me Something Crazy And Expensive, Something I Don't Even Need! So, I Signed Her Up For Radiation Treatment.

I Think Of My Body As A Temple. Or At Least A Relatively Well-managed Presbyterian Youth Center.

New York's Such A Wonderful City. Although I Was At The Library Today. The Guy Was Very Rude. I Said, "i'd Like A Card." He Says, "you Have To Prove You're A Citizen Of New York." So I Stabbed Him.

Anger Punishes The Bearer's Heart. Who Remains Angry Suffers Most. For Many, The Search For Perfection Virtually Guarantees It Will Be Found, And Disregarded In Order To Continue The Search. Some Mornings It Just Doesn't Seem Worth It To Gnaw Through The Leather Straps.

How Many People Here Have Telekenetic Powers? Raise My Hand.

I Started Doing Stand-up At The Age Of 20. This Was Back In 1976, Around The Time (coincidence?) That The First Comedy Clubs Were Starting. The Young Comedians Of Today Gasp When I Tell Them How Many Shows I Did That First Year: 500. Five Nights A Week.

I Used To Get Drunk Every Night Until I Puked. Finally I Admitted, "i Am A Bulemic".

Some Mornings, It's Just Not Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps.

I Find You Can Often Find Humor Just By Turning Something Upside-down. Like A... Small Child.

I Was Walking Down The Street The Other Day And These Construction Workers Were Working On The Roof Hammering Away. One Of Them Told Me I Was A Paranoid Lunatic... In Morse Code.

Construction Workers

I Think My Ex-girlfriend Has Weekly Lessons With The Devil On How To Be More Evil. I Don't Know What She Charges Him.

Once I Posed Nude For A Magazine. I've Never Been Back To That Newstand.

Recently, I've Ventured Into The Mammal Family - So That's Good For My Sex Life.

I Used To Think I Knew Everything, But Older You Get The More You See Other Areas. If You Could Read Everything About Both Sides, You'll Pretty Much Be In The Middle Again, Which Is The State You Had When You Were Totally Ignorant. So My Theory Is If You Maintain Total Ignorance - Which Isn't Easy, But I Try - You'll Be Just As Far Ahead As If You'd Spent Days And Days Reading About The Whole Issue. And You Have That Much Extra Time To Play Pac-man.

Thinking Up Jokes Is Easy. The Hard Part Is Trying Them Out On Stage, Because You Never Know If They're Funny Until You Get There. Not One Comedian In The World Ever Really Knows.

The Nicest Present I Ever Got Was An Exploding Suppository.

People Come Up To Me And Say, 'emo, Do People Really Come Up To You?'

My Sister Married A German. He Complained He Couldn't Get A Good Bagel Back Home. I Said: 'well, Whose Fault Is That?'

If An Asteroid Is Coming Toward You, You Don't Have To Blow It Up. You Just Have To Slow It Down Long Enough For Our Country To Rotate Out Of The Way.

I Tried Body Surfing Once, But How Often Do You Find A Corpse?

I Learned About Sex The Hard Way... From Books.

I Picked Up A Hitch Hiker. You've Got To When You Hit Them.

Because We Allow Handguns. When You Know Someone In The Crowd Might Be Packing A Rod, It Can't Help But Rush Your Timing.

I Once Had A Large Gay Following, But I Ducked Into An Alleyway And Lost Him.

Actually, My Cd Was Released In 1985, In Return For Two German Missionaries And A Dutch Urologist.

I'm Not A Fatalist; Even If I Were, What Could I Do About It?

I've Always Suffered From A Complete Inability To Sense Who's Important.

I Go To Pick Up A Girl In A Bar. I Say Will You Go Home With Me? She Says I Don't Know, Do You Have Cable? I Say No, But The Rope Should Work Just Fine.

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I'm Not Catholic, But I Gave Up Picking My Belly Button For Lint.

A Computer Once Beat Me At Chess, But It Was No Match For Me At Kick Boxing.

