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I Promote My Own Self-hatred.

-Jonathan Ames

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I Promote My Own

Jonathan Ames

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I Promote My Own Self-hatred.

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No One I Interact With - Except Maybe For Family And Strangers At The Russian Baths And Other Weird Places I May Go To - Is Just Friends Or Lovers With Me: They Also Know Something Of My Writing And This Distorts Their Take On Me.

I Grew Up In Northern New Jersey - The Banlieue Of New York - And I Now Live In Brooklyn. I Am Separated From My Parents By About 50 Miles, But Really There Is Almost No Distance Between Us. I Speak To Them Nearly Every Day.

I Wondered Where The Person Was Who Had Taken My Place, Who Wanted To Know What News People Had Been Told. I'm Always Looking For The Person Who Replaces Me, Who Thinks The Things I Do, Who Fills In For Me When I'm Not There. I Know There Is Someone Younger Than Me Doing What I Did And Someone Older Doing What I Will Do, And Someone My Age Being Just Like Me.

I Didn't Play Or Like A Lot Of Board Games As A Child. I Liked Playing With My G.i. Joes And Making Up Adventures For Them.

It's Hard For Me To Think Of Writing A Novel, Because It Takes So Long.

I'm Actually Much More Shy And Self-conscious Than People's Perception Of Me.

Oh, God, I Don't Know What's More Difficult, Life Or The English Language.

It Was One Of Those Days When Every Time I Went To Go Out The Door, Something Grabbed Me In The Back Of The Brain And Said, Lie Down And Masturbate One More Time.

Mostly I Have To Try To Censor Myself So As Not To Write Things That Will Hurt Other People, Or That Will Go Too Far.

People Don't Expect Too Much From Literature. They Just Want To Know They're Not Alone With Being Confused.

I'm On The Verge Of A Total Breakdown. Sciatica. Taxes. Cars. Fleas, Possibly. It's An Absurd Existence.

I Don't Like To Publicly Acknowledge Being A Jew.

In Fact, I Have No Hobbies. The Only Thing I Like To Do In Life Is To Go To The Russian Baths In Manhattan. I Also Like To Watch Sports On Tv, And I Like To Read Books. So That's It - Russian Baths, Sports, And Books.

Maybe My Work Isn't A Cry For Help. It May Just Be A Baby's Need To Cry Or A Dog's Need To Bark. You Know, Barks That Seem Connected To Phantom Noises And Cries That Just Come; Though A Baby's Cries Are Usually Efficient - Something Is Bothering Them. Anyway, I Think Giving Money Is A Sign Of Love. If You Truly Want To Help Someone, A Lot Of Times Giving Them Money Is The Best Thing You Can Do.

Something Has Happened Where You Almost Never Grow Up In America. Maybe It's The Greater Wealth.

I Don't Really Know The Person Who Wrote The Things I Wrote. I Kind Of Know Him, But I Change So Much All The Time That It's Like I Start Fresh Over And Over And Over And Over. Writing-wise And Life-wise.

There's No Shortage Of Material In Life.

I Live For Coincidences. They Briefly Give To Me The Illusion Or The Hope That There's A Pattern To My Life, And If There's A Pattern, Then Maybe I'm Moving Toward Some Kind Of Destiny Where It's All Explained.

From Age 23 To 44 - I'm 45 Now - I Was Always In Need Of Money, And I Was Especially In Need Of It From 23 To About 34, And My Great Aunt Would Always Give Me Money, A Hundred Bucks, Every Two Months Or So, And A Lot Of Times That Hundred Bucks Made A Huge Difference - I Could Eat Or Pay A Small Bill. It Kept Me Going. She Gave Me Money. It Was Very Loving.

There Are So Many Talented Young Writers Named Jonathan, With Whom By Comparison I Suffer Terribly.

Then Again, The Name, The Associations With A Writer's Name, Can Add To The Reader's Entertainment And Pleasure.

I Am Always The Source Of The Worst Rumors About Myself.

For Me, Books Have Always Been A Way To Feel Less Alone While Being Alone. Perhaps If I Was Depressed And Isolated, Just Communicating With These Authors Through Their Sentences Helped Me.

