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I'm Close To My Audience. I Think I Have More Tools In My Box Than Other Guys Who Might Try It. Also, I Know How To Do This Stuff. I Know How To Write And Shoot And Edit. I'm Technically Adept And That Helped With The Website. You Need A Big Skill Set.

-Louis C. K.

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I'm Close To My

Louis C. K.

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I'm Close To My Audience. I Think I Have More Tools In My Box Than Other Guys Who Might Try It. Also, I Know How To Do This Stuff. I Know How To Write And Shoot And Edit. I'm Technically Adept And That Helped With The Website. You Need A Big Skill Set.

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More From Louis C. K.

You Can't Cancel My Stand-up Tours. It's Impossible. There's Too Many Separate Bosses. There Is No 'bosses.'

People Say There's Delays On Flights. Delays, Really? New York To California In Five Hours, That Used To Take 30 Years, A Bunch Of People Used To Die On The Way There, Have A Baby, You Would End Up With A Whole Different Group Of People By The Time You Got There. Now You Watch A Movie And [go To The Toilet] And You're Home.

Someday, One Of Your Friends Is Gonna Get Divorced, It's Gonna Happen, And They're Gonna Tell You. Don't Go, 'ohhhh I'm Sorry.' That's A Stupid Thing To Say. First Of All You're Making 'em Feel Bad For Being Really Happy, Which Isn't Fair. And Second Of All: Divorce Is Always Good News. I Know That Sounds Weird, But It's True, Because No Good Marriage Has Ever Ended In Divorce. It's Really That Simple.

I Know What It's Like To Have A Bunch Of Material That's Working That You Don't Care About. You Want To Die.

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

I Can Feel How An Audience Is Reacting When I'm On A Stage, But When You Are On Stage, Your Perception Is Distorted. That's Something You Just Have To Know. It's Like Pilots That Fly At High Gs And They Lose, Sometimes, Consciousness And Hand/eye Coordination And They Just Have To Know That That's Going To Happen. They Have To Be Trained To Not Try To Do Too Much While They Are Doing That. So When You Are On Stage, You Have To Be Aware That You Are Wrong About How It Feels A Lot Of Times.

To Me, Comedies Are Usually The Least Funny Movies. Movies That Are Actually A Comedy Are Usually Not All That Funny. To Me Goodfellas And Raging Bull Are Two Of The Funniest Movies I Ever Saw.

There’s A Need To Perfect Things In A Writers’ Room, And That Can Take A Lot Of Fun Out Of A Show Sometimes. It’s A Struggle. It Depends On Your Personality. Some People Love Working With A Writing Staff. I Had A Great Writing Staff On Lucky Louie, But It Sometimes Felt Like Congress Or Something.

Very Few American Parents Give A Crap About How They Raise Their Kids. They Put Minimal Effort Into It. Who Told You It's A Good Idea To Buy A Developing Mind A Video Game?

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

Comedians Work Great As Actors Because They're Good Under Pressure. With A Lot Of Actors, You Have To Make Them Feel Like Everything's Going Really Well To Get A Good Performance Out Of Them. But, If You Have A Comedian On The Set, You Can Tell Them, 'hey, You Really Are Screwing This Up,' And Then They Just Get Better.

I've Tried To Do Away With Lying In My Life In The Last Few Years, But It's Hard.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

Look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.

I've Always Loved Boxing. It's Something I've Always Been Extremely Excited About.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

Anytime You See A Bit Where Some Stranger Does Something To Me, It's Me.

Plenty Of Crazy People In New York. There Are So Many Crazy People Here, I Think It's Like One Out Of Every One Person Is Completely Out Of Their Mind.

I Don't Like Comedy. I Like Funny Things. I Don't Like Comedy. Like, Comedy Movies Are Just, 'oh Jesus.'

Pushing The Envelope' Sort Of Implies That You're Inside The Envelope With Everyone Else, And You're Trying To Find The Edges On The Outsides.

People Are Too Afraid Of Uptown. A Lot Of People Will Tell You, Like, "don't Go To Harlem. You Can Never Go There. 'cause As Soon As You Get There, They Kill You." That's What People Think. As Soon As You Arrive In Harlem, Someone Just Stabs You In The Face Right Away. That's People's Image Of Harlem: Just Everyone Standing Around Waiting For Lost White People To Kill All Day. "did You See Any? I Didn't Either."

Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

People Get Successful And They Start Saying, 'well Of Course I Am! I Was Chosen! I'm Special!' No, You're Not.

Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

Feeling Unsure And Lost Is Part Of Your Path. Don't Avoid It. See What Those Feelings Are Showing You And Use It.

You Can Figure Out How Bad A Person You Are By How Soon After September 11th You Masturbated, Like How Long You Waited... And For Me It Was Between The Two Buildings Going Down... I Had To Do It, Otherwise They'd Win.

You Ever Go To Shop For Tuna, And It Says "dolphin Safe", And You Look At It And Kind Of Go, "yeah, But"-like Somehow You Think It's Not Going To Be As Good? Like, "i Want To Do The Right Thing-but It's Probably Kind Of Bland Without The Dolphin."

I Watch A Lot Of Sports. But When I'm Not Working, I'm With My Daughters Every Chance I Get.

Every Day Starts, My Eyes Open And I Reload The Program Of Misery. I Open My Eyes, Remember Who I Am, What I'm Like, And I Just Go, 'ugh'.

Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

To Me The Goal Of Comedy Is To Just Laugh, Which Is A Really High Hearted Thing, Visceral Connection And Reaction.

I Thought About Going To Nyu Film School - That Was This Ideal To Me. But I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School.

Life Is Full Of Horrible Mistakes.

I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

What We've Done With Our Modern Food Supply Is Absolute Insanity. It's Not Even Real Any More. You Used To Be Able To Give A Kid An Apple And They Would Love It. Kids Can't Even Taste Apples Any More. Apples Taste Like Paper To Kids Now.

I'm Not Motivated To Entertain People Through Twitter, So Just By Having Twitter And Not Saying Anything, I Make People Mad.

Life Isn't Something You Possess. It's Something You Take Part In, And You Witness.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

You’ll Be Fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] And Lost Is Part Of Your Path. Don’t Avoid It. See What Those Feelings Are Showing You And Use It. Take A Breath. You’ll Be Okay. Even If You Don’t Feel Okay All The Time.

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed, And I Became A Father In A Whole New Way And Found A Whole New Set Of Difficulties.

I Grew Up In A Generation That Had Exponential Technological Advances.

It's Easier To Cancel A Show If It's Expensive.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

I've Started To Kind Of Hate People, And It's Not Because I Have Anything Against Them. It's Just, I Enjoy It. It's Recreation.

I Just Don't Trust Any Of It. Every Time I Read Something About How There's Been Another Ridiculous Climb Of The Dow Jones, There's A Part Of Me That Goes, “this Can't Be Good.” None Of This Is Real Money. You Know What I Mean? It's Not Like There's Actually More Of Anything. It's Just Ideas. When People Are Getting Richer And Richer But They're Not Actually Producing Anything, It Can't End Well.

It's Hard Having Kids Because It's Boring... It's Just Being With Them On The Floor While They Be Children. They Read Clifford The Big Red Dog To You At A Rate Of 50 Minutes A Page, And You Have To Sit There And Be Horribly Proud And Bored At The Same Time.

When I Take My Kids Out For Dinner Or Lunch, People Smile At Us.

Maybe God Is An Asshole...of Course Not, He's Not An Asshole, He's Imaginary.

When Your Kid Is Being Selfish Or Greedy And You Want To Help Them Not Be That Way, You Have To Find A Way To Articulate It And Inspire Them.

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

I Wish I Could Know Everything Ever, Like That Would Be My Wish - That's What I Hope Heaven Is, That They Tell You Who Shot Jfk And All That Stuff.

For My Scale, How I Grew Up And Live My Life, I'm Making Plenty Of Money.

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

Well, I Think “likability” Is An Overused Word. I Don’t Watch People 'cause I Like Them; I Watch Them Because They’re Compelling. Sympathetic Is A Little Different... Likable Just Thins You Out. Working To Make A Character Likable Is What Kills Most Tv Shows.

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.

A Lot Of The Struggle I Had With Movies Is I Really Loved Moments And Tones And Feelings In A Scene, And I Loved Creating Those, But I Never Really Had Great Stories To String Them Together.

You Can't Direct Without A Good Crew.

The Part That's Difficult Is Being Single, At 41, After 10 Years Of Marriage And Two Kids. That's Like Having A Bunch Of Money In A Currency Of A Country That Doesn't Exist Anymore.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

There's No Real Preparing At Home For Stand-up. You Just Go And You Just Do It.