Motivational Sports

A Friend Of Mine Gave Me A Philip Glass Record. I Listened To It For Five Hours Before I Realized It Had A Scratch On It.

When I Was A Kid My Dad Would Say, "emo, Do You Believe In The Lord?" I'd Say, "yes!" He'd Say, "then Stand Up And Shout Hallelujah!" So I Would ... And I'd Fall Out Of The Roller Coaster.

I'm Not As Good A Swimmer As I Used To Be - Thanks To Evolution.

I Caught My Wife In Bed With Another Man And I Was Crushed. So I Said, "get Off Of Me, You Two!"

Pentiums Melt In Your Pc, Not In Your Hand.

Lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.

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I Pray A Simple Prayer Every Morning. It's An Ecumenical Prayer. Whether You're Catholic Or Jewish Or Muslim Or Hindu, I Think It Speaks To The Heart Of Every Faith. It Goes “lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.”

You Should Get Married. When I Was Younger, I Was Into The Fame And Fortune, And Now I Realize That A Loving Wife And Happy Children - That's Life's Greatest Consolation Prize.

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I Was Feeling A Bit Down, I Went To A Therapist A Few Times, At A Hundred Bucks A Pop. But Then I Realized That No Therapy Session Would Ever Cheer Me Up Half As Much As If I Was Just Strolling Along And Found A Hundred Dollar Bill.

Don't Wear Fur! Did You Know, A Single Fur Coat Takes Fifteen Trees, Just For The Protest Signs?

When I Was A Kid My Parents Used To Tell Me, "emo, Don't Go Near The Cellar Door!" One Day When They Were Away, I Went Up To The Cellar Door. And I Pushed It And Walked Through And Saw Strange, Wonderful Things, Things I Had Never Seen Before, Like... Trees. Grass. Flowers. The Sun... That Was Nice... The Sun.

I'm Totally Normal In Every Respect, But I Have This One Quirk - I Can't Give Out A Number Without Laughing. It's A Problem When I'm Giving My Credit Card Number Over The Phone Because They Always Think: 'he Must Have Just Stolen It.'

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The Irs Sent Back My Tax Return Saying I Owed $800. I Said If You'll Notice, I Sent A Paper Clip With My Return. Given What You've Been Paying For Things Lately, That Should More Than Make Up The Difference.

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I Love Florida. I Love The Beach. I Love The Sound Of The Crashing Surfers Against The Rocks.

I Was With This Girl The Other Night And From The Way She Was Responding To My Skillful Caresses, You Would Have Sworn That She Was Conscious From The Top Of Her Head To The Tag On Her Toes.

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They Have A Sign At The Beach, "no Glass Bottles". I Think That's So The Other Sand Particles Don't Feel Like Underachievers.

Sometimes My Mother Goes Through My Socks And Underwear. I Wouldn't Mind, But It Tickles So Much!

I Like To Play Chess With Bald Men In The Park Although It's Hard To Find 32 Of Them.

I Go From Stool To Stool In Singles Bars Hoping To Get Lucky, But There's Never Any Gum Under Any Of Them.

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Theory Of Evolution

I Used To Think That The Brain Was The Most Wonderful Organ In My Body. Then I Realized Who Was Telling Me This.

I Was In A Bar The Other Night, Hopping From Barstool To Barstool, Trying To Get Lucky, But There Wasn't Any Gum Under Any Of Them.

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I Got Some New Underwear The Other Day. Well, New To Me.

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I Told My Wife She Looks Sexy With Black Fingernails. Now She Thinks I Slammed The Car Door On Her Hand On Purpose.

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I'm From Downer's Grove, Illinois. We Had A Blackout There The Other Day, But Fortunately The Police Made Him Get Back Into His Car Before He Got Too Far.

I Got A Job At An Amusement Park. I Like To Make The Rides More Terrifying By Throwing A Couple Of Screws Onto The Seats.

I've Learned That You Can't Make Someone Love You. All You Can Do Is Stalk Them And Hope They'll Panic And Give In.

I Had A Very Close Relationship With Another Kid When I Was Growing Up. I Was His Imaginary Friend.