From Age 23 To 44 - I'm 45 Now - I Was Always In Need Of Money, And I Was Especially In Need Of It From 23 To About 34, And My Great Aunt Would Always Give Me Money, A Hundred Bucks, Every Two Months Or So, And A Lot Of Times That Hundred Bucks Made A Huge Difference - I Could Eat Or Pay A Small Bill. It Kept Me Going. She Gave Me Money. It Was Very Loving.

I Always Liked Those Characters In 'true Blood' Who Could Turn Into Animals. I'd Love To Be An Animal Of Some Kind And Run Quickly Through A Forest.

I'm Actually Much More Shy And Self-conscious Than People's Perception Of Me.

Having A Show Get Canceled Is Like, 'oh, You Have Caviar Between Your Teeth,' You Know What I Mean? Because You Had A Show In The First Place.

I Was Aware That I Was Acting Atrociously But I Couldn't Stop Myself. Rarely Had I Behaved In Such A Manner. But I Guess When We're Feeling Lonely In Life, We Attack Those Who Actually Do Love Us. It's One Of The Things That Characterizes Human Nature And Can Be Summed Up In One Word: Flawed.

Having A Show Get Canceled Is Like, 'oh, You Have Caviar Between Your Teeth,' You Know What I Mean? Because You Had A Show In The First Place.

I Drink Coffee. Without Coffee, I Probably Couldnt Write.

People Don't Expect Too Much From Literature. They Just Want To Know They're Not Alone With Being Confused.

A Lot Of Writing Is A Form Of Seeing - Putting Down What You See In Terms Of Action And Landscape.

To Write About A Place, You Have To Live There.

For Me, The Past Is Dead. Can't Go Back.

I Was Aware That I Was Acting Atrociously But I Couldn't Stop Myself. Rarely Had I Behaved In Such A Manner. But I Guess When We're Feeling Lonely In Life, We Attack Those Who Actually Do Love Us. It's One Of The Things That Characterizes Human Nature And Can Be Summed Up In One Word: Flawed.

Some Ego Is Involved Because I Guess One Wants To Be Perceived As A Good Clown And One Puts One's Name On The Art; But It's So Hard To Do Anything In Life, Trapped As We Are In Our Bodies, That Is Purely Selfless For Others... Somehow The Self Is Always Involved.

I Certainly Want To Portray The Importance Of Friendship. I Had Noticed In Movies And Tv Shows That Friends Often Treated One Another Terribly, And My Friends, The Few I Have, Are Never Cruel To Me Or Unkind, So I Wanted To Convey That.

In Fact, I Have No Hobbies. The Only Thing I Like To Do In Life Is To Go To The Russian Baths In Manhattan. I Also Like To Watch Sports On Tv, And I Like To Read Books. So That's It - Russian Baths, Sports, And Books.

I Am Always The Source Of The Worst Rumors About Myself.

After My First Novel, My Mother Said To Me, 'why Don't You Make Your Writing More Funny? You're So Funny In Person.' Because My First Novel Was Rather Dark. And I Don't Know, But Something About What She Said Was True. 'yes, Why Don't I?' Maybe I Was Afraid To Be Funny In The Writing. But Since Then, Seven Books Later, Almost Everything I've Done Has A Comedic Edge To It.

There Are So Many Talented Young Writers Named Jonathan, With Whom By Comparison I Suffer Terribly.

As A Child, I Wanted To Be An Athlete, A Professional Tennis Player Or Something Like That.

I Drink Coffee. Without Coffee, I Probably Couldnt Write.

I Live For Coincidences. They Briefly Give To Me The Illusion Or The Hope That There's A Pattern To My Life, And If There's A Pattern, Then Maybe I'm Moving Toward Some Kind Of Destiny Where It's All Explained.

For Me, The Past Is Dead. Can't Go Back.

A Lot Of Readers Have Actually Helped Me, Been Really Sweet To Me... So Maybe My Cry For Help Has Sometimes Been Answered.

To Write About A Place, You Have To Live There.

I Don't Like To Publicly Acknowledge Being A Jew.

I Don't Like Rides. I Take Everything In Life Quite Literally, And So I Genuinely Feel Terrified On Rides And Liable To Vomit At Any Moment, And I Hate To Vomit Even More Than I Fear Rides. So, All This To Say, I Don't Have A Favorite Ride. I Don't Go On Rides. Well, That's Not True. A Few Years Ago I Had A Beautiful, Romantic Moment On The Ferris Wheel At Coney Island, Known As The Wonder Wheel, And So I Guess That's My Favorite Ride, Though Even That, To Be Frank, Terrified Me.

