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I Rolled Back Onto The Lawn And Pressed My Forehead To The Ground Again And Made The Noise That Father Calls Groaning. I Make This Noise When There Is Too Much Information Coming Into My Head From The Outside World. It Is Like When You Are Upset And You Hold The Radio Against Your Ear And You Tune It Halfway Between Two Stations So That All You Get Is White Noise And Then You Turn The Volume Right Up So That This Is All Can Hear And Then You Know You Are Safe Because You Cannot Hear Anything Else

-Mark Haddon

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I Rolled Back Onto

Mark Haddon

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I Rolled Back Onto The Lawn And Pressed My Forehead To The Ground Again And Made The Noise That Father Calls Groaning. I Make This Noise When There Is Too Much Information Coming Into My Head From The Outside World. It Is Like When You Are Upset And You Hold The Radio Against Your Ear And You Tune It Halfway Between Two Stations So That All You Get Is White Noise And Then You Turn The Volume Right Up So That This Is All Can Hear And Then You Know You Are Safe Because You Cannot Hear Anything Else

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The Way Of Creating Believable Characters Is Not By Conforming To A Set Of Pc Rules.

Prime Numbers Are What Is Left When You Have Taken All The Patterns Away. I Think Prime Numbers Are Like Life. They Are Very Logical But You Could Never Work Out The Rules, Even If You Spent All Your Time Thinking About Them.

Family, That Slippery Word, A Star To Every Wandering Bark, And Everyone Sailing Under A Different Sky.

I Want My Name To Mean Me.

It Wasn't About Believing This Or That, It Wasn't Even About Good And Evil And Right And Wrong, It Was About Finding The Strength To Bear The Discomfort That Came With Being In The World.

All The Other Children At My School Are Stupid. Except I'm Not Meant To Call Them Stupid, Even Though This Is What They Are.

Fiction That Responds To Recent World Events Is A Hostage To Fortune Because All Momentous Events Look Very Different A Year, Two Years, Three Years Later.

When I Was 13 Or 14, I Started Devouring Novels; Literature Took Quite A While To Take Me Over, But It Caught Up Just In Time To Save Me From Becoming A Mathematician.

...and There Was Nothing To Do Except To Wait And To Hurt.

But In Life You Have To Take Lots Of Decisions And If You Don't Take Decisions You Would Never Do Anything Because You Would Spend All Your Time Choosing Between Things You Could Do. So It Is Good To Have A Reason Why You Hate Some Things And You Like Others.

I Knew There Was A Story; Once You Find A Dog With A Fork Through It, You Know There's A Story There.

When I Was Writing For Children, I Was Writing Genre Fiction. It Was Like Making A Good Chair. However Beautiful It Looked, It Needed Four Legs Of The Same Length, It Had To Be The Right Height And It Had To Be Comfortable.

Show Me The Artist Anywhere Who's Had An Utterly Stable Mental Life, And I'll Buy You Hot Dinners For The Rest Of Your Life.

My Book Has A Very Simple Surface, But There Are Layers Of Irony And Paradox All The Way Through It.

There Was A Time In My Life When I Was Going In And Out Of Houses That Were Extraordinarily Different - From A Working-class Terrace In Northampton To The Homes Of Friends Who Were Really Very Wealthy. It Was Quite An Odd Position To Be In, I Realise Looking Back, And Quite A Nice One.

I Think Most Writers Feel Like They're On The Outside Looking In Much Of The Time... All Of Us Feel, To A Certain Extent, Alienated From The Stuff Going On Around Us.

And I Know I Can Do This Because I Went To London On My Own, And Because I Solved The Mystery…and I Was Brave And I Wrote A Book And That Means I Can Do Anything.

And It's Best If You Know A Good Thing Is Going To Happen, Like An Eclipse Or Getting A Microscope For Christmas. And It's Bad If You Know A Bad Thing Is Going To Happen, Like Having A Filling Or Going To France. But I Think It Is Worst If You Don't Know Whether It Is A Good Thing Or A Bad Thing Which Is Going To Happen.