Imaginary Friend

I Once Heard Two Ladies Going On And On About The Pains Of Childbirth And How Men Don't Seem To Know What Real Pain Is. I Asked If Either Of Them Ever Got Themselves Caught In A Zipper.

Santa Fe Is Fun To Visit, But Property There Will Cost You An Arm And A Dillo.

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I Ran Five Miles Today. Then, Finally, I Said, 'here, Lady...take Your Purse.'

I Was Sleeping The Other Night, Alone, Thanks To The Exterminator.

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Once I Was In A Restaurant And I Dropped My Fork On The Floor, And They Gave Me A New Fork. So I Pushed My Girlfriend Out Of Her Chair.

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England Is Better Only Because I Stand Out There As 'unusual'.

I Was At A Bar Nursing A Beer. My Nipple Was Getting Quite Soggy.

I Went Into The Gas Station, Said, Fill 'er Up, Harry. The Guy Said, Regular? I Said, No, Put On A Gorrila Suit And Dance Like A Fairy.

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For Some Reason, Religious Jokes Seem As Trivial As Jokes About Food Or Driving.

In College I Was One Of Six Males Who Auditioned For Five Male Roles In A Comedy Play. I Was The One Rejected. At That Moment I Made Up My Mind Never To Place Myself At The Mercy Of Some Pompous, Goateed, Black-turtleneck-shirted "should I Yay Him Or Nay Him?" Pantywaist Ever Again.

People Come Up To Me... Concerned... That I'll Reproduce.

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

Isn't This A Wonderful Country? I Was In Florida. I'm Staying At A Motel Called The Three Palms. It's Run By A Middle-aged Couple, One Of Whom Is Missing A Hand. Ok! That's What I Thought, Too! But They Got Upset When I Asked.

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I Love To Go Down To The Schoolyard And Watch All The Little Children Jump Up And Down And Run Around Yelling And Screaming. They Don't Know I'm Only Using Blanks.

When I Went To College, My Parents Threw A Going Away Party For Me, According To The Letter.

The Other Night, The President Gave A Speech. He Said, "children Are Our Most Prescious Natural Resource". I Thought, "let's Hope It Never Comes To That".

My Dad And I, We Used To Play Baseball. I Was The Catcher. Which I Liked. Until One Day, I Saw This Game On Tv, And I Said, Hang On, How Come Their Catcher Doesn't Have His Hands Tied To His Ankles?

He Taught Me Never To Smile, Which Helps Me When I Visit Disaster Sites.

The Way I Understand It, The Russians Are Sort Of A Combination Of Evil And Incompetence... Sort Of Like The Post Office With Tanks.

I'm Very Religious, You Know. Now, Ok, If By 'religious', You Mean That I Go To Church Every Sunday, Read The Bible Faithfully, And I Listen To Debbie Boone, Umm, I'm Not Religious In That Sense... But If By 'religious' You Mean That I Love Others And Try To Help Them Whenever Possible... Again, No. But If By 'religious' You Mean That I Like To Eat Coleslaw... Yeah, Ok, Ok!

I Caught My Wife In Bed With My Best Friend The Other Day. I Was Crushed. They Could Have Waited Till I'd Got Out.

The Only Work I Ever Turned Down Was A Cable Programme Called Diving For Excrement.

I'm Filthy Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad.

I Was Sick Of People Making Fun Of My Hair And So I Cut It Off And I've Got Much More Attention Than Ever Before. It Was Like When Mona Lisa Was Stolen From The Louvre In 1906 - Three Times More People Came To See Where It Used To Be.

I Always Wanted A Beautiful Loving Wife And She Always Wanted To Be A Citizen.

My Ex-girlfriend Was Very Sexy. She Reminded Me Of The Sphinx Because She Was Very Mysterious And Eternal And Solid...and Her Nose Was Shot Off By French Soldiers.

My Dad Always Said, If Someone Hands You A Lemon, Make Lemonade. Plus That Also Works Wonderfully As A Metaphor.

Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples... You Don't Have To Shout Into Them!

But I Like To Swim. At High School, I Tried Out For The Swim Team. I Shaved Off All My Body Hair, And That Extra Burst Of Speed From All The Bullies Shouting Kill The Fairy.

I Love England. In Fact, They're Getting To Know Me So Well At Heathrow Immigration That This Time I Was Able To Completely Bypass The Six Months Rabies Quarantine.

The Scots Are A Very Tough People. They Have Drive-by Headbuttings. In Glasgow A Sweatband Is Considered A Silencer.

My Classmates Would Copulate With Anything That Moved, But I Never Saw Any Reason To Limit Myself.

When I Was 10, I Beat Up The School Bully. His Arms Were In Casts. That's What Gave Me The Courage.

Ambiguity — The Devil's Volleyball.

I Was Walking Down The Street. Something Caught My Eye, And Dragged It Fifteen Feet.

I Don't Know How Electricity Works. All I Know Is That It Calms Me.

I'd Be In The Backyard Minding My Own Business. The Other Kids Would Call Me Names, Like Meatball Head Or Neo-calvinist. I'd Run After Them, But Lucky For Them The Chain Would Snap My Neck Back.

They Call Me Good Time Emo. Because I Love A Good Time! And My Name Is Emo.

I Asked My Girlfriend, 'will You Marry Me?' She Said, 'we'll Have To Ask My Father.' So We Had A Seance And Jack Ruby Says, 'hello!'

I Have A Lot More Things To Talk About Now Because I'm An Adult.

My Girlfriend Said, Emo, I'm Seeing Another Man. I Said, Well, Try Rubbing Your Eyes Or Something.

I Took My Grandmother To The Emergency Room. The Doctor Said That She Was On An Artificial Life Support System, And That Although Her Brain Was Dead Her Heart Was Still Beating. I Though, "we've Never Had A Democrat In The Family Before".

You Know What I Hate? Indian Givers... No, I Take That Back.

I've Always Had A Special Place In My Heart For Old Women Digging Through Garbage Bins. They Saved My Life So Many Times As A Baby.

I Don't Really Hang Out With People. I Like To Be By Myself. In Fact, I've Been Arrested A Few Times Because I Like To Walk Around At Two Or Three In The Morning, Looking At Shop Windows. The Cops Take Me To The Station And Fingerprint Me. But I Wouldn't Call That Hanging Out.

I Don't Know If I Was Put On This Earth For A Purpose Or Not. But I'm Fairly Confident That I'll Be Taken Off Of It For One.

Interviewers Always Used To Ask Me About My Pageboy Haircut, And It Drove Me Nuts: It Almost Made Me Suspect That There Was Something Strange About It. So I Cut Off My Pageboy.

My Jokes Are In My Head And I Have A Duplicate Copy Of My Jokes In A Lot Of British Comics' Heads, Where They Are Safe.

I Thought I Was Raptured Up Into The Air Today; Turns Out, It Was Just My Gas Oven Exploding.

I Give Money To Unicef Because I Like The 'bang For Your Buck' Aspect. Here's $10, Go And Save 1,000 Kids From Blindness!

When I Was Ten, My Family Moved To Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I Was Twelve, I Found Them.

A Mormon Told Me That They Don't Drink Coffee. I Said, "a Cup Of Coffee Every Day Gives You Wonderful Benefits." He Said, "like What?" I Said, "well, It Keeps You From Being Mormon ..."

I Try Not To Talk During The Day When I Have A Show That Night. My Voice Is My Instrument, Just Like A Saxophonist's Instrument Is His Saxophone, Plus Also His Voice, If He's The One Between Tunes That Makes Announcements.

I Used To Be Scared Of Pretty Girls, Until One Confessed They're Just As Scared Of Me.

Race Is Still Somewhat Of A Taboo In Comedy. But If You're A Minority, Then You Can Make Fun Of Your Own Minority. And That's A Nice Service That Many Of Them Provide.

You Know What I Hate The Most? People That Imitate Owls.

