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I Love Fear Factor, But I Think They're Running Out Of Fears. It's Only A Matter Of Time Before They're Sitting Around Doing Shots Of Hepatitis C.

-Dave Attell

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I Love Fear Factor,

Dave Attell

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I Love Fear Factor, But I Think They're Running Out Of Fears. It's Only A Matter Of Time Before They're Sitting Around Doing Shots Of Hepatitis C.

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I Never Wanted To Be Famous.

I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love Putting Out Tv Specials.

You Can Say, 'can I Use Your Bathroom?' And Nobody Cares. But If You Ask, 'can I Use The Plop-plop Machine?' It Always Breaks The Conversation.

Let's Say You're In A Situation Where Crystal Meth Can Help You. Like, I Don't Know, You Have Too Many Teeth.

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What's The Two Things They Tell You Are Healthiest To Eat? Chicken And Fish. You Know What You Should Do? Combine Them, Eat A Penguin.

There's A Fine Line Between Masturbating While You Look Out A Window, And Masturbating While You're Looking In A Window. I'll Give You A Hint: One Of 'em Is Super Illegal.

Why Do They Collect Garbarge At 5am? Why? It's Garbage. It's Not Going To Go Bad Again.

So, I Travel A Lot. I Hate Traveling, Mostly 'cause My Dad Used To Beat Me With A Globe.

Everyone Was Laughin'. Even That Deaf Mute Boy Was Breathing Heavy And Pointing At Me. Which Is Laughter To Their Kind.

I've Never Had A Surprise Birthday Party. I've Had Every Other Type Of Surprise. I've Had Surprise Beatings, Surprise Drug Tests, Surprise Daughter I Think.

I'm Not A Movie Guy, I'm Not A Tv Sitcom Guy, But Whatever Seems To Fit And Is Funny Is Good For Me.

Things Have Been Invented Because Of Alcohol. Like The Taser, Okay? Yeah! The Morning After Pill, Okay? The Reach-around. Judge Judy. What Has Pot Given The World? Hackey Sack? Yeah! Hilarious Ring Tones? Oh Gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It Sucks To Be A Champion At A Sport That Can't Get You Laid. It's An Unneeded Skill Like, I Dunno, Being The Best Banjo Player. Or A Squirter.

I Used To Do Drugs, But That Was Way Back There.

Have You Seen That Magazine Barely Legal? That Means When You Look At It, You're Almost A Pedophile.

I'm Sitting In The Bus Station, Minding My Own Business, Reading 'ta-da!' Magazine; A Magazine By And For Gay Magicians, But That's A Different Story.

This One Guy, The Worst Guy In The Music. The Yanni Man. You Know Yanni? First Of All, Anyone Who Looks Like A Magician And Doesn't Do Magic, I Don't Like. I Don't Even Like Magic, I Hate It. But I Love The Word, "ta-da"! I Love That Word! I Don't Get To Say It, Right? I Never Do Any Magic. You Just Can't Go Around Walking, "ta-da!" "ta-da!" "ta-da!" The Only Time I Can Say It Is When I Do Something Really Stupid Or Surprising. Like If I Go Out All Night Drinking And Hitting Strip Clubs And I Come Home And I Still Got Some Money... "ta-da!" I Thought I Was Broke. Why Does My Jaw Hurt?

Friends Are Important, Dontcha Think? Hmmm? I Think So. The Way I See It, You Got Friends, And You Got Your Best Friend, Big Difference. To Me, A Friend's A Guy Who Will Help You Move. A Best Friend's A Guy Who Will Help You Move A Body. That's How I Look At It.

Everything You Do, Burns Calories. Getting Up In The Morning, 100 Calories; Kicking The Hooker Out Of Your Bed, Another 100; Diapering Your Monkey, 35 Calories; Laughing At A Midget, Fun And 10 Calories; Catching Your Girlfriend With Another Guy, 2000-3000 Calories, Depending On Backswings.

I'm A Joke Comic. I Tell Jokes.

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Remember When You're Young And You Think Your Dad Is Superman? And Then You Grow Up And Realized He's Just A Drunk Who Wears A Cape.

I Have An Imagination Because My Life Is So Boring That My Imagination Lets Me Get Off The Reality Of What's Going On.

Men Are Having Sex With Animals And We Wonder Why The Animals Attack Us. And I'll Tell You Why: It's Cuz Of That One Sick Man, And It's Up To Me And A Half-mexican To Stop Him.

My Gym Has Two-pound Weights. If You're Using Two-pound Weights, How Did You Even Open The Door To The Gym? What's Your Dream? To Pump Up And Open Your Mail?

I'm A Stand-up Comic. Anything Else I Do Besides That Is A Plus, But Stand-up Comedy Is What I Do, It's What I've Been Doing And It's What I'm Going To Keep Doing.