It Exasperated Her Sometimes. The Way Men Could Be So Sure Of Themselves. They Put Words Together Like Sheds Or Shelves And You Could Stand On Them They Were So Solid. And Those Feelings Which Overwhelmed You In The Small Hours Turned To Smoke.

On The Fifth Day, Which Was A Sunday, It Rained Very Hard. I Like It When It Rains Hard. It Sounds Like White Noise Everywhere, Which Is Like Silence But Not Empty.

..because When We Look Up Into The Sky At Night There Will Be No Darkness, Just The Blazing Light Of Billions And Billions Of Stars, All Falling.

No One Wants To Know How Clever You Are. They Don't Want An Insight Into Your Mind, Thrilling As It Might Be. They Want An Insight Into Their Own.

And Father Said, "christopher, Do You Understand That I Love You?" And I Said "yes," Because Loving Someone Is Helping Them When They Get Into Trouble, And Looking After Them, And Telling Them The Truth, And Father Looks After Me When I Get Into Trouble, Like Coming To The Police Station, And He Looks After Me By Cooking Meals For Me, And He Always Tells Me The Truth, Which Means That He Loves Me.

Everyone Has Learning Difficulties, Because Learning To Speak French Or Understanding Relativity Is Difficult.

If Kids Like A Picture Book, They're Going To Read It At Least 50 Times. Read Anything That Often, And Even Minor Imperfections Start To Feel Like Gravel In The Bed.

Eventually Scientists Will Discover Something That Explains Ghosts, Just Like They Discovered Electricity, Which Explained Lightning, And It Might Be Something About People's Brains, Or Something About The Earth's Magnetic Field, Or It Might Be Some New Force Altogether. And Then Ghosts Won't Be Mysteries. They Will Be Like Electricity And Rainbows And Nonstick Frying Pans.

As To The Number Of Novels I've Abandoned... I Shudder To Think. I Have Thrown Away Five Completed Novels, And That's A Gruesome Enough Figure. But Not Necessarily A Waste Of Effort.

I Like Poetry When I Don't Quite Understand Why I Like It. Poetry Isn't Just A Question Of Wrapping Something Up And Giving It To Someone Else To Unwrap. It Just Doesn't Work Like That.

You Make A Film You Feel Is As Real As Possible And Hope People React As Though It Were Real.

And Because There Is Something They Can’t See People Think It Has To Be Special, Because People Always Think There Is Something Special About What They Can’t See, Like The Dark Side Of The Moon, Or The Other Side Of A Black Hole, Or In The Dark When They Wake Up At Night And They’re Scared.

What I Love About The Theatre Is That It's Always Metaphorical. It's Like Going Back To Being A Kid Again, And We're All Pretending In A Room. Sometimes, When The Pretending Really Works, I Find It Much, Much More Moving Than Something On Film.

Appalling Things Can Happen To Children. And Even A Happy Childhood Is Filled With Sadnesses.

At 20, 25, 30, We Begin To Realise That The Possibilities Of Escape Are Getting Fewer. We Have Jobs, Children, Partners, Debts. This Is The Part Of Us To Which Literary Fiction Speaks.

How Pleased We Are To Have Our Eyes Opened But How Easily We Close Them Again.

As A Kid, I Didn't Read A Great Deal Of Fiction, And I've Forgotten Most Of What I Did Read.

Payments To The Disabled Are Getting Slashed And People Like Me Are Getting A Tax Cut. Who Could Possibly Think That Is A Good Thing?

I Find People Confusing.

At Teenage Parties He Was Always Wandering Into The Garden, Sitting On A Bench In The Dark . . . Staring Up At The Constellations And Pondering All Those Big Questions About The Existence Of God And The Nature Of Evil And The Mystery Of Death, Questions Which Seemed More Important Than Anything Else In The Would Until A Few Years Passed And Some Real Questions Had Been Dumped Into Your Lap, Like How To Earn A Living, And Why People Fell In And Out Of Love, And How Long You Could Carry On Smoking And Then Give Up Without Getting Lung Cancer.

