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I'm Not A Reporter But The 'new Yorker' Treats Everyone Like A Reporter.
-David Sedaris
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I'm Not A Reporter

David Sedaris
...
I'm Not A Reporter But The 'new Yorker' Treats Everyone Like A Reporter.

Understanding the Quote: "i'm not a reporter but the 'new yorker' treats everyone like a..."

This quote by David Sedaris reflects deeply on the theme of treats. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Treats, Reporters, New Yorkers, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how David Sedaris interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About David Sedaris

David Sedaris is celebrated for insightful thoughts on treats and reporters. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

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Topic
Treats
Reporters
New Yorkers
More From David Sedaris
Every Gathering Has Its Moment. As An Adult, I Distract Myself By Trying To Identify It, Dreading The Inevitable Downswing That Is Sure To Follow. The Guests Will Repeat Themselves One Too Many Times, Or You'll Run Out Of Dope Or Liquor And Realize That It Was All You Ever Had In Common.
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I've Always Had A Way With The Little People, Making It A Point To Humor Them Without Looking Down My Nose At Their Wasted Empty Lives.
Empty Life
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I've Never Gone On Facebook And Am Not Sure I Understand It. The Same Goes For Twitter. I Have Someone Sending Tweets And Pretending To Be Me, But I Don't Know Why.
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Like All Of My Friends, She's A Lousy Judge Of Character.
Character
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Judge Of Character
I Think If You Write Humor, Then People Don't - You Know - They Don't Give You That Much Credit. They Tend To Think You Just Dictate Your Stories Into A Tape Recorder. And I'm Not Necessarily Insulted By That, Because I Think That Just Means That It Looks Easy.
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Oh, For Christ's Sake,' I Hear. 'can We Please Just Try To Have A Good Time?' This Is Like Ordering Someone To Find You Attractive, And It Doesn't Work. I've Tried It.
Trying
Sake
Good Times
It Didn't Seem Fair To Me That Jon Stewart's Rally Didn't Get The Same Kind Of Attention That Glenn Beck's Did. Why Was Beck's Seen As Checking The Thermometer Of The Country, And Jon Stewart Just Dismissed As A Satirist?
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Attention
Kind
“this Is Hurting Me A Lot More Than It’s Hurting You,” He Said. It Was His Standard Line, But I Knew That This Time He Was Right. Worse Than The Boil Was The Stuff That Came Out Of It. What Got To Me, And Got To Him Even Worse, Was The Stench, Which Was Unbearable, And Unlike Anything I Had Come Across Before. It Was, I Thought, What Evil Must Smell Like - Not An Evil Person But The Wicked Ideas That Have Made Him That Way. How Could A Person Continue To Live With Something So Rotten Inside? And So Much Of It!
Hurt
Ideas
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It Makes Me Wonder Sometimes. Remember A Couple Years Ago, When Mexicans Went On Strike? It Was Talked About A Little Bit But Not That Much. But Some Old White People, And There Aren't Even That Many, They Put Bonnets On, And Then They Control The News.
Couple
Years
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Hugh Returned From His Trip, And Days Later I Still Sounded Like A Red Chinese Asking Questions About The Democratic Hinterlands. "and You Actually Saw People Smoking In Restaurants? Really! And Offices, Too? Oh, Tell Me Again About The Ashtrays In The Hospital Waiting Room, And Don't Leave Anything Out."
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Waiting Rooms
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Real Love Amounts To Withholding The Truth, Even When You're Offered The Perfect Opportunity To Hurt Someone's Feelings.
Funny Love
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Real
I Was Just Struggling With My Inner Vachette And Pondering The Depths Of My Own Inhumanity.
Struggle
Depth
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I've Maintained Old Friendships, Like With People I Knew In The Nineteen-seventies, But Have Lost The Knack For Meeting New People. This Has A Lot To Do With My Writing Schedule. I Don't Want To Be Disturbed, And The Willingness To Be Disturbed Is, I Think, Part Of Being A Good Friend.
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Thinking
The Only Bright Spot In The Entire Evening Was The Presence Of Kevin "tubby" Matchwell, The Eleven-year-old Porker Who Tackled The Role Of Santa With A Beguiling Authenticity. The False Beard Tended To Muffle His Speech, But They Could Hear His Chafing Thighs All The Way To The North Pole.
Christmas
Years
Evening
I'd Always Thought That I Understood This, But Lately I Realize That What I Call "understanding" Is Basically Just Fantasizing.
Understanding
Realizing
Understood
I Would Be Writing And Trying To Write Like Joan Didion. Or If I Was Reading Raymond Carver. You Know, Strong Stylists. But That's How You Find Your Voice, Is Imitating Other People. So Things Like That Didn't Embarrass Me, Because I Thought, Well, That's How It Goes. That's How Everyone Learns.
Strong
Reading
Writing
People Are Often Frightened Of Parisians, But An American In Paris Will Find No Harsher Critic Than Another American.
Paris
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Frightened
Jeremy, Good Luck On Your First Marriage.
Good Luck
Luck
Firsts
His Embarassment Would Have Pleased Me, But Once He Recovered, There Would Be That Awkward Period That Sometimes Culminates In A Handshake. I Didn't Want To Touch These People's Hands Or See Things From Their Point Of View, I Just Wanted To Continue Hating Them. So I Kept My Mouth Shut And Stared Off Into Space.
Hate
Views
Hands
I Think I Became A Better Writer After I Started Writing For The New Yorker. Well, I Know I Did. And Part Of It Was Having My New Yorker Editor And Part Of It Is That Was When I Started Really Going On Tour And Reading Things In Front Of An Audience 30 Times And Then Going Back In The Room And Rewriting It And Reading It And Rewriting It. So You Really Get The Rhythm Of The Sentences Down And You Really Get The Flow Down And You Get Rid Of Stuff That's Not Important.
Reading
Writing
Thinking
I Would Start By Writing To An Adult, Maybe A High School Teacher, Or Maybe An Aunt Or Uncle, And Writing And Telling Them Why You Want To Go To A Particular University. That's Probably What You Would Actually Sound Like. Then Write Your Letter To The University, And Put Those 2 Versions In Front Of You, And Look At The Difference Between Those 2 Things.