You Don't Appreciate A Lot Of Stuff In School Until You Get Older. Little Things Like Being Spanked Every Day By A Middle-aged Woman: Stuff You Pay Good Money For In Later Life.

I Think It's Good To Know More Than The Average Guy. If I'm In A Bar Now And Some Pretty Girl Is Talking To Some Handsome 24-year-old Man, I'll Say, "okay, Who's The Emperor After Caligula? What Chief Mistake Did Marcus Aurelius Make In Choosing A Successor?" He'll Just Look Like An Idiot. She'll Just Gravitate Toward Me, I'm Thinking. It Works In Detroit.

One Man's Pet-stained Carpet Is Another Man's Twister Game.

I'm A Great Lover, I'll Bet.

Probably The Toughest Time In Anyone's Life Is When You Have To Murder A Loved One Because They're The Devil.

I Got A Letter From The Irs. Apparently I Owe Them $800. So I Sent Them A Letter Back. I Said, If You'll Remember, I Fastened My Return With A Paper Clip, Which According To Your Very Own Latest Government Pentagon Spending Figures Will More Than Make Up For The Difference.

I Was Walking Down Fifth Avenue Today And I Found A Wallet, And I Was Gonna Keep It, Rather Than Return It, But I Thought: Well, If I Lost A Hundred And Fifty Dollars, How Would I Feel? And I Realized I Would Want To Be Taught A Lesson.

I Think Of People As Members Of An Audience. But An Audience Acts Independently Of Every Individual. It's An Organism On Its Own. I Focus On That Living Hydra In The Dark.

Charlie Chaplin Is The Greatest Artist Of The 20th Century. He Takes Me From Laughter To Tears In Seconds. And He Was One Of The Very First Funny Men. It's Like The Original Violins Were Made In Cremona And There's Never Been Any Better Since. Sometimes The Best Come Right Off The Bat.

I've Always Thought The Best Way To Teach A Kid Not To Be Scared Of The Dark Is To Fill His Daylight Hours With As Much Horror As Possible.

Whatever Happened To The Good Ole Days, When Children Worked In Factories?

I'm Learning Cuban. It's Like Spanish, But With Fewer Words For Luxury Items.

My Girlfriend Told Me That She Was Seeing Another Man. I Told Her To Rub Her Eyes.

My Sister Just Had A Baby. We Can Have Company Over. She'll Be In Front Of Everyone With Her Um... Breast... Out Feeding It. You Know... Cereal Or Whatever.

I Think Fur Looks Better On An Animal Than On A Human Being. So I Dress My Dog In A Mink Teddy.

I Think The Whole Concept Of Monotheism Is A Gift From The Gods.

So I'm At The Wailing Wall, Standing There Like A Moron, With My Harpoon.

When I Was Young, My Father Had A Serious Heart Attack. He Survived, But We Lost Our House And Car. Under The Canadian Medicare System, Though, We Would Have Kept The House And Car And Would Have Just Had To Pay The Inheritance Tax.

When I Was A Kid, My Nickname Was Mr. Baseball. Because Of The Stitches.

I Grew Up In An Era When Strange Adults Would Grab Me On The Street And Say: 'don't Do That.' You Never See That These Days. 'hi, We Took The Liberty Of Spanking Your Son.' Oh Thanks, My Hand Was Getting Worn.

I Was Walking Home One Night And A Guy Hammering On A Roof Called Me A Paranoid Little Weirdo. In Morse Code.

My Grandmother's Brain Was Dead, But Her Heart Was Still Beating. It Was The First Time We Ever Had A Democrat In The Family.

It's Amazing Where A Joke Might Come From. I Find A Lot Of Humour Just By Metaphorically Turning Things Upside Down Or Literally Like My Wife's Cat.

Well, My Brother Says 'hello.' So, Hooray For Speech Therapy.

I Love My Family. I Came Home The Other Days. My Brother's Passed-out On The Couch, Holding An Empty Bottle Of Sleeping Pills. So I Called The Paramedics, And They Pumped His Stomach, And I Think He's Learned His Lesson: You Know, Never To Take My Last Two Sleeping Pills.