My Bank Is The Worst. They Are Screwing Me. You Know What They Did To Me? They're Charging Me Money For Not Having Enough Money. Apparently, When You're Broke, That Costs Money.

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.

There's No Such Thing As A Cheap Laugh.

Expensive Quality Work Doesn't Cost More - It Pays.

It's More Fun To Experience Things When You Don't Know What's Going To Happen.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

I Was Raised By A Hard-working Single Mother, So My First Role Model Was A Woman. My Only Caretaker Was A Woman, And I Have Three Sisters, So My Community Was Girls. I Have Two Girls, And My Dog Is A Girl. My Dead Dog Was A Girl. I Don't Know. I Guess I've Always Keyed In On That Perspective.

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

I Can't Just Sit On My Daughter's Bed And Just Say 'n---' All Night And Then Put Her To Sleep. I Just Ain't Gonna Do That... I Told The Girls That These Boys Are Racists, And They're Not Nice Boys. But I Think We Can Still Enjoy The Stories About The Fishin' And The Tradin'.

I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

Most People Are Dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some Other Guys. But Mostly Those Two.

There's Two Kinds Of Press That You Get When You Put Out A Tv Show: The Reviews, And The People That Just Decide What The Reviews Say.

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

The Only Pitch I Have To Movie People Is The Same As This One: Just Give Me $8 Million. I'm Not Telling You What It's About And I'm Not Telling You Who's In It.

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

You Have To Do A Show As Honestly As You Can. But You Also Can't Afford Skepticism, Because It's Preparing For Failure, Which Is Useless.

Talking Is Always Positive. That's Why I Talk Too Much.

I've Met A Lot Of People Who've Lost Their Jobs And They Still Have A Sense Of Humor.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

I'd Love To Have A Shitty Job. I Couldn't Hold Any Down. Standup Was The Only Thing I Could Stick With. I'm An Idiot That Way.

I Do Actually Use A Boxing Trainer When I Train For Stand-up.

I'm Close To My Audience. I Think I Have More Tools In My Box Than Other Guys Who Might Try It. Also, I Know How To Do This Stuff. I Know How To Write And Shoot And Edit. I'm Technically Adept And That Helped With The Website. You Need A Big Skill Set.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm So Often Disgusting On Stage. I Don't Always Know Where It Comes From.

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

You Can't Answer A Kid's Question. A Kid Never Accepts Any Answer. A Kid Never Says, 'oh, Thanks. I Get It.'... They Just Keep Coming With More Questions - Why, Why, Why? - Until You Don't Even Know Who The Fk You Are Anymore At The End Of The Conversation. It's An Insane Deconstruction.

For Years, Blockbuster Video Has Edited Movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, When He's Masturbating While The Girls In The Car Are Doing The Thing. I Rented It From Blockbuster And Sped To That Scene, And It Was Gone. I Called Up Blockbuster, And I'm Like, "i Got An Erection, And The Scene's Not There."

The Thing Is, Comedy's Gone In A Weird Direction. People Are Really Into Ironic Comedy And Fakeness And Cleverness.

I Know I'm Getting Old Because There Will Be Times When I'm Not Even Doing Anything And I'll Think, 'i Need To Go Wipe My Ass Right Now.'

When A Person Tells You That You Hurt Them, You Don't Get To Decide That You Didn't.

There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny By Making A Funny Thing, And Right Now There Are Huge Outlets For That, With You Tube And All The Other Stuff Online.

Young People Don't Even Consider That It's A Good Idea To Be Out On The Fringe, Which Is Where Good Ideas Come From.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

Breaking Records Is Not Something You Expect To Be Doing. That's Like A Sports Thing, It's Not Usually A Comedy And Writing Thing.

If The Whole Country Had To Have The Same Conversation That Was Safe For Everybody, It Would Be A Pretty Awful Place To Live. There Wouldn't Be A Conversation.

I'd Like To Name My Kid A Whole Phrase. You Know, Something Like Ladies And Gentlemen. That'll Be A Cool Name For A Kid. This Is My Son, Ladies And Gentlemen! Then, When He Gets Out Of Hand, I Get To Go, Ladies And Gentlemen, Please!