Teacher
Uncles
Writing
I'm Not A Reporter But The 'new Yorker' Treats Everyone Like A Reporter.
Treats
Reporters
New Yorkers
It Was My Friend Frank, A Writer In San Francisco, Who Finally Set Me Straight. When Asked About My New Look He Put Down His Fork And Stared At Me For A Few Moments. "a Bow Tie Announces To The World You Can No Longer Get An Erection."
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Ties
Looks
Faced With An Exciting Question, Science Tended To Provide The Dullest Possible Answer. Ions Might Charge The Air But They Fell Flat When It Came To Charging The Imagination - My Imagination, Anyway.
Air
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My Hands Tend To Be Full Enough Dealing With People Who Hate Me For Who I Am. Concentrate Too Hard On The Millions Of People Who Hate You For What You Are And You're Likely To Turn Into One Of Those Unkempt, Sloppy Dressers Who Sag Beneath The Weight Of The Two Hundred Political Buttons They Wear Pinned To Their Coats And Knapsacks.
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If I'm Riding My Bike I Just Replay The Same Scenarios Over And Over In My Head, Like I Haven't Had A New Mental Adventure Since High School. So That's What I Like About Books On Tape, So My Mind Can't Wander Anywhere.
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Up Close The City Constitutes An Oppressive Series Of Staircases, But From A Distance It Inspires Fantasies Of Wealth And Power So Profound That Even Our Communists Are Temporarily Rendered Speechless.
Distance
Cities
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I Wanted To Be A Visual Artist, But I Realized I Was More Affected By What I Read Than By What I Saw. I Would Go To A Show At A Museum And Look At A Painting And Say, 'oh I Wish I Owned That,' And That Would Be The End Of My Relationship With A Painting. With A Short Story I Would Read Or With An Author I Would Discover I Could Be Haunted. It Would Affect My Mood And Affect The Way That I Saw The World. I Thought, Wow, It Would Be Amazing To Be Able To Do That.
Artist
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It Can Take Years. With The First Draft, I Just Write Everything. With The Second Draft, It Becomes So Depressing For Me, Because I Realize That I Was Fooled Into Thinking I'd Written The Story. I Hadn't-i Had Just Typed For A Long Time. So Then I Have To Carve Out A Story From The 25 Or So Pages. It's In There Somewhere-but I Have To Find It. I'll Then Write A Third, Fourth, And Fifth Draft, And So On.
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Thinking
What I Really Hated, Of Course, Was My Mind. There Must Have Been An Off Switch Somewhere, But I Was Damned If I Could Find It.
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I Think It Just Has To Do With Getting Older And Getting Better At What It Was I Was Doing, And That I Could Take Something Small And Kind Of Take My Time With It. I Think Actually What That Has To Do With Is I Quit Drinking. Before That I Told Myself I Could Only Drink If I Was - If I Was Writing, I Had To Be Drinking. So I Was On A Timer, Because Eventually You Get Too Drunk To Write.
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I Haven't Got The Slightest Idea How To Change People, But Still I Keep A Long List Of Prospective Candidates Just In Case I Should Ever Figure It Out.
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Because I've Always Been A Fairly Nervous Person.
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If You Aren't Cute, You May As Well Be Clever.
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Hugh And I Have Been Together For So Long That In Order To Arouse Extraordinary Passion, We Need To Engage In Physical Combat. Once, He Hit Me On The Back Of The Head With A Broken Wineglass, And I Fell To The Floor Pretending To Be Unconscious. That Was Romantic, Or Would Have Been Had He Rushed To My Side Rather Than Stepping Over My Body To Fetch The Dustpan.
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You Know, When You Need Drugs And You Don't Have A Lot Of Money, What You'll Do Is You'll Hang Out With People Who Will Give You Drugs. Right?
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I Like Books On Tape, And Will Listen To Just About Anything.
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My Conscience Is Crosswired With My Sweat Glands, But There's A Short In The System And I Break Out Over Things I Didn't Do, Which Only Makes Me Look More Suspect.
Sweat
Guilt
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... [i] Recall Thinking That The Computer Would Never Advance Much Further Than This. Call Me Naïve, But I Seemed To Have Underestimated The Universal Desire To Sit In A Hard Plastic Chair And Stare At A Screen Until Your Eyes Cross.
Eye
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It Make One's Mouth Hurt To Speak With Such Forced Merriment.
Hurt
Mouths
Speak
God Was Someone I Wound Up Turning Over And Over In My Mind Each Night... Was He Punishing Me With This Meal Or Was He Rewarding Me? Did He Actively Watch Me Or Take Me For Granted Like A Fish You Don't Notice Until It's Floating On The Surface Of The Tank?
God
Night
Mind
Actually I Liked That 'let The Right One In,' That Swedish Vampire Movie.
Vampire
Swedish
Vampire Movie
Listen, You Might Want To Pack A Few Of Your Things Together Before Going To Bed. The Former Bishop Of Turkey Will Be Coming Tonight Along With Six To Eight Black Men. They Might Put Some Candy In Your Shoes, They Might Stuff You Into A Sack And Take You To Spain, Or They Might Just Pretend To Kick You. We Don't Know For Sure, But We Want You To Be Prepared." This Was The Reward For Living In The Netherlands. As A Child You Get To Hear This Story, And As An Adult You Get To Turn Around And Repeat It.
Children
Men
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Given Enough Time, I Guess Anything Can Look Good. All It Has To Do Is Survive.
Enough Time
Looks
Enough
When You Read Comic Material And People Aren't Laughing How Do You Know They're Listening.
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Listening
And One Of The Things I Noticed Pretty Early On In Art School Was That My Classmates Had No Notion Of An Audience. Right? I Mean, Growing Up With The Mother That I Did, I Learned That When You Walk Into The Dry Cleaners, There's An Audience Waiting For You. You Know, Maybe It's Just The Person Behind The Counter.
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Art
Growing Up
You Meet People Who Say, "oh, I'd Like To Do Such-and-such, But I Don't Have The Time." But It Always Seemed To Me Like You Make The Time. And If You Have A Wife Or A Job, If You Have Kids Or Whatever, You Find A Way. If You Really Want To Do It, You Make The Time.
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I Felt Uncomfortable Calling Myself A Writer Until I Started With 'the New Yorker,' And Then I Was Like, 'okay, Now You Can Call Yourself That.