My Parents Had Very Strict Rules For Me. Rules Like, I Couldn't Be Home Until A Certain Hour.

I've Been Wrestling With Reality For Most Of My Life. I'm Pleased To Say I've Won.

Coming Up With A Funny Joke Is Like Falling In Love: It Can Hit You Any Time, Anywhere. Having Said That, The More You Put Yourself Out There, The Better Your Odds Will Be.

Falling In Love

Not Everybody Hates Me. Only The People Who've Met Me.

Some Comedians Change Their Style, Often To Their Advantage; But I See No Reason Why I Can't Continue With The "urbane Sophisticate" 'til The Day I Die.

Sex Is Logically Impossible After Marriage. You Have To Overcome The Paradox Of Not This Again, And Hey, Where Did You Learn That?

The Subconscious Is Like Having A Laboratory Assistant Who Pretends To Love You And Help You, But After You Go Home To Go To Sleep It Goes Back Into The Lab And Starts Fumbling With The Data And Destroying It. It's A Very Tricky Thing. People Think Our Minds Are Us, But That's Not True At All. The Mind Is Not Us.

I Read That Nine Out Of 10 Women Fantasize About Having An Unknown Man Leap Through Their Bedroom Window At Night And Make Mad, Passionate Love To Them. Who Would Think With Those Odds, I Would Now Be Facing 150 Hours Of Community Service.

I Got In A Fight One Time With A Really Big Guy, And He Said, "i'm Going To Mop The Floor With Your Face." I Said, "you'll Be Sorry." He Said, "oh, Yeah? Why?" I Said, "well, How Are You Going To Get Into The Corners?"

Even The Worst Comic Is At Least Somewhat Entertaining, If Only In A Pathological Way, For Five Minutes.

I Don't Know If I Have Sexual Magnetism Or Animal Magnetism, Though Sometimes I'll Find A Squirrel Stuck To My Forehead.

The Question Is Absurd: When You Ask, 'if God Is Both All Good And All Powerful, Why Then Does He Allow Suffering?', What You Are Really Asking Is, 'if God Is Both All Good And All Powerful, Why Then Can He Not Make Me (the Questioner) - Who Is Just As Much A Part Of A Universe In Which There Is Suffering As Is Any Other Part - Be At The Same Time The Exact Same Questioner, But One Who Is Now Part And Parcel Of A Universe In Which There Is No Suffering?' Which, Reduced Down, Is The Same Thing As Asking, 'why Can There Not Be, At The Same Time, X And The Preclusion Of X?'

Computers Aren't Intelligent, They Only Think They Are.

I Saw A Psychologist Once Because I Thought I Had Depression. It Cost Me $100. When I Left, I Realised That There's Nothing He Could Have Said That Would Cheer Me Up As Much As If I Found A $100 Bill On My Way Home.

I Asked The Head Musician If I Could Go Onstage During The Next Break And He Said Sure. I Got Two Laughs In Twenty Minutes, And Walked Out Feeling More Elated Than I Had Ever Felt In My Entire Life. The Glory Of That Triumph Contented Me For Two Full Years.

When Deciding Between Two Competing Theories, Always Go With The One That Doesn't Involve A Magic Spell.

My Mom Gave Me One Of Those Cloth Calendars For The Kitchen. It Took Me Three Hours To Sew In A Dental Appointment.

If You Can Make Just One Person Laugh, Then You Are Already Doing Better Than Tony Danza.

Well! I Feel Happy These Days. I've Started Taking A Herbal Anti-depressant. It's Called Saint John's Wort. Apparently It's The Best-selling Anti-depressant In Many Places. It's The Most Popular Anti-depressant In Germany... After, I'm Guessing, Amnesia.

I Lent A Friend Of Mine $10,000 For Plastic Surgery And Now I Don't Know What He Looks Like.

People Always Ask Me, 'where Were You When Kennedy Was Shot?' Well, I Don't Have An Alibi.

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