I Think I've Learnt That There Is No Character So Strange That You Haven't Shared Their Experience In Some Small Way.

Curious Incident Is Not A Book About Asperger's....if Anything It's A Novel About Difference, About Being An Outsider, About Seeing The World In A Surprising And Revealing Way. The Book Is Not Specifically About Any Specific Disorder.

If One Book's Done This Well, You Want To Write Another One That Does Just As Well. There's That Horror Of The Second Novel That Doesn't Match Up.

There's Something Rather Wonderful About The Fact That Oxford Is A Very Small City That Contains Most Of The Cultural And Metropolitan Facilities You Could Want, In Terms Of Bookshops, Theatre, Cinema, Conversation. But It's Near Enough To London To Get Here In An Hour, And It's Near Enough To Huge Open Spaces Without Which I Would Go Insane.

Most Of My Work Consisted Of Crossing Out. Crossing Out Was The Secret Of All Good Writing.

I Have Very Fond Memories Of Swimming In Walden Pond When We Lived In Boston. You'd Swim Past A Log And See All These Turtles Sunning Themselves. Slightly Disturbing If You Thought About How Many More Were Swimming Around Your Toes, But Also Rather Wonderful.

... Why I Like Timetables, Because They Make Sure I Don't Get Lost In Time.

And What He Meant Was That Maths Wasn't Like Life Because In Life There Are No Straightforward Answers In The End

Well, We're Meant To Be Writing Stories Today.

I Went To Boarding School And Then I Went To Oxford, And I Know How Easy It Is For Certain Groups Of People To Become Wholly Insulated From Ordinary Life.

The Most Difficult Book I Wrote Was The Fourth In A Series Of Linked Children's Books. It Was Like Pulling Teeth Because The Publisher Wanted Exactly The Same But Completely Different. I'd Much Rather Just Do Something Completely Different Even If There's A Risk Of It Going Wrong.

I Am Really Interested In Eccentric Minds. It's Rather Like Being Fascinated By How Cars Work. It's Really Boring If Your Car Works All The Time. But As Soon As Something Happens, You Get The Bonnet Up. If Someone Has An Abnormal Or Dysfunctional State Of Mind, You Get The Bonnet Up.

Madness Doesn't Happen To Someone Alone. Very Few People Have Experiences That Are Theirs Alone.

I Thought Bill Bryson's A Short History Of Nearly Everything Was Remarkable. Managing To Be Entertaining While Still Delivering All That Hard Science Was A Pretty Good Trick To Pull Off.

Sometimes We Get Sad About Things And We Don't Like To Tell Other People That We Are Sad About Them. We Like To Keep It A Secret. Or Sometimes, We Are Sad But We Really Don't Know Why We Are Sad, So We Say We Aren't Sad But We Really Are.

People Say That You Always Have To Tell The Truth. But They Do Not Mean This Because You Are Not Allowed To Tell Old People That They Are Old And You Are Not Allowed To Tell People If They Smell Funny Or If A Grown-up Has Made A Fart. And You Are Not Allowed To Say, 'i Don't Like You,' Unless That Person Has Been Horrible To You.

And When You Look At The Sky You Know You Are Looking At Stars Which Are Hundreds And Thousands Of Light-years Away From You. And Some Of The Stars Don’t Even Exist Anymore Because Their Light Has Taken So Long To Get To Us That They Are Already Dead, Or They Have Exploded And Collapsed Into Red Dwarfs. And That Makes You Seem Very Small, And If You Have Difficult Things In You Life It Is Nice To Think That They Are What Is Called Negligible, Which Means They Are So Small You Don’t Have To Take Them Into Account When You Are Calculating Something.

Being Clever Was When You Looked At How Things Were And Used The Evidence To Work Out Something New.

I Think The U.k. Is Too Small To Write About From Within It And Still Make It Seem Foreign And Exotic And Interesting.