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Okay
Paul Rudnick Is A Champion Of Truth (and Love And Great Wicked Humor) Whom We Ignore At Our Peril.
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Wicked
And Love
The Things I've Bought From Strangers In The Dark Would Curl Your Hair.
Dark
Hair
Curls
I Just Enjoy Lying On The Couch And Reading A Magazine.
Lying
Reading
Magazines
To Spend Your Days In The Company Of Naked Men - That Was The Life For Me. 'turn A Bit To The Left, Jean-claude. I Long To Capture The Playful Quality Of Your Buttocks.
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Long
Quality
Traveling Across The United States, It's Easy To See Why Americans Are Often Thought Of As Stupid. At The San Diego Zoo, Right Near The Primate Habitats, There's A Display Featuring Half A Dozen Life-size Gorillas Made Out Of Bronze. Posted Nearby Is A Sign Reading Caution: Gorilla Statues May Be Hot. Everywhere You Turn, The Obvious Is Being Stated. Cannon May Be Loud. Moving Sidewalk Is About To End. To People Who Don't Run Around Suing One Another, Such Signs Suggest A Crippling Lack Of Intelligence.
Running
Zoos
Stupid
She Said, “i’m Going To Have You Fired.” I Had Two People Say That To Me Today, “i’m Going To Have You Fired.” Go Ahead, Be My Guest. I’m Wearing A Green Velvet Costume; It Doesn’t Get Any Worse Than This. Who Do These People Think They Are? I’m Going To Have You Fired!” And I Wanted To Lean Over And Say, “i’m Going To Have You Killed.
Thinking
Two
People
I Met A Young Woman The Other Day, And She Said, What Advice Would You Have For A Writer, And I Said It Would Be To Work Every Day... Your Job Is To Write. The Rest Of It Will Take Care Of Itself. But, Generally, It Seems ... You Know How That Is, You Meet People And They Have A Talent For Self-promotion. Those Are The Pushy People. And You Know Their Writing's Not Going To Be Any Good, Because That's Not Their Talent.
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Writing
Self
To Say That A Humorist Exaggerates To Get Big Laughs, I Don't See How That's Big News.
Laughing
News
Bigs
No One Reads To Hear Someone Complain About The Weather Or How Poorly Their Children Are Behaving. You Have To Give The Readers A Reason To Turn The Page. As A Writer You Have To Invite Someone To Turn The Page. And That Is A Skill You Have To Refine. That Is Why You Have To Read. You Have To Read To Learn What It Is That Makes People Turn The Page.
Children
People
Giving
They Were Nothing Like The French People I Had Imagined. If Anything, They Were Too Kind, Too Generous And Too Knowledgable In The Fields Of Plumbing And Electricity.
People
Judging
Fields
The Interesting Thing About Gay People Is That You Can't Really Put On A Wedding Without Them. They're The Ones Who Make Your Dress, And Do The Flowers And The Catering. They've Toiled In The Wedding Industry All These Years But Were Never Allowed To Do It Themselves.
Flower
Gay
Years
Amy Adored Both The New Look And The New Person It Allowed Her To Be. Following The Photo Shoot, She Wore Her Bruises To The Dry Cleaner And The Grocery Store. Most People Nervously Looked Away, But On The Rare Occasions Someone Would Ask What Happened, My Sister Would Smile As Brightly As Possible, Saying, 'i'm In Love. Can You Believe It? I'm Finally, Totally In Love, And I Feel Great.
Believe
People
Looks
Hugh Consoled Me, Saying, "don't Let It Get To You. There Are Plenty Of Things You're Good At." When Asked For Some Examples, He Listed Vacuuming And Naming Stuffed Animals. He Says He Can Probably Come Up With A Few More, But He'll Need Some Time To Think.
Smart
Animal
Thinking
Writing Gives You The Illusion Of Control, And Then You Realize It's Just An Illusion, That People Are Going To Bring Their Own Stuff Into It.
Writing
Giving
People
If Finding An Apartment Is Like Falling In Love, Buying One Is Like Proposing On Your First Date And Agreeing Not To See Each Other Until The Wedding.
Falling In Love
Buying
Firsts
Every Day We're Told That We Live In The Greatest Country On Earth. And It's Always Stated As An Undeniable Fact: Leos Are Born Between July 23 And August 22, Fitted Queen-size Sheets Measure Sixty By Eighty Inches, And America Is The Greatest Country On Earth. Having Grown Up With This In Our Ears, It's Startling To Realize That Other Countries Have Nationalistic Slogans Of Their Own, None Of Which Are 'we're Number Two!
Country
Queens
Two
The Trouble With Aggressive Nonsmokers Is That They Feel They Are Doing You A Favor By Not Allowing You To Smoke. They Seem To Think That One Day You'll Look Back And Thank Them For Those Precious Fifteen Seconds They Just Added To Your Life. What They Don't Understand Is That Those Are Just Fifteen More Seconds You Can Spend Hating Their Guts And Plotting Revenge.
Revenge
Hate
Thinking
I Go To The Movies At Least Five Times A Week, And After A While Everything Becomes A Blur To Me.
Week
Blur
Five
You Really Burden The Reader If You Put Things In But, "oh, It's Not Interesting, But I'll Put It In Anyway." Then The Reader's Going To Think, Like, "mmm... No Thanks." So The Thing Is To Cut All That Stuff Out Before Its Published.
Cutting
Thinking
Interesting
My Feet Are Completely Flat, But For Most Of My Life They Were Still Shaped Like Feet. Now, Thanks To Bunions, They're Shaped More Like States, Wide Boring Ones That Nobody Wants To Drive Through.
Feet
Want
Thanks
The Woman In Charge Of Costuming Assigned Us Our Outfits And Gave Us A Lecture On Keeping Things Clean. She Held Up A Calendar And Said, "ladies, You Know What This Is. Use It. I Have Scraped Enough Blood Out From The Crotches Of Elf Knickers To Last Me The Rest Of My Life. And Don't Tell Me, 'i Don't Wear Underpants, I'm A Dancer.' You're Not A Dancer. If You Were A Real Dancer You Wouldn't Be Here. You're An Elf And You're Going To Wear Panties Like An Elf.