If You Go To Germany And Get Drunk, At Some Point You Will Try To Look Up Hitler In The Phone Book.

You See A Guy With One Leg, He's Got A Story. "land Mine '69." You See A Guy With One Arm, He's Got A Story, Too. "snow Blower, Bottle Of Whiskey." You See A Guy With One Tooth, What Would The Story Be? "well, Uh, I Like A Lot Of Taffy."

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For A Long Time The People At My Shows Were Sort Of The Pantera-tattoo Trucker Guys, Really Cool Dudes, But I Don't Know What Happened To Them. That's The Crowd That I Like, The Ones That Don't Get So Offended Just To Be Offended.

You Ever Make Fun Of Someone So Much, You Think You Should Thank Them For All The Good Times You've Had?

Sex And Murder Are The Same. Well, You Say The Same After Both Don't You? "damn I Got To Get The Hell Out Of Here!" "what Was I Thinking!"

You Know What Wakes Me Up? A Tongue In The Ass. There Is No Alarm Clock On That One, You Are Up, You Are Shaking, You Are In A Karate Stance.....the Day Has Begun.

I Smoke So Much. Three Packs A Day... I Went To The Bathroom, A Camel Came Out Of My Ass.

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

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Are You Shooting Webs Of Stupid At Me?

I Wanna Get A Little Drunk, But I Also Want Some Pancakes.

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Is She Crazy, Like It Says On Her Bracelet, Or Is She Just Looking At My Sheets? I Dunno!

I Don't Have A Girlfriend But Sometimes I Like To Pretend I Do. I Just Stand In My Apartment Screaming No, That's Not What I Said!

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Jesse Joyce Is A Great Writer.

I'm A Joke Comic. I Tell Jokes. I Like Writing A Joke, And I Like When A Joke Works, And I Like Other Comics Who Tell Jokes.

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Pre-mature Ejaculation. Let's Talk About It. Premature Ejaculation. That's A Pretty Fancy Term For, "ooooooh Oh No. This Has Never Happened Before."

I'm Not The Comic Of The Generation, I'm Not Even The Funniest Guy In My Family.

A Joke Is A Joke, And People Put Too Much Meaning Behind It. They React To It In The Wrong Way. I Mean, You Can Boo Or Laugh, And That's Pretty Much What You're Supposed To Do With Jokes. You're Not Supposed To Take It Any Further Than That.

If I Had A Kid, I'd Give Him A Name That Would Make Everyone Would Want To Say His Name. I'd Call Him, Pizza-pussy-santa. I Would! Cause Everybody Likes One Of Those Things.

Even Now, As We Speak, People Are Having Sex With Animals. And We Wonder Why The Animals Attack Us.

I Don't Watch Reality Tv.

I Don't Think I'm A Star Or A Celebrity Or Any Thing Like That.

I Watch The Discovery Channel, And You Know What I've Discovered? I Need A Girlfriend.

Sometimes You Need A Cigarette. Like After You Have Sex With A Beautiful Woman Or A Confused Young Man.

Being On The Road Is Kind Of Lonely.

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I Feel Like Soundtrack Music Is Almost Like Seeing The Movie Again, But With My Ears.

Yeah, I Know, Some People Are Against Drunk Driving, And I Call Those People 'the Cops.' But You Know, Sometimes, You've Just Got No Choice; Those Kids Gotta Get To School!

Sometimes. I Get Recognized, But I'm Not Really A Famous Famous. I'm Pretty Low On The Showbiz Totem Pole - I Mean, I'm No Jon Or Kate Plus Eight. I'm Just A Comic, Not A Baby Factory.

I Don't Mind A Crowd's Not Laughing; It's The Groans That Slow Down The Show.

Capital Punishment, That Thing Scares Me, It Really Does. I Was Talking To My Friend About The Electric Chair, And He Starts Freakin' Out. He's Like 'the Electric Chair? That's Too Good For These People. That's Too Good For Them'. Alright, How Do We Make The Electric Chair Worse? How About This? They Have To Pedal A Car Battery To Their Own Head. Is That Ok? Is That Enough, Mr. Hitler?

I Love Fear Factor, But I Think They're Running Out Of Fears. It's Only A Matter Of Time Before They're Sitting Around Doing Shots Of Hepatitis C.

I Masturbate! I Do It Like I Think If I Keep Doing It, I'm Gonna Win Something.

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I'm Not Like A Performer Type.

Once You Get Offstage You're Just Like Everyone Else, And Everyone Else Can Get Into A Fight.

I Have No Grand Scheme.

It's A Horrible Economy But I'm Trying To Do My Part. I Just Bought A New Shower Curtain It Has All The Presidents On It. Do You Know How Hard It Is To Masturbate With All The Presidents Staring At You? And When The Water Hits Them It Looks Like They're Crying.

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