As A Teenager, I Was Always This Strange Mixture Of Kind Of Vice-captain Of The Rugby Team And Sensitive Artist Type The Rest Of The Time. I Was Sent Away To This Public School In The Middle Of Nowhere, And I Think We Managed To Completely Miss Out On Normal Youth Culture.

And Then I Thought That I Had To Be Like Sherlock Holmes And I Had To Detach My Mind At Will To A Remarkable Degree So That I Did Not Notice How Much It Was Hurting Inside My Head.

I Could Invent Another World. I'm Not Terribly Keen On This One.

Indeed, I Am Repeatedly Astonished By The Number Of Really Good Writers Who Understand Human Beings So Well On Paper But Don't Know How To Deal With Them In Real Life.

Children Simply Don't Make The Distinction; A Book Is Either Good Or Bad. And Some Of The Books They Think Are Good Are Very, Very Bad Indeed.

Most Adults, Unlike Most Children, Understand The Difference Between A Book That Will Hold Them Spellbound For A Rainy Sunday Afternoon And A Book That Will Put Them In Touch With A Part Of Themselves They Didn't Even Know Existed.

I Don't Remember Deciding To Become A Writer. You Decide To Become A Dentist Or A Postman. For Me, Writing Is Like Being Gay. You Finally Admit That This Is Who You Are, You Come Out And Hope That No One Runs Away.

I Rolled Back Onto The Lawn And Pressed My Forehead To The Ground Again And Made The Noise That Father Calls Groaning. I Make This Noise When There Is Too Much Information Coming Into My Head From The Outside World. It Is Like When You Are Upset And You Hold The Radio Against Your Ear And You Tune It Halfway Between Two Stations So That All You Get Is White Noise And Then You Turn The Volume Right Up So That This Is All Can Hear And Then You Know You Are Safe Because You Cannot Hear Anything Else

I Think Good Books Have To Make A Few People Angry.

And It Occurred To Him That There Were Two Parts To Being A Better Person. One Part Was Thinking About Other People. The Other Part Was Not Giving A Toss What Other People Thought.

From A Good Book, I Want To Be Taken To The Very Edge. I Want A Glimpse Into That Outer Darkness.

A Lot Of Roles For People With Disabilities Are Quite Patronising. It's A Real Pity When They Are Just Used To Give Dull Pc Kudos To A Drama, Or When They're Wheeled On In A Tokenistic Way Without Any Real Involvement In The Plot.

Things Can Be Funny When People Are Uneasy. It Softens Them Up And Stops Them Falling Asleep On The Sofa. I Like Those Moments Where People Half-smile And Half-wince.

I've Worked In Television Long Enough To Know That When You Stop Enjoying That Type Of Thing You Go Home And Do Something Else.

He Really Did Not Care Whether He Survived Or Not, So Long As It Rendered Him Unconscious And Absolved Him Of Responsibility.

Reading Is A Conversation. All Books Talk. But A Good Book Listens As Well.

Humour And High Seriousness... Perfect Bedfellows, I Think. Though I Usually Phrase It In Terms Of Comedy And Darkness. Comedy Without Darkness Rapidly Becomes Trivial. And Darkness Without Comedy Rapidly Becomes Unbearable.

I Do Not Tell Lies. Mother Used To Say That This Was Because I Was A Good Person. But It Is Not Because I Am A Good Person. It Is Because I Do Not Tell Lie.

But I Don't Feel Sad About It. Because Mother Is Dead. And Because Mr. Shears Isn't Around Anymore. So I Would Be Feeling Sad About Something That Isn't Real And Doesn't Exist. And That Would Be Stupid.

Stories About Mental Aberration And Oddity Only Make Sense In Context. Just How Do People Live With Someone Who Is Peculiar, Gifted, Strange Or Alien? It's Odd Because There's A Little Part Of Me That Wants To Write About Exotic, Strange Bizarre Subjects. Instead, I've Rather Reluctantly Realised That What I Write About Is Families.

Use Your Imagination And You'll See That Even The Most Narrow, Humdrum Lives Are Infinite In Scope If You Examine Them With Enough Care.