Real
Blood
Dancer
Like Anyone Nostalgic For A Time He Didn't Live Through, I Chose To Weed Out The Little Inconveniences: Polio, Say, Or The Thought Of Eating Stewed Squirrel. The World Was Simply Grander Back Then, Somehow More Civilized, And Nicer To Look At.
Weed
Squirrels
Looks
People Discuss Their Relationships All The Time, But You Can't. I Don't Think People Realize How Harmful That Is, How It Twists You Up To Hide Who You Are. It's Not Healthy, And The Great Gains That Homosexuals Have Made In My Lifetime, I Think That We'll Look Back In Twenty Or Thirty Years And Say, "i Can't Believe We Ever Made Them Go Through That."
Believe
Thinking
Years
My Family Isn't Really All That Different From Anyone Else's. Well, Maybe They're A Bit More Entertaining.
Family
Different
Wells
We're Not Unique In Our Family. We're More Ambitious But We're Not Special. I'm Not Funnier Than Anyone Else In My Family; It's Just That We Wanted More Than Raleigh, North Carolina, Had To Offer. If My Brother Wanted More Than Raleigh Had To Offer, You Would Know His Name. My Sister Lisa Has A Really Unique And Different Voice, But She Doesn't Want That. She's A Fine Writer, But Never Said, "i Want A Book. I Want That Kind Of Attention."
Brother
Book
Unique
I Started Writing When I Was Twenty, And My First Book Came Out Seventeen Years Later.
Book
Writing
Years
I Would Still Be Reading Out Loud. I Think That If You Are Any Kind Of An Artist, Then Validation Is Just Sort Of... It Can Be A Result, But You're Going To Do The Work Anyway. Because You're Just Wired That Way. It's So Engrained, It's Such A Part Of Your Personality That You Don't Just Stop Doing It. Eventually I'll Retire On Some Level, Eventually No One Will Want To Buy My Books Or A Ticket To See Me Read, It's Inevitable That's Going To Happe
Book
Reading
Thinking
..she Took Pictures Of Germs, Viruses, And People Reacting To Germs And Viruses. On Weekends, For Extra Money, She Photographed Weddings, Which Really Wasn't That Much Of A Stretch
Weekend
People
Viruses
There's No Such Thing As A Folk Writer. There's No Such Thing As Somebody Who's Never Read A Book Before Suddenly Sitting Down One Day And Writing One. You Have To Learn How To Captivate A Reader. Right? And I Don't Mean You Have To Go To School For It. But If You're - If You Pay Attention, You Can Learn It By Reading Books. And So I Feel Like I Learned A Lot By Reading Books.
Reading
Book
Writing
The Difference Between The First Time I Read Something And The Tenth Time I Read Something Is Generally Pretty Profound. Even If The Script Is The Same, Just The Way That I Read It Is Different.
Differences
Profound
Different
The Only Real Advice You Can Give Anyone Is To Keep Writing.
Real
Writing
Giving
There's A Reason Regular People Don't Appear On Tv: We're Boring.
People
Tvs
Boring
The Walking Tour Guides One Through The City's Various Landmarks, Reciting Bits Of Information The Listener Might Find Enlightening. I Learned, For Example, That In The Late 1500s My Little Neighborhood Square Was A Popular Spot For Burning People Alive. Now Lined With A Row Of Small Shops, The Tradition Continues, Though In A Figurative Rather Than Literal Sense.
Squares
Cities
People
When Her Muzzle Grew More White Than Brown, The Chipmunk Forgot That She And The Squirrel Had Had Nothing To Talk About. She Forgot The Definition Of "jazz" As Well And Came To Think Of It As Every Beautiful Thing She Had Ever Failed To Appreciate: The Taste Of Warm Rain; The Smell Of A Baby; The Din Of A Swollen River, Rushing Past Her Tree And Onward To Infinity.
Beautiful
Baby
Rain
It's Funny How Certain Objects Convey A Message - My Washer And Dryer, For Example. They Can't Speak, Of Course, But Whenever I Pass Them They Remind Me That I'm Doing Fairly Well. "no More Laundromat For You," They Hum. My Stove, A Downer, Tells Me Every Day That I Can't Cook, And Before I Can Defend Myself My Scale Jumps In, Shouting From The Bathroom, "well, He Must Be Doing _something - _my Numbers Is Off The Charts." The Skeleton Has A Much More Limited Vocabulary, And Says Only One Thing: "you Are Going To Die."
Vocabulary
Skeletons
Numbers
The Thought Of Killing Myself Had Slowed Me Down To Five Miles Per Hour. The Thought Of Killing Someone Else Stopped Me Completely.
Killing Someone
Hours
Miles
When I Look At A Lot Of Older Stuff That I've Written, I Think One Sign Of Amateur Humor Writing Is When You See People Trying Too Hard.
Writing
Thinking
People
All Of Us Take Pride And Pleasure In The Fact That We Are Unique, But I'm Afraid That When All Is Said And Done The Police Are Right: It All Comes Down To Fingerprints.
Pride
Unique
Police
Famous People Like To Choose Friends Who Won't Go Around Repeating Their Conversations And Details About Them.
People
Details
Conversation
I Like Listening To Books As Well, As That Way You Can Iron At The Same Time.
Book
Iron
Listening
My First Semester I Had Only Nine Students. Hoping They Might View Me As Professional And Well Prepared, I Arrived Bearing Name Tags Fashioned In The Shape Of Maple Leaves.
Views
Names
Firsts
Do I Exaggerate? Boy, Do I, And I'd Do It More If I Could Get Away With It.
Boys
Get Away
Ifs
And When Hugh Would Grow Progressively Gandhi On Me, I'd Remind Him That These Were Pests---disease Carriers Who Feasted Upon The Dead And Then Came Indoors To Dance Upon Our Silverware.
Pests
Disease
Grows
Sometimes You Read Something And It's Just -- It Doesn't Invite A Reader....sometimes You Read Something And It's Not Saying, 'oh Come In, Come In Have A Seat. I'm Going To Tell You What Happened.' Perhaps My Writing Comes Off As Conversational...and That Takes Effort.