I've Always Been Intrigued By Stockholm Syndrome. Reminds Me Of My Childhood.

Stockholm Syndrome

For Me, Books Have Always Been A Way To Feel Less Alone While Being Alone.

I've Really Never Written About My Relationships, Or Things Like That. I Wouldn't Want To Divulge Things That Were Too Private.

One Last Thing On Objectives - I Like To Make Things, Create Things, So That's Probably Been The Primary Objective All Along, Even Before The Ego Objective - To Make. To Record. But Why Record... That Gets Back To The Ego, A Little. Oh, Well. Making Is Good. I Like To Make Things.

It Seems Like The Original 'star Trek' Could Have Gone On Longer.

Original Star Trek

After My First Novel, My Mother Said To Me, 'why Don't You Make Your Writing More Funny? You're So Funny In Person.' Because My First Novel Was Rather Dark. And I Don't Know, But Something About What She Said Was True. 'yes, Why Don't I?' Maybe I Was Afraid To Be Funny In The Writing. But Since Then, Seven Books Later, Almost Everything I've Done Has A Comedic Edge To It.

I Don't Really Recognise Success. I Don't See Myself As On An Upwardly Mobile Trajectory. I See Myself As On The Edge Of A Cliff About To Fall Off.

Whether I'm Writing Scripts Or Prose, The Goal Is Identical. To Give Pleasure. Now Whether I Succeed Or Not Is Up For Debate, And, Mostly, I Fail. But I Try. I Like To Make Things. It's A Way To Stay Busy During One's Ephemeral And Confusing Life.

A Lot Of Readers Have Actually Helped Me, Been Really Sweet To Me... So Maybe My Cry For Help Has Sometimes Been Answered.

The Reason It's Hard For Me To Tweet Is I Don't Want To Pronounce Anything, And Twitter Is For Pronouncing.

Mostly I Have To Try To Censor Myself So As Not To Write Things That Will Hurt Other People, Or That Will Go Too Far.

Nothing Wrong With Changing Your Mind. That's A Very Unwaffling Thing To Say: "nothing Wrong..." Who Am I To Say That There's Nothing Wrong With It? Maybe Something Is Wrong With Changing Your Mind. Anyway, Love Is Very, Very Difficult. I Love. But Probably Because I Hate Myself On Some Deep, Sick Level, It Makes Loving Difficult. But I Do Try.

Whenever I Wrote Fiction, People Always Seemed To Think That What I Wrote Was True, That It Was Entirely Autobiographical. And When I Would Write Non-fiction, They Often Accused Me Of Exaggeration And Fictionalization.

Then Again, The Name, The Associations With A Writer's Name, Can Add To The Reader's Entertainment And Pleasure.

My Sophomore English Teacher Encouraged Me To Write For The School Paper, And That's What Got Me Started. Suddenly It Struck Me That Being A Writer Could Be A Romantic And Adventurous Position. Previously, I Had Thought I Would Be A Tennis Pro, Giving Lessons At A Local Club. I Thought That Would Be A Good Life, And It Might Have Been.

I'm Also Not Sure That I Look Up To Others As Knowing What The Hell Is Going On, Except Maybe Andre Agassi, Who, When I Interviewed Him, While Covering The U.s. Open, Seemed To Know What Was Going On. My Basic Assumption Is That We're All Confused All The Time. Some People Do Act More Confident, Though. Maybe They Aren't Confused. I Am. I'm Confused.

It's Hard To Leave New York: This Is Where My Friends Are, My Parents Are. It Is So Vital. The Whole World Seems To Look To New York.

I Hid My Underwear Beneath A Parked Peugeot.

Whether I'm Writing Scripts Or Prose, The Goal Is Identical. To Give Pleasure. Now Whether I Succeed Or Not Is Up For Debate, And, Mostly, I Fail. But I Try. I Like To Make Things. It's A Way To Stay Busy During One's Ephemeral And Confusing Life.

I Wish We Had A Dog In The Show So That I Could Get To Be A Dog For A Day.