I Think One Of The Things You Have To Learn If You're Going To Create Believable Characters Is Never To Make Generalizations About Groups Of People.

I Read Very, Very Little Fiction As A Kid. All The Books I Can Remember Are Junior Science Books.

I Started Writing Books For Children Because I Could Illustrate Them Myself And Because, In My Innocence, I Thought They'd Be Easier.

The One Thing You Have To Do If You Write A Book Is Put Yourself In Someone Else's Shoes. The Reader's Shoes. You've Got To Entertain Them.

And I Go Out Of Father's House And I Walk Down The Street, And It Is Very Quiet Even Thought It Is The Middle Of The Day And I Can't Hear Any Noise Except Birds Singing And Wind And Sometimes Buildings Falling Down In The Distance, And If I Stand Very Close To Traffic Lights I Can Hear A Little Click As The Colors Change.

But I Said That You Could Still Want Something That Is Very Unlikely To Happen.

The Secret Of Contentment Lay In Ignoring Many Things Completely.

If You Enjoy Math And You Write Novels, It's Very Rare That You'll Get A Chance To Put Your Math Into A Novel. I Leapt At The Chance.

...and I Went Into The Garden And Lay Down And Looked At The Stars In The Sky And Made Myself Negligible.

Lots Of Things Are Mysteries. But That Doesn't Mean There Isn't An Answer To Them. It's Just That Scientists Haven't Found The Answer Yet.

I Better Make The Plot Good. I Wanted To Make It Grip People On The First Page And Have A Big Turning Point In The Middle, As There Is, And Construct The Whole Thing Like A Bit Of A Roller Coaster Ride...

I Don't Mean That Literary Fiction Is Better Than Genre Fiction, On The Contrary; Novels Can Perform Two Functions And Most Perform Only One.

I Was Born Too Late For Steam Trains And A Lazy Eye Meant I'd Never Be An Astronaut.

Most Murders Are Committed By Someone Who Is Known To The Victim. In Fact, You Are Most Likely To Be Murdered By A Member Of Your Own Family On Christmas Day.

Jane Austen Writes About These Humdrum Lives With Such Empathy That They Seem Endlessly Fascinating

Find The Extraordinary Inside The Ordinary.

People Think That Alien Spaceships Would Be Solid And Made Of Metal And Have Lights All Over Them And Move Slowly Through The Sky Because That Is How We Would Build A Spaceship If We Were Able To Build One That Big. But Aliens, If They Exist, Would Probably Be Very Different From Us. They Might Look Like Big Slugs, Or Be Flat Like Reflections. Or They Might Be Bigger Than Planets. Or They Might Not Have Bodies At All. They Might Just Be Information, Like In A Computer. And Their Spaceships Might Look Like Clouds, Or Be Made Up Of Unconnected Objects Like Dust Or Leaves.

I Think People Believe In Heaven Because They Don't Like The Idea Of Dying, Because They Want To Carry On Living And They Don't Like The Idea That Other People Will Move Into Their House And Put Their Things Into The Rubbish.

Many Childrens Writers Dont Have Children Of Their Own

One Person Looks Around And Sees A Universe Created By A God Who Watches Over Its Long Unfurling, Marking The Fall Of Sparrows And Listening To The Prayers Of His Finest Creation. Another Person Believes That Life, In All Its Baroque Complexity, Is A Chemical Aberration That Will Briefly Decorate The Surface Of A Ball Of Rock Spinning Somewhere Among A Billion Galaxies. And The Two Of Them Could Talk For Hours And Find No Great Difference Between One Another, For Neither Set Of Beliefs Make Us Kinder Or Wiser.

Siobhan Said That When You Are Writing A Book You Have To Include Some Descriptions Of Things. I Said That I Could Take Photographs And Put Them In The Book. But She Said The Idea Of A Book Was To Describe Things Using Words So That People Could Read Them And Make A Picture In Their Own Head.

Books Are Like People. Some Look Deceptively Attractive From A Distance, Some Deceptively Unappealing; Some Are Easy Company, Some Demand Hard Work That Isn’t Guaranteed To Pay Off. Some Become Friends And Say Friends For Life. Some Change In Our Absence - Or Perhaps It Is We Who Change In Theirs - And We Meet Up Again Only To Find That We Don’t Get Along Any More.

I Like Dogs. You Always Know What A Dog Is Thinking. It Has Four Moods. Happy, Sad, Cross And Concentrating. Also, Dogs Are Faithful And They Do Not Tell Lies Because They Cannot Talk.

I Do Not Like Strangers Because I Do Not Like People I Have Never Met Before. They Are Hard To Understand.

I've Come To Realize That Most Good Ideas Are Precisely The Ones You Can't Describe.

Jane Austen Was Writing About Boring People With Desperately Limited Lives. We Forget This Because We've Seen Too Many Of Her Books On Screen.

I Suffer Depression Only In The Sense That I Am A Writer. We Don't Have Proper Jobs To Go To. We Are On Our Own All Day. Show Me A Writer Who Doesn't Get Depressed: Who Has A Completely Stable Mood. They'd Be A Garage Mechanic Or Something.

Every Life Is Narrow. Our Only Escape Is Not To Run Away, But To Learn To Love The People We Are And The World In Which We Find Ourselves.

You Love Someone, You've Got To Let Something Go.

You Could Ask For Hugs If You Were Feeling Sad Or You'd Hurt Yourself, But When It Happened Spontaneously It Made You Feel Warm Inside.

I Am Atheist In A Very Religious Mould. I'm Always Asking Myself The Big Questions. Where Did We Come From? Is There A Meaning To All Of This? I Read The King James Bible, As All English Writers Should. And When I Find Myself In Church, I Edit The Hymns As I Sing Them.

What Actually Happens When You Die Is That Your Brain Stops Working And Your Body Rots, Like Rabbit Did When He Died And We Buried Him In The Earth At The Bottom Of The Garden. And All His Molecules Were Broken Down Into Other Molecules And They Went Into The Earth And Were Eaten By Worms And Went Into The Plants And If We Go And Dig In The Same Place In 10 Years There Will Be Nothing Exept His Skeleton Left. And In 1,000 Years Even His Skeleton Will Be Gone. But That Is All Right Because He Is A Part Of The Flowers And The Apple Tree And The Hawthorn Bush Now.

There's Something With The Physical Size Of America... American Writers Can Write About America And It Can Still Feel Like A Foreign Country.

Siobhan Also Says That If You Close Your Mouth And Breathe Out Loudly Through Your Nose It Can Mean That You Are Relaxed, Or That You Are Bored, Or That You Are Angry And It All Depends On How Much Air Comes Out Of Your Nose And How Fast And What Shape Your Mouth Is When You Do It And How You Are Sitting And What You Just Said Before And Hundreds Of Other Things Which Are Too Complicated To Work Out In A Few Seconds.

Writing For Children Is Bloody Difficult; Books For Children Are As Complex As Their Adult Counterparts, And They Should Therefore Be Accorded The Same Respect.

And This Shows That People Want To Be Stupid And They Do Not Want To Know The Truth. And It Shows That Something Called Occam's Razor Is True. And Occam's Razor Is Not A Razor That Men Shave With But A Law, And It Says: Entia Non Sunt Multiplicanda Praeter Necessitatem. Which Is Latin And It Means: No More Things Should Be Presumed To Exist Than Are Absolutely Necessary. Which Means That A Murder Victim Is Usually Killed By Someone Known To Them And Fairies Are Made Out Of Paper And You Can't Talk To Someone Who Is Dead.

I've Written 16 Children's Books And Five Unpublished Novels. Some Of The Latter Were Breathtakingly Bad.