Writing
Effort
Community
Living In A Foreign Country Is One Of Those Things That Everyone Should Try At Least Once. My Understanding Was That It Completed A Person, Sanding Down The Rough Provincial Edges And Transforming You Into A Citizen Of The World. What I Find Appealing In Life Abroad Was The Inevitable Sense Of Helplessness It Would Inspire. Equally Exciting Would Be The Work Involved In Overcoming That Helplessness. There Would Be A Goal Involved, And I Like Having Goals.
Country
Goal
Understanding
Writing Helped To Have Jobs That Involved Running Around, Pushing Things Like Dish Carts And Wheelbarrows. It Would Be Hard To Sit At A Desk All Day, And Then Come To Sit At Another Desk. Also, It Helps To Abandon Hope. If I Sit At My Computer, Determined To Write A New Yorker Story I Won't Get Beyond The First Sentence. It's Better To Put No Pressure On It. What Would Happen If I Followed The Previous Sentence With This One, I'll Think. If The Eighth Draft Is Torture, The First Should Be Fun. At Least If You're Writing Humor.
Running
Jobs
Fun
Most People Would Have Found It Grotesque, But When You're In Love Nothing Is So Abstract Or Horrible That It Can't Be Thought Of As Cute.
Cute
People
Abstract
If I'm Stuck, I Get Up From My Chair And I Wash Windows. Or... Clean The Bathroom. Or Vacuum The Attic. There's Always Something To Be Done.
Vacuums
Done
Bathroom
Usually, If I Think Something Is Really Funny, It Doesn't Get Any Reaction Whatsoever.
Thinking
Reactions
Ifs
Sometimes People Say, Do You Want A Drink? And I Say, Oh, I'd Like To, But I'm A Tragic Alcoholic. I Always Say Tragic. I'm A Tragic Alcoholic.
People
Sometimes
Drink
In Paris You're Always Surrounded By French People.
Paris
People
I Sometimes Read Books On My Ipad.
Book
Ipads
Sometimes
I've Never Made Up Events, But I've Always Been A Big Exaggerator. It's Written On My Humorist License That I'm Allowed To Do That.
Events
Made
Bigs
I Don't Worry About Being Exposed. When I'm Writing About Myself I Think About Myself As A Character. There Is A Ton Of Stuff Going On In My Life That I Don't Write About. If I Need To Write That Stuff Down, I Write About Myself In My Diary.
Writing
Character
Thinking
This Was The Consequence Of Seeing Too Much And Understanding The Horrible Truth: No One Is Safe. The World Is Not Manageable.
Understanding
World
Safe
In The Netherlands Now, I Imagine It's Legal To Marry Your Own Children. Get Them Pregnant, And You Can Abort Your Unborn Grandbabies In A Free Clinic That Used To Be A Church.
Children
Church
Netherlands
Whenever I Read A Passage That Moves Me, I Transcribe It In My Diary, Hoping My Fingers Might Learn What Excellence Feels Like.
Moving
Excellence
Diaries
What Can You Say About The Family Who Is Suing The Railroad After Their Drunk Son Was Killed Walking On The Tracks? Trains Don't Normally Sneak Up On People. Unless They've Derailed, You Pretty Much Know Where To Find Them.
Son
People
Track
I Just Looked At The Pattern Of My Life, Decided I Didn't Like It, And Changed.
Insightful
Patterns
Changed
In Japanese And Italian, The Response To ["how Are You?"] Is "i'm Fine, And You?" In German It's Answered With A Sigh And A Slight Pause, Followed By "not So Good.
Italian
Fine
Sigh
I Like Nonfiction Books About People With Wretched Lives.
Book
People
Fiction And Nonfiction
My Sister's The Type Who Religiously Watches The Fear Segments Of Her Local Eyewitness News Broadcasts, Retaining Nothing But The Headline...everything Is Dangerous All Of The Time, And If It's Not Yet Been Pulled Off The Shelves, Then It's Certainly Under Investigation -- So There.
Watches
News
My Sister
It's A Common Mistake For Vacationing Americans To Assume That Everyone Around Them Is French And Therefore Speaks No English Whatsoever. [...] An Experienced Traveler Could Have Told By Looking At My Shoes That I Wasn't French. And Even If I Were French, It's Not As If English Is Some Mysterious Tribal Dialect Spoken Only By Anthropologists And A Small Population Of Cannibals.
Mistake
Shoes
Population
We Were Not A Hugging People. In Terms Of Emotional Comfort It Was Our Belief That No Amount Of Physical Contact Could Match The Healing Powers Of A Well Made Cocktail.
Drinking
Healing
Emotional
Also, I Used To Think That One Day I Might Get Someone To Iron My Shirts, But The Truth Is I Really Like Doing Them Myself.
Thinking
Iron
One Day
I Spend So Much Time Like Living In The Past Or The Future. I Mean, I Think Most People Do, Really. And The Moments When You're Really Present In Your Life Can Be Pretty Rare, Really.
Mean
Past
Thinking
The Landscape Is Best Described As 'pedestrian Hostile.' It's Pointless To Try To Take A Walk, So I Generally Just Stay In The Room And Think About Shooting Myself In The Head.
Thinking
Trying
Shooting
Anyone Who Watches Even The Slightest Amount Of Tv Is Familiar With The Scene: An Agent Knocks On The Door Of Some Seemingly Ordinary Home Or Office. The Door Opens, And The Person Holding The Knob Is Asked To Identify Himself. The Agent Then Says, "i'm Going To Ask You To Come With Me.
Home
Doors
Office
I Started Writing One Afternoon When I Was Twenty, And Ever Since Then I Have Written Every Day. At First I Had To Force Myself. Then It Became Part Of My Identity, And I Did It Without Thinking.
Writing
Thinking
Identity
People Ask Me, 'have You Ever Considered Doing Stand-up?' To Me It Would Be Less Offensive If Someone Asked Me, 'have You Ever Considered Dental Implants?'
People
Would Be
Offensive
I Tend To Show Everything I Do To My Family, To Check They Won't Be Offended.
Family
Checks
Shows
I Like To Reserve The Right To Write About Whatever I Like.
Writing
Reserves
It's Safe To Assume That By 2085 Guns Will Be Sold In Vending Machines But You Won't Be Able To Smoke Anywhere In America.
Gun
America
Machines
I've Been Keeping Diaries For 27 Years.