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

The Last Jobs I Had Were Fixing Cars And Covering Football Games For A Local Access Tv Station. As In Driving The Mobile Van To The Field, Setting Up 3 Cameras, Teaching Depressed Grownups And Interns How To Use Them And Directing The Game From The Van And Then Wanting To Kill Myself.

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

Either I'll Never Get Rich From The Show But Remain Intensely Proud Of The Work And Stand Behind Every Second Of It, Or It Catches On And I'll Make My Money Down The Road.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs, And I Live By None Of Them - That's Just The Way I Am They Make Me Feel Good About Who I Am.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

I Remember The Day I Saw My Hair Was Thinning. I Don't Remember Caring Much. I Don't Care. It's Just Hair. It Never Bothered Me Much. I Was Pretty Young, Too. And It Happened And Is Happening Very Slowly. I Have A Feeling Dead People Get Really Mad When We Complain About Losing Hair.

If You Can Survive Disappointment, Nothing Can Beat You

I Love Being Married. It's Great. But I Hate Arguing. I Hate Fighting. You Know What I Do Now? When We Get In An Argument, I Just Take Her Side Against Me. It's Just Easier; It Goes Quicker. She's Like, "what's Wrong With You?" And I'm Like, "i Know! Damn It! Argh!"

People Are Always Fighting For Attention With Things Now Because There's So Much Content. Actually, If You Don't Tell People Stuff - You Just Keep Your Mouth Shut - You Don't Have To Whisper It, You Just Don't Yell. Take The Bullhorn Off Your Mouth And It's A Secret.

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

I Killed My Facebook Page Years Ago Because Time Clicking Around Is Just Dead Time. Your Brain Isn't Resting And It Isn't Doing. I Think People Have To Get Their Heads Around This Thing. All This Unmitigated Input Is Hurting Folks.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

It's Hard To Know Where Your Thoughts Come From, Especially When You Have A Thirst For Material Because You Need It Professionally.

You Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You.

I'm Not A Political Comedian. That's Just Not What I Do.

I Don't Care About The Weight. You Know, I'm Lucky; I'm One Of Those People - I Can Eat Donuts, Whatever, And I Just Get Fat.

I Don't Think It Makes Any Sense To Try To Get Anyone To Not Talk.

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

My Kids And I Figured Out That There’s A Third Kind Of Person, And I Don’t Know What You Call Them, But It’s Somebody Who Sees That The Glass Is Always Full Because It’s Half Full With Water And Half Full With Nothing, So That’s The Third Kind Of Person. I Don’t Know What It Is.

There's A Reason It's Called 'girls Gone Wild' And Not 'women Gone Wild'. When Girls Go Wild, They Show Their Tits. When Women Go Wild, They Kill Men And Drown Their Kids In A Tub.

Apple Embodies A Lot Of What Have Been Defined As Feminine Traits: An Emphasis On Intuitive Design, Intellect, A Strong Sense Of Creativity, And That Striving To Always Make The Greatest Version Of Something.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

Performing Comedy, You Develop A Rhythm Of Ideas And Laughs. I Live For It.

Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

Stereotypically Speaking Feminists Can't Take A Joke. ::audience Boo:: See?

Natural Enemies

I'm Enjoying The Work While I Get It Right Now.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs... And I Live By None Of Them...

People Come Back From Flights And Tell You A Story Like It's A Horror Story. That's How Bad They Make It Sound. They're Like, 'it Was The Worst Day Of My Life. We Didn't Board For 20 Minutes And They Made Us Sit There On The Runway For 40 Minutes.' Oh Really? What Happened Next? Did You Fly In The Air, Incredibly, Like A Bird? Did You Partake In The Miracle Of Human Flight You Non-contributing Zero?'

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

Well, When I Was Younger, I Lied All The Time, Because Once You Understand The Power Of Lying, It's Really Like Magic Because You Transform Reality For People.

I've Learned From Experience That If You Work Harder At It, And Apply More Energy And Time To It, And More Consistency, You Get A Better Result. It Comes From The Work.

My Uncles Were All Funny. My Dad Wasn't Funny, But My Uncles Were All Funny. Now I Go Back And I Like Him Better Than Them, They Were Manipulative Funny.

You Have To Be Really Tenacious. You Have To Keep At It. There Are Many Roads To Get There. If You Can Get Yourself Into Harvard, That's A Good Way To Go, Because Every Harvard Graduating Class, The Agencies Come Trolling Around And They'll Look For You. So If You Go To Harvard, You'll Get Found There.