I Grew Up In Northern New Jersey - The Banlieue Of New York - And I Now Live In Brooklyn. I Am Separated From My Parents By About 50 Miles, But Really There Is Almost No Distance Between Us. I Speak To Them Nearly Every Day.

How Terrible To Be Alcoholic. You Just Want To Quietly Soothe And Maybe Poison Yourself, But You End Up Poisoning Those Around You As Well, Like Trying To Commit Suicide With A Gas Oven And Unwittingly Murdering Your Neighbors.

I Need To Stay In The Present And Use That New-age Mantra: 'i'm Okay Right Now.' But I Worry About All The Things I'm Failing At Every Moment.

I Am Part Of A Vast Generation Of People Who Perpetually Live As If They Just Graduated From College.

Nothing Wrong With Changing Your Mind. That's A Very Unwaffling Thing To Say: "nothing Wrong..." Who Am I To Say That There's Nothing Wrong With It? Maybe Something Is Wrong With Changing Your Mind. Anyway, Love Is Very, Very Difficult. I Love. But Probably Because I Hate Myself On Some Deep, Sick Level, It Makes Loving Difficult. But I Do Try.

I Have Very Few Hobbies. In Fact, I Have No Hobbies.

I Always Liked Those Characters In 'true Blood' Who Could Turn Into Animals. I'd Love To Be An Animal Of Some Kind And Run Quickly Through A Forest.

It's Hard To Leave New York: This Is Where My Friends Are, My Parents Are. It Is So Vital. The Whole World Seems To Look To New York.

For Me, Books Have Always Been A Way To Feel Less Alone While Being Alone. Perhaps If I Was Depressed And Isolated, Just Communicating With These Authors Through Their Sentences Helped Me.

I've Always Been Inspired By Don Quixote As A Role Model Of Sorts, Of The Power Of Books To Sort Of Make You Insane In Maybe A Beautiful Way.

It's Hard For Me To Think Of Writing A Novel, Because It Takes So Long.

Even When I Was Living Below The Poverty Line As A Novelist, I Was Still Living Better Than 99.5% Of The Human Population Of The World. But In My Little, Soft Realm Of Trying To Amuse A Few Dozen Middle-class People With My Books And Articles, I Did Struggle To Survive In My Own Way.

A Lot Of Writing Is A Form Of Seeing - Putting Down What You See In Terms Of Action And Landscape.

I've Really Never Written About My Relationships, Or Things Like That. I Wouldn't Want To Divulge Things That Were Too Private.

I've Always Been Inspired By Don Quixote As A Role Model Of Sorts, Of The Power Of Books To Sort Of Make You Insane In Maybe A Beautiful Way.

I'm Also Not Sure That I Look Up To Others As Knowing What The Hell Is Going On, Except Maybe Andre Agassi, Who, When I Interviewed Him, While Covering The U.s. Open, Seemed To Know What Was Going On. My Basic Assumption Is That We're All Confused All The Time. Some People Do Act More Confident, Though. Maybe They Aren't Confused. I Am. I'm Confused.

Personally, I've Never Had It As A Goal In Life To Be Happy. Seems Impossible To Achieve. Even The Declaration Of Independence Seems To Acknowledge This. They Talk About The Pursuit Of Happiness, Not Happiness Itself.

Pursuit Of Happiness

Unfortunately, I'm One Of Those Idiots Who Knows Everything About Health And Is In A Constant State Of Alarm, And Yet I Continue To Do Everything I Shouldn't Do.

Even When I Was Living Below The Poverty Line As A Novelist, I Was Still Living Better Than 99.5% Of The Human Population Of The World. But In My Little, Soft Realm Of Trying To Amuse A Few Dozen Middle-class People With My Books And Articles, I Did Struggle To Survive In My Own Way.

Don't Hold Me To Anything In The Book. I'm A Waffler. I Like Wafflers. They Said John Kerry Was A Waffler, But I Admired Him For That - Showed He Could Change His Mind.

I Didn't Play Or Like A Lot Of Board Games As A Child. I Liked Playing With My G.i. Joes And Making Up Adventures For Them.

Whenever I Wrote Fiction, People Always Seemed To Think That What I Wrote Was True, That It Was Entirely Autobiographical. And When I Would Write Non-fiction, They Often Accused Me Of Exaggeration And Fictionalization.