Years
Diaries
I Like The Trail That The Internet Created. For Example, I Was Watching One Of Those Douglas Sirk Movies, And I Noticed That Rock Hudson Towered Over Everyone, And I Typed In "how Tall Was" And I Saw "how Tall Was Jesus," And I'm Like, "sure," And Half An Hour Later You're Somewhere You Didn't Expect To Be. It Doesn't Work That Same Way In Books, Does It? Even If You Have An Encyclopedia, The Trail Isn't That Crazy. I Like That Aspect Of It.
Jesus
Crazy
Book
What's Strange Is, The People Who Want To Be In The Position Are Never Asked To Be In The Position. Like, If You Don't Want To Do Something, Then People Really Want You To Do It. And The More You Say, "no, Really, I'm Sorry, It's Really Not For Me," The More They Want To Convince You That It Is, In Fact, For You, And That You'd Be Absolutely Perfect.
Sorry
People
Perfect
Humor Is Necessary - It Allows The Reader To Come Up For Air Before Dunking Them Under Again. I Need Humor And I Need It On The Page To Keep The Reader Going.
Speed Eliminates All Doubt. Am I Smart Enough? Will People Like Me? Do I Really Look All Right In This Plastic Jumpsuit?
Smart
People
Doubt
It Hardly Seemed Fair, Because, Unlike A Horse Or A Seeing Eye Dog, The Whole Glory Of Being A Bird Is That Nobody Would Ever Put You To Work.
Dog
Horse
Eye
I Don't Think My Life Is More Interesting Than Anybody Else's.
Thinking
Interesting
Life Is
Sometimes I Say To Myself, 'oh, I Wish I Could Win A Tony Award', Although I'm Not That Bothered.
Winning
Awards
Wish
He's As Nutty As A Vegan T-bone.
Vegan
Bones
Nutty
Nobody Pours Stuffing Like You Do, My Friend.
Like You
My Friends
For As Long As I Can Remember, My Father Saved. He Saves Money, He Saves Disfigured Sticks That Resemble Disfigured Celebrities, And Most Of All, He Saves Food. Cherry Tomatoes, Sausage Biscuits, The Olives Plucked From Other People's Martinis --he Hides These Things In Strange Places Until They Are Rotten. And Then He Eats Them.
Father
Food
Strange Places
As A Child I Assumed That When I Reached Adulthood, I Would Have Grown-up Thoughts.
Funny
Children
Growing Up
They're Hungry For Something They Know Nothing About, But We, We Know All Too Well That The Price Of Fame Is The Loss Of Privacy.
Funny
Loss
Privacy
My Boyfriend Got Me A Computer Three Years Ago. I'll Admit It Does Make Things A Lot Easier. When I Was Working On A Typewriter And I Whited Out A Line, Often I Would Choose A Word To Go In The Space Just Because It Fit. Now I Don't Have To Do That.
Typewriters
Years
Space
I'm The Most Important Person In The Lives Of Almost Everyone I Know And A Good Number Of The People I've Never Even Met.
Numbers
People
Important
The Good Thing About Being Gay, Though, I Always Believed, Is That You Didn't Make Anyone Go To A Wedding. Nobody Wants To Go To A Wedding. Nobody. It Kind Of Bothers Me Now That You Have To Go To Gay Weddings, Too. I Don't Care. It's Still A Wedding. And I Would Give Anybody Double Gifts If They Would Elope.
Gay
Giving
Care
I Had To Wrestle Daily With Both My Inadequacy And My Uncontrollable Jealousy. I Didn't Want To Kill Her, But Hoped Someone Else Might Do The Job For Me.
Jobs
Want
Might
The Combination Of Ammonia And Chloride Can Be Lethal But I've Discovered It Can Work Miracles As Long As You Keep Telling Yourself, "i Want To Love, I Want To Live.
Long
Miracle
Want
Each One Of Us Is Left To Choose Our Own Quality Of Life And Take Pleasure Where We Find It With The Understanding That, Like Mom Used To Say, Sooner Or Later Something's Gonna Get You.
Mom
Understanding
Quality
I Never Got The Idea Of A Punishing God, Just A Really Boring One. To See People Growing Up In The Carolinas Who Were Baptist, I Knew There Were Others Who Felt God Was Going To Send Them To Hell For Any Little Thing, But Not Me.
Growing Up
Ideas
People
Cover Your Glass In France Or Germany --even Worse, In England - And In The Voice Of Someone Who Has Personally Affronted, Your Host Will Ask Why You're Not Drinking. 'oh, I Just Don't Feel Like It This Morning.' 'why Not?' 'i Guess I'm Not In The Mood?' 'well, This'll Put You In The Mood. Here. Drink Up.' 'no, Really, I'm Ok.' 'just Taste It.' 'actually, I'm Sort Of...well, I Sort Of Have A Problem With It.' 'then How About Half A Glass?
Morning
Drinking
Glasses
I Don't Like Travelling If I Know I Have To Write About It.
Writing
Knows
Ifs
There Are Certain People In My Life Who Didn't Care To Be In My Book. And So I Cut Them Out. And I Had Broken Up With Somebody. And I Was, You Know, Really Upset And Depressed. And So That Was, You Know, Reasons To Keep Going.
Book
Cutting
People
I've Always Been Very Upfront About The Way I Write, And I've Always Used The Tools Humorists Use, Such As Exaggeration.
Writing
Tools
Use
Being Locked Up Is One Thing, But To Have No Concept Of Confinement, To Be Ignorant Of Its Terms And Never Understand That Struggle Is Useless - That's What Hell Must Be Like.
Struggle
Ignorant
Useless
Einstein Wrote That Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Over And Over And Expecting A Different Result. That Said, Is It Crazier To Repeatedly Throw Yourself Against A Window, Or To Repeatedly Open That Window, Believing The Creatures That Are Throwing Themselves Against It Might Come Into Your House, Take A Look Around, And Leave With No Hard Feelings?
Believe
House
Insanity
But I Don't Distinguish Between Being Laughed With, And Laughed At. I'll Take Either.
Laughed
A Zoo Is A Good Place To Make A Spectacle Of Yourself, As The People Around You Have Creepier, More Photogenic Things To Look At.
Zoos
People
Looks
Write Relentlessly, Until You Find Your Voice. Then, Use It.
Writing
Voice
Use
Snowball Just Leads Elves On, Elves And Santas. He Is Playing A Dangerous Game.
Games
Santa
Dangerous
When I Taught, A Lot Of My Students Weren't Big Readers, So They Would Write Something And I Realized That They Thought It Belonged In A Book. Like, They Didn't Know What The Inside Of A Book Looked Like, You Know What I Mean?
Book
Writing
Mean
I'm For Gay Elopement, Not For Gay Weddings. I've Been With My Boyfriend For Twenty Years. I Don't Feel Like That Would Validate Our Relationship In Any Way. But I Would Really Fight For Someone Else To Have The Right. Just Elope, Though, Please.
Fighting
Gay
Years
I Don't Like To Read Anything On The Radio For The Very First Time, Because I Don't Have Any Notion Of A Reaction. When I Read It Out Loud, Then I Get An Idea Of That, And More Of An Idea Of How To Read.
Ideas
Radio
Firsts
I Didn't Know About The Rest Of The Class, But When Bastille Day Eventually Rolled Around, I Planned To Stay Home And Clean My Oven.
Home
Class
Clean
Watching Him Was Like Opening The Door To A Siniging Telegram; You Know It's Supposed To Be Entertaining, But You Can't Get Beyond The Sad Fact That This Person Actually Thinks He Bringing Some Joy Into Your Life. Somewhere He Had A Mother Who Sifted Through A Shoe Box Of Mimeographed Playbills, Pouring Herself Another Drink And Wondering When Her Son Would Come To His Senses And Swallow Some Drain Cleaner.
Mother
Son
Thinking
Someone Told Me Something Recently About Sarah Palin, Someone I Trusted In The Book Business. They Said, "i Worked With Palin. She Did An Event At My Bookstore, And She Was Really, Really Nice, And Even More Beautiful In Person." I Didn't Want To Hear That. I Wanted To Hear That She Was Awful And Hideous-looking. But I Thought, I Have To Listen To That. I Have To Hear That. I Don't Want To Be The One Who Is Going To Deny Anything Complimentary Said About Somebody Just Because I Disagree With That Person.
Beautiful
Nice
Book
There Are A Lot Of College Writing Textbooks That Will Include Essays And Short Stories, And After Reading The Story Or Essay, There Will Be Questions Such As "have You Had Any Experience With A Pedophile In Your Family?" Or "when Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mother Drunk?" And They're Just Really Good At Prompting Stories. You Answer The Question, And Sometimes That Can Spring Into A Story.
Mother
Spring
Reading
Kools And Newports Were For Black People And Lower-class Whites. Camels Were For Procrastinators, Those Who Wrote Bad Poetry, And Those Who Put Off Writing Bad Poetry. Merits Were For Sex Addicts, Salems Were For Alcoholics, And Mores Were For People Who Considered Themselves To Be Outrageous But Really Weren't.
Sex
Writing
Class
Standing In A Two-hour Line Makes People Worry That They're Not Living In A Democratic Nation. People Stand In Line For Two Houres And They Go Over The Edge.
Two
People
Worry
There Are Lots Of Things That Happen To Me That I Don't Write About.
Writing
Happens
I Mean, I'm Always Happy If I Have, Like, Humiliating Asshole Things That I Did. I Think: Oh Good, That's A Good Story. Because If You Write About Humiliating Asshole Things Other People Do It Doesn't Work As Well. I Mean, You Can, But You Can Get Away With It Better If You Talk About What An Asshole You Are. It's Much Easier.
Writing
Mean
Thinking
The Good Thing About Being Gay Was Always That You Didn't Have A Wedding. People Would Say, "he's Gay, But At Least He Didn't Make Us Go To His Wedding. He Didn't Make Us Fly Across The Country. He Didn't Make Us Choose Between The Fish And The Beef."
Country
Gay
People
Of Course, The Diary Helps Me As Well. 'that Wasn't Your Position On July 7, 1991,' I'll Remind Hugh An Hour After We've Had A Fight. I'd Have Loved To Rebut Him Sooner, But It Takes Awhile To Look These Things Up.
Fighting
July
Diaries
It Is Funny The Things That Run Through Your Mind When You're Sitting In Your Underpants In Front Of A Pair Of Strangers.
Running
Mind
Sitting
He Looked As Though His Life Had Not Only Passed Him By But Paused Along The Way To Spit In His Face.
Faces
Way
Spit
In Books And Movies Infidelity Always Looks So Compelling, So Right. Here Are People Who Defy Petty Convention And Are Rewarded With Only The Tastiest Bits Of Human Experience.
Book
People
Infidelity
Their House Had Real Hardcover Books In It, And You Often Saw Them Lying Open On The Sofa, The Words Still Warm From Being Read.
Lying
Real
Book
There Is Still The Outside World To Contend With. A World Of Backfiring Cars, And Their Human Equivalents.
Car
World
Humans
It's Hard To Love A Place That's Outlawed Smoking But Finds It Perfectly Acceptable To Serve Raw Fish In A Bath Of Chocolate.
Smoking
Chocolate
Baths
A Lot Of People Don't Know What They Want, You Know, Or They're Just Kind Of Vague About It.
People
Kind
Sallie Mae Sounds Like A Naive And Barefoot Hillbilly Girl But In Fact They Are A Ruthless And Aggressive Conglomeration Of Bullies Located In A Tall Brick Building Somewhere In Kansas. I Picture It To Be The Tallest Building In That State And I Have Decided They Hire Their Employees Straight Out Of Prison.
Girl
Kansas
Bully
There Is A Reason There Is No Such Thing As A Folk Writer. But To Be A Writer You Have Learn What It Takes To Captivate A Reader In Order To Make Them Turn The Page. And In Order To Learn That, You Have To Read.
Reason
I See You That Have A Little Swimming Mouse
Swimming
Littles
Mice
I Find It Ridiculous To Assign A Gender To An Inanimate Object Incapable Of Disrobing And Making An Occasional Fool Of Itself.
Inanimate Objects
Fool
Ridiculous
I Like High School And College Writing Textbooks And Find Them Very Helpful. Whenever I'm Stuck And Seem To Have No Ideas, I Open One Up And Turn To The Back. There I'll Find Questions Like, "have You Had Any Experiences With An Alcoholic Or A Sailor?"