When I Read Things Like The Foundations Of Capitalism Are Shattering, I'm Like, Maybe We Need That. Maybe We Need Some Time Where We're Walking Around With A Donkey With Pots Clanging On The Sides.

All These Words We Use, Anybody Can Be A Genius Now. It Used To Be You Had To Have A Thought No One Ever Had Before Or You Had To Invent A Number. Now, It’s Like, “hey, I’ve Got A Cup In Case We Need Another Cup.” “dude, You’re A Genius!”

Human Kindness Has No Reward. You Should Give To Others In Every Way You See. Expect Absolutely Nothing From Anyone. It Should Be Your Goal To Love Every Human You Encounter. All Human Suffering That You're Aware Of And Continues Without Your Effort To Stop It Becomes Your Crime.

Friends Should Always Tell You The Truth. But Please Don’t.

You Know What, It's Not Your Life, It's Life. Life Is Bigger Than You, If You Can Imagine That. Life Isn't Something That You Possess, It's Something That You Take Part In And Witness.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

Bill Has Three Goldfish. He Buys Two More. How Many Dogs Live In London?

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

I Finally Have The Body I Want. It’s Easy, Actually, You Just Have To Want A Really Shitty Body.

The Only Road To Doing Good Shows, Is Doing Bad Shows.

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

There's Nowhere I Won't Go. As Long As It's Horribly, Horribly True And/or Wrong.

Sorry - Americans Only Buy Things That Come From Suffering. They Just Enjoy It More When They Know Someone's Getting Hurt.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

Race Doesn't Mean What It Used To In America Anymore. It Just Doesn't. Obama's Black, But He's Not Black The Way People Used To Define That. Is Black Your Experience Or The Color Of Your Skin? My Experience Is As A Mexican Immigrant, More So Than Someone Like George Lopez. He's From California. But He'll Be Treated As An Immigrant. I Am An Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn't Speak English. My Whole Family On My Dad's Side Is In Mexico. I Won't Ever Be Called That Or Treated That Way, But It Was My Experience.

When You Have Bacon In Your Mouth, It Doesn't Matter Who's President.

I've Had Two Great Years, Probably Five Good Years. So I Had 20 Years Of Just Kind Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All These Things. There's No Way I'm Ever Going To Catch Up To The Misery Years. It's Impossible... If I Don't Do Anything Dumb Or I Don't Get A Disease Or Something, And Then I've Got To Five To Eight Years I Think Where It'll Really Be Great And Then It Will Start To Degenerate Like Uranium, You Know?

I Am Really Tired Of Looking At My Hips. I'm Seriously Really Tired Of Standing Naked In The Mirror And Staring At My Hips For Hours And Hours While Muttering, "you Hips. You Hips Need To Get It Together."

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

I'm Not Raising The Children, I'm Raising The Grown Ups That They're Going To Be.

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

You Have To Be Aware Of Who You're Talking To In An Audience.

How Do Women Still Go Out With Guys, When You Consider The Fact That There Is No Greater Threat To Women Than Men? We're The Number One Threat To Women. Globally And Historically, We're The Number One Cause Of Injury And Mayhem To Women... You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

Sadness Is Poetic. You're Lucky To Live Sad Moments. When You Let Yourself Be Sad, Your Body Has Antibodies. It Has Happiness That Comes Rushing In To Meet The Sadness.

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

You Could Drive A Rental Car Until You Don't Want It. Just Get Out Of It While It's Moving And Just Walk Away. No, I Don't Feel Like Being In That Car Any Longer. Just Call Hertz. Hi, Your Car Is Drifting Into The Intersection Of 28th And Broadway, If You're Interested. It's Now Your Problem.

Black People Have Slavery. And White People Have Our Own Thing-stuff We Went Though That Hurt Us That We Have To Cope With. Like When They Took Our Slaves Away. That Was Really Hard For Us. So It's Pretty Even.

The Greatest Thing About Having A Child Is Putting Yourself Second In Your Own Life. It's A Massive Gift To Be Able To Say You're Not The Most Important Person To Yourself.

I Never Viewed Money As Being 'my Money' I Always Saw It As 'the Money.' It's A Resource. If It Pools Up Around Me Then It Needs To Be Flushed Back Out Into The System.

Don't Text Or Twitter During The Show. Just Live Your Life. Don't Keep Telling People What You're Doing. Just, Because Also - Also - It Lights Up Your Big Dumb Face.

When I Got Divorced, I Thought 'well, There Goes My Act.'

Misery Is Wasted On The Miserable.

A Household Name Is Like Ketchup. Everybody Wants Ketchup. Ketchup Doesn't Hurt Anybody.

People Say, 'my Phone Sucks.' No, It Doesn’t! The Shittiest Cellphone In The World Is A Miracle. Your Life Sucks. Around The Phone.

I Have Twitter So I Can Tell People What I Want Them To Buy And They Give Me Money.

The Problem Is, The More Famous You Get, The More People See You Who Didn't Choose To.

In 27 Years Doing This, I've Seen A Handful Of Truly Great, Masterful Standup Sets. One Was Tig Notaro Last Night At Largo.

It's A Positive Thing To Talk About Terrible Things And Make People Laugh About Them.

There's No Way You Ask Sean Penn A Question And Then, You're Gonna Be Huge !

My Kids Are Really Easy. I Often Worry That They're Too Easy To Deal With. They're Really Nice People.

I Was In A Hotel Room In Dallas, And I Was Jerking Off So Much And So Sadly And Pathetically, That The Phone Rang, And I Thought It's Them, They're Complaining. ... "sir, Could You Please Stop?"

There's Been A Lot Of Simple Vilification Of Right-wing People. It's Really Easy To Say, 'well, You're Christian, You're Anti-this And That, And I Hate You.' But To Me, It's More Interesting To Say, 'what Is This Person Like And How Do They Really Think?'

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

One Time, I Threw A Candy Wrapper On The Street. I Was With A Friend Who Said To Me, You Just Littered On The Street! Don't You Care About The Environment? And I Thought About It, And I Said, You Know What? This Isn't The Environment. This Is New York City. New York City Is Not The Environment. New York City Is A Giant Piece Of Litter. Next To Mexico City, It's The Shittiest Piece Of Litter In The World. Just A Pussy, Runny, Smokin', Stinkin' Piece Of Litter.

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

To Me, There's A Huge Difference Between Criticism And Reviewing. I Really Love Reading Good Criticism Of Television And Film. To Me, A Critic Is Someone Who Analyzes A Show, Describes It, Talks About The People In It, Puts It In Historical Context Of Other Shows Like It, Compares It And Stuff, And Then Talks About The Intent Of The Show And Whether It Failed Or Didn't.

I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School. My Mother Was A Single Mom, Putting My Three Sisters Through College, And I Was Such A Bad Student That I Knew I Had No Right To Take Her Money. But I Loved Being In Classes And Learning. I Took In A Huge Amount Of What I Learned, But I Had A Feeling Of Always Being Behind And Being In Trouble.

I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

If I Do Something For My Kids, I Get A Medal, Because Most Fathers Don't.

To Me, Art Supplies Are Always Okay To Buy.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

I Like Pressure. Pressure Doesn't Make Me Crack. It's Enabling. I Eat Pressure, And There Might Be Times When I Get A Bad Feeling In My Gut That This Might Be Too Much, But You Feel Pressure When You're Not Doing Something, You Know?

Television For A Child Creates Such A High Bar Of Stimulus That Nothing Else Competes. A Beautiful Day Is Absolute Crap To A Kid Who Watches Tv.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

I Don't Feel Those Limits When I'm On Stage. For Some Reason, Audiences Let Me Get Away With Things. Remember, It's All Comedy. Words. Thoughts. All Thoughts Are Safe And Worth Exploring.

My Show Is Sort Of A Short-film Anthology, And I'm Able To Tell Little Stories That Don't Necessarily Carry A Whole Episode In Terms Of Narrative. I Like The Audience Not Being Sure What They're Getting. I Think It's More Fun To Watch Something When You're Discovering It As You Go Along.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

Whenever I've Encountered A Christian Saying, 'why Don't You Stop Talking Like That So I Can Hear You?' I Think, 'well You're The One Putting The Earmuffs On, But I Wish You Could Hear Me Because I Like You.'

The Jackass Movies Are Honestly Some Of The Best Movies I've Ever Seen. I Laugh So Hard At Them. Those Guys Are Geniuses. If They Had Grown Up With A Different Group Of People, They Could've Been Performance Artists At Bard College, And People Would Be Writing Papers About Them.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

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