He Was Asking Too Many Questions And He Was Asking Them Too Quickly. They Were Stacking Up In My Head Like Loaves In The Factory Where Uncle Terry Works. The Factory Is A Bakery And He Operates The Slicing Machines. And Sometimes A Slicer Is Not Working Fast Enough But The Bread Keeps Coming And There Is A Blockage. I Sometimes Think Of My Mind As A Machine, But Not Always As A Bread-slicing Machine. It Makes It Easier To Explain To Other People What Is Going On Inside It.

I Like Having My Back Pressed Against A Wall And Being Made To Work Harder So I Don't Embarrass Myself.

Science And Literature Give Me Answers. And They Ask Me Questions I Will Never Be Able To Answer.

For Me, Disability Is A Way Of Getting Some Extremity, Some Kind Of Very Difficult Situation, That Throws An Interesting Light On People.

Difficult Situations

Usually People Look At You When They're Talking To You. I Know That They're Working Out What I'm Thinking, But I Can't Tell What They're Thinking. It Is Like Being In A Room With A One-way Mirror In A Spy Film.

Bore Children, And They Stop Reading. There's No Room For Self-indulgence Or Showing Off Or Setting The Scene.

... He Had Always Rather Liked Emergencies. Other People's At Any Rate. They Put Your Own Problems Into Perspective. It Was Like Being On A Ferry. You Didn't Have To Think About What You Had To Do Or Where You Had To Go For The Next Few Hours. It Was All Laid Out For You.

And When The Universe Has Finished Exploding All The Stars Will Slow Down, Like A Ball That Has Been Thrown Into The Air, And They Will Come To A Halt And They Will All Begin To Fall Towards The Centre Of The Universe Again. And Then There Will Be Nothing To Stop Us Seeing All The Stars In The World Because They Will All Be Moving Towards Us, Gradually Faster And Faster, And We Will Know That The World Is Going To End Soon Because When We Look Up Into The Sky At Night There Will Be No Darkness, Just The Blazing Light Of Billions And Billions Of Stars, All Falling.

And People Who Believe In God Think God Has Put Human Beings On Earth Because They Think Human Beings Are The Best Animal, But Human Beings Are Just An Animal And They Will Evolve Into Another Animal, And That Animal Will Be Cleverer And It Will Put Human Beings Into A Zoo, Like We Put Chimpanzees And Gorillas Into A Zoo. Or Human Beings Will All Catch A Disease And Die Out Or They Will Make Too Much Pollution And Kill Themselves, And Then There Will Only Be Insects In The World And They Will Be The Best Animal.

And This Shows That Sometimes People Want To Be Stupid And They Do Not Want To Know The Truth.

At Twenty Life Was Like Wrestling An Octopus. Every Moment Mattered. At Thirty It Was A Walk In The Country. Most Of The Time Your Mind Was Somewhere Else. By The Time You Got To Seventy, It Was Probably Like Watching Snooker On The Telly.

...and I Wrote A Book And That Means I Can Do Anything

The Word "metaphor" Means Carrying Something From One Place To Another . . . And It Is When You Describe Something By Using A Word For Something That It Isn't. This Means That The Word "metaphor" Is A Metaphor. I Think It Should Be Called A Lie Because A Pig Is Not Like A Day And People People Do Not Have Skeletons In Their Cupboards. And When I Try And Make A Picture Of The Phrase In My Head It Just Confuses Me Because Imagining And Apple In Someone's Eye Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Liking Someone A Lot And It Makes You Forget What The Person Was Talking About.

Mother Used To Say It Meant Christopher Was A Nice Name Because It Was A Story About Being Kind And Helpful, But I Do Not Want My Name To Mean A Story About Being Kind And Helpful. I Want My Name To Mean Me.

With English Literature, If You Do A Bit Of Shonky Spelling, No One Dies, But If You're Half-way Through A Maths Calculation And You Stick In An Extra Zero, Everything Just Crashes Into The Ravine.

Then He Asked If I Didn’t Like Things Changing. And I Said I Wouldn’t Mind Things Changing If I Became An Astronaut, For Example, Which Is One Of The Biggest Changes You Can Imagine, Apart From Becoming A Girl Or Dying.

..and Only Sticks And Stones Can Break My Bones.

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