Writing
School
College
I Started Typing Diary In, I Don't Know, 1978 Or '79, But Then The Computer Changed That A Lot. Because With The Computer If You Were Writing And You Realized You Had Three Sentences In A Row That Started With The Word "he," You Could Fix That Right Up, Whereas On A Typewriter You'd Think, "well, I'm Not Going To Change The Whole Page. It's My Diary." So That Made A Difference.
Writing
Thinking
Computer
You Can't Brace Yourself For Famine If You've Never Known Hunger.
Hunger
Braces
Famine
On One Tour, I Was Collecting Stories About Pet Monkeys. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Have Stories About Monkeys. The Problem Is, Most Monkey Stories End Tragically.
People
Pet
Stories
You Need To Give The Reader A Reason To Turn The Page. In A Diary, You Are Just Yourself. You Aren't Trying To Entertain. You Aren't Trying To Get Anyone To Turn The Page. I Have Over One Hundred And Fifty Six Volumes Of My Diary And I Guarantee You That If You Read Them, You'd Stop And Never Come Back.
Giving
Trying
Reason
They Were Jesuits," She Told Me. "that Means They Believe In God But Not In Terlet Paper. You Should Have Seen Their Underwear. Disgusting.
Believe
Mean
Should Have
But Instead I Am Applying For A Job As An Elf. Even Worse Than Applying Is The Very Real Possibility That I Will Not Be Hired, That I Couldn't Even Find Work As An Elf. That's When You Know You're A Failure.
Jobs
Real
Possibility
I've Been Keeping A Diary For Thirty-three Years And Write In It Every Morning. Most Of It's Just Whining, But Every So Often There'll Be Something I Can Use Later: A Joke, A Description, A Quote. It's An Invaluable Aid When It Comes To Winning Arguments. 'that's Not What You Said On February 3, 1996,' I'll Say To Someone.
Morning
Writing
Winning
Like Any Normal Fifth Grader, I Preferred My Villains To Be Evil And Stay That Way, To Act Like Dracula Rather Than Frankenstein's Monster, Who Ruined Everything By Handing That Peasant Girl A Flower. He Sort Of Made Up For It By Drowning Her A Few Minutes Later, But, Still, You Couldn't Look At Him The Same Way Again.
Girl
Flower
Evil
Most Movies, I Forget About Them While I'm Watching Them. I Go Every Single Day. But I've Never Thought About Participating In Any Way. It's Like Being At Home All Day. It Was Never A Goal To Me.
Home
Goal
Way
But I Have No Mind For Business And Considered Staying Awake To Be Enough Of An Accomplishment.
Accomplishment
Lazy
Mind
Sometimes With 'the New Yorker,' They Have Grammar Rules That Just Don't Feel Right In My Mouth.
Mouths
Sometimes
Grammar
I Hate You' She Said To Me One Afternoon. 'i Really, Really Hate You.' Call Me Sensitive, But I Couldn't Help But Take It Personally.
Hate
Afternoon
Helping
If You Stepped Out Of The Shower And Saw A Leprechaun Standing At The Base Of Your Toilet, Would You Scream, Or Would You Innately Understand That He Meant You No Harm?
Toilets
Saws
Scream
I Started Writing When I Was Twenty. My First Book Came Out When I Was Thirty-five. But I Never Expected That It Would Happen Quickly.
Book
Writing
Twenties
I Wish That I Had Re-edited 'theft By Finding' After I Did The Audio. Because The Audio Took 40 Hours In The Studio, And I Was Standing On My Feet. So Toward The End Of It I'd Be Looking At Certain Diary Entries And I Would Think, "is This Really Worth My Time To Read This Out Loud?" And I Would Think, "no, It Is Not." I Would Have Cut Out 75 Pages, Just Because I Was Tired Of Standing Up.
Tired
Cutting
Thinking
The Message Was That If Something Is Free, You Should Only Take The Best. If, On The Other Hand, You're Forced To Pay, It's Best To Lower The Bar And Not Be So Choosy.
Hands
Bars
Pay
As I Searched The Atlas For Somewhere To Run To, Hugh Made A Case For His Old Stomping Grounds. His First Suggestion Was Beirut, Where He Went To Nursery School. His Family Left There In The Midsixties And Moved To The Congo. After That, It Was Ethiopia, And Then Somalia, All Fine Places In His Opinion. 'let's Save Africa And The Middle East For When I Decide To Quit Living,' I Said.
Running
School
Middle East
Besides, If I Wanted To Hear People Speaking Wall-to-wall French, All I Had To Do Was Remove My Headphones And Participate In What Is Known As ‘real Life,’ A Concept As Uninviting As A Shampoo Cocktail.
Wall
Real
People
On A Busy Day Twenty-two Thousand People Come To Visit Santa, And I Was Told That It Is An Elf's Lot To Remain Merry In The Face Of Torment And Adversity. I Promised To Keep That In Mind.
Christmas
Adversity
Two
I'm Glad That I Didn't Have The Internet When I Started Writing. I Started Writing When I Was 20 And Didn't Show A Word Of It To Anyone Until I Was 28. I Had The Sense To Keep It To Myself. Now The Temptation With Blogs And Such, They're Just Getting It Out There; Maybe It Would Have Been Best To Keep It To Themselves.
Writing
Temptation
Internet
When Asked "what Do We Need To Learn This For?" Any High-school Teacher Can Confidently Answer That, Regardless Of The Subject, The Knowledge Will Come In Handy Once The Student Hits Middle Age And Starts Working Crossword Puzzles In Order To Stave Off The Terrible Loneliness.
Teacher
Loneliness
School
The Rabbit Of Easter. He Bring Of The Chocolate.
Easter
Chocolate
Rabbits
I Don't Think I'm A Witty Person. To Me, A Witty Person Is A Funny Person Who Is Also A Smart Person. My Friend David Rakoff, Who Died A Few Years Ago, He Was A Witty Person. Fran Lebowitz Is A Witty Person. I Don't Think There Are That Many Witty People Around, So You Tend To Notice Them When They Do Come Around. I Don't Consider Myself To Be That.
Witty
Smart
Thinking
But I'm A Humorist. I'm Not A Reporter, I Never Pretended To Be A Reporter.
Reporters
Humorists
Trending Author
Denise Van Outen
Frank Ocean
Pitbull
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