As A Child, I Wanted To Be An Athlete, A Professional Tennis Player Or Something Like That.

No One I Interact With - Except Maybe For Family And Strangers At The Russian Baths And Other Weird Places I May Go To - Is Just Friends Or Lovers With Me: They Also Know Something Of My Writing And This Distorts Their Take On Me.

I Need To Stay In The Present And Use That New-age Mantra: 'i'm Okay Right Now.' But I Worry About All The Things I'm Failing At Every Moment.

I've Always Been Intrigued By Stockholm Syndrome. Reminds Me Of My Childhood.

Stockholm Syndrome

For Me, Books Have Always Been A Way To Feel Less Alone While Being Alone.

I Don't Laugh That Much, But I Do Like Humorous Books, And I Like To Entertain Readers That Way.

The Real Self And The Public Self Are Intertwined, Like A Tumor Around An Organ, And You Can't Cut The Tumor Or You'll Kill The Organ, So They Live Together, Until The Tumor Chokes The Organ Off - But Which Self Is The Tumor?. Or It's Like Something Out Of Star Trek. The Borg.

I Wish We Had A Dog In The Show So That I Could Get To Be A Dog For A Day.

I Started Puberty Very Late. I Was Nearly Sixteen. And For Complicated Reasons This Late Arrival Of My Puberty Caused Me To Stop Playing Competitive Tennis. But Before My Puberty Problem, I Had Trouble With My Lower Back And With My Left Testicle.

I Am Part Of A Vast Generation Of People Who Perpetually Live As If They Just Graduated From College.

Don't Hold Me To Anything In The Book. I'm A Waffler. I Like Wafflers. They Said John Kerry Was A Waffler, But I Admired Him For That - Showed He Could Change His Mind.

I Didn't Think I Was In A Morbid Mood, But It Appears I Am. My Mind Goes Round And Round Trying To Figure Things Out, But I Always Come Back To The Same Two Things: Loneliness And Death. Life Ends Before We Figure Anything Out, Most Importantly How Not To Be Lonely. Solitude Is Fine. But Feeling Like You Have No One To Love - Abject Lonliness - Is Not Alright.

I Enjoy Both Tv Writing And Novel Writing, And They Are Very Similar. The Goal Is To Entertain And Amuse The Audience, And I Subscribe To This P.g. Wodehouse Piece Of Advice: "try To Give Pleasure With Every Sentence."

I Certainly Want To Portray The Importance Of Friendship. I Had Noticed In Movies And Tv Shows That Friends Often Treated One Another Terribly, And My Friends, The Few I Have, Are Never Cruel To Me Or Unkind, So I Wanted To Convey That.

I Didn't Think I Was In A Morbid Mood, But It Appears I Am. My Mind Goes Round And Round Trying To Figure Things Out, But I Always Come Back To The Same Two Things: Loneliness And Death. Life Ends Before We Figure Anything Out, Most Importantly How Not To Be Lonely. Solitude Is Fine. But Feeling Like You Have No One To Love - Abject Lonliness - Is Not Alright.

One Last Thing On Objectives - I Like To Make Things, Create Things, So That's Probably Been The Primary Objective All Along, Even Before The Ego Objective - To Make. To Record. But Why Record... That Gets Back To The Ego, A Little. Oh, Well. Making Is Good. I Like To Make Things.

I Don't Really Know The Person Who Wrote The Things I Wrote. I Kind Of Know Him, But I Change So Much All The Time That It's Like I Start Fresh Over And Over And Over And Over. Writing-wise And Life-wise.

Oh, God, I Don't Know What's More Difficult, Life Or The English Language.

I Enjoy Both Tv Writing And Novel Writing, And They Are Very Similar. The Goal Is To Entertain And Amuse The Audience, And I Subscribe To This P.g. Wodehouse Piece Of Advice: "try To Give Pleasure With Every Sentence."

Maybe My Work Isn't A Cry For Help. It May Just Be A Baby's Need To Cry Or A Dog's Need To Bark. You Know, Barks That Seem Connected To Phantom Noises And Cries That Just Come; Though A Baby's Cries Are Usually Efficient - Something Is Bothering Them. Anyway, I Think Giving Money Is A Sign Of Love. If You Truly Want To Help Someone, A Lot Of Times Giving Them Money Is The Best Thing You Can Do.

How Terrible To Be Alcoholic. You Just Want To Quietly Soothe And Maybe Poison Yourself, But You End Up Poisoning Those Around You As Well, Like Trying To Commit Suicide With A Gas Oven And Unwittingly Murdering Your Neighbors.

I Hid My Underwear Beneath A Parked Peugeot.

I Promote My Own Self-hatred.

The Work Changes The Way Your Face Changes And Ages - It Just Does. Also, I Have Very Little Connection To Anything I've Written. I Move On. We All Move On

My Sophomore English Teacher Encouraged Me To Write For The School Paper, And That's What Got Me Started. Suddenly It Struck Me That Being A Writer Could Be A Romantic And Adventurous Position. Previously, I Had Thought I Would Be A Tennis Pro, Giving Lessons At A Local Club. I Thought That Would Be A Good Life, And It Might Have Been.

Some Ego Is Involved Because I Guess One Wants To Be Perceived As A Good Clown And One Puts One's Name On The Art; But It's So Hard To Do Anything In Life, Trapped As We Are In Our Bodies, That Is Purely Selfless For Others... Somehow The Self Is Always Involved.

It Was One Of Those Days When Every Time I Went To Go Out The Door, Something Grabbed Me In The Back Of The Brain And Said, Lie Down And Masturbate One More Time.

The Work Changes The Way Your Face Changes And Ages - It Just Does. Also, I Have Very Little Connection To Anything I've Written. I Move On. We All Move On

I Promote My Own Self-hatred.

The Reason It's Hard For Me To Tweet Is I Don't Want To Pronounce Anything, And Twitter Is For Pronouncing.

I Don't Really Recognise Success. I Don't See Myself As On An Upwardly Mobile Trajectory. I See Myself As On The Edge Of A Cliff About To Fall Off.

I Wondered Where The Person Was Who Had Taken My Place, Who Wanted To Know What News People Had Been Told. I'm Always Looking For The Person Who Replaces Me, Who Thinks The Things I Do, Who Fills In For Me When I'm Not There. I Know There Is Someone Younger Than Me Doing What I Did And Someone Older Doing What I Will Do, And Someone My Age Being Just Like Me.

I Started Puberty Very Late. I Was Nearly Sixteen. And For Complicated Reasons This Late Arrival Of My Puberty Caused Me To Stop Playing Competitive Tennis. But Before My Puberty Problem, I Had Trouble With My Lower Back And With My Left Testicle.

The Real Self And The Public Self Are Intertwined, Like A Tumor Around An Organ, And You Can't Cut The Tumor Or You'll Kill The Organ, So They Live Together, Until The Tumor Chokes The Organ Off - But Which Self Is The Tumor?. Or It's Like Something Out Of Star Trek. The Borg.

I Don't Like Rides. I Take Everything In Life Quite Literally, And So I Genuinely Feel Terrified On Rides And Liable To Vomit At Any Moment, And I Hate To Vomit Even More Than I Fear Rides. So, All This To Say, I Don't Have A Favorite Ride. I Don't Go On Rides. Well, That's Not True. A Few Years Ago I Had A Beautiful, Romantic Moment On The Ferris Wheel At Coney Island, Known As The Wonder Wheel, And So I Guess That's My Favorite Ride, Though Even That, To Be Frank, Terrified Me.

It Seems Like The Original 'star Trek' Could Have Gone On Longer.

Original Star Trek

I Have Very Few Hobbies. In Fact, I Have No Hobbies.

I Don't Laugh That Much, But I Do Like Humorous Books, And I Like To Entertain Readers That Way.

There's No Shortage Of Material In Life.

Personally, I've Never Had It As A Goal In Life To Be Happy. Seems Impossible To Achieve. Even The Declaration Of Independence Seems To Acknowledge This. They Talk About The Pursuit Of Happiness, Not Happiness Itself.

Pursuit Of Happiness

I'm On The Verge Of A Total Breakdown. Sciatica. Taxes. Cars. Fleas, Possibly. It's An Absurd Existence.

Something Has Happened Where You Almost Never Grow Up In America. Maybe It's The Greater Wealth.

Unfortunately, I'm One Of Those Idiots Who Knows Everything About Health And Is In A Constant State Of Alarm, And Yet I Continue To Do Everything I Shouldn't